Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 26, Episode 3 - Episode #26.3 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Sexy And I Know It'
by LMFAO
Sexy pigs! Hurrah for love!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They're all getting off
with each other here.
It's a sexy show.
It's a very sexy show.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm sexy.
Let's meet our sexy team captains.
First up, it's sexy Emily Atack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sexy pig! Who's on your team?
So, to my right,
what happens in Vegas,
stays in Vegas.
He's my comedy hero, and hopefully
tonight, my drinking buddy.
It's Johnny Vegas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey!
Yes!
And to my left,
who's ready for a bit
of prime time grime?
That's the first time
I've ever said that in my life.
It's Aitch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Let's meet our other team captain.
Ooh, she's sexy!
It's Laura Whitmore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sexy pig!
Laura, who's on your team?
Well, Keith, to my left,
she's our ray of sunshine.
Give it up for Raye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, she's a ray of sunshine
and her name is Raye! Yes!
And to my right,
she's the sexiest thing
to happen to numbers since the 69.
Please welcome, for the first time
on this show, Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A, B, C, D, E, F, G...
Aitch, everyone!
MUSIC: '5, 6, 7, 8'
by Steps
Got the wrong tune.
That's the other H.
That's...
LAUGHTER
It's Aitch, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Tragedy'
by Steps
That's the wrong one.
That's the wrong one.
That's the wrong one.
It's Aitch, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Deeper Shade Of Blue'
by Steps
Sorry about that.
Sorry, I told them.
It's the wrong one!
It's the wrong one!
It's Aitch, everyone.
NO MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, they hadn't got your song.
LAUGHTER
We've got some videos
of your videos.
Let's have a look
at some of Aitch's videos.
# Everybody, clap your hands... #
LAUGHTER
# Get up and dance
# We're gonna stomp
All night now... #
Stop, stop, stop.
Do you know the man
who's pressing the buttons
for the video and the songs,
does he know who Aitch is?
They've got it, they've got it.
They've got your video.
# Everybody get up, singing... #
LAUGHTER
# One, two, three, four... #
That's... That's not Aitch.
That's J from Five.
LAUGHTER
That's J.
So, for anyone
who doesn't know Aitch music,
how would you describe Aitch music,
then?
Is it grime?
Not any more. Used to be.
Used to be. Oh, used to be?
Yeah. What is it now?
It's just rap. Just rap?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we've got one of your songs.
You've got a new single here
that's got just rapping on it.
Here it is.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
This is out now.
Baby. What's the message?
Baby. It's about a relationship.
With a baby?
With... No.
LAUGHTER
No. Uh...
LAUGHS
No, it's about a girl and a boy -
me, I'm the boy. Yeah.
And we're in a relationship,
and I'm busy,
I'm trying to work,
trying to achieve my goals.
Yeah. But she's fuming because
I don't have enough time for her,
and we're trying to make it work
and it doesn't end up working.
And you don't have a baby.
No.
LAUGHTER
How did you get the name Aitch?
My real name is Harrison.
Because we're Northern, we don't
pronounce the H-aitch the way...
Susie Dent does lectures
on this on Countdown.
You can say either, apparently.
People will...
You like letters, don't you?
I've been... I've worked with a few.
Is H the best letter for a rapper?
Is that the best letter,
do you think?
It's...
What's a better letter than H?
It's my first fucking name.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
If I was Jonathan Ross, I guess
I would say, "It's Wachel Wiley!"
But it's not - it's Rachel Riley!
How's it going?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's lovely to have you here.
Thanks for having me.
I think it's your first time
you've ever been here. It is.
I know. You've been on Countdown
for 13 years? Yeah.
Do you ever think,
"Oh, this is it. I'm done.
"I'm done.
I want to do something else"?
I hope not, no.
Sometimes on Countdown,
they spell out naughty words,
don't they?
We've actually got
some pictures of you, Rachel,
with some rude words behind.
I think they're blurred out.
I'll give you a point for your team
if you can guess those words. OK.
Let's have a look at the first one.
I can't really see...
No, cos they're blurred out.
That's the point of the game.
LAUGHTER
Uh, it could be...
RAYE: Looks like it's "I-N-G".
.."wanking", or "todgers".
"Wanking" or "todgers".
LAUGHTER
Which one are you going for?
Let's go for "todgers".
"Todger".
Let's see if it's "todger".
LAUGHTER
"Bumhole"! "Bumhole"!
BUZZER
Ah!
It is actually real.
Here's the next one. Let's have
a look. OK. I like this game.
Um...
"Creampie".
"Cream pies",
if you're watching, Mum.
LAUGHTER
LAURA: It might be "creampie".
"Erection"! "Erection"!
"Erection".
You think it's "erection"?
"Erection", my final answer.
Let's have a look.
I think it's "erection".
It was "erection"!
Yeah! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, what's this one?
Look at Rachel's face in this one!
LAUGHTER
It's gotta be a nasty one.
Look, she's even tied
her fingers in a knot.
Eugh!
Fucking hell.
This is a dirty one.
It's eight letters.
RAYE: "Orgasm".
"Orgasm"?
I'm going for "orgasm".
"Orgasm". Let's have a look.
"Squirter"!
BUZZER
LAUGHTER
"Squirter".
What's been the nastiest word,
or one of your favourite
naughtiest words?
The thing about Countdown is
that most of the words,
they've got, like, a perfectly
reasonable daytime meaning... Yeah.
..and then one of these examples
is "tarmacked".
AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS
"Tarmacked"? What does that mean?
Someone knows what "tarmacked" is.
It's the worst thing
I've ever heard of.
LAUGHTER
You know golden showers?
When you piss on someone?
Mm. It's the brown version.
AUDIENCE GROAN
And the reason is...
So, you poo on them?
The reason it's called tarmacking
is cos then you paint a white line
down the middle.
AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH
Where do you get the paint from?
LAUGHTER
A special kind of pen.
LAUGHTER
Hang on. I'm sorry...
No, no, no, no, no. I saw you
last time you were on the show.
You shit on someone and then...
If I'm tarmacking...
Don't do it!
I'm not going to do it!
LAUGHTER
..I've got to, like,
let it out slowly and go like that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You're watching Celebrity Juice.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what, hooray! It's Raye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back, Raye.
We always have a laugh, don't we?
We do. Yeah.
I often leave with a little bit
of piss in my underwear.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Since you were last on,
you were nominated for two Brits,
weren't you? Mm-hm. Yeah.
How many did you win?
I didn't win any.
What?!
Are you fucking joking?
No, but it's OK.
There's next times, like... Yeah.
Being nominated is pretty cool.
It's my lifelong dream. Yeah.
I've been recognised four times now.
That's insane.
Yeah. What, in your life?
LAUGHTER
I tell you what, why don't you just
lie and go, "Yeah, I fucking won"?
LAUGHTER
How many Brits did you win?
Two.
You won two, didn't you?
MUSIC: 'All I Do Is Win'
by DJ Khaled
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SHE LAUGHS
You've got your own line of lingerie
out at the moment.
I actually do, yeah.
Yeah. Tell us about it.
It's a collection I designed
with a brand called Dorina,
and I designed it, like...
Oh, proper?
..sketches...
Did you? It's gone really well,
actually. Really proud of that.
We've got a picture of you
in the lingerie,
but I tell you what, Aitch,
put that blindfold on.
Don't want you blowing your beans.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
AUDIENCE WHOOP
You've got your own lingerie out,
have you, Johnny?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Two circles cut out
of a donkey jacket.
LAUGHTER
We've got a picture
of your lingerie.
Oh, shut up. No, you haven't.
There you are.
LAUGHTER
That's so good!
Here's Johnny!
It's Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Always lovely to see
your happy, smiley face.
Last time he was on,
he drank some bin juice
and a block of butter,
only for one point for his team.
LAUGHTER
I shat for a week the wrong way.
LAUGHTER
That's dedication.
No, I did it for extra points,
and I drank about three pints
of tuna brine.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
And I actually...
I weed out of my bum.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Hey, Laura, you know
that I know Danny Dyer/Malcolm Smith
in real life.
You know I know him?
Yeah, you mention it all the time.
We hang out.
He talks about acting roles... Yeah.
..and he comes up with formats
for TV shows as well.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He gave me an idea for a game show
he wants us to try out here.
What is it?
What is it?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what it is.
ANNOUNCER:
Danny Dyer's The Hole In The Wall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to The Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall!
It's Danny Dyer's Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall.
What's going to happen
is our panellists will come up
to Danny Dyer's Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall and put their mouth in here.
I will put a product
into Danny Dyer's mouth,
which is in the hole in...
AUDIENCE: The!
..wall.
They will give me the ID
of that product
and win a point for their team.
It's so easy.
First up, it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right?
Yeah.
OK, so, all you do is put your mouth
into Danny Dyer's mouth...
Yeah.
..then I will shove something
into it.
All you have to do
is give me the ID.
Say something Danny Dyer would say.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Listen, son,
you muggy little BLEEP...
LAUGHTER
Owight. Owight!
Right, you ready?
For you guys at home,
that's what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS
They just do that, Emily.
They just do that.
Give it to me.
Open your mouth.
GROANING
LAUGHTER
SHE SQUEALS
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
SHE LAUGHS
Is it Marmite?
No, it's not Marmite.
LAUGHTER
Lick your lips.
Oh, um, cream cheese.
Yeah, it's cream cheese!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ready for your next one?
Right.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
Come on then, son.
I'm fucking getting impatient,
you BLEEP.
LAUGHTER
Get your tongue out, then.
Go, "Ah-la-la-la."
Ahh... Ah-ah-ah.
Right, then. Here we go.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Oh, my God. What the fuck is that?
LAUGHTER
Is that...? Lick it.
Oh, my God! It's someone's ear!
LAUGHTER
Whose ear is it, though?
Is that Whitmore's ear?
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She stinks. She stinks of cheese.
Oh!
It stinks.
You can smell the cheese?!
LAUGHTER
I've got it in my nose!
Emily smells rank.
We're no longer making TV.
We're making really niche porn.
LAUGHTER
Emily Atack, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now say something
that Danny Dyer would say.
Fuck off!
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
OK, I'm going to put something
into your mouth
and you have to give me
the ID of that item.
Yeah? And you win a point
for your team.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
LAURA: Come on, Rachel!
That's what it is,
for you guys at home.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, shit.
Are you ready? Open wide.
Like you're singing. Go, "Ahh!"
Ahh!
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS
Don't be a scraper.
No-one likes a scraper.
LAUGHTER
You can't do that!
LAURA: You can't do that
to Rachel Riley!
Is it a banana?
LAUGHTER
It's a banana split!
APPLAUSE
Nice. Mm.
That's it for you, Rachel Riley.
Well done!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
Johnny Vegas, welcome
to Johnny Dyer's The Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall.
First of all, I'd like you to say
something to sound like Danny Dyer.
Give me Danny Dyer.
COCKNEY ACCENT: I was related
to someone who was a king once.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, he was.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
I'm getting out of this,
cos this place looks a bit tasty!
Yeah.
AUDIENCE GROANS
No!
OK, Johnny, here's your first one.
Are you ready?
GROANING
I swear to God, if this is a...
GROANING
It's a dirty fucking mop!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now I'll give you your next one.
GROANING
Oh, that was disgusting.
LAURA: I can't.
No, it wasn't.
No, yeah, it was.
LAUGHTER
Eurgh!
LAUGHTER
JOHNNY RETCHES
I can't. I can't.
CONTINUES RETCHING
Oh!
AUDIENCE GROANS
Fucking...
Shit.
JOHNNY RETCHES
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
What is he...? What is he...?
HE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
Eh?
LAUGHTER
Is this fucking dog food?
LAUGHTER
BUZZER
No, Johnny. It was a bag of sick.
LAUGHTER
I fucking swallowed it.
LAUGHTER
Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
EMILY: Johnny, are you OK?
LAURA: He's going to be sick.
He's going to be sick.
RETCHES
He's going to be sick!
He's going to be sick!
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND LAUGH
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH
LAUGHTER
Johnny!
What are you...?
You promised me no more food.
LAUGHTER
You promised me.
You promised me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... puke-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER:
Danny Dyer's The Hole In The Wall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going for a cup of tea.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break...
# My balls have got the blues
# How many more...? #
Slow down, you ginger...! Oh!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
Yes! Yeah! Whoo!
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
I'm having a lovely time.
Having a lovely time.
Aitch, do you reckon
you're the best rapper here tonight?
100,000...
100,000 percent?
..million percent.
What, even better than Rachel Riley?
She's a wordsmith.
That's her show - words.
Put us to the test.
I will put you to the test.
Let's play...
ANNOUNCER: What's Rappenin'
On The Countdown Set, motherfucker!
Yeah, boy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi.
Welcome to What's Rappenin'...
Yeah, boy!
CHEERING
..On The Set Of Countdown!
What's going to happen is
I'm going to give you a word.
You have to rap about that word,
but don't say it.
Hopefully, your team-mates
will guess what that word is.
Capiche?
Yeah.
Point for your team
for every word they guess.
OK, the first one will be...
Um, uh... B...
It's Aitch! Aitch. Aitch.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yo.
Are you ready? You ready?
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
Right, let's have a dirty beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# Yo, yeah
# I'm on a moped
# Got the cc riding
# On TV
# But Keith be lying
# Yeah
# But you can't go on TV
Without a TV... #
"Licence!" "Licence!"
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
Yeah, you ready?
Yeah, man.
OK, let's have a dirty beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# In the morning
# I like to have a wanky
# But when a girl is there
# I call it... #
Um, "spanking".
Sorry. I won't do...
I'll take away my accent.
LAUGHTER
Just take it away!
So, in the morning...
# Yeah, I like to have a wanky... #
Yeah.
# But when a girl's there
# We call it hanky... #
"Hanky-panky"!
"Hanky-panky"!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can he have that? He said
part of it. He said part of it.
Oh!
No point for that one.
No point for that. What?!
Oh, fuck off! Get out of here!
Because you said "hanky".
But she doesn't understand
my accent. It doesn't matter!
And you're ignoring me
like I'm senile.
LAUGHTER
Aitch, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done.
Good job. Good job.
Next up,
it's Rachel in the hizz-oouse!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
RACHEL: OK.
This'll be easy for you.
You know about words.
You're a wordsmith.
Yeah.
I'm always rapping on Countdown.
You ready for this? No.
LAUGHTER
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK. Good luck.
OK.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# Now listen up, bitches... #
LAUGHTER
RAYE: Yeah.
We're listening.
# If you're a maths honey
# Gonna spit some bars
About geome-tary... #
Yes!
# I've got a shape
With three sides... #
Oh, triangle.
Triangle.
# Three sides... #
Triangle. Threesome.
# Three sides
Two of them are the same... #
Uh... Uh, uh...
# And one is not... #
Uh, not... Uh...
"Isosceles"!
"Isosceles"! Yeah!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Isosceles"!
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK.
Let's have a sick
motherfucking beat, yo!
Oh...
LAUGHTER
COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE PLAYS
Got the Countdown theme now.
# Listen up, guys
# They say size matters... #
Size matters.
# Size matters
# Uh, you know us girls
We like to gossip
# Natter, natter, natter... #
Have a natter.
# Um, but this kind of thing
Is not that cool
# It's when your meat and veg
Is wider than it's tall... #
Oh.
"Chode"! "Chode"! "Chode"!
"Chode"! Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AITCH: That was actually good.
EMILY: You killed that!
Well done, Rachel!
Well done. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, why go to Vegas
when you can bring Vegas here?
It's Johnny Vegas!
Come on, Johnny!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Your word is...
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
God help us.
Fuck off.
LAUGHTER
Let's have a fat beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# So, I'm looking down
At two strangers
# Cos I've got something
I can't mention
# But it feels like
A car-rental service.... #
What?!
# It's on my balls
# The twins are bad
# I'm itching, babe
# And I am mad
# STD... #
What?!
# You won't own me
# I'm going to the doctor
# Cos I've got... #
"Crabs".
"Lice".
Um, "chlamydia".
# I hate it
when they refer to me as genitals
# Those are the words
For my unmentionables! #
LAUGHTER
"Genital..." "Genital..."
# Ah, my balls have got the blues
# How many more fucking clues?! #
LAUGHTER
"Genital dysfunctions"?
# Can I give to you?! #
LAUGHTER
I don't know! "Genital herpes"!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Congratulations on your herpes!
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
KEITH LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Let's have a fat beat!
AITCH: Fat beat!
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
Oh! Hey! Oh!
# You dirty flying
Feathered fucking rodent
# Landing on my shoulder... #
"Pigeon"! "Pigeon"!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Dirty flying fucking rodent."
# Landed on my shoulder
# Shitting on... #
Yeah...
LAUGHTER
Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up is the Whitmore!
EMILY: Come on, Whitmore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK, yeah. Yeah.
OK, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's have a dirty beat.
OK.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# I'm so hungry
Hungry, hungry, hungry
# Yo, yo, yo, yo
# OK, so, I'm a turkey
And I like to munch
# Got to get this big cock
Ready for some lunch
# Everybody wants done
# So you gibble-di-gobble
Gibble-di-gobble-gobble... #
LAUGHTER
# Gibble-di-gobble,
Gibble-gobble... #
RAYE: What is that?
# What do you say?
# Gibble-di-gobble,
Gibble-di-gobble-gobble... #
Who said that?
# I'm like a cock
But I really want to munch... #
"Cookie Monster"!
# Something that's tasty
# For my lunch
# Gibble-di-gobble... #
Everybody!
# Gibble-di-gobble... #
Gibble-di-gobble! #
LAUGHTER
# Second word, a turkey goes... #
"Gobbler". "Knob gobbler".
Yes!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLARES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Knob gobbler". "Knob gobbler".
"Knob-Knob-Knob gobbler".
LAUGHTER
As the scores at the end
of that round are... sha-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: What's Rappenin'
On The Countdown Set, motherfucker!
Yeah, boy!
Raye, as a successful pop star,
I expect you go to a lot
of nightclubs, don't you?
Yeah. You get invited to them,
don't...? Sometimes.
I opened a club a little while ago.
What was it called?
It's called...
You're not allowed to mention it.
It's called Scotch Egg Club.
Scotch Egg Club.
Anyway, it's a really cool club.
Would you like to come to the club?
Please come to the club.
It's called Scotch Egg Club.
ANNOUNCER: The Scotch Egg Club!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MAN: Don't fucking talk about it!
Johnny and Rachel,
welcome to the Scotch Egg Club.
Three rules. You mustn't talk
about Scotch Egg Club.
You mustn't talk about
Scotch Egg Club. Third rule.
LAUGHTER
You... You...
You must buzz in when
you see a mini-snack egg, yes?
But not a big one,
cos then... they're wrong.
LAUGHTER
You're "Scotch", you're "Egg".
I'm going to go inside.
I know the secret code, OK?
Enjoy yourselves.
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
LAUGHTER
This is what you're looking for.
OK.
Good luck with your business.
All right.
LAUGHTER
Can we just move the bairn
out of the way. Right.
We're ready. It's grand.
Away. Here we go.
MUSIC: 'Wrecking Ball'
by Miley Cyrus
That's it. You've done it.
All right?
CHATTER, MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
So, where are you going?
Are you going anywhere?
Well, I was thinking
of going to Benidorm. Benidorm.
Did you used to watch
the telly programme Benidorm?
Oh, yeah, it's rubbish, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
I used to like it
till that man was in it. Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't like him.
Which man was it?
You know the man.
Is that Johnny Vegas? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Just doing a bit of painting there.
When I do painting,
I don't really like to use paint.
I don't use no paint,
but it looks like I'm painting.
What it's going to be is an NFT.
You know, a non-fungible token,
one of them things.
Yeah, I've almost finished.
Yes, just that bit there,
and I think I've finished, really.
LAUGHTER
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
No! Way too big.
They're big ones, you dick-face.
LAUGHTER
CHAINSAW BUZZES
RACHEL'S BUZZER: Egg!
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Fuck off!
I can't believe I'm this involved!
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: 'Cheeky Song'
by The Cheeky Girls
# We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
# You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys
# We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
# You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys. #
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch! Scotch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KLAXON
ANNOUNCER: The Scotch Egg Club!
MAN: Don't fucking talk about it!
Aitch and Raye,
welcome to The Scotch Egg Club.
First rule of Scotch Egg Club,
we do not talk
about Scotch Egg Club.
LAUGHTER
It's not a laughing matter.
What are you laughing for?
LAUGHTER
What is the game called?
Scotch Egg Club!
No, we don't mention it!
LAUGHTER
Aitch, what's your buzzer?
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Raye, what's yours?
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
You're "Scotch", you're "Egg", yeah?
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg.
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Silence!
LAUGHTER
Buzz in when you see
the snack egg, yeah?
I'm going to go inside there now,
look for another secret code.
So, I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
Word to your mum.
HE LAUGHS
"Word to your mum!"
LAUGHTER
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
LAUGHTER
Best of luck with your business.
LAUGHTER
HE MOANS
POPPING SOUND
Ah!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Shut up!
You ain't my mother!
Yes, I am!
EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
Was it there?
Yeah!
# Tragedy
# When the feeling's gone
And you can't go on
# It's tragedy... #
Do you see...?
# When the morning cries
and you don't know why
# It's hard to bear
# With no-one to love you
You're going nowhere... #
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
I don't get... Doesn't matter.
LAUGHTER
Slow down, you ginger bitch!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Slow down, you ginger... Oh!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg!
Slow it down.
I'm going to ride you
all the way home.
You know I've got two of them
coming up on the side.
People hear me coming
from the north all the way...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SHE WAILS
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch! Scotch!
You fucking bastard!
It's just below her...
You did this to me! Argh!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg!
Aw!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
I said it!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
No, I did!
It's a little baby one, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Little baby.
Don't eat it, though.
I love you.
She didn't say it back.
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'
by ABBA
BOTH: # Knowing me, knowing you
# Ah-ha
# There is nothing we can do
# Knowing me, knowing you
# Ah-ha
# We just have to face it
This time, this time
# We're through
# Ah-ha! #
# Breaking up is never easy! #
KLAXON
Well done, Aitch and Raye.
You won some points. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Why didn't you press it?
The scores at the end
of that round are... sha-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're going to an ad break.
We'll see you after it.
Coming up after t'break...
SHE MOANS ORGASMICALLY
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL MOAN
Ooh!
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to
the final part of Celebrity Juice.
Shall we fucking 'ave it?!
CHEERING
Shall we fucking 'ave it?!
Let's fucking 'ave it!
Yes, it's the buzzer round,
but this time,
because we've got Rachel here,
it's a special Countdown
buzzer round.
Let's play it.
ANNOUNCER: The buzzer round!
MAN: Sponsored by intelligence
with a sprinkle of Countdown.
Oh, OK.
Emily, what's your buzzer this week?
EMILY'S BUZZER: ASAP!
It's just some letters, innit,
Aitch?
LAUGHTER
Laura, what's your buzzer this week?
LAURA'S BUZZER: Conas ata tu?
Ta me go maith. It-tippi-poppu-toto.
LAUGHTER
It's some Irish stuff.
Because you're Irish.
LAUGHTER
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in any way.
Emily, solve
this special Countdown conundrum.
LAUGHTER
Ah! But, oh...
I feel like
it's the most obvious thing ever,
but it probably won't be that.
"Blowjob".
Um, no, it's not, actually.
Oh, fuck off!
The answer was "bowl-job".
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
A point for the first person
to get the answer
to this maths equation
out of Aitch, Raye, Emily and Laura.
KEITH READS EQUATION
CONTESTANTS TALK OVER EACH OTHER
138 times two...
Buzz in when you know the answer.
Special Countdown buzzer round. Hey!
LAUGHTER
Time's up. I'm going to Rachel.
EMILY'S BUZZER: FU! DIY!
Rachel, what was it?
6-9.
69. That's correct.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A point to Aitch and Johnny
if they illustrate a 69
in its physical format,
i.e. - doing a 69 onstage.
Come on, mate.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAURA: Yeah! Come on!
Be gentle.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Look at the desire in Johnny's eyes.
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
MUSIC: 'You Sexy Thing'
by Hot Chocolate
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
Aitch, make it look like a nine.
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND WOLF-WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Aitch and Johnny, everyone.
Go back to your team.
A point for Rachel
if she can spell "Aitch"
on her board here.
Oh, I...
I think that...
Oh, let's have a look.
No. It's incorrect.
LAUGHTER
GROANING, BUZZER
LAUGHTER
A point to the team
who gives us the sexiest orgasm
on the final beat
of the Countdown clock.
EMILY'S BUZZER: HMRC!
END OF COUNTDOWN SONG PLAYS
SHE MOANS ORGASMICALLY
Oh... Oh! Ahh!
Oh... Ah-ah-ah!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Huh, huh, huh!
Right, Laura's team, you're next.
Can we do it in harmony?
You can do, yeah.
Can I get the girls involved?
END OF COUNTDOWN SONG PLAYS
THEY ALL MOAN ORGASMICALLY
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Ohh!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done.
A point to Aitch
if you can rap like a crying baby.
GARAGE BEAT PLAYS
# Wah... #
LAUGHTER
# Wah
# Wah-wah, wah
# Wah... #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Emily, I've got a maths equation
for you.
If you're in a cab
and it leaves Central London
at 1am travelling 30mph
and travels for 45 minutes,
at what point in the journey
do you try it on with the cabbie?
LAUGHTER
All right, two minutes.
Yeah, that's correct.
LAUGHTER
A point for Rachel
if she can sing the chorus
of Europe's The Final Countdown.
Oh, God.
You've got this, girl.
MUSIC: 'The Final Countdown'
by Europe
# I guess there is no-one to blame
# We're leaving the ground... #
AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER
# Will things ever be
the same again? #
Rachel!
ALL: # It's the final countdown! #
Whoo!
# Dah-da-da, dah-dah!
# Da-da-dah, dah
# Dah-da-da, da-da...! #
Can't stop her!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Rachel.
Well done.
KLAXON
Oh!
There it was. I've run out
of questions at the right time.
That was the buzzer.
That's the end of the special
buzzer round, the Countdown round.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow. Wicked time. Wicked time.
I can tell you that
the winning team tonight is...
Ooh!
Rachel's first time you've been on,
haven't you?
First time.
Raye, you've been on twice.
You've been on twice,
and you know what?
You haven't won! It's Emily's team!
Yay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Good luck with your business.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Good 4 U'
by Olivia Rodrigo
# Well, good for you,
You look happy and healthy
# Not me, if you ever cared
To ask... #
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG AND CHEER
# Good for you, you're doing great
Out there without me, baby
# God, I wish that I could do that
I've lost my mind
# I've spent the night
Crying on the floor of my bathroom
# But you're so unaffected
I really don't get it
# But I guess good for you
# Well, good for you
You look happy and healthy
# Not me, if you ever cared to ask
# Good for you, you're doing great
Out there without me, baby
# God, I wish that I could do that
# I've lost my mind
I've spent the night
# Crying on the floor
Of my bathroom
# But you're so unaffected
I really don't get it... #
MUSIC: 'Sexy And I Know It'
by LMFAO
Sexy pigs! Hurrah for love!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They're all getting off
with each other here.
It's a sexy show.
It's a very sexy show.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm sexy.
Let's meet our sexy team captains.
First up, it's sexy Emily Atack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sexy pig! Who's on your team?
So, to my right,
what happens in Vegas,
stays in Vegas.
He's my comedy hero, and hopefully
tonight, my drinking buddy.
It's Johnny Vegas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey!
Yes!
And to my left,
who's ready for a bit
of prime time grime?
That's the first time
I've ever said that in my life.
It's Aitch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Let's meet our other team captain.
Ooh, she's sexy!
It's Laura Whitmore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sexy pig!
Laura, who's on your team?
Well, Keith, to my left,
she's our ray of sunshine.
Give it up for Raye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, she's a ray of sunshine
and her name is Raye! Yes!
And to my right,
she's the sexiest thing
to happen to numbers since the 69.
Please welcome, for the first time
on this show, Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A, B, C, D, E, F, G...
Aitch, everyone!
MUSIC: '5, 6, 7, 8'
by Steps
Got the wrong tune.
That's the other H.
That's...
LAUGHTER
It's Aitch, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Tragedy'
by Steps
That's the wrong one.
That's the wrong one.
That's the wrong one.
It's Aitch, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Deeper Shade Of Blue'
by Steps
Sorry about that.
Sorry, I told them.
It's the wrong one!
It's the wrong one!
It's Aitch, everyone.
NO MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, they hadn't got your song.
LAUGHTER
We've got some videos
of your videos.
Let's have a look
at some of Aitch's videos.
# Everybody, clap your hands... #
LAUGHTER
# Get up and dance
# We're gonna stomp
All night now... #
Stop, stop, stop.
Do you know the man
who's pressing the buttons
for the video and the songs,
does he know who Aitch is?
They've got it, they've got it.
They've got your video.
# Everybody get up, singing... #
LAUGHTER
# One, two, three, four... #
That's... That's not Aitch.
That's J from Five.
LAUGHTER
That's J.
So, for anyone
who doesn't know Aitch music,
how would you describe Aitch music,
then?
Is it grime?
Not any more. Used to be.
Used to be. Oh, used to be?
Yeah. What is it now?
It's just rap. Just rap?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we've got one of your songs.
You've got a new single here
that's got just rapping on it.
Here it is.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
This is out now.
Baby. What's the message?
Baby. It's about a relationship.
With a baby?
With... No.
LAUGHTER
No. Uh...
LAUGHS
No, it's about a girl and a boy -
me, I'm the boy. Yeah.
And we're in a relationship,
and I'm busy,
I'm trying to work,
trying to achieve my goals.
Yeah. But she's fuming because
I don't have enough time for her,
and we're trying to make it work
and it doesn't end up working.
And you don't have a baby.
No.
LAUGHTER
How did you get the name Aitch?
My real name is Harrison.
Because we're Northern, we don't
pronounce the H-aitch the way...
Susie Dent does lectures
on this on Countdown.
You can say either, apparently.
People will...
You like letters, don't you?
I've been... I've worked with a few.
Is H the best letter for a rapper?
Is that the best letter,
do you think?
It's...
What's a better letter than H?
It's my first fucking name.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
If I was Jonathan Ross, I guess
I would say, "It's Wachel Wiley!"
But it's not - it's Rachel Riley!
How's it going?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's lovely to have you here.
Thanks for having me.
I think it's your first time
you've ever been here. It is.
I know. You've been on Countdown
for 13 years? Yeah.
Do you ever think,
"Oh, this is it. I'm done.
"I'm done.
I want to do something else"?
I hope not, no.
Sometimes on Countdown,
they spell out naughty words,
don't they?
We've actually got
some pictures of you, Rachel,
with some rude words behind.
I think they're blurred out.
I'll give you a point for your team
if you can guess those words. OK.
Let's have a look at the first one.
I can't really see...
No, cos they're blurred out.
That's the point of the game.
LAUGHTER
Uh, it could be...
RAYE: Looks like it's "I-N-G".
.."wanking", or "todgers".
"Wanking" or "todgers".
LAUGHTER
Which one are you going for?
Let's go for "todgers".
"Todger".
Let's see if it's "todger".
LAUGHTER
"Bumhole"! "Bumhole"!
BUZZER
Ah!
It is actually real.
Here's the next one. Let's have
a look. OK. I like this game.
Um...
"Creampie".
"Cream pies",
if you're watching, Mum.
LAUGHTER
LAURA: It might be "creampie".
"Erection"! "Erection"!
"Erection".
You think it's "erection"?
"Erection", my final answer.
Let's have a look.
I think it's "erection".
It was "erection"!
Yeah! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, what's this one?
Look at Rachel's face in this one!
LAUGHTER
It's gotta be a nasty one.
Look, she's even tied
her fingers in a knot.
Eugh!
Fucking hell.
This is a dirty one.
It's eight letters.
RAYE: "Orgasm".
"Orgasm"?
I'm going for "orgasm".
"Orgasm". Let's have a look.
"Squirter"!
BUZZER
LAUGHTER
"Squirter".
What's been the nastiest word,
or one of your favourite
naughtiest words?
The thing about Countdown is
that most of the words,
they've got, like, a perfectly
reasonable daytime meaning... Yeah.
..and then one of these examples
is "tarmacked".
AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS
"Tarmacked"? What does that mean?
Someone knows what "tarmacked" is.
It's the worst thing
I've ever heard of.
LAUGHTER
You know golden showers?
When you piss on someone?
Mm. It's the brown version.
AUDIENCE GROAN
And the reason is...
So, you poo on them?
The reason it's called tarmacking
is cos then you paint a white line
down the middle.
AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH
Where do you get the paint from?
LAUGHTER
A special kind of pen.
LAUGHTER
Hang on. I'm sorry...
No, no, no, no, no. I saw you
last time you were on the show.
You shit on someone and then...
If I'm tarmacking...
Don't do it!
I'm not going to do it!
LAUGHTER
..I've got to, like,
let it out slowly and go like that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You're watching Celebrity Juice.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what, hooray! It's Raye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back, Raye.
We always have a laugh, don't we?
We do. Yeah.
I often leave with a little bit
of piss in my underwear.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Since you were last on,
you were nominated for two Brits,
weren't you? Mm-hm. Yeah.
How many did you win?
I didn't win any.
What?!
Are you fucking joking?
No, but it's OK.
There's next times, like... Yeah.
Being nominated is pretty cool.
It's my lifelong dream. Yeah.
I've been recognised four times now.
That's insane.
Yeah. What, in your life?
LAUGHTER
I tell you what, why don't you just
lie and go, "Yeah, I fucking won"?
LAUGHTER
How many Brits did you win?
Two.
You won two, didn't you?
MUSIC: 'All I Do Is Win'
by DJ Khaled
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SHE LAUGHS
You've got your own line of lingerie
out at the moment.
I actually do, yeah.
Yeah. Tell us about it.
It's a collection I designed
with a brand called Dorina,
and I designed it, like...
Oh, proper?
..sketches...
Did you? It's gone really well,
actually. Really proud of that.
We've got a picture of you
in the lingerie,
but I tell you what, Aitch,
put that blindfold on.
Don't want you blowing your beans.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
AUDIENCE WHOOP
You've got your own lingerie out,
have you, Johnny?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Two circles cut out
of a donkey jacket.
LAUGHTER
We've got a picture
of your lingerie.
Oh, shut up. No, you haven't.
There you are.
LAUGHTER
That's so good!
Here's Johnny!
It's Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Always lovely to see
your happy, smiley face.
Last time he was on,
he drank some bin juice
and a block of butter,
only for one point for his team.
LAUGHTER
I shat for a week the wrong way.
LAUGHTER
That's dedication.
No, I did it for extra points,
and I drank about three pints
of tuna brine.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
And I actually...
I weed out of my bum.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Hey, Laura, you know
that I know Danny Dyer/Malcolm Smith
in real life.
You know I know him?
Yeah, you mention it all the time.
We hang out.
He talks about acting roles... Yeah.
..and he comes up with formats
for TV shows as well.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He gave me an idea for a game show
he wants us to try out here.
What is it?
What is it?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what it is.
ANNOUNCER:
Danny Dyer's The Hole In The Wall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to The Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall!
It's Danny Dyer's Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall.
What's going to happen
is our panellists will come up
to Danny Dyer's Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall and put their mouth in here.
I will put a product
into Danny Dyer's mouth,
which is in the hole in...
AUDIENCE: The!
..wall.
They will give me the ID
of that product
and win a point for their team.
It's so easy.
First up, it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right?
Yeah.
OK, so, all you do is put your mouth
into Danny Dyer's mouth...
Yeah.
..then I will shove something
into it.
All you have to do
is give me the ID.
Say something Danny Dyer would say.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Listen, son,
you muggy little BLEEP...
LAUGHTER
Owight. Owight!
Right, you ready?
For you guys at home,
that's what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS
They just do that, Emily.
They just do that.
Give it to me.
Open your mouth.
GROANING
LAUGHTER
SHE SQUEALS
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
SHE LAUGHS
Is it Marmite?
No, it's not Marmite.
LAUGHTER
Lick your lips.
Oh, um, cream cheese.
Yeah, it's cream cheese!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ready for your next one?
Right.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
Come on then, son.
I'm fucking getting impatient,
you BLEEP.
LAUGHTER
Get your tongue out, then.
Go, "Ah-la-la-la."
Ahh... Ah-ah-ah.
Right, then. Here we go.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Oh, my God. What the fuck is that?
LAUGHTER
Is that...? Lick it.
Oh, my God! It's someone's ear!
LAUGHTER
Whose ear is it, though?
Is that Whitmore's ear?
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She stinks. She stinks of cheese.
Oh!
It stinks.
You can smell the cheese?!
LAUGHTER
I've got it in my nose!
Emily smells rank.
We're no longer making TV.
We're making really niche porn.
LAUGHTER
Emily Atack, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now say something
that Danny Dyer would say.
Fuck off!
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
OK, I'm going to put something
into your mouth
and you have to give me
the ID of that item.
Yeah? And you win a point
for your team.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
LAURA: Come on, Rachel!
That's what it is,
for you guys at home.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, shit.
Are you ready? Open wide.
Like you're singing. Go, "Ahh!"
Ahh!
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS
Don't be a scraper.
No-one likes a scraper.
LAUGHTER
You can't do that!
LAURA: You can't do that
to Rachel Riley!
Is it a banana?
LAUGHTER
It's a banana split!
APPLAUSE
Nice. Mm.
That's it for you, Rachel Riley.
Well done!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
Johnny Vegas, welcome
to Johnny Dyer's The Hole In...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Wall.
First of all, I'd like you to say
something to sound like Danny Dyer.
Give me Danny Dyer.
COCKNEY ACCENT: I was related
to someone who was a king once.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, he was.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
I'm getting out of this,
cos this place looks a bit tasty!
Yeah.
AUDIENCE GROANS
No!
OK, Johnny, here's your first one.
Are you ready?
GROANING
I swear to God, if this is a...
GROANING
It's a dirty fucking mop!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now I'll give you your next one.
GROANING
Oh, that was disgusting.
LAURA: I can't.
No, it wasn't.
No, yeah, it was.
LAUGHTER
Eurgh!
LAUGHTER
JOHNNY RETCHES
I can't. I can't.
CONTINUES RETCHING
Oh!
AUDIENCE GROANS
Fucking...
Shit.
JOHNNY RETCHES
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
What is he...? What is he...?
HE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
Eh?
LAUGHTER
Is this fucking dog food?
LAUGHTER
BUZZER
No, Johnny. It was a bag of sick.
LAUGHTER
I fucking swallowed it.
LAUGHTER
Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
EMILY: Johnny, are you OK?
LAURA: He's going to be sick.
He's going to be sick.
RETCHES
He's going to be sick!
He's going to be sick!
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND LAUGH
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH
LAUGHTER
Johnny!
What are you...?
You promised me no more food.
LAUGHTER
You promised me.
You promised me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... puke-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER:
Danny Dyer's The Hole In The Wall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going for a cup of tea.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break...
# My balls have got the blues
# How many more...? #
Slow down, you ginger...! Oh!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
Yes! Yeah! Whoo!
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
I'm having a lovely time.
Having a lovely time.
Aitch, do you reckon
you're the best rapper here tonight?
100,000...
100,000 percent?
..million percent.
What, even better than Rachel Riley?
She's a wordsmith.
That's her show - words.
Put us to the test.
I will put you to the test.
Let's play...
ANNOUNCER: What's Rappenin'
On The Countdown Set, motherfucker!
Yeah, boy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi.
Welcome to What's Rappenin'...
Yeah, boy!
CHEERING
..On The Set Of Countdown!
What's going to happen is
I'm going to give you a word.
You have to rap about that word,
but don't say it.
Hopefully, your team-mates
will guess what that word is.
Capiche?
Yeah.
Point for your team
for every word they guess.
OK, the first one will be...
Um, uh... B...
It's Aitch! Aitch. Aitch.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yo.
Are you ready? You ready?
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
Right, let's have a dirty beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# Yo, yeah
# I'm on a moped
# Got the cc riding
# On TV
# But Keith be lying
# Yeah
# But you can't go on TV
Without a TV... #
"Licence!" "Licence!"
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
Yeah, you ready?
Yeah, man.
OK, let's have a dirty beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# In the morning
# I like to have a wanky
# But when a girl is there
# I call it... #
Um, "spanking".
Sorry. I won't do...
I'll take away my accent.
LAUGHTER
Just take it away!
So, in the morning...
# Yeah, I like to have a wanky... #
Yeah.
# But when a girl's there
# We call it hanky... #
"Hanky-panky"!
"Hanky-panky"!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can he have that? He said
part of it. He said part of it.
Oh!
No point for that one.
No point for that. What?!
Oh, fuck off! Get out of here!
Because you said "hanky".
But she doesn't understand
my accent. It doesn't matter!
And you're ignoring me
like I'm senile.
LAUGHTER
Aitch, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done.
Good job. Good job.
Next up,
it's Rachel in the hizz-oouse!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
RACHEL: OK.
This'll be easy for you.
You know about words.
You're a wordsmith.
Yeah.
I'm always rapping on Countdown.
You ready for this? No.
LAUGHTER
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK. Good luck.
OK.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# Now listen up, bitches... #
LAUGHTER
RAYE: Yeah.
We're listening.
# If you're a maths honey
# Gonna spit some bars
About geome-tary... #
Yes!
# I've got a shape
With three sides... #
Oh, triangle.
Triangle.
# Three sides... #
Triangle. Threesome.
# Three sides
Two of them are the same... #
Uh... Uh, uh...
# And one is not... #
Uh, not... Uh...
"Isosceles"!
"Isosceles"! Yeah!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Isosceles"!
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK.
Let's have a sick
motherfucking beat, yo!
Oh...
LAUGHTER
COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE PLAYS
Got the Countdown theme now.
# Listen up, guys
# They say size matters... #
Size matters.
# Size matters
# Uh, you know us girls
We like to gossip
# Natter, natter, natter... #
Have a natter.
# Um, but this kind of thing
Is not that cool
# It's when your meat and veg
Is wider than it's tall... #
Oh.
"Chode"! "Chode"! "Chode"!
"Chode"! Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AITCH: That was actually good.
EMILY: You killed that!
Well done, Rachel!
Well done. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, why go to Vegas
when you can bring Vegas here?
It's Johnny Vegas!
Come on, Johnny!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Your word is...
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
God help us.
Fuck off.
LAUGHTER
Let's have a fat beat.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# So, I'm looking down
At two strangers
# Cos I've got something
I can't mention
# But it feels like
A car-rental service.... #
What?!
# It's on my balls
# The twins are bad
# I'm itching, babe
# And I am mad
# STD... #
What?!
# You won't own me
# I'm going to the doctor
# Cos I've got... #
"Crabs".
"Lice".
Um, "chlamydia".
# I hate it
when they refer to me as genitals
# Those are the words
For my unmentionables! #
LAUGHTER
"Genital..." "Genital..."
# Ah, my balls have got the blues
# How many more fucking clues?! #
LAUGHTER
"Genital dysfunctions"?
# Can I give to you?! #
LAUGHTER
I don't know! "Genital herpes"!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Congratulations on your herpes!
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
KEITH LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Let's have a fat beat!
AITCH: Fat beat!
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
Oh! Hey! Oh!
# You dirty flying
Feathered fucking rodent
# Landing on my shoulder... #
"Pigeon"! "Pigeon"!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Dirty flying fucking rodent."
# Landed on my shoulder
# Shitting on... #
Yeah...
LAUGHTER
Johnny Vegas, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up is the Whitmore!
EMILY: Come on, Whitmore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
OK, yeah. Yeah.
OK, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's have a dirty beat.
OK.
HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
# I'm so hungry
Hungry, hungry, hungry
# Yo, yo, yo, yo
# OK, so, I'm a turkey
And I like to munch
# Got to get this big cock
Ready for some lunch
# Everybody wants done
# So you gibble-di-gobble
Gibble-di-gobble-gobble... #
LAUGHTER
# Gibble-di-gobble,
Gibble-gobble... #
RAYE: What is that?
# What do you say?
# Gibble-di-gobble,
Gibble-di-gobble-gobble... #
Who said that?
# I'm like a cock
But I really want to munch... #
"Cookie Monster"!
# Something that's tasty
# For my lunch
# Gibble-di-gobble... #
Everybody!
# Gibble-di-gobble... #
Gibble-di-gobble! #
LAUGHTER
# Second word, a turkey goes... #
"Gobbler". "Knob gobbler".
Yes!
Yes!
AIR HORN BLARES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Knob gobbler". "Knob gobbler".
"Knob-Knob-Knob gobbler".
LAUGHTER
As the scores at the end
of that round are... sha-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: What's Rappenin'
On The Countdown Set, motherfucker!
Yeah, boy!
Raye, as a successful pop star,
I expect you go to a lot
of nightclubs, don't you?
Yeah. You get invited to them,
don't...? Sometimes.
I opened a club a little while ago.
What was it called?
It's called...
You're not allowed to mention it.
It's called Scotch Egg Club.
Scotch Egg Club.
Anyway, it's a really cool club.
Would you like to come to the club?
Please come to the club.
It's called Scotch Egg Club.
ANNOUNCER: The Scotch Egg Club!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MAN: Don't fucking talk about it!
Johnny and Rachel,
welcome to the Scotch Egg Club.
Three rules. You mustn't talk
about Scotch Egg Club.
You mustn't talk about
Scotch Egg Club. Third rule.
LAUGHTER
You... You...
You must buzz in when
you see a mini-snack egg, yes?
But not a big one,
cos then... they're wrong.
LAUGHTER
You're "Scotch", you're "Egg".
I'm going to go inside.
I know the secret code, OK?
Enjoy yourselves.
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
LAUGHTER
This is what you're looking for.
OK.
Good luck with your business.
All right.
LAUGHTER
Can we just move the bairn
out of the way. Right.
We're ready. It's grand.
Away. Here we go.
MUSIC: 'Wrecking Ball'
by Miley Cyrus
That's it. You've done it.
All right?
CHATTER, MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
So, where are you going?
Are you going anywhere?
Well, I was thinking
of going to Benidorm. Benidorm.
Did you used to watch
the telly programme Benidorm?
Oh, yeah, it's rubbish, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
I used to like it
till that man was in it. Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't like him.
Which man was it?
You know the man.
Is that Johnny Vegas? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Just doing a bit of painting there.
When I do painting,
I don't really like to use paint.
I don't use no paint,
but it looks like I'm painting.
What it's going to be is an NFT.
You know, a non-fungible token,
one of them things.
Yeah, I've almost finished.
Yes, just that bit there,
and I think I've finished, really.
LAUGHTER
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
No! Way too big.
They're big ones, you dick-face.
LAUGHTER
CHAINSAW BUZZES
RACHEL'S BUZZER: Egg!
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Fuck off!
I can't believe I'm this involved!
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: 'Cheeky Song'
by The Cheeky Girls
# We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
# You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys
# We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
# You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys. #
JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Scotch! Scotch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KLAXON
ANNOUNCER: The Scotch Egg Club!
MAN: Don't fucking talk about it!
Aitch and Raye,
welcome to The Scotch Egg Club.
First rule of Scotch Egg Club,
we do not talk
about Scotch Egg Club.
LAUGHTER
It's not a laughing matter.
What are you laughing for?
LAUGHTER
What is the game called?
Scotch Egg Club!
No, we don't mention it!
LAUGHTER
Aitch, what's your buzzer?
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Raye, what's yours?
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
You're "Scotch", you're "Egg", yeah?
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg.
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Silence!
LAUGHTER
Buzz in when you see
the snack egg, yeah?
I'm going to go inside there now,
look for another secret code.
So, I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
Word to your mum.
HE LAUGHS
"Word to your mum!"
LAUGHTER
HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
LAUGHTER
Best of luck with your business.
LAUGHTER
HE MOANS
POPPING SOUND
Ah!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Shut up!
You ain't my mother!
Yes, I am!
EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
Was it there?
Yeah!
# Tragedy
# When the feeling's gone
And you can't go on
# It's tragedy... #
Do you see...?
# When the morning cries
and you don't know why
# It's hard to bear
# With no-one to love you
You're going nowhere... #
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
I don't get... Doesn't matter.
LAUGHTER
Slow down, you ginger bitch!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
Slow down, you ginger... Oh!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg!
Slow it down.
I'm going to ride you
all the way home.
You know I've got two of them
coming up on the side.
People hear me coming
from the north all the way...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SHE WAILS
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch! Scotch!
You fucking bastard!
It's just below her...
You did this to me! Argh!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg! Egg!
Aw!
AITCH'S BUZZER: Scotch!
I said it!
RAYE'S BUZZER: Egg!
No, I did!
It's a little baby one, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Little baby.
Don't eat it, though.
I love you.
She didn't say it back.
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'
by ABBA
BOTH: # Knowing me, knowing you
# Ah-ha
# There is nothing we can do
# Knowing me, knowing you
# Ah-ha
# We just have to face it
This time, this time
# We're through
# Ah-ha! #
# Breaking up is never easy! #
KLAXON
Well done, Aitch and Raye.
You won some points. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Why didn't you press it?
The scores at the end
of that round are... sha-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're going to an ad break.
We'll see you after it.
Coming up after t'break...
SHE MOANS ORGASMICALLY
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL MOAN
Ooh!
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to
the final part of Celebrity Juice.
Shall we fucking 'ave it?!
CHEERING
Shall we fucking 'ave it?!
Let's fucking 'ave it!
Yes, it's the buzzer round,
but this time,
because we've got Rachel here,
it's a special Countdown
buzzer round.
Let's play it.
ANNOUNCER: The buzzer round!
MAN: Sponsored by intelligence
with a sprinkle of Countdown.
Oh, OK.
Emily, what's your buzzer this week?
EMILY'S BUZZER: ASAP!
It's just some letters, innit,
Aitch?
LAUGHTER
Laura, what's your buzzer this week?
LAURA'S BUZZER: Conas ata tu?
Ta me go maith. It-tippi-poppu-toto.
LAUGHTER
It's some Irish stuff.
Because you're Irish.
LAUGHTER
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in any way.
Emily, solve
this special Countdown conundrum.
LAUGHTER
Ah! But, oh...
I feel like
it's the most obvious thing ever,
but it probably won't be that.
"Blowjob".
Um, no, it's not, actually.
Oh, fuck off!
The answer was "bowl-job".
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
A point for the first person
to get the answer
to this maths equation
out of Aitch, Raye, Emily and Laura.
KEITH READS EQUATION
CONTESTANTS TALK OVER EACH OTHER
138 times two...
Buzz in when you know the answer.
Special Countdown buzzer round. Hey!
LAUGHTER
Time's up. I'm going to Rachel.
EMILY'S BUZZER: FU! DIY!
Rachel, what was it?
6-9.
69. That's correct.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A point to Aitch and Johnny
if they illustrate a 69
in its physical format,
i.e. - doing a 69 onstage.
Come on, mate.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAURA: Yeah! Come on!
Be gentle.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Look at the desire in Johnny's eyes.
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
MUSIC: 'You Sexy Thing'
by Hot Chocolate
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
Aitch, make it look like a nine.
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND WOLF-WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Aitch and Johnny, everyone.
Go back to your team.
A point for Rachel
if she can spell "Aitch"
on her board here.
Oh, I...
I think that...
Oh, let's have a look.
No. It's incorrect.
LAUGHTER
GROANING, BUZZER
LAUGHTER
A point to the team
who gives us the sexiest orgasm
on the final beat
of the Countdown clock.
EMILY'S BUZZER: HMRC!
END OF COUNTDOWN SONG PLAYS
SHE MOANS ORGASMICALLY
Oh... Oh! Ahh!
Oh... Ah-ah-ah!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Huh, huh, huh!
Right, Laura's team, you're next.
Can we do it in harmony?
You can do, yeah.
Can I get the girls involved?
END OF COUNTDOWN SONG PLAYS
THEY ALL MOAN ORGASMICALLY
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Ohh!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done.
A point to Aitch
if you can rap like a crying baby.
GARAGE BEAT PLAYS
# Wah... #
LAUGHTER
# Wah
# Wah-wah, wah
# Wah... #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Emily, I've got a maths equation
for you.
If you're in a cab
and it leaves Central London
at 1am travelling 30mph
and travels for 45 minutes,
at what point in the journey
do you try it on with the cabbie?
LAUGHTER
All right, two minutes.
Yeah, that's correct.
LAUGHTER
A point for Rachel
if she can sing the chorus
of Europe's The Final Countdown.
Oh, God.
You've got this, girl.
MUSIC: 'The Final Countdown'
by Europe
# I guess there is no-one to blame
# We're leaving the ground... #
AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER
# Will things ever be
the same again? #
Rachel!
ALL: # It's the final countdown! #
Whoo!
# Dah-da-da, dah-dah!
# Da-da-dah, dah
# Dah-da-da, da-da...! #
Can't stop her!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Rachel.
Well done.
KLAXON
Oh!
There it was. I've run out
of questions at the right time.
That was the buzzer.
That's the end of the special
buzzer round, the Countdown round.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow. Wicked time. Wicked time.
I can tell you that
the winning team tonight is...
Ooh!
Rachel's first time you've been on,
haven't you?
First time.
Raye, you've been on twice.
You've been on twice,
and you know what?
You haven't won! It's Emily's team!
Yay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Good luck with your business.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Good 4 U'
by Olivia Rodrigo
# Well, good for you,
You look happy and healthy
# Not me, if you ever cared
To ask... #
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG AND CHEER
# Good for you, you're doing great
Out there without me, baby
# God, I wish that I could do that
I've lost my mind
# I've spent the night
Crying on the floor of my bathroom
# But you're so unaffected
I really don't get it
# But I guess good for you
# Well, good for you
You look happy and healthy
# Not me, if you ever cared to ask
# Good for you, you're doing great
Out there without me, baby
# God, I wish that I could do that
# I've lost my mind
I've spent the night
# Crying on the floor
Of my bathroom
# But you're so unaffected
I really don't get it... #