Celebrity Ex on the Beach (2014–2020): Season 6, Episode 3 - Episode #6.3 - full transcript

Let the fun commence.

'Ex On The Beach is back.'

'Eight new unsuspecting singles
are looking for love.'

'But what they don't know is

there are more exes
than ever before.'

My arse fell out of my shorts.
You cheated on me!

Stop acting the fucking big man!

You are my best friend
and I wouldn't do that to you!

'And they're flying in
from everywhere.'

(cheering)

'Some exes want romance.'



I do really, really love him.

'Some want revenge.'

(screaming)
Let go now!

No-one fucking likes you!
See you later.

'And others just want
to wreck the gaff.'

(shattering)

That'll be someone's head.

'As always, the Tablet of Terror
is topping up the torment.'

It's gonna be fireworks.
'Causing misery.'

(crying)

You will never, ever
have me ever again.

'Mayhem.'
Fucking dickhead.

(screaming)

'And madness.'



'It's gonna get explosive.'

You fucking what?

'Four exes have already arrived.'

'Whose...'

Slag, slag, slag, slag, slag.

'...ex...'

'...is...'

'...next?'

My heart is breaking.

It takes someone really special
to come along

and get me to open up.
It was nice to get time with her.

Have a little proper chat.

Get a little bit deep,
yeah, have a little kiss.

This morning, I've woken up
and I'm feeling emotionally drained.

I feel bad about
what I'm doing to Ross,

but at the same time,
I still fancy Jack.

It is nice to have him here.

How do you feel, though?

(exhales loudly)

I made a mistake by letting Jack
take her off my hands.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

Why was I such a dick last night?

I should have acted differently,
it could have been different.

I still love her, like.
Of course I love her.

I wanna win her back.

It is absolutely over
between me and Alex.

Sean's mine now and we can't
keep our hands off each other.

Sex with Zahida was boring.

I'm keeping my options open.
I will go back there,

but I'm also gonna look elsewhere.

I woke up this morning
and I was alone,

but there's a lot
of fanciable guys in the house.

I love boys. I love cock.
Big cock, small cock.

I am absolutely gagging.

'Eloquently put, Maisie.'

'Luckily, the Tablet of Terror
has sent them to find some action.'

'At, where else? The water park!'

Fucking love water parks.

Finally time to get wet.

I love a wet tunnel. Oi, oi!

'While the others
are busy getting wet,

Josh is getting to the bottom of what
happened with Jack and Harriette.'

So, obviously, you and Harriette
went to the penthouse?

Yeah, yeah.
We had a little kiss and that.

Fuck off.
She don't regret what happened.

The ship sailed mate,
crack on with someone else.

How do you feel about me
having a chat with Harriette?

Mate, have a little chat with her.
I know how we stand.

It's time to get her back.
Do you know what? It's game on.

(laughs)

Ross likes the taste
of custard pie, I think.

He's already had one in his face.

So, if he wants another one,
let him crack on.

I love Sean's face. And his dick.

I can literally look at his willy,
even if he's wearing shorts

and he gets a stiffy.

I just wanna spend my time with you.

That's what I wanted
from the start anyway.

Now it's happening,
I couldn't be happier.

I'm not looking for anything serious.
I need to distance myself.

I'm not gonna call you my girlfriend

and I don't want it to get too much,
cos things are gonna change.

Him saying that
makes me want him more.

I want to know your postcode
and you won't tell us.

If Zahida ever finds out my postcode,

I'm gonna get witness protection
when I get out.

You revealed last night
you live in Coventry.

That narrows it down.
I'm moving, though.

(laughs)

I think he's a bit scared of us.

The plan for us tonight is to get
him drunk and find where he lives.

(laughs)

What do you think's
gonna happen, like,

when your exes come in, though?

I'll take a step back from you.
As long as can sleep next to you.

She's fucking nuts. She's a psycho.

You might have to sleep
next to my ex-girlfriend as well.

Fuck her.

He's mine now.

Sean's me new boyfriend.

'Zahida looks like she's becoming
a thorn in Sean's side,

but that will be the least of
his worries as the villa overgrows

with exes coming for revenge.'

'Whose ex is next?'

No-one's cried...

We're all just on a good...
No tears today.

(tablet dings)

Does that ever stop going off,
that little shit?

Why don't you fuck off
Tablet of Terror?

Hello, everyone,
now that you're all wet,

it's an ideal time for a date.

Alex and Alice, it's time for you
to talk it through by candlelight.

Get in!
She looks happy.

I hate him.

Like, it's been playing on my mind,

have you made a choice,
or had a thought about these two

and what you're gonna do?

I know that's...
But it's been on my mind.Wow.

Made a choice?
I ain't a fucking choice.

Shut up, you pleb. This ain't
got nothing to do with you.

She's with Jack,
so let her get on with it.

Like, I genuinely don't want
to talk about my situation. At all.

No-one ask me any questions.
I'm so serious right now.

I'm serious.

So, do you just not know yourself?
Just leave her. Let her eat.

Don't have a crack at me.
What are you two? Friends?

Are you gonna be
rumping every night?

There's other girls.
Other girls that could come in.

Keeping your options firmly open?

Sean is single. Do I give a fuck
if Zahida goes mental? No. I don't.

Basically, can I crack on, or not?
Ooh.

What did she say?

Sean's a good looking guy,
I fancy...

You still do. You fancy everyone.

I'm sick of her trying
to steal Sean away from us.

Get out me life, get out me face,
get off the Earth!

That's how I feel about Maisie.

Yeah, so shut your eyes.
Ooh. Ooh.

I'm single. If I wanna
fancy another girl, I can.

I've told Zahida from day one
that we're cracking on.

What's the fucking problem?

'With Alex hoping
to make amends with Alice,

will he be able to find the words
to woo her back?

You're a lovely girl,
you're not a slag.

'I didn't think so.'

I love who you are as a person,
how nice you are...

Why's it taken you
three years to realise that?

Is it because you love yourself
more than anyone else?

Could be that.

I can't take him seriously.

You say such serious things, like,
"I love you", "I wanna marry you".

I do.
But at the same time...

...there's another girl
behind closed doors. In our bed!

(laughs)

I don't wanna be with you.

How can a person...
You do.

Point blank, I don't love you.

Alex, right? Valentine's day,

you asked a girl out, who I know,
for a date.

I was in your bed.

Do you know, right?
Like, I love her to pieces.

You know, I'm not gonna lie,
every time I saw her I was ecstatic.

He's horrible.

You dunno what love is.

You make me angry. I hate you.

You're a horrible, horrible,
manipulative, controlling freak.

Chill out, please.

I'd rather date a rock than you,

cos I've got more
to talk about with a rock.

You're not like this.

I am so done with Alex. So done.

More food for me.

Cheers.

No arguments.

(laughs)

Never have I ever had a threesome.

I'm fucking shit at this game,
I ain't done fuck all.

Never have I ever faked an orgasm.

Yep. Cheers girls!

I shoot after five minutes anyway.
(laughs)

I know a secret.

Someone kissing behind the slide
today at the waterpark.

And I love to get
that big wooden spoon out.

Never have I ever
kissed anyone at a waterpark.

(laughter)

(laughs) This is awkward.

Who've you kissed
at the waterpark then?

Great question, Josh. Cheers.

She's a bit of a bullshitter,
do you know what I mean?

I am actually lost for words.

They kissed at the water park?
I mean, what the hell is going on?

Do you have any emotions about this?
Nah, mate. Sweet.

It is what it is.

Sweet, babe.
Yeah, don't worry. Crack on.

So fucking awkward.

It's no skin off my back.

To be fair, I did say...
Listen, it's not skin off my back.

It's very muggy what they done.

I put trust in someone
and then they go and do that.

Can I just say, it's not like we run
behind a fucking slide and snogged.

It wasn't like that.
I was upset, he gave me hug

and he looked at me
and I looked at him and we kissed.

Jack. Ross. Jack. Ross.
You know what? Fuck it.

All he's done is told me
that he cares about me.

I could tell my fucking dog
that I care about it. It's bullshit.

I need to get some action, cos it
feels like my bollocks are swelling.

Come here, kid. Come here.

(laughter)

Fuck off, mate.
I don't want to shag you.

Come here. Come on, gal.

Come here, son.

I tell you what,
she took that tongue well.

I don't give a fuck, like, I like the
girl, but she can do what she wants.

(laughter)

Sean and Maisie pops up.

Zahida's face drops.

You couldn't have wrote this.

Maisie's the only girl
who wants to sit on my dick.

It's a game.

Do you want a drink in your face?
I don't wanna look like a psycho.

For God's sake, girl.
Keep your chill.

(cheering, laughter)

What you laughing at?

Cos I'm not a psycho, maybe.

You've not had a reason
to go psycho over anyone,

cos you're fucking disgusting.
Inside and out.

What the fuck
are you fucking laughing at?

Who fucking cares
about your opinion?

Grow the fuck up.

Fuck off!

I'm fucking sick of your shit.

Maisie is fucking buzzing right now.

I'm not gonna let that
last very long.

I'm not gonna back down,
what the fuck am I?

A virgin? No, I'm a fucking Geordie.

That doesn't happen to us.
I don't fucking lose.

Thank you, guys. Cheers to not being
a fucking psycho.

Fuck off!

I ain't into this shit.
I don't like aggressive girls.

It's getting a bit much, isn't it?

That's embarrassing, man.

Fucking sick of that fucking cunt.

You already had my ex, didn't you?

See ya later. I fucking enjoyed it.

I fucking enjoyed it.

That is the one person who's been
bothering me in the house.

I'm fucking livid!

He's fucking got with Maisie
and Maisie got with my ex and...

Fuck's sake.
I don't want to do this.

I'm getting really wound up
about the situation.

Fuck off!

Calm your shit.
No!

The way Zahida's acting
is absolutely out of order.

You're being an idiot.
I don't care.

Why are you so live?
I'm not, though.

I'm embarrassed. I really am.

I've proper had enough of Zahida
going off the hook.

You're gone. Game over. Bye, bye.

(crying)

I don't give a fuck.

Sean, if you think you can
end things with me now,

you are very fucking wrong.

After an unsuccessful date
to resolve their issues,

Alex and Alice return to the villa.'

'And there's only one question
on everyone's lips.'

One question, did you cry?

I didn't cry.

(laughter, cheering)

Stop being a fucking prick.

I got really emotional
and ended up walking off.

Do you think you could
ever love Alex again? No.

You don't?

You don't know?
No. Just no.

I can't go through
what I went through.

This kid's deluded.
Alice is there like, no chance, kid.

What you gonna do
to try and win her back?

Show that I don't wanna be a prick.

There really isn't a chance at all.

Are you single?
Yeah.

But now I feel like, is there
any point in you being here?

Yeah, cos I wanna get back with her.

Well, that's fucking awkward.

(laughs)

I normally need a nervous poo,
but I think I need an awkward one.

Fucking hell. Awkward!
(laughter)

'Talking of feeling
like a number two...'

I probably should have told Jack,
but I have no regrets kissing Ross.

Ross gives me a hug, shows me
some affection and I feel happy.

Everything between me
and Harriette is sweet now.

She loves me.

You may be smiling now, Ross, but
will that grin be wiped off your face

when the next ex flies in to action?'

'Expect the unexpected.'

(tablet dings)

(shouting)

For fuck's sake, I hope my ex
don't come on that balcony.

Shit.
Listen.

'Hello, everyone.'

'The villa is getting too full.'
(woman) Oh, God.

'It's time to say goodbye to someone.
Josh, the choice is yours.'

Oh, my fucking goodness.

Pick wisely.
It's all right. I know it.

Everyone's shitting themselves.
I'm gonna have a little think.

Shit the fucking bed!

Oh, this is horrible, man.
I really don't like it.

If I'm honest...
Take a deep breathe and think.

(tense music)

Alex, bro, I'm gonna have to
send you home, mate.

Why?
Just the table situation last night.

She's right good-looking as well,
like you said.

Oh, my God.
There's no need to get aggressive.

Sorry, Alex, you have to go home.
Is that a little tear I see?

Fuck off, mate.

Fucking fuck.

It's probably for the best.

He brought this on.
I have no sympathy.

Bye, babes. See you later.

Do you want me to help you pack?
See you later, Alex.

Everyone is well fucking glad
that Alex is going. Great decision.

I used to be a massive geek, until
I got the sweet taste of vagina

and every since then,
I've just been playing girls.

All I wanna do
is talk to fucking Alice.

What do you wanna say to her?

Just tell her I'm sorry.

You're being a great, big,
massive pussy.

I can't wait to see her
and talk to her and chat.

(shouting, cheering)

I still love her.
Of course I love her.

I wanna win her back.

Please don't do this to me, babe.
Please.

I just wanna be with you,
Alice, man, so bad.

I don't wanna be with you.

You're a horrible, horrible,
manipulative, controlling freak.

I can't do it.

I woke up this morning, looked to my
right and there's a little brunette.

It's Harriette.

But I need to clear the air,
find out where she's at,

if she likes Jack, or she's got
feelings for me. I think it is me.

Harriette's a bit like
a hotel, really.

Ross is the guest there at the
minute, but I can get the keys.

I can't help it with Jack.
There is history there.

But I really like Ross and I'm ready
to tell him how I feel.

Zahida's fucking crazy.

She's lobbing glasses
and I can't be arsed.

So, what I'm gonna do is take a step
back and put my intent elsewhere.

Zaralena, dark hair, dark skin,
great body. My type.

I want someone new in here
to have a bit of fun with.

Just bring in another guy. Bring in
some more dick and let me have fun.

'Careful what you wish for, Maisie,

cos the next ex is around the corner
in T minus eight hours.'

'Whose ex is next?'

Maisie, do you wanna chat
before we eat?

Come on then.

The only reason I'm going to
apologise is to impress Sean.

I don't actually mean it. I don't
give a fuck about her feelings.

OK. I'll try and make this as short
as possible, cos I'm starving.

But I just wanted to start by saying
I'm really, really, really sorry.

Fuck me, she's actually apologising.

I had some tension cos I heard
you still want to get with him.

It's bothering us.
I'd never throw a punch at you.

No, cos I'm, like,
five foot a fucking billion.

You wouldn't be able
to reach my face.

I can't really work out whether
Zahida's a broken girl

and I should have sympathy,

or whether she's mad
and brings it on herself.

I'm swaying towards mad
to be honest.

Do you know what I didn't like?
Erm, doing my thing with Sean.

Please be respectful towards that.

I hate her clothes, I hate
her shitty hair extensions,

I hate her belly bar,
I hate her voice,

I hate her accent,
I hate her massive long legs,

I just hate her.

'Ah, best friends.'

Are you joking?

'And it looks like Sean's
making friends of his own.

Are coming on to me?

Like I said, straight away...

(laughs) Awkward as fuck.
But, it's like...

I'm not quite sure what Zara thinks
of me telling her I fancy her.

I genuinely do like him, but he's
already made roots with Zahida.

I dunno, it's a hard one.

Awkward. I'm gonna go and get a
juice on that awkward fucking note.

I don't chase girls, but if Zara's
worth it, I might get a jog on.

'The Tablet of Terror is being nice

and it's sent Ross and Harriette on
a big, fat Greek dancing date.'

Ross looks like Puss in Boots.

What the fuck, mate?

Yes!
Oh, my God.

Amazing.

Hello, guys.
Hiya.

Hey, mate.
Welcome.

What a lovely wedding dress.

That's a wedding dress?
Er, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my fucking God.

(Greek dancing music)

Enough of this Greek dancing.

It's about time I showed 'em
how Essex girls do it.

(club music)

If she dances like that,
what is she gonna have sex like?

Oh, there's that knife again.

Ross is pretty shit at this,
to be honest.

Go on!

(cheers, laughs)

That was a sick date.
Let's get a drink. I need a drink.

I don't want that situation
to happen again.

I wanna let her know how I feel
and see what she's saying.

That one day where I wasn't
really with you, like,

obviously I did miss being around
you and stuff like that.

(giggles)

Like, moving forward now,
I wanna be with you.

I'm, like, 110% gonna be with you.

I am massively falling for him.

To be honest, if Jack kicks off
back at the villa, I don't care.

Right, shall we go get married then?

Now me and Harriette are together,
we need to go to the next level.

I wanna see if I can get into her.
'Ah, romance.'

I'd like to get to know you
and all of us a bit better,

but we never see you,
cos you're so attached to Z.

I ain't attached.
It's Z that's attached.

That's a shock to me, bro.
Really? That is a shock.

Sean's telling me he likes Zaralena,
is he looking for a death wish?

You could try giving her a smooch.

I'm not gonna try that.

Listen,
I'm winding the bobbin up now.

We'll see...
To be honest, that's shocked me,

but do you know what?
My lips are sealed.

Are you fucking sure?

Zahida's gonna go fucking crazy
if she finds out

what Sean's been saying
about cracking on with Zaralena.

Look at the fucking state
of these two!

(laughter, groans)

Harriette and Ross walk in
from their little dancing date...

Ross looks like a knock off
version of Jack Sparrow.

(laughter)

They look like a pair of prats
to be honest.

Right, obviously, Harriette, you've
been confused about the situation,

what's the full crack now?

Yeah, so, we've just decided
that we're getting on really well

and we're pretty serious
about each other, so...

Right, do you want me
to go get my wedding hat?

This is why we're dressed.

Losing to Ross?

It was like swallowing knives
when I heard them announce that.

That's one to me, zero to Jack.

'Not dressed like that, Ross.'

(laughter)

Basically, Harriette's
eyeballing me over the table.

What does she want? She wants
my attention, let's be honest.

It's hard having an ex in the villa.

It's hard having them there staring
at you when you're cracking on.

'Well, Harriette, expect it
to get a whole lot harder

as a massive chopper is on its way.'

The date went well,
we have champagne.

So, everyone's had
a really good day.

I can hear a little
chopping noise going round.

(helicopter propellers)

Oh, my God!

Shit!
Is that a fucking helicopter?

No.
It's turning.

(talking over each other)

What the fucking fuck?

(talking over each other)

(shouting, talking over each other)

I am fucking nervous.
Who the hell is in that helicopter?

Who's it gonna be?

Shit. It's all of Sean's exes.
They're gonna grate my skin off.

(shouting, screaming)

For fuck's sake.

(tense music)

Whose ex is fucking next?

(tense music continues)

I'm fucking sweating.

Oh, my God.

I'm Aaron from Newcastle. You might
recognise us from Geordie Shore.

What I'm known for
is shagging and drinking.

Most men dream about threesomes,

but if I have anything less
than that, it's been a shit night.

I had a foursome on Sunday, actually.

I'm out to shag fit birds.
My loyalties lie right here.

Me dick.

Fuck knows what women love about me,
must be the blue eyes and tattoos.

and my squeaky voice. (laughs)

Finally, a fitty's in the villa.

Hi, you all right?
You all right?

This shit just got interesting!

My fanny is gushing.

Maisie, could you be
anymore desperate?

I can smell you from here.
(retches)

Hi, darling. You all right?

I can see girls,
which is what I wanna see.

And I'm just wondering
which one is my ex.

Who's your ex?

Me.

Maisie's ex? I can crack on, then.

I wasn't really an ex,
it was more of a bang, wasn't it?

We are just a bang, but he's got
a massive cock. He's a great bang.

This has to happen again.

'Aaron's arrival seems to be causing
a storm amongst the girls.'

'Particularly Maisie.'

Fuck me, my fanny
is so fucking dripping.

Aaron makes my fanny gush.

Someone get a wet floor sign, cos I
tell you what, it is slippery here.

I coughed and I basically pissed
out of my fanny hole.

Stop it!
'Delightful.'

'Let's hope Aaron's packed
his wellies.'

Who wants a shot then?

H?

Want a shot, babe?

Harriette's eyeballing me
over the bar.

What the fuck is he all about?
Staring at me and giving me the eye?

Go fuck off and play a game
with someone else. It's boring.

You got one?

We know she's with silly bollocks
cos I gave her no attention.

I can have a little click
and she'll come running.

'Oh, goody, it's question time
around the bar.'

If you could share the penthouse
with anyone, who would it be?

Yeah, you do.

(laughter)

(laughs) Fuck off.

(laughter)

Nicole's got a question.
Chuck it out there.

Sean, who in this villa
do you fancy the most?

(tense music)

Like, I ain't getting involved,

but me, Jack and Sean
was having a conversation earlier...

My lips are sealed.

...and Sean did say the person
he fancies in the house is Zara.

Oops.

Sean doesn't have his eye on me,
he has it for her,

and now he's made us feel
second best.

I feel guilty, but at the same time,
I tried to warn her.

I've got my feelings for Zara.

That was awkward.

Zara!

I've been getting mixed signals.
I wanna know what the crack is.

Zara!

I'm all for girl code. What the fuck
did he think was gonna happen?

Sean's chucked straight
into the friend zone bin.

Anyway, I fancy Aaron.
He's so fucking fit.

'Jack and Ross have cosied up for
a man-to-man chat about Harriette.'

I'll tell you now...

I'll tell you now straight here.

She's been eyeballing me
the whole time.

She was eyeballing me
the whole time we was on the bar.

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

I'm just throwing
a couple of comments out there

just trying to get
into his head a little bit.

I dunno whether to trust Jack
or be wary of him.

I won't beat around the bush, mate.
The thing is...

As much...

He has been pretty straight up, but
at the same time, he lost a bird.

A lot of the girls are in here to
meet someone, have a relationship.

I'm here to have some fun,
spread my legs and chill.

I'll give you the fanny you want.
You want sex? I'm here for it.

Let's be honest, we all know
Maisie wants to fuck me

but I've got my eyes on one girl,
and that is Zaralena.

Corner of my eye I can see Harriette
staring at me the whole night.

Don't fucking start with me, mate.
That ain't fair.

I'm not looking at him.
He's chatting shit and stirring.

I got nothing to wind you up about.

Bollocks, mate.

Jack's saying she won't stop
looking at him, who do I believe?

What's happened here?
I've missed loads.

What's happened?

Nothing.

Jack doesn't get to me at all.

I've not been thinking about him.

He doesn't get to me whatsoever.

I think Jack does get to Harriette
and she gets to Jack.

Why don't you speak up?

As if me and him have got
anything to talk about!

I'm not gonna sit down and have
a chat about what's going on,

cos there is nothing going on.

Come on, mate, like, you fucking...
Oh, don't even start.

Try and stir as much as you want.
How am I?

I thought she was a decent bird
before I come in here.

If you thought I was decent,
you wouldn't have fucked me about.

If you thought I was a decent bird,
you wouldn't have fucked me about.

I do like Harriette, but for some
reason she's acting crazy.

Maybe cos she's got
feelings for Jack.

Everyone's a fucking dickhead
in this house.

'You might think that now,

but there's plenty more dickheads
on their way to mess with your mind.'

'Whose ex is next?'

I don't get why
you'd let it bother you.

Why you making out
that I'm some pathetic bird?

That I'm getting in rows with my ex?

I promised you the whole way
through, if my ex comes in,

nothing would change, but you're
still getting in rows with yours.

She knows how I feel, I know
how she feels. Let it go.

I'm not getting stuck
in this triangle.

He's been trying to stir shit,

cos he's a very fucking clever guy.
Don't rise to it.

No triangle. I'm done.
Me and Ross are cracking on.

We're getting to know each other,
we're happy.

'Yeah, you're really happy.'

'Let's see if Maisie's still
playing hard to get?'

He's got my fanny on tap,
so if he wants it, he can have it.

(laughter)

Tap fanny. On. Off. On.

(laughs) You're a fucking...

(Tablet of Terror dings)
Oh, for fuck's sake.

Tablet of Terror, let's be honest
is a little shit.

"Hello, Aaron. Hope you're having
a nice first night."

"You've had one ride tonight, will
you be lucky enough to get another?"

Yes!

"You and Zaralena
may have the penthouse tonight

to get to know each other
a little bit better."

That's fine. Good.

I've shaved my fucking fanny.
What a fucking waste.

What a fucking waste.

Do you want it?
Yeah.

Not got to know you yet.
Thanks, Tablet of Terror.

What's people saying?
You think she'll put out?Nah.

Cheers. Welcome to the villa.
To the first night.

I hope Aaron's got strength
in his wrists,

cos he's gonna be tugging off on his
own while she's fallen asleep.

(champagne cork pops)

'Sean's put himself to bed alone.'

'Well, that's what he thinks.'

No-one, and I fucking mean no-one,

is getting in the way
of what I fucking want.

And what I fucking want is Sean.

'Zaralena's getting to know
Aaron better.'

Wow.

'With Maisie waiting in the wings.'

'Just in case.'

'And Ross and Harriette
finally bed down together.'

'Under the watchful eye
of Jack, of course.'