Cash Register (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Titinski's Mother - full transcript

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Seven o'clock comes around,
Yanush isn't back.

Eight o'clock, he's not back.

Nine o'clock, he's not back.

Ten o'clock, he's not back.

Eleven o'clock,

he's not back.

Midnight... -He's back.

No. It's his brother, Zladek.

Zladek.
-And we're waiting.

One a.m., he's not back.



Two a.m., he's not back.

Three...
-Four, five, six, seven,

is he back or not?
-He's not back.

And for that you blabbered
for 15 minutes?

Good thing
you didn't divide it into minutes.

"7:01, he's not back, 7:02, he's not back..."
Enough is enough!

Closed. Sorry, he wore me out.
I need a cig.

Recently I've been treating the gang
to extra Chibotero time.

After my shift,
I set the gun aside,

roll up my sleeves
and help whoever I can.

Why not? They deserve it.

What did we do to deserve this?
-Doesn't Chibotero help you?

He helps, sure.

Like a stork
helps the engine of a Boeing.



What now?
-1.5 kilos schnitzel. -Alright.

Take a container.

Okay, let me, I'll do it.
-You asked me to help, no?

No.

No, no, no. -No?
-First the plastic wrap.

Put the plastic wrap...

Here you go.

1.5 kilos, tik tak tuk.

"Tiktaktuk” huh?
By the time he moves,

the schnitzel's been reincarnated
as the Saint from Jerba.

What else?
Come on, tell me, I'm on a roll here.

2 kilos chicken thighs VIP.
I'll do it.

How many times do I have to say it?

You have Chibotero, use him.
Alright?

Mr. Nissim Shimoni,
what's with Shuni's order?

On the grill.

What's with it?
What's with it?

This is what's with it.

I don't understand,
I sent him to Naomi.

And Naomi sent him to Boaz
who sent him to me.

How about you take him?
-Excuse me?

I took him yesterday
and the day before.

Fine. Call Shuni and tell her
to put a key under the mat,

'coz she ain't gonna see
her order until 3 a.m.

Chibotero, can you come with me?
I need you.

Suddenly everyone needs Chibotero.

Mom.

What's this, Amnon,

you opened a gym
and didn't tell me?

No, why?

Because I asked for eggplant,
not weights.

Lately Mom has a new thing,
she doesn't go to the supermarket alone.

She needs help.

What's it like going with Mom
to the supermarket?

Have you ever had root canal
without anesthesia? -No.

Ever been stung by a bee in the eye?
-No.

Ever shaved with a grater?
-No. -Then you won't understand.

Nothing good comes of you.
I am a history professor, yes?

You got the position

because the faculty didn't want
to promote the Kurd, that's why.

You see? This is a good eggplant.
Learn. -It's what I just gave you.

Fun, fun, fun!
Fun all the time.

Five o'clock, he's not back.
Six o'clock, he's not back.

In the end, he came back?
-No. He didn't come back.

All that and he didn’t come back?
Then why did you tell me?

I don't kmow,
so you'd suffer too.

What?

What, superstars?

What's that?
-Morons, don't you understand?

This is... professional riding outfit,
Tour de France.

Love the gear, Anatoly.
-Thank you, Shenkin.

My friend Slava infected me
with the bicycle bug.

As soon as I got infected,
I'm a new man, I sleep better,

I eat better,
I'm less hothead, more relax.

When did you buy it?
-Last night.

Second hand, perfect condition.

Lance Armstrong wears this.

If it's good for Lance Armstrong,
it's good for Anatoly Kirilenko.

Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de France.

Up until yesterday
you rode a bike with training wheels.

It's a long term investment.

I caught the bicycle bug.
-A two week investment maybe.

Any hobby you begin
is over within two weeks.

Like what hobby?
-Riding horses, capoeira,

parkour, cross-fit,
juggling, rappelling,

hiking, trekking,
yoga, Salsa,

put all that together,
you didn't last two weeks.

This time it's not a fling,
it's a Catholic wedding. -Ah.

I caught the bicycle bug.
-Sure you did. -Absolutely.

What can I say?
-No problem. -Enjoy.

It's jealousy.

"Issachar Bounty"

Amnon,
expires in six months.

You want me to die?

Get another one that lasts longer.
Longer. Take this. Go, go!

You want to kill me.
I know you won't attend my funeral.

What do you say, Mrs. Florence?
This or this?

I don't know, they're both nice.
-Pretend to take a bite.

Okay. Now this one.

Mrs. Florence,
I think we found the one for you,

the meant to be.
-Yes. -Meant to. -Thank you.

Why didn't I think of that?
The babysitter to the elderly.

The supermarket escort.

Help your mother instead of you?
-Well, what do you say?

Of course!

I'll be more than happy
to help Mrs. Titinsky.

Great, she's here with me now.
-I can fit you in on Thursday at four.

Will that do? -Thursday?
-Is Wednesday better?

I have either morning or noon.
-No, what are you talking about?

She's with me now,
I need you to take her right now.

No, no, Mr. Titinsky,
I just finished with Mrs. Florence.

I'm going to change my shirt
for Mrs. Tanami. -But...

And then Mrs. Doboch,
Mrs. Peterson, Mrs. Hatuel,

Mrs. Moshayoff, Mrs. Huberschmidt...
and she's shopping for a formal event...

Fine, fine, but Mom's an emergency,
get her in without an appointment.

I'm sorry, I... I'm fully booked.
-"Fully booked"?

Are you an orthopedic doctor?
We're talking bell peppers here.

A thousand apologies, Mr. Titinsky.

Oh, here you are, Ramzuliko.
Shira said I should help you.

Ah, okay. Again? -Yes.
-Alright, alright... Come with me.

Truth is... -What?

It's meant to!

What did he say?

"Issachar Bounty"

You're abandoning me to a stranger?

What if he's a terrorist?
-A terrorist who speaks Yiddish?

Shouts "A Yiddishe Mamme"
and explodes? -Quiet!

Where are you going?
-To meet... a friend.

Don't let me come home
and find you with lipstick again.

That was one time and I was seven.
Why do you keep bringing it up?

Well?

It can't be any worse than you.

Come to the meat counter.

I said, come to the meat counter!

I'm coming, no need to yell.
-Another imbecile... -Don't yell.

It's meant to.

"Issachar-Bounty"

I'm telling you, ignorance is power.
-"Ignorance is power"?

"Lady, why are you picking mint
from my garden?"

"Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't know it's private."

"Lady, why are you gobbling
all the pralines on the shelf?"

"I didn't know I can't taste them."

"Lady, why are you wearing a bathing suit
in a hotel synagogue?" "Oh, sorry..."

"I didn't know..."
-Exactly.

Anatoly, I gotta say,
really, hats off to you. You rock.

What's with the perseverance?
-I said it's not a fling.

Bicycle and Anatoly
a Catholic wedding.

In Russian it rhymes.
-In Hebrew too.

Bravo for persevering, Anatoly,
I wish I could. -I wish I could too.

You think I'm a moron?
That I really ride a bike?

I had it after two times,

my muscles are sore,
every nipple burns.

So why are you dressed like that?
-And let Nissim know he's night.?

Never!
Hasta la vista.

The man's an inspiration.
-Ew. It's disgusting.

"What a happy day today
What a happy day!

"What a happy day today
What a happy day!"

Why didn't I think of it before?

My mom's been shopping alone
for two weeks.

No "it's too soft,"
"it's too hard," "it's too kind of."

I only come in for a forgotten item.
I'm here for tomato juice

and it's off to the community center.
-What's at the community center?

Ballroom dancing, every Wednesday.
Mom and I, like clockwork.

Why did you choose that class?
-City hall subsidizes it.

The elderly get different classes.
Last year it was capoeira.

You know, Brazilian...

Mom was so good at it.

Mom, are you dressed?
I'm coming to pick you up.

What? Where to?

"Where to?" It's Wednesday,
to the community center.

Ah...

Oh, Amnon, the thing is...

uh... sweetheart,

Aunt Fania called,
she's not well,

I'm going to visit her.
You go alone this time, alright?

And dance with a stranger
who isn't my mother?

No, that's too weird.
-Well, I have to go,

I have this lack of interest.
Talk to you. Bye.

Hello?

Where's the darn tomato juice?
They keep putting it somewhere else.

Is this a supermarket
or "Treasure Hunt"?

Turn right after the meat counter,
left after the solids storeroom.

What?
-You're looking for Mrs. Titinsky, right?

No, I'm looking... "Mrs. Titinsky"?

I just saw her in the staff room.

I assumed you're looking for her.
-What?!

"Issachar Bounty"

Amnon, I'm sorry you found out this way.

Nice to meet you.

Mordechai.

"Nice to meet you"?
You see me twice a day.

You groped my underpants once,
even they know you.

Your mother is a princess,
I'm sure you know that.

Amnon, I wanted to tell you,
I was waiting for the right time.

Are you alright with this, Amnon?

Yes.

Yes, I'm alright with this.
Why wouldn't I be?

We're all adults, sensible people.

You have every right.

I thought to myself, why make
a drama out of it? It won't last as it is.

Who can stand her
for more than a few days but me?

Are you sure, son?
-I'm sure, I'm sure.

I give it a week tops.
Tops.

"Issachar Bounty"

Good morning, Vietnam.

Yo, yo!

Who's this Neil Armstrong?

Twenty kilometers every morning
releases amino acid big time.

Two weeks of this, every day,
you don't miss a day, huh?

Honestly, athletic men turn me on.

You know I'm on
the supermarket soccer team?

Me too.

Me too.

Nissim, your beard...

Where are you?
He'll be here any minute!

Let's go, on the double.

Bossga! -What the...
-Forgive me.

Where are you?
-In my office.

Everyone's waiting, you'll ruin the surprise.
-What surprise, Ramzi?

AG's birthday. Avihai Grazian...
-Aren't you in the group?

What group? -The supermarket!
-What's that?

"Issachar Bounty without the airhead"?
-Let's go, Avihai is coming,

I can smell the exhaust fumes.

Shit, why didn't you remind me?
-I have to remind you?!

Next you'll want me to remind you
when it's Passover.

It's the birthday of Bossga's Bossga.
The Big Bossga!

Okay, guys! -Shhh, he's coming.
-Avihai's party, excuse me... -He's coming.

Naomi... -Hide!
-Oh, come on... -Hide...

What's this... -Hide!
-He's coming... he's coming! Quiet!

Happy birthday!

"Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday, dear Avihai...

You guys...

We did good.

You nailed it.
How did you remember?

How did we remember?
Avihai, you're so funny.

Forgetting your birthday
is like forgetting Passover.

Cheers! -Cheers!

Dang... -Avihai?

What's with the putrid wine?

It's the holiday gift you gave us
on Rosh Hashanah.

We had a few bottles left.
-Oh yeah? -Uh huh.

It's an acquired taste.
-Absolutely. -Yes, yes.

"Give a cheer!

"A birthday, a birthday is here

"Give a cheer!

"A birthday, a birthday is here."

Wow, that was lucky.
How lucky I made it.

As it is my relationship with Avihai
isn't as warm as it was.

And had I forgotten his birthday,
it could've been the death blow.

So... thank God it's behind me.

I'll take some for the kids,
it's a shame to throw out.

You said the kids
are with Grandma in Eilat.

For when they come back.
-You said that's in two weeks.

How about zipping it?

What's this, Ramzi?
-A gift from me to Big Bossga.

No... Naomi, Naomi!
Go away.

I waited for everyone to leave
to give it to him in private.

Why? No, no, you can't
give him a gift. -But why not?

Because I didn't get him a gift.
You know how that will make me look?

Yes, but I got it.
-Okay, so let's give it...

from both of us, half and half.
-What?

This gift is from both of us,
half and half. We'll work it out,

say it's from both of us. -Fine.
- Avihai!

There's a gift too!
-What did you think?

'That we wouldn't get a gift?
-Of course we would. -Great.

It's from Ramzi and me.
-Here... -Oh, a card too! -Sure.

This is great. -Yes.

Can you read it?
I don't have my glasses.

With pleasure.

It's from both of us.
-From both of you. -Yes.

"To Avihai,

"Sweet as a banana,

"warm as a muffin,

"strong as a bag,

"but never decomposes."
-Never.

"Happy birthday, so awesome boss,

"yours, Ramzi,
all-purpose employee

"and Shira Steinbuch,
the nicest gal in town."

Happy birthday, AG!

Open it, open it,
lots of thought went into it.

Both our thought,
both our thought.

Yes, both of us.

What... What's this?

It's you.

The first man of the supermarket.

What... this is from both of you?
-It's so from both of us,

Ramzi and Shira,
Shira and Ramzi,

like that,- both of us.

Have you seen my cigarettes?

Who painted that?
-Both of us,

Ramzi and Shira,
Shira and Ramzi,

but most of it,
both of us.

Besides, the ear, it's spot on.

So this is how you see me?

"May your birthday be the best
and beyond...

"Happy birthday to you..."

Well?

If that Moldovan pipsqueak
can ride twenty kilometers a day,

the legendary super wing back
of soccer can't? Like hell.

Is it comfortable, Nissim?

The saleslady said,
if I can go like this, no problem.

You see? No problem.

Did you take your kid's pajama?

Hush, this is the official uniform
of Giro d'Italia.

You and "d'Italia"?

The only "d'Italia" you had
is the pizza roll at Gariani's.

I'll have you know,
the guy who sold me the bike

said I have Lance Armstrong quadriceps.
-You don't say. Neil.

Anatoly!

Nissim? -Eh?

You must have sneezed on me
and I caught the bug.

Now we can ride together,
what do you say?

This is great, Nissim, oh joy.

This sucks, Shenkin.
This is a tragedy.

Is this all I need?
Now he wants us to ride together.

I can't ride from here to the camera.
-Then why not tell him the truth?

So Nissim will gloat
that I'm lazy bones?

Beer, Shenkin?

"Issachar Bounty"

Hell's bells.
How does he do it?

Twenty kilometers
and he doesn't break a sweat?

I rode from my house
and I'm chafed down to my knees.

Ah, Nisnis!
-Toli.

How's it going?
-It's tough, huh?

What? Ah, no. "Tough."

I had something spicy before.

Spicy? -Hot peppers.

They say it bums the protecytes.

Instead of dates.

I think I cracked my tailbone.

So what now? Are you going to stop?
-You think?

And let that Moldovan rat think
he's better than me? Never!

Hello, Mom.

Hello, Mordechai.

I'm glad you're here.

Mordechai and I
want to tell you something.

There you go.
Did I tell you or didn't I?

The party's over.
Finita la putzi mutzi.

Who's moving in where?!

Mordechai, with us.

But there's no room!
Where will he sleep?

my room, of course.

Then where will I sleep?

You'll go back to your room.
And another thing,

please clear out the service cabinet
and throw out all the folders.

That's my PhD!
-Sweetheart, he's your son,

I don't want to get in the middle.
-You don't want to get in the middle?

It's a bit too late for that,
don't you think?!

Listen, son...
-Don't "son" me!

Tell him not to call me son!
Now he's calling me son!

You got stuck with no money

so you looked for a sucker
to mooch off of?

To make off with the inheritance?
-Amnon!

"Amnon"?!
Does he pay you rent?

Split the expenses with you?

What kind of person
lives in your home,

eats, sleeps
and doesn't pay a shekel?

You.

"Issachar Bounty"

Hey, Lance-Atoly!
-Ah, Nissimka.

You commin' to burn the road?
-Uh...

No... I have to oil the chain,
change the martisator.

Ah, the martisator.
-Yes, it bangs the curb, it...

I don't want to hold you up.
-Dude, let's do wheelies together.

Big deal, some other time,
we live to 120, no?

Go on, I don't want to hold you up.
-Okay, before the traffic jams. Bye.

Nissim, when you get to my level,
we'll ride together.

"Issachar-Bounty"

Avihai,

I need you to calculate the quarter.

No, I have to get up and exercise,
I strained my back.

Hold on.

Okay.
So when you're...

What?

How's the physique, Riki?

That joke is getting so old,
Avihai.

Riki, how's the physique?

Shira...
-Rebecca!

Good morning, Lance-Atoly.

Have you no shame?
You son of...

Get back here... you mother...

loser... piece of...

Get back here!

Stop, you...!

You!

You ruined my life.

You matched me up with the devil!

"Fully booked" he says to me.

Center, Mr. Titinsky.
"Fully booked" he says to me!

"Fully booked" he tells me!

-No, no, no...

What is this?!
Where are you?!

"Fully booked" he tells me!
-Sshhh calm down.

Calm down, Mr. Titinsky, calm down.
-I can't... -I'm here.

I'm here.
-Mom...

Mother dearest of mine

My mommy...

"I will call you, I will call..."

*To be continued