Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪


♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪

(cheers and applause)


Dave Chappelle!

(cheers and applause)


What's up?

(cheers and applause)

What's up on the top?


(cheers and applause)

You know, ah...

y'know what's funny, man,

there's two things that start

happening to me a lot now,

since I started

the second season.

One, like,

when I walk down the street,

people always

scream stuff out.

Like, I'll be with my kids,

and people be like,

"I'm Rick James, bitch."

And all this stuff.

The other thing

that happens,

and which I think is

the worst,

is when people come up to me

and try to give me ideas

for the show.

Send them shits through

the proper channels, all right.

Now, I'm not saying

I'm not open,

just pick your spots.

As a matter of fact,

if you knew

what was

going through my mind

when you pitch me

that kind of stuff,

you wouldn't even

talk to me,

because I'll think

about anything

but what you're talking about.

For example...

I love you, baby.

Oh, I know you do.

Come here, girl,

give me some.

Excuse me,

I hate to interrupt,

but I just had

to say hello.

Hey, man, how you doing?

Is this a bad time?

You kinda caught me

in the middle of something...

Cool. So, I'm sure

you get this all the time,

but I have

the perfect idea for you.

It's a movie.

Is it cool if I sit down?

This'll only

take a minute.

I'm Frank Feldman.

You kind of caught me

and the wife at a bad time.

We were just...

It's a love story.

an underground

street poet

You play

named Colt 45.

He's a rebel

with a big heart.

He's a loner because

his wife has been killed

by the chief financial

officer of the company...



...that she used

to work for...


Ashy Larry.

...volunteer veterinarian

on Wednesdays...

I wonder what Arsenio's

doing right now.

He probably

at a wine and cheese party.

Damn, that's

some good-ass cheese!

If you don't tell him

how good the cheese is,

he'll be mad.

How come you didn't tell me

how good the cheese was?


Some good-ass cheese, man--

What are you looking at?

I was...

Bob Eubanks-lookin'


you should've told me

how good the cheese was!

I was thinking

the villain

could be played

by Rod Stewart...

Man, I should've

been a rapper.

That look like fun.

♪ How you gonna rip it

like this, son ♪

♪ How you gonna rip it

like that, son ♪

♪ I don't play that

because it's action ♪♪

But I need a gimmick.

♪ ...that's right

I'm the Black Sheep ♪

♪ The real Black Sheep ♪

♪ I'm the real Black Sheep,

the real Black Sheep ♪

♪ I say ugh... ♪ we have

this big showdown

at the foot

of the space shuttle...

♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le

do-de-le-lo ♪

♪ Do-dl-le

do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪

♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le

do-de-le-lo ♪ company is willing

to offer you $12,000,000.

(cash register ding)


Frank, right?

You want

something to drink?

Waitress, get this nigga

something to drink.

Look, Frank, I don't know

if you know this,

y'know those skits

on Chappelle's Show,

I write a lot of those.

And I'm thinking maybe

I could give you some ideas

to make Colt a more

interesting character.

I would love to hear 'em.

All right, well,

instead of calling him Colt 45,

first of all, we've got

to change the name...


Nascar race.


Dirty diapers.

...instead of the space shuttle,

we make it right on the steps

of the Lincoln Memorial.

That's good.


Wonder what my girl

thinkin' about.

You know who I'd love

to have sex with...


♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le

do-de-le-lo ♪

♪ Do-dl-le

do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪

♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le

do-de-le-lo... ♪♪

All right, we're gonna take

a quick commercial break, y'all.

Don't go nowhere,

we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)

♪ Chappelle's Show-- Wow ♪

(phone ringing)


Dave, it's Oprah.

Oh, hey,

what's up, girl?

Look, Dave,

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure

it's mine?

No, Dave,

listen, it's yours.

Got ya, bitch!


Just hold on one second.


All right, look, Oprah,

I'm gonna fly to Chicago

tomorrow, okay?

But I'm going to need you

to send me a ticket.

I'll fly you out.

Oh, oh, oh, and baby,

could you have

a limousine pick me up

at the baggage claim

because I don't have

no cab money to get

from the airport to your house.

Okay, sure thing.

Thanks, boo.


I love you, baby.

I love you too,

David Chappelle.

All right, I'm gonna go to work

and tell everybody

the good news tomorrow,

and I'll see you in Chicago.


Hey, everybody,

I got an announcement to make!

Ding, ding,

ding ding, ding!

I quit!


Kiss my ass, everybody!

Excuse me, can I have

a quick word with you?

Ah, kiss my ass.

Can you type a memo of that

and send it around?


I quit!

Dave, what's gotten into you?

Oh, Sally, it's not

what's gotten into me,

it's what's

gotten into Oprah:

My seed, son!

I'm rich, bitch!

Hey, hey, you know

I never approved this.

Nobody ever

listens to me around here.

I'm not dangerous!

At least

I wasn't dangerous.



Guys, I almost forgot...

remember your spirit.



Oh, it sprayed.

I'll see you in Chicago.

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪

Bye, baby,

have a good day at work.

Try to stay off

your feet, boo.

♪ In the sky... ♪


oh, that...



Yeah, that feels...

Hey, baby,

how was the show?

Not bad.

Oh, this is Chung Lee.

Chung Lee, this is

my baby's momma, Oprah.

Baby, hey, baby, you mind

if I get a happy ending?

She didn't say no.

All right, I'm ready.


I'm home.

Hey, baby.

It's Bruce Lee's brother.


I love your show.

$7,000 an hour.

Sounds expensive,

but I think

the safety of you and our baby

are priceless, all right?

Check this out.

(both screaming)

Get away from Oprah!




Hey, baby,

how was the show?

Oh, oh,

this is Felicia.

Felicia, this is

my baby's momma, Oprah.


in a minute,


Be out

I'm just painting,

finishing up.

Let me fill this out

a little bit over here...

♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up

that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up

in the big leagues ♪

♪ I gettin' my turn

at bat... ♪


Oh, snap!


Hey, everybody, it's the lady

that made it all possible.

Give it up

for my baby's momma,

Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.

What's happening, baby?

How was the show?

Why don't you go ahead

and run the bathwater,

and I'll come and put

some salt in a minute.

I know your feet

probably hurting.

All right, now,

all right.

Hey, Steve, you mind

pushing the button?

I'm gonna take it

from the top.

♪ Fish don't fry

in the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't burn

on the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up

that hill... ♪

(phone ringing)


You again.

Look, Stedman, you gonna have

to move on, alright?

No, fuck that,

I don't care what y'all had.

She's having my baby, okay?

So you leave this family alone.

I love her!

Fine, whatever, bitch.


Dave, honey,

who was that on the phone?

Baby, it's nobody.

It was for me.

Just go back in the bath.

Stedman Graham,

if you fuck this up for me...

There you go!

Yes, yeah!

You did it, boo, you...

What the fuck!

Nigga looks

just like Dr. Phil!

Women are smart--

men are stupid.

Oh, shit!

Oprah, what about

our dreams, huh?

Sorry, Dave.

What am I gonna do now?

I quit my job.



we gonna get this bitch.






you know,

me and my co-writer,


friend of mine, Neal Brennan,

we always have

this on-going discussion.

Every time there's

a black celebrity in trouble,

Neal doesn't believe

that I never think he's guilty,

and the reason he thinks that

is because I never think

they're guilty.

It's just how I roll, man.

To me, it's all about

reasonable doubt.

What's reasonable doubt

to a white person, you know,

might not be a reasonable doubt

to a black person.

If they had me on jury selection

at some of

these celebrity trials,

it'd be a long day,

a long day.


Ah, Mr. Chappelle?


Are you aware that

Mr. Simpson is going to be

on trial

for a double homicide?

Yeah, I heard about it.

It's all bullshit, man.

O.J. Ain't gonna kill

nobody, he's rich.

But Mr. Chappelle,

what if I told you

that we had DNA evidence

linking Mr. Simpson

to the scene of the crime?

Then I'd have to ask you

where you found it.

In his bedroom,

at the crime scene,

and in his car.

In the car?

Right in his car.


And in the bedroom too?

In the bedroom.


I... damn.

Then I'd probably just ask you,

"how'd they find it?"

The police found

a bloody glove

on O.J.'s property.

Sir, I'm not impressed,

all right.

Who... what black man don't

have some bloody gloves

on his property?


I got one right here.

That don't mean

I did anything.

Sir, if somebody

murdered your family,

and the police found

a bloody glove

on O.J.'s property,

and a witness heard

strange bangings


after the murders...

I'd have to be

real confused

because nobody in my family

beef with O.J. like that.

And we would've killed O.J.

after the first time

he beat my sister up.

We would've

whupped his ass.

We would've made real

orange juice out of that nigga.

So, you ain't gonna

find no bloody gloves.

If anything happened,

you can quote me, sir,

they would find

some bloody gloves

at our house.

But this was before...

O.J. would be dead,

nigga, and that's real.

Detective Mark Fuhrman was

one of the lead detectives--


--on the case and--

Fuhrman? He's a racist,

it's a racist name.

Fuhrman. You're sayin',

what is he a furor, German?

Fuhrman, German.

Sound a little

familiar to you?

I'm sorry, sir,

but he probably says

"nigger" a lot,

with a name like that.

I can't comment.

I bet you can't.

But as a person

that says "nigger" a lot,

trust me.

That nigga says "nigger"

all the time.

Mr. Chappelle,

are you suggesting that,

because one of the detectives

is a possible racist,

and because

there may have been

some minor oversights

in the investigation,

that it completely lets

O.J. off the hook?


The defense rests, sir.

Mr. Chappelle--

No further questions!

Will you at least admit

that O.J. more than likely

killed his wife?

Sir, my blackness

will not permit me

to make a statement

like that.

You're dismissed.

Are you aware

of the charges

that Michael Jackson is

currently facing?

Yes, sir.

Ah, and for the record,

these charges

hurt me the most.

So he's guilty.

Look, man, look,

Michael Jackson

has many faces,

none of 'em look

guilty to me.

You gotta look in the eyes,

not the noses.

He's been accused of this

more than once.

So, some people say that

cucumbers taste better pickled.





What if I told you

that the accusers

correctly described

Michael's penis

to investigators?

Sir, I have never seen

Michael's alleged penis,

but I bet you that

I could describe it.

All right, let me guess.

There's a head,

a shaft, some balls,

hair, maybe pressed,

permed hair,

with glitter

sprinkled on it.

That is correct.

Whoa, how'd I know?

Come on, dude,

I couldn't pick my own penis

out of a lineup,

all right?

And me and my penis is

like this, son.

What about Michael saying

it's okay to have

children sleep with him?

That don't mean anything.

I'm sure there's plenty of kids

that sleep in the bed

with their adults all the time,

and nothing happens.

So you do you think

Michael Jackson

is guilty of the charges

against him?

No, man.

He made "Thriller."


So you'd let your children

sleep with him.

Fuck no!


Are you aware

that Robert Blake

is facing

a charge of murder?

Oh, yeah.

Baretta did that shit.

Mr. Chappelle,

are you aware

that Robert Kelly

is being charged

with child pornography?

Yes, I've heard

of such things.

You've seen

the video tapes?

Have I seen it!

Like, 80 times.

You know the part

where he's waiting for her

to come over,

and he's looking

in the camera


(soft grunts)

So, you think that it was

Robert Kelly on the tape?

Well, I'd have

to say it was.

So, then,

you believe

he urinated

on a 15-year-old girl.

Whoa, hold on, lady!

I didn't say all that.

You know, with these tapes,

they can do a lot of things.

For all I know,

that piss was digital.

They-- They get crazy

with special effects.

Look, look,

check this out.

I didn't even

just do that.

Did I do that?

That piss was digital.

They'll do crazy stuff

with special effects.

What about the girl

corroborating the story?

So what?

How much money does

this girl stand to make

by "corroborating"

this story?

I tell you what,

you give me that kind of money,

R. Kelly can fart

in my dinner tonight.


So, besides the tape

and the girl corroborating

the allegations,

what more would it take for you

to believe he's guilty?

All right, if I saw

a tape of R. Kelly

peeing on a girl

while he was singing

"Piss On You"...

♪ Lovers wanna love... ♪

...and the girl was holding

two forms of government ID...

...while a

police officer

was there,

like, four or five

of my buddies

and Neal taking notes...


I'm not finished.

And his grandmother

has to be there

to confirm

his identity.

That's my Robert,

always peeing on people.

Don't forget

her hair, Robert.

Yes, grandmother.

Mr. Chappelle,

isn't that excessive?

No, no,

it's not excessive.

Listen, lady, the burden

of proof is on the state,

on the state!

You have got

to prove to me,

beyond a reasonable doubt,

whether or not

this man is a pisser.

Aren't your doubts


No, it's not unreasonable.

Look, we're talking

about a justice system

that had 500 people

whose cases were overturned

by DNA evidence.

I've seen a tape where

five cops beat up a nigga,

and they said that

they had reasonable doubt.

I got my doubts too,

all right?

How come they didn't find

Big and Tupac's murderers

but they arrest O.J.

the next day?

Nicole Simpson can't rap.

I want justice!

You are all...

this whole goddamn court is

out of order, everybody.

Mr. Chappelle,

you're dismissed.

And that's from the heart.

(cheers and applause)

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back,


Tonight's musical guest is

one of my favorite MCs, man,

and part of

one of my favorite groups.

He's a great solo artist.

Give it up

for Wyclef Jean.


♪ Election time is coming... ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ I'd get elected

on Friday ♪

♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪

♪ Buried on Sunday ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ An old man told me ♪

♪ Instead of spending ♪

♪ Billions on the war ♪

♪ We can use

some of that money ♪

♪ In the ghetto ♪

♪ I know some so poor ♪

♪ When it rains,

that's when they shower shower ♪

♪ Screaming "fight the power" ♪

♪ That's when

the vulture devoured ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ I'd get elected

on Friday ♪

♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪

♪ Buried on Sunday ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ But the radio won't

play this ♪

♪ They call it rebel music ♪

♪ How can you refuse it ♪

♪ Children of Moses ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ I'd get elected

on Friday ♪

♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪

♪ Buried on Sunday ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ Tell the children

the truth, the truth ♪

♪ Christopher Columbus didn't

discover America ♪

♪ Tell them the truth,

the truth ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Tell them

about Marcus Garvey ♪

♪ Tell the children the truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the truth ♪

♪ Tell them about

Martin Luther King ♪

♪ Tell them the truth,

the truth ♪

♪ Tell them about JFK ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ I'd get elected

on Friday ♪

♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪

♪ Buried on Sunday ♪

♪ If I was president ♪

♪ If I was president ♪♪

Yeah, that's the truth

right there.

(cheers and applause)

I'd like to thank

my guest Wyclef Jean,

I'd like to thank everybody

at home for watching.

You guys are the greatest.

Now, I'll see you next week.

(cheers and applause)

I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honking)


Hi, thank you.


Some good-ass cheese,


Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.


I ate too much

of that good-ass cheese.

Say "yes, grandmama"

to the camera

Yes, grandmama.

Turn a little bit more.

That's good.

Huh, you're lost?