Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - Dysfunctional Family Circus - full transcript

Take it from Fitzy, kids.

There's only one secret
to staying alive

in this messed up world,

and that's taking care
of numero uno,

keeping track,
being in control.

Self-control
is a martial art.

Total control of your emotions,

behaviour and desire takes
training, practice, focus.

What the fuck?

Saving that last inch of Scotch

for the next morning:
self-control.



Passing up a blowjob

because she might have
herpes: self-control.

Convincing some guy
with a shotgun

that you didn't just
fuck his wife,

without pissing your pants,

Frank Sinatra wrote
a song about that one.

What the fuck?

So maybe some weird
shit's been happening,

shit I had nothing to do with.

It's going to take a lot more
than a run of bad luck

and blackouts to take down
Richard Fitzpatrick.

Motherfucker!

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd find my smile ♪



♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'm half a man ♪

♪ Without you ♪

Oh, Richard!
Oh, thank God I found you.

Now it's you turn to hide.

Go. I'll count
to a trillion.

This is no time for jokes.

You've been missing
for two days,

and a supernatural
fatwa is no time

to go on a bender, mister.

Sonja is missing.

Sonja is not fucking missing.

She's just trying
to teach me a lesson.

The dealership is crawling
with police officers.

Fuck, Albertan?

You cannot drown your
problems in alcohol.

God, I wish I could.

I'd start by drowning you.

"Farmington
Detention Facility"?

You have a collect
call from--

Get me the fuck out
of here! It's Mom.

Oh, fuck.

Just what I need today.

Is it Sonja?
Is she all right?

Listen, fuck face,
Sonja is fine.

Every time we break up,

she goes into
hiding for a week.

Or dark forces are
conspiring against you,

and Sonja's
their latest casualty.

I need a drink.

No, no!

You need to rest
and clear your head.

No, cum puddle.

What I need is to get some
rest and clear my head,

so I can figure out
what to fucking do next.

Give me that fucking bottle!

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

Only-- Only if
you stay here,

where I can keep track of you.

Just-- Just let
me deal with this.

And how are you going
to do that?

I know.

I'll find that
fortune-teller.

Yeah, because there must
be more to this prophecy:

a loophole, another clue.

Here! I'm on it.

Get me a burrito.

Extra salsa?

What the fuck do you think?

Ugh!

Yes, I found Sonja's car,

and I can assure
as assistant office manger--

She was missing for how long

before anyone noticed
before she was gone?

Look, you know how
crazy broads get

when they get that monthly
Rorschach test

in their panties.

Just hurry up.

Get out of here.

You're frightening off
the customers.

Oh, I agree, Daddy.

This is really not good
for business so--

I meant you.

What?

Ugh!

That rodeo tramp couldn't
find her ass with a map.

She'll find something.

Your son isn't as smart
as he thinks he is.

When he was in kindergarten,

that knob gobbler
flunked recess.

His favourite colour was four.

He thinks Planet of the Apes
is a documentary.

He thinks vagina is
a city in Saskatchewan.

He thinks General Motors
is the name of a soldier.

He's so stupid.

He's... so...

stupid.

Ew, really?

You and the petrified penis?

What a cute couple you make.

He's more of a man
than you'll ever be.

You got a lot of balls
showing your face in here.

I got a lot more
balls than you.

You're letting skirts
fight your battles now?

You've been harassing
Dot for weeks now.

Now I'm missing
my favourite receptionist.

I wonder what
the police will think

when I tell them
about the problems

you two were having,
the arguments.

She was distraught over you.

She's not missing,
you human urinal.

She's at home, crying
into her Ben & Jerry's.

Yeah, you stick to that story.

You'll be a prison-shower
luffa by the end of the week.

Now get the fuck off my lot.

I got a stake in this
fucking dealership.

I'm a partner.

Mm, from what I remember,
a very small partner.

Call me Mom.

You want to play
tough, old man?

I'll hit you with an old bat.

Josh! Josh!

I need your help.

No.
No-- Oh, God.

It's for Richard, a mission.

If you want to get rid of
that two-faced ex-girlfriend

of mine, I'm down.

If you want to get nachos,
I'm also down.

But I rather get rid of Dot
and then get some nachos.

Okay.
I've already been working on a plan.

Now, the table is the dealership.
Good.

This beer bottle is Fitzy.
Yeah.

These pliers are Dot.

This used teabag is you.
Why am I the--?

And this is me.

Now, Dot leaves the dealership

at 5:00 p.m.
exactly every night.

I follow her out.

When she drives away--

I signal to you
guys that she's gone.

Guys, she's gone!

And then you, me and Fitz all
run back in the dealership.

"I'm tall."
"Shut the fuck up, Larry."

"Ring, a-ding, ding."

And then we lock the doors.

Lock ourselves
inside the dealership?

That's your plan?

Well, it's Plan A.

Still got Plan B, C, D and F.

Okay, well, what's Plan E?
Plan E?

Jesus, Larry, I thought
you of all people

would appreciate the value
of human life. You're--

Josh, Josh, I need your
help for Richard!

If you want to get rid

of that two-faced
ex-girlfriend of mine, I'm down.

If you want to get nachos,
I'm also down.

Shut your mouth!

That will be all.
Yes, ma'am.

"Smoking can harm
or kill your baby."

Now they tell me.

Shoplifting, huh?

Amateur.

Support hose aren't cheap, kid.

You want out of here?

Sign this.

I need temporary proxy control
of your share of the dealership.

We all need something, baby.

Ken's got himself
a new psycho harpy.

They're trying to squeeze me

out of my dealership
and have me arrested.

I'll put that on the top of the
list of shit I don't care about.

I'm just trying to level
the playing field.

Ken's got a psycho harpy.

I need one too.
Fire with fire.

You know the deal.

I'm the only one
that can control

that bastard you call a father.

What's in it for me?

How about I don't leave
you here to rot alone?

Albertan?

What, are you
trying to kill me?

Don't tempt me.

Darn it, Richard.
I told you to stay home.

Oh, dear God!

Still hanging out
with the beanstalk?

Pays the bills.

Uh, can I get you something?

A drink?

Maybe a bus ticket?

I think I'm going
to freshen up.

Where's your coke?

Should be some
behind the soap dish.

Okay.

Richard, what is that
woman doing here?

Dot Foxley's making
a romance play for Ken.

She gets a share
of the dealership; I'm fucked.

That still doesn't explain
your mother's presence.

I'm going to lock Ken in
a room with that cock dragon

until he swears off women
or kills himself.

Either way, I win.

Okay, okay, Richard,
we need to concentrate

on finding that
fortune-teller.

Now, look, I've learned that
many "carnival people"

spend most of their off season
in a town not far from here.

Now, if you're not going
to listen to me and rest,

we should check that out.

I just blew most
of my bank roll

bailing out that sausage oven,

and I still haven't paid
the Lebanese mob

their weekly sanitation fee.

If she bolts, I'm dead.

Have you forgotten
what happened

the last time we saw Elaine?

You know what she's like.

She only cares about one thing.

That's right, Elaine!

Uh, let's talk compensation.

And money!

Didn't I just bail you out?

Mama needs some pocket change,

10 large up front.

Two now, the rest
when Dot Foxley's

a bad stain on the bed sheets.

Time for Mama to earn her
money the old-fashioned way,

by actually earning it.

Trust me, kid.

I know how to push your
old man's buttons.

Your paying your mother
to have sex with your father?

Oh, Richard.

Relax, Larry.

How do you think they
met in the first place?

Hi, we are a little
short-staffed today.

Someone will be right with you.

Okay.

I like it.

I like it as well...

Well played,
Richard Fitzpatrick.

Darling, there's something
I have to tell you.

Cut the crap, legs.

You're not the first broad

to try and play me
by setting up house.

And since the last one left me

with two ungrateful
abominations,

I'm not interested.

You don't want to call
me your girlfriend?

Fine, I'm not your girlfriend.

Call me your pecker holster.

Call me your whore.

Call me Elaine.
I don't care.

Just promise me
one thing. Call me.

We could have a life
together, Ken Fitzpatrick.

You, out.

We'll continue our
conversation later.

Elaine.

That's it?

No, "Get out out my sight,
you desiccated penis glove"?

You got your divorce papers.

You stole 25% of my dealership.

So unless you're here
to suck my blood--

I was thinking we
could get liquored up

and then go at each
other like rabid dogs.

Then go at each other
like rabid dogs.

Scotch?

What is that? Some kind
of a fucking joke?

Oh, my God.

Have you still got your
panties in a twist

over that stupid
bottle of Scotch?

It wasn't a stupid bottle.

It was a goddamn
collector's item!

Oh, get over it, Fitzpatrick.

Life is too short.

- Foxley!
- Yes, sir?

Do your job.
Take out the trash.

That's a good way
to lose an arm, sweetheart.

You mentioned
the fucking Scotch?

You think he'd be
over it by now.

Oh, fuck.
Shows what you know.

That Scotch would be
worth a fortune by now.

Enough to get those
Leb mobsters off my ass.

I could hole up
somewhere nice and quiet,

and just wait for
the fucking Beaver Moon.

The Beaver--
What the fuck?

Don't worry about it.
Just do your fucking job.

Don't fill your diapers.
I'll get it done.

Not if you're back
in jail you won't.

You wouldn't dare.

You're the one who taught me to
never get stuck with a lemon.

You ungrateful bastard.

And you wonder why I left?

Oh, I know why you left.

Mommy, loves you, honey.

She just loves vodka
a little more.

For five years I thought
vodka was my brother

you kept in the cupboard.

You know what?

When you're done
strolling down memory lane,

wake me up.
Memory lane.

Memory lane.

If we can remind the old man

of what a misery
it is being married,

Dot won't stand a chance.

Family trip like the old days?

Yeah.

Well, good luck getting that
lard ass out of his recliner.

That's easy.

Daddy, tax man!

See, I'm good for things.

I'm helpful.

I'm a valuable part
of this business.

Over here.
Come on. Come on!

Elaine? What the fuck
is this shit?

Mom? So, what,
there's no tax man?

This is why you made
me lie to Daddy?

What the fuck?

Nobody tells me anything!

Hello, uh...

Meghan.

I always hated that name.
Seriously, Daddy.

I had no idea.

You fuckers really think
you can kidnap me?

Who the fuck would pay
to get you back?

I demand answers.
Why are you even here?

Well, your brother needed help.

Oh, so you just
come running? Hah!

What about me?
What about my needs?

Ten grand, she's all yours.

Would somebody just
fucking shoot me?

You're not getting off
that easy, old man.

Just drive.

We're going somewhere?

You never told me
we're going somewhere.

You're trying to leave
me behind again.

- That's just great.
- Mom? Daddy?

I swear to fucking God!

Her name is Laverne,

and she lives
in a gypsy caravan?

Never heard of her.

Okay, okay, well,
if you do come across her,

please, give me a call, okay?

Because a man's life and that
of his conscience depends on it.

Freak.

I would pay to see not
to watch her shave.

We should have found
Laverne by now.

God knows what Richard
and his mother are up to.

This is not good, Josh.

This is really bad.

I have memories of Ulie.

He was a good friend.

At least I thought he was.

Turns out Ulie was
a double agent,

and I was ordered
to terminate him.

As I was tailing him,
I got surrounded, ambushed.

So I barricaded myself
in this farmhouse.

And he was there.

I couldn't do it, man.

I c-couldn't kill him.

Because he was your friend.

Because he was a zombie, man.

Because he was a zombie.

The old Fitzpatrick shithole.

The happiest day
of my life was here,

the day I left you
two crap factories.

I remember this tree.

I used to try
and climb it everyday,

and everyday the old
man used to tell me

I'd never make it.

Oh, my gosh,
are you going to cry?

Hey, everyone,
Dick's going to cry!

It wasn't just
a bottle of Scotch!

- Oh, Jesus, here we go.
- It was your ego.

Remember the last time they
fought about the Scotch?

Yeah, it was the day
that Elaine left, perfect.

How is that perfect?

That Scotch was from the--

Kennedy Inauguration Ball.

It had the executive
seal on it.

That Scotch was
part of history.

You know how much
that bottle cost me?

Nothing.
You stole it.

And you know how I know?

Because you never
shut up about it.

That bottle of Scotch
ruined my childhood.

With no mother to teach
me about boys or fashion

or what to do when my
stocking went too far--

You were better
off without her.

You maybe. Not me.

You know how
I learned about sex?

Sneaking into your room
and looking at your porn.

Yeah, I know.

I read about it in your diary.

You're not supposed
to look in my diary!

And you were supposed to
stay out of my fucking room!

You loved that Scotch
more than you loved me.

Why wouldn't I?

Scotch keeps me warm.

Scotch makes me feel
good about myself.

Scotch gives me pleasure.

And that bottle,

that bottle would
be like sucking

on the tit of a goddess.

Ooh!

Just like always,

blame all your
problems on Elaine.

You did it on purpose.

You knew Dad would blame Mom.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Daddy!

Mom didn't take
that bottle of Scotch.

It was Dick.

Teach you to read
my fucking diary.

I heard you were
looking for me.

Where did you come from?

My van.

Did the spirits send you?

If by "spirits," you mean
Marty at the gas station,

then, yes, the spirits sent me.

What do you want?

Oh, well, it's--
It's about Richard.

See, it's almost
the Beaver Moon,

but he still refuses to search

for his shadowy figure,
let alone make amends.

Oh, right, Fitz.

Mm.

Contacting the spirit world

requires a distinct sensual
interaction on our part.

And you're cute

but you're not "freebie" cute.

You feel me?

You don't feel me.

I need the big O
in order to talk to the dead.

Oprah?

The other big O.

Oh, Oklahoma.

200 bucks, save your friend.

Yeah, that's a very
generous offer, Laverne,

but I don't have two--

Josh?
Oh, looks like it's all on you.

Oh, no, but you know what?

I'm actually a very
old-fashioned kind of guy.

And we haven't even gone
on a date or held hands

or laughed about something
that we both liked

but that nobody else
in the world did.

I have a mattress in the back.

Yeah, yeah, look, it's not
that I'm not attracted.

It's just this whole--

How do I put it?

Yeah, unwashed public-toilet
seat quality to is.

It's sanitized.

Oh, I can do this for Richard.

No, no!

I am so sorry, Laverne.

Please, don't take
it personally.

You're a very beautiful woman.

Who we just gave
$200 to. Origami.

Then there's nothing
I can do for you.

Please, there must be
some other way.

What the fuck did you
do with my Scotch?

How the fuck should I know?

I was seven years old.

Oh, why am I not surprised?

Every broken vase,
every torched couch, you.

Right, no one else is to blame.

You know parenting requires
more than scowling and smoking?

I didn't have
a childhood because of you.

I ought to sue your ass.

- Fuck suing!
- I'm going to kill him.

You know how much that
bottle w w worth?

Yes!

You know what? Fuck you,
fuck you and fuck you.

This is all your fault.

The little bastard framed me.

He got the crazy from you!

What'd he get from you?

The premature ejaculation?

Oh, that's right.

X marks the spot.

Anything?

This would go a lot faster

if you stop talking.

Sorry.

How about now?

Shut up.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Ah.

Okay.

Ugh, that was the most
unsatisfying 200 I've ever made.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
what did the spirits say?

Not much.

They made fun of you for not
being able to seal the deal.

And then they told me

the shadowy figure
is closer than you think,

and to keep watching
for the signs.

No, but we've
already seen them.

The train-track hickey,
the glass, the fire.

Not a hickey, train tracks.

Spirits are very literal.

Yeah, Larry.

Could you please
ask the spirits

to be a little more specific?

Sure, there's a bank machine
the next town over.

Oh.

"Closer than you think"?

Oh, no, Elaine.

So what did
the spirits say about me?

Josh, we have
to go get Richard.

Tell me later.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Keep your mouth shut,
and I'll split it with you.

I hate Scotch.

But you love money.

What do you say? 80/20?

Daddy, Richard
found your bottle!

No, no, shh!

Shut--

Give me that bottle,
you ungrateful little shit!

You want it?
Fire Dot.

What?
You heard me.

I want her out
of our lives, or I'll--

No, no, no! Fine.

She's toast.

Now give me.

Thanks for your help, Mom.

Stupid shit-fuck.

First cancer,
now my fucking Scotch.

Cancer?

Oh, so that's why
you've been going gaga

after some skirt and whining
about your mortality.

Cancer? Boo-hoo.

Breasts, skin, ass.

A slice, a little chemo,
good as new.

Down a nut.

You are Ken
fucking Fitzpatrick.

You're twice the man
with one nut

than junior could
ever be with four.

You always had a way
to cheer me up.

Shut up and fuck me.

Oh!

♪ Something ♪ Oh, Ken.

♪ Happens to me ♪

Mm.

Are they eating each other?

I think they're kissing.

♪ A strange kind
of chemical change ♪

♪ Goes rushing through me ♪

♪ I know that mysterious glow ♪

♪ Means you'll appeal ♪

♪ And, darling ♪

♪ Something happens to me ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ When I feel ♪

I call dibs on his watch.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann