Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 9 - Oprah's Baby Daddy & Jury Duty - full transcript

Dave imagines life as Oprah's baby's daddy and shares his experience as a jury member on the OJ Simpson trial; musical performance by Wyclef Jean.

♪ Chappelle's show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[announcer] Dave Chappelle!

What's up!


Oh, man.

What's poppin', y'all?

I don't know

if you guys know this,

but my favorite TV show

is comin' back on the air.

It's called Making the Band.

Whoo, it's a beast!

Puff Daddy takes five people

and puts 'em in a house together

and makes 'em cut a record

for Bad Boy.

They argue, they fight.

Oh, the fights!

The drama!

If you haven't seen

the first season,

you don't know

what I'm talkin' about.

Here's the highlights

from the first season.

[hip-hop music]

[man] Congratulations.

Y'all made it

inside the house.

You did good.

Alright, this is what's up,

you can live here,

you can record here.

you can be

Bad Boy artists here,

but if you wanna do it,

first y'all gotta walk to Queens

and get me a sugar cookie.

A sugar cookie?

Man, this is crazy.

We got it. Come on, man.

Bad Boy.

A sugar cookie, man.

Look, this is not what I got in

the music business to be doing,

to be a sugar cookie-getter.

You know, I'm a rapper.

Who are the five best rappers

of all time?

Think about it.

Dylan, Dylan,

Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan,

because I spit hot fire.

That's a good-ass sugar cookie.

You guys are official now.

Welcome to Bad Boy.

It's Bad Boy, baby.

Can't stop. Won't stop.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm sending y'all

to the studio.

I want you to turn

Daddy out a hit,

but I need you to be

a family unit

and love each other,

or this will never work.

That's right, man,

that's right.

Go out there

and get Daddy a hit.

I'm gonna take a nap.

[audience laughing]

[Dylan] What'd you do?

[all shouting]

[woman] Let 'em fight!

Let 'em fight!

[all clamoring]

[woman] Let them fight!

I'm shuttin'

the studio down.

[all scoff]

The only way I could keep

the studio open

is if y'all go out

and walk through

Northern New Jersey,

get me a set of

left-handed golf clubs.

I also need you to take

a picture with a midget

holdin' these balloons.

Take a picture with a midget

holdin' these balloons...

Holdin' these balloons.

You did it.

You went out,

you found my man...

You found a midget, man,

and you got the pictures,

you got the golf clubs.

Here's the keys

to the studio.

Now, if y'all excuse me,

I'm going scuba diving

with Chris Tucker and Aquaman.

You be cool.


[people clamoring]

[Dylan] Oh, my God!

What's happening?

We're supposed to be a family.

What are you doing?

Not like this, man!

Y'all not workin'

like a team.

I gotta shut

the studio down, yo.

Alright, the only way

I'll open the studio up now,

y'all gotta walk Uptown

to the Bronx

and get breast milk

from a Cambodian immigrant.

I only drink

the finest breast milks.

Go out there

and milk a Cambodian.


It's 100% Cambodian, yo.

It's the real shit.

[bottles clinking]

♪ Breast milk ♪

♪ You made my day-ay ♪

Not only am I gonna

open the studio up,

I'm sendin' you in there

with a legend.

That's right,

Wyclef, playboy.

No disrespect,

I wanted to work with Wyclef

more than I wanted

to work with Puff.

Yo, Dylan, you ready

to get it started, baby?

[Dylan] Alright, here we go.

[clears throat]

♪ Bumbaclaat, bumbaclaat ♪

♪ Bumba, bumba, bumbaclaat ♪

♪ A rump-un-tomp,

A rump-un-ting ♪

♪ A rumpa-tumpa-tump,

A rump-un-sting ♪

♪ I rip and I rhyme,

I rhyme and I rip ♪

♪ This is the way

That Dylan spits ♪

You...You tryin' to get

some of this hot fire?

We can either make this song

or not make this song.

You're too close, man!

Hey, y'all gonna choke a legend?

You don't think

I want to choke people?

You can't just choke

all your problems.

This takes hard work.

If I had my way,

I'd never work.

I'd just stay home all day,

watch Scarface 50 times,

eat a turkey sandwich,

and have sex all fuckin' day.

Then I'd dress up like a clown

and surprise kids at schools.

Then I'd take a dump

in the back of a movie theater

and just wait

till somebody sat in it,

hear it squish.

That's funny to me.

Then I'd paint, and read,

and play violin.

I'd climb the mountains

and sing the songs

that I like to sing.

But I don't got

that kind of time.

Playboy? Playboy?

You just gonna comb

your hair, Playboy?

Sarah, you just gonna talk up

all your anytime minutes?

Is this anytime? huh?

Babs, you just gonna sit there

and chop onions right now, huh?

Good time to chop onions?

Look at this nigga.

You just gonna

do your taxes, Ness?

You just gonna sit there

and crunch numbers?

Huh? Is that hot?

Is that what's goin' on

in the streets right now,

your taxes?

Alright, look.

I got some good news,

and I got some bad news, y'all.

The bad news

is that I'm shuttin' down

the studio.

The good news

is that I just saved a lot

of money on my car insurance.

Fonzworth, bring me a sandwich!

[upbeat hip-hop music]

He can fly, man.

He can fly.

He believes in himself.

♪ I like the way you move ♪

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.

♪ I like the way you move ♪

[audience cheering

and applauding]

We gonna take

a quick commercial break, y'all.

Don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

Hey, everybody,

welcome back.

You know, folks,

you ever be watchin'

a ball game,

and then these

beer commercials come on,

and it just makes it seem like

dudes go out and drink beer

and have the best time?

Let me tell you somethin'

about drinkin' beer.

Drinkin' beer brings

the animal out in somebody.

And I know alcohol companies

sponsor my show.

I ain't talkin' about them,

them shits are delicious.

I'm talkin' about

the rest of 'em.

They go too far.

The ads are irresponsible.

Why don't they make

an honest commercial

that shows the animal

that beer brings out?

Like this.

Hey, what night is it, guys?

[all] Dudes' night out!


[all] Dudes, dudes, dudes.

I don't know what it is,

you know?


Yo, excuse me,

what are you--

[Dave] Hey, man,

what do you mean,

don't worry about it?

I bought that bitch a drink!

I don't play that game!

Hey! Look out, Billy!

Oh! What?

You think

this is a game, biatch?

This is dudes' night out!




[all] Dudes' night out!

Only reason I'm cryin'

is 'cause of the adrenaline.


Oh, no, man, no!

[all] Dudes' night out!

[urine trickling]

[man grunting]

[all] Dudes' night out!

Hey, hey, little lady.

[man] Y'all wanna party with us?


Oh, nigga, that's a dude!

Shut the fuck up, Dave.

I am drunk,

and I am horny. Hey, baby.

Ha! you're jealous, Dave!

[Dave] No, don't do it! No!

[all] Dudes' night out!

Let's go.

[Dave] Let's get out of here.

Yo, a mouth's a mouth, man.

-[Dave] What?

-I'm out.

Billy, what are you doin'?

Billy. Billy!

[Steve] I'm just gonna

be a minute.

Hey, Steve! Hey, you guys!

[man] Yo, Tonya... Tony...

Whatever your name is.

Bye, Dave.

[man] When it's

dudes' night out,

it's got to be Schlipp's.

[audience cheering

and applauding]

Hey, everybody, we're gonna

take a quick commercial break.

But don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back.


♪ Turn on your TV ♪

♪ What you gonna see? ♪

Welcome back!

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show.

[audience cheering

and applauding]

You know, folks,

I don't know

about any of you guys,

but I'm a parent, alright?

There's a lot of wild things

going on in the world,

and it's very hard to explain

these things to your children.

That's alright,

'cause tonight,

I'm going to help you.

I have created a show

that helps to explain

the evils of the world

to youth

in a way

that they can understand

and that's palatable to them,

and I hope you enjoy it.

Here it is.

[twinkling music]

Hey, everyone,

look what I found.

It's...It's a dagger!

[all] Wow!

[Bobble] Whoa, that's not

a toy, there, Robert!

[all] Bobble!

Hey, kids.

Hey, you better be careful

when you're handlin'

those things.

That's not a dagger at all.

It's called a syringe.

People use it to inject

a drug called heroin

directly into

their bloodstream.


Probably because

you get higher that way

than sniffing it.

Bobble, why do people

get high?

Oh, very good question,

young lady.

For all kinds of reasons.

Some people think they need it

just to get through the day,

and some people

just like to party

and can quit whenever they want,

like me.





Kids, there are a lot

of double standards

about drugs in this country.

[twinkling harp music]

♪ Kids, it's time

To keep it real ♪

♪ Life is hard ♪

♪ And I can't deal ♪

♪ I know it looks

A certain way ♪

♪ But people get high

Every day ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Some people do it

With cigarette smokin' ♪

♪ Others treat their headaches

With ibuprofen ♪

♪ Your grandpa talks

About self-respect ♪

♪ And then he takes drugs

To keep his cock erect ♪

♪ But it's all drugs to me ♪

♪ It's all drugs to me ♪


That junk's kicking in, kids.

It feels like I have

a million teeny, tiny kitty cats

rubbing my balls

as I skeet, skeet, skeet

all over the walls!


Let me bring

this bitch home.

♪ They're all ♪

♪ Drugs ♪

♪ To ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Me ♪

I'm going

to the emergency room.

Bye-bye, kids.

You see, kids,

always throw away your trash.

[groans softly]

I'm fucking dying, man!

[Bobble groaning]


[all] It's Stinky, the grom.

Fuck you too.

What's wrong, Stinky?

Besides living

in a trash can

and having a syringe lodged

in my fucking head,

nothing, I guess.

Where are your parents, anyway?

My mommy and daddy

are at work.

Oh, yeah?

Well, me, I gave up working

a long time ago.

Don't give up, Stinky.

My dad says if you never

give up and work hard,

all your dreams will come true.

That's the gayest shit

I ever heard.


[upbeat bass music]

♪ I don't believe yo' pappy ♪

♪ He may be rich,

But he ain't happy ♪

♪ Tells you 'bout work

And you want to be him ♪

♪ But when's the last time

You got to see him? ♪

♪ He works hard, why? ♪

♪ So you can go out

And buy ♪

♪ A bunch of shit

That you don't need ♪

♪ Driven by your punk-ass

Hopes and greed ♪

♪ That's why I say ♪

♪ Fuck it ♪

♪ For the first time

In my life ♪

♪ I'm finally free ♪

♪ No mansion for me ♪

♪ I said "Fuck it" ♪

♪ No brand-new Humvee ♪

♪ I say "Fuck it" ♪

♪ But you'll get no pussy ♪

♪ Fuck it ♪

♪ What you don't understand ♪

♪ Is I make love to my hand ♪

♪ So I don't need you, honey ♪

♪ I beat my dick

Like it owes me money ♪

♪ Fuck it ♪

That's right, I said fuck it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna make me

a nice feces sandwich.

Look, it's Dangle!

And, hey,

you're Chris Rock!

It's Dave Chappelle,

but close enough.

[kid] Where are you guys going?

Well, Dangle's not

feeling well,

so I'm taking him

to the doctor.

What's wrong, Dangle?

Actually, it's my penis.

what's that?

[unzips pants]

[all] Ew!

When I pee-pee,

it burns like hell.

I have what's known

as a venereal disease.

How did you get it?

From fucking.

I got so much puppet-ass,

it could be from anywhere.

What's the sickness called?

I'm not sure, Robert.

That's why we're going

to the doctor.

There's a lot of different kinds

of penis sicknesses out there.

Isn't that right, Q-Tip?

That's right, Dave,

all kinds.

♪ Sex isn't wrong,

But you gotta be right ♪

♪ If you're hitting the sheets ♪

♪ Then wrap it up tight ♪

♪ Listen up, kids,

'Cause I ain't jokin' ♪

♪ One bad decision ♪

♪ Your dick will be smokin' ♪

♪ You'll catch a VD

But don't take it from me ♪

[upbeat French music]


Oh, hello, Dave Chappelle,

haven't seen you for a while.

What's it been,

two months?

Dirty motherfucker.

[Dave] Oh, here come the crabs.

[upbeat Latin music]

♪ The crabs ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ The crab, the crabs ♪

[both] Ole!

This nigga's a freak.

[upbeat music]

♪ I'm the herpes,

The herpes ♪

See you in hell, motherfuckers.

Ooh, baby, I like it raw.

Oh, gosh.

-Wow, life is hard.

-[Dave] Nah, it's not, Lisa.

Alright, look,

if you just remember

to keep your genitals

out of harm's way,

don't chase money,

and refrain from littering,

you'll be a winner.


-Q-Tip, take us home!

Come on, kids!

♪ it's a VD day ♪

♪ VD day,

A VD day ♪

♪ It's a VD day ♪

♪ VD day,

A VD day ♪

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

VD is in the house.

What's up, VD?

[Dave] We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show .

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

Better not bring your kids!

[cheering and applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's musical guest,

the voice of Dangle,

none other than

Snoop Doggy Dogg!

Yeah, what up?

Who let this motherfucking

base-head on stage?

Hit this motherfucker, G!

Nah, man,

I can't do that shit.


I been dealing here

for five months,

and he ain't hit the pipe

in front of me yet!

[Snoop] So what you saying?

I'm saying,

I think you five-O.


Nigga, I ain't five-O.

Well, then,

hit this motherfucker then!

I can feel it!

Have to show this nigga

I ain't no motherfuckin' police.

I'm a take you

on a ride, Tyrone.

Check this out, nigga.

♪ Creep with me

As I crawl through the hood ♪

♪ Maniac, lunatic

Call him Snoop Eastwood ♪

♪ Kickin' dust as I bust,

Fuck peace ♪

♪ And the motherfuckin'

Punk police ♪

♪ You already know I gives

A fuck about a cop ♪

♪ So why in the fuck ♪

♪ Would you think

That it would stop? ♪

♪ Plot, hell yeah,

That's what I'm about to do ♪

♪ Take yo ass on the mission

With the boys in blue ♪

♪ Dre! What up, Snoop? ♪

♪ Yo, I got the feelin' ♪

♪ Tonight's the night

Like Betty Wright ♪

♪ And I'm chillin' ♪

♪ Killin', feelin'

No remorse, yeah ♪

♪ So let's go straight

To the motherfuckin' source ♪

♪ And see what we can find ♪

♪ Crooked-ass cops that pop us

And give us a gang of times ♪

♪ And now they wanna

Make a deal with me ♪

♪ Scoop me up

And put me on they team ♪

♪ And chill with me ♪

♪ And make my pockets bigger ♪

♪ They want to meet with me

Tonight at seven o'clock ♪

♪ So what's up, nigga?

what you wanna do? ♪

♪ What you tryin' to do? ♪

♪ I got your gauge, my Uzi ♪

♪ And your

Motherfuckin' .22 ♪

♪ So if you wanna blast, nigga,

We can buck 'em ♪

♪ If we stick 'em,

Then we stuck 'em, so fuck 'em ♪

♪ I said, yeah,

And you don't stop ♪

♪ 'Cause it's 1-8-7

On a motherfuckin' rock ♪

♪ Yeah, and you don't stop ♪

♪ 'Cause it's 1-8-7

On a motherfuckin' rock ♪

On a motherfuckin' rock?

♪ 1-8-7

On the motherfuckin'... ♪


That's how I do.

I can't put you

on that one.

[cheering and applauding]

I'd like to thank

my guest, Snoop Dogg.

I'd like to thank

venereal diseases

and the kids and everybody.

And I'd like to thank you

at home for watching.

I will see you next week.

[man] I'm rich, biatch!

[horn honking]

[woman] Hi, thank you!

I have what's known as

a sexually transmitted disease.

[man] How'd you get it?

From fucking.




[bottles clinking]

♪ Breast milk ♪