Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 8 - Heir of the Dog - full transcript

The way you live says a lot

about the way
you're going to die.

Come on! Give me my fucking
soda, you asshole!

Bottom line is this, kids.

Some people just get
what they deserve.

Give me my fucking soda,
you stupid asshole machine!

Then there are the schmucks

who never should have existed
in the first place.

Richard, thank God I found you.

I have identified
your shadowy assassin.

Be gone.



Other people die exactly
as you'd expect them to.

Then there's the cockroaches,

the stubborn fucks who
just keep on ticking...

No matter what.

But the best death of all,

the bonus kill,

the one that comes with
a cash fucking reward.

I'm sorry.

There wasn't a thing we
could do for your father.

Yeah!

Good news.

Your father's going to be fine.

Fuck.

♪



♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'm half a man ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Without you... ♪

♪ Without you ♪

You forgot to put
an emergency contact

on Ken Fitzpatrick's
admission form.

Are you family?

And who wants to know?

I'm his daughter,
Meghan Fitzpatrick.

Are you're willing
to act as liaison

with the hospital on his behalf?

Oh, how much does that pay?

It's not a job offer.

Well, it sounds like
a lot of work to me.

And you want me
to do it for free,

after what this family's
put me through?

Forget it.

Let my degenerate brother
take responsibility for once.

Yeah, I'd love
to help you out, honey,

but I just called a cab.

And if you ever want a ride,

you call Uncle Fitzy.

Ring, a-ding, ding.

Ma'am, I would be
more than happy

to be put down as
Mr. Fitzpatrick's next of kin.

You're related?

Well, technically, yes,

as I am the living embodiment
of Richard's conscience.

There-Psych Ward is on five.

Really, Larry?

Does that shit ever fly?

One day it might.

Fuck, it smells
like death in here.

Well, it's the proximity
of the shadowy figure.

And by my estimation, Richard,
she is wearing support hose.

That's right. I found
that fortune teller.

And you now what she said?

Closer than you think.

Paging Dr. Ass-tard.

Your mouth is on line one and it
wants you to shut the fuck up!

Okay, you can see him now.

Fuck. I'm dead.

No!

Oh, thank Christ.

Hey, keep it down over there!

What is this?

Some kind
of back-alley peepshow?

You waited a long time to have
your cancerous testicle removed.

Now with your
high blood pressure

and today's cardial infraction-

Will you fucking speak English?

Surgery or bust, sunshine.

Emergency surgery?

Isn't that dangerous
for an old man?

Maybe even fatal?

Yeah, there's always
a risk of complications,

but tomorrow, double those odds.

Okay.

The money the old man's got
socked away, plus the pension,

minus the debt,
property value...

Hah.

Your bank account's
the only thing

about you that's
healthy, old man.

If I die, why should
you get a hot nickel?

Because I've been putting up-
Yeah, what about me?

What do I get?

Both of you need to get in line.

Technically, we are
still married.

Huh? What?

Maybe Mama forgot
to file the papers.

And enough of this
death talk, baby.

You're not going anywhere.

You're as strong as an ox.

Especially those balls. Fuck.

Get your fucking hands
off his balls,

you fucking old dragon.
Excuse me, Daddy,

I did everything
you said! I want my-

Excuse me, Daddy, I did
everything you said.

All right, everybody!
Shut the fuck up!

Tearing up the old will.

Writing a new one.

And if-When!

If I die-

Don't worry about me, sir-

You, especially,
will get squat and like it.

If I die, everything goes
to the disappointment

who disappointed me the least.

That's right.

Fill in that fucking blank.

I deserve that inheritance,

not Elaine, not Meghan.

Richard, call me crazy, but
it's a fairly minor procedure.

In all likelihood,
Ken won't even die.

Stop being so negative.

You need to concentrate on
the real problem at hand here:

Your mother!
Yes, get rid of her.

Wait! Me?

Yes, you.

You're the one who keeps
saying she's out to get me.

Keep an eye on her while
I get back to work.

Only way I'm going
to impress the old man

is to sell some cars.

Richard, we're in a hospital.

That's right, full of sickos
who sure as hell

won't be driving
themselves home.

It's the oldest scam
in the book, Larry.

Find a geezer,
low-ball him with a cash offer,

get him to sign
on the dotted line

and ring, a-ding, ding.

Game on, Mom.

Dr. Flores, dial 182,

Oh, excuse me.

I've asked about a private
room six times now, okay?

I don't want my father waking
up next to some sick immigrant.

No offence.

Poor Daddy.

He must be so scared.

Scared about losing his money.

He always was a greedy bastard.

Except in the sack.

Hey, if you guys
got back together,

then you would
just get the money,

like as a wife and a mother,

a mother who cares about her
recently divorced daughter's

need for inner-thigh
liposuction.

And outer thigh too.

Basically the entire thigh area.

Have I taught you nothing?

Actually, no.

Plastic surgery,
expensive trips to Hawaii,

meaningless sex, that's what
rich boyfriends are for.

Rupee doesn't believe
in plastic surgery,

or meaningless sex,

or being rich. Fuck him!

You see, now you're
using your head.

Nothing would make
your father happier

than getting rid of that
flaming pile of camel shit.

Okay, well, if there's
one thing I'm not doing,

it's taking relationship
advice from you.

You have horrible taste in men.

I mean, Daddy? Ugh.

Oh, excuse me.

Okay, I have asked-Excuse me!

Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

Hey, you got the papers?

Yeah.

Not those papers, idiot!

The sales contracts so
I can sign some new business.

Yeah, they're in the car.

Well, go fucking get them.

And whatever you do,
do not tell Dot where we are.

The last thing I need
is another piranha in panties

trying to oust me
out of the will.

You owe me for parking.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Tick, tock!

I got a sweet minivan
with your name all over it!

Come on! Let's do this!

My final offer. You're raping
me on this, you asshole.

All right, went you turn 16, you
remember, "Fitzpatrick Motors."

Uh...

Ooh.

Hm, opiates.

Just go. Just go.

Richard, we need to talk.

Making an effort to impress
Ken is commendable but-

Just doing what
I'm best at, pal.

Well, ha, ha, second best at.

Look, the situation
with your mother,

it's worse than I thought.

Always is.
Elaine is many things.

She's slim, foul-mouth,
dynamite in red,

but arrested for petty theft
and cheap seduction?

So she's old
and losing her touch.

Or she's experiencing emotion
for the first time.

And not only is she going
to kill you on the Beaver Moon,

she may actually enjoy it.

Will you shut up about
that fucking moon already?

You need to make
amends with her.

That means not competing
for Ken's money.

Competing? I've already
won, motherfucker.

Best thing about the burn ward,
other than the hickory aroma,

a lot of schmucks looking
to unload their rides.

Don't look so smug.

This is my face.

It is.

I'm this close to getting
Daddy a private room.

I'm this close to...

Okay, you know what?
Oh, grow up, the two of you.

Stop it.

Here.

Go get Mommy some ice.

No, I will not!

That was a first.

What? What?

There were some complications.

Testicular mis-assignment.

Huh?

Well, in golfer's terms,
we sunk the wrong ball.

Oh, you cross-eyed hack!

Oh, good news.

We managed to reattach it.

The bad news is,

well, we didn't exactly
get to the cancer nut.

We rescheduled
your dad for 6:00.

Excuse me. I need a drink.

Oh, I need a drink.

So this is hell?

Hey, you better make
a decision, old man,

before you go under
the knife again.

Who's it going to be?

Ten, five and 10 says I took
this will action and then some.

Two puddings.
Still working on the room.

I look hot in this skirt.

No other woman on this earth
would put up with you.

Cut the crap, lady.

You're here for the cash.

How do you think these
two blood-sucking

vultures learned to fly?

Well, you need me,
you worthless sack of shit.

I'm on the verge
of fucking death.

The only thing I need
is a fresh start, a new kid.

You haven't got the nuts.

I stored some junk before
the scalpel jockey had her fun.

Oh, no way
I'm ruining these tits.

They're brand new.

This is real life, Elaine,

not a fucking horror movie.

I called someone else to have
the kid, someone who cares.

Phone must not be working.

Oh, you're out of surgery.

Darling, aw.

Mm. Oh.

Fuck me.

Baby.

What kind of voodoo mind shit

are you playing
there, Dot Foxley?

The voodoo has been a little
touch and go lately.

I think Ken actually loves me.

Ironic, huh?

You know how Ken
Fitzpatrick spells "love"?

Fake jugs and a G-string
full of singles.

Sorry, AA, you don't qualify.

Look who's a grumpy
little stepson.

This is all a part of your
plan to fuck with me, isn't it?

Ever since you arrived,
a lot of people I care about

have turned up dead of missing:
Dexter Laine, Sonja.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm all about the gift of life.

Here's that turkey
baster you asked for.

Oh, fuck, Josh,
whose side are you on?

What did I do?

Excuse me.

I have to make a withdrawal
from the sperm bank.

Ah, it's you.

I see what you did
there with the whole-

Dr. Gomez to Emergency.
Dr. Gomez to Emergency.

I'll make it up to you, okay?

I'll get you cars,
trucks, motorbikes,

b- boats and just
a whole lot of-

I'll be right with you.

Look, I know the situation
seems insurmountable.

No, the situation is mounting

a rubber kitchen
utensil as we speak.

Richard, you're feeling
the pang of parental rejection.

And it's perfectly
natural when a new child

is introduced to the family.

Listen, Larry, a load
of my old man's spunk

isn't a new child, okay?

Spunk is not your
problem, mister.

Your problem is much
bigger than that,

far more serious,
far more evil and foul and-

Doh!

You stay away from Richard,
because I know your game, lady.

And I am rolling snake eyes.

That means you lost, idiot.

Does it? What do you want?

Another shot before you
fuck off with my money?

I bailed you out to get
rid of that psycho,

and now I'm stuck
with her forever.

It's just like you
to blame me for everything.

It's little league
all over again.

Little league?

Richard never went
to little league, Mom,

because his games conflicted
with your poker night, remember?

No.

Bar is closed.

Scram.

I know how to get rid
of the skirt for real.

Just what I need,
another missing woman.

I'm thinking more
along the lines

of no bun without
the baby batter.

Hah! What? So now
you take up baking?

Little late for that, Mom.

No, you moron.

We have to get rid
of Ken's sperm sample.

He said he stored it right
before he went into surgery.

Because there's no way
he could get it up for real.

We destroy the sample
before Miss Mary Fuck-Off

puts her paws on it.

Bye-bye, new baby.

Bye-bye, Dot.

No, don't you fall
for this, Richard.

It's another one
of her mind games.

This is vengeful
and spiteful and-

Haven't you caused enough
harm in this family, lady?

Yes, she has.

Now it's time to fuck up
the next generation.

Oh, that's Fitz's favourite car.

Is someone there?

Is that you, God?

Yes, my son.

Is it my time?

Look into the light.

Daddy, please!

I don't want a sister or another
brother or a Dot,

meanie office manager
who will take what's mine

and piss all over it.

It's not fair!

Fair?

What's fair about
you shacking up

with the chinks
across the street

and stealing my business?

Is that why you won't
put me in your will?

I need someone
who's here for me.

See? Magic.

How's my little patient feeling?

Like shit. Oh.

Thanks for asking.

Dot's going to give me
something I never had before,

a grateful little douchebag

who thinks the sun
shines out of my ass.

Are you still standing here?

Yes, I am.

And you know why?

Because that's what I do.

When we went to Tampa in '86,

and you all forgot me
at the gas station,

I stood there!

When I waited at the church
for you and Dick and Elaine

to come off you individual
benders on my wedding day,

I stood there.

Why?

Because I'm a Fitzpatrick,
and I'm loyal to the end!

I'll take it in the ass
for Team Fitzpatrick

and I'll take it hard.

I'll take it so fucking hard

without lube and without
stretching because-

Oh, my heavens, Mom!

And I got you your private room!

I lived a long life,
but not a good one.

I honestly didn't expect
a private audience.

Equal-oppertunity God, dude.

Oh, Lord,

I'm sorry for being
a miserable prick all my life.

Ah, you weren't that bad.

I was.

I only cared about my car.

That's why I'm here all alone.

My Sunday school
teacher was right.

You can't take it with you.

Well, actually, you can.

And we have valet.

Park it in the shade, Lord.

Hello, this is Ruptal,
the handsome one.

Please leave
a message at the tone.

Rupee, I'm sorry.

It's over.

My Daddy needs me
and I need my daddy-'s money.

Oh, fuck.

Dr. Rodriguez...

Richard, a spermicidal
killing frenzy

with one's mother does not
constitute making amends.

I'm not killing anything.

Sperm without an egg is
a like a car without wheels.

It's here. Shh, shh, shh.

Her fangs could
emerge at any moment.

Back off, ass douche!

I got this.

Oh, fuck!

Subtle.

Ugh!

The pros kick doors in.

Pussies pick logs.

Advice from a master criminal.

Jesus, you're the one who
just got caught shoplifting.

I know what I'm doing.
Do you really?

Yes, I do. Really?

Okay, would you both
please stop fighting?

Oh, that's not good.

Richard!

Mrs. Curzon?

Dr. Cohn to Emergency.

What are you doing here?

I received your message,
not my cousin.

He didn't hear me
break up with him?

I hate that machine.

You know I accidentally
pressed "erase"

while I was singing
to the heavens:

"At last the she-beast is dead!"

Thank you.

Hey, I'm not here
to console you.

Mom!

No names!

How are we supposed to know
which ones to flush?

All of them?

No child left behind.

Mama's not taking any chances.

Shit.

Liquid nitrogen.

Oh, free huff.

Or the sperm bank just
turned into a gas chamber.

Are you kidding me?

No.

Hello?

Fuck!

Where is that stretched out
homo when you need him?

Maybe Larry was right
about you after all.

What are you talking about?

You tricked me into helping you,

and now you're trying to gas me.

You were the one that wanted
me to get rid of Dot.

Yeah, but I didn't ask
you to stick around.

Well, maybe I still
love the bastard.

Who the fuck else has
the balls to deal with me.

Oh come on, Mom.
We got about five minutes left.

How about you take the truth
out for a test drive for once?

All right, you want the truth?

Yeah.

I got arrested on purpose,

because I knew you'd
bail me out eventually.

Fuck it, kid.

I'm lonely.

You happy?

You happy now?

No.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to lull me
into trusting you.

Ritchie?

No, no, I'm not falling
for it again, Mom.

Not this time.

You're the one in my nightmare.

You get out of my head.

You leave me alone.

Come on, kid.

I'm the one who's rolling
snake eyes lately.

Yeah.

And that means
this time you lose.

You're a dude.

Oh, thank God.

We need to talk before
security comes back.

Where is she?

Richard, there's something you
need to know about Elaine.

Yeah, she was actually
telling the truth for once.

Shut the fuck up over there.

I'm recuperating.

Richard, please let
me finish. Wait, wait.

You can't have
a baby with Dot Foxley.

Why the fuck not?

Elaine may be a shrew,
but in her own fucked up way,

she cares more about you
than Dot Foxley ever will.

Richard.
It wasn't a con this time.

She got herself
arrested on purpose

so she could come back to you.

That's fucking family
loyalty, old man.

That's a real Fitzpatrick,

something Dot Foxley
will never be!

Elaine left.

What?

She said you told her to leave,

and then she hijacked Josh

out of a car that
he just got for you.

Does it hurt

being a fuck up all the time?

Don't answer that.

Laughing makes my
balls hurt-Ball.

Pretty sure your soldiers
hit the beach, hon.

No, no, no, but you destroyed
all those samples.

Haven't you heard of the
old-fashioned way, asshole?

No, no, of course you wouldn't.

I'm so sorry, Richard.

Fuck off, Larry. Just fuck off.

She waited until
she knew you were okay.

So what did I miss?

Start marching, soldiers.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann