Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 13 - Lil Jon On Lil Jon & Black Bush - full transcript

Dave considers how recent events would have played out if President Bush were black and spends another moment in the life of Lil' John.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.




Yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Dave... Chappelle!

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Man, thank you, guys.

Thanks, man.

What's up, everybody?

Yo, what's up, man?

Thank you, guys,
man, shoot.

Thank you, man.

Thanks... oh.

Oh man, you all got me like,
you got me touched tonight.

I would actually cry but the
reefer has dried my eyes out.

You know, I wish my
grandmother could see me.

My grandmother gave me
the best advice in my life.

She said, "you know, Dave,

"everybody wants to be
the first person

"to do something.

"Well, let me
tell you something.

"Don't ever be the
first black person

to do anything."

Because anytime
you hear

about the first black dude
that did something,

it's a terrible story,
no matter how benign.

Imagine, like who was
the first black person

to take a shit
on a white toilet?

Well, we did some research

and I think you'll be surprised
at what we found.

Good evening,
I'm Philip Halston.

In 1954, the United States
was marred with unrest.

With the bus boycotts
in Montgomery,

and Brown versus
the Board of Education

still under deliberation,

the social climate
was changing rapidly.

It was in this context
that one man,

Cyrus Holloway,
made history

when he took on the rural town
of Hartsfield, Alabama.

I remember it was a hot day

and I was working the double
shift at the steel mill.

Between shifts
I went outside

and bought myself
a roast beef sandwich

from a boy who that used to
sell 'em out front.

But little did I know
that roast beef sandwich

would change
my life forever.

Not long after lunch,
I felt a bubblin' in my stomach,

an evil bubblin'.

A bubble that to me
signified nothing else

but the early stages
of mud butt.

I had to take a dump.

I had to take a dump

The closest colored bathroom
was located

in the basement of the
steel mill near the boiler room.

Oh, that toilet
was disgusting.

It wasn't fit for
Christian butt cheeks.

My only options at that time

were I could either go
doo-doo in my trousers,

which I couldn't do,

that was my only good pair
at the time.

Or, I could use
the white restroom.

It was risky,
but so was mud butt.

Mr. Holloway proceeded
to go to the white restroom

and take what would be known

as one of the most
significant dumps

in American history.

After the historic
dump began,

one of Holloway's co-workers,
Austin Stringer,

entered the restroom.

He immediately called
the local police

who were being followed
by a television crew.

There he is, officer!

Come outta there,

With all due respect...

I got the mud butt.

(Cyrus) While I was on the
toilet, they sicced dogs on me...

sprayed me
with water...

good lord, it's mud butt!

Finally, I just let them
haul me off to jail.

Book 'im.

Desecration of a white
facility with negroid feces.

Here's your evidence.

I could make about three,
four more bags of that

if you want, sir.

Cyrus was charged with using
a white rest facility

and faced
nine years in prison.

Word spread quickly
around Hartsfield

and the nation at large.

Civil rights activists
throughout the United States

descended on this tiny
Alabama town,

almost immediately.

My brothers and sisters,

we are gathered here
today to discuss

matters of the cocka-dookie
and the stinky-stinky.

Yes, sir!

I have a question to pose
to the government...


Why can't my turd
float next to yours?

Our voices will be heard!

It was the first and largest
demonstration of its kind,

the nation's first shit-in.

No, my brothers and sisters
do not run!

Turn your butt cheeks
toward the aggressors

and let them clean
your butt cheeks

with the cascading water.

This is a good thing,
my brothers and sisters.

The shit-in made
national news

and the American legal society
picked up the case

and took it all the way
to the Supreme Court.

(protesters chanting)

In the case of Holloway versus
the State of Alabama,

the Supreme Court rules
in favor of Mr. Holloway.



It is my opinion that no matter
what the color of your skin,

your feces will be brown.

Except for the
clay colored ones,

and of course,
the spinach green.

And, no matter what
the hue of your poo,

it will
undoubtedly stink.

Good day.

(Cyrus) By the time
they read that verdict,

my butt,
my butt was calling.

I suppose I was
happy about winning,

but what I was
most happy about

was that I could get up
from that courtroom

and use the toilet.

How you doin',
Ms. Pippen?


I just remember
goin' in that bathroom

and takin' the first...

free dump that I'd ever
taken in my life.

Beautiful dump.

As a matter of fact, the choir
from my church came.

And I'm gonna
lay down my burden

down by the riverside
down by the riverside

down by
the riverside

I'm gonna
lay down my burden

down by
the riverside

I'm gonna study war
no more...


It is all just a matter

of the stinky stinky
and the cocka-dookie.

I'm Philip Halston,
good night.

Well, I ain't gonna
study war no more

we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show

after these messages.


(phone ringing)

and good evening.

It's me.


It's me.


It's me...
Lil' Jon.


I'm feeling lonely.

I feel like I just need
to talk to someone

who will understand,

and, well, that someone
is you, Jon.


Don't you like


I said, don't you
like popsicles?


I said, don't you
like popsicles?





Sometimes I feel like I am
all alone in this world

and I have
no one to go to!


I said, sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone

in this world
and I have no one, sir!


No one!


To go to.


No one!
That understands my pain!


Sometimes when I'm alone,

I sit on my hand and
wait 'til it gets numb

and masturbate.

I call that
a "stranger."

Have you given
yourself a stranger?


A stranger?

Yeah, yeah I do.



(phone ringing)

Hold on.

They callin' me.

Lil' Jon?
It's Oprah.

How are you?

Good, listen,
I'm pregnant.


Are you sure it's mine?

I'm sure, it's yours.

Ahh, skeet skeet
skeet skeet!

I love you.

Okay, bye bye!

It was Oprah.

She's having our baby.


I can't hear you,
my cell phone's breaking up.

I can't hear you.

Sounds like your phone
is breaking up.


Okay! yeah!


What?! Okay!


Huh? Roger!


Meltin' down!

Bye, nigga!

You've just watched

"A Moment in the Life
of Lil' Jon."

Hey gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to
the Chappelle show.

Hey everybody, welcome back.

Welcome back
to the show.

You know, I've talked about
a lot of things on the show,

I've made fun of so many
different people.

And people say, Dave,
you talk about everybody

except the President,
why don't you do that?

Well, 'cause
he's the President.

Now, I know my limits,
ladies and gentlemen

and I wouldn't
wanna cross 'em.

But I will say this.

If our President
were black,

we would not be
at war right now.

Not because a black person

wouldn't have done something
like that,

just because America wouldn't
let a black person

do something like that

without asking them
a million questions.

You know, they
always do polls,

like, "minorities just don't
seem to trust their government."

Because you don't understand
what it looks like for us.

So let me help
paint the picture.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring
to you now, "Black Bush."

(female narrator) President
Bush continues to make his case

for an invasion of Iraq.

After carefully
examining the region,

me and my cabinet agree
that that area

is definitely ripe
for regime change.


But if I can be
real about it...

be real, son.
Be real?

Be real real, son.

They tried to
kill my father, man.


I don't play that shit.

Say word, he tried to
kill your father, son.

That nigga tried
to kill my father!

Word to
everything we love,

we comin' to
see ya'll, son.

Meanwhile, President Bush

and British Prime Minister
Tony Blair

offered a spirited explanation
for a possible war with Iraq.

This nigga very possibly has
weapons of mass destruction.

I can't
sleep on that.

Not on my watch!

That's not how I roll,
that shit is serious!

Now if you don't want to
take my word for it,

why don't you ask
Tony Blair?

He got a whole 'nother set
of intelligence.

What's up, Tony?

We don't know much
about Saddam,

but we can't trust
random niggas

with things like that, as
George so eloquently put it.

I'm with him
100% of the way.

We don't know what he has.

(male narrator) If United
States goes to war with Iraq,

will it first have to
provide evidence

that Saddam Hussein has weapons
of mass destruction?

So far, the U.N.
Has found nothing,

but President Bush
counters with this:

The nigga bought
aluminum tubes!

Do I need to tell you

what the fuck you can do
with an aluminum tube?


That don't scare you?

Fine, I didn't wanna
say this...

the motherfucker bought some
yellow cake, okay, in Africa.

He went to Africa
and he bought yellow cake.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

I got the head of CIA right
here, he'll tell you!

Are you sure...

are you sure... I can't
believe you motherfuckers.

This is ridiculous...

Me and Jeb just
comin' back from Africa.

Cradle of fuckin'

And this nigga out here
buyin' yellow cake.

From the motherland.

Are you sure it was
yellow cake?

Y'all niggas
don't believe me,

I got some yellow cake
right here!

Look, you see,
you believe this shit now.

Don't drop that shit!

I know, I know
what to do with it!

That's why I got it wrapped up
in this special CIA napkin.

Just don't drop that
shit here.

You better hope I don't
drop this shit!

Pray to God you don't
drop that shit.

Yellow cake.

Fuckin' right.

A sensitive accusation
for this administration

is the theory held by many
that the real reason

the U.S. is so interested
in toppling Saddam

is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on.

What about people who say

you're only interested in
the Middle East for oil?


Huh? Oil?

Who said something about
oil, bitch, you cookin'?


Man, I don't know.

Come on ya'll,
get outta here!

President Bush met with U.N.
Secretary General Kofi Annan

and made it clear
the U.S. will act

even if the reluctant.

U.N., you have
a problem with that?

Know what you should do?

You should
sanction me.

Sanction me with your Army.

Wait a minute!

You don't have an Army!

I guess that means you need to
shut the fuck up!

That's what I'd do
if I had no Army.

I would shh!
The fuck up.


That's right,
Kofi Annan.

You think I'm gonna take
orders from an African?

You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need 'em

when you in Times Square
selling fake hats.

I know Gucci when
I see it, nigga, I'm rich.

I got a coalition
of the willing.

I got 40 nations,
ready to roll, son!

Like who?

Who the fuck said that?

Huh? Huh?

Like who?


Japan's sending

Stankonia said they're willing
to drop bombs over Baghdad.

Rickety Row is coming!

Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu Nation.

That means I am not
doing this by myself

and I am not
disrespecting the U.N.

Even though
they don't got no Army.

Go sell some
medicine, bitches!

Trying to get that oil...
oh, ho!

The U.S. fired the opening
salvo in the war on Iraq

with at least 40 Tomahawk
cruise missiles

and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad.

Good evening.

Tonight, President
George Bush

is on board the aircraft carrier
U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln

off the California coast.

It will be the sight of
what is essentially

his victory speech
in the war against Iraq.

(clears throat)

What did I say?

I'm not gloatin',
but what did I say?

Did I not say that
we would win that shit?

We rocked 'em, 'bamas!
We rocked 'em!

Nigga, you see me
come in on that plane?


Da da da da
da da da da dah!

For the second straight day,
these hardline Iraqis

protested the American
presence here.

Mr. President,
when do you think

they'll hold general
elections in Iraq?

Damn, I knew I shouldn't have
called on this nigga!

I should not have
called on you

because you're always trying
distract motherfuckers

with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues.

Gay people are
getting married, folks.

Yes... nasty!
Imagine that?

Two women touchin' on each
other's tittie balls,

wrestlin' them,

gently strokin'
those nipples

until they get
just so stiff and erect!

Blowin' on 'em.


I like you.
I like you too, dog.

Let's get married, man.

It's crazy!

What about your...

that shit is gross!

Mr. President, sir,
how do you explain

the continual
upheaval in Iraq

even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein?

Why are you
doing this, man?

I thought you was
my black brother.

Why you asking me
questions like that?

Fine, I'll answer your
stupid-ass question.

Here's what I feel
about Iraq.

I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq

when I'm focusing on other
things, namely the moon.

Yes, I said it,
the moon.

Can't be distracted.

"What's going on with
the war?

What's wrong with
the economy?"

Stop worrying about that...
I got that shit under control!

Let's focus
on space, nigga.

The United States of Space.

'Cause I ain't
stoppin' at the moon.

Write this down:
M-A-R-S, Mars, bitches.

That's where
we are going.

Mars, red rocks!

Yeah, yeah!

We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.

Don't go nowhere
and we'll be right back

with more Chappelle show.

Turn on your TV.

What you
goin' to see?

Ladies and gentleman,

make noise for Outkast's own
Big Boi!

It's like this,

sucka go right
to motherfuckin' high.

Give me
a back, Roy.

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from

Okay, I start out
all alone

'cause my baby mama left me
but there's nobody at home

beginning to feel like
Ms. Jackson done got cloned

well, it's some real shit

and I'm livin' it
through this song

a moving vehicle
took my family

as I slept out on the sofa
in the boom boom room

I woke up very upset

I throw the covers back and
peep out through the draperies

my daughter, my baby,
my baby mama all escaping me

like a candle in the wind
she was my friend

like Princess Di
before she died

therefore we tried
and tried again

but in the end you pay
attention to the pluses

but the minuses behind make it
seem like you can't win

throw your neck out
throw your back out

throw your neck out

my neck
and my back

this is dedicated...
to that special lady

that I'm paying $3,000
a month for that baby

you know what
your name is

round two, a single parent
what is Big to do?

Throw a party?
Not hardly

I'm trying to stay up
outta that womb

that P-U-S-S
I say uss

Luther Vandross
couldn't make a home

out of this house
that we smooshed

smashed, pushed to the limit
smash and turned it timid

and everyone was suffering
the house was feeling wicked

the cat got old
the dog got old

the food got cold

both of our tempers
were on swole'

for the most part
you fuss, fight, fart

you build it up
to break it down

and now take it
from the start

repeatedly leading a path
that only ends in a clash

of two stubborn minds
grown folks blind to the sign

throw your neck out
throw your back out

throw your neck out

throw your
back out

come on
throw your neck out, yeah

throw your back out
throw your neck out

throw your neck,
neck, neck out

throw your back out
throw your back out

K.O. knocked out
by technicality

the love has
kissed the canvas

now the whole family
gets mad at me

my daughter don't want me
at her PTA meetings

and then my son
he can't talk

when I change him he's peeing
I think he's pissed

I can't dismiss
the matter of the fact

because he saw
me and you argue

now the energy
is coming back

set an example

a positive pattern
keep life on track

but I'm married to the music
and committed to the wax

tapes and cds

baby please, you make me
want to scream

you're on my team
starting first string

so why are we arguing?

Take cds, baby please
you make me want to scream

you're on my team
starting first string

so why are we arguing?

Throw your
fuckin' neck out


I'd like to thank my guest,
Big Boi of Outkast.

And I'd like to thank
each and every one of you

for being here.

And everyone at home for
supporting the show.

It's been an amazing season.

We love you,
we thank you for it.

We shook up the world!

I'm out!

I'm rich bee-yotch!

(honk honk)

Hi, thank you!

Who do you know
in Iraq?

The war is over!
The war is over!


You know
who this is?

Antwone Fisher...
he's still here.

He's still standing,
he's still strong!

Just like America!

take a bow!

Some brave teachers,
big up to you teachers.

There's a milkman in
the house, what's poppin'?

Rocksteady Crew's
in the house.

Crazy legs,
what's up, my nigga?