Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 12 - Wayne Brady & Tyrone Biggums's Fear Factor - full transcript
Wayne Brady replaces Dave on his own show and takes him for a menacing ride. Tyrone Biggums returns as a guest on Fear Factor.
♪ Chappelle's show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
[applause]
[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen...
Dave Chappelle!
[cheers]
Man, thank you, guys.
Thanks, man.
[hooting]
What's up, everybody?
Yo, what's up, man?
Thank you, guys.
Man, shoot.
Thank you, man.
Thanks-- oh.
Oh, man, y'all got me, like--
you got me touched tonight.
I would actually cry,
but the reefer
has dried my eyes out.
You know, I wish my
grandmother could see me.
My grandmother gave me
the best advice of my life.
She said, "You know, Dave,
everybody wants to be
the first person
to do something.
Well, let me
tell you something.
Don't ever be
the first black person
to do anything."
[chuckles]
Because anytime you hear
about the first black dude
that did something,
it's a terrible story,
no matter how benign.
Imagine, like,
who was the first black person
to take a shit
on a white toilet?
Well, we did some research,
and I think you'll be surprised
at what we found.
Good evening,
I'm Philip Halston.
In 1954, the United States
was marred with unrest.
With the bus boycotts
in Montgomery
and "Brown versus
the board of education"
still under deliberation,
the social climate
was changing rapidly.
It was in this context
that one man,
Cyrus Holloway,
made history
when he took on the rural town
of Hartsfield, Alabama.
I remember it was a hot day,
and I was working the double
shift at the steel mill.
Between shifts,
I went outside
and bought myself
a roast beef sandwich
from a boy that used to
sell them out front,
but little did I know that
that roast beef sandwich
would change my life forever.
Not Long after lunch, I felt
a bubbling in my stomach--
an evil bubbling.
A bubble that, to me,
signified nothing else
but the early stages
of mud butt.
I had to take a dump.
I had to take a dump
immediately.
The closest colored bathroom
was located
in the basement
of the steel mill,
near the boiler room.
Oh, that toilet
was disgusting.
Wasn't fit for
Christian butt cheeks.
My only options
at that time were,
I could either
go doo-doo in my trousers,
which I couldn't do--
that was my only good pair
at the time--
or I could use
the White restroom.
It was risky,
but so was mud butt.
Mr. Holloway proceeded
to go to the white restroom
and take what would be known
as one of the most
significant dumps
in American history.
After the historic
dump began,
one of Holloway's co-workers,
Austin Stringer,
entered the restroom.
He immediately called
the local police,
who were being followed
by a television crew.
[farts]
There he is, officer!
Come out of there,
Holloway.
With all due respect...
[farting]
I got the mud butt.
While I was on the toilet,
they sicced dogs on me.
[dog barking]
sprayed me with water.
Good lord, it's mud butt!
Finally, I just let them
haul me off to jail.
Book him.
Desecration of a white facility
with negroid feces.
Here's your evidence.
I can make about three,
four more bags of that
if you want, sir.
Cyrus was charged with using
a white rest facility
and faced nine years in prison.
Word spread quickly
around Hartsfield
and the nation at large.
Civil rights activists
throughout the United States
descended
on this tiny Alabama town
almost immediately.
My brothers and sisters,
we are gathered here
today to discuss
matters of the cocka-dookie
and the stinky-stinky.
-Yes!
-Yes, sir!
I have a question
to pose to the government.
[farting]
Why can't my turd
float next to yours?
[cheering]
Our voices will be heard!
It was the first and largest
demonstration of its kind--
the nation's first shit-in.
No, my brothers and sisters.
Do not run!
Turn your butt cheeks
toward the aggressors,
and let them clean
your butt cheeks
with the cascading water.
This is a good thing,
my brothers and sisters.
The shit-in made
national news,
and the American legal society
picked up the case
and took it all the way
to the supreme court.
[protesters chanting]
In the case of Holloway
versus the state of Alabama,
the supreme court rules
in favor of Mr. Holloway.
[cheers]
[applause]
[gavel pounds]
It is my opinion that,
no matter
what the color of your skin,
your feces will be Brown.
Except for
the clay-colored ones
and, of course,
the spinach Green.
And, no matter what
the hue of your poo,
it will undoubtedly stink.
Good day.
[applause]
[Holloway] By the time they read
that verdict,
mud butt...
mud butt was calling.
I suppose
I was happy about winning.
I think what I was
most happy about
was that I could get up
from that courtroom
and use the toilet.
How you doing,
Ms. Pippen?
[farts]
Ahh!
I just remember
going in that bathroom
and taking the first...
[farting]
free dump that I'd ever
taken in my life.
A beautiful dump.
[farting]
As a matter of fact,
the choir from my church came.
♪ Well, I'm gonna
Lay down my burden ♪
♪ Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ I'm gonna
Lay down my burden ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ Ain't gonna study war no more♪
[farts]
It is all just a matter
of the stinky-stinky
and the cocka-dookie.
I'm Philip Halston.
Good night.
♪ Well, I ain't
Gonna study war no more ♪
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's show
after these messages.
[cheers]
[applause]
Whoo!
[phone ringing]
Hello,
and good evening.
It's me.
What?
It's me.
What?
It's me,
Little Jon.
Okay!
I'm feeling lonely.
I feel like I just need
to talk to someone
who will understand,
and, well,
that someone is you, Jon.
Okay!
Don't you like Popsicles?
-What?
-I said,
-don't you like Popsicles?
-What?
I said, don't you like
Popsicles?
Yeah!
-What?
-Yeah!
Okay!
Sometimes I feel like
I am all alone in this world,
-and I have no one to go to!
-What?
I said, sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone
in this world,
and I have no one, sir!
What?
No one!
What?
-To go to.
-Huh?
No one
that understands my pain!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Sometimes when I'm alone,
I sit on my hand
and wait till it gets numb
and masturbate.
I call that "A stranger."
Have you ever given
yourself a stranger?
-What?
-A stranger?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Okay!
Yeah!
-[Phone ringing]
-Hold on.
They calling me.
Lil Jon?
It's Oprah.
How are you?
Good.
Listen, I'm pregnant.
[laughs]
Are you sure it's mine?
I'm sure.
It's yours.
Ahh, skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet!
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye!
It was Oprah.
[laughs]
She's having our baby.
Yeah!
I can't hear you.
My cell phone's breaking up.
I can't hear you.
Sounds like your phone
is breaking up.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
-Okay!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
-Yeah.
-What?
-What?
-Okay!
-Okay.
-Yeah!
Affirmative. Huh?
Roger! Yeah!
What?
Melting down! Ahh!
Bye, nigga!
[female announcer]
You've just watched
"A moment in the life
of Lil Jon."
Hey, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
Man, I'm bored.
I got to go to
the Chappelle show.
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to the show.
You know, I've talked about
a lot of things on the show.
I've made fun of so many
different people.
And people say, Dave,
you talk about everybody
except the President.
Why didn't you do that?
Well, 'cause
he's the President.
Now, I know my limits,
ladies and gentlemen,
and I wouldn't
want to cross them,
but I will say this.
If our President were Black,
we would not be
at war right now.
Not because a black person
wouldn't have done
something like that.
It's because America
wouldn't let a black person
do something like that
without asking them
a million questions.
You know,
they always do polls,
like, "Minorities just don't
seem to trust the government.
Because you don't understand
what it looks like for US
So let me help
paint the picture.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring
to you now, "Black Bush."
[female narrator]
President Bush continues
to make his case
for an invasion of Iraq.
After carefully
examining the region,
me and my cabinet agree
that that area
is definitely ripe
for regime change.
A'ight?
But if I can be
real about it--
-Be real, son.
-Real?
Be real real, son.
Tried to kill
my father, man.
[all] Word.
I don't play that shit.
Say word, he tried
to kill your father, son.
That nigga tried
to kill my father!
Word to everything we love,
we coming to see y'all, son.
[female announcer]
Meanwhile, President Bush
and British Prime Minister
Tony Blair
offered a spirited explanation
for a possible war with Iraq.
This nigga very possibly
has weapons of mass destruction.
I can't sleep on that.
Not on my watch!
That's not how I roll.
That shit is serious!
Now, if you don't want
to take my word for it,
why don't you ask
Tony Blair?
He got a whole 'nother
set of intelligence.
What's up, Tony?
We don't know much
about Saddam,
but we can't trust
random niggas
with things like that,
as George so eloquently put it.
I'm with him
100% of the way.
We don't know what he has.
[male narrator]
If the United States goes
to war with Iraq,
will it first have
to provide evidence
that Saddam Hussein
has weapons of mass destruction?
So far, the UN
has found nothing,
but President Bush
counters with this:
The nigga bought
aluminum tubes!
Do I need to tell you
what the fuck you can do
with an aluminum tube?
Aluminum!
That don't scare you?
Fine.
I didn't want say this.
The motherfucker bought some
yellow cake, okay, in Africa.
He went to Africa,
and he bought yellow cake.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!
I got the Head of C. I. A.
right here, he'll tell you!
What up?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
I can't believe
you mother fuckers.
This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous!
Me and Jeb just
coming back from Africa.
Cradle of fucking
civilization.
-And this nigga out here
buying yellow cake.
From the motherland.
Are you sure
it was yellow cake?
Y'all niggas
don't believe me,
I got some yellow cake
right here!
Look, you see?
You believe this shit now?
Don't drop that shit!
I know.
I know what to do with it!
That's why I got it wrapped up
in this special C. I. A. napkin.
Just don't
drop that shit here.
You better hope
I don't drop this shit!
Pray to God
you don't drop that shit.
Yellow cake.
Fucking right.
[Male announcer]
A sensitive accusation
for this administration
is the theory held by many
that the real reason
the US Is so interested
in toppling Saddam
is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on.
What about people who say
you're only interested
in the middle east for oil?
What?
Huh? Oil?
Who said something
about oil, bitch?
Are you cooking?
Oil?
Man, I don't know what--
Come on y'all.
Get out of here!
[announcer]
President Bush met
with UN Secretary-General
Kofi Annan
and made it clear
the US will act
even if the UN is reluctant.
UN, you have
a problem with that,
you know what you should do?
You should sanction me.
Sanction me with your army.
Oh, wait a minute!
You don't have an army!
I guess that means
you need to shut the fuck up!
That's what I'd do
if I didn't have no army.
I would shh!
The fuck up.
Shut the fuck up!
That's right, Kofi Annan.
Think I'm gonna
take orders from an African?
You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need them
when you in times square
selling fake hats.
I know Gucci
when I see it, nigga.
I'm rich.
I got a coalition
of the willing.
I got 40 nations
ready to roll, son!
Like who?
Who the fuck said that?
Huh?
Like who?
England.
Japan's sending Play Stations.
Stankonia said they're willing
to drop bombs over Baghdad.
Rickety row is coming!
Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu nation.
That means I am not
doing this by myself,
and I am not
disrespecting the UN,
even though
they don't got no army.
Go sell some medicine, bitches!
I'm trying to get that oil--
Oh!
[coughs]
[female announcer]
The US fired the opening salvo
in the war on Iraq
with at least 40 tomahawk
cruise missiles
and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad.
["Hail to the chief" playing]
[male announcer]
Good evening.
Tonight, President George Bush
is on board
the aircraft carrier
USS Abraham Lincoln
off the California coast.
It will be the site
of what is essentially
his victory speech
in the war against Iraq.
[clears throat]
What did I say?
I'm not gloating,
but what did I say?
Did I not say
that we would win that shit?
We rocked them 'bamas!
We rocked them!
[whispering] Nigga, you see me
come in on that plane?
Shhhhooo.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-dah!
[announcer]
For the second straight day,
these hard-line Iraqis
protested the American
presence here.
Mr. President,
when do you think
they'll hold
general elections in Iraq?
Damn, I knew I shouldn't
have called on this nigga!
I should not have called on you
'cause you're always
trying to distract
motherfuckers
with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues.
Gay people are
getting married, folks.
Yes.
Nasty!
Imagine that.
Two women touching
on each other's tittie balls,
wrestling them,
gently stroking
those nipples
till they get
just so stiff and erect!
Blowing on them.
[blowing]
Men. Barbecue.
"I like you."
"I like you too, dog."
"Let's get married, man."
It's crazy!
-What about your--
-That shit is gross!
Mr. President.
Mr. President, sir.
How do you explain
the continual upheaval in Iraq
even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein?
Why are you doing this, man?
I thought you was
my black brother.
Why you asking me
questions like that?
Fine, I'll answer
your stupid-ass question.
Here's what I feel
about Iraq.
I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq
when I'm focusing
on other things,
namely the moon.
Yes, I said it,
the moon.
Can't be distracted.
"What's going on
with the war?
What's wrong
with the economy?"
Stop worrying about that!
I got that shit under control!
Let's focus
on space, nigga.
The United States of Space.
'Cause I ain't
stopping at the moon.
Write this down:
M-A-R-S.
Mars, bitches.
That's where we are going.
Mars.
Red rocks!
Yeah, yeah!
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here
and everyone at home
for supporting the show.
It's been an amazing season.
We love you.
We thank you for it.
We shook up the world!
I'm out!
I'm rich, bitch!
-[horn blowing]
-Hi, thank you.
Who do you know in Iraq?
Go ahead, say what
you was gonna say.
-The war is over!
The war is over!
[rolls tongue]
You know who this is?
Antwone Fisher.
He's still here.
He's still standing.
He's still strong!
Just like America!
Antwone, take a bow!
Some brave teachers.
Big up to you, teachers.
There's a milkman in the house.
What's popping?
Rock steady crew's in the house.
Crazy legs.
What's up, my nigga?
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
[applause]
[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen...
Dave Chappelle!
[cheers]
Man, thank you, guys.
Thanks, man.
[hooting]
What's up, everybody?
Yo, what's up, man?
Thank you, guys.
Man, shoot.
Thank you, man.
Thanks-- oh.
Oh, man, y'all got me, like--
you got me touched tonight.
I would actually cry,
but the reefer
has dried my eyes out.
You know, I wish my
grandmother could see me.
My grandmother gave me
the best advice of my life.
She said, "You know, Dave,
everybody wants to be
the first person
to do something.
Well, let me
tell you something.
Don't ever be
the first black person
to do anything."
[chuckles]
Because anytime you hear
about the first black dude
that did something,
it's a terrible story,
no matter how benign.
Imagine, like,
who was the first black person
to take a shit
on a white toilet?
Well, we did some research,
and I think you'll be surprised
at what we found.
Good evening,
I'm Philip Halston.
In 1954, the United States
was marred with unrest.
With the bus boycotts
in Montgomery
and "Brown versus
the board of education"
still under deliberation,
the social climate
was changing rapidly.
It was in this context
that one man,
Cyrus Holloway,
made history
when he took on the rural town
of Hartsfield, Alabama.
I remember it was a hot day,
and I was working the double
shift at the steel mill.
Between shifts,
I went outside
and bought myself
a roast beef sandwich
from a boy that used to
sell them out front,
but little did I know that
that roast beef sandwich
would change my life forever.
Not Long after lunch, I felt
a bubbling in my stomach--
an evil bubbling.
A bubble that, to me,
signified nothing else
but the early stages
of mud butt.
I had to take a dump.
I had to take a dump
immediately.
The closest colored bathroom
was located
in the basement
of the steel mill,
near the boiler room.
Oh, that toilet
was disgusting.
Wasn't fit for
Christian butt cheeks.
My only options
at that time were,
I could either
go doo-doo in my trousers,
which I couldn't do--
that was my only good pair
at the time--
or I could use
the White restroom.
It was risky,
but so was mud butt.
Mr. Holloway proceeded
to go to the white restroom
and take what would be known
as one of the most
significant dumps
in American history.
After the historic
dump began,
one of Holloway's co-workers,
Austin Stringer,
entered the restroom.
He immediately called
the local police,
who were being followed
by a television crew.
[farts]
There he is, officer!
Come out of there,
Holloway.
With all due respect...
[farting]
I got the mud butt.
While I was on the toilet,
they sicced dogs on me.
[dog barking]
sprayed me with water.
Good lord, it's mud butt!
Finally, I just let them
haul me off to jail.
Book him.
Desecration of a white facility
with negroid feces.
Here's your evidence.
I can make about three,
four more bags of that
if you want, sir.
Cyrus was charged with using
a white rest facility
and faced nine years in prison.
Word spread quickly
around Hartsfield
and the nation at large.
Civil rights activists
throughout the United States
descended
on this tiny Alabama town
almost immediately.
My brothers and sisters,
we are gathered here
today to discuss
matters of the cocka-dookie
and the stinky-stinky.
-Yes!
-Yes, sir!
I have a question
to pose to the government.
[farting]
Why can't my turd
float next to yours?
[cheering]
Our voices will be heard!
It was the first and largest
demonstration of its kind--
the nation's first shit-in.
No, my brothers and sisters.
Do not run!
Turn your butt cheeks
toward the aggressors,
and let them clean
your butt cheeks
with the cascading water.
This is a good thing,
my brothers and sisters.
The shit-in made
national news,
and the American legal society
picked up the case
and took it all the way
to the supreme court.
[protesters chanting]
In the case of Holloway
versus the state of Alabama,
the supreme court rules
in favor of Mr. Holloway.
[cheers]
[applause]
[gavel pounds]
It is my opinion that,
no matter
what the color of your skin,
your feces will be Brown.
Except for
the clay-colored ones
and, of course,
the spinach Green.
And, no matter what
the hue of your poo,
it will undoubtedly stink.
Good day.
[applause]
[Holloway] By the time they read
that verdict,
mud butt...
mud butt was calling.
I suppose
I was happy about winning.
I think what I was
most happy about
was that I could get up
from that courtroom
and use the toilet.
How you doing,
Ms. Pippen?
[farts]
Ahh!
I just remember
going in that bathroom
and taking the first...
[farting]
free dump that I'd ever
taken in my life.
A beautiful dump.
[farting]
As a matter of fact,
the choir from my church came.
♪ Well, I'm gonna
Lay down my burden ♪
♪ Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ I'm gonna
Lay down my burden ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ Ain't gonna study war no more♪
[farts]
It is all just a matter
of the stinky-stinky
and the cocka-dookie.
I'm Philip Halston.
Good night.
♪ Well, I ain't
Gonna study war no more ♪
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's show
after these messages.
[cheers]
[applause]
Whoo!
[phone ringing]
Hello,
and good evening.
It's me.
What?
It's me.
What?
It's me,
Little Jon.
Okay!
I'm feeling lonely.
I feel like I just need
to talk to someone
who will understand,
and, well,
that someone is you, Jon.
Okay!
Don't you like Popsicles?
-What?
-I said,
-don't you like Popsicles?
-What?
I said, don't you like
Popsicles?
Yeah!
-What?
-Yeah!
Okay!
Sometimes I feel like
I am all alone in this world,
-and I have no one to go to!
-What?
I said, sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone
in this world,
and I have no one, sir!
What?
No one!
What?
-To go to.
-Huh?
No one
that understands my pain!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Sometimes when I'm alone,
I sit on my hand
and wait till it gets numb
and masturbate.
I call that "A stranger."
Have you ever given
yourself a stranger?
-What?
-A stranger?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Okay!
Yeah!
-[Phone ringing]
-Hold on.
They calling me.
Lil Jon?
It's Oprah.
How are you?
Good.
Listen, I'm pregnant.
[laughs]
Are you sure it's mine?
I'm sure.
It's yours.
Ahh, skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet!
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye!
It was Oprah.
[laughs]
She's having our baby.
Yeah!
I can't hear you.
My cell phone's breaking up.
I can't hear you.
Sounds like your phone
is breaking up.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
-Okay!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
-Yeah.
-What?
-What?
-Okay!
-Okay.
-Yeah!
Affirmative. Huh?
Roger! Yeah!
What?
Melting down! Ahh!
Bye, nigga!
[female announcer]
You've just watched
"A moment in the life
of Lil Jon."
Hey, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
Man, I'm bored.
I got to go to
the Chappelle show.
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to the show.
You know, I've talked about
a lot of things on the show.
I've made fun of so many
different people.
And people say, Dave,
you talk about everybody
except the President.
Why didn't you do that?
Well, 'cause
he's the President.
Now, I know my limits,
ladies and gentlemen,
and I wouldn't
want to cross them,
but I will say this.
If our President were Black,
we would not be
at war right now.
Not because a black person
wouldn't have done
something like that.
It's because America
wouldn't let a black person
do something like that
without asking them
a million questions.
You know,
they always do polls,
like, "Minorities just don't
seem to trust the government.
Because you don't understand
what it looks like for US
So let me help
paint the picture.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring
to you now, "Black Bush."
[female narrator]
President Bush continues
to make his case
for an invasion of Iraq.
After carefully
examining the region,
me and my cabinet agree
that that area
is definitely ripe
for regime change.
A'ight?
But if I can be
real about it--
-Be real, son.
-Real?
Be real real, son.
Tried to kill
my father, man.
[all] Word.
I don't play that shit.
Say word, he tried
to kill your father, son.
That nigga tried
to kill my father!
Word to everything we love,
we coming to see y'all, son.
[female announcer]
Meanwhile, President Bush
and British Prime Minister
Tony Blair
offered a spirited explanation
for a possible war with Iraq.
This nigga very possibly
has weapons of mass destruction.
I can't sleep on that.
Not on my watch!
That's not how I roll.
That shit is serious!
Now, if you don't want
to take my word for it,
why don't you ask
Tony Blair?
He got a whole 'nother
set of intelligence.
What's up, Tony?
We don't know much
about Saddam,
but we can't trust
random niggas
with things like that,
as George so eloquently put it.
I'm with him
100% of the way.
We don't know what he has.
[male narrator]
If the United States goes
to war with Iraq,
will it first have
to provide evidence
that Saddam Hussein
has weapons of mass destruction?
So far, the UN
has found nothing,
but President Bush
counters with this:
The nigga bought
aluminum tubes!
Do I need to tell you
what the fuck you can do
with an aluminum tube?
Aluminum!
That don't scare you?
Fine.
I didn't want say this.
The motherfucker bought some
yellow cake, okay, in Africa.
He went to Africa,
and he bought yellow cake.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!
I got the Head of C. I. A.
right here, he'll tell you!
What up?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
I can't believe
you mother fuckers.
This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous!
Me and Jeb just
coming back from Africa.
Cradle of fucking
civilization.
-And this nigga out here
buying yellow cake.
From the motherland.
Are you sure
it was yellow cake?
Y'all niggas
don't believe me,
I got some yellow cake
right here!
Look, you see?
You believe this shit now?
Don't drop that shit!
I know.
I know what to do with it!
That's why I got it wrapped up
in this special C. I. A. napkin.
Just don't
drop that shit here.
You better hope
I don't drop this shit!
Pray to God
you don't drop that shit.
Yellow cake.
Fucking right.
[Male announcer]
A sensitive accusation
for this administration
is the theory held by many
that the real reason
the US Is so interested
in toppling Saddam
is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on.
What about people who say
you're only interested
in the middle east for oil?
What?
Huh? Oil?
Who said something
about oil, bitch?
Are you cooking?
Oil?
Man, I don't know what--
Come on y'all.
Get out of here!
[announcer]
President Bush met
with UN Secretary-General
Kofi Annan
and made it clear
the US will act
even if the UN is reluctant.
UN, you have
a problem with that,
you know what you should do?
You should sanction me.
Sanction me with your army.
Oh, wait a minute!
You don't have an army!
I guess that means
you need to shut the fuck up!
That's what I'd do
if I didn't have no army.
I would shh!
The fuck up.
Shut the fuck up!
That's right, Kofi Annan.
Think I'm gonna
take orders from an African?
You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need them
when you in times square
selling fake hats.
I know Gucci
when I see it, nigga.
I'm rich.
I got a coalition
of the willing.
I got 40 nations
ready to roll, son!
Like who?
Who the fuck said that?
Huh?
Like who?
England.
Japan's sending Play Stations.
Stankonia said they're willing
to drop bombs over Baghdad.
Rickety row is coming!
Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu nation.
That means I am not
doing this by myself,
and I am not
disrespecting the UN,
even though
they don't got no army.
Go sell some medicine, bitches!
I'm trying to get that oil--
Oh!
[coughs]
[female announcer]
The US fired the opening salvo
in the war on Iraq
with at least 40 tomahawk
cruise missiles
and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad.
["Hail to the chief" playing]
[male announcer]
Good evening.
Tonight, President George Bush
is on board
the aircraft carrier
USS Abraham Lincoln
off the California coast.
It will be the site
of what is essentially
his victory speech
in the war against Iraq.
[clears throat]
What did I say?
I'm not gloating,
but what did I say?
Did I not say
that we would win that shit?
We rocked them 'bamas!
We rocked them!
[whispering] Nigga, you see me
come in on that plane?
Shhhhooo.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-dah!
[announcer]
For the second straight day,
these hard-line Iraqis
protested the American
presence here.
Mr. President,
when do you think
they'll hold
general elections in Iraq?
Damn, I knew I shouldn't
have called on this nigga!
I should not have called on you
'cause you're always
trying to distract
motherfuckers
with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues.
Gay people are
getting married, folks.
Yes.
Nasty!
Imagine that.
Two women touching
on each other's tittie balls,
wrestling them,
gently stroking
those nipples
till they get
just so stiff and erect!
Blowing on them.
[blowing]
Men. Barbecue.
"I like you."
"I like you too, dog."
"Let's get married, man."
It's crazy!
-What about your--
-That shit is gross!
Mr. President.
Mr. President, sir.
How do you explain
the continual upheaval in Iraq
even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein?
Why are you doing this, man?
I thought you was
my black brother.
Why you asking me
questions like that?
Fine, I'll answer
your stupid-ass question.
Here's what I feel
about Iraq.
I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq
when I'm focusing
on other things,
namely the moon.
Yes, I said it,
the moon.
Can't be distracted.
"What's going on
with the war?
What's wrong
with the economy?"
Stop worrying about that!
I got that shit under control!
Let's focus
on space, nigga.
The United States of Space.
'Cause I ain't
stopping at the moon.
Write this down:
M-A-R-S.
Mars, bitches.
That's where we are going.
Mars.
Red rocks!
Yeah, yeah!
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here
and everyone at home
for supporting the show.
It's been an amazing season.
We love you.
We thank you for it.
We shook up the world!
I'm out!
I'm rich, bitch!
-[horn blowing]
-Hi, thank you.
Who do you know in Iraq?
Go ahead, say what
you was gonna say.
-The war is over!
The war is over!
[rolls tongue]
You know who this is?
Antwone Fisher.
He's still here.
He's still standing.
He's still strong!
Just like America!
Antwone, take a bow!
Some brave teachers.
Big up to you, teachers.
There's a milkman in the house.
What's popping?
Rock steady crew's in the house.
Crazy legs.
What's up, my nigga?