Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 12 - Wayne Brady & Tyrone Biggums's Fear Factor - full transcript

Wayne Brady replaces Dave on his own show and takes him for a menacing ride. Tyrone Biggums returns as a guest on Fear Factor.

♪ Chappelle's show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪


[male announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen...

Dave Chappelle!


Man, thank you, guys.

Thanks, man.


What's up, everybody?

Yo, what's up, man?

Thank you, guys.

Man, shoot.

Thank you, man.

Thanks-- oh.

Oh, man, y'all got me, like--

you got me touched tonight.

I would actually cry,

but the reefer

has dried my eyes out.

You know, I wish my

grandmother could see me.

My grandmother gave me

the best advice of my life.

She said, "You know, Dave,

everybody wants to be

the first person

to do something.

Well, let me

tell you something.

Don't ever be

the first black person

to do anything."


Because anytime you hear

about the first black dude

that did something,

it's a terrible story,

no matter how benign.

Imagine, like,

who was the first black person

to take a shit

on a white toilet?

Well, we did some research,

and I think you'll be surprised

at what we found.

Good evening,

I'm Philip Halston.

In 1954, the United States

was marred with unrest.

With the bus boycotts

in Montgomery

and "Brown versus

the board of education"

still under deliberation,

the social climate

was changing rapidly.

It was in this context

that one man,

Cyrus Holloway,

made history

when he took on the rural town

of Hartsfield, Alabama.

I remember it was a hot day,

and I was working the double

shift at the steel mill.

Between shifts,

I went outside

and bought myself

a roast beef sandwich

from a boy that used to

sell them out front,

but little did I know that

that roast beef sandwich

would change my life forever.

Not Long after lunch, I felt

a bubbling in my stomach--

an evil bubbling.

A bubble that, to me,

signified nothing else

but the early stages

of mud butt.

I had to take a dump.

I had to take a dump


The closest colored bathroom

was located

in the basement

of the steel mill,

near the boiler room.

Oh, that toilet

was disgusting.

Wasn't fit for

Christian butt cheeks.

My only options

at that time were,

I could either

go doo-doo in my trousers,

which I couldn't do--

that was my only good pair

at the time--

or I could use

the White restroom.

It was risky,

but so was mud butt.

Mr. Holloway proceeded

to go to the white restroom

and take what would be known

as one of the most

significant dumps

in American history.

After the historic

dump began,

one of Holloway's co-workers,

Austin Stringer,

entered the restroom.

He immediately called

the local police,

who were being followed

by a television crew.


There he is, officer!

Come out of there,


With all due respect...


I got the mud butt.

While I was on the toilet,

they sicced dogs on me.

[dog barking]

sprayed me with water.

Good lord, it's mud butt!

Finally, I just let them

haul me off to jail.

Book him.

Desecration of a white facility

with negroid feces.

Here's your evidence.

I can make about three,

four more bags of that

if you want, sir.

Cyrus was charged with using

a white rest facility

and faced nine years in prison.

Word spread quickly

around Hartsfield

and the nation at large.

Civil rights activists

throughout the United States


on this tiny Alabama town

almost immediately.

My brothers and sisters,

we are gathered here

today to discuss

matters of the cocka-dookie

and the stinky-stinky.


-Yes, sir!

I have a question

to pose to the government.


Why can't my turd

float next to yours?


Our voices will be heard!

It was the first and largest

demonstration of its kind--

the nation's first shit-in.

No, my brothers and sisters.

Do not run!

Turn your butt cheeks

toward the aggressors,

and let them clean

your butt cheeks

with the cascading water.

This is a good thing,

my brothers and sisters.

The shit-in made

national news,

and the American legal society

picked up the case

and took it all the way

to the supreme court.

[protesters chanting]

In the case of Holloway

versus the state of Alabama,

the supreme court rules

in favor of Mr. Holloway.



[gavel pounds]

It is my opinion that,

no matter

what the color of your skin,

your feces will be Brown.

Except for

the clay-colored ones

and, of course,

the spinach Green.

And, no matter what

the hue of your poo,

it will undoubtedly stink.

Good day.


[Holloway] By the time they read

that verdict,

mud butt...

mud butt was calling.

I suppose

I was happy about winning.

I think what I was

most happy about

was that I could get up

from that courtroom

and use the toilet.

How you doing,

Ms. Pippen?



I just remember

going in that bathroom

and taking the first...


free dump that I'd ever

taken in my life.

A beautiful dump.


As a matter of fact,

the choir from my church came.

♪ Well, I'm gonna

Lay down my burden ♪

♪ Down by the riverside

Down by the riverside ♪

♪ Down by the riverside ♪

♪ I'm gonna

Lay down my burden ♪

♪ Down by the riverside ♪

♪ Ain't gonna study war no more♪


It is all just a matter

of the stinky-stinky

and the cocka-dookie.

I'm Philip Halston.

Good night.

♪ Well, I ain't

Gonna study war no more ♪

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's show

after these messages.




[phone ringing]


and good evening.

It's me.


It's me.


It's me,

Little Jon.


I'm feeling lonely.

I feel like I just need

to talk to someone

who will understand,

and, well,

that someone is you, Jon.


Don't you like Popsicles?


-I said,

-don't you like Popsicles?


I said, don't you like






Sometimes I feel like

I am all alone in this world,

-and I have no one to go to!


I said, sometimes I feel

like I'm all alone

in this world,

and I have no one, sir!


No one!


-To go to.


No one

that understands my pain!



Sometimes when I'm alone,

I sit on my hand

and wait till it gets numb

and masturbate.

I call that "A stranger."

Have you ever given

yourself a stranger?


-A stranger?

Yeah, yeah, I do.



-[Phone ringing]

-Hold on.

They calling me.

Lil Jon?

It's Oprah.

How are you?


Listen, I'm pregnant.


Are you sure it's mine?

I'm sure.

It's yours.

Ahh, skeet, skeet,

skeet, skeet!

I love you.

Okay, bye-bye!

It was Oprah.


She's having our baby.


I can't hear you.

My cell phone's breaking up.

I can't hear you.

Sounds like your phone

is breaking up.
















Affirmative. Huh?

Roger! Yeah!


Melting down! Ahh!

Bye, nigga!

[female announcer]

You've just watched

"A moment in the life

of Lil Jon."

Hey, gang, we're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

Man, I'm bored.

I got to go to

the Chappelle show.

Hey everybody.

Welcome back.

Welcome back to the show.

You know, I've talked about

a lot of things on the show.

I've made fun of so many

different people.

And people say, Dave,

you talk about everybody

except the President.

Why didn't you do that?

Well, 'cause

he's the President.

Now, I know my limits,

ladies and gentlemen,

and I wouldn't

want to cross them,

but I will say this.

If our President were Black,

we would not be

at war right now.

Not because a black person

wouldn't have done

something like that.

It's because America

wouldn't let a black person

do something like that

without asking them

a million questions.

You know,

they always do polls,

like, "Minorities just don't

seem to trust the government.

Because you don't understand

what it looks like for US

So let me help

paint the picture.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring

to you now, "Black Bush."

[female narrator]

President Bush continues

to make his case

for an invasion of Iraq.

After carefully

examining the region,

me and my cabinet agree

that that area

is definitely ripe

for regime change.


But if I can be

real about it--

-Be real, son.


Be real real, son.

Tried to kill

my father, man.

[all] Word.

I don't play that shit.

Say word, he tried

to kill your father, son.

That nigga tried

to kill my father!

Word to everything we love,

we coming to see y'all, son.

[female announcer]

Meanwhile, President Bush

and British Prime Minister

Tony Blair

offered a spirited explanation

for a possible war with Iraq.

This nigga very possibly

has weapons of mass destruction.

I can't sleep on that.

Not on my watch!

That's not how I roll.

That shit is serious!

Now, if you don't want

to take my word for it,

why don't you ask

Tony Blair?

He got a whole 'nother

set of intelligence.

What's up, Tony?

We don't know much

about Saddam,

but we can't trust

random niggas

with things like that,

as George so eloquently put it.

I'm with him

100% of the way.

We don't know what he has.

[male narrator]

If the United States goes

to war with Iraq,

will it first have

to provide evidence

that Saddam Hussein

has weapons of mass destruction?

So far, the UN

has found nothing,

but President Bush

counters with this:

The nigga bought

aluminum tubes!

Do I need to tell you

what the fuck you can do

with an aluminum tube?


That don't scare you?


I didn't want say this.

The motherfucker bought some

yellow cake, okay, in Africa.

He went to Africa,

and he bought yellow cake.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

I got the Head of C. I. A.

right here, he'll tell you!

What up?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

I can't believe

you mother fuckers.

This is ridiculous.


Me and Jeb just

coming back from Africa.

Cradle of fucking


-And this nigga out here

buying yellow cake.

From the motherland.

Are you sure

it was yellow cake?

Y'all niggas

don't believe me,

I got some yellow cake

right here!

Look, you see?

You believe this shit now?

Don't drop that shit!

I know.

I know what to do with it!

That's why I got it wrapped up

in this special C. I. A. napkin.

Just don't

drop that shit here.

You better hope

I don't drop this shit!

Pray to God

you don't drop that shit.

Yellow cake.

Fucking right.

[Male announcer]

A sensitive accusation

for this administration

is the theory held by many

that the real reason

the US Is so interested

in toppling Saddam

is control of the oil

that Iraq is sitting on.

What about people who say

you're only interested

in the middle east for oil?


Huh? Oil?

Who said something

about oil, bitch?

Are you cooking?


Man, I don't know what--

Come on y'all.

Get out of here!


President Bush met

with UN Secretary-General

Kofi Annan

and made it clear

the US will act

even if the UN is reluctant.

UN, you have

a problem with that,

you know what you should do?

You should sanction me.

Sanction me with your army.

Oh, wait a minute!

You don't have an army!

I guess that means

you need to shut the fuck up!

That's what I'd do

if I didn't have no army.

I would shh!

The fuck up.

Shut the fuck up!

That's right, Kofi Annan.

Think I'm gonna

take orders from an African?

You might speak 16 languages,

but you gonna need them

when you in times square

selling fake hats.

I know Gucci

when I see it, nigga.

I'm rich.

I got a coalition

of the willing.

I got 40 nations

ready to roll, son!

Like who?

Who the fuck said that?


Like who?


Japan's sending Play Stations.

Stankonia said they're willing

to drop bombs over Baghdad.

Rickety row is coming!

Afrika Bambaataa

and the Zulu nation.

That means I am not

doing this by myself,

and I am not

disrespecting the UN,

even though

they don't got no army.

Go sell some medicine, bitches!

I'm trying to get that oil--



[female announcer]

The US fired the opening salvo

in the war on Iraq

with at least 40 tomahawk

cruise missiles

and precision guided bombs,

centering on Baghdad.

["Hail to the chief" playing]

[male announcer]

Good evening.

Tonight, President George Bush

is on board

the aircraft carrier

USS Abraham Lincoln

off the California coast.

It will be the site

of what is essentially

his victory speech

in the war against Iraq.

[clears throat]

What did I say?

I'm not gloating,

but what did I say?

Did I not say

that we would win that shit?

We rocked them 'bamas!

We rocked them!

[whispering] Nigga, you see me

come in on that plane?




For the second straight day,

these hard-line Iraqis

protested the American

presence here.

Mr. President,

when do you think

they'll hold

general elections in Iraq?

Damn, I knew I shouldn't

have called on this nigga!

I should not have called on you

'cause you're always

trying to distract


with things like the war

and skirt all the real issues.

Gay people are

getting married, folks.



Imagine that.

Two women touching

on each other's tittie balls,

wrestling them,

gently stroking

those nipples

till they get

just so stiff and erect!

Blowing on them.


Men. Barbecue.

"I like you."

"I like you too, dog."

"Let's get married, man."

It's crazy!

-What about your--

-That shit is gross!

Mr. President.

Mr. President, sir.

How do you explain

the continual upheaval in Iraq

even after the capture

of Saddam Hussein?

Why are you doing this, man?

I thought you was

my black brother.

Why you asking me

questions like that?

Fine, I'll answer

your stupid-ass question.

Here's what I feel

about Iraq.

I feel like you guys keep trying

to distract people with Iraq

when I'm focusing

on other things,

namely the moon.

Yes, I said it,

the moon.

Can't be distracted.

"What's going on

with the war?

What's wrong

with the economy?"

Stop worrying about that!

I got that shit under control!

Let's focus

on space, nigga.

The United States of Space.

'Cause I ain't

stopping at the moon.

Write this down:


Mars, bitches.

That's where we are going.


Red rocks!

Yeah, yeah!

I'd like to thank

each and every one of you

for being here

and everyone at home

for supporting the show.

It's been an amazing season.

We love you.

We thank you for it.

We shook up the world!

I'm out!

I'm rich, bitch!

-[horn blowing]

-Hi, thank you.

Who do you know in Iraq?

Go ahead, say what

you was gonna say.

-The war is over!

The war is over!

[rolls tongue]

You know who this is?

Antwone Fisher.

He's still here.

He's still standing.

He's still strong!

Just like America!

Antwone, take a bow!

Some brave teachers.

Big up to you, teachers.

There's a milkman in the house.

What's popping?

Rock steady crew's in the house.

Crazy legs.

What's up, my nigga?