Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 9 - Mad Dogs and Englishmen - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

You know, the weird thing is,

my husband's dead,
and I'm numb.

How the fuck you doing, Moody?

My dick don't work no more.
A man can only shoot

so many loads in a lifetime.

I mean, literally,
you can run out.

We need one pound
of your best Peruvian blend.

- We will be on our way.
- I like that suit.

- Take it off.
- What about your old lady?

- What about her?
- What about her needs?



Wives are different.

They don't rub themselves raw
like we do.

I know my husband fucks around
on the road,

but we have an agreement.

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

- Regarding?
- An extramarital affair.

- Oh, my.
- I'm still in love

- with her, Stu.
- Me too.

But I will pay you
to not pursue Marcy any longer.

This is a fucking disaster.

What the fuck
are you guys talking about?

It's a rock opera
with the tone of my book.

It's bollocks.

It doesn't have any heart,



and you have a huge heart.

Oh, I just had me

an assgasm.
Oh.

Hank. ?(Trademark)? Hank

Good morning, sunshine.

Your work is delightful.

Great job on the rewrite, Hank.

It really puts a smile
on the face.

I love a good musical.

Warms the fucking cockles.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

The missus caught me

eating one
of her chocolate bars

out of the cleaning lady's
vagina.

[Snorts and laughs]

That's disgusting.

No, it was delicious.

It was Marilyn Manson's idea.

Once upon a time,
according to rock legend,

mind you,
Mick Jagger was caught

eating a chocolate bar

out of Marianne Faithfull's
warm, gooey center.

Bowie was there too.

Of course now they all swear
it never happened.

But I felt like I should try it
at least once.

I'm actually surprised
it's taken me this long.

By the by, Atticus,

just any idea
how long you might be staying?

I hadn't really thought
about it.

It could be quite a while,
though.

She was fucking furious.

Almost cut my dick off.

Is this gonna be a problem,
Runkle?

No.

I just--
you know, I thought

you might be more comfortable
at a hotel.

Why would I be more comfortable

paying for posh lodgings

when I can stay
with my manager?

For free.

Makes sense to me.

Tell me, will...[whispers] Krull

be staying too?

Of course.

He's my road manager.

Anytime I leave my house,

I'm technically on the road.

Krull gets me from point "A"
to point "B"

and knows where to find all
my favorite creature comforts

along the way.

Where's the shitter
in this place?

Ooh.

Yeah, go easy, big fella.

- Low-flow toilets.
- Hey.

- We should have a party.
- Why?

I'm newly single.

You've just had
a major creative breakthrough.

We should fucking celebrate.

One should mark
such fucking milestones.

You know, that's not really
a bad idea, Hank.

The last big party I had here

was filled
with smelly leather boys.

Couldn't really wash the stink
off the joint.

Okay, well, where's the master?

I'm gonna rest up
for tonight's shindig.

Follow the Krull.

Oh, and, Runkle,
can you get a piano delivered?

And make sure there's heaps
of alcohol and cocaine

and Mars bars and Astroglide.

Brilliant work, Hank.

I'm gonna go put this
under my pillow

and do some dream-writing.

But first I must masturbate
myself to sleep.

[Upbeat music]

?(Trademark)? Californication 6x08 ?(Trademark)?
Mad Dogs and Englishmen
Original Air Date on March 17, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

[shouts like a Ninja]

Moody.

Eddie Nero.

As I live and breathe.

Can I have a go?

I'd very much like
to tackle Hank.

No, no.
That's my thing.

- I'm gonna do it.
- Do what?

Continue my great tradition

of bringing your words to life.

This time on the boards
in front of the footlights.

- Can you even sing?
- Can I sing?

I don't know.
Can you?

?(Trademark)? We know we belong
to the land ?(Trademark)?

?(Trademark)? and the land we belong to
is grand ?(Trademark)?

?(Trademark)? and when we say
Both: ?(Trademark)? yow

- ?(Trademark)? yip-ay-yo-ay-yay
Both: ?(Trademark)? yow

?(Trademark)? we're only saying,
you're doing fine, Oklahoma ?(Trademark)?

?(Trademark)? Oklahoma, O.K.

?(Trademark)? L-a-h-o-m-a
[Singing along]

?(Trademark)? Oklahoma

[laughter]

Is there anybody alive
out there?

I got serious douche chills

running up and down my spine.

I'm also a little hard,
I have to admit.

I'll bet you are.
Can I see it?

- [Chuckles]
- No, can I see it?

No!

Hey, pussy fart, how you doing?

Eh, all right, Eddie.

- How about yourself?
- I heard you came out recently.

For a short time, yes.

He almost took
a man in his mouth.

I took a man in my mouth once.

Yes, we know, Eddie.

I engineered that orgasm.

My hands, mouth, feet.
[Gagging]

I watched his jism
form a slimy St. Louis Arch

in the air
before landing comfortably

on the rug
in the Lincoln bedroom.

You performed fellatio
in the White House?

Shh, it's not appropriate,
but yes.

I had an experience

with a gent once.

He was quite pretty.

Showed up in the backstage area.

Fooled the road crew.
Sure as hell fooled me.

He gave a lovely blow job.

I reached into his knickers,

felt what I initially thought
to be

a slightly oversized
female clitoris,

but, no, it was a gentleman's
short, but quite broad penis.

I thought to myself,

"What would Bowie do?"

And then I gave up and got
security to beat him senseless.

And then I felt sorry for him

and let him blow me again.

Holes is holes
when all's said and done.

That's exactly
what I always say.

I have big news.

Tonight I'm gonna make love
to a woman.

Oh, well, maybe we should
alert the media.

Entertainment Tonight
or maybe National Geographic.

Well, I have been celibate
for quite some time now.

I thought that I'd lost
all my loads.

But they came back,
and if I'm going to star

in a traditional love story,
I need to remember

what it's like to come again
with a woman.

And, by the way,
what's the deal

with this party?

'Cause seems
like it's a little bit

of a sausage fest.

Yeah, Runkle.
Where are the girls?

I'm sorry.
What do you mean?

I said we should have a party.

Did you expect me to send out
the fucking invites,

you senseless wanker?

And what about the drugs?

- Where are the drugs?
- Okay.

Atticus, well, we had good luck
with the chocolate bars

and the Astroglide,
but there was

a little bit of a problem
with the drugs.

[Grunts]

Fuckin' fuck, Runkle.

Jesus.
Aah!

Was that a banana?

I want drugs.

I want some fucking girls

and some fucking drugs.

Drugs.

- Whoo!
- Hey.

[Indistinct chatter]

Hi.

- Hank Moody.
Both: Boom.

Hey.
Hy?1}*my suit?

- It's aspirational.
- Ah.

Gonna fit in that fucker
one day.

Excellent, exce--
good luck with that.

You know, you don't have
to be so fucking snarky.

Slow and steady wins the race,
asshole.

I'll fit in that suit before
you grow your fucking hair back.

Both: Boom!

- Frank.
- Widow.

[Giggles] Come here.

And if it isn't the bloody
warlock who turned me bum

into the happiest place
on earth.

I've missed you,

you dirty, bald bastard, you.

Nice to see you, Trudy.

- How you been?
- I've been well.

- I've been well, you know.
- Good.

Thinking about finding me
a new husband.

Oh, really?

Tony left me
in financial shambles.

You know.
I mean, we spent it

as fast as he made it.

I don't know
if he's marriage material,

but Eddie Nero right over here

is looking to bust
a big, fat load

after being celibate
for quite some time.

- Really?
- Maybe you two could help

- each other out.
- Oh, no.

He's a little too pretty
for me.

- And he poops on people.
- [Gasps]

Blue eyes poops on people.
You're into the scat-play, huh?

[Scats] Poop!

It was a phase
but a messy phase.

[Scats]
I've been there once or twice.

I have.
Real messy.

Speaking of dirty,

what do you say, Popeye?

You ready to bust one
out of the chamber,

so we can sit back, relax,

- and enjoy the party?
- [lmitates Popeye]

Don't mind if I do.

Yay.
Attaboy.

[Scatting]

Poop, poop.

[Rock music]

?(Trademark)?

Stop.

Don't stop.

Stop.

I'm almost done.

Fuck.

This is good, Hank.

Almost makes me want
to jump your bones.

Almost?
What else--

I got a typewriter right here.

[Sighs] Damn.

Thank you.

Well, your thoughts,

and the kind, thoughtful,

long-legged manner

in which you chose
to express them,

had much to do
with the end result.

Well, it leaves you
with the same feeling

that a real great song does.

Sadly, I think
my work here is done.

What?
No more sexy time?

Say it ain't so.

Well, too much
leads to too much.

Sooner or later,
someone gets hurt.

Yeah, well, you're right.

You should probably do your best

not to fall in love with me.

I wasn't worried about me.

No, no, be careful.

I have a tendency
to take root in the hearts

and minds of those who initially
find me off-putting.

It's a small, but loyal group.

Well, everything put together

falls apart, Hank.

- Paul Simon.
- Very good.

No, that was easy for me.
Know why?

- Why?
- 'Cause I'm old as dirt.

Oh.

Oh, come here.

- You're not so old.
- Oh, sweet talker.

- Oh, my back.
- [Laughs]

My back.
Oh, jeez.

[Laughs]

[Rock music]

I've never been sodomized
in a child's nursery before.

- What fun.
- That's odd.

Oh, hey, you two.

Hey.
Oh, this is Trudy.

This is Marcy and Karen.

This is Trudy,
and Trudy was recently widowed.

It's true.
I was.

- Yeah, my hubby O.D.'d.
- Oh, sorry.

But Jean-Luc Picard here
has been keeping me company.

- Jean-Luc Picard.
- Right?

He's not too big
in the lap, you see,

but he's enthusiastic,
if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I know
what you're saying.

Hey. I thought you said
they weren't coming.

They said they weren't coming.

Here they are.

- Good.
- Yeah.

We got bored, we smoked weed,

and we wanted to meet
Atticus Fetch, yeah!

You should.
You should.

You should have sex with him.
Both of you.

He's single now,

and he's quite good
in the sack, you know.

A little lazy when it comes

to the oral return favors
and such.

- Unlike the ass whisperer here.
- That's me!

He gives as good
as he gets, he does.

Oh, that's not exactly
my experience.

Hey.

Have you ever done Atticus
before?

Uh, no, I have not had
the pleasure.

We should do him together.

We could.
Or we could go get a drink

right--right now.

Whatever you think, love.

Marcy, let me introduce you
to Atticus.

No.
Allow me.

Okay. Whichever one.
Lead the way.

I see you have a new friend.

Yes, and she's--and that's
what she is, a friend.

She's a lovely young woman

who has helped guide me
creatively.

Right.
I'm sure.

Sort of a Florence Nightingale
in your time of need...

- Oh.
- Kind of thing.

Well, you know what,
I'm happy to see

that I can still get
a jealous rise out of you.

But you just say the word,

and I will stop the world
and melt with you.

Yeah, I said that.

- [Scats]
- Oh.

- You remember Eddie. Karen.
- Hi, hey.

Karen, you remember Yusuf Nero?

Of course.
The last time we were together,

you were seeing that handsome
African-American fellow.

No, that was just a phase,
like you pooping on people.

I had a feeling
that was a passing thing.

A milk chocolate
mandingo fantasy.

Perfectly normal.
You're entitled.

Particularly after the hell that
this lunatic's put you through.

Oh, okay, well,
speaking of lunatics,

you know, Karen was recently
married to a pansexual loon

named Richard Bates,
the writer.

- You know him?
- Are you kidding me?

He's the man I took
in my mouth.

- Of course he is.
- Richard Bates.

He wrote the definitive draft
of John,

the Michael Mann movie
that won me the Academy Award

for Best Actor,
but it's not about the kudos.

- It's about the work.
- Of course not.

- Karen.
- Mm-hmm.

It has been many years
since we've seen each other,

and yet you have not aged
a day.

Your stems, your hindquarters

remain glorious.

Your skin is flawless.

You are a beautiful woman.

Well, thank you, Eddie.

- You will do perfectly.
- Whoa, whoa.

- Watch it, Nero.
- Eddie needs my help.

Your effluvium
is delightful, a rare vintage.

Come, allow me to seduce you.

Now fuck off.
Go away.

Well, we tried.

[Sighs]
Krull. Sorry.

The one thing I know
about Atticus

is he loves his fans,
and we've got

a great, big one right here
who would very much like to say,

"Hello."

And what's this big fan

gonna do with me?

Hey, you.

I'm somebody's mother.

Yeah, but you're not mine,
love.

How about a bit of suction?

[Gasps]

Allow me to handle this.

Hmm.

Allow me to handle this.

[Rock music]

?(Trademark)?

Well, it looks
like we found the party.

- Hello, girls.
- Who is this?

Oh, please, Atticus,
let me introduce you

- to my ex-wife.
- And mine.

And the mother of my child.

You were both married
to this woman?

Yes.
Yes, we were.

[Laughs]
What the fuck's wrong with you?

How much time do you have?

Marcy.
Huge fan.

Finally.
A fan.

She loves the musicians.

She had quite a serious fling
with Rick Springfield

- once upon a time.
- Really?

You were one of Jesse's girls,
were you?

Yes.
Yes, she was.

She even had the ringtone

to prove it.

Why is it you never mentioned

a fling
with a major fucking pop star?

I don't know, Stu.

Maybe it's because you're
so fucking jealous.

Maybe it's because you need
to be the only cock in town.

Maybe it's because I fucking
love you so much, Marcy.

- That is why.
- Okay, well, it looks

like this meet and greet
is over.

- Let's go, Marcy.
- Yes. Leave her

- with me.
- Oh, that's probably

not a good idea.

Yeah, we're happy to stay.

You're not actually my type.

I usually go
for tall, leggy blondes.

But you're quite sexual,
aren't you?

She's incredibly sexual.

Built for speed, born to fuck.

Sinking into this woman
is like swimming in a vat

of exquisite oil.

Jesus Christ, Stu.
A vat?

You make me sound like
I'm all stretched out and shit.

- Shut up!
- We had a nice sex life

ourselves, you know.
It wasn't crazy or anything.

- Ugh! Oy.
- A finger up the ass

every now and again.
A botched threesome or two,

but it was quite familiar,
comforting.

You have quite a fan club,
don't you?

Yeah, looks like
I'm queen of the shit pile.

Go.
Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

Leave your ex-wife with me.

Oh.

We're gonna have a chat.

Okay.

Hey.

[Rock music]

So you and Hank, huh?

Once upon a time.

And you and Hank.

Sorta kinda.
Something.

- He's really talented.
- Yeah.

He's talented, but...

he has a really hard time
sustaining it.

Well, I don't know.
I think maybe he just needs

to find the right motivation.

Oh, God, I so know
where you're at right now.

You just see all this potential,
right?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Yeah.
Potential's exciting.

Yeah, it is.

But it's really hard to have

a long-term relationship

with someone else's potential.

Especially if that is
what you're looking for.

I'd be careful if I was you.

And I kind of was you.

You're gonna get hurt.

[Rock music]

?(Trademark)?

Methinks you like this one,
Faith.

What do you think?

She likes him.
I can tell.

Who, Hank?

Yeah.
I like him.

I like him as much as any guy

that I choose
to spend my time with.

I've seen you on the arm
of lots of guys.

You seem to have
a real connection with this one.

He's a good guy.
He's sweet to you.

Maybe it could be a real thing.

You do not have
to live happily ever after

with someone to make it real.

Oh, be good to yourself, Faith.

You deserve it.

Shut up and deal.

[Snorts]

If I had to pick,

I would say Fetch Live,
All Over Your Face

because that one
has all your hits.

That's lovely, dear.

So would you like to blow me,

or would you prefer
to have actual intercourse?

God. Jeez.
I don't know.

I hadn't really thought
about it, so...

[Laughs]

That's cute.

Of course you thought about it.

Mm.
Do you want to go down on me?

Mm.
I'd prefer not to.

It's a little bit intimate

and also, to be honest,
a little bit boring for me.

Of course, because I'm
just another bang to you.

- Yeah.
- Not at all.

The knowledge
that I'm giving you this gift,

this opportunity to transcend
your everyday suburban existence

and have sex
with a fucking rock star,

thereby giving you a story
to dine out on

for years to come,

that's the fun bit for me.

I don't know, man.
This is just so fucked up.

I mean, just--
just take me, okay?

I mean, that's what Rick
Springfield would have done.

He just tore my clothes off
and stuck it in,

so just fucking do
what you want,

but just fucking do it already,
all right?

Just fucking go.
Go.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, did you read
that Times article

about the guy
who did the thing,

and then this other thing
happened?

I don't know about you,

but I found it fascinating.

Hank, I am having
an intimate moment with Karen,

and I will not let you spoil it

with your incessant
verbal diarrhea.

What is it, Hank?

Are you not getting
enough attention?

Where is he?

Where's Atticus?

I haven't the foggiest,
my love.

Okay, well, I'm prepared
to forgive him.

- Why?
- Well, here I was,

all pissed off,
calling every divorce lawyer

I know,
and look what come in the mail.

Three, count 'em, three
seven-figure royalty checks.

Oh, cool.

I'm so lucky.
My life's fucking amazing.

I mean, if he wants
to eat a Mars bar

out of
some dirty skank's poontang,

who am I to judge, hmm?

Well, that is
a beautiful rationalization,

but I think in this case
you have a right

to be slightly miffed.

Oh, darling, it's just sex.

Why does everyone make
such a big deal about it?

Fuck if I know, dude.

- Move.
- Sorry, missus,

I can't do that.

[Imitating] Sorry, missus,
I can't do that.

[Whimpers]

[Grunts]

Hello, darling.

Oh.

Is all forgiven?

You fucking fuckface.

Fuck!
Are those my royalty checks?

Get out of my way.

I'm sorry.
Ugh.

[Indistinct chatter]

Come on.

Enough of this foolish
cat-and-mouse game.

You are gonna fuck
my brains out,

and you're gonna fuck 'em out
now.

No means no, you know.

You say no, but your cock here

- begs to differ.
- No, don't listen to him.

He does not have
decision-making authority.

Do you know what it takes

- to be a rock star's wife, Hank?
- No.

I have certain skills.

I know how to give the kind
of sharp and focused head

that cuts through the bullshit.

- Sharp?
- Plenty of women out there

all are licking lollipops.

They're lazy.
They're entitled.

They think just by putting it
in their mouth,

that's all they need to do,
but you and I know

- that's just the beginning.
- Right.

I know how to get shit done.

Now your cock's on the verge
of making a decision, Hank.

What's it gonna be?

[Knock at door]

- Everything okay in here?
- Things are not as they seem.

Can you give us
a fucking minute here?

- You don't want to do this.
- I do.

No, no, no.
You love your husband.

- I do.
- Yeah.

These are not the droids
you're looking for.

[Mutters]

Fuck.

Ah, fuck.

Ugh, Jesus.

Whoo!

Thank you.
That was perfect timing.

I had a feeling you might need
a little rescuing.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

- What?
- Hmm.

[Door opens]

Fuck.

- I get it.
- Sorry.

You should go.
Go, go, go.

Karen.
Karen, this is bullshit.

He poops on people.

Maybe not anymore,
but he has in the past,

and that is--that's a serious
fucking character flaw.

[Lock clicks]

They've been in there
a really long time.

Maybe they're just talking.

You know,
like we're just talking.

Sure.

- Right. Just talking.
- Yeah.

My advice,
just fucking move on, dude.

I'm not sure that's possible.

You can't begrudge your lady
for going off with Eddie Nero.

Dude's fucking handsome.

Yeah, but Karen's
not like that.

What kind of fucked up
Madonna whore shit is that?

What, just 'cause you love her,

just 'cause she crapped out
your kid,

she's not entitled
to bang a movie star?

Well, sure she can,
but that doesn't mean

I can't be majorly pissed off
about it.

Okay.

Then play it cool, man.

That's the move.

Never let the bitches
see you sweat.

Moody.

[Sighs]

That woman is amazing.

Ow!
Not the face.

Never the face.

You hit me in my face.

That's a national treasure.

That's an act of treason.

Oh!
Motherfucker!

- Come on.
- I think I pulled a hammie.

Cocksucker.
Son of a shitty, fucking--

Now the drunken master.

Fuck, get away
from my fucking table!

God damn it.
Fuck.

[All shout]

Oh, shit.

Now it begins.

[Women scream]

Okay, then.

[Laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen,

yes, I have an announcement
to make.

I have fucked up this storied
life something proper.

All my life,

I have loved exactly one woman

with all my heart.

Have I fucked countless others?

Yes.

Does that make me a bad man?

I-I don't think so.

But, in the court
of public opinion,

I am a scoundrel,

a rogue, a rake.

Perhaps even a rapscallion.
[Everyone gasps]

[Laughs]

But the fact is

I can't live without you,
Natalie.

Olly, no,
put the fucking gun down.

- Olly. Put it down.
- Olly? Really? Olly?

Did you really think
he was born Atticus Fetch?

It's true, Hank.

I had to create Atticus Fetch.

And now I have to kill him
before he kills me.

That doesn't make any sense.

No, it makes a lot
of sense actually.

Yeah, he created a monster,

and now he wants
to kill the monster

before the monster kills him.

I mean, I've felt that way
myself.

I'm sure a lot of people have.

You're not alone, Atticus.

Um, I'm sure
we can work it all out.

Wait, does that mean
you'll take me back?

Fuck no.

You're a lying, cheating,

fucking scumbag.
Wah!

- Okay, I'll take you back.
- Really?

- You will?
- We'll figure it out, doll.

I'm just gonna have to keep you
on a very short leash.

That sounds good.
I like the sound of that.

That's what this boy needs,
some discipline,

- a little mother's discipline.
- Mommy's discipline.

Okay, now,
just give me the gun.

Give mama the gun.
Come on.

Come on.
There we go.

[Shouts] Ow!

Why did you hit me?

It's not even fucking loaded,
you pussy.

[Shouts]

[Kicking continues]

[Groaning]

Can you slow down?

I don't know
why you're so fucking angry.

I'm not the one who disappeared
into the bedroom

with that fucking
weirdo degenerate.

You've got a fucking nerve
to take issue

with anything I do ever.

Yes, no, I--
you're right,

but what am I supposed to do,

just sit there
and watch it happen?

Karen, why the fuck did you
come here tonight anyway?

You know why?

Because there's always this
voice in the back of my head

that says, "Maybe this time
it will be different.

"Maybe the stars will align,

"and there will be
this magic moment between us

where everything
will be okay again."

[Sobs]

But there's always something
or someone in the way.

Karen, you want me
not to see anybody else,

just say the word.

But if you keep me
at arm's length,

what am I supposed to do,
just sit around

with a cock cage on
and hope that you're gonna have

some kind of epiphany about us?

Do you honestly think
that I care

about you fucking someone else?

If we're not together,
I don't expect you

to have taken
some vow of celibacy.

It's just, when I see
someone look at you

the way that I used
to look at you,

I fucking hate that.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

?(Trademark)? And nothing else matters ?(Trademark)?

And the worst part of it

is that I turned
into you tonight.

I-I don't want
to be that person.

I don't want
to start playing games

and, like, trying
to get back at you

and trying to hurt you.

I don't want that either.

?(Trademark)? For a different view

?(Trademark)? and nothing else matters

== sync, corrected by elderman ==