Cash Register (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Mercedes - full transcript

Kan 11 presents

Ah?

Nice.

"Ah?" The camera's broken,
it doesn't move.

It's slow motion, you moron.

Film me drawing my gun
in slow motion.

You're slow motion as it is.

If I add slow motion,
the image will stop. -You don't say.

Hey, hey, hey.
-Kohava, slow down. -Stop!

Good morning, cuties!

You see? My new Mercedes.
Everyone? Zoom in, zoom in.



My new Mercedes.
Bless its cylinder head.

Kohava, a Mercedes, way to go.
-Oh, stop it! -Stop what?

Being jealous of my Mercedes!
Always the same story.

On the one hand you have a Mercedes,
people get that you're better than them

and that suits me fine.

On the other hand,
it kills them that you have a Mercedes

and they give you the evil eye.
As if I'm rubbing it in their faces...

On the contrary.
I'm as modest as can be.

The new car always glows.
-It's a Mercedes.

I explained it a thousand times.

Not a car, a Mercedes.

Nissim, film me with the Mercedes
parking in slow motion.

I already filmed you parking.
-Yeah, but not in reverse.

In reverse it's more showy...



like I'm backing up without looking,
screw everyone.

Some other time, sweetie,
my battery just died.

But you said the battery
can last a month. —Zip it, moron.

It's not a Mercedes battery?

If you had a Mercedes battery
it would last a long time.

Mercedes. Big shit.

Listen, I'm happy for her,
don't get me wrong, but, dude,

every other word, "Mercedes."

"Film me parking the Mercedes,"
"film me signaling in the Mercedes."

Dude, did you see the car?

When Adam and Eve bought it
it was third hand.

Checkout

Esti, can you move
so I can park the Mercedes?

But why here?
There's tons of spots.

No, it'll get stolen there.
This isn't just any car, girl,

it's a Mercedes.
-Who would steal that lemon?

Kohava, we're good here,
don't be a drag. -Move a little.

Fine, you nag. -More, more.
Move the couch. More, more.

We can't move anymore.
-Until there. -Enough.

Esti. -No more.
-But I can't park the Mercedes.

I'm not budging.

You see?

If it was, let's say,
a Daihatsu Charade or a Daihatsu Camel,

whatever she rides in the village...
she would have moved for sure.

But no, everyone's so green-eyed.

They give you the evil eye,
open the evil eye,

any eye, you name it.

Esti sees me with the Fortuna,
her eyes pop out. -Fortuna?

It's what I call the Mercedes. Fortuna.
After my late grandmother.

Fortuna means luck.
Against all the evil eyes.

And I added a digit to the license plate
just in case. -What do you mean?

I added a digit to the license plate.

You know, for good luck.
A friend who's like a rabbi suggested it.

Nissim! Nissim, look!
-What now? -1,2, 3!

Ta-da!

Oh my, now that's what I call fresh.
-Fresh... it's a gift for Masha.

Does she know how to slaughter?
-It's not food, Nissim.

They're lovebirds.
Anatolinka and Mashinka.

A normal person forgets an anniversary,

takes his wife to a hamburger joint,
to a weekend at "Meridian."

What's with the birds?
-I didn't only forget our anniversary.

What else? -Valentine's, bday,
her mother's name,

that she's allergic to mangos.
I forgot.

Just say what you remembered...

Ramzi, should I drive slower?

I want it to look like slow motion
in the video. -Video?

Ms. Kohava, I fear I don't have...
that format on my device.

Now you tell me?

You can ask Nissim, I surmise.
-You surmise. Thank you.

A 1976 Mercedes 230E?
-Finally someone's happy for me.

Kohava. -What?
-Indulge me with a ride. -Nope.

Kohava, please.
-I'm sorry.

Kohava, I'll do anything.
Ramzi, tell her I'll do anything.

He'll do anything.
-Anything? -Anything?

Talk to me. -Talk to him.

What are you doing?

The salesman in the bird shop
said these are lovebirds

and I have to sing to them
to help them sing.

Join me in the chorus.

How will they sing at the meat counter,
smarty pants? -Why not, Nissim?

You see this one?
This is her niece.

You see this one?
This is his nephew thrice removed.

Oy vey, Nissim, what have I done?

I ruined the birds,
I got them all depressed.

You didn't ruin anything.

Let's take them outside,
the sunshine will do them good,

they won't see these horrors,
maybe they'll start singing.

Don't look, don't look.
They're plastic, plastic.

I hope the birds will be alright outside.
-Anatoly, think positive, it's all good.

What's this? -What?
-Hell no.

Damn, how did that happen?
-How would I know? I was with you!

What's with all the yelling?
-My phone's broken. -No!

I swear, there's all this evil eye
around here. Maybe you inhaled some,

it's called passive evil eye.
Passive evil eye.

Did I tell you
that Grandma Fortuna sees all?

Did I or didn't I? Nissim gave me grief
about the slow motion,

bam! His phone broke.
That's so Grandma Fortuna.

All the way, classy, no mercy.

Hey...
What're the cops doing here?

I'll be right back.

Have you gone nuts?
-Give me your hand.

But we didn't do anything! Why are you
arresting us? Don't touch me!

we didn't do anything! Why are you
arresting us? Don't touch me!

Thanks, Grandma,
my guardian devil.

Keep it cornin', Grandma,
you're on a roll!

Who's next? Ah?

Nissim!
Nissim, help me, fast!

Ew, what's-that?

It's Mashinka and Tolinka, Nissim.
-Are you sure?

Am I sure? They were outside.
They're black as soot.

Don't just stand there,
call an ambulance, Nissim!

An ambulance?
You need the Burial Society!

Don't say that!
-Anatoly, I've been a butcher for 20 years.

If there's anything I know about,
it's dead birds.

No, why... Why?
-Don't cry, Anatollnka.

Why did they leave me?
-Enough, Anatoly.

Boom. 3:0 to Kohava.
And you didn't believe me.

You mess with Fortuna,
you bear the consequences.

I don't think Anatoly said
anything bad about Fortuna.

You have a point.
Let's call it "friendly fire."

Kohava! Kohava!

Don't disturb,
I'm interviewing and relaxing.

Kohava, your car is going up in flames.
-What?!

Oh my God!

Don't cry. Get it all out.

You're confusing me!

What's going on?
What happened?

Kohava's car went up in flames.
-Mercedes!

And a car doesn't go up in flames
for no reason.

It's not a "Issachar Bounty" costume.

What are you trying to say?

I'm not trying.
I blame all of you!

You and your evil eye!
-Hey, Kohava, calm down. -What?

I won't calm down.
Now I don't have a Mercedes.

I'm just an ordinary person
without a Mercedes. -Sha, sha...

Cut the "sha sha"!

That's enough, Kohava.
You'll get over it.

What would Grandma Fortuna say?

Grandma Fortuna, rest her soul,

would say: "Get up, Kohava."
-Right.

"Head up." -Wonderful.
-"Back straight." -Excellent.

"Avenge them one by one.
Open the gates of hell on them."

No, Ms. Kohava,

I would never argue
with Grandma's imaginary will,

but first you must find out
who committed this heinous act

and settle the score with him alone.

But isn't it easier to take revenge
on everyone in one go?

Best you don't.
-But how will I know who's guilty

when I'm immersed in grief
and feelings of vengeance?

I think I know someone who can help.
-Does he have a Mercedes?

It's time to dust off my detective skills.

Oops.

I painted the secure room.

"Issachar Bounty"

Why don't you take an 8-pack
instead of one yogurt a day?

You want my fridge to cool them?

Do you see "chump"
written on my forehead?

1.60.

In Berlin it costs half.

Then why don't you go there?
Just go already!

I'll pay for your first class ticket,
just leave us alone!

This is 50.

And 100.

Here. Your receipt.

Did you see that?
-I didn't get what happened.

You didn't see?
gave her a 50 shekel bill

and she gave me change for 100.

I made 50 shekels just like that.
-So you're taking the money?

Isn't that stealing, Amnon?
-Stealing?

Did I hold her up at gunpoint?
She gave it to me of her own accord.

Besides, they stole from me first.
In 2013, I dropped a coin in the sewer.

You think they helped me? My ass.
That's stealing.

All I need now
is for the cashier not to notice,

to sneak out with the loot,
thank you, have a nice weekend.

Wait, hold on.

Get over here, Amnon.

Is there a problem?

I didn't offer you our specials.
-The what? -Our specials.

No need, thanks.

Amnon, Amnon.

I think I got mixed up.

"Thy beauty, O Israel,
upon thy high places is slain."

50 shekels - gone.

I think I got your bill wrong.

It's moments like these
that you gotta play it cool.

What?
-Gimme the yogurt.

Naomi. -What?
-Is this the yogurt that was recalled?

May 1. -Yes.

I thought I threw them all out,
I'll check again.

These yogurts were recalled.
This series has salmonella.

Give it back, I'll refund you.

Give me the change I gave you.

Amnon, not now, gimme a break.
-I'd rather not.

Okay, fine.

I'll give you the change, but...
I want to say something before I do.

Idiot, can't you see?

You just don't see!

Drop the money!
I don't want help!

Amnon, how are you?
-Great, wonderful.

That was some accident,
you ran out into the road.

Some accident?
It doesn't compare to a 50.

I reserved a table for me and Mom
for 16:30, on time for the noon specials.

A table for two for 50 shekels?

A bread basket - 22,
butter - 4, olives - 6,

side order of bread - 6,
side order of bread - 6,

side order of bread - 6.
50 shekels.

Talk to me, Fortuna.

Who hurt you?

Forensic evidence.

What is this?

Looks like a fringe
from a bag with fringes.

A forensic fringe.

Now comes the less palatable part
of a detective's job -

Gathering evidence.

But I mustn't let my feelings
or my acquaintance with the suspects

get in the way of the investigation.

Once I set foot in the interrogation room,
friendship remains outside.

Did you set Kohava's car on fire?
-Dude...

Where were you on June 1 at 14:22?

I don't remember.

Anatoly, Anatoly,

Anatoly, Anatoly.

What "Anatoly, Anatoly"?

Nothing, it's a nice name.

I just noticed.

Anatoly.

Where were you yesterday
between 07:00 and 07:05?

I don't remember.

Where were you today
three minutes ago?

I don't remember.

Thank you, Mr. Chibotero,
you've been very helpful. -My pleasure.

Dear employees,
esteemed employees, Kohava.

Kohava? Koh... Kohava!

This past week I followed you
back and forth, back and forth

in order to find out
who is responsible for Fortuna's demise.

Sadly, you all had a motive.
-Cut the crap, Ramzi.

You will listen to the detective!
You will all pay!

Kohava.

What nonsense, I swear.
-What's that?

Nonsense, Nissim?

Indeed?

What do you want, Ramzi?

If memory serves me correctly,
you said, and I quote,

"I swear, Ramzi, if I catch
whoever broke my phone,

"I will screw them royally.
Ptooey, spit, snort," end quote.

What's that got to do with Kohava's car?

During my investigation
I discovered an amazing detail.

Anatoly, Anatoly, Anatoly.

Franco, Franco,
I said it ten times already.

I know,
just love that name.

Anatoly.

Mr. Franco, I am investigating
a grave case of vandalism

that occurred in the parking lot.
-It was Kohava. I just obeyed orders.

She wanted me to film in slow motion.
-What are you talking about?

Nissim's phone.

What are you talking about?
-Go on, Mr. Franco.

I wanted a ride in the Mercedes,
she said, "Fine, you wanna ride?

"Get me Nissim's phone."

When they left the meat counter
I snatched his phone

and went out to film Kohava.

Again.

Yes.
-Tiger. Got it?

Am I oozing? Am I oozing?

From there! From up there!

Got it? -Got it.

Everything went smoothly, I was about
to return it to the meat counter undetected,

but then..

Say Mercedes. -Mercedes!

You set Fortuna on fire
because of a phone?

You broke my NASA phone!
-You're comparing NASA to classa?

What?! That crumby car...
-Kohava...

Kohava! It wasn't Nissim.
-What?

During the act of arson,
Nissim was stuck in the bathroom.

Huh?

This recording was sent to me
at the time of the arson.

"Ramzi, where are you?
I'm claustrophobic, Ramzi.

"Ramzi, I'm claustrophobic, Ramzi..."
-Okay, turn it off, they got it.

Forgive me, Nissim. My bad.
-No, you'll pay for my broken phone,

you hear me? -Uh...
we're talking about the Mercedes.

Organize an incident of your own,
then you can say what you want.

Ramzi, I got the gist,
can I go or am I a suspect too?

Heaven forbid.
No one said you torched her car.

Thank you.
-But no one said you didn't!

I knew it..

Let's be honest, Esti.
You did have a motive.

Just this week
the police arrested you, right?

So I thought,
if I find whoever filed a complaint,

maybe I will have a tiny lead
in my investigation.

If I discover who filed a complaint,

I'll take your lead
and choke them with it!

Then maybe you'll be happy to hear

that I spoke to my cousin,
Bashra Abed Ramzi,

who happens to be a police dispatcher,
and he procured this recording.

"Police."

"Hello, I want to complain
about two parasites

"sitting outside 'Issachar Bounty'
preventing people from parking."

"Ma'am, we don't handle parking beefs."

"No, no, no, hold on.
It's not a parking beef,

"they're also... what's it called...
they're total vandals."

Vandalism, vandalism.
-"They're smashing windows.

"You hear that?"

"Ma'am, call the city dispatch,
not the police. Have a nice day."

"Hey, hey, hold on..."
-"What?"

"Did I mention they're Ethiopians?"

"A police car is on the way.
What's your name, Ma'am?"

"Shira Steinbuch. S-T-E-I-N-BUCH.
But come quick, okay?"

So Shira told on Esti,
how does that advance the investigation?

Are you insane?!

I was in a cell for five hours
with a jonesing junkie!

Changing the subject again...

The subject is how and why
you torched Fortuna.

I did not torch your car!
Don't you get it?

Oh please, you can't go like this.
-You're nuts. -Kohava...

It's not Esti.
-What?

Esti was at the police station
with that... esteemed junkie.

Ah. Forgive me, Esti, my bad.
Water under the bridge.

But no doubt the noose is tightening

around the real arsonist's neck.

Oh, God. -I knew it. It's happening.
I knew...

Sorry, I leaned on the switch.
-Ah.

Anatoly. Where's Anatoly?!
-Where's Toli?

I knew it! Where's Anatoly?
Someone find... -I'm here!

I had something in my shoe.
-Ah.

Anatoly, Anatoly, Toli, Toll.

A name that is poetry to all ears.

And despite the colorful name,
our Toli had a motive too. -No...

I don't have a motive.
I never have a motive.

Then what do you say to this?

Tolinka and Mashinka.

I found this feather
next to the arson scene.

But... I asked myself-
black soot on a blue feather?

Once again the answer came
from an unexpected source.

She didn't give me a ride in the end.
Forget a ride, the gas pedal.

She pressed the gas pedal.
I just watched her like a kid.

But, oh, how she purrs.
The Mercedes, not Kohava.

Wow, Kohava! Listen... Nice!

Don't lean on the upholstery.

Don't lean on the upholstery!

Tolinka and Mashinka
died because of Kohava?

I'll slice you into goulash!
-Shame on you!

Kohava! Anatoly isn't the arsonist!
-What?

Then why do you get me all riled up?
Cut the crap, I want a name now!

As you please, you're the customer.

Alright.

After much detective work,
I hereby inform

that the culprit responsible
for setting Kohava's car on fire is...

is...

are...

I don't know.

What?
-I... I don't know.

What?!
-You had us sit here for nothing?!

Steve Jobs says that the path
is no less important than the result.

Steve Jobs is dead, idiot.
-Hold on, the security cameras,

are you sure nothing was caught
on the security cameras?

Check... security cameras.

No, seriously? -Do we get paid for this?
Do we get paid for these two hours?

There were...

a few snafus in the investigation.
I admit it, but no worries,

I will launch an investigation
into the snafus of the investigation.

I'll leave no stone unturned until I find
the person responsible for the snafus.

Here. -What?
-One minute before the fire.

Whoa.

I can't hear a thing.
-Quiet!

Show it again, I don't..
Again, I didn't get it.

It happened on its own,
there's no one there, hello.

Show me again, I didn't get it.
-There's no one there.

Oh well.

It seems that... a car can burn
out of nowhere.

It's... a glitch in the production
of this specific model, I guess.

Oh, wow. -Yes.

You can take it up with
the Mercedes company, no?

That's the thing...

It seems that... that... you know...

that it's not exactly a Mercedes.

What was that? What do you mean?
-I mean what I mean.

That someone put the ornament on
in some Arab village or something,

where they put ornaments on, whatever.
Turns out it's a Fiat.

Even with a burnt Fiat
I'm better than everyone. How's that?

What matters is
that no one was hurt.

Water under the bridge.

Hey, Nissim, Nissim,
can I get a ride?

Anatoly!

Anatol m man
how are you getting back?

Esti, Esti, can I use your ticket
on the bus, please? Just once.

Great, I got the drift.

You and your evil eye again.
Fine and dandy.

I'm a big person.

I forgave you.
Can't you forgive me?

Okay, fine. No problem.

You hear me, Grandma?
Get on it. Thanks.

Subtitles: Trans Titles Ltd.
Translation: Tammy King