Central Russia's Vampires (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Novogodnyaya seriya - full transcript
How come you're driving like a maniac?
Everybody is hurrying somewhere.
You'll be in time!
But if you won't,
so you didn't really need it.
Don't be a drag, pops.
I've been driving for 30 years!
Mister, are you all right?
I am.
Call an ambulance for the kid.
He's alive!
Holy crap!
Come on. Call!
Are you guys calling the police?
- Of course we are.
- Why? Nuh, don't!
- His face covered in blood.
- What are you talking about?
It's just a ketchup!
Wait, pops.
Is it a prank or something?
Yeah! Exactly!
- That's so cool, pops!
- Yeah, that's right.
Super!
- Hello!
- Hi!
SMOLENSK COLLEGE OF MOTOR TRANSPORT
DORMITORY NO. 1
Oh, vampire's here.
Don't fret. I don't bite nerds.
What the hell?!
This is blood.
I'm telling you, this is blood.
Hey you, prick!
Did you kill someone?
His blog has made him crazy.
And he really killed someone.
- Zhenyok!
- What?
Are you stoned?
I think I had an accident.
- What?
- I got hit by a minibus.
You seem to be safe and sound.
What's with all the blood?
Blood...
That old man.
He went through the windshield.
Is he alive?
Yeah. He is.
He ruined my hoodie.
Okay then.
Join us for another round!
No, I have plans for tonight.
Anyway, this diploma is for my mother.
I don't need it at all.
Like I have a profession,
so I can make money and so on.
I want to be a blogger.
I already have 3K subscribers.
I was thinking of going
to medical school.
And then I had a chance to go to a clinic
and I was like... uh, no, thanks.
Wait.
Can you feel it?
Squirrel.
Smells like squirrel!
Oh, there it is!
- Really!
- Squirrel!
How did you even smell it
at this distance?
I don't know.
How do you know
what squirrels smell like?
What about me?
Do I smell good?
Yeah, you have a great perfume.
No shit, I know, right.
Ah, I mean, well...
It's an orange and...
Like a tree.
- Sandalwood!
- Man, can you really feel it?
- What do my hands smell like?
- Coconut lotion. Wait, you...
Have you had marshmallows today?
- Yeah.
- Wait!
I also feel...
- Shit?
- What?!
- Dog!
- Dog?!
Dog shit!
Why are you laughing, you stoners?!
Nothing. You know...
Poop well!
Should I let the dog loose on you?
Jackie, sic'em!
- Hold on!
- Run!
- You're so fun!
- You're too!
I'm having a great time with you.
Wow! You've got bold.
Would you dare to kiss me?
Why not?
You bit me, idiot!
I was told you were weirdo!
- Masha, wait!
- Screw you!
Don't worry.
You're not weirdo.
Well, maybe just a little.
Who are you?
It's more important who you are.
What? I'm a human.
Not anymore.
Okay, then.
Take care, gramps. Bye!
You better tell me, what you liked best.
Kissing or the taste of blood?
START ORIGINAL SERIES
YURIY STOYANOV
GLEB KALYUZHNY
EKATERINA KUZNETSOVA
ARTEM TKACHENKO
OLGA MEDYNICH
ZOYA MANSUROVA
MAXIM GALKIN
THE VAMPIRES OF MIDLAND
NEW BLOOD
Annushka, is that you?
Come in, child. Sit down.
Well?
Tell me.
How was your day at work?
It was, thanks God.
- Delicious!
- I know, right?
That's the story in a nutshell.
Yesterday a delegation of Buddhist monks
showed up in our city.
One of them got sick. He got an appointment
with Jean by a stroke of luck.
That's what it means when people
don't drink or smoke, and have pious mind.
But why did he get sick then?
Good evening everyone!
What a nasty December this year.
Hi, Grandpa.
What we're celebrating?
We're tasting your monk.
- There are four glasses.
- Yep.
So you're waiting for Olga?
Did you invite her? I didn't either.
Why would she come,
if we didn't invite her?
So Grandpa invited her?
That's why I'm wondering.
Since the glasses are celebratory,
what we're celebrating?
Actually, I'm a detective in our family.
You got me, little bastards.
My children.
Life goes on.
Things change.
But we have all exactly the same.
The same faces all the time.
Dear faces, of course.
But always the same.
And it just came to my mind.
Should we think about addition?
No.
We'll have to train a newbie, raise him.
I don't want to. I want to live for myself.
Grandpa, the fourth glass is not
for Olga, right?
Please meet the new member of our family.
Evgeniy.
- He's a little... I don't know.
- Too young?
Guys like him are brought to me
after the New Year.
And to me.
You don't smoke?
Good or you!
Slight scoliosis.
- You're a programmer?
- Blogger.
Student at the College of Motor Vehicles.
Grandpa, no disrespect,
why do we need a blogger from party school?
College.
We need him, because...
Because what?
- Because he's the chosen one!
- The chosen one?
Excuse me, for what?
We'll see!
Stop examining him like a horse for sale!
Come on, son, let's celebrate our meeting!
This is your first time.
- Just imagine it's juice.
- Human juice.
Bite your tongue, Jean.
Just close your eyes and take a sip.
Come on.
And again.
Fangs?!
Fangs!
Fangs! Real ones!
Why am I reflected in the mirror?
And blood.
You killed someone, didn't you?
How much blood can we drink at a time?
And why do we live in a daytime?
- Why don't we burn in the sun?
- No, I'm out.
Remember the most important thing.
- You don't kill anyone.
- What? Where will I get blood?
Here. You open the fridge and take it.
Our doctor brings it from work.
But... I've seen it in movies!
Vampires hunt...
What movies have you seen?
Documentaries?
- Listen to me carefully.
- Okay.
We don't sleep upside down.
We reflect in the mirror.
And most importantly: we don't kill anyone.
Don't kill anyone!
Understand?
So...
is this your house, then?
- Did you expect a Gothic castle?
No, but...
Do you actually live here?
I thought you rented this barn to cover.
It's not a barn, it's a nice apartment.
Fashionable, I'd say.
Better tell me, are you a prince
so you're studying at your party school?
Wanker!
You'll get used to this place!
I'm used to my dorm.
So, thanks, I...
Remember, Zhenya.
You're a vampire now.
And this is your home, Zhenya.
Okay, I get it.
- Do you even have a bathroom?
- Of course.
Turn left, then right down the hallway
and take left again.
Okay, thanks.
Don't ask me anything.
All things will come in due time.
Is that the front door?
- Is there anyone here?
- I think there's already no one.
He's gone!
What a loafer, huh?
Loafer. I thought, he's a chosen one?
Why not?
Think about it!
What are you hoping for?
Do you think the appeals board will reverse
the court's decision?
Yeah, sure...
I finished this series
with Kozlovsky yesterday. "Karamora".
- Agree to the payments...
- I watch it too!
- And this is an alternate reality...
- I'm telling you, say yes...
Crazy! If I were in one of those...
It's a nightmare.
Open your peepers!
Are you shittin' me, brat?!
Hey! Are you shittin' me?
Come here, now!
What the hell!
Hi, Masha.
- Let's go talk?
- I'm busy.
Come on, Masha. Go and talk.
He doesn't bite.
Masha, really. Let's talk.
I'll explain everything to you.
I don't want to. I'm cold.
Are you cold?
Let's get in the car to warm up.
It's around the corner.
Get your hands off her, freak!
- Yegor, don't touch him.
- What?
What did you say?
Come on, Masha!
Are you insane?!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Damn! Stay away from me!
I think I broke a rib.
Calm down! I'm a doctor.
What?
Nothing.
Look, I wanted to ask you something.
What did you do when you quit smoking?
- I ate sunflower seeds.
- Sunflower seeds?
Karamora.
Remember.
Hunger is the vampire's enemy.
Hunger makes us do stupid things.
But we need to be smart.
Or we'll be in trouble.
Who can do anything to us?
I've never felt so strong.
There is a power stronger than we are.
Werewolves?
How do you know?
I worked it out. I'm not that dumb.
Well, if you're not that dumb,
clean up after yourself.
The power we obey is a contract.
The contract between humans and vampires.
I haven't heard anything about it.
- So we're doing a good job of keeping it.
- This is nonsense.
How can you keep a contract with humans
if they don't know anything about you?
'Cause we have it only with the Keepers.
Oh, look, you're getting into it.
Parenting is such a thing...
Come here!
We have two commandments.
The first one is: people mustn't know
anything about vampires.
The second one.
Vampire never kills a human being.
But there is also a third commandment.
Never listen to an older vampire
with such a long face.
So we're like a family?
Finally.
Then lend me 70 000.
How much is it?
Is it a lot?
- I see. Okay, bye!
- Bye.
- Hi. Masha, wait, please.
- Are you an idiot?
I told you to leave me alone.
This is for you.
And, again, I'm sorry.
- Is this the new one?
- Yes, but not the latest.
Thanks.
Where did you sleep?
Did you miss me?
Dormitory head did.
She was looking for you.
They're kicking you out of the dorm
for fighting.
Really?
Whatever.
I wanted to get out of this asylum anyway.
I have an apartment downtown now.
Why does he need so much money?
He gave his girlfriend a new phone.
Phone? For 70,000?
Is he stupid?
Grandpa, times are tough.
But you may be right, though.
- So where is this lady's man now?
- He's coming.
With a Christmas tree.
What Christmas tree?
Why?
Well, maybe, 'cause it's New Year's Eve?
Why do you look so sour?
I brought you a Christmas tree! Like it?
- It's fantastic!
- Oh, Lord...
Move aside!
Pip-pip!
On the other hand...
He didn't spend all his pennies on a girl.
He took care of us, too.
Why does he need the Christmas tree?
We're not celebrating.
Why not? It's been a long time
since holidays mattered to us.
But he has to smoothly move
from human to vampire life.
He's a good kid.
Really good.
What's going on here?
Look. Amazing!
Where are your ornaments?
Mine stayed somewhere in 1812.
- I never had any.
- Why?
Because the Christmas tree decorating
is a temporary tradition.
It appeared like 300 years ago,
and in 100 years it will disappear.
I had them somewhere.
Look for them, child.
She's our youngest one.
Still keeping all her stuff.
Here.
It doesn't look very festive.
It depends on what holiday it is.
If it's, for example,
the Day of Leprosy Treatment...
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You don't have to follow me.
I'll be fine! Won't be long.
Well, children.
Since we're going to celebrate
the New Year,
why don't we play bingo?
Oh, come on.
- We haven't played in 15 years or so?
- Well, it's more fun!
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
- Hello?
- Hello! Do you believe in God?
Do you think it's funny?
Well, entertaining at least.
You just have an atrophied sense of humor.
Atrophy means swallowing
from the ancient Greek.
And I'm fed to the teeth with your humor.
You're so boring, Jean.
I'll come by for blood today.
- Happy holidays!
- When? Hello? Olga?
If anyone can ruin a holiday,
then this woman is out of competition.
Jean, look.
Since your adder is coming over anyway,
why don't you ask her to bring ornaments?
Countess has more interesting ones.
Hell no.
All right! Stop, children, it's time.
May I...?
"Growth", "growth", "growth".
- Grandpa, you wrote it three times.
- This is my bet.
- Very brave!
- May I too?
What? "Economic"?
That's too much.
Excuse me.
Anyway.
What are we playing for?
As always. A wish.
Here.
Why did you bring
this New Year's puke here?
To set the mood of course.
New Year Eve can't be
without salad and tangerines.
Wait.
Damn. Fuck!
I'll clean it up.
I see. He is chosen
to cause us endless troubles.
Why are you yelling here?
- She bit me!
- Is he a vampire?
Now you know each other.
Did you bring ornaments?
Jesus Christ! We almost missed it!
Annushka, turn on the TV!
Jean, pour the glasses.
So we'll toast at chime of bells.
- What's going on?
- Bingo.
Bingo?
- Dear compatriots!
- Yes, "compatriots"!
- Despite a very difficult year...
- I thought he'd say "Russians".
It saw strong economic growth...
- "Economic"!
- "Growth"!
We live in a turbulent, dynamic,
contradictory time.
- "Time".
- I also have "time".
- Growth of our state.
- Another "growth"!
Bright and festive feelings
have been living in us since childhood.
We go back to every New Year's Eve,
when we embrace our loved ones.
And decorate the Christmas tree with them.
These sometimes old,
but beloved family ornaments
give their warmth
to the younger generations.
May happiness and understanding
forever be in your home.
May your parents be in good health
and always feel your attention.
And every child knows,
that he is the most beloved.
The New Year is already here.
We wish each other and our motherland
peace, prosperity and economic growth.
- Happy New Year!
- "Growth". Three times.
Okay, Grandpa.
Come on, calm down.
Chimes!
Well, children.
Happy New Year!
Happiness in the New Year!
- Cheers!
- Happy New Year!
All right! Let's check our results!
- How much do you have
- One, two, three, four...
- Nine.
- I have eight.
And I have 12.
"Growth" thing worked!
Nothing has changed
in this speech in the last 50 years.
No, Countess.
There were no such words as "threat",
"death", or "cut costs to the bone".
So it's not that bad.
To be honest, vampires have never lived
as well as they have under Putin.
I don't know about other people.
It's hard for people
under any government.
Polina, do you know what Santa Claus was
like in his childhood? Frost Boy!
I can't watch it anymore.
What? Why did you turn it off?
The concert will start now.
At least we'll know
what young people are listening to today.
On New Year's Eve
there are always old songs on TV.
Who the hell is this?
Grandpa Slava, don't get up!
I'll get it.
One second.
What a good boy.
"Don't get up, Grandpa, I'll get it!".
- He's well-mannered.
- But dumb, though.
What's wrong with you?
You are of noble blood,
but such a nasty piece of work.
This is Masha.
- Hello.
- This is my family.
Nice to meet you.
We are too!
I have a toast!
Toast! One second.
Here.
This is for you...
- Can I have this red drink?
- No, don't, honey.
This is strong alcohol.
It'll make you sick.
Well, toast. I mean...
I love you.
Thank you so much for coming.
It really appreciate it.
I don't have a luxury car,
or a lot of money yet.
But I have something
that no one else can give you.
I want to give you...
forever!
Masha, I'm a vampire.
Bravo!
Who are you studying for?
Transport service specialist.
This is a very important profession.
It is in great demand.
Wait. Masha, it's true.
I'm a vampire. We're all vampires here!
Yeah! Good thing we're not aliens
like last time!
We're all aliens here.
Why are you doing this?!
Masha, it's true, look!
- You or me?
- You do it.
Did you kill her?
Calm down! She'll wake up
and won't remember anything.
You. You broke the main law!
I love her!
Love loves silence.
You can't shout about love.
But if you ever say
one more word
about vampires again, wanker,
I'll rip your rotten filthy tongue
right out through your nostrils.
Zhenya, get the girl some water.
- Come on.
- Go.
- Okay.
- What a disaster!
Well, we get our Romeo.
What I want to know,
is this transport service specialist
has fallen in love, too?
What does she think?
- I'll find out.
- Cool.
Champagne make me so woozy.
Snack while you drink, girl!
Zhenya made salad, see?
- Eat.
- Thanks. That's enough.
- Isn't it good?
- It is!
"So much sauce in here.
He's such a crush.
So intelligent,
the jacket suits him so well.
Well-built guy.
I'd celebrate with him".
Well, guys. You stay here,
and we'll go talk about our own stuff.
Enjoy your meal!
How did he do that?
There are lots of women,
and he's got a crush on this bimbo.
Maybe he's dumb after all?
His love torments came at a very bad time.
Sooner or later he's gonna say
about us to that girl.
So let's tell him the truth.
That in spite of all these gifts,
she was interested
in the first man she met, Jean.
I'm afraid this isn't an argument
for his testosterone.
Look. What if...
For example!
He'll see her with...
- And all you want is...
- Are you insane, Jean?!
Look, this is not about me, okay?
Put into his head that this skank
is not an option for him.
- That's not enough.
Okay, I'll turn him away from this girl.
But he'll meet the second one tomorrow.
The day after tomorrow he'll bring a third.
I know these guys.
He needs to be
so psychologically traumatized
that he'll avoid all women for a while.
- It's cruel.
- Do you have any other options?
Just don't put in his head
that he likes men. Please.
Real guts, you know!
There was blood all over the place.
Masha, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Privately.
- Yeah, sure.
Don't worry,
it's just woman-to-woman talk.
- Mary!
- What?
You have very beautiful eyes.
Do you like Zhenya?
- So-so.
- Wrong answer.
You like him. A lot.
And now you'll call him over here,
to make love to him.
- Okay, honey?
- Yes.
But when he takes off his underwear,
you'll laugh and say
that he has too little jocks.
- And you'll leave. Understand?
- Yes.
Good girl.
- Where is Masha?
- I ate her.
You're such an adder.
What did you put in her head?
I don't know what,
but I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
- There you are!
- Shall we dance?
Sure, but...
But this is Annushka's room.
So what?
It's hot in here.
Yeah, it is.
But... Anyone could walk in here.
Are you scared?
No.
I mean, I'm not that...
Zhenya, I want you.
Don't stop.
Sorry, I can't.
I didn't ask you to make me a vampire!
I can't...
Now I'm... I'm like an animal!
I hate you!
Something went wrong.
What a disaster!
A horse never goes straight up.
A low hedge is easily leaped over.
Masha, what happened?
He ran away.
I didn't have time to laugh,
or tell him he had a little jocks...
- You're a scary woman.
- Thanks.
What a dream!
Lord...
Everyone comes here when something happens.
Both believers and atheists. Everyone.
Are you going to always follow me
in this f*** town?
Don't insult the city!
I'm going to follow you
until you learn acting normally.
Normally? Normally.
Is it normal that I wanted her blood?
Not her, but her blood, understand?
I do. I really do.
Why then?
Why did you do this to me?
What a generation!
It's always someone else's fault!
It's not me, it's this, this. This!
And I remember everything.
You were walking there...
Sharp chevy chase,
headphones bigger than your head.
Didn't your parents taught you?
When you come to the road,
make sure there are no cars.
Look to the left, and then to the right.
Then cross the road.
But no, you didn't see anything!
You were going like a bull at a gate!
So what? You got hit by a minibus?
What if it's a divine intervention
that I was in the minibus?
You have to understand, Zhenya.
It's not my fault that you died.
But it's my fault that you'll live forever.
I'm sorry about that.
What if I won't forgive you?
Then I'll rip your head off right here
and it'll end the way
it was supposed to end.
Appreciate what you have!
Listen, what if I gave you a chance!
To see these farting cars will fly!
- Like fly?
- Yes!
Fly! Life, Zhenya, is such a thing.
It's...
Do you see the bridge? The bridge!
- So?
- Concrete bridge.
Do you even know what this is?
Concrete bridge.
But 150 years ago there nothing
but wet dirt up to the neck.
And now there's a bridge!
And it's only been 150 years.
This is evolution.
This is progress!
And it won't be long before
you and I can see this city,
that you're insulting so much.
- Do you know what it's going to be like?
- What?
- What?
- What it's going to be like?!
I don't know.
We can see together.
Come on.
Choose.
- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Easy-easy!
Good boy.
It's okay.
And remember.
Remember. In any situation,
always choose life.
Right. When you learn
how to control hunger,
then you'll have a lot of fun with women.
CHOOSE LIFE
PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON
Ask Jean. He'll tell you everything.
We're back.
- So?
- What?
Where did you find him?
How did it go? How did it end?
I'll tell you in detail.
It's okay!
Why are you sitting here
with such long faces?
I'll turn...
Now it's a lot more fun.
Power went out in the neighborhood too.
Tragic!
It's true what they say,
how fast you get used to a good thing.
It's been 100 years,
and it's hard to do without electricity.
Let's go outside!
There are lights. It's fun.
And here is comfort and nice people.
Come on, my phone is about to die.
I wish we were in a castle somewhere.
Hang out there.
And we sit in the barn by candlelight.
Not in the barn. In a fancy apartment
in the center of great city.
With all comforts!
He hasn't lived with us for a day yet,
and he's already so annoying...
just like...
Why are you smiling?
Just like you! That's how he pisses me off!
Screw you.
For God's sake. Okay!
You'll have a castle and lights.
As you want.
Hello?
Hello, dear!
There's a new addition to our family!
It's a boy! He's average.
About 60 kilograms.
Okay.
We're going to visit my friend.
Nuh, I have firework burns,
alcohol-related hypothermia tomorrow.
Well, I'll have a holiday stabbing.
I'm just reminding you
that after the bingo, you owe me the wish.
So what? Do you like this shack?
Holy shit!
Holy f*** shit!
Stop! Let's do it again.
Svyatoslav Vernidubovich!
I really appreciate your coming!
Annushka, my beauty.
Berets suit you as always.
Thank you, Maximilian.
Countess, you are as dazzling
like a July afternoon.
I'd say like a pillar of fire
on Kupala's night.
As you wish.
Hello, Maximilian. Would you prefer
me to speak French?
What a pity. Your accent falls short
of your sexual exploits.
Two centuries were enough for you
to almost forget your native language.
What?
Where's your newbie?
Come here, disaster!
Here.
Hello! Evgeniy.
Nice to meet you.
Do you know me?
Sure! On your YouTube show,
there was a woman
hitting on Valya Carnaval.
This is further confirmation
that television is dying.
- Do you like it here?
- This place is unreal!
It's like I'm in a movie.
This doors are great.
- Antique?
- It's 17th century.
- 17th century?
- I got it for next to nothing.
- Do you know who made them?
- No. Who?
- Me.
- Really?
In the 17th century I served as a founder
at the Novgorod temple.
That's where I cast these doors.
In bronze.
Once I was on tour,
and I saw an antique store.
There were my doors.
In an antique store!
I bought my own doors after 3 centuries.
- So you were the founder?
- Yes.
And I'm not one of those, you know,
old people who say...
"I'd live my life the same way,
as I did the first time".
Live a second chance differently.
I was a blacksmith, a founder,
a daguerreotypist...
- Zootechnician.
Zootechnician! And now I'm a celebrity.
- People say I'm good at it.
- But you were never a brilliant doctor.
But I was the nice blacksmith,
the talented founder,
and the excellent daguerreotypist.
- Zootechnician?
Amazing one! Vivisection was my forte.
I cut beyond doubt.
As for the current profession,
the result is evident.
Here!
This is how real vampires should live.
Rich, spectacular,
glamorous, with a lot of flair...
Do you know how much
the utilities alone cost?
- And the heat supply?
- I don't care, I'd live here in the cold.
Then live, son. Live.
Go ahead, make some money,
buy a castle, and live.
But I have only one question.
Do you have any talent,
or any skill, to live like this?
Well...
Look, could you tell me one thing?
Like vampire to vampire. Honestly.
How much would it cost
to build such a house?
- Shut up! Don't embarrass me...
- It's okay.
- 40 000.
- Really? 40 000?
Books to read.
200 000 smart people to listen to.
Make five hundred mistakes.
And work.
Eight hours a day.
Do the math. 365 days by 8 hours,
and by 300 years. How much is that?
- Does he know how to count?
- No idea.
- Well?
- That's a lot.
Exactly.
I'm sorry, I can't let you in.
It's the middle of the night.
Everyone's asleep. And, you know...
- As always.
- No, wait, I don't know.
- He's dumb.
- Oh, thanks for reminding me.
I've got a little present for you.
Just a minute.
Oh no!
I forgot about the present!
Guys, do you have something
that you don't need
but Maximilian could use, huh?
From the bottom of my heart.
Here you go.
It's the good one. Bulgarian.
- Thanks!
- Well, happy New Year!
- Love you!
- Thanks, happy New Year!!
So what?
Do you feel anything?
Does he have a power?
He's still young.
I can't feel his power yet.
But he has a bright energy.
He's a good boy, very kind.
He'll have an interesting life.
Well, I hope also a long one?
The interesting.
Everybody is hurrying somewhere.
You'll be in time!
But if you won't,
so you didn't really need it.
Don't be a drag, pops.
I've been driving for 30 years!
Mister, are you all right?
I am.
Call an ambulance for the kid.
He's alive!
Holy crap!
Come on. Call!
Are you guys calling the police?
- Of course we are.
- Why? Nuh, don't!
- His face covered in blood.
- What are you talking about?
It's just a ketchup!
Wait, pops.
Is it a prank or something?
Yeah! Exactly!
- That's so cool, pops!
- Yeah, that's right.
Super!
- Hello!
- Hi!
SMOLENSK COLLEGE OF MOTOR TRANSPORT
DORMITORY NO. 1
Oh, vampire's here.
Don't fret. I don't bite nerds.
What the hell?!
This is blood.
I'm telling you, this is blood.
Hey you, prick!
Did you kill someone?
His blog has made him crazy.
And he really killed someone.
- Zhenyok!
- What?
Are you stoned?
I think I had an accident.
- What?
- I got hit by a minibus.
You seem to be safe and sound.
What's with all the blood?
Blood...
That old man.
He went through the windshield.
Is he alive?
Yeah. He is.
He ruined my hoodie.
Okay then.
Join us for another round!
No, I have plans for tonight.
Anyway, this diploma is for my mother.
I don't need it at all.
Like I have a profession,
so I can make money and so on.
I want to be a blogger.
I already have 3K subscribers.
I was thinking of going
to medical school.
And then I had a chance to go to a clinic
and I was like... uh, no, thanks.
Wait.
Can you feel it?
Squirrel.
Smells like squirrel!
Oh, there it is!
- Really!
- Squirrel!
How did you even smell it
at this distance?
I don't know.
How do you know
what squirrels smell like?
What about me?
Do I smell good?
Yeah, you have a great perfume.
No shit, I know, right.
Ah, I mean, well...
It's an orange and...
Like a tree.
- Sandalwood!
- Man, can you really feel it?
- What do my hands smell like?
- Coconut lotion. Wait, you...
Have you had marshmallows today?
- Yeah.
- Wait!
I also feel...
- Shit?
- What?!
- Dog!
- Dog?!
Dog shit!
Why are you laughing, you stoners?!
Nothing. You know...
Poop well!
Should I let the dog loose on you?
Jackie, sic'em!
- Hold on!
- Run!
- You're so fun!
- You're too!
I'm having a great time with you.
Wow! You've got bold.
Would you dare to kiss me?
Why not?
You bit me, idiot!
I was told you were weirdo!
- Masha, wait!
- Screw you!
Don't worry.
You're not weirdo.
Well, maybe just a little.
Who are you?
It's more important who you are.
What? I'm a human.
Not anymore.
Okay, then.
Take care, gramps. Bye!
You better tell me, what you liked best.
Kissing or the taste of blood?
START ORIGINAL SERIES
YURIY STOYANOV
GLEB KALYUZHNY
EKATERINA KUZNETSOVA
ARTEM TKACHENKO
OLGA MEDYNICH
ZOYA MANSUROVA
MAXIM GALKIN
THE VAMPIRES OF MIDLAND
NEW BLOOD
Annushka, is that you?
Come in, child. Sit down.
Well?
Tell me.
How was your day at work?
It was, thanks God.
- Delicious!
- I know, right?
That's the story in a nutshell.
Yesterday a delegation of Buddhist monks
showed up in our city.
One of them got sick. He got an appointment
with Jean by a stroke of luck.
That's what it means when people
don't drink or smoke, and have pious mind.
But why did he get sick then?
Good evening everyone!
What a nasty December this year.
Hi, Grandpa.
What we're celebrating?
We're tasting your monk.
- There are four glasses.
- Yep.
So you're waiting for Olga?
Did you invite her? I didn't either.
Why would she come,
if we didn't invite her?
So Grandpa invited her?
That's why I'm wondering.
Since the glasses are celebratory,
what we're celebrating?
Actually, I'm a detective in our family.
You got me, little bastards.
My children.
Life goes on.
Things change.
But we have all exactly the same.
The same faces all the time.
Dear faces, of course.
But always the same.
And it just came to my mind.
Should we think about addition?
No.
We'll have to train a newbie, raise him.
I don't want to. I want to live for myself.
Grandpa, the fourth glass is not
for Olga, right?
Please meet the new member of our family.
Evgeniy.
- He's a little... I don't know.
- Too young?
Guys like him are brought to me
after the New Year.
And to me.
You don't smoke?
Good or you!
Slight scoliosis.
- You're a programmer?
- Blogger.
Student at the College of Motor Vehicles.
Grandpa, no disrespect,
why do we need a blogger from party school?
College.
We need him, because...
Because what?
- Because he's the chosen one!
- The chosen one?
Excuse me, for what?
We'll see!
Stop examining him like a horse for sale!
Come on, son, let's celebrate our meeting!
This is your first time.
- Just imagine it's juice.
- Human juice.
Bite your tongue, Jean.
Just close your eyes and take a sip.
Come on.
And again.
Fangs?!
Fangs!
Fangs! Real ones!
Why am I reflected in the mirror?
And blood.
You killed someone, didn't you?
How much blood can we drink at a time?
And why do we live in a daytime?
- Why don't we burn in the sun?
- No, I'm out.
Remember the most important thing.
- You don't kill anyone.
- What? Where will I get blood?
Here. You open the fridge and take it.
Our doctor brings it from work.
But... I've seen it in movies!
Vampires hunt...
What movies have you seen?
Documentaries?
- Listen to me carefully.
- Okay.
We don't sleep upside down.
We reflect in the mirror.
And most importantly: we don't kill anyone.
Don't kill anyone!
Understand?
So...
is this your house, then?
- Did you expect a Gothic castle?
No, but...
Do you actually live here?
I thought you rented this barn to cover.
It's not a barn, it's a nice apartment.
Fashionable, I'd say.
Better tell me, are you a prince
so you're studying at your party school?
Wanker!
You'll get used to this place!
I'm used to my dorm.
So, thanks, I...
Remember, Zhenya.
You're a vampire now.
And this is your home, Zhenya.
Okay, I get it.
- Do you even have a bathroom?
- Of course.
Turn left, then right down the hallway
and take left again.
Okay, thanks.
Don't ask me anything.
All things will come in due time.
Is that the front door?
- Is there anyone here?
- I think there's already no one.
He's gone!
What a loafer, huh?
Loafer. I thought, he's a chosen one?
Why not?
Think about it!
What are you hoping for?
Do you think the appeals board will reverse
the court's decision?
Yeah, sure...
I finished this series
with Kozlovsky yesterday. "Karamora".
- Agree to the payments...
- I watch it too!
- And this is an alternate reality...
- I'm telling you, say yes...
Crazy! If I were in one of those...
It's a nightmare.
Open your peepers!
Are you shittin' me, brat?!
Hey! Are you shittin' me?
Come here, now!
What the hell!
Hi, Masha.
- Let's go talk?
- I'm busy.
Come on, Masha. Go and talk.
He doesn't bite.
Masha, really. Let's talk.
I'll explain everything to you.
I don't want to. I'm cold.
Are you cold?
Let's get in the car to warm up.
It's around the corner.
Get your hands off her, freak!
- Yegor, don't touch him.
- What?
What did you say?
Come on, Masha!
Are you insane?!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Damn! Stay away from me!
I think I broke a rib.
Calm down! I'm a doctor.
What?
Nothing.
Look, I wanted to ask you something.
What did you do when you quit smoking?
- I ate sunflower seeds.
- Sunflower seeds?
Karamora.
Remember.
Hunger is the vampire's enemy.
Hunger makes us do stupid things.
But we need to be smart.
Or we'll be in trouble.
Who can do anything to us?
I've never felt so strong.
There is a power stronger than we are.
Werewolves?
How do you know?
I worked it out. I'm not that dumb.
Well, if you're not that dumb,
clean up after yourself.
The power we obey is a contract.
The contract between humans and vampires.
I haven't heard anything about it.
- So we're doing a good job of keeping it.
- This is nonsense.
How can you keep a contract with humans
if they don't know anything about you?
'Cause we have it only with the Keepers.
Oh, look, you're getting into it.
Parenting is such a thing...
Come here!
We have two commandments.
The first one is: people mustn't know
anything about vampires.
The second one.
Vampire never kills a human being.
But there is also a third commandment.
Never listen to an older vampire
with such a long face.
So we're like a family?
Finally.
Then lend me 70 000.
How much is it?
Is it a lot?
- I see. Okay, bye!
- Bye.
- Hi. Masha, wait, please.
- Are you an idiot?
I told you to leave me alone.
This is for you.
And, again, I'm sorry.
- Is this the new one?
- Yes, but not the latest.
Thanks.
Where did you sleep?
Did you miss me?
Dormitory head did.
She was looking for you.
They're kicking you out of the dorm
for fighting.
Really?
Whatever.
I wanted to get out of this asylum anyway.
I have an apartment downtown now.
Why does he need so much money?
He gave his girlfriend a new phone.
Phone? For 70,000?
Is he stupid?
Grandpa, times are tough.
But you may be right, though.
- So where is this lady's man now?
- He's coming.
With a Christmas tree.
What Christmas tree?
Why?
Well, maybe, 'cause it's New Year's Eve?
Why do you look so sour?
I brought you a Christmas tree! Like it?
- It's fantastic!
- Oh, Lord...
Move aside!
Pip-pip!
On the other hand...
He didn't spend all his pennies on a girl.
He took care of us, too.
Why does he need the Christmas tree?
We're not celebrating.
Why not? It's been a long time
since holidays mattered to us.
But he has to smoothly move
from human to vampire life.
He's a good kid.
Really good.
What's going on here?
Look. Amazing!
Where are your ornaments?
Mine stayed somewhere in 1812.
- I never had any.
- Why?
Because the Christmas tree decorating
is a temporary tradition.
It appeared like 300 years ago,
and in 100 years it will disappear.
I had them somewhere.
Look for them, child.
She's our youngest one.
Still keeping all her stuff.
Here.
It doesn't look very festive.
It depends on what holiday it is.
If it's, for example,
the Day of Leprosy Treatment...
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You don't have to follow me.
I'll be fine! Won't be long.
Well, children.
Since we're going to celebrate
the New Year,
why don't we play bingo?
Oh, come on.
- We haven't played in 15 years or so?
- Well, it's more fun!
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
- Hello?
- Hello! Do you believe in God?
Do you think it's funny?
Well, entertaining at least.
You just have an atrophied sense of humor.
Atrophy means swallowing
from the ancient Greek.
And I'm fed to the teeth with your humor.
You're so boring, Jean.
I'll come by for blood today.
- Happy holidays!
- When? Hello? Olga?
If anyone can ruin a holiday,
then this woman is out of competition.
Jean, look.
Since your adder is coming over anyway,
why don't you ask her to bring ornaments?
Countess has more interesting ones.
Hell no.
All right! Stop, children, it's time.
May I...?
"Growth", "growth", "growth".
- Grandpa, you wrote it three times.
- This is my bet.
- Very brave!
- May I too?
What? "Economic"?
That's too much.
Excuse me.
Anyway.
What are we playing for?
As always. A wish.
Here.
Why did you bring
this New Year's puke here?
To set the mood of course.
New Year Eve can't be
without salad and tangerines.
Wait.
Damn. Fuck!
I'll clean it up.
I see. He is chosen
to cause us endless troubles.
Why are you yelling here?
- She bit me!
- Is he a vampire?
Now you know each other.
Did you bring ornaments?
Jesus Christ! We almost missed it!
Annushka, turn on the TV!
Jean, pour the glasses.
So we'll toast at chime of bells.
- What's going on?
- Bingo.
Bingo?
- Dear compatriots!
- Yes, "compatriots"!
- Despite a very difficult year...
- I thought he'd say "Russians".
It saw strong economic growth...
- "Economic"!
- "Growth"!
We live in a turbulent, dynamic,
contradictory time.
- "Time".
- I also have "time".
- Growth of our state.
- Another "growth"!
Bright and festive feelings
have been living in us since childhood.
We go back to every New Year's Eve,
when we embrace our loved ones.
And decorate the Christmas tree with them.
These sometimes old,
but beloved family ornaments
give their warmth
to the younger generations.
May happiness and understanding
forever be in your home.
May your parents be in good health
and always feel your attention.
And every child knows,
that he is the most beloved.
The New Year is already here.
We wish each other and our motherland
peace, prosperity and economic growth.
- Happy New Year!
- "Growth". Three times.
Okay, Grandpa.
Come on, calm down.
Chimes!
Well, children.
Happy New Year!
Happiness in the New Year!
- Cheers!
- Happy New Year!
All right! Let's check our results!
- How much do you have
- One, two, three, four...
- Nine.
- I have eight.
And I have 12.
"Growth" thing worked!
Nothing has changed
in this speech in the last 50 years.
No, Countess.
There were no such words as "threat",
"death", or "cut costs to the bone".
So it's not that bad.
To be honest, vampires have never lived
as well as they have under Putin.
I don't know about other people.
It's hard for people
under any government.
Polina, do you know what Santa Claus was
like in his childhood? Frost Boy!
I can't watch it anymore.
What? Why did you turn it off?
The concert will start now.
At least we'll know
what young people are listening to today.
On New Year's Eve
there are always old songs on TV.
Who the hell is this?
Grandpa Slava, don't get up!
I'll get it.
One second.
What a good boy.
"Don't get up, Grandpa, I'll get it!".
- He's well-mannered.
- But dumb, though.
What's wrong with you?
You are of noble blood,
but such a nasty piece of work.
This is Masha.
- Hello.
- This is my family.
Nice to meet you.
We are too!
I have a toast!
Toast! One second.
Here.
This is for you...
- Can I have this red drink?
- No, don't, honey.
This is strong alcohol.
It'll make you sick.
Well, toast. I mean...
I love you.
Thank you so much for coming.
It really appreciate it.
I don't have a luxury car,
or a lot of money yet.
But I have something
that no one else can give you.
I want to give you...
forever!
Masha, I'm a vampire.
Bravo!
Who are you studying for?
Transport service specialist.
This is a very important profession.
It is in great demand.
Wait. Masha, it's true.
I'm a vampire. We're all vampires here!
Yeah! Good thing we're not aliens
like last time!
We're all aliens here.
Why are you doing this?!
Masha, it's true, look!
- You or me?
- You do it.
Did you kill her?
Calm down! She'll wake up
and won't remember anything.
You. You broke the main law!
I love her!
Love loves silence.
You can't shout about love.
But if you ever say
one more word
about vampires again, wanker,
I'll rip your rotten filthy tongue
right out through your nostrils.
Zhenya, get the girl some water.
- Come on.
- Go.
- Okay.
- What a disaster!
Well, we get our Romeo.
What I want to know,
is this transport service specialist
has fallen in love, too?
What does she think?
- I'll find out.
- Cool.
Champagne make me so woozy.
Snack while you drink, girl!
Zhenya made salad, see?
- Eat.
- Thanks. That's enough.
- Isn't it good?
- It is!
"So much sauce in here.
He's such a crush.
So intelligent,
the jacket suits him so well.
Well-built guy.
I'd celebrate with him".
Well, guys. You stay here,
and we'll go talk about our own stuff.
Enjoy your meal!
How did he do that?
There are lots of women,
and he's got a crush on this bimbo.
Maybe he's dumb after all?
His love torments came at a very bad time.
Sooner or later he's gonna say
about us to that girl.
So let's tell him the truth.
That in spite of all these gifts,
she was interested
in the first man she met, Jean.
I'm afraid this isn't an argument
for his testosterone.
Look. What if...
For example!
He'll see her with...
- And all you want is...
- Are you insane, Jean?!
Look, this is not about me, okay?
Put into his head that this skank
is not an option for him.
- That's not enough.
Okay, I'll turn him away from this girl.
But he'll meet the second one tomorrow.
The day after tomorrow he'll bring a third.
I know these guys.
He needs to be
so psychologically traumatized
that he'll avoid all women for a while.
- It's cruel.
- Do you have any other options?
Just don't put in his head
that he likes men. Please.
Real guts, you know!
There was blood all over the place.
Masha, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Privately.
- Yeah, sure.
Don't worry,
it's just woman-to-woman talk.
- Mary!
- What?
You have very beautiful eyes.
Do you like Zhenya?
- So-so.
- Wrong answer.
You like him. A lot.
And now you'll call him over here,
to make love to him.
- Okay, honey?
- Yes.
But when he takes off his underwear,
you'll laugh and say
that he has too little jocks.
- And you'll leave. Understand?
- Yes.
Good girl.
- Where is Masha?
- I ate her.
You're such an adder.
What did you put in her head?
I don't know what,
but I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
- There you are!
- Shall we dance?
Sure, but...
But this is Annushka's room.
So what?
It's hot in here.
Yeah, it is.
But... Anyone could walk in here.
Are you scared?
No.
I mean, I'm not that...
Zhenya, I want you.
Don't stop.
Sorry, I can't.
I didn't ask you to make me a vampire!
I can't...
Now I'm... I'm like an animal!
I hate you!
Something went wrong.
What a disaster!
A horse never goes straight up.
A low hedge is easily leaped over.
Masha, what happened?
He ran away.
I didn't have time to laugh,
or tell him he had a little jocks...
- You're a scary woman.
- Thanks.
What a dream!
Lord...
Everyone comes here when something happens.
Both believers and atheists. Everyone.
Are you going to always follow me
in this f*** town?
Don't insult the city!
I'm going to follow you
until you learn acting normally.
Normally? Normally.
Is it normal that I wanted her blood?
Not her, but her blood, understand?
I do. I really do.
Why then?
Why did you do this to me?
What a generation!
It's always someone else's fault!
It's not me, it's this, this. This!
And I remember everything.
You were walking there...
Sharp chevy chase,
headphones bigger than your head.
Didn't your parents taught you?
When you come to the road,
make sure there are no cars.
Look to the left, and then to the right.
Then cross the road.
But no, you didn't see anything!
You were going like a bull at a gate!
So what? You got hit by a minibus?
What if it's a divine intervention
that I was in the minibus?
You have to understand, Zhenya.
It's not my fault that you died.
But it's my fault that you'll live forever.
I'm sorry about that.
What if I won't forgive you?
Then I'll rip your head off right here
and it'll end the way
it was supposed to end.
Appreciate what you have!
Listen, what if I gave you a chance!
To see these farting cars will fly!
- Like fly?
- Yes!
Fly! Life, Zhenya, is such a thing.
It's...
Do you see the bridge? The bridge!
- So?
- Concrete bridge.
Do you even know what this is?
Concrete bridge.
But 150 years ago there nothing
but wet dirt up to the neck.
And now there's a bridge!
And it's only been 150 years.
This is evolution.
This is progress!
And it won't be long before
you and I can see this city,
that you're insulting so much.
- Do you know what it's going to be like?
- What?
- What?
- What it's going to be like?!
I don't know.
We can see together.
Come on.
Choose.
- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Easy-easy!
Good boy.
It's okay.
And remember.
Remember. In any situation,
always choose life.
Right. When you learn
how to control hunger,
then you'll have a lot of fun with women.
CHOOSE LIFE
PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON
Ask Jean. He'll tell you everything.
We're back.
- So?
- What?
Where did you find him?
How did it go? How did it end?
I'll tell you in detail.
It's okay!
Why are you sitting here
with such long faces?
I'll turn...
Now it's a lot more fun.
Power went out in the neighborhood too.
Tragic!
It's true what they say,
how fast you get used to a good thing.
It's been 100 years,
and it's hard to do without electricity.
Let's go outside!
There are lights. It's fun.
And here is comfort and nice people.
Come on, my phone is about to die.
I wish we were in a castle somewhere.
Hang out there.
And we sit in the barn by candlelight.
Not in the barn. In a fancy apartment
in the center of great city.
With all comforts!
He hasn't lived with us for a day yet,
and he's already so annoying...
just like...
Why are you smiling?
Just like you! That's how he pisses me off!
Screw you.
For God's sake. Okay!
You'll have a castle and lights.
As you want.
Hello?
Hello, dear!
There's a new addition to our family!
It's a boy! He's average.
About 60 kilograms.
Okay.
We're going to visit my friend.
Nuh, I have firework burns,
alcohol-related hypothermia tomorrow.
Well, I'll have a holiday stabbing.
I'm just reminding you
that after the bingo, you owe me the wish.
So what? Do you like this shack?
Holy shit!
Holy f*** shit!
Stop! Let's do it again.
Svyatoslav Vernidubovich!
I really appreciate your coming!
Annushka, my beauty.
Berets suit you as always.
Thank you, Maximilian.
Countess, you are as dazzling
like a July afternoon.
I'd say like a pillar of fire
on Kupala's night.
As you wish.
Hello, Maximilian. Would you prefer
me to speak French?
What a pity. Your accent falls short
of your sexual exploits.
Two centuries were enough for you
to almost forget your native language.
What?
Where's your newbie?
Come here, disaster!
Here.
Hello! Evgeniy.
Nice to meet you.
Do you know me?
Sure! On your YouTube show,
there was a woman
hitting on Valya Carnaval.
This is further confirmation
that television is dying.
- Do you like it here?
- This place is unreal!
It's like I'm in a movie.
This doors are great.
- Antique?
- It's 17th century.
- 17th century?
- I got it for next to nothing.
- Do you know who made them?
- No. Who?
- Me.
- Really?
In the 17th century I served as a founder
at the Novgorod temple.
That's where I cast these doors.
In bronze.
Once I was on tour,
and I saw an antique store.
There were my doors.
In an antique store!
I bought my own doors after 3 centuries.
- So you were the founder?
- Yes.
And I'm not one of those, you know,
old people who say...
"I'd live my life the same way,
as I did the first time".
Live a second chance differently.
I was a blacksmith, a founder,
a daguerreotypist...
- Zootechnician.
Zootechnician! And now I'm a celebrity.
- People say I'm good at it.
- But you were never a brilliant doctor.
But I was the nice blacksmith,
the talented founder,
and the excellent daguerreotypist.
- Zootechnician?
Amazing one! Vivisection was my forte.
I cut beyond doubt.
As for the current profession,
the result is evident.
Here!
This is how real vampires should live.
Rich, spectacular,
glamorous, with a lot of flair...
Do you know how much
the utilities alone cost?
- And the heat supply?
- I don't care, I'd live here in the cold.
Then live, son. Live.
Go ahead, make some money,
buy a castle, and live.
But I have only one question.
Do you have any talent,
or any skill, to live like this?
Well...
Look, could you tell me one thing?
Like vampire to vampire. Honestly.
How much would it cost
to build such a house?
- Shut up! Don't embarrass me...
- It's okay.
- 40 000.
- Really? 40 000?
Books to read.
200 000 smart people to listen to.
Make five hundred mistakes.
And work.
Eight hours a day.
Do the math. 365 days by 8 hours,
and by 300 years. How much is that?
- Does he know how to count?
- No idea.
- Well?
- That's a lot.
Exactly.
I'm sorry, I can't let you in.
It's the middle of the night.
Everyone's asleep. And, you know...
- As always.
- No, wait, I don't know.
- He's dumb.
- Oh, thanks for reminding me.
I've got a little present for you.
Just a minute.
Oh no!
I forgot about the present!
Guys, do you have something
that you don't need
but Maximilian could use, huh?
From the bottom of my heart.
Here you go.
It's the good one. Bulgarian.
- Thanks!
- Well, happy New Year!
- Love you!
- Thanks, happy New Year!!
So what?
Do you feel anything?
Does he have a power?
He's still young.
I can't feel his power yet.
But he has a bright energy.
He's a good boy, very kind.
He'll have an interesting life.
Well, I hope also a long one?
The interesting.