Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
Oww!
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪
(cheers and applause)
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
(cheers and applause)
Whoa!
What's up?
(cheers and applause)
What's up on the top?
Man.
(cheers and applause)
You know, ah...
y'know what's funny, man,
there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,
since I started
the second season.
One, like,
when I walk down the street,
people always
scream stuff out.
Like, I'll be with my kids,
and people be like,
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all this stuff.
The other thing
that happens,
and which I think is
the worst,
is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideas
for the show.
Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.
Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,
just pick your spots.
As a matter of fact,
if you knew
what was
going through my mind
when you pitch me
that kind of stuff,
you wouldn't even
talk to me,
because I'll think
about anything
but what you're talking about.
For example...
I love you, baby.
Oh, I know you do.
Come here, girl,
give me some.
Excuse me,
I hate to interrupt,
but I just had
to say hello.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Is this a bad time?
You kinda caught me
in the middle of something...
Cool. So, I'm sure
you get this all the time,
but I have
the perfect idea for you.
It's a movie.
Is it cool if I sit down?
This'll only
take a minute.
I'm Frank Feldman.
You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.
We were just...
It's a love story.
an underground
street poet
You play
named Colt 45.
He's a rebel
with a big heart.
He's a loner because
his wife has been killed
by the chief financial
officer of the company...
(thinking)
Bicycle.
...that she used
to work for...
Monkey.
Ashy Larry.
...volunteer veterinarian
on Wednesdays...
I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.
He probably
at a wine and cheese party.
Damn, that's
some good-ass cheese!
If you don't tell him
how good the cheese is,
he'll be mad.
How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?
Motherfucker.
Some good-ass cheese, man--
What are you looking at?
I was...
Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,
you should've told me
how good the cheese was!
I was thinking
the villain
could be played
by Rod Stewart...
Man, I should've
been a rapper.
That look like fun.
♪ How you gonna rip it
like this, son ♪
♪ How you gonna rip it
like that, son ♪
♪ I don't play that
because it's action ♪♪
But I need a gimmick.
♪ ...that's right
I'm the Black Sheep ♪
♪ The real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I'm the real Black Sheep,
the real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I say ugh... ♪
...so we have
this big showdown
at the foot
of the space shuttle...
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
...my company is willing
to offer you $12,000,000.
(cash register ding)
$12,000,000!
Frank, right?
You want
something to drink?
Waitress, get this nigga
something to drink.
Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,
y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show,
I write a lot of those.
And I'm thinking maybe
I could give you some ideas
to make Colt a more
interesting character.
I would love to hear 'em.
All right, well,
instead of calling him Colt 45,
first of all, we've got
to change the name...
(thinking)
Nascar race.
Unicorns.
Dirty diapers.
...instead of the space shuttle,
we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.
That's good.
(thinking)
Wonder what my girl
thinkin' about.
You know who I'd love
to have sex with...
(chuckling)
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo... ♪♪
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break, y'all.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause)
♪ Chappelle's Show-- Wow ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Dave, it's Oprah.
Oh, hey,
what's up, girl?
Look, Dave,
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure
it's mine?
No, Dave,
listen, it's yours.
Got ya, bitch!
What?
Just hold on one second.
(Dave)
All right, look, Oprah,
I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay?
But I'm going to need you
to send me a ticket.
I'll fly you out.
Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
could you have
a limousine pick me up
at the baggage claim
because I don't have
no cab money to get
from the airport to your house.
Okay, sure thing.
Thanks, boo.
Oprah...
I love you, baby.
I love you too,
David Chappelle.
All right, I'm gonna go to work
and tell everybody
the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see you in Chicago.
Bye-bye.
Hey, everybody,
I got an announcement to make!
Ding, ding,
ding ding, ding!
I quit!
Oh!
Kiss my ass, everybody!
Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?
Ah, kiss my ass.
Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?
(chuckling)
I quit!
Dave, what's gotten into you?
Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into me,
it's what's
gotten into Oprah:
My seed, son!
I'm rich, bitch!
Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.
Nobody ever
listens to me around here.
I'm not dangerous!
At least
I wasn't dangerous.
Aah!
Morgan?
Guys, I almost forgot...
remember your spirit.
(fart)
(laughing)
Oh, it sprayed.
I'll see you in Chicago.
♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
Bye, baby,
have a good day at work.
Try to stay off
your feet, boo.
♪ In the sky... ♪
(grunting)
oh, that...
Hello.
(Oprah)
Yeah, that feels...
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Not bad.
Oh, this is Chung Lee.
Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?
She didn't say no.
All right, I'm ready.
(Oprah)
I'm home.
Hey, baby.
It's Bruce Lee's brother.
Hello,
I love your show.
$7,000 an hour.
Sounds expensive,
but I think
the safety of you and our baby
are priceless, all right?
Check this out.
(both screaming)
Get away from Oprah!
(laughing)
(Oprah)
Hello.
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Oh, oh,
this is Felicia.
Felicia, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
Mm-wah!
in a minute,
sweetie.
Be out
I'm just painting,
finishing up.
Let me fill this out
a little bit over here...
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up
that hill ♪
♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues ♪
♪ I gettin' my turn
at bat... ♪
David.
Oh, snap!
(Oprah)
Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.
Give it up
for my baby's momma,
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
What's happening, baby?
How was the show?
Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,
and I'll come and put
some salt in a minute.
I know your feet
probably hurting.
All right, now,
all right.
Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?
I'm gonna take it
from the top.
♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪
♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill ♪
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up
that hill... ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello?
You again.
Look, Stedman, you gonna have
to move on, alright?
No, fuck that,
I don't care what y'all had.
She's having my baby, okay?
So you leave this family alone.
I love her!
Fine, whatever, bitch.
(Oprah)
Dave, honey,
who was that on the phone?
Baby, it's nobody.
It was for me.
Just go back in the bath.
Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...
There you go!
Yes, yeah!
You did it, boo, you...
What the fuck!
Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!
Women are smart--
men are stupid.
Oh, shit!
Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?
Sorry, Dave.
What am I gonna do now?
I quit my job.
Shit!
Stedman...
we gonna get this bitch.
(laughing)
(cackling)
(echoing)
Oprah!
Uh...
you know,
me and my co-writer,
producer/creator
friend of mine, Neal Brennan,
we always have
this on-going discussion.
Every time there's
a black celebrity in trouble,
Neal doesn't believe
that I never think he's guilty,
and the reason he thinks that
is because I never think
they're guilty.
It's just how I roll, man.
To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.
What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,
might not be a reasonable doubt
to a black person.
If they had me on jury selection
at some of
these celebrity trials,
it'd be a long day,
a long day.
(man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Yes.
Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson is going to be
on trial
for a double homicide?
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's all bullshit, man.
O.J. Ain't gonna kill
nobody, he's rich.
But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told you
that we had DNA evidence
linking Mr. Simpson
to the scene of the crime?
Then I'd have to ask you
where you found it.
In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,
and in his car.
In the car?
Right in his car.
Damn.
And in the bedroom too?
In the bedroom.
Damn.
I... damn.
Then I'd probably just ask you,
"how'd they find it?"
The police found
a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property.
Sir, I'm not impressed,
all right.
Who... what black man don't
have some bloody gloves
on his property?
Nigga,
I got one right here.
That don't mean
I did anything.
Sir, if somebody
murdered your family,
and the police found
a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property,
and a witness heard
strange bangings
minutes
after the murders...
I'd have to be
real confused
because nobody in my family
beef with O.J. like that.
And we would've killed O.J.
after the first time
he beat my sister up.
We would've
whupped his ass.
We would've made real
orange juice out of that nigga.
So, you ain't gonna
find no bloody gloves.
If anything happened,
you can quote me, sir,
they would find
some bloody gloves
at our house.
But this was before...
O.J. would be dead,
nigga, and that's real.
Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives--
Fuhrman?
--on the case and--
Fuhrman? He's a racist,
it's a racist name.
Fuhrman. You're sayin',
what is he a furor, German?
Fuhrman, German.
Sound a little
familiar to you?
I'm sorry, sir,
but he probably says
"nigger" a lot,
with a name like that.
I can't comment.
I bet you can't.
But as a person
that says "nigger" a lot,
trust me.
That nigga says "nigger"
all the time.
Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that,
because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,
and because
there may have been
some minor oversights
in the investigation,
that it completely lets
O.J. off the hook?
Exactamundo!
The defense rests, sir.
Mr. Chappelle--
No further questions!
Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likely
killed his wife?
Sir, my blackness
will not permit me
to make a statement
like that.
You're dismissed.
Are you aware
of the charges
that Michael Jackson is
currently facing?
Yes, sir.
Ah, and for the record,
these charges
hurt me the most.
So he's guilty.
Look, man, look,
Michael Jackson
has many faces,
none of 'em look
guilty to me.
You gotta look in the eyes,
not the noses.
He's been accused of this
more than once.
So, some people say that
cucumbers taste better pickled.
What?
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What if I told you
that the accusers
correctly described
Michael's penis
to investigators?
Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,
but I bet you that
I could describe it.
All right, let me guess.
There's a head,
a shaft, some balls,
hair, maybe pressed,
permed hair,
with glitter
sprinkled on it.
That is correct.
Whoa, how'd I know?
Come on, dude,
I couldn't pick my own penis
out of a lineup,
all right?
And me and my penis is
like this, son.
What about Michael saying
it's okay to have
children sleep with him?
That don't mean anything.
I'm sure there's plenty of kids
that sleep in the bed
with their adults all the time,
and nothing happens.
So you do you think
Michael Jackson
is guilty of the charges
against him?
No, man.
He made "Thriller."
"Thriller."
So you'd let your children
sleep with him.
Fuck no!
Eww.
Are you aware
that Robert Blake
is facing
a charge of murder?
Oh, yeah.
Baretta did that shit.
Mr. Chappelle,
are you aware
that Robert Kelly
is being charged
with child pornography?
Yes, I've heard
of such things.
You've seen
the video tapes?
Have I seen it!
Like, 80 times.
You know the part
where he's waiting for her
to come over,
and he's looking
in the camera
like...
(soft grunts)
So, you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?
Well, I'd have
to say it was.
So, then,
you believe
he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.
Whoa, hold on, lady!
I didn't say all that.
You know, with these tapes,
they can do a lot of things.
For all I know,
that piss was digital.
They-- They get crazy
with special effects.
Look, look,
check this out.
I didn't even
just do that.
Did I do that?
That piss was digital.
They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.
What about the girl
corroborating the story?
So what?
How much money does
this girl stand to make
by "corroborating"
this story?
I tell you what,
you give me that kind of money,
R. Kelly can fart
in my dinner tonight.
Spray-fart.
So, besides the tape
and the girl corroborating
the allegations,
what more would it take for you
to believe he's guilty?
All right, if I saw
a tape of R. Kelly
peeing on a girl
while he was singing
"Piss On You"...
♪ Lovers wanna love... ♪
...and the girl was holding
two forms of government ID...
...while a
police officer
was there,
like, four or five
of my buddies
and Neal taking notes...
Well...
I'm not finished.
And his grandmother
has to be there
to confirm
his identity.
That's my Robert,
always peeing on people.
Don't forget
her hair, Robert.
Yes, grandmother.
Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?
No, no,
it's not excessive.
Listen, lady, the burden
of proof is on the state,
on the state!
You have got
to prove to me,
beyond a reasonable doubt,
whether or not
this man is a pisser.
Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?
No, it's not unreasonable.
Look, we're talking
about a justice system
that had 500 people
whose cases were overturned
by DNA evidence.
I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a nigga,
and they said that
they had reasonable doubt.
I got my doubts too,
all right?
How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderers
but they arrest O.J.
the next day?
Nicole Simpson can't rap.
I want justice!
You are all...
this whole goddamn court is
out of order, everybody.
Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.
And that's from the heart.
(cheers and applause)
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back,
everybody.
Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,
and part of
one of my favorite groups.
He's a great solo artist.
Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.
(applause)
♪ Election time is coming... ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ An old man told me ♪
♪ Instead of spending ♪
♪ Billions on the war ♪
♪ We can use
some of that money ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ I know some so poor ♪
♪ When it rains,
that's when they shower shower ♪
♪ Screaming "fight the power" ♪
♪ That's when
the vulture devoured ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ But the radio won't
play this ♪
♪ They call it rebel music ♪
♪ How can you refuse it ♪
♪ Children of Moses ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ Tell the children
the truth, the truth ♪
♪ Christopher Columbus didn't
discover America ♪
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Tell them
about Marcus Garvey ♪
♪ Tell the children the truth ♪
♪ Yeah, the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about
Martin Luther King ♪
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about JFK ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪♪
Yeah, that's the truth
right there.
(cheers and applause)
I'd like to thank
my guest Wyclef Jean,
I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
You guys are the greatest.
Now, I'll see you next week.
(cheers and applause)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honking)
(woman)
Hi, thank you.
Mmm.
Some good-ass cheese,
shit...
Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.
(coughing)
I ate too much
of that good-ass cheese.
Say "yes, grandmama"
to the camera
Yes, grandmama.
Turn a little bit more.
That's good.
Huh, you're lost?
(laughter)
Oww!
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪
(cheers and applause)
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
(cheers and applause)
Whoa!
What's up?
(cheers and applause)
What's up on the top?
Man.
(cheers and applause)
You know, ah...
y'know what's funny, man,
there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,
since I started
the second season.
One, like,
when I walk down the street,
people always
scream stuff out.
Like, I'll be with my kids,
and people be like,
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all this stuff.
The other thing
that happens,
and which I think is
the worst,
is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideas
for the show.
Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.
Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,
just pick your spots.
As a matter of fact,
if you knew
what was
going through my mind
when you pitch me
that kind of stuff,
you wouldn't even
talk to me,
because I'll think
about anything
but what you're talking about.
For example...
I love you, baby.
Oh, I know you do.
Come here, girl,
give me some.
Excuse me,
I hate to interrupt,
but I just had
to say hello.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Is this a bad time?
You kinda caught me
in the middle of something...
Cool. So, I'm sure
you get this all the time,
but I have
the perfect idea for you.
It's a movie.
Is it cool if I sit down?
This'll only
take a minute.
I'm Frank Feldman.
You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.
We were just...
It's a love story.
an underground
street poet
You play
named Colt 45.
He's a rebel
with a big heart.
He's a loner because
his wife has been killed
by the chief financial
officer of the company...
(thinking)
Bicycle.
...that she used
to work for...
Monkey.
Ashy Larry.
...volunteer veterinarian
on Wednesdays...
I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.
He probably
at a wine and cheese party.
Damn, that's
some good-ass cheese!
If you don't tell him
how good the cheese is,
he'll be mad.
How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?
Motherfucker.
Some good-ass cheese, man--
What are you looking at?
I was...
Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,
you should've told me
how good the cheese was!
I was thinking
the villain
could be played
by Rod Stewart...
Man, I should've
been a rapper.
That look like fun.
♪ How you gonna rip it
like this, son ♪
♪ How you gonna rip it
like that, son ♪
♪ I don't play that
because it's action ♪♪
But I need a gimmick.
♪ ...that's right
I'm the Black Sheep ♪
♪ The real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I'm the real Black Sheep,
the real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I say ugh... ♪
...so we have
this big showdown
at the foot
of the space shuttle...
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
...my company is willing
to offer you $12,000,000.
(cash register ding)
$12,000,000!
Frank, right?
You want
something to drink?
Waitress, get this nigga
something to drink.
Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,
y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show,
I write a lot of those.
And I'm thinking maybe
I could give you some ideas
to make Colt a more
interesting character.
I would love to hear 'em.
All right, well,
instead of calling him Colt 45,
first of all, we've got
to change the name...
(thinking)
Nascar race.
Unicorns.
Dirty diapers.
...instead of the space shuttle,
we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.
That's good.
(thinking)
Wonder what my girl
thinkin' about.
You know who I'd love
to have sex with...
(chuckling)
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo... ♪♪
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break, y'all.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause)
♪ Chappelle's Show-- Wow ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Dave, it's Oprah.
Oh, hey,
what's up, girl?
Look, Dave,
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure
it's mine?
No, Dave,
listen, it's yours.
Got ya, bitch!
What?
Just hold on one second.
(Dave)
All right, look, Oprah,
I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay?
But I'm going to need you
to send me a ticket.
I'll fly you out.
Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
could you have
a limousine pick me up
at the baggage claim
because I don't have
no cab money to get
from the airport to your house.
Okay, sure thing.
Thanks, boo.
Oprah...
I love you, baby.
I love you too,
David Chappelle.
All right, I'm gonna go to work
and tell everybody
the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see you in Chicago.
Bye-bye.
Hey, everybody,
I got an announcement to make!
Ding, ding,
ding ding, ding!
I quit!
Oh!
Kiss my ass, everybody!
Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?
Ah, kiss my ass.
Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?
(chuckling)
I quit!
Dave, what's gotten into you?
Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into me,
it's what's
gotten into Oprah:
My seed, son!
I'm rich, bitch!
Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.
Nobody ever
listens to me around here.
I'm not dangerous!
At least
I wasn't dangerous.
Aah!
Morgan?
Guys, I almost forgot...
remember your spirit.
(fart)
(laughing)
Oh, it sprayed.
I'll see you in Chicago.
♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
Bye, baby,
have a good day at work.
Try to stay off
your feet, boo.
♪ In the sky... ♪
(grunting)
oh, that...
Hello.
(Oprah)
Yeah, that feels...
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Not bad.
Oh, this is Chung Lee.
Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?
She didn't say no.
All right, I'm ready.
(Oprah)
I'm home.
Hey, baby.
It's Bruce Lee's brother.
Hello,
I love your show.
$7,000 an hour.
Sounds expensive,
but I think
the safety of you and our baby
are priceless, all right?
Check this out.
(both screaming)
Get away from Oprah!
(laughing)
(Oprah)
Hello.
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Oh, oh,
this is Felicia.
Felicia, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
Mm-wah!
in a minute,
sweetie.
Be out
I'm just painting,
finishing up.
Let me fill this out
a little bit over here...
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up
that hill ♪
♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues ♪
♪ I gettin' my turn
at bat... ♪
David.
Oh, snap!
(Oprah)
Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.
Give it up
for my baby's momma,
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
What's happening, baby?
How was the show?
Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,
and I'll come and put
some salt in a minute.
I know your feet
probably hurting.
All right, now,
all right.
Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?
I'm gonna take it
from the top.
♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪
♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill ♪
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up
that hill... ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello?
You again.
Look, Stedman, you gonna have
to move on, alright?
No, fuck that,
I don't care what y'all had.
She's having my baby, okay?
So you leave this family alone.
I love her!
Fine, whatever, bitch.
(Oprah)
Dave, honey,
who was that on the phone?
Baby, it's nobody.
It was for me.
Just go back in the bath.
Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...
There you go!
Yes, yeah!
You did it, boo, you...
What the fuck!
Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!
Women are smart--
men are stupid.
Oh, shit!
Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?
Sorry, Dave.
What am I gonna do now?
I quit my job.
Shit!
Stedman...
we gonna get this bitch.
(laughing)
(cackling)
(echoing)
Oprah!
Uh...
you know,
me and my co-writer,
producer/creator
friend of mine, Neal Brennan,
we always have
this on-going discussion.
Every time there's
a black celebrity in trouble,
Neal doesn't believe
that I never think he's guilty,
and the reason he thinks that
is because I never think
they're guilty.
It's just how I roll, man.
To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.
What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,
might not be a reasonable doubt
to a black person.
If they had me on jury selection
at some of
these celebrity trials,
it'd be a long day,
a long day.
(man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Yes.
Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson is going to be
on trial
for a double homicide?
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's all bullshit, man.
O.J. Ain't gonna kill
nobody, he's rich.
But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told you
that we had DNA evidence
linking Mr. Simpson
to the scene of the crime?
Then I'd have to ask you
where you found it.
In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,
and in his car.
In the car?
Right in his car.
Damn.
And in the bedroom too?
In the bedroom.
Damn.
I... damn.
Then I'd probably just ask you,
"how'd they find it?"
The police found
a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property.
Sir, I'm not impressed,
all right.
Who... what black man don't
have some bloody gloves
on his property?
Nigga,
I got one right here.
That don't mean
I did anything.
Sir, if somebody
murdered your family,
and the police found
a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property,
and a witness heard
strange bangings
minutes
after the murders...
I'd have to be
real confused
because nobody in my family
beef with O.J. like that.
And we would've killed O.J.
after the first time
he beat my sister up.
We would've
whupped his ass.
We would've made real
orange juice out of that nigga.
So, you ain't gonna
find no bloody gloves.
If anything happened,
you can quote me, sir,
they would find
some bloody gloves
at our house.
But this was before...
O.J. would be dead,
nigga, and that's real.
Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives--
Fuhrman?
--on the case and--
Fuhrman? He's a racist,
it's a racist name.
Fuhrman. You're sayin',
what is he a furor, German?
Fuhrman, German.
Sound a little
familiar to you?
I'm sorry, sir,
but he probably says
"nigger" a lot,
with a name like that.
I can't comment.
I bet you can't.
But as a person
that says "nigger" a lot,
trust me.
That nigga says "nigger"
all the time.
Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that,
because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,
and because
there may have been
some minor oversights
in the investigation,
that it completely lets
O.J. off the hook?
Exactamundo!
The defense rests, sir.
Mr. Chappelle--
No further questions!
Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likely
killed his wife?
Sir, my blackness
will not permit me
to make a statement
like that.
You're dismissed.
Are you aware
of the charges
that Michael Jackson is
currently facing?
Yes, sir.
Ah, and for the record,
these charges
hurt me the most.
So he's guilty.
Look, man, look,
Michael Jackson
has many faces,
none of 'em look
guilty to me.
You gotta look in the eyes,
not the noses.
He's been accused of this
more than once.
So, some people say that
cucumbers taste better pickled.
What?
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What if I told you
that the accusers
correctly described
Michael's penis
to investigators?
Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,
but I bet you that
I could describe it.
All right, let me guess.
There's a head,
a shaft, some balls,
hair, maybe pressed,
permed hair,
with glitter
sprinkled on it.
That is correct.
Whoa, how'd I know?
Come on, dude,
I couldn't pick my own penis
out of a lineup,
all right?
And me and my penis is
like this, son.
What about Michael saying
it's okay to have
children sleep with him?
That don't mean anything.
I'm sure there's plenty of kids
that sleep in the bed
with their adults all the time,
and nothing happens.
So you do you think
Michael Jackson
is guilty of the charges
against him?
No, man.
He made "Thriller."
"Thriller."
So you'd let your children
sleep with him.
Fuck no!
Eww.
Are you aware
that Robert Blake
is facing
a charge of murder?
Oh, yeah.
Baretta did that shit.
Mr. Chappelle,
are you aware
that Robert Kelly
is being charged
with child pornography?
Yes, I've heard
of such things.
You've seen
the video tapes?
Have I seen it!
Like, 80 times.
You know the part
where he's waiting for her
to come over,
and he's looking
in the camera
like...
(soft grunts)
So, you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?
Well, I'd have
to say it was.
So, then,
you believe
he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.
Whoa, hold on, lady!
I didn't say all that.
You know, with these tapes,
they can do a lot of things.
For all I know,
that piss was digital.
They-- They get crazy
with special effects.
Look, look,
check this out.
I didn't even
just do that.
Did I do that?
That piss was digital.
They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.
What about the girl
corroborating the story?
So what?
How much money does
this girl stand to make
by "corroborating"
this story?
I tell you what,
you give me that kind of money,
R. Kelly can fart
in my dinner tonight.
Spray-fart.
So, besides the tape
and the girl corroborating
the allegations,
what more would it take for you
to believe he's guilty?
All right, if I saw
a tape of R. Kelly
peeing on a girl
while he was singing
"Piss On You"...
♪ Lovers wanna love... ♪
...and the girl was holding
two forms of government ID...
...while a
police officer
was there,
like, four or five
of my buddies
and Neal taking notes...
Well...
I'm not finished.
And his grandmother
has to be there
to confirm
his identity.
That's my Robert,
always peeing on people.
Don't forget
her hair, Robert.
Yes, grandmother.
Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?
No, no,
it's not excessive.
Listen, lady, the burden
of proof is on the state,
on the state!
You have got
to prove to me,
beyond a reasonable doubt,
whether or not
this man is a pisser.
Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?
No, it's not unreasonable.
Look, we're talking
about a justice system
that had 500 people
whose cases were overturned
by DNA evidence.
I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a nigga,
and they said that
they had reasonable doubt.
I got my doubts too,
all right?
How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderers
but they arrest O.J.
the next day?
Nicole Simpson can't rap.
I want justice!
You are all...
this whole goddamn court is
out of order, everybody.
Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.
And that's from the heart.
(cheers and applause)
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back,
everybody.
Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,
and part of
one of my favorite groups.
He's a great solo artist.
Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.
(applause)
♪ Election time is coming... ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ An old man told me ♪
♪ Instead of spending ♪
♪ Billions on the war ♪
♪ We can use
some of that money ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ I know some so poor ♪
♪ When it rains,
that's when they shower shower ♪
♪ Screaming "fight the power" ♪
♪ That's when
the vulture devoured ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ But the radio won't
play this ♪
♪ They call it rebel music ♪
♪ How can you refuse it ♪
♪ Children of Moses ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ Tell the children
the truth, the truth ♪
♪ Christopher Columbus didn't
discover America ♪
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Tell them
about Marcus Garvey ♪
♪ Tell the children the truth ♪
♪ Yeah, the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about
Martin Luther King ♪
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about JFK ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪♪
Yeah, that's the truth
right there.
(cheers and applause)
I'd like to thank
my guest Wyclef Jean,
I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
You guys are the greatest.
Now, I'll see you next week.
(cheers and applause)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honking)
(woman)
Hi, thank you.
Mmm.
Some good-ass cheese,
shit...
Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.
(coughing)
I ate too much
of that good-ass cheese.
Say "yes, grandmama"
to the camera
Yes, grandmama.
Turn a little bit more.
That's good.
Huh, you're lost?
(laughter)