Chaos (2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - Molé - full transcript

It's just all she seems to talk about
is this bloody dog, you know?

It's like "Ooh, Colin did this"
and "Ooh, Colin did that",

and I'm sick of it, you know?

I should talk to her, but she's been so happy
ever since Colin arrived on the scene.

She'd been having a hard time.

She'd had some articles rejected,
she'd split up with her boyfriend.

To top it all off,
her hair looked stupid all the time.

Then Colin arrives on the scene
and she's writing again.

She doesn't seem that bothered
about Richard and her hair looks good!

Tim, I know how you feel about dogs
and I know how you feel about Daisy.

Sometimes, where friends are concerned,
sacrifices have to be made.



You're saying we kill the dog?

- No.
- Spoilsport.

- Count to 100?
- All right.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

I used to know this guy Minty.

He had a dog who he'd train
to attack rich people.

He was into the whole class-war thing.

He called the dog Gramsci
after an Italian Marxist.

Rumour has it, it could smell wealth
from up to 20 feet.

(Barking and snarling)

The thing is, it all backfired.
Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard...

and Gramsci bit his knees off.

That's terrible.

Not really. He used the money
to buy new knees.



So what happened to Gramsci, then?

Well, no-one knows,
although some people still believe

he roams wild on Hampstead Heath.

(Whispers) Close to the meat.

Hiya!

(Sighs)

- Is that it?
- Well, it's not what it is.

It's what it will be - a cold-blooded killer.

It's a fact, sure as day follows night,
sure as eggs is eggs,

sure as every odd-numbered
Star Trek movie is shit.

- Ahhh!
- Mwah!

- I'm going shopping. Do you want anything?
- A crossbow?

And also, if Richard calls,

tell him I'm out with Colin.

We'll make him pay, won't we?
We'll make them all pay.

- Who's Richard?
- Ex-boyfriend.

- Your ex-boyfriend?
- No, Daisy's ex-boyfriend.

- My ex-boyfriend.
- Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?

Well, you know, I was upset
but I'm not any more, you know.

In the end, our relationship
was just like a sandwich toaster.

You know, you forget you've got one.

It just sits on top of the cupboard
collecting a layer of greasy fudge.

If you see it, you assume it's broken,
otherwise you'd be using it all the time,

but you don't and it just sits there.

Then one day, you get an overwhelming
desire for toasted sandwiches

and you get it down and it works
and you can't believe it, you know.

You make every kind of sandwich there is,
you have toasted-sandwich parties.

You make Marmite and cheese
and chocolate and...

- Pilchards.
- Banana and...

- Acorns.
- Acorns.

Then as quickly as desire comes, it just goes,

and then you put
the toasted-sandwich maker away

- and... you know what?
- (Both) What?

You don't miss it.

So what you're saying is "Don't hide
the toasted-sandwich maker away,

use him regularly
and you'll get the most out of him."

No, she's saying "Chuck your boyfriend,
have a sandwich."

Anyway, I've got to go cos I'm meeting Twist.

Don't you just love my hair?

(Sighs)

How can you not like him? He's so cute.

Ahh!

That's how it all starts, with "Oohs" and
"Aahs", but later there's barking and biting.

He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy.

You give him all the love in the world,
you spend years doting on his little furry head

and one day you get back from aerobics
and there he is,

panting over the half-eaten remains
of some hapless handyman

you left fixing the tumble dryer.

We don't have a tumble dryer.

You will, my friend, you will.

Look, Tim, I know
that I've been... insensitive, OK,

and I do appreciate that you are riddled
with deep-seated psychological disorders.

Thank you.

But Colin lives here now and I'd like it
if we could all live happily, you know?

- Your mum remarried, didn't she?
- What's that got to do with anything?

Well... you know what it feels like to be...

to be a stepchild,

to be resented by a patriarch.

My stepdad was a nice guy!

(Screaming)

Timmy boy!

All right, I'll give it a try.

Thanks, Tim.

- So, what are you doing tonight?
- Brian's coming up.

To see you?

I went to a gallery with him last week, so
he's coming up to see the Star Wars Trilogy.

It's like a cultural exchange thing.

Do you mind if we sit in?
We could be like independent observers.

No, not at all. I'll get some popcorn.
And a muzzle.

Ooh! Sorry, mate.

You idiot. Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Takes the fun out of it. (Laughs)

I just know this street well. I've never seen
an evil, suspicious-Iooking man here before.

What makes you think I'm evil
and suspicious-Iooking?

All right! I was just being friendly.

'(Ewoks singing)'

It's so moving.

(Sobs)

Little Ewoks.

An entire empire brought to its knees
by small furry creatures.

- That's my point exactly.
- Leave him alone.

Did you notice that everything that transpired
in those films, and I mean everything,

can be attributed to the actions
of one very minor character?

Who?

The gunner on the Star Destroyer
at the beginning of the first film.

How come?

Well, if the gunner had shot the pod
that C-3PO and R2 were in,

they wouldn't have got to Tatooine,
they wouldn't have met Luke,

Luke wouldn't have met Ben,
they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie,

they wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia -
none of it would have happened.

Chaos theory.

- Eh?
- The predictability of random events,

the notion that reality as we know it
- past, present, future -

is in fact a mathematically predictable
preordained system.

So somewhere out there
in the vastness of the unknown

is an equation...

for predicting the future?

An equation so complex as to utterly defy
any possibility of comprehension

by even the most brilliant human mind,

but an equation nonetheless.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

What?

I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes
in my coat pocket.

(AIl) Oh, Mama!

Oh, Daddy, let's all play kabaddi.

- You get 'em, Daise.
- I made the tea.

I opened the window.
Brian, it's your turn to do something.

- Colin needs to go out for a walk.
- I opened the window.

Yeah, I made the tea
and Brian's getting the Jaffa Cakes.

Shit!

It'll give you a chance
to get to know each other.

All right, all right,
I'll do it, if it'll make you happy.

Come on, then, Cujo,
or whatever your bloody name is.

Stay away from me, mind. Go on.

What's the matter with you?
Just do your thing.

Just do it. Do it. Just go, will you?

Oh, right. Well, hurry up.

(Yelps)

Come on, you bastards.
I know you're up there.

Come and get me.
Take me to your homeworld.

Come on, abduct me!

Shit! Colin's been abducted!

- What do you mean, he's been abducted?
- Yeah, by a crocodile or something.

- A crocodile?!
- Or something.

- You let him go, didn't you?
- Wha...?!

- Daisy, I'm sure Tim...
- No, Brian!

He's had it in for him from the start.

Now, Daisy, I admit I wasn't keen
on the idea of getting a dog,

but I would never stoop so low
as to do something like that.

- I think you know me well enough.
- Do I?

Daisy!

I obviously don't know you
as well as I thought!

Ow.

Do you want a Jaffa Cake?

No.

I can't believe she'd think that.

She's upset and not thinking straight.

People say things they don't mean
in those situations,

she's just lashing out
at someone close to her.

Thanks, mate.

It's all right.

So what did you do with it, then?

Colin!

Colin!

- Colin!
- Colin!

(Inaudible)

Colin! Colin!

Colin! Colin! Colin!

Col... Oh, I'm sorry,

I thought you were someone else.

Colin!

- Colin!
- Colin!

- Colin!
- Colin!

Come on, you little... Colin.

- Any luck?
- No.

This came.

"To whom it may concern, I'm writing to
inform you of the whereabouts of your dog."

"Colin has been taken by a man named
James Eldridge, a freelance vivisectionist."

"I cannot return your dog personally, but
the lab site is located 11-13 Kettle Road, N1."

"Colin is being kept in Terrapin 5."

"The lab has a skeleton security staff of one."

"I hope this information is of use to you.
Yours in search of justice...

...a friend."

This came with it.

Call Twist, get Brian, I'll get Mike.

- What are you gonna do?
- We're gonna get our dog back.

(Military drumming)

(Pointer cracks)

I'd like to thank you all for coming.
Daisy and me, we...

We really appreciate it.
We all know this is gonna be tough.

- Do you want a Bourbon?
- Ooh, thanks very much.

One of our number is in trouble
and we have to help.

Thanks to the information obtained by Mike,

- Hello.
...we've got a rough idea of the lab's layout.

The main gate is here, the guard hut is here,

and Terrapin 5, where we believe
Colin is being held, is here.

We'll go over the fence here. It's two metres
high, so we'll have to do some climbing.

- It's impossible.
- It's not impossible.

I used to climb over my neighbour's fence
when I was a kid. It was about two metres.

- Mike and Brian will handle the guard.
- Why Mike and Brian?

Because you're tallest
and Mike's good at handling people.

Brian's not bad at handling people,
are you, Brian?

Once inside, Daisy, Twist and myself
will locate Terrapin 5.

When we find it, Daisy and Twist
will stand guard and I'll go in for Colin.

- Why are you going in?
- Because I'm the one that lost him.

I want you all wearing black tonight.

- All black?
- All black.

I don't know much about security lighting,

but I'm guessing they'll use 180-degree
dispersing halogens with motion sensors,

so we'll have to stick to the shadows.
Any questions?

- Are charcoal-grey pumps OK?
- Yes, they'll be fine.

If we get separated, we'll meet
at the Beech Tree Inn on Stone Street.

Brian, put your hand down.
Mike, I'll see you here at 2200 hours,

everybody else, I'll see you here at ten.

(Makes whirring sound)

- That's very...
- (Mimics air being released)

- That's very good, Mike.
- Ta.

Well done, Daisy.

- You've done really well, Twist.
- It's from the DKNY open-warfare range.

- Well, great. Well done. What's this?
- It's my make-up bag.

We're rescuing a dog from an animal-testing
laboratory - there'll be lots of make-up there.

- Oh, it's for luck.
- Twist...

Tim!

Let her take it.

OK.

When we get there, it's important while
we're doing this we don't use our real names.

From now on,
we'll be using code names, OK?

Mike, you're Luke.

Brian, you're Chewie.

Daisy, you're Leia.

Twist... you're... Jabba.

- I'm Han.
- Can't I be Han?

No!

- Sound off. Luke?
- Ho.

- Chewie?
- Erm, me.

- Leia?
- Yes, Tim... Han.

- Jabba?
- Is Jabba the princess?

- (AIl) Yeah.
- Here!

OK. (Breathes deeply) Let's go get Colin.

Brian?

Come back in one piece.

Yep.

You know what piece I mean.

OK, this is it, people. None of us
have ever done anything like this before,

apart from Mike who, as we all know,
once stole a tank and tried to invade Paris.

- Hello.
- We're through the looking glass here, OK?

We've been given a responsibility
and if we don't do this, nobody else will.

Good luck, and I'll see you at the Beech.

Go! Go! Go!

- Oo-ooh!
- What are you doing?

The gate's open.

Erm, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Let's play.

OK, this is it. Stand guard.
If it gets pear-shaped, just go.

Han!

- Good luck.
- You too, Princess.

Thanks!

(Gulps)

You must get terrible headaches
looking at the screens all day long.

Oh, it's all right, really.

I find if I keep
a little bottle of eye drops handy,

it's not too bad, really.

You should get one of those eye masks with
the cooling gel in. I find them very soothing.

Oh, that sounds nice, yeah.

Colin? Colin!

Colin!

What if they set the dogs on us?

Don't worry, Twist. We trap 'em.
Ahh-ah, ahh-ah, ahh-ah!

- Shh!
- Sorry.

(Laughter)

Colin? Colin!

I'm risking a lot being here, you know.

You're only doing it cos you fancy Chewie.

- Brian?!
- Yeah.

- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-uh!
- Nn!

- Uh-uh!
- Eh-eh-eh!

(Yelping)

(Meowing)

(Yelp)

Colin!

Ahh!

You stay back, OK, I'm coming in.

Italian make, 9mm parabellum,
13 in the clip, one in the spout.

Kill zone. Feel that.

That, my friend, will mash up through
the engine block of a Fiat Uno, no problem.

- How's it feel?
- It's so cold.

You're always wiggling your arse
when he's around.

- I do not!
- You do, I've seen you.

Yes, well, what about you and "Han"?

Tim?!

What about me and Tim?

- Run!
- Colin!

(Alarm)

Come on!

Er, 14 across, three letters -
"To walk at speed, manage or oversee."

(Alarm)

- Run!
- Bye.

No, wait!

- We're stuck!
- Do something with it.

No, you're all right, Officer. Must have been
a fox or something set off the motion sensors.

No, everything's fine. You stay where you are.

There you go.
There's, erm, a bit of a knack to it.

It was you who sent the letter, wasn't it?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Well, Eldridge left one of the Portakabins
open last week.

I couldn't believe it,
all those little animals in cages.

I'd never have taken the job
if I knew what he was up to, but...

I knew he'd clean away any evidence
if I went through the official channels,

and when Colin arrived, I saw my chance.

See, I... I've always been a bit of a yes man,
you see.

(AIl) Have you?

Yeah. So I thought it was time
I just stood up and said no.

Aren't you worried about getting in trouble
with the police, being involved in a break-in?

It won't look very good
on your permanent record, will it?

There's not much I can do about that,
is there?

Wait a minute, everyone. I've got an idea.

What?

Voil?!

Blimey.

There you go - it wasn't your fault,
we beat you up.

(Raucous laughter)

Hey, I suppose I'd better call the police,
then, eh?

(Laughter)

- You lot had better get off.
- Right.

Colin says thanks. "Thanks!"

- "Bye!"
- Bye.

Daisy, look at this.

"Scientist James Eldridge, wanted by police
for his involvement in an illegal laboratory,

is missing today."

"Eldridge, whose nefarious dealings
may have earnt him in excess of ?250,000,

was last seen on Tuesday
near Hampstead Heath."

(Tim's voice echoes) Hampstead Heath,
Hampstead Heath.

Close to the meat, Hampstead Heath.

He roams wild on Hampstead Heath,
Hampstead Heath.

(Snarling)

- Hello?
- (Snarling)

- Is anyone there?
- (Snarling)

I can assure you,
this isn't the least bit amusing.

- (Snarling)
- (Screams)

(? Coldcut: More Beats and Pieces)

(Scratching effects)

? Honey, I got rhythm

(Laughter)

Historical Ref: 'Antonio Gramsci' (1891-1937)

Film Ref: '2001: A Space Odyssey' (1968)

Film Ref: 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' (1979 )
Film Ref: 'Star Trek III: The Search For Spock' (1984 )
Film Ref: 'Star Trek V: The Final Frontier' (1989 )

Film Ref: 'Star Trek: Generations' (1994 )
Film Ref: 'Star Trek: Insurrection' (1998)

Product Ref: 'Breville Snack 'n' Sandwich Toaster' (197 4 )

Film Ref: 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2' (1997)

Film Ref: 'The Shining' (1980 )

Film Ref: 'Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi' (1983)

Film Ref: 'Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope' (1977)

Maths Ref: 'Chaos Theory'

The Study of complex non-linear dynamic systems.

Non-linear implying recursion and highly mathematical algorithms

and dynamics implying non-constant and non-periodic.

Thus Chaos Theory is the study of forever changing complex systems

based on mathematical recursion

whether in the form of recursive process or differential equations,

modeling on a physical system.

Product Ref: 'Jaffa Cakes' McVities And Price (1927)

Sports Ref: 'Kabaddi' (Given Status As National Game Of Bangladesh In 1972)

Film Ref: 'Cujo' (1983)

TV Ref: 'The X Files: Season 3 - Episode 22': 'Quagmire' (1996)

Film Ref: 'Don't Look Now' (1973)

Film Ref: 'Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope' (1977)

Film Music Ref: 'Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back' (1980 )

Film Ref: 'Star Wars Episode IV-VI' (1977-83)

Film Ref: 'Saving Private Ryan' (1998)

Film Ref: 'Saving Private Ryan' (1998)

Film Ref: 'Desperado' (1995)

Film Ref: 'An American Werewolf In London' (1981)