Celebrity Ex on the Beach (2014–2020): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript
(cheering)
Ex On The Beach is back.
(cheering)
This time it's all-stars.
Old faces return
for another shot at finding love.
Am I looking for love? Yeah.
They'll have to endure their exes...
I've never felt like this
in my life.
...some will have to deal with
old grudges...
Didn't he finger blast you?Had
more dicks than I've had sun beds.
...and as hard as they try to find
their perfect match...
Right, who wants to finger me?
...standing in their way once again
will be the Tablet Of Terror.
(gasps)
This time it's playing dirty.
Does that tablet wanna get smashed?
I'm cacking myself, big time.
It's going to be hotter
than ever before...
I wanna ride her.
(moaning)
Giddy up, Amy.
...as emotions boil over...
You made me realise there's more
to life than what I was doing.
...tensions run high...
are ya, I fucking dare ya!
Let's fucking go, kid.
...and the claws come out.
To your face, which I'm gonna...
(indistinct arguing/shouting)
They're all two-faced bastards.
As always, they'll never know...
She is the most toxic person
I have ever met.
I did not think that
I was gonna feel like this.
The first returning Ex On The Beach
star needs no introduction.
Why am I back?
Because every beach needs a Bear.
(sound effect "roar")
Rarr!
Unlucky-in-love Bear is back
from series three.
After losing Amy,
Megan and finally Vicky,
this time,
he's hoping for a fairy-tale ending.
I'm still waiting to find Goldilocks
to jump in my bed
and have a little roll around.
That's how the story goes, innit?
Come on, girls.
Fear not, Bear, Jess is here
and she's already riding
a massive banana.
After falling over a lot
in series two,
Jess finally fell for her ex,
the roguish Rogan.
Other girls and Rogan,
there's quite a lot of them.
You look fit.
How are you?
All right?
Last time I was here,
Rogan walked all over me
and I looked like a sap...
Wow, you look nice, you look nice.
...but this time, I'm not having it.
Should we kiss?
No.
Why?
I don't kiss strangers.
But I fancy ya.
My game plan with Jess is,
stick it on her straight away.
(laughs)
Looks like Jess needs
emergency assistance.
Luckily, fire fighter Liam's oiled up
and back on the beach.
Liam came looking for love
in series one.
Ugh!
You got shit craic and nae banter.
Shut up.
But the ladies weren't playing ball.
Why are you so moody?
We're making cheese.
Hello.
Jessica?
This time I'm going in as
a new Liam. Bigger, better...
Just watch the tiger.
I'm looking for the four Fs,
fit, fun, flirty
and fucking massive tits.
Your pants say "fuck".
They do. Well noticed.
On your bum.
Is he here for the boys
or is he here for the girls?
Do you want me to fuck ya?
I'll do it.
It shouldn't say "fuck",
should say "fuck off".
You're getting on my nerves.
Maybe the next arrival is more up
your alley, Bear. It's Olivia.
Last series, Olivia
got straight down to action.
She starts fucking playing us
like a flute.
(tune played on flute)
But the music stopped...
Oh, my God.
...when her ex James
arrived on the beach.
Just to see him with another girl
in front of my face, it's horrible.
Yeah, we've got one.
(squealing) Hi.
Is she the one who was
sucking on Scotty T's knob?
Oh, she's game then, ain't she?
Fucking hell.
I hope that won't happen,
but I do wanna find someone
I can have chemistry with again.
But just maybe not so soon.
Oh, my God!
I think Olivia
could be my type of girl.
I might even get a little treat
before bedtime.
Nice to meet you.
Olivia.
Liam's one of the hottest guys
from all the series.
What's it say?
Fuck.
It says fuck on his arsehole.
I love that.
Easy now, Olivia,
or you'll be playing the flute again.
Are you gonna give us a kiss?
(Olivia laughs)
Olivia's fucking game.
She's getting fucking banged.
Charming, Liam, that smile will be
wiped off your face later,
when the exes start piling in
to destroy this happy little
all-star reunion.
Whose ex will be first?
The next all-star is none other than
Gaz from series two.
A Geordie with a big sexual appetite.
Last time, Gaz shared a villa
with Jess,
got jiggy with Anita...
(moaning)
...but it's Charlotte Crosby
who he's been on and off with
ever since.
(laughing/cheering)
I've came here to test me self,
do I wanna be single?
Or do I wanna be in a relationship?
Whoo!
If I get feelings for someone, me
and Charlotte are not meant to be.
Ah, so good to see you.
He's fucked his hair up,
looks like someone's spunked in it.
It looks like a cheese string.
They might be a bit put out,
Gaz is known for top shagger,
he'll steal their thunder.
There's a lot of fit girls gonna
be here. This is gonna be hard.
It's gonna get positively stiff
in a minute, Gaz.
This is Jemma from series three.
She was the first bisexual
to wash up on the beach.
(girls laughing)
But it was TOWIE's bad boy Kirk
who really tore at her heartstrings.
He'll wind up any girl he can
just to get what he wants.
Jemma!
I'm back this time and nothing or
no-one is getting the better of me.
I'm a completely new Jemma,
and blondes have more fun.
Don't run, you'll get black eyes.
Tits are like spaniel's ears,
fucking bouncing all over.
Look who's here.
She's fit, man. Shit!
Look good, Gaz. Working out?
Obviously, Gaz is looking unreal.
Ripped, shredded, the lot.
I don't wanna be part of
Gaz's checklist,
but he has got a charm
and a girl's got needs.
Maybe the next hunk
can satisfy those.
Not him. Him. It's Jordan.
Back to rule the beach
for the third time.
Jordan spent his last two trips
falling in love with Megan.
It's unbreakable.
Like a Rubik's Cube.
And though he proposed...
Of course I'll fucking marry you.
Come on!...the relationship fell
apart like a cheap Christmas toy.
Why have you got a flag?
Cos I'm the fucking king, baby.
I know Welsh people are thick,
but that's embarrassing.
All right, Jess?
All right?
I'm like Henry the Eighth,
my last queen, I gave her the chop.
I'm back, go through as many women
that come my way. Hold tight!
This is the competition
isn't it, for me, innit, really?
But what if you've got no chance
with any of us?(all) Oh!
Don't be horrible.
Bear and me, last time,
we had a bit of a competition on,
I obviously won. He'll lose again.
I'm the champ, he won't beat me.
Well, you can fight over
the last sexy returnee,
it's Chloe from series one.
Last time, Chloe made a big splash
with the boys.
There was a bit of flanter going on
with me, Ash and Marco.
Not with shit stirrer, Liam...
You've had a fucking howler.
...and definitely not with the girls.
She wants to be loved,
and I don't trust her at all.
Hey!
Fucking hell. Jackpot!
Last time,
everyone thought I was a bitch,
and I can't say much has changed
about me.
I'm here to have fun,
do what I want,
maybe teach the girls to stop
getting their hearts broken.
I got you a welcome present, babe.
I like that Chloe,
I think she's pretty sassy.
I don't fancy any of them yet.
Bear's a shit stirrer,
Liam's a shit stirrer,
Gaz hasn't spoken,
and Jordan was engaged last week.
(all) Yay!
Don't get too excited, guys,
there's one nasty all-star
that's still to make an appearance.
Any second now.
(tablet chimes)
(all groan)
I've not missed that fucking thing.
I even named it Tablet of Terror.
(speaking mock Thai)
That's "Welcome, everyone" in Thai.
"They say love hurts,
and it's going to hurt a whole lot
more this time around. Good luck."
(gasps)
It's date time for Gaz and Jess.
(whooping and laughing)
I'm not gonna argue with that.
I know we're gonna have
a great time.
Have fun, guys.
I'm not bothered
Gaz and Jess are on a date.
When he gets back,
I'll make a beeline for him.
Good luck, guys.
Look after her.
While Gaz and Jess take a stroll
down the beach...
...the rest head straight to
their new blingy all-star love nest.
(Liam) Oh, my God! Look at this.
Are you fucking kidding me?
(squeals)
Thailand, we've arrived.
This villa is fucking unbelievable.
If this doesn't make you
wet and horny, nothing else will.
And there's plenty of beds
to get cosy in.
If you can't shag here,
you don't fucking belong here.
Olivia, come and sample
this bed with me?
And if you're really lucky...
Got the penthouse.
...to take it to the next level.
It could be worse.
Who do you think's the fittest?
It's gotta be Chloe.
I think Chloe is, as well.
We're gonna have
who'll win Chloe Goodman?
What? Same again, is it?
Same again.
How could anyone forget their rivalry
over Megan?
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
That's how I feel.
The way she looks at me is magical.
I've picked Jordan, so...
You little shitter.
Get the fuck over it.
I won Megan first,
am I gonna win Chloe again?
But I took her off you, so.
Sloppy seconds, kissed her first.
Well, I shagged her.
I didn't wanna shag her.
I won Megan first
cos I kissed her first,
and I'm gonna win Chloe again.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Here we go. Let the games begin.
As the fun and games begin
at the villa,
Gaz is testing his resistance
to temptation on his date with Jess.
What happens if Charlotte came?
It's weird with me and her.
We get on so well and we get
to a point, like a fence.
She's like, "I'm scared."
How long do I wait and sit around?"
I don't know what to do any more.
It's nice talking to Jess,
explaining that I'm not here
just to bang as many birds as I can.
I've got things to sort out
with Charlotte,
and I wanna have a bit of fun,
but not as much as I normally do.
I'm not gonna walk back in and go,
"Right, Jemma is flirting,"
I'm not gonna go in and be like,
"Get in my bed."
That's why I was buzzing it was you,
cos I'd rather someone that's kind
of matured a little bit as well.
Yeah, I'm getting on now, Gaz.
I know, I'm 28.
I'm 27.
I know he's, sort of, with Charlotte
and things are a bit awkward,
but I was really happy to
spend time with him.
So, who knows?
Right, here's to growing up
and moving on.
Jess is unbelievable,
she's got the best eyes ever, but it
just doesn't feel right, right now.
Let's go back.
Let's do it.
It's the first night in the
Ex On The Beach villa,
and there's only one way
to kick it off.
What better than spin the bottle,
try and spice things up?
So far, so good.
A couple of cheeky smooches.
Jess and Gaz kiss.
I don't kiss people on first days.
(Bear) Oh, my God.
No, I can't kiss someone
straight away.
She is a fun sponge.
Hang on a minute,
that's not the rule.
I don't wanna kiss everybody
straight away,
thanks very much.
Let's play spin the handshake.
That a better game?
It's all we're gonna fucking do
at this rate, innit?
That's my prerogative to choose
if I want to do that or not.
Last time, I got mugged off
by Rogan constantly.
Do I want that again? Kiss someone
and him go and crack on with an ex?
I'm not gonna be that person.
Don't all want to suck someone off
day one.
We ain't saying suck someone off.
If I don't wanna kiss someone
I won't.
Don't be an egg about it!
Liam is more annoying than thrush.
Stop rolling your eyes,
stop rolling your mouth.
Go and sit on a fucking lilo
and sunbathe in the moon.
You're getting on my nerves.
Chill out.
Dickhead.
At first, I liked Liam. He's turned
into an absolute fuck face.
I'm not a fucking slut.
Not everyone wants...
I didn't last time.
Right, exactly. I didn't,
I wasn't a slut last time either.
Argh! Oh, I'm so angry!
Fucking hell.
It's coming!
I'm not gonna lie, right, she didn't
even wanna kiss him with her lips.
I'd have given him a kiss
with my pussy lips.
Looks like Jemma might be game, but
will play-time come to a dramatic end
when the first ex arrives in
T minus 16 hours?
The bottle might've stopped,
but there's something else
that wants to get involved.
(tablet chimes)
Oh, no!
That Tablet of Terror, shit.
"Hello, All-stars. Tonight it's time
for Jemma to choose her date
for a night of fun in the penthouse.
Choose wisely."
Oh!
I can see that little glistening
in Jemma's eye. Shit.
She is ridiculously fit, I wouldn't
think twice before jumping in bed.
She's got the pick of the bunch,
cos no one else wants 'em.
Gaz, would you like to join me?
Oh, fuck.
My plan now has kind of
gone to shit.
I've gotta spend a night with
the horniest bastard in the house.
Bye, guys.
(Olivia) Have fun, guys.Bye-bye.
I knew I was gonna pick Gaz
straight away,
cos I've heard about all this
and he's got charm.
Oi, do you reckon
she'll clean that long pipe?
She wants to crack Gaz,
she'll crack him.
Cos he's been saying to me
on my date that he was, like,
he's changed and how he...
Really?
Maybe he won't. Maybe they won't.
(Gaz) Ha-ha.
Another bottle of champagne.
Oh, we had one bottle.
Ooh!
Don't try and get me drunk, mind.
Why not?
That is my aim, Gaz. Have a seat.
Tonight we're only cuddling.
Yeah, yeah, just a cuddle.
As Gaz tries to resist
the temptation with Jemma,
Bear thinks the time is right
to make his move on Chloe.
I weren't gonna say anything...
Oh.
...then I thought,
"I'm gonna say something."
Because I strike
when the iron's hot.
Chloe, she's playing hard to get,
but she could be
in the treasure chest.
Go on.
She could be in the box,
the box of Bear.
Like, I fancy ya.
OK.
What, was that the shocking news?
That is, that's it. What?
Do you think I believe
all this shit?
Do I look stupid?
Erm... Great chat.
(laughs)
It's, it's bad times,
but I'm gonna pull it back.
I'm gonna pull it back.
(sighs)
Well, that didn't go quite to plan.
Surely Gaz is doing better resisting
the temptations of the flesh.
(Gaz whispering) I should not be
fucking around.(Jemma) I know.
Maybe not.
If you start going under the clothes
and start spitting on my dick,
there's not a lot a guy can do.
(Jemma moaning pleasurably)
(moaning and breathlessness)
Oh, my God.
That escalated quickly.
Me and Olivia necked on yesterday.
The new Liam is fucking working.
I didn't get the shag,
that'll fucking happen tonight.
I ended up sleeping with Jordan last
night. Pissed off mate, pissed off.
Chloe, she fancies me, but she's
playing really hard to get.
Fuck off!
And I do like hard to get, but not
too hard. A day is long enough.
Bear is the most annoying person
I've ever met.
It's like talking to
a fucking five-year-old.
Surprisingly, me and Bear are
forming a bond over Chloe and Jess.
(Chloe) Jess!
They just don't want a piece of us
for some reason.
Fucking bell-end.
I hate boys that think they're lads.
I can't bear it. The last thing
I'm looking for is a lad.
And unfortunately for me,
that's all I've got at the minute.
I basically got with him last night.
Did you?
Absolutely annihilated.
My ex lasts three seconds,
I was with Gaz all night,
and he made me cum eight times,
which has never happened to me.
Technically,
I've done nothing wrong.
I am single.
Last night, to me, was just sex.
I don't like Jemma like that.
So the main test for me is,
if I don't fall for someone,
I know that I wanna be
with Charlotte.
I think he's into you.
Boys like that,
shag them the first night,
they don't stay around.
I don't think he's like that.
(laughs) How naive of you, Olivia.
And all the exes coming in
will want to hold hands,
make friends
and run off into the sunset together.
First ex, T minus four hours.
(tablet chimes)
(all groaning and complaining)
"Hello, everyone.
Don't choke on your food,
but the first ex is almost here."
"Can Chloe..."
Shitting myself.
"...Bear..."
I've got a lot of mad exes
and I've been a bit of a rascal.
"...and Jess..."
Fuck me, this isn't good news.
"...go down the beach to meet him."
Shut up.
I mean "them".
Oh, fucking don't do that to me.
I am praying it's Bear's ex,
cos I'm gonna show these girls
what they're missing out on
when I'm fucking her.
The tablet's got a soft spot too,
and has sent Liam and Olivia
on a hands-on date.
If Liam wants to impress me,
he needs to just make me laugh
and not be cringe.
Sorry about that.
That was, er, it was...
Ever since I've seen
Olivia's peach of an ass,
I was dying to get me hands on it.
Right.
This better be good.
You've got a few knots around here.
How convenient. (giggles)
The massage
was actually pretty decent.
I thought he was gonna be a bit
rubbish, but he's pretty good.
He's really, like, getting in here.
You've got it.
No, not quite yet.
What a date, Olivia's already
dripping like an egg sarnie.
Some fucker
get the "wet floor" signs out.
With poetry like that, Liam,
how could Olivia possibly resist?
For the time being, Liam's great.
We're getting on, he's fun, fit.
But there's something
I'm not quite 100% sure on,
so I'm not gonna put
all my eggs into one basket.
You just never know
who's gonna come in.
Talking of which, the first ex
is about to wash up
on the Beach of Doom.
(Bear) I'm so nervous.
No, you're not.
You don't care who comes out.
You only care about yourself.
I've got a feeling it's a girl
and I hate her.
I think I can handle anything,
until I get to this beach.
How would you feel
about an ex coming?
I hate them all.
Do you still like yours?
I've still got feelings for some...
You have feelings? Shit.
Yeah.
I'm scared and I have got a semi.
Scared, because who it is,
but a semi because I've been
through 'em. Good memories.
I'm questioning my mental stability,
that I decided to come back.
I've had some absolute
rotten turds of exes.
I'd say about 95 per cent of them
are all fully-fledged turds.
I'll make a promise that
whoever comes out of the sea,
we've got each other's backs.
Bear, you are so full of shit.
I've only been here one day
and I've had a bit of a meltdown.
Really hoping that won't
happen again today.
(I think they're coming.)
Stop it.
They're coming.
Oh, for God's sake.
(gasps) Oh, shit.
Hi.
(laughs)
This is Kayleigh.
We know.
Argh!
What's wrong, guys?
I see them both glaring at me.
What's their beef?
Nasty little bitch.
(Kayleigh laughs)
This is Kayleigh.
We had the best night together.
We spun each other round
and it was all night.
I'm happy.
Back in series two,
Kayleigh had a terrible time.
Her ex, Adam, played the field.
Go and hang yourself. Fuck off.
After she hooked up with Ashleigh,
her bessie, Melissa, betrayed her.
You've managed to be
the biggest bitch here.
Now she's back on the beach because
of a one-night stand with Bear.
This time, I'm gonna be the player.
Do you guys know each other?
I know 'em both.
She's fucked all my exes.
I can only think of one.
So she's a bit tapped, ain't she?
How about you, Jess?
She just got quite rude to me.
You think everything's about you.
Kayleigh, you're deluded.
The things you fucking write!
Are you mad?
I'm happy as Larry,
then it got all fucking weird.
The girls started bitching
and I was in the middle
thinking, "I want an orgy."
What do you mean?It's not OK,
the way you talk to people.
Started calling me a psycho.
She's one of them
social media bullies.
No, you are a bit of
a keyboard warrior.
What's your problem?
Last time I saw you, you was fine.
I had it out with you.
Calm down.
Are you joking? You're deluded.
Oh, you're all of this now.
Bear, you don't need to be
on my side, I'm fine.
Got our backs. Wah!
What did Kayleigh do
that was so wrong?
Kayleigh went up to an ex of mine,
and you knew it really
fucking hurt me,
you decided to fucking
go and say shit about me.
I told her things
when she was my friend,
sacred about my past,
I had a shitty upbringing.
She completely betrayed my trust
and basically backstabbed me.
You should be very careful, cos
you haven't got many friends here.
I'm her friend.
Everyone's friend.
None of you cunts were my friends.
Do you think I wanna make friends?
These bitches are jealous.
They see I look sick.
They look shit.
Who's in the villa?
Jemma Lucy, Olivia.
Oh, wow, confetti condom gone wrong.
What the fuck?
Er, come again?
I've never met Jemma Lucy before
in my life,
but she slated me on social media.
Like, she's a tramp.
Why don't you just fuck off?!
Where am I gonna go?
Kayleigh coming in will change the
villa. I don't think I'm gonna stay.
She is the most toxic person
I have ever met.
(tablet chimes)
Come on, then. Here we go.
"Welcome to the beach, Kayleigh.
"After that greeting, it's date time
for you and your ex, Bear."
Oh, thank God.
"This situation calls for
a lesson in cocktail making
to fuel the passions."
I could schmooze her again
to like me,
and I can get some hanky-panky.
(laughs)
See you, girls.
I don't give a fuck about
these bitches. Put me on a date,
and I'll wind them the fuck up
when I get back.
(whoops)
(laughs)
Kayleigh wants to be a wind-up,
but who will be spun into a frenzy
when the next ex sweeps into
the villa with unfinished business?
Oi-oi.
Awful.
Oh, this doesn't sound good.
I'm gonna go home.
It's really bad.
First thing I noticed is
Jess has been crying,
so I know that shit has gone down
and it's serious.
Who is this?
Shit, we didn't tell you. Kayleigh.
She said, "Who's here?"
You said, "Jemma Lucy."
She goes "Dirty tattooed
condom bucket,"
Is she fucking serious?No,
she went, "Saggy tattooed condom."
Why would somebody, such an opinion
on somebody they don't even know,
they haven't even met? Like,
who the fuck do you think you are?
Let's all fucking stick together.
Just, fuck her shit up.
Yeah.
No, do you know what we should do?
Just ignore her, don't speak to her.
Kayleigh, you have no friends.
Zero, none.
As the villa plans
a frosty reception for Kayleigh,
Bear plans to get her juices
flowing again.
It's called a Bearsy surprise.
(laughs)Ready?
Here we go. Hold on, babe.
Oh, yeah!
We're cocktail making and it
looks like it's gonna get messy.
Oh, God!
So, time in the villa so far
has been pretty pony,
now Kayleigh's arrived, I'm gonna
start having a fucking sick time.
I'm not gonna kiss no one
cos I fancy you, all right?
You know I'm the hottest girl.
Hottest girl in the world.
What do you reckon's gonna happen?
Erm, I think they're gonna start
shouting again. Give me a headache.
The game plan tonight is this,
take Kayleigh back,
protect her like a guard.
I've got your back.
Get her into bed,
give her the one-two,
then make her coffee
in the morning. Ta-da.
Let's have a cheers
to sticking together.
So we made a little pact
that he was gonna stick by me,
I would stick by him.
He did add a little bit extra that
he wasn't gonna get with anyone,
but I never made that promise.
All the girls have my back,
I know they'll look out for me,
but I still don't want to be
a part of this.
I don't want anything to do
with Kayleigh.
I can't be around this because
I'm gonna get in some serious shit.
Apparently, shit can be avoided
by moving 20 yards down the patio.
Yo, yo, yo! What's going on?
(sighing)
We're back!
King and queen.
She's there. I don't wanna see her,
cos I'll knock her out.
You all right?
This is Kayleigh.
Where's everyone else?
(Gaz) In the bedroom.
What happened
when everyone was like,
"Fuck her, we'll all ignore her."
That's going well.
Jem, you all right?
I think me and you
need to chat before...
We need a chat about what?
Well, you slated me in Ibiza.
"Discount cunts", you called me.
I didn't, but whoever did
is probably right.
She's come in here giving it all,
"My mate said you said this."
Say it to my face, bitch,
and I'll say it back.
I was like,
"She doesn't even know me."
Massive game of bad Chinese whispers.
"Haven't met you, but you said this."
Well, bitch...
"I heard you said this."
Fucking sit down, have a chat.
We've heard what you've said.
Whatever I've said,
I'd say it to you.
Fucking say it to me then,
what?
You look like a used condom.
Do I?
Why the fuck do I look like a
condom?(shouts indistinctly)
Are you off your head? Do you know
this villa's full of my friends?
Sort your nose out and fuck off.
Your nose, it goes that way,
it's like fucking off to the left.
You look like a pizza face.
Do I? Do I?
I would chuck her
straight in that pool.
Right, Kayleigh, do you
wanna come and speak to me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seriously.
I think World War Three
might've erupted.
Why are you calling me a used
condom, and tattooed slaggy shit?
Cos you slated me in Ibiza.
Jemma's going for her.
If someone said you slagged me off,
I would speak to you to your face,
which I'm doing now.
(Jemma and Kayleigh argue)
(Jordan) Stop it! Oi.
Fucking joking me.
Leave it, leave it, leave it.
Fucking joking?
You fucking trash bag.
Stop it, just leave it.
You fucking trash bag!
I've then broke it up and thought,
"Keep Kayleigh on her own."
I'm fucking annoyed,
she grabbed my hair.
The moral, mature thing.
Go for the girl you wanna fuck.
Just chill, sit down now.
Why are you so big? (laughs)
I know you fancy me,
we'll leave it at that.
Jordan saved Kayleigh
from Jemma's grasp,
but who will need extra security
when the next ex arrives
in T minus 16 hours?
After Jemma and Kayleigh get
a warning from the producers,
it's time for everyone to cool down.
It's not nice to come in
and everyone being horrible.
No, I totally agree.
No, no, no.
Would you like to walk into a place
with everyone shouting?
If I'd been slating girls
I'd never met, I'd expect it.
You're right, mate. It's not nice
for someone to walk into a villa.
Liam, like, what are you doing?
Why are you taking her side?
He knows I don't like her.
He has fucked it now.
I tell you what if I fall out
with a friend, it's like, "Bye."
Don't speak, I don't do that.
You hold yourself.
When I'm fired up,
that's what happens.
Your first night, and you're
starting shit. Are you a dickhead?
Tick. Yes, you fucking are.
What's going on with fucking Bear?
Tell me, how did the date go?
Did you kiss him?
I did kiss him, obviously, cos...
Who do you think's fitter?
Me or Bear?
Be honest. Who's fitter?
I am feeling a little bit of Jordan.
(laughs)
You never know,
it could be an eventful night.
(laughs)
If it's Bear, choose Bear.
If you think it's me, it's me.
You've known Bear,
shagged him before,
you ain't fucking seen
what I've got.
(laughs)
I've got Jordan giving her the eyes.
No, mate, it's not on.
You gonna sack Bear off for me?
Oh, my God.
No, I don't sack anyone off, anyway.
Me and Bear have been getting along,
but obviously, until...
You're his ex, so I'm gonna go,
obviously I wanna get on you
to piss him off.
Is that your only reason?
No, you're fit, anyway, you know...
You're fit, I know you're fit.
After an eventful night in the villa,
Kayleigh only has one more question
to answer.
Kayleigh,
you staying in Jordan's bed?
Yeah.
Are ya?
Yeah, we're just
sharing a bed tonight.
Jordan is a shitter!
Shitter!
Tonight is the night.
Chief Smash is finally back.
Welcome to J-Town.
Let's see if he proves himself
to be a man tonight.
If he doesn't,
then I'll just hop beds. (laughs)
I woke up this morning with Jordan.
I didn't touch him,
nothing happened.
He gave me a boner in the back.
And I have to specify the little.
I just wanted to prove to Bear
that I can get the spoon.
It's one-nil Jordan and it will go
two-nil Jordan, three-nil Jordan,
four-nil Jordan,
until Bear's going home.
Shock, horror,
another night of carnage.
There was a lot of shouting,
a lot of crying, a lot of screaming.
I've just woke up and I'd rather
stay in bed. It's gonna be awkward.
I fucking hope that A&E here
isn't too rammed,
cos Kayleigh's gonna be there
every fucking night.
Oh, my God, no.
I'm hoping that tonight we can
get on. If we can't, round two.
Ding-ding!
I fucked it with Kayleigh.
Jordan pops up like a praying mantis
and swoops her away.
I'll get him back.
The plan is this...
Flower. Flower.
Chloe is the fittest bird in here.
Leave it for you.
I'll be nice to her.
I don't care if she
keeps batting me away,
"Go away, Bear, go away!" No, I'm
gonna keep going cos I fancy ya.
Sometimes Bear is funny and most of
the time he's fucking irritating.
When somebody says "no",
it's a fucking no. Leave me alone.
How many more times?
How can I make Chloe be my friend?
She won't be any more.
Ever again?No.
I think I can win her round.
No.
God loves a trier.
But Chloe doesn't love a trier,
so leave her alone.
I genuinely think Bear has got
more chance of meeting the pope
than ever having Chloe Goodman
kiss him.
They might be rolling out the red
carpet at the Vatican for Bear,
but who will need divine intervention
when the next ex arrives,
walking on water?
I can't picture my ex sitting here
and chilling with me.
I just can't picture it.
Cos you don't get on?Yeah.
Oh, that could be fucking anyone
for me, like.
(tablet chimes)
Oh, for fuck's sake!
All I'm thinking is,
"Fuck, am I going to the beach
and yet again
have another shit fucking day?"
"Hello, everyone.
No rest for the wicked."
"The second ex is on their way."
What? Whoa.
"Can Olivia, Jemma and Kayleigh
go down to the beach immediately?"
Fuck, I've only been
in this villa two days
and I've come eight times,
thanks to Gaz.
But that fucking tablet
had to go off.
It's gonna fuck shit up.
Oh, whoa-whoa!
Jemma's kicking off.
Jemma and Kayleigh
have both gone down to the beach,
and I think the forecast for today
is awkward.
You go in the middle,
I'm going away from Kayleigh.
Kayleigh's not the girl
we want to be at the beach with.
If my ex comes out, they'll probably
end up having sex on the beach.
She's a massive whore.
What ex would it be,
if it was yours?
According to you, I've got many.
That's true. That's a fact.
I'm stronger than ever,
so whoever comes out,
throw it at me, I don't care.
If it's your ex, what ex is it?
Hawley, who I was expecting
last time, who didn't turn up.
The worst person that could
possibly come out is Hawley.
He brought a girl
back to his apartment
while I was still in his bed.
You don't fucking do that.
(sniggers)
If he comes here,
I'll end up in prison.
Seriously, fuck.
While the girls wait for
the next unwanted arrival,
the lads are feeling philosophical.
What are we thinking, boys?
It's gonna be a lad, innit?
Yeah.
I don't want another lad to come in,
though.
We need more girls.
I think the lads are struggling.
They get girls in bed
and do nothing.
I'm not even trying,
and I'm getting more action.
To be honest, I think
I'll call it a day with Olivia,
full stop, because...
I mean, you're not...
I'm fucking nowhere.
To be honest, she's got a nice arse,
but she's not fucking that fit.
Hey, Liam, I think she was
already over you, mate.
You should crack on with Kayleigh,
she means nothing to me.
I only did that to annoy Bear.
That's why I didn't try it on.
Too much kicking off.
I probably will crack on
with Kayleigh tonight.
She's fit, she's got
a cracking set of tits,
Olivia, move over.
I'm sliding into Kayleigh's DMs.
Even if it's your ex, I feel sick
for you and I don't really like you.
I have the sickest feeling
in my stomach about today.
How will you react if it is him?
I don't know, babe!
I don't fucking know.
Jemma is shitting herself.
Her ex-boyfriend, I've heard
he's done a lot of horrible things.
I still love him, I hate him
as well, that's the problem.
My feelings towards Hawley are so
extreme, anger, upset, everything.
I have never ever felt like this
in my life. I'm telling you now.
I'll just get my popcorn out
and enjoy the entertainment.
I'm gonna projectile vomit.
What's happening, Jemma?
Oh, my God.
I knew that if Hawley came
I was gonna feel bad,
but not as bad as this.
(crying) I can't deal with it.
.
Ex On The Beach is back.
(cheering)
This time it's all-stars.
Old faces return
for another shot at finding love.
Am I looking for love? Yeah.
They'll have to endure their exes...
I've never felt like this
in my life.
...some will have to deal with
old grudges...
Didn't he finger blast you?Had
more dicks than I've had sun beds.
...and as hard as they try to find
their perfect match...
Right, who wants to finger me?
...standing in their way once again
will be the Tablet Of Terror.
(gasps)
This time it's playing dirty.
Does that tablet wanna get smashed?
I'm cacking myself, big time.
It's going to be hotter
than ever before...
I wanna ride her.
(moaning)
Giddy up, Amy.
...as emotions boil over...
You made me realise there's more
to life than what I was doing.
...tensions run high...
are ya, I fucking dare ya!
Let's fucking go, kid.
...and the claws come out.
To your face, which I'm gonna...
(indistinct arguing/shouting)
They're all two-faced bastards.
As always, they'll never know...
She is the most toxic person
I have ever met.
I did not think that
I was gonna feel like this.
The first returning Ex On The Beach
star needs no introduction.
Why am I back?
Because every beach needs a Bear.
(sound effect "roar")
Rarr!
Unlucky-in-love Bear is back
from series three.
After losing Amy,
Megan and finally Vicky,
this time,
he's hoping for a fairy-tale ending.
I'm still waiting to find Goldilocks
to jump in my bed
and have a little roll around.
That's how the story goes, innit?
Come on, girls.
Fear not, Bear, Jess is here
and she's already riding
a massive banana.
After falling over a lot
in series two,
Jess finally fell for her ex,
the roguish Rogan.
Other girls and Rogan,
there's quite a lot of them.
You look fit.
How are you?
All right?
Last time I was here,
Rogan walked all over me
and I looked like a sap...
Wow, you look nice, you look nice.
...but this time, I'm not having it.
Should we kiss?
No.
Why?
I don't kiss strangers.
But I fancy ya.
My game plan with Jess is,
stick it on her straight away.
(laughs)
Looks like Jess needs
emergency assistance.
Luckily, fire fighter Liam's oiled up
and back on the beach.
Liam came looking for love
in series one.
Ugh!
You got shit craic and nae banter.
Shut up.
But the ladies weren't playing ball.
Why are you so moody?
We're making cheese.
Hello.
Jessica?
This time I'm going in as
a new Liam. Bigger, better...
Just watch the tiger.
I'm looking for the four Fs,
fit, fun, flirty
and fucking massive tits.
Your pants say "fuck".
They do. Well noticed.
On your bum.
Is he here for the boys
or is he here for the girls?
Do you want me to fuck ya?
I'll do it.
It shouldn't say "fuck",
should say "fuck off".
You're getting on my nerves.
Maybe the next arrival is more up
your alley, Bear. It's Olivia.
Last series, Olivia
got straight down to action.
She starts fucking playing us
like a flute.
(tune played on flute)
But the music stopped...
Oh, my God.
...when her ex James
arrived on the beach.
Just to see him with another girl
in front of my face, it's horrible.
Yeah, we've got one.
(squealing) Hi.
Is she the one who was
sucking on Scotty T's knob?
Oh, she's game then, ain't she?
Fucking hell.
I hope that won't happen,
but I do wanna find someone
I can have chemistry with again.
But just maybe not so soon.
Oh, my God!
I think Olivia
could be my type of girl.
I might even get a little treat
before bedtime.
Nice to meet you.
Olivia.
Liam's one of the hottest guys
from all the series.
What's it say?
Fuck.
It says fuck on his arsehole.
I love that.
Easy now, Olivia,
or you'll be playing the flute again.
Are you gonna give us a kiss?
(Olivia laughs)
Olivia's fucking game.
She's getting fucking banged.
Charming, Liam, that smile will be
wiped off your face later,
when the exes start piling in
to destroy this happy little
all-star reunion.
Whose ex will be first?
The next all-star is none other than
Gaz from series two.
A Geordie with a big sexual appetite.
Last time, Gaz shared a villa
with Jess,
got jiggy with Anita...
(moaning)
...but it's Charlotte Crosby
who he's been on and off with
ever since.
(laughing/cheering)
I've came here to test me self,
do I wanna be single?
Or do I wanna be in a relationship?
Whoo!
If I get feelings for someone, me
and Charlotte are not meant to be.
Ah, so good to see you.
He's fucked his hair up,
looks like someone's spunked in it.
It looks like a cheese string.
They might be a bit put out,
Gaz is known for top shagger,
he'll steal their thunder.
There's a lot of fit girls gonna
be here. This is gonna be hard.
It's gonna get positively stiff
in a minute, Gaz.
This is Jemma from series three.
She was the first bisexual
to wash up on the beach.
(girls laughing)
But it was TOWIE's bad boy Kirk
who really tore at her heartstrings.
He'll wind up any girl he can
just to get what he wants.
Jemma!
I'm back this time and nothing or
no-one is getting the better of me.
I'm a completely new Jemma,
and blondes have more fun.
Don't run, you'll get black eyes.
Tits are like spaniel's ears,
fucking bouncing all over.
Look who's here.
She's fit, man. Shit!
Look good, Gaz. Working out?
Obviously, Gaz is looking unreal.
Ripped, shredded, the lot.
I don't wanna be part of
Gaz's checklist,
but he has got a charm
and a girl's got needs.
Maybe the next hunk
can satisfy those.
Not him. Him. It's Jordan.
Back to rule the beach
for the third time.
Jordan spent his last two trips
falling in love with Megan.
It's unbreakable.
Like a Rubik's Cube.
And though he proposed...
Of course I'll fucking marry you.
Come on!...the relationship fell
apart like a cheap Christmas toy.
Why have you got a flag?
Cos I'm the fucking king, baby.
I know Welsh people are thick,
but that's embarrassing.
All right, Jess?
All right?
I'm like Henry the Eighth,
my last queen, I gave her the chop.
I'm back, go through as many women
that come my way. Hold tight!
This is the competition
isn't it, for me, innit, really?
But what if you've got no chance
with any of us?(all) Oh!
Don't be horrible.
Bear and me, last time,
we had a bit of a competition on,
I obviously won. He'll lose again.
I'm the champ, he won't beat me.
Well, you can fight over
the last sexy returnee,
it's Chloe from series one.
Last time, Chloe made a big splash
with the boys.
There was a bit of flanter going on
with me, Ash and Marco.
Not with shit stirrer, Liam...
You've had a fucking howler.
...and definitely not with the girls.
She wants to be loved,
and I don't trust her at all.
Hey!
Fucking hell. Jackpot!
Last time,
everyone thought I was a bitch,
and I can't say much has changed
about me.
I'm here to have fun,
do what I want,
maybe teach the girls to stop
getting their hearts broken.
I got you a welcome present, babe.
I like that Chloe,
I think she's pretty sassy.
I don't fancy any of them yet.
Bear's a shit stirrer,
Liam's a shit stirrer,
Gaz hasn't spoken,
and Jordan was engaged last week.
(all) Yay!
Don't get too excited, guys,
there's one nasty all-star
that's still to make an appearance.
Any second now.
(tablet chimes)
(all groan)
I've not missed that fucking thing.
I even named it Tablet of Terror.
(speaking mock Thai)
That's "Welcome, everyone" in Thai.
"They say love hurts,
and it's going to hurt a whole lot
more this time around. Good luck."
(gasps)
It's date time for Gaz and Jess.
(whooping and laughing)
I'm not gonna argue with that.
I know we're gonna have
a great time.
Have fun, guys.
I'm not bothered
Gaz and Jess are on a date.
When he gets back,
I'll make a beeline for him.
Good luck, guys.
Look after her.
While Gaz and Jess take a stroll
down the beach...
...the rest head straight to
their new blingy all-star love nest.
(Liam) Oh, my God! Look at this.
Are you fucking kidding me?
(squeals)
Thailand, we've arrived.
This villa is fucking unbelievable.
If this doesn't make you
wet and horny, nothing else will.
And there's plenty of beds
to get cosy in.
If you can't shag here,
you don't fucking belong here.
Olivia, come and sample
this bed with me?
And if you're really lucky...
Got the penthouse.
...to take it to the next level.
It could be worse.
Who do you think's the fittest?
It's gotta be Chloe.
I think Chloe is, as well.
We're gonna have
who'll win Chloe Goodman?
What? Same again, is it?
Same again.
How could anyone forget their rivalry
over Megan?
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
That's how I feel.
The way she looks at me is magical.
I've picked Jordan, so...
You little shitter.
Get the fuck over it.
I won Megan first,
am I gonna win Chloe again?
But I took her off you, so.
Sloppy seconds, kissed her first.
Well, I shagged her.
I didn't wanna shag her.
I won Megan first
cos I kissed her first,
and I'm gonna win Chloe again.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Here we go. Let the games begin.
As the fun and games begin
at the villa,
Gaz is testing his resistance
to temptation on his date with Jess.
What happens if Charlotte came?
It's weird with me and her.
We get on so well and we get
to a point, like a fence.
She's like, "I'm scared."
How long do I wait and sit around?"
I don't know what to do any more.
It's nice talking to Jess,
explaining that I'm not here
just to bang as many birds as I can.
I've got things to sort out
with Charlotte,
and I wanna have a bit of fun,
but not as much as I normally do.
I'm not gonna walk back in and go,
"Right, Jemma is flirting,"
I'm not gonna go in and be like,
"Get in my bed."
That's why I was buzzing it was you,
cos I'd rather someone that's kind
of matured a little bit as well.
Yeah, I'm getting on now, Gaz.
I know, I'm 28.
I'm 27.
I know he's, sort of, with Charlotte
and things are a bit awkward,
but I was really happy to
spend time with him.
So, who knows?
Right, here's to growing up
and moving on.
Jess is unbelievable,
she's got the best eyes ever, but it
just doesn't feel right, right now.
Let's go back.
Let's do it.
It's the first night in the
Ex On The Beach villa,
and there's only one way
to kick it off.
What better than spin the bottle,
try and spice things up?
So far, so good.
A couple of cheeky smooches.
Jess and Gaz kiss.
I don't kiss people on first days.
(Bear) Oh, my God.
No, I can't kiss someone
straight away.
She is a fun sponge.
Hang on a minute,
that's not the rule.
I don't wanna kiss everybody
straight away,
thanks very much.
Let's play spin the handshake.
That a better game?
It's all we're gonna fucking do
at this rate, innit?
That's my prerogative to choose
if I want to do that or not.
Last time, I got mugged off
by Rogan constantly.
Do I want that again? Kiss someone
and him go and crack on with an ex?
I'm not gonna be that person.
Don't all want to suck someone off
day one.
We ain't saying suck someone off.
If I don't wanna kiss someone
I won't.
Don't be an egg about it!
Liam is more annoying than thrush.
Stop rolling your eyes,
stop rolling your mouth.
Go and sit on a fucking lilo
and sunbathe in the moon.
You're getting on my nerves.
Chill out.
Dickhead.
At first, I liked Liam. He's turned
into an absolute fuck face.
I'm not a fucking slut.
Not everyone wants...
I didn't last time.
Right, exactly. I didn't,
I wasn't a slut last time either.
Argh! Oh, I'm so angry!
Fucking hell.
It's coming!
I'm not gonna lie, right, she didn't
even wanna kiss him with her lips.
I'd have given him a kiss
with my pussy lips.
Looks like Jemma might be game, but
will play-time come to a dramatic end
when the first ex arrives in
T minus 16 hours?
The bottle might've stopped,
but there's something else
that wants to get involved.
(tablet chimes)
Oh, no!
That Tablet of Terror, shit.
"Hello, All-stars. Tonight it's time
for Jemma to choose her date
for a night of fun in the penthouse.
Choose wisely."
Oh!
I can see that little glistening
in Jemma's eye. Shit.
She is ridiculously fit, I wouldn't
think twice before jumping in bed.
She's got the pick of the bunch,
cos no one else wants 'em.
Gaz, would you like to join me?
Oh, fuck.
My plan now has kind of
gone to shit.
I've gotta spend a night with
the horniest bastard in the house.
Bye, guys.
(Olivia) Have fun, guys.Bye-bye.
I knew I was gonna pick Gaz
straight away,
cos I've heard about all this
and he's got charm.
Oi, do you reckon
she'll clean that long pipe?
She wants to crack Gaz,
she'll crack him.
Cos he's been saying to me
on my date that he was, like,
he's changed and how he...
Really?
Maybe he won't. Maybe they won't.
(Gaz) Ha-ha.
Another bottle of champagne.
Oh, we had one bottle.
Ooh!
Don't try and get me drunk, mind.
Why not?
That is my aim, Gaz. Have a seat.
Tonight we're only cuddling.
Yeah, yeah, just a cuddle.
As Gaz tries to resist
the temptation with Jemma,
Bear thinks the time is right
to make his move on Chloe.
I weren't gonna say anything...
Oh.
...then I thought,
"I'm gonna say something."
Because I strike
when the iron's hot.
Chloe, she's playing hard to get,
but she could be
in the treasure chest.
Go on.
She could be in the box,
the box of Bear.
Like, I fancy ya.
OK.
What, was that the shocking news?
That is, that's it. What?
Do you think I believe
all this shit?
Do I look stupid?
Erm... Great chat.
(laughs)
It's, it's bad times,
but I'm gonna pull it back.
I'm gonna pull it back.
(sighs)
Well, that didn't go quite to plan.
Surely Gaz is doing better resisting
the temptations of the flesh.
(Gaz whispering) I should not be
fucking around.(Jemma) I know.
Maybe not.
If you start going under the clothes
and start spitting on my dick,
there's not a lot a guy can do.
(Jemma moaning pleasurably)
(moaning and breathlessness)
Oh, my God.
That escalated quickly.
Me and Olivia necked on yesterday.
The new Liam is fucking working.
I didn't get the shag,
that'll fucking happen tonight.
I ended up sleeping with Jordan last
night. Pissed off mate, pissed off.
Chloe, she fancies me, but she's
playing really hard to get.
Fuck off!
And I do like hard to get, but not
too hard. A day is long enough.
Bear is the most annoying person
I've ever met.
It's like talking to
a fucking five-year-old.
Surprisingly, me and Bear are
forming a bond over Chloe and Jess.
(Chloe) Jess!
They just don't want a piece of us
for some reason.
Fucking bell-end.
I hate boys that think they're lads.
I can't bear it. The last thing
I'm looking for is a lad.
And unfortunately for me,
that's all I've got at the minute.
I basically got with him last night.
Did you?
Absolutely annihilated.
My ex lasts three seconds,
I was with Gaz all night,
and he made me cum eight times,
which has never happened to me.
Technically,
I've done nothing wrong.
I am single.
Last night, to me, was just sex.
I don't like Jemma like that.
So the main test for me is,
if I don't fall for someone,
I know that I wanna be
with Charlotte.
I think he's into you.
Boys like that,
shag them the first night,
they don't stay around.
I don't think he's like that.
(laughs) How naive of you, Olivia.
And all the exes coming in
will want to hold hands,
make friends
and run off into the sunset together.
First ex, T minus four hours.
(tablet chimes)
(all groaning and complaining)
"Hello, everyone.
Don't choke on your food,
but the first ex is almost here."
"Can Chloe..."
Shitting myself.
"...Bear..."
I've got a lot of mad exes
and I've been a bit of a rascal.
"...and Jess..."
Fuck me, this isn't good news.
"...go down the beach to meet him."
Shut up.
I mean "them".
Oh, fucking don't do that to me.
I am praying it's Bear's ex,
cos I'm gonna show these girls
what they're missing out on
when I'm fucking her.
The tablet's got a soft spot too,
and has sent Liam and Olivia
on a hands-on date.
If Liam wants to impress me,
he needs to just make me laugh
and not be cringe.
Sorry about that.
That was, er, it was...
Ever since I've seen
Olivia's peach of an ass,
I was dying to get me hands on it.
Right.
This better be good.
You've got a few knots around here.
How convenient. (giggles)
The massage
was actually pretty decent.
I thought he was gonna be a bit
rubbish, but he's pretty good.
He's really, like, getting in here.
You've got it.
No, not quite yet.
What a date, Olivia's already
dripping like an egg sarnie.
Some fucker
get the "wet floor" signs out.
With poetry like that, Liam,
how could Olivia possibly resist?
For the time being, Liam's great.
We're getting on, he's fun, fit.
But there's something
I'm not quite 100% sure on,
so I'm not gonna put
all my eggs into one basket.
You just never know
who's gonna come in.
Talking of which, the first ex
is about to wash up
on the Beach of Doom.
(Bear) I'm so nervous.
No, you're not.
You don't care who comes out.
You only care about yourself.
I've got a feeling it's a girl
and I hate her.
I think I can handle anything,
until I get to this beach.
How would you feel
about an ex coming?
I hate them all.
Do you still like yours?
I've still got feelings for some...
You have feelings? Shit.
Yeah.
I'm scared and I have got a semi.
Scared, because who it is,
but a semi because I've been
through 'em. Good memories.
I'm questioning my mental stability,
that I decided to come back.
I've had some absolute
rotten turds of exes.
I'd say about 95 per cent of them
are all fully-fledged turds.
I'll make a promise that
whoever comes out of the sea,
we've got each other's backs.
Bear, you are so full of shit.
I've only been here one day
and I've had a bit of a meltdown.
Really hoping that won't
happen again today.
(I think they're coming.)
Stop it.
They're coming.
Oh, for God's sake.
(gasps) Oh, shit.
Hi.
(laughs)
This is Kayleigh.
We know.
Argh!
What's wrong, guys?
I see them both glaring at me.
What's their beef?
Nasty little bitch.
(Kayleigh laughs)
This is Kayleigh.
We had the best night together.
We spun each other round
and it was all night.
I'm happy.
Back in series two,
Kayleigh had a terrible time.
Her ex, Adam, played the field.
Go and hang yourself. Fuck off.
After she hooked up with Ashleigh,
her bessie, Melissa, betrayed her.
You've managed to be
the biggest bitch here.
Now she's back on the beach because
of a one-night stand with Bear.
This time, I'm gonna be the player.
Do you guys know each other?
I know 'em both.
She's fucked all my exes.
I can only think of one.
So she's a bit tapped, ain't she?
How about you, Jess?
She just got quite rude to me.
You think everything's about you.
Kayleigh, you're deluded.
The things you fucking write!
Are you mad?
I'm happy as Larry,
then it got all fucking weird.
The girls started bitching
and I was in the middle
thinking, "I want an orgy."
What do you mean?It's not OK,
the way you talk to people.
Started calling me a psycho.
She's one of them
social media bullies.
No, you are a bit of
a keyboard warrior.
What's your problem?
Last time I saw you, you was fine.
I had it out with you.
Calm down.
Are you joking? You're deluded.
Oh, you're all of this now.
Bear, you don't need to be
on my side, I'm fine.
Got our backs. Wah!
What did Kayleigh do
that was so wrong?
Kayleigh went up to an ex of mine,
and you knew it really
fucking hurt me,
you decided to fucking
go and say shit about me.
I told her things
when she was my friend,
sacred about my past,
I had a shitty upbringing.
She completely betrayed my trust
and basically backstabbed me.
You should be very careful, cos
you haven't got many friends here.
I'm her friend.
Everyone's friend.
None of you cunts were my friends.
Do you think I wanna make friends?
These bitches are jealous.
They see I look sick.
They look shit.
Who's in the villa?
Jemma Lucy, Olivia.
Oh, wow, confetti condom gone wrong.
What the fuck?
Er, come again?
I've never met Jemma Lucy before
in my life,
but she slated me on social media.
Like, she's a tramp.
Why don't you just fuck off?!
Where am I gonna go?
Kayleigh coming in will change the
villa. I don't think I'm gonna stay.
She is the most toxic person
I have ever met.
(tablet chimes)
Come on, then. Here we go.
"Welcome to the beach, Kayleigh.
"After that greeting, it's date time
for you and your ex, Bear."
Oh, thank God.
"This situation calls for
a lesson in cocktail making
to fuel the passions."
I could schmooze her again
to like me,
and I can get some hanky-panky.
(laughs)
See you, girls.
I don't give a fuck about
these bitches. Put me on a date,
and I'll wind them the fuck up
when I get back.
(whoops)
(laughs)
Kayleigh wants to be a wind-up,
but who will be spun into a frenzy
when the next ex sweeps into
the villa with unfinished business?
Oi-oi.
Awful.
Oh, this doesn't sound good.
I'm gonna go home.
It's really bad.
First thing I noticed is
Jess has been crying,
so I know that shit has gone down
and it's serious.
Who is this?
Shit, we didn't tell you. Kayleigh.
She said, "Who's here?"
You said, "Jemma Lucy."
She goes "Dirty tattooed
condom bucket,"
Is she fucking serious?No,
she went, "Saggy tattooed condom."
Why would somebody, such an opinion
on somebody they don't even know,
they haven't even met? Like,
who the fuck do you think you are?
Let's all fucking stick together.
Just, fuck her shit up.
Yeah.
No, do you know what we should do?
Just ignore her, don't speak to her.
Kayleigh, you have no friends.
Zero, none.
As the villa plans
a frosty reception for Kayleigh,
Bear plans to get her juices
flowing again.
It's called a Bearsy surprise.
(laughs)Ready?
Here we go. Hold on, babe.
Oh, yeah!
We're cocktail making and it
looks like it's gonna get messy.
Oh, God!
So, time in the villa so far
has been pretty pony,
now Kayleigh's arrived, I'm gonna
start having a fucking sick time.
I'm not gonna kiss no one
cos I fancy you, all right?
You know I'm the hottest girl.
Hottest girl in the world.
What do you reckon's gonna happen?
Erm, I think they're gonna start
shouting again. Give me a headache.
The game plan tonight is this,
take Kayleigh back,
protect her like a guard.
I've got your back.
Get her into bed,
give her the one-two,
then make her coffee
in the morning. Ta-da.
Let's have a cheers
to sticking together.
So we made a little pact
that he was gonna stick by me,
I would stick by him.
He did add a little bit extra that
he wasn't gonna get with anyone,
but I never made that promise.
All the girls have my back,
I know they'll look out for me,
but I still don't want to be
a part of this.
I don't want anything to do
with Kayleigh.
I can't be around this because
I'm gonna get in some serious shit.
Apparently, shit can be avoided
by moving 20 yards down the patio.
Yo, yo, yo! What's going on?
(sighing)
We're back!
King and queen.
She's there. I don't wanna see her,
cos I'll knock her out.
You all right?
This is Kayleigh.
Where's everyone else?
(Gaz) In the bedroom.
What happened
when everyone was like,
"Fuck her, we'll all ignore her."
That's going well.
Jem, you all right?
I think me and you
need to chat before...
We need a chat about what?
Well, you slated me in Ibiza.
"Discount cunts", you called me.
I didn't, but whoever did
is probably right.
She's come in here giving it all,
"My mate said you said this."
Say it to my face, bitch,
and I'll say it back.
I was like,
"She doesn't even know me."
Massive game of bad Chinese whispers.
"Haven't met you, but you said this."
Well, bitch...
"I heard you said this."
Fucking sit down, have a chat.
We've heard what you've said.
Whatever I've said,
I'd say it to you.
Fucking say it to me then,
what?
You look like a used condom.
Do I?
Why the fuck do I look like a
condom?(shouts indistinctly)
Are you off your head? Do you know
this villa's full of my friends?
Sort your nose out and fuck off.
Your nose, it goes that way,
it's like fucking off to the left.
You look like a pizza face.
Do I? Do I?
I would chuck her
straight in that pool.
Right, Kayleigh, do you
wanna come and speak to me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seriously.
I think World War Three
might've erupted.
Why are you calling me a used
condom, and tattooed slaggy shit?
Cos you slated me in Ibiza.
Jemma's going for her.
If someone said you slagged me off,
I would speak to you to your face,
which I'm doing now.
(Jemma and Kayleigh argue)
(Jordan) Stop it! Oi.
Fucking joking me.
Leave it, leave it, leave it.
Fucking joking?
You fucking trash bag.
Stop it, just leave it.
You fucking trash bag!
I've then broke it up and thought,
"Keep Kayleigh on her own."
I'm fucking annoyed,
she grabbed my hair.
The moral, mature thing.
Go for the girl you wanna fuck.
Just chill, sit down now.
Why are you so big? (laughs)
I know you fancy me,
we'll leave it at that.
Jordan saved Kayleigh
from Jemma's grasp,
but who will need extra security
when the next ex arrives
in T minus 16 hours?
After Jemma and Kayleigh get
a warning from the producers,
it's time for everyone to cool down.
It's not nice to come in
and everyone being horrible.
No, I totally agree.
No, no, no.
Would you like to walk into a place
with everyone shouting?
If I'd been slating girls
I'd never met, I'd expect it.
You're right, mate. It's not nice
for someone to walk into a villa.
Liam, like, what are you doing?
Why are you taking her side?
He knows I don't like her.
He has fucked it now.
I tell you what if I fall out
with a friend, it's like, "Bye."
Don't speak, I don't do that.
You hold yourself.
When I'm fired up,
that's what happens.
Your first night, and you're
starting shit. Are you a dickhead?
Tick. Yes, you fucking are.
What's going on with fucking Bear?
Tell me, how did the date go?
Did you kiss him?
I did kiss him, obviously, cos...
Who do you think's fitter?
Me or Bear?
Be honest. Who's fitter?
I am feeling a little bit of Jordan.
(laughs)
You never know,
it could be an eventful night.
(laughs)
If it's Bear, choose Bear.
If you think it's me, it's me.
You've known Bear,
shagged him before,
you ain't fucking seen
what I've got.
(laughs)
I've got Jordan giving her the eyes.
No, mate, it's not on.
You gonna sack Bear off for me?
Oh, my God.
No, I don't sack anyone off, anyway.
Me and Bear have been getting along,
but obviously, until...
You're his ex, so I'm gonna go,
obviously I wanna get on you
to piss him off.
Is that your only reason?
No, you're fit, anyway, you know...
You're fit, I know you're fit.
After an eventful night in the villa,
Kayleigh only has one more question
to answer.
Kayleigh,
you staying in Jordan's bed?
Yeah.
Are ya?
Yeah, we're just
sharing a bed tonight.
Jordan is a shitter!
Shitter!
Tonight is the night.
Chief Smash is finally back.
Welcome to J-Town.
Let's see if he proves himself
to be a man tonight.
If he doesn't,
then I'll just hop beds. (laughs)
I woke up this morning with Jordan.
I didn't touch him,
nothing happened.
He gave me a boner in the back.
And I have to specify the little.
I just wanted to prove to Bear
that I can get the spoon.
It's one-nil Jordan and it will go
two-nil Jordan, three-nil Jordan,
four-nil Jordan,
until Bear's going home.
Shock, horror,
another night of carnage.
There was a lot of shouting,
a lot of crying, a lot of screaming.
I've just woke up and I'd rather
stay in bed. It's gonna be awkward.
I fucking hope that A&E here
isn't too rammed,
cos Kayleigh's gonna be there
every fucking night.
Oh, my God, no.
I'm hoping that tonight we can
get on. If we can't, round two.
Ding-ding!
I fucked it with Kayleigh.
Jordan pops up like a praying mantis
and swoops her away.
I'll get him back.
The plan is this...
Flower. Flower.
Chloe is the fittest bird in here.
Leave it for you.
I'll be nice to her.
I don't care if she
keeps batting me away,
"Go away, Bear, go away!" No, I'm
gonna keep going cos I fancy ya.
Sometimes Bear is funny and most of
the time he's fucking irritating.
When somebody says "no",
it's a fucking no. Leave me alone.
How many more times?
How can I make Chloe be my friend?
She won't be any more.
Ever again?No.
I think I can win her round.
No.
God loves a trier.
But Chloe doesn't love a trier,
so leave her alone.
I genuinely think Bear has got
more chance of meeting the pope
than ever having Chloe Goodman
kiss him.
They might be rolling out the red
carpet at the Vatican for Bear,
but who will need divine intervention
when the next ex arrives,
walking on water?
I can't picture my ex sitting here
and chilling with me.
I just can't picture it.
Cos you don't get on?Yeah.
Oh, that could be fucking anyone
for me, like.
(tablet chimes)
Oh, for fuck's sake!
All I'm thinking is,
"Fuck, am I going to the beach
and yet again
have another shit fucking day?"
"Hello, everyone.
No rest for the wicked."
"The second ex is on their way."
What? Whoa.
"Can Olivia, Jemma and Kayleigh
go down to the beach immediately?"
Fuck, I've only been
in this villa two days
and I've come eight times,
thanks to Gaz.
But that fucking tablet
had to go off.
It's gonna fuck shit up.
Oh, whoa-whoa!
Jemma's kicking off.
Jemma and Kayleigh
have both gone down to the beach,
and I think the forecast for today
is awkward.
You go in the middle,
I'm going away from Kayleigh.
Kayleigh's not the girl
we want to be at the beach with.
If my ex comes out, they'll probably
end up having sex on the beach.
She's a massive whore.
What ex would it be,
if it was yours?
According to you, I've got many.
That's true. That's a fact.
I'm stronger than ever,
so whoever comes out,
throw it at me, I don't care.
If it's your ex, what ex is it?
Hawley, who I was expecting
last time, who didn't turn up.
The worst person that could
possibly come out is Hawley.
He brought a girl
back to his apartment
while I was still in his bed.
You don't fucking do that.
(sniggers)
If he comes here,
I'll end up in prison.
Seriously, fuck.
While the girls wait for
the next unwanted arrival,
the lads are feeling philosophical.
What are we thinking, boys?
It's gonna be a lad, innit?
Yeah.
I don't want another lad to come in,
though.
We need more girls.
I think the lads are struggling.
They get girls in bed
and do nothing.
I'm not even trying,
and I'm getting more action.
To be honest, I think
I'll call it a day with Olivia,
full stop, because...
I mean, you're not...
I'm fucking nowhere.
To be honest, she's got a nice arse,
but she's not fucking that fit.
Hey, Liam, I think she was
already over you, mate.
You should crack on with Kayleigh,
she means nothing to me.
I only did that to annoy Bear.
That's why I didn't try it on.
Too much kicking off.
I probably will crack on
with Kayleigh tonight.
She's fit, she's got
a cracking set of tits,
Olivia, move over.
I'm sliding into Kayleigh's DMs.
Even if it's your ex, I feel sick
for you and I don't really like you.
I have the sickest feeling
in my stomach about today.
How will you react if it is him?
I don't know, babe!
I don't fucking know.
Jemma is shitting herself.
Her ex-boyfriend, I've heard
he's done a lot of horrible things.
I still love him, I hate him
as well, that's the problem.
My feelings towards Hawley are so
extreme, anger, upset, everything.
I have never ever felt like this
in my life. I'm telling you now.
I'll just get my popcorn out
and enjoy the entertainment.
I'm gonna projectile vomit.
What's happening, Jemma?
Oh, my God.
I knew that if Hawley came
I was gonna feel bad,
but not as bad as this.
(crying) I can't deal with it.
.