Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - Episode #13.1 - full transcript
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these
are me titles. Plush or what?
There's Holly Willough-booby coming out
of a giant clam, still got them bangers!
There's Fearne with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me!
And there's Gino D'Acampo
with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven but don't
worry, we're not dead.
It's just a metaphor for
how brilliant the show is.
We're still here to make the
best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
Celebrity Juice on t'telly. HD ready.
Yes!
Whooo!
Hi!
I'm Keith Lemon. Welcome
back to the first
of a new series of
Celebrity Juice.
I could talk for ages
but let's meet our
team captains...
F-f-f...
Fuck off.
Let's meet our first
team captain.
She's up the duff.
It's Fearne Cotton.
Fearne, who is on your team?
Who is on my team?
On my left...
it's Jimmy Carr.
And on my right
he is reem, it's Joey Essex.
Let's meet our other
team captain.
She's had a tiny baby and now
she's back, she's boozing,
yes, it's Holly Willough-boozy.
Anyone want a drink?
Drinking in the park with
your brown paper bag.
That's not water, is it? No.
No, it's wine.
You're a mucky whore.
Who is on your team, Holly?
Tonight on my team, on my left,
the queen of the Strictly
Come Dancing dance floor.
It's the beautiful
Caroline Flack.
And on my right...
I actually... I
haven't got anyone.
Why haven't you got anyone?
I don't know.
It's just an empty seat.
Well, on my left
I have the funny man from Small
Britain, it's Matt Lucas.
And on my right I
have an old tramp.
It's Bob Geldof.
Gino, what are you doing?
What do you mean,
what I am doing?
Why are you sat behind
a cardboard box
with a balloon with
a face drawn on it
and a bush with a wig on?
That's my team.
Because I'm the
kapitan of my team.
You're not a kapitan.
You know last series, Gino,
you were just filling in for
Holly because she had a baby
and wanted a rest and wanted
to put her boobs in its mouth.
You're not a kapitan.
You're a chef.
Awww.
Can I offer you maybe
a vice-captain position?
I've made you a
really special chair.
I don't want to be a vice-captain.
I want to be a captain.
You're telling me you'd rather
sit behind a cardboard box
with a balloon and a bush than
sit next to a lovely woman?
With an Italian flag.
Which one? They are both lovely.
One is better looking
than the other...
Ooh!
One has got huge knockers
which is...
is my kind of stuff. The
other one has big nostrils.
I've actually got big knockers
at the moment as well.
She got dem milk trucks, boy.
Oh, yeah.
Can you make cappuccinos
with those?
Vice-captain Gino D'Acampo.
Fearne Cotton. Let me
just congratulate you
on being pregnant again.
Thank you.
That is the second time
you've beaten science.
Yeah.
Her first photo shoot
of her being pregnant.
For god's sake.
♪ Caroline Flack, it's
nice to have you back
Caroline, congratulations on
Strictly Come Dancing. Thank you.
She won.
It was so good.
In fact, she made history.
You're the only finalist
to get 120 points. Yeah.
How did that make you feel? It
was a really intense experience.
I didn't think it would overtake
my emotions but it did.
It's the best thing I've ever done. Did
you get together with your dance
are me titles. Plush or what?
There's Holly Willough-booby coming out
of a giant clam, still got them bangers!
There's Fearne with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me!
And there's Gino D'Acampo
with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven but don't
worry, we're not dead.
It's just a metaphor for
how brilliant the show is.
We're still here to make the
best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
Celebrity Juice on t'telly. HD ready.
Yes!
Whooo!
Hi!
I'm Keith Lemon. Welcome
back to the first
of a new series of
Celebrity Juice.
I could talk for ages
but let's meet our
team captains...
F-f-f...
Fuck off.
Let's meet our first
team captain.
She's up the duff.
It's Fearne Cotton.
Fearne, who is on your team?
Who is on my team?
On my left...
it's Jimmy Carr.
And on my right
he is reem, it's Joey Essex.
Let's meet our other
team captain.
She's had a tiny baby and now
she's back, she's boozing,
yes, it's Holly Willough-boozy.
Anyone want a drink?
Drinking in the park with
your brown paper bag.
That's not water, is it? No.
No, it's wine.
You're a mucky whore.
Who is on your team, Holly?
Tonight on my team, on my left,
the queen of the Strictly
Come Dancing dance floor.
It's the beautiful
Caroline Flack.
And on my right...
I actually... I
haven't got anyone.
Why haven't you got anyone?
I don't know.
It's just an empty seat.
Well, on my left
I have the funny man from Small
Britain, it's Matt Lucas.
And on my right I
have an old tramp.
It's Bob Geldof.
Gino, what are you doing?
What do you mean,
what I am doing?
Why are you sat behind
a cardboard box
with a balloon with
a face drawn on it
and a bush with a wig on?
That's my team.
Because I'm the
kapitan of my team.
You're not a kapitan.
You know last series, Gino,
you were just filling in for
Holly because she had a baby
and wanted a rest and wanted
to put her boobs in its mouth.
You're not a kapitan.
You're a chef.
Awww.
Can I offer you maybe
a vice-captain position?
I've made you a
really special chair.
I don't want to be a vice-captain.
I want to be a captain.
You're telling me you'd rather
sit behind a cardboard box
with a balloon and a bush than
sit next to a lovely woman?
With an Italian flag.
Which one? They are both lovely.
One is better looking
than the other...
Ooh!
One has got huge knockers
which is...
is my kind of stuff. The
other one has big nostrils.
I've actually got big knockers
at the moment as well.
She got dem milk trucks, boy.
Oh, yeah.
Can you make cappuccinos
with those?
Vice-captain Gino D'Acampo.
Fearne Cotton. Let me
just congratulate you
on being pregnant again.
Thank you.
That is the second time
you've beaten science.
Yeah.
Her first photo shoot
of her being pregnant.
For god's sake.
♪ Caroline Flack, it's
nice to have you back
Caroline, congratulations on
Strictly Come Dancing. Thank you.
She won.
It was so good.
In fact, she made history.
You're the only finalist
to get 120 points. Yeah.
How did that make you feel? It
was a really intense experience.
I didn't think it would overtake
my emotions but it did.
It's the best thing I've ever done. Did
you get together with your dance