Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 9 - Mr. Bad Example - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

My dirty little whore of a nose
is sorry that she let you down.

I wanna fix this, Charlie.

Come on, say it, baby, say it.

I'm getting fucked
by Rick Springfield.

Do you want to
go up to my room

and listen to some records?

- Only if they're mine.
- Church.

- You're my student.
- Not any more, I'm not.

I offered myself to you,
and you weren't interested.

If only I could have just had
one little nibble.



I'm in love with you, Hank Moody.

Were you sleeping with your TA
the whole time you were sleeping with me?

What?

Your dad's fucking my mom!

So what, you're saying
we just pack up and leave LA?

The three of us move back
to New York, together?

Yeah. End of the semester.
Whatever.

Oh, hey!

Go ahead.
You've earned the right.

Can't deny this privilege.

Fire my ass.

- I'm not planning to fire you.
- Come again?

Unfortunately, not a single one of the ladies
that you so egregiously fouled

has agreed to stand up and press
formal charges against you,



and without that
the matter ends here.

You win, Hank Moody.
I admit defeat.

Not even my wife will say
a bad word about you.

Or should I say ex-wife?

Just this morning, she requested
I vacate the premises.

- Oh, no, she didn't!
- Oh, yes, she did.

No, you can't kick
the dean out of the deanery.

That shit is wrong.
You've gotta get that woman back.

I can help you. What do you
want me to do? Just ask me.

Ask me. What can I do?

- OK, I've got a question for you.
- No, not now. Hold on, I got a call.

M Flower. I don't recognise
that number. I don't need to take it.

Mayflower, moron.
Mayflower School for Girls.

That call could be important!

- Hank Moody.
- Stacy Koons.

Yes, I'll hold for Principal Green

on a disciplinary matter.

I will also hold
for Principal Green.

Oh, this is Principal Green.
I'm handling it here. I got it.

I'm listening. A fight?

A disagreement, you mean,
an argument.

- Oh, that kind of fight.
- What kind of fight?

A physical confrontation.

Ah, yeah. That's my girl.

I assure you that expulsion
is not a step we take lightly.

- Expulsion?
- Slow down there, Dean Koons.

It's not so much fun here
on the other side of the desk, is it?

Yes, Stacy, let's just wait and see
what Principal Green has to say.

- She's such a kiss-ass.
- After all, she didn't say that both girls...

No, they're both being expelled.

We have a zero-tolerance policy

on violence here
at the Mayflower School.

We've just never had
to apply it before,

since most of our young ladies
have been taught

not to resort to physical violence
as a means of expression.

So, hey, let's look at the bright side here.

We're making history.
Big ups for women's rights.

You know what? This is wrong.

There is just no way
that Becca would hit anyone.

Not without being provoked. We're not
a family that takes shit lying down.

He just admitted it was Becca's fault.

- I did not. I didn't.
- Did too. Did too.

Principal Green, I'm sure that there's
no need to take drastic action

that might impact
the girls' academic future.

Chelsea was clearly upset yesterday
because her father was moving out.

I tried to explain to her
that it wasn't Hank's fault.

What? What's she talking about?

I don't know.
She has that accent...

- I'm so sorry.
- Hank's fault?

You didn't tell her.

Tell me what?

Becca's father and I
had a slight, well, indiscretion

that may have contributed,
indirectly, though, to the girls' little kerfuffle.

She's kidding, right?
You have got to be kidding me.

He fucks my wife, I somehow ended up
sleeping at the faculty club.

- I feel sick.
- You're making this worse.

- I don't think so.
- Karen...

You. You say one word to me,

and I will show you where Becca
learned to throw down.

Hey, there, Minnie Mouse.

Shouldn't you be
dressed and ready for action?

I mean waxin'. Action waxin'.

You get it? It rhymes.
Action waxin'.

Bite me.

Still no call from Rick Springfield!

You don't have to sound
so chipper about it.

The man's been in Tahoe
for the past three days.

- I know, I know.
- That was a huge show for him.

He's probably just
decompressing right now.

Sure, sure.
Or maybe...

he's trying to tell you something.

You know, this could be
a blessing in disguise, really.

- He'll call.
- Maybe.

Or... maybe not.

You know, maybe Rick Springfield
not calling you for three days

is his way of saying that
he doesn't see the real you,

that he doesn't value
your essential woman-ness and so forth.

Oh, my God, would you please
mind your own business, Runkle?

Rick Springfield is my business.
He's my client, for Christ's sakes.

I'll tell you something, Marce.
I have seen some things,

up close and personal,
some strangely fucked-up shit, huh?

That guy, he's not
the biggest friend to women.

And you're frigging
Bella Abzug over here.

- Far from it.
- No, I totally get it.

I'm dating my dream crush...

hitting my peak sexually,

this close to selling
this frigid box of a house,

and moving on with my life,

and you just don't want me
to be happy, Charlie.

Of course I want you
to be happy, Marcy.

God, I mean, look,
we're talking here, OK?

I miss this. I miss us.

Do you know how long it's been

since I heard you say
those three little words?

- Eat my clam?
- Eat my clam.

No, no, not eat my clam.

I love you. I don't mean to get
a bee in my bonnet, babe.

I don't wanna see you waste your life

waiting for a phone call
that might never come.

Oh, it's coming, fool.

And by the way,
my gay uncle called.

He wants his expressions back.

Guess it's home-schooling after all.

Well, you better hope
that he remembers his algebra,

because you definitely won't be going
to a New York private school after this.

- Well, obviously, she was provoked.
- Yes.

She called you a home-wrecker,
which you are.

Yet somehow that didn't stop me
from shoving her into the vending machine.

Then the hitting began.
Satisfied?

Hank, I asked you to do one thing.

Look after Becca.
How hard is that?

Hard. Real hard.
I understand that now.

Well, it couldn't have been
that hard, could it?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know what that means.

You're mad about Felicia?

No. I would not give you the satisfaction
of being mad about Felicia.

I don't know how satisfying
that would be.

While I'm working my ass off in New York,
you start some kind of relationship

with the most annoying
woman on the planet,

who also happens to be the mother of
Becca's best friend and your boss!

- What is...
- It's not a relationship, Karen, far from it.

You know that. She was just looking
to sleep with someone, anyone,

to get her groove back, get back at the dean.

I didn't want to. I thought it was a bad idea.
It seemed wrong to me.

We don't like to get involved
in other people's marital woes,

cos we've been there, it's sad, messed-up
shit, I wanted to keep us out of it.

You did a really good job
of not getting involved.

Well, I did, at first. I refused.

But then she was gonna call in
her chit with this other dude,

this Mr Zipless fuck,
a real cheeseball...

You know what? Out!

What? What?

I don't want to hear about Felicia
and her midlife crisis, OK?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Do you have any idea

- how fucking infuriating you are?
- Yes, I do.

I'm just trying to fill you in
on what happened.

Leave now, OK?

I need peace, Hank.
You must have something to do,

I mean some papers to grade,
some fucking marijuana to smoke.

Hey, some students to fuck.

What? So you'd be totally fine if I...

Would you...

Pipes of a fucking angel.

You know, I gotta take this down
and play it for the girls at the orphanage.

Right on. Hey, I'm doing
a children's charity concert

at the Grove Thursday night.

Yeah, half the proceeds
go to juvenile diabetes.

What?

I'm speechless.

Girls at the orphanage?
Juvenile diabetes?

Who are you two,
and what have you done

with the nymphomaniacal sociopaths
I've grown to love and loathe?

Sorry to burst your bubble, Runkle.
I'm a complicated beast.

Me too. Plus, you know, charity events
are like ground zero for single pussy.

And he's back.

You should have seen me in Tahoe.
Two nights, six chicks - no rubbers.

Bravo, Rick. Bravo.

Safety first, I always say,
of course.

But, then again,

I'm not the one who's currently
having intimate relations with my wife.

Can it, Runkle. Life's messy.

You better clean up your game, gonzo -
the womanising, the boozing.

If you won't do it for Marcy,
at least do it for your career.

We have landed you
the comeback vehicle of a lifetime.

Please don't fuck it up.

Please don't use the "C" word, all right?
I'm not coming back from anything.

That reminds me, I need some blow.

Sorry?

Dude, you heard me.

Some blow, some yay, some white girl,
some powder, some cake.

I start filming tomorrow. It's my last chance
to get fucked out of my mind.

All due respect, '80s rock star,

I think you'd have a better line
on cocaine than I would.

- So?
- So why are you asking me

to procure you drugs
like I'm your assistant?

Gee, let me see.
Because I fucking can.

I don't think I like your tone, bud,
not one little bit.

9pm, my trailer on set. OK?

Christ, Runkle.

Sack up!

If a client asks you to dress up like
a French maid and rim his shithole,

you comply, with bells on, huh?

I would hook him up myself,
but my guy's in Thailand.

Just some sex tourism,
something like that, anyway.

So this one's on you.
Almost forgot.

Here.

Annual bonus.

Don't spend it all
in one place, ladyboy.

This does seem mighty small.

I think I got a bigger bonus cheque
when I worked at Blockbuster in '91.

Wait. Be kind, rewind.
Hank Moody worked at Blockbuster?

Yeah, I had the khakis,
the tucked-in polo.

The whole thing.
I used to splice porn into the Disney films.

Of course you did.

But back to you.

How does this all make you feel...

emotionally?

Well...

between my sad little bonus cheque

and my new position as Rick Springfield's
drug dealer-slash-pimp,

I would have to say
I feel like shit emotionally.

Enough! I've grown tired
of your jibber-jabber, Runkle.

My turn. Let's switch it up.

Becca got expelled.

She went all Leon Spinks
on her BFF.

Really? Is it creepy
that I find that mildly arousing?

- Yes.
- Continue.

Karen is livid,
as well she should be.

I honestly don't know
how it all got so out of hand.

Chelsea and Becca were thick as thieves,
once upon a time, like you and me.

The dean's been kicked out of the deanery.
Felicia did that, and that ain't right.

And I should be happy,
I know I should,

because we're all packing up
and moving to New York soon.

Are you weeping?

I need cocaine!

- And this concerns me how?
- I don't know!

I might get fired!
Collini doesn't give a shit about me.

Marcy, she's a fucking stranger.

No one takes care of me!

And now you, you're leaving me too.
You're moving back to New York.

Come here.

Big boy.

Sorry.

Am I interrupting something,
Professor Moody?

No. Just a complete
psychological breakdown.

I'm just picking up my essay.
Jill said she graded them.

Rock on.

Oh, and you should hit up
Dave Edelstein.

Kind of a douche,

but his coke is the fucking truth.

What? It's a great study aid.

Plus, it suppresses my gag reflex.

Good for... you know.

Noted. And dismissed.

Shotgun?

They're not gonna hear that.

An unreliable drug dealer,
the fucking gall.

- All right, well. We tried. We gave it a shot.
- That's you trying?

- What?
- No wonder my last book didn't sell.

Jesus, the cops.

Unlocked.

Go, go.

Come on.

A Fleshlight, stealthy, secure.

I hate to say it,
but it's highly likely.

Maybe in the labia. Vas definitely.

- I would check it out.
- Shit!

Looks a little like you. Check it.

Go deep. Dig in.

Get in there.

Oh, Charlie.

God damn it.
It's sticky inside.

What are you laughing at?

Cos I know where it is, numbnuts.

Go.

Fucking hell.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Go ahead. I had a few when I was a kid.
They're like sweethearts with scales.

- Just do it.
- What is this?

OK. You're not such
a bad boy, really, are you?

No...

You're a good little boy.

That's a good boy.

- Fuck! God!
- Runkle, shit!

- What the fuck, Runkle?
- That fucking thing fed upon me!

That fucking goddamn monster
fucking ate my flesh.

Shit. Jesus Christ,
what if it's poisonous?

I think I feel my heart slowing down.

Oh, my God, I think something
weird is happening.

- Is there?
- You're becoming an even bigger pussy!

It's a garter snake.
It's an overgrown earthworm. You're fine.

Excuse me. IDs. Now.

Actually, we're just visiting.

- Yeah? Who you visiting?
- His cousin.

- Yeah.
- Lover. His nephew.

David Edelstein. David Edelstein.

Runkle. Runkle.

Run, Runkle!

I'm sorry.

Jeez. OK. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

That's my left ball!

That's my right ball.

Not the glans!

Runkle, save yourself. Run!

Easy on the cuffs there,
bad lieutenant.

- You're making a big mistake.
- Save it for the cops.

I'm very tight with the dean. He will not
be pleased when he hears about this.

- You're friends with the dean?
- I fucked his wife.

What, no dinner?

I didn't think you'd be hungry.

I'm not.

No, me neither.

Hey! Would you look at that?

We have something in common.

That, and we're both pissed at him.

I'm not pissed at him,
because it would not be appropriate for...

- Mother.
- Daughter.

I just wanna know what the fuck
is going on with my own life.

Yep. That seems reasonable.

Basic, simple things.

Where am I going to school?

Is he living with us?
Is he not living with us?

Is someone in charge here? Anyone?

Or are we just going on in this
fucked-up limbo forever and ever?

Sweetie, I know, I know
it doesn't make any sense.

You can't sweetie me.
I'm not six years old any more.

- I need real answers.
- I know.

You're right, I'm sorry.

And I know that's nowhere near enough.

You see, I had a plan.

I did.

But it just didn't work out
the way I thought it would.

You thought he'd do
a good job of being in charge?

Right.

I have an idea.
Let's get outta here.

We've been cooped up all day long.
We need fresh air.

Whatever.

That was kind of a yes, wasn't it?

Come with me.

Here's the jacket. There you go.

Hey, man.

You're really
hanging out down there, Rick.

Yeah. I like to freeball
with my eight ball.

Evidently.

Jesus.

OK. Look, Rick.

Before I hand over the goods,

I really feel like I need to
get something off my chest.

All right, Charlie. It's OK.

I was out of line today. I'm sorry.

I mean, you're my agent.
You're not my errand boy.

I'm surprised.

Well, OK.
Thank you, Rick.

- I appreciate that.
- OK. So?

- Coca!
- Absolutely.

I'm just very thirsty.
It was a long trip.

I see you got a cooler.
I need some refreshment.

Where is she?

Marcy, where are you?
I know you're in here, Marcy.

Uh-oh.

I don't know what shocks me more.

The fact that you've obviously
completely replaced me

or that you'd jeopardise
your sobriety for this fuckwit!

This fuckwit happens to be

one of the kindest,
gentlest lovers I've ever known.

I know a couple of strippers out there
who might dispute that assessment.

Watch it, Runkle.
Gimme my fucking blow!

Where is it?

Oh, shit!

- You looking to get your ass fired?
- That's not possible.

- Really? Why is that?
- Because I fire you first!

That's right. I don't care how much
business you bring in.

You're an emotional fucking albatross,
Rick Springfield,

- and I'm through with you!
- Charlie, perspective.

You wanna go back to slinging
Beemers in the Valley?

Maybe I got carried away.

What I meant to say is...

No, no, no, no.
It's too late, fucker. You're dead to me.

And you can tell that old cooze Collini

that the whole Harry Greenberg Agency
is fuckin' dead to me too.

Fuck you!

And fuck your Z3
and fuck your dumb bald head

and your small, shitty life!

Now, gimme my blow
and get the fuck outta here!

Gladly.

Shit! What the fuck?

Like your dream crush now, Marcy?

Damn it!

It's like watching a figure skater fall.

Come on, baby, let's go.
We're getting out of here.

Incoming! Boom! Boom!

Boom! And the little bird said...

Dad!

Oh, yes.

I thought you hated Chelsea.

Well, since when
did you care what I think?

Anyway, the point is to say
what you wanted to say. Come on.

Knock, knock.

Don't be afraid.
We come in peace.

Hello! Chelsea!

Look who's here! Come on in.

- I see.
- Thank you.

I'm just not sure I give a shit.

I guess that's what passes for a welcome
around here these days.

I just came to say I'm sorry

for punching you in the face.

And calling you a stupid twat.

- I was highly emotional.
- Look at that.

Rapprochement.
It's my favourite part of any war.

Why don't you and Becca
go up to your room?

It's not necessary, OK, Dad?

- I'll finish dinner.
- It's fine.

Now, if you two don't mind,

I'm enjoying some quality time
with my dad...

before he checks
into the heartbreak hotel.

We know.
We've been there already.

Come on, now, you don't
have to make it sound so dour.

Well, that's a nice try,
but you want my opinion?

It's so much better not to lie to them,

because they kinda know
when things are shitty.

- I don't know that things are all that...
- They're shitty, Dad. Face it.

All thanks to you-know-who.

Look, it'd be nice if we could
blame Hank for all of this,

but the fact of the matter is
that it's more complicated than that.

I'm not talking about Hank.
I'm talking about Mom.

- She's making a complete ass of herself.
- Well, that's true.

I'm going to my room.

That's where I'll be, in case, I don't know,
you want to apologise further or something.

I'm sure she doesn't mean it.
Go on. Take a shot.

You'll be OK.

You know how we could really get back

at those significant others
of ours, the two of us?

If we made love...

that would really piss 'em off.

- Huh?
- Oh, wow.

- Becca!
- Too soon?

You're right. It's too soon.
My heart needs to heal.

Hell, I'm not even sure
the little dean is up to it, you know.

- How about a glass of wine?
- Sold.

Free at last!

The air, it just smells better
after you've been in the big house.

Thanks for doing this, by the way.

I can't believe you didn't have
anything better to do with your evening.

Couldn't very well let you
rot in there, could I?

Well, it's been done.

Well, I'm the one who made
the brilliant mistake of hiring you.

Yes, you did.

And I never give up on my brilliant mistakes.
I see them through to the bitter end.

Is that where we are?
Because I knew I recognised the place.

I don't regret any of it, you know,

despite the humiliation,
gossiping in the department,

or the end of my marriage.

Shit. You gonna go through
with this divorce thing?

Sure. It's a wonderful feeling, you know,

once you realise that it's all behind you,
all that bitterness and anguish and torment.

I don't know, I...
I've been there.

I have. But it wasn't like that for me.

It was more like having a...

giant hole ripped into my universe.

Yeah, but you never
actually let go, did you?

It's the pain that holds people together,
the need to hurt one another.

Once that's gone, there's nothing left.
Nothing worth saving, anyway.

I don't accept that.
Where's the love, lady?

- The love?
- Yes. Where it be located?

To misquote a '70s soul classic.

Don't make me go Roberta Flack
on your ass.

That's love, torturing each other?
Half in, half out?

Torture. That sounds like love to me.

- Well, you go on believing that, if you like.
- I like. That shit's romantic.

I've had quite enough torture
for one lifetime.

Enough with doing the right thing.

I never thought you'd be
one of those types, you know?

- The ones who suffer in silence.
- No, I'm not. I suffer very loudly.

- You should try it sometime.
- No, thanks.

From now on,
I'd just rather be happy.

So that's it? You discovered the key
to happiness in one short semester?

Well, I did have a little help.

Thanks, Professor.

You know, if you ever decide
to rethink that philosophy of yours,

let me know.

I'll be around.