Carters Get Rich (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
The Carters are a normal family from Milton Keynes - until 11-year-old son Harry creates a social networking app that takes the world by storm. American tech tycoon Trent Zebrisky snaps up the app.
Ever wonder what it would be like
if your 11-year-old kid earned more
in a week than you do in a year.
Welcome to my world!
I'm Tony Carter, and this is
my house in Milton Keynes.
The one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son, Harry,
came up with Honc, an app
to help him talk to girls.
It used to be my shed.
Oh, I miss my shed!
Anyway, I don't really
get social networking.
- If I did,
- _
I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAPs.
But it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though!
Now some big tech company
wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us?
Nah!
♪♪
_
Let's talk!
Ooh! Straight to the point!
Super! Well...
I think you will be
very interested in this.
- Is that the money?
- No, it is our CEO, Mr Trent Zebriski,
who would like to say
hi from California!
MUSIC: "Also Sprach
Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss.
♪ Everybody dance now
MUSIC: "Gonna Make You
Sweat" by C+C Music Factory.
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
Come on, everybody! Dance!
Come on! There we go!
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Everybody dance now... ♪
Woo! Yeah! I like it!
That's what I'm talking about!
Brett, take a note.
From now on, every single meeting
starts with a dance-off.
On it, Trent.
Carters, pleasure to meet you. Harry!
(LAUGHS) Look at you, dude!
When I saw Honc, wow!
I was super-frigging stoked, man.
And you invented it in your shed?!
That's phenomenal. What is that?
Guys, what's a... (STATIC) shed?
Er, it's a small garden building, sir.
Used to house lawn-mowers,
rakes and hoes.
Ho's in the garden?!
Harry, I like how you roll, bro!
So, what is the Honc story?
He did it to talk to a girl he fancies!
No, I didn't!
We've all read your diary, love!
(LAUGHS
Wow! Love that, guys,
don't you? So fricking real!
Take notes. That is real.
So, Harry, Honc is the
future of social media.
Facebook has been taken over by
moms, Twitter is full of trolls,
but Honc...
is just for kids. We're gonna make
it the biggest site in the world
and you guys very rich.
I'm afraid it's gonna take
a bit more than just...
..ten million pounds?!
♪♪
(THEME MUSIC)
Ten million pounds?!
Um...
When will we get the money by?
- The end of the week?
- I could get a PS4!
- I could get my boobs done!
- I could get my hair cut!
Wait. Wait a minute. Harry's
11. I mean, he's a smart lad,
but he's not ready to be the boss
of a multi-million-pound company!
Don't worry about a thing.
See that big, giant head there?
That is Oliver, right?
He's gonna walk with you
every step of the way.
He's a douche-bag, but he's
a whizz with business stuff.
And the only one willing to
relocate to Milton Keynes!
Right? Love that!
So, Harry, what do you say, bro?
(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS)
♪ The best things in life are free ♪
♪ You can give it to the birds and bees ♪
♪ I want money ♪
♪ That's what I want ♪
♪ That's all I want ♪
- ♪ That's what I want ♪
- _
♪ That's what I want... ♪
Guy Fawkes Night lighting
up time in T minus 11 hours.
Bonfire goes up at seven and I
want you both ready to go at 25 to.
Yes! Mum said I can squirt petrol on it.
Oh? She can also take you to the
Burns Unit when your face is on fire.
No-one cares about your bonfire, Tony,
because I've found a firework
that's so incredible,
it's banned in Holland!
It's called the War-head!
And it was only 300 quid.
We're not spending Harry's money!
It hasn't even arrived, yet!
- What do you take me for?
- Wow! An espresso machine!
That's nothing!
- (DOORBELL)
- Get the door, Ellie.
I don't mind buying a
nuclear firework, Dad.
I know you don't, son.
But I don't want you to.
Nothing's gonna change just
cos you're a millionaire.
Harry, Richard Branson for you.
Just wants to say congrats!
I can't talk to Richard Branson!
Oh, Um... Yeah. He'll
call you back, Dick-Dick.
He's right in the middle
of something... Alright.
Well, good morning, Carter family! Now,
first things first. The sale of
Honc has all gone tickety-boo.
The money will be with you by
the end of the week.
Ker-ching!
Secondly, there is a press
conference this afternoon
and Mr Zebriski is flying in especially.
And he's rather keen on you all
coming back to London for it.
Great!
No chance. Harry's got school
and it's football this afternoon.
I can miss football, Dad.
You've seen me play.
You can get better!
Oh, give up on that, Tone.
It's never gonna happen!
And also, it is the Carter family
bonfire extravaganza tonight.
I'm not cancelling it. I've
already bought the baked potatoes.
- (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
- What's that?
Oh, I signed for it.
Somebody's bought ten iPads.
Oh, I'll take that! It's
probably for next door.
♪♪
Right. I've got to get to work.
Drop me off here. I can
walk the rest of the way.
♪ Harry and Tasha sitting in a tree ♪
♪ C-I-S-S-E-N-G! ♪
Shut up!
Oh, so that's her, is it?
My advice, pretend you don't like her.
Dad, no-one does that any more!
Ah, when I wanted to chat your mum up,
I just punched her on
the arm and ran away.
And we met at work!
This is exactly the
reason why I invented Honc.
♪♪
OK. Are you all buckled up?
So, what is this "We
Will Rock You" about?
It's a musical about your
favourite type of chairs. Ooh!
- Right, are we all on?
- ALL: Yes.
Right, then let's go!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Hold on! I've forgotten
my Kendal Mint Cake.
(STOPS ENGINE)
Are we there already? That
was quick! Thank you, driver!
- Thank you!
- No!
Sit down! Sit, Ethel, please. Thank you!
What did you want to talk to me about?
Ah, yes.
It would be rather wonderful
if you and your family
could attend the Honc
press launch this afternoon.
Ah Well, we'd love to,
but you heard Tony.
Oh, yes, absolutely. And I
completely respect his decision.
It's just, if the press
launch were to go well,
Harry could see the value
of his shares quadruple.
We're not just talking
millions of pounds, Liz,
we are talking hundreds of millions.
So, I was wondering
if perhaps Harry could
bunk off and come to London,
and we could just not tell Tony.
You want me to lie?
You want me to deceive the man
I love? To go behind his back?
- W-Well, I-I...
- No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine with it.
Just wanted to make sure that
we're on the same page. Oh!
Harry!
- Oh, God, I can do this!
- (CRUNCH)
- Good tackle, Jayden.
- Strong. Shut up.
Harry. Llook! I'm in a helicopter!
A bloody helicopter!
Come and have a ride!
Mum, what's going on?
We're bunking off to go to
the press launch for Honc!
I can't go like this! These
shorts are from Lost Property!
Who cares?
- We're going in a helicopter!
- What about Dad?
We're going on a helicopter!
♪ You gonna touch the sky, baby girl ♪
♪ Testify, come up in
the spot looking extra fly ♪
♪ 'Fore the day you die,
you gonna touch the sky ♪
♪ Sky-high I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high... ♪
Harry!
Harry, my boy! It's
very good to see you!
Ha-ha-ha!
- Ladies!
- Hello!
Mmm!
You're so much taller
in real life, aren't you?
Ha! That is literally the
funniest thing I've ever heard!
Of course you remember Mr Zebriski,
the owner of Zebriski Tech!
Love the way he says that!
The "ohner"!
Not quite, sir, it's "owner".
- Ohner.
- Owner.
- Ohna?
- Ow-Na!
Ohna.
- Owna.
- Ohna.
Yes, that's absolutely
right, sir. Spot on!
Nailed it!
So, how was We Will Rock You?
- Gayer than I thought it would be.
- I loved it!
RADIO: 'In some more local news,
'11-year-old schoolboy Harry
Carter is about to appear on stage
'at a press conference
in central London.
'The creator of social media app Honc
will face questions from the press
about the acquisition of... '
We're going the wrong way!
Shush, Ethel. You're confused.
'CEO and founder Trent
Zebriski kicks off proceedings.'
Once upon a time in a land called
Milton "Keyness" there lived a boy.
This boy had an idea.
That idea... Was Honc.
An idea so massive, it was
bursting to get out of his head.
Until one day, it exploded.
The idea, not his head!
Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Carter!
(CLAMOUR OF PRESS QUESTIONS)
(WHISPERS) Please no! Please no!
PRESS: Harry, how do you feel?
- I don't believe this!
- 'Mrs Carter, '
- you must be very proud.
- Yeah, very proud. Very proud of him.
When Harry first started shutting
himself away on his computer,
I thought like any parent
would. You know, "puberty".
Which is interesting, actually, cos
he's quite a late developer.
Mum!
Unlike Ellie. She was in a trainer
bra by her ninth birthday!
(UNDER HER BREATH) Please stop talking!
PRESS: Harry, how do you
plan on spending the money?
Three days I've been planning this!
What are you looking at?
(MUMBLES ANGRILY)
What? What?!
Who needs three kettles and five
iPods? The woman's out of control!
♪♪
(LAUGHTER)
- Been shopping?
- Shall we do the fireworks?
Bonfire Night is cancelled.
You clearly had better things to do(!)
- Well, I can explain.
- Explain what?
Why London's more important? Hmm?
I specifically said
that I didn't want Harry to
go to that press conference.
And you went behind my back!
Is this cos you didn't get
to go in the helicopter?
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
This is about our children's education.
It's about honesty.
And integrity. And trust.
And respect.
It is about the helicopter,
though, isn't it?
Yes, it's about the helicopter!
You know I always wanted
to go in a helicopter!
We can go in a helicopter again, Dad.
Well, you'll have a job.
Cos you're grounded. All of you!
Dad?
- Er, sorry, am I also grounded?
- Yes.
Right. I think that's
technically kidnap.
This is all your fault.
Let me tell you something,
you big, posh,
toffee-nosed bell-end,
we are proudly working class.
Oh, not this again!
We're middle class! We've been to Malta!
- Yeah, camping!
- We live on a cul-de-sac!
Which, interestingly,
means "bottom of the bag".
- We're working class because we work.
- Well, I go to work!
- It's a way of thinking!
- We've got ten iPads!
Not for much longer.
Cos all of this is going back tomorrow.
- Dad...
- I may not run a bank
- or be an internet billionaire...
- Dad...
But people rely on me, and
I don't let them down.
- Dad!
- What?
Sorry to bother you of an evening, Tony,
but can we go back to the home, now?
We think John's passed on!
♪♪
MUM: I'm coming in to the room.
I'm nearly in the room.
I'm actually in the room.
Mum, you don't need to keep doing that.
- Well, you'll thank me, one day.
- What do you want?
You know how you've always
been my favourite child?
You want money?
Well, I wouldn't normally ask,
it's just that the immersion
heater's packed in.
- We've got a combi boiler.
- Have we?
OK, fine. I want a new sofa.
Which I think, in many ways,
is even more important
than hot running water.
I told you, Mum, you
can have all the money.
No, no, no. Me and
your dad discussed that
and we feel that it's your
money and we shouldn't touch it
which is brilliant, and
I'm really happy about that.
- What were you looking at?
- Nothing.
Was it naked lady bits?
- No!
- Boy bits?
Just leave!
Harry, it's perfectly natural.
Your dad's got a whole
drawer that I know...
Mum!
Make sure you wash your hands.
(CLAMOUR OF VOICES)
- Harry, can you lend me a fiver?
- Harry, can I have your autograph?
- Snapchat me!
- Harry, you're so cute.
Harry, be my friend on Facebook.
- Harry, are you on Tinder?
- Harry...
Alright, everyone, leave him alone.
Off to registration, please.
I want to have a word.
I'm sorry about the
helicopter, Mr Summers.
- I can pay for a new football pitch.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
It's only a bit of grass.
What this school really needs
is a new staff room.
You know, I've always liked you, Henry.
Hi, Harry. Do you want to come
to the library after school
and help me with my... homework?
I'm going on a date with Natasha!
Probably not. You're grounded, remember.
Psst!
A gift from Alan Sugar.
No? Also, the Financial
Times would like an interview.
- I've pencilled you in for Monday.
- Oliver! What are you doing?
Oh, needs must, I'm afraid.
The school won't let me on the
premises without a police check.
I mean, ridiculous!
Do I look like a paedophile?
Yeah.
Oh, very well. I'll meet you
at the school gates at 3:30.
Yeah. That would be loads better.
Is there anything you
need me to do for you?
No, thanks.
Actually, I need you to cover for me.
Posh coffee? Posh coffee
from our new espresso machine?
I'm surprised you haven't
bought a dishwasher.
- I've already got one.
- What?!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Oh! Oh, me, yeah. Very funny.
Well, just for that,
you can do the dishes
while I drink this.
Can't be all that...
Mmm!
- Nice, isn't it?
- It's alright.
I know you like it cos you're
making your special noises!
I've had seven!
- Is that why you dismantled the kettle?
- Mm.
I just wanted something
to do with my hands.
Liz...
I don't like telling Harry
off. Do you think he's alright?
Yeah, he's fine. He's just got a
lot going on. Shall we go for a run?
- We never run any more!
- I'm gonna talk to him.
OK, cool. I'm gonna go for a run.
Liz, no more coffee!
Yeah! OK!
They put me in a dress
until the age of ten.
Well, of course I was confused.
Ah!
- He's a terribly good listener!
- Where's Harry?
I promised I wouldn't say.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, sorry! Didn't mean
to touch your hand!
It's alright.
Rich kid bothering you, Natasha?
As you're here, you may as
well do my homework, as well!
- Leave him alone!
- Who are you?
Well, I'm his dad, thank you very much!
You think it's OK to pick on him
just cos he's small and got eczema?
No-one knows about the eczema, Dad!
Really? I thought it
had spread up your back?
(PUPILS LAUGH)
There. I've done it. Please just go.
Alright.
Thanks a lot, Dad(!)
- Harry, wait!
- Do you know how embarrassing you are?
Yeah, I got a pretty good idea. Look,
I only stepped in cos I
thought you needed some help.
You know, sort him out.
I already sorted him out. I put
a massive virus on his laptop.
Wow! Things have really
changed since I was bullied!
Harry. Harry!
Look, I'm sorry.
But it's not easy being
the father of a genius!
And now with the money, and Honc,
it's all a bit new to me.
It's new to me, too, Dad.
Sorry I missed firework night.
It's alright. Maybe we can
do it again tonight, eh?
Hi, boys! Was that Mum?
♪♪
- Can we have some?
- Yeah, course you can!
- No.
- I mean, no.
If you want to get hammered,
you can go up the pub with your
mates like a normal 16-year-old.
Dad, do you think
the face you've drawn on the
guy looks a bit like Oliver?
- Somebody called?
- For crying out loud!
Good gosh, that is the
very spit of my Uncle Byram,
- who, ironically, died in a fire.
- Have you no home to go to?
Uh, no, actually, no.
I'm still saying at something
called a Travel Inn.
Now, I appreciate we may have got
off on the wrong foot a little,
so I come bearing a peace offering.
What's this, then?
This is confirmation
that the money from Honc has been
transferred to your account.
Congratulations! You are millionaires!
But just so you know, this
is not gonna change us.
Oh, come on, Tony! Let's celebrate!
- Wa-ha-ha!
- See what I mean?
And that's why I bought her... this!
- The war-head!
- Yeah.
I know I shouldn't have
after what I said.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I blew the last of our
savings on a racehorse.
(LAUGHTER)
- Woo!
- Rather phallic, one might say!
Yeah, and it looks like a knob!
Oh, wow!
I think this might be
the best day of my life!
What about the day you met me?
Oh, don't spoil it, Tony!
I am gonna so love being a millionaire!
if your 11-year-old kid earned more
in a week than you do in a year.
Welcome to my world!
I'm Tony Carter, and this is
my house in Milton Keynes.
The one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son, Harry,
came up with Honc, an app
to help him talk to girls.
It used to be my shed.
Oh, I miss my shed!
Anyway, I don't really
get social networking.
- If I did,
- _
I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAPs.
But it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though!
Now some big tech company
wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us?
Nah!
♪♪
_
Let's talk!
Ooh! Straight to the point!
Super! Well...
I think you will be
very interested in this.
- Is that the money?
- No, it is our CEO, Mr Trent Zebriski,
who would like to say
hi from California!
MUSIC: "Also Sprach
Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss.
♪ Everybody dance now
MUSIC: "Gonna Make You
Sweat" by C+C Music Factory.
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
Come on, everybody! Dance!
Come on! There we go!
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Everybody dance now... ♪
Woo! Yeah! I like it!
That's what I'm talking about!
Brett, take a note.
From now on, every single meeting
starts with a dance-off.
On it, Trent.
Carters, pleasure to meet you. Harry!
(LAUGHS) Look at you, dude!
When I saw Honc, wow!
I was super-frigging stoked, man.
And you invented it in your shed?!
That's phenomenal. What is that?
Guys, what's a... (STATIC) shed?
Er, it's a small garden building, sir.
Used to house lawn-mowers,
rakes and hoes.
Ho's in the garden?!
Harry, I like how you roll, bro!
So, what is the Honc story?
He did it to talk to a girl he fancies!
No, I didn't!
We've all read your diary, love!
(LAUGHS
Wow! Love that, guys,
don't you? So fricking real!
Take notes. That is real.
So, Harry, Honc is the
future of social media.
Facebook has been taken over by
moms, Twitter is full of trolls,
but Honc...
is just for kids. We're gonna make
it the biggest site in the world
and you guys very rich.
I'm afraid it's gonna take
a bit more than just...
..ten million pounds?!
♪♪
(THEME MUSIC)
Ten million pounds?!
Um...
When will we get the money by?
- The end of the week?
- I could get a PS4!
- I could get my boobs done!
- I could get my hair cut!
Wait. Wait a minute. Harry's
11. I mean, he's a smart lad,
but he's not ready to be the boss
of a multi-million-pound company!
Don't worry about a thing.
See that big, giant head there?
That is Oliver, right?
He's gonna walk with you
every step of the way.
He's a douche-bag, but he's
a whizz with business stuff.
And the only one willing to
relocate to Milton Keynes!
Right? Love that!
So, Harry, what do you say, bro?
(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS)
♪ The best things in life are free ♪
♪ You can give it to the birds and bees ♪
♪ I want money ♪
♪ That's what I want ♪
♪ That's all I want ♪
- ♪ That's what I want ♪
- _
♪ That's what I want... ♪
Guy Fawkes Night lighting
up time in T minus 11 hours.
Bonfire goes up at seven and I
want you both ready to go at 25 to.
Yes! Mum said I can squirt petrol on it.
Oh? She can also take you to the
Burns Unit when your face is on fire.
No-one cares about your bonfire, Tony,
because I've found a firework
that's so incredible,
it's banned in Holland!
It's called the War-head!
And it was only 300 quid.
We're not spending Harry's money!
It hasn't even arrived, yet!
- What do you take me for?
- Wow! An espresso machine!
That's nothing!
- (DOORBELL)
- Get the door, Ellie.
I don't mind buying a
nuclear firework, Dad.
I know you don't, son.
But I don't want you to.
Nothing's gonna change just
cos you're a millionaire.
Harry, Richard Branson for you.
Just wants to say congrats!
I can't talk to Richard Branson!
Oh, Um... Yeah. He'll
call you back, Dick-Dick.
He's right in the middle
of something... Alright.
Well, good morning, Carter family! Now,
first things first. The sale of
Honc has all gone tickety-boo.
The money will be with you by
the end of the week.
Ker-ching!
Secondly, there is a press
conference this afternoon
and Mr Zebriski is flying in especially.
And he's rather keen on you all
coming back to London for it.
Great!
No chance. Harry's got school
and it's football this afternoon.
I can miss football, Dad.
You've seen me play.
You can get better!
Oh, give up on that, Tone.
It's never gonna happen!
And also, it is the Carter family
bonfire extravaganza tonight.
I'm not cancelling it. I've
already bought the baked potatoes.
- (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
- What's that?
Oh, I signed for it.
Somebody's bought ten iPads.
Oh, I'll take that! It's
probably for next door.
♪♪
Right. I've got to get to work.
Drop me off here. I can
walk the rest of the way.
♪ Harry and Tasha sitting in a tree ♪
♪ C-I-S-S-E-N-G! ♪
Shut up!
Oh, so that's her, is it?
My advice, pretend you don't like her.
Dad, no-one does that any more!
Ah, when I wanted to chat your mum up,
I just punched her on
the arm and ran away.
And we met at work!
This is exactly the
reason why I invented Honc.
♪♪
OK. Are you all buckled up?
So, what is this "We
Will Rock You" about?
It's a musical about your
favourite type of chairs. Ooh!
- Right, are we all on?
- ALL: Yes.
Right, then let's go!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Hold on! I've forgotten
my Kendal Mint Cake.
(STOPS ENGINE)
Are we there already? That
was quick! Thank you, driver!
- Thank you!
- No!
Sit down! Sit, Ethel, please. Thank you!
What did you want to talk to me about?
Ah, yes.
It would be rather wonderful
if you and your family
could attend the Honc
press launch this afternoon.
Ah Well, we'd love to,
but you heard Tony.
Oh, yes, absolutely. And I
completely respect his decision.
It's just, if the press
launch were to go well,
Harry could see the value
of his shares quadruple.
We're not just talking
millions of pounds, Liz,
we are talking hundreds of millions.
So, I was wondering
if perhaps Harry could
bunk off and come to London,
and we could just not tell Tony.
You want me to lie?
You want me to deceive the man
I love? To go behind his back?
- W-Well, I-I...
- No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine with it.
Just wanted to make sure that
we're on the same page. Oh!
Harry!
- Oh, God, I can do this!
- (CRUNCH)
- Good tackle, Jayden.
- Strong. Shut up.
Harry. Llook! I'm in a helicopter!
A bloody helicopter!
Come and have a ride!
Mum, what's going on?
We're bunking off to go to
the press launch for Honc!
I can't go like this! These
shorts are from Lost Property!
Who cares?
- We're going in a helicopter!
- What about Dad?
We're going on a helicopter!
♪ You gonna touch the sky, baby girl ♪
♪ Testify, come up in
the spot looking extra fly ♪
♪ 'Fore the day you die,
you gonna touch the sky ♪
♪ Sky-high I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high ♪
♪ I'm I'm sky-high... ♪
Harry!
Harry, my boy! It's
very good to see you!
Ha-ha-ha!
- Ladies!
- Hello!
Mmm!
You're so much taller
in real life, aren't you?
Ha! That is literally the
funniest thing I've ever heard!
Of course you remember Mr Zebriski,
the owner of Zebriski Tech!
Love the way he says that!
The "ohner"!
Not quite, sir, it's "owner".
- Ohner.
- Owner.
- Ohna?
- Ow-Na!
Ohna.
- Owna.
- Ohna.
Yes, that's absolutely
right, sir. Spot on!
Nailed it!
So, how was We Will Rock You?
- Gayer than I thought it would be.
- I loved it!
RADIO: 'In some more local news,
'11-year-old schoolboy Harry
Carter is about to appear on stage
'at a press conference
in central London.
'The creator of social media app Honc
will face questions from the press
about the acquisition of... '
We're going the wrong way!
Shush, Ethel. You're confused.
'CEO and founder Trent
Zebriski kicks off proceedings.'
Once upon a time in a land called
Milton "Keyness" there lived a boy.
This boy had an idea.
That idea... Was Honc.
An idea so massive, it was
bursting to get out of his head.
Until one day, it exploded.
The idea, not his head!
Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Carter!
(CLAMOUR OF PRESS QUESTIONS)
(WHISPERS) Please no! Please no!
PRESS: Harry, how do you feel?
- I don't believe this!
- 'Mrs Carter, '
- you must be very proud.
- Yeah, very proud. Very proud of him.
When Harry first started shutting
himself away on his computer,
I thought like any parent
would. You know, "puberty".
Which is interesting, actually, cos
he's quite a late developer.
Mum!
Unlike Ellie. She was in a trainer
bra by her ninth birthday!
(UNDER HER BREATH) Please stop talking!
PRESS: Harry, how do you
plan on spending the money?
Three days I've been planning this!
What are you looking at?
(MUMBLES ANGRILY)
What? What?!
Who needs three kettles and five
iPods? The woman's out of control!
♪♪
(LAUGHTER)
- Been shopping?
- Shall we do the fireworks?
Bonfire Night is cancelled.
You clearly had better things to do(!)
- Well, I can explain.
- Explain what?
Why London's more important? Hmm?
I specifically said
that I didn't want Harry to
go to that press conference.
And you went behind my back!
Is this cos you didn't get
to go in the helicopter?
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
This is about our children's education.
It's about honesty.
And integrity. And trust.
And respect.
It is about the helicopter,
though, isn't it?
Yes, it's about the helicopter!
You know I always wanted
to go in a helicopter!
We can go in a helicopter again, Dad.
Well, you'll have a job.
Cos you're grounded. All of you!
Dad?
- Er, sorry, am I also grounded?
- Yes.
Right. I think that's
technically kidnap.
This is all your fault.
Let me tell you something,
you big, posh,
toffee-nosed bell-end,
we are proudly working class.
Oh, not this again!
We're middle class! We've been to Malta!
- Yeah, camping!
- We live on a cul-de-sac!
Which, interestingly,
means "bottom of the bag".
- We're working class because we work.
- Well, I go to work!
- It's a way of thinking!
- We've got ten iPads!
Not for much longer.
Cos all of this is going back tomorrow.
- Dad...
- I may not run a bank
- or be an internet billionaire...
- Dad...
But people rely on me, and
I don't let them down.
- Dad!
- What?
Sorry to bother you of an evening, Tony,
but can we go back to the home, now?
We think John's passed on!
♪♪
MUM: I'm coming in to the room.
I'm nearly in the room.
I'm actually in the room.
Mum, you don't need to keep doing that.
- Well, you'll thank me, one day.
- What do you want?
You know how you've always
been my favourite child?
You want money?
Well, I wouldn't normally ask,
it's just that the immersion
heater's packed in.
- We've got a combi boiler.
- Have we?
OK, fine. I want a new sofa.
Which I think, in many ways,
is even more important
than hot running water.
I told you, Mum, you
can have all the money.
No, no, no. Me and
your dad discussed that
and we feel that it's your
money and we shouldn't touch it
which is brilliant, and
I'm really happy about that.
- What were you looking at?
- Nothing.
Was it naked lady bits?
- No!
- Boy bits?
Just leave!
Harry, it's perfectly natural.
Your dad's got a whole
drawer that I know...
Mum!
Make sure you wash your hands.
(CLAMOUR OF VOICES)
- Harry, can you lend me a fiver?
- Harry, can I have your autograph?
- Snapchat me!
- Harry, you're so cute.
Harry, be my friend on Facebook.
- Harry, are you on Tinder?
- Harry...
Alright, everyone, leave him alone.
Off to registration, please.
I want to have a word.
I'm sorry about the
helicopter, Mr Summers.
- I can pay for a new football pitch.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
It's only a bit of grass.
What this school really needs
is a new staff room.
You know, I've always liked you, Henry.
Hi, Harry. Do you want to come
to the library after school
and help me with my... homework?
I'm going on a date with Natasha!
Probably not. You're grounded, remember.
Psst!
A gift from Alan Sugar.
No? Also, the Financial
Times would like an interview.
- I've pencilled you in for Monday.
- Oliver! What are you doing?
Oh, needs must, I'm afraid.
The school won't let me on the
premises without a police check.
I mean, ridiculous!
Do I look like a paedophile?
Yeah.
Oh, very well. I'll meet you
at the school gates at 3:30.
Yeah. That would be loads better.
Is there anything you
need me to do for you?
No, thanks.
Actually, I need you to cover for me.
Posh coffee? Posh coffee
from our new espresso machine?
I'm surprised you haven't
bought a dishwasher.
- I've already got one.
- What?!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Oh! Oh, me, yeah. Very funny.
Well, just for that,
you can do the dishes
while I drink this.
Can't be all that...
Mmm!
- Nice, isn't it?
- It's alright.
I know you like it cos you're
making your special noises!
I've had seven!
- Is that why you dismantled the kettle?
- Mm.
I just wanted something
to do with my hands.
Liz...
I don't like telling Harry
off. Do you think he's alright?
Yeah, he's fine. He's just got a
lot going on. Shall we go for a run?
- We never run any more!
- I'm gonna talk to him.
OK, cool. I'm gonna go for a run.
Liz, no more coffee!
Yeah! OK!
They put me in a dress
until the age of ten.
Well, of course I was confused.
Ah!
- He's a terribly good listener!
- Where's Harry?
I promised I wouldn't say.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, sorry! Didn't mean
to touch your hand!
It's alright.
Rich kid bothering you, Natasha?
As you're here, you may as
well do my homework, as well!
- Leave him alone!
- Who are you?
Well, I'm his dad, thank you very much!
You think it's OK to pick on him
just cos he's small and got eczema?
No-one knows about the eczema, Dad!
Really? I thought it
had spread up your back?
(PUPILS LAUGH)
There. I've done it. Please just go.
Alright.
Thanks a lot, Dad(!)
- Harry, wait!
- Do you know how embarrassing you are?
Yeah, I got a pretty good idea. Look,
I only stepped in cos I
thought you needed some help.
You know, sort him out.
I already sorted him out. I put
a massive virus on his laptop.
Wow! Things have really
changed since I was bullied!
Harry. Harry!
Look, I'm sorry.
But it's not easy being
the father of a genius!
And now with the money, and Honc,
it's all a bit new to me.
It's new to me, too, Dad.
Sorry I missed firework night.
It's alright. Maybe we can
do it again tonight, eh?
Hi, boys! Was that Mum?
♪♪
- Can we have some?
- Yeah, course you can!
- No.
- I mean, no.
If you want to get hammered,
you can go up the pub with your
mates like a normal 16-year-old.
Dad, do you think
the face you've drawn on the
guy looks a bit like Oliver?
- Somebody called?
- For crying out loud!
Good gosh, that is the
very spit of my Uncle Byram,
- who, ironically, died in a fire.
- Have you no home to go to?
Uh, no, actually, no.
I'm still saying at something
called a Travel Inn.
Now, I appreciate we may have got
off on the wrong foot a little,
so I come bearing a peace offering.
What's this, then?
This is confirmation
that the money from Honc has been
transferred to your account.
Congratulations! You are millionaires!
But just so you know, this
is not gonna change us.
Oh, come on, Tony! Let's celebrate!
- Wa-ha-ha!
- See what I mean?
And that's why I bought her... this!
- The war-head!
- Yeah.
I know I shouldn't have
after what I said.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I blew the last of our
savings on a racehorse.
(LAUGHTER)
- Woo!
- Rather phallic, one might say!
Yeah, and it looks like a knob!
Oh, wow!
I think this might be
the best day of my life!
What about the day you met me?
Oh, don't spoil it, Tony!
I am gonna so love being a millionaire!