Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 10 - Dogtown - full transcript

Previously on Californication...
Not Hank's fault? Excuse me.
- What does that mean? - It's not my fault.
- You didn't tell her. - Tell me what?
Becca's father and I had a slight indiscretion.
She's got to be kidding me, right?
I don't want to hear about Felicia and her midlife crisis.
Fuck me, bone me, stuff me.
- Take your pick. - Oh.
Who else has he been fucking?
You?
Oh, gross.
I can't believe you slept with all of them.
- You're a goddamn girl whisperer. - OK.
- Julian's a writer too. - Really?
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.
Why are you asking me to procure you drugs like I'm your assistant?
I'm dating my dream crush.
Hitting my peak sexually.
Give me my blow and let's just call it a day.
No fucking way, Rick Springfield.
You just don't want me to be happy, Charlie.
- Ha, ha, ha! - Shit!
- You looking to get your ass fired? - I fire you first!
Charlie! You wanna go back to slinging Beemers in the Valley?
All right, maybe I got carried away.
(♪ Black Sabbath: NIB)
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Some people say my love cannot be true
♪ Please believe me, my love, and I'll show you
♪ I will give you those things you thought unreal
♪ The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal ♪
Hey! What's the dilly, yo? Where are you fine young wenches off to this evening?
- Oh, dinner. Yeah. - Oh. Great, I could eat.
Give me a second, I want to change my shirt. These pits are barking. (Sniffs)
No, actually, that's pretty good. Salty. Yeah, you girls want some of this?
Check it out? Keeps you regular. All right, what are we thinking?
We're thinking that you weren't exactly invited.
Oh.
- (Ringtone) - That shit is cold.
Yeah. Marcy's in a funk about the whole Rick Springfield of it all, so...
- (Becca) Hey, Chels. ...we were gonna take her out,
show her a good time. Lady stuff.
- I like the lady stuff. - I know you do.
I was kinda looking forward to this as a little family togetherness time.
Oh. Well, maybe next time.
Cos I thought it might be good foreplay.
Oh, um, family togetherness equals foreplay how exactly?
It's been quite some time since we have lain together as man and woman.
- And it's gonna be some time, Hank. - Really? Can you...
How many... Days? Weeks? Months?
Mm. Well, when I close my eyes
- and I don't see you inside... - Oh, come on.
...that annoying little simp of a woman...
- That's gross. ...then maybe I'll be good to go.
- Roughly speaking. - Why you gotta be like that?
Was it good, Hank? The sex?
- Ah, come on. - Did she rock your world?
- Did she fuck your brains out? - Oh, stop. I was performing a service.
When a plumber works on pipes, he doesn't think about the quality of the pipes,
he just fixes the shit out of them, then he goes the fuck home.
And drinks to forget.
All right, well, you guys have a lovely evening.
Say hi to the Marce for me. Tell her to keep her chin up.
I'll be fine here alone!
Eating a PB&J under a bare bulb!
Ground control to Major Dong.
Not a good time, Hank.
I'm getting a serious relocation vibe here. You moving north of Wilshire?
I got the axe, Hank. Shit-canned.
Charlie Runkle is once again an agent... without an agency.
- Rick Springfield ankled? - That's right.
That He-Man, woman-hating salad-tosser is now in play.
Buck up, Chuck. You've still got me.
I'm bound to put pen to paper one of these days. Hey, fuck you.
- Woo-hoo! - All right, Runkle. Here are the rest of 'em.
I trust you will be discreet, especially with the ones with my legs akimbo.
Sure thing, Sue.
Ah, the writer who doesn't write.
I take it you're off with Jerry Maguire here.
Undoubtedly. Homies before hoes, you know?
Ah, good. Well, it saved me a phone call. There's no heat on you.
I mean, you're as cold as a witch's cunny.
Oochie-wah-wah. The lady's really got it in for me this evening.
- Hey, it's just business. You understand. - Oh, yeah. I get it.
- Nothing personal. - Nope.
Now, Runkle, just because we no longer have a professional relationship
does not mean that you cannot wine me, dine me,
and stand-up-69 me once in a while, huh?
Dear God.
Well, she's got a point. There's no reason you should let a professional misstep
come between you and a quality 69.
So... you fire me,
but you still want me around as some sort of boytoy?
How's Sundays for you?
Charlie Runkle is not a doormat.
He's not some little puppy that comes trotting back after being kicked to the curb.
- You go, girl. - Suit yourself, stallion.
You know, we could have been lifelong fuck buddies, Runkle.
Leave your keys with Rhonda.
Collini...
out.
She's a sweet woman. Salt of the earth, really. I'm gonna miss her.
- Really? - Not really.
- Wanna get some gin and juice? - Ooh, hoochie-mama.
- Think I'm gonna take me one of these. - Bad boy.
To hamsters in a fucking cage, going round and round.
When will we ever learn?
I'm still working off last year's sins. You're the one with fresh blood on your hands.
I didn't commit any crimes, though. That's the thing.
Karen was across the country. I thought we had an understanding.
- We did. - Oh.
She did some things. Ugh!
Clearly I did some things.
But we're being very adult and European about it.
No matter what they say,
bitches don't like it when you fuck other bitches.
Word. And they don't like it when you call them bitches, either.
- Oh! - FYI for you, Charlie Runkle.
- So, you think we'll ever get it right? - Mm... That remains to be seen.
I think that, ultimately, they're gonna have to raise the white flag
and accept us for the emotional retards that we are, don't you think?
- One would think. - Yeah.
- Just hope my wiener still works. - Mm.
You'll be punishing that thing with gnarled, arthritic hands. Don't you worry.
- I still love her, though, you know? - Yeah.
- My sweet little piece of Marcipan. - Yeah.
- Those boobies? - Mm.
- Her teeny, tiny bajinie. - That's enough.
After all these years, she still gets this white man harder than igneous rock.
Settle down, white man. Take it to the restroom.
Don't you have those moments sometimes?
When you just... you think to yourself, "God! I love this woman, and I always will."
There was this one time...
I fell asleep in the Porsche outside of Bill's house.
- Just once? - Becca found me.
It was, like, two or three years ago, I think.
Karen invited me in and made me breakfast.
I know that Becca strong-armed her into inviting me in, but that's not the point.
She made me breakfast, and she didn't have to.
She made me this omelette that was delicious. Perfect breakfast.
- Know why? Because she made it for me. - Mm.
Then she told me to grow the fuck up and get on with my life,
but that didn't matter, because it was one of those moments where I decided,
I resolved, that I was gonna keep on fighting.
You know, I've lost many battles, but I've never lost sight of the war.
No retreat, baby. No surrender.
(Runkle sniffing)
Jesus Christ, Runkle, are you weeping again?
- Well, it was sweet. You moved me. - (Crash)
- Jesus! - Hey! Hey!
- Get a load of this asshole. - No shit, brosephina.
- You spilled on my buddy here. - I did.
(Laughs) Sorry.
- Hey, uh, excuse me. - Just let it go, Hank.
- Excuse me. I don't mean to be annoying... - Let it go, it's not worth...
...but just now when you said you were sorry,
it didn't really sound like you were sincere to me.
It was, like, "Uh, I'm sorry." Perfunctory. You understand that word?
Man, I am sorry. Did I spill on your girlfriend?
- I can get you and your lady another drink. - Oh!
I believe our manhood was just assailed.
I believe you're right. What are we gonna do about this?
I know what I'm gonna do about it.
Whoa! Fuck, I knew it!
Couple of real-life faggots!
Charlie...
- That's right, baby. - (Men laugh)
We're here, we're queer, and get used to it.
(Glass smashing)
Let me at him!
♪ Let it shine ♪
Thank you.
You might wanna think about popping a breath mint
or chewing some gum every now and again.
Your mouth tastes like a hobo's taint.
Why you gotta do that - make me feel self-conscious?
Do you have gum or a breath mint or something?
- What are we gonna do now? - Something fun, huh?
Um, you wanna go back to my place, watch some DVDs?
The girls are out for the night.
I'm not gonna watch pornography with you, Charlie Runkle. Creeps me out.
We'll watch a regular movie, I don't care.
Last time you talked me into movie night,
I sat there and watched you play pocket pool for two hours.
Men should not experience pornography together. It's unseemly.
Excuse me, Mr Morality.
Didn't know you had all these special rules about home entertainment.
You know what? The night is young. It's in diapers, for Christ's sakes.
What do you say, you and me, we go on a good old-fashioned bender?
- Aww! I could roll with that. - You can roll with it?
- I can roll with it. - Then you roll with it, motherfucker.
Proceeding to roll.
I think I'm sewing it up.
I tell you, seriously. It has led me astray. Thank you.
That's disgusting, and, also, what's it gonna solve?
I'm lost. Are you talking about your heart or your vagina?
Look at you!
- Using all the proper names for things! - Well, it is her father's favourite word.
I'm speaking of my vagina, sweetheart.
I don't have a heart any more. I lost that years ago.
I think it was the night of... the squirting incident.
Remember that, huh?
OK, I'll say no more.
You know... You know what? You had the fantasy.
How many people can say that they slept with their teen idol, right? That's...
How many people can say they slept with Rick Springfield?
Only every tramp, ho, and thief in Greater LA County.
Bleurgh! Bleh!
Ah! What was I thinking?
You just... You don't put yourself out there like that.
- It was good... - Take note.
You owed it to your younger self, right?
I mean, you needed to explore that whole area.
Really?
Were there any areas you explored when you was in New Yawk?
- (Hushed) I don't think we need to... - What, Mom?
Yes, please, not in front of the child.
No! Screw that. Tonight you're a growns-up.
You're out on girls' night out - GNO. You want a zip of my wine?
- Marce... - Mm-hm.
Oh! Check it out.
- South Of Heaven. - No.
First edition, signed by the author!
Portrait of the artist as a dirty young man. What did I inscribe?
"To Kelly. Best oral ever."
Who is Kelly?
I don't know. (Laughs)
- But I think we should find out! - Poor Kelly.
Sounds like she had mad skills.
Oh, early Hank Moody, going for 100 big ones.
That real money? Maybe in pesos.
That's 100% John Wayne-style American dollar.
Shit. People are willing to pay good money for my early, beer-soaked ramblings?
I've increased in value.
The Franklin Mint can lick me where the good Lord split me.
It's a shame that money doesn't go to you. It goes to sleepy-eyes over there.
No shit.
I do all the work and Weird Beard over there profits off my words, my autograph,
- my memories of sweet gifted Kelly. - Mmm.
Probably costs 100 bucks a week to keep him in tie-dye, Birkenstocks and crystals.
True dat. And you know there's no way I'm seeing my 10% either.
You could really use that ten-spot now, couldn't you?
- Right! - Cover me.
- I'm going Abbie Hoffman on this shit. - OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- I got you. - You know, Runkle...
- information... - Take it on home.
...wants to be free.
- I think we're good. - Got it?
- Let's go. - We bad.
- We bad, we bad, we bad. - Stop that. Stop.
- Let me get you covered here. Let me... - No.
- Charlie, don't be an ass. - I like to do that, it's fun.
Holy fuck! Look at this. The Artist Within gets himself an entire table.
All right, how much does a first ejaculate Sir Walter Dali go for?
- 95 bucks! - Yes! I win!
Suck it and taste it, artist within my yam bag.
Hold on a second, I gotta let one rip.
Switch with me?
- (Fart) - OK, OK, OK.
- Come on! - Slow down! Come on, man!
- Whoa! Ow, ow! - Get up.
- I'm down. Man down! - Get up. Get the man up.
- OK, the man's up. Oh! - Hello!
- Hey, don't fuck with the pinkberry. - We can't stop. We can't stop.
You know there's no one chasing you, right, Dad?
- No? - So there isn't.
Phew.
This is fun! We have fun.
Why are you looking at me like that, you goon?
- Are you ready for an adventure, Marce? - No.
Please stop doing that with your face.
We should move to New York, hm?
- With our friends, the Van der Moodys. - What?
I did it! I got fired!
Whoo! (Chuckles)
That's it, there's nothing tying us here, man.
You got dumped by a pervy rock star and I lost my job.
- Well, tell everybody. - ♪ Freedom's just another word for...
- ♪ I'm a free bird! - (Becca) He's freaking me out.
(Marcy) Me too.
(Hank laughs) This is what two White Winters will do to you!
- My V is sewn up tighter than ever. - That was great, Charlie. Congratulations.
- Come with us. - The next stop is the convenience store.
- What kind of snacks do you like? - Stop it.
- Because I like snacks... - You know what?
- It's past our, um, bedtime. - What about us? What about ours?
Way past your bedtime. Come on. You better put yourself to bed tonight.
You're gonna be changing your own diapers and wiping your own ass.
- I am done being your mommy. - OK.
But could you just please say "ass" one more time? I can work with that for days.
I want you to have this. This is your heritage and your inheritance.
I liberated it just moments ago.
(Karen) What is that? (Marcy) Stop it.
Who's Kelly?
(Charlie laughs)
I've been thinking about that for 10 minutes. She's either a... (Swallows)
...a cocktail waitress from Toronto
or a very promising young marine biologist.
Either way, your father's very lucky to have known her.
OK, that's it. Let's go.
- OK. - Bye.
- Your loss, ladies. - Thank you.
You're never gonna know the splendour of a Cheez Doodle burp.
- Stop selling, Runkle. Come on. - Good point.
(Both laugh)
Good evening.
I think she liked me.
(Hank) Kim, wasabi? (Charlie) Wasabi!
Living the dreams, Hank, living the dream.
- You get the booze, I'll get the snacks. - This is all the snack a brother needs.
(Charlie) You got your guilty pleasures, I got mine...
(Charlie) Ow! (Hank) Sh... The humanity!
- Jesus Christ, Hank! Come on. - Jesus, Hank!
- Sorry, Kim. I'll pay for it. - You bet your ass you pay for it.
(Hank) Yeah. (Kim) Shit, man.
- You got scolded. - Yeah.
(Charlie) I heard it.
Hey, I saw that.
- Saw what, homie? - What are you doing? Put that shit back.
- What the fuck you care? - What do I care?
Kim and his wife... Kim are good people, and you're stealing from them.
You need money, get a paper route or something. That's bullshit.
- Whatever. - Leave him alone, Hank.
- No, the kid's stealing. That's not cool. - He's a kid.
Need I remind you, we borrowed some hardcover non-fiction this very evening?
- That is totally different. - Of course it is.
There's no law against an author stealing his own work.
What about Julian?
There's no law against stealing from a colossal douchebag.
Wait, check this out, I got an idea.
Hey... No, no. No, it's cool.
Put that shit back, and I'll give you this book.
People swear by it. It'll change your life, put you on the straight and narrow.
If it doesn't, use it as toilet paper.
Check it out. The Artist Within.
(Charlie) Hank... (Hank chuckles) My ass. Here you go.
- Hank... - Take it.
- Shut up, Charlie, I'm schooling this kid. - Hank!
What?
Ah...
- Give me your fucking wallet. - Yeah, OK, just take it easy.
You win, all right. Settle down. No, you got it. You got it.
- Take it easy. - Shut the fuck up.
Just take it. Treat yourself.
What, are you kidding me? What the fuck? What the fuck is this?
- I work on commission, bro. - Shut the fuck up!
You think this is a fucking joke?
I got a daughter.
- (Gunshots) - Get out of my store, motherfuckers!
- Get out! You motherfuckers! - (Alarm bell rings)
- Fuck you! Get back here! - (Gunshots)
Fuck me.
(Siren)
I thought that was it, Hank.
The end.
I know what you mean, broheme.
- What was going through your head? - What do you think?
Karen and Becca.
How much I love them.
How much time I've wasted being a selfish prick.
What a cosmic "fuck you" it would be if you were the last person I kissed before I died.
I don't know. I think it would have been kinda poetic, actually.
For you, maybe.
I know what you mean, though. I had my whole life flash before my eyes.
Really just like a... like a TiVo on fast-forward.
And you know what?
It was really fucking pathetic.
Oh, I believe you.
OK... what now?
- Where do we go from here? - I'm not entirely sure,
but if you thought we were drinking before you were dead wrong, because now...
- (Chuckles) ...we are gonna do some drinking.
- You with me? - Oh! Till the end, my Nubian brother.
Till the bitter end.
- I love you, bro. - Hey, settle down. Don't soil yourself.
Again.
(Charlie) Make the car go very fast.
OK, just one drink,
so that missy here doesn't slit her wrists when she's left all alone.
Oh, but you forget - I won't be alone.
- I got Yertle the Turtle as my roommate. - (Laughs)
All the disadvantages of being married and none of the advantages.
And what would those be, if you don't mind my asking?
- Those what? - The advantages of being married.
I need to know so I don't end up as bitter as you guys.
Shit, is that how we sound?
So far I haven't heard much in the pro-men column.
The best you can hope for, I guess,
is that they make you laugh and occasionally fix things around the house.
Yeah, that would be great.
What? I would kill for a guy to fix things around the house.
- What we meant to say was... - Don't look at me. I know I'm bitter.
- I own that shit. I ams who I's ams. - Well, I'm not bitter. Am I bitter?
Maybe I am. I'm disillusioned, that's what I am.
I'm definitely disillusioned.
Come on, Mom, what did you think would happen?
Did you think if you left he would grow up all of a sudden?
No, I just... You know, I wish we didn't have to prop him up all the time.
What's the point in wishing for something that's never going to come true?
He's never going to change, Mom.
He's always going to be that drunken fool in the middle of Abbot Kinney.
The same guy who wrote this book.
If that's not what you want then you have to be the one to walk away.
Because he never will.
God, Jesus!
I love this little Buddha you shot out of your vag.
So wise!
(Sighs)
Mm. Jesus!
(Sighs) Feel like I've been fucked in the ass by God himself.
And he... he...
he pulled out and jizzed all over my face,
got in my eyes, and now I can't even open 'em properly.
I'm hungry. You?
So our ladies must be worried sick about us, huh?
- You know why? - Why?
Cos we're a couple of dirty stay-outs.
No missed calls.
Huh, me neither.
Well, whatever.
Oh!
This was fun. We should do this more often.
You know, I can do this because I'm an artist.
But you? You're a fucking businessman.
A sucker in a three-piece suit. You gotta keep your shit together.
- Doesn't sound very fair at all. - I didn't make the rules.
You know, you're a good friend, you bald motherfucker.
I'm lucky to have you.
Same here, buddy.
You're a really good kisser too, you know that?
Karen doesn't know what she's missing right now.
There's a good chance I'd have forgotten about that.
- Oh, no. - Thanks for calling it back.
God, I am sore!
My fucking back is killing me.
Got quite a workout last night, huh? (Groans)
- Hey, Charlie? - Yeah.
Did we get tattoos last night?
Did we what?
Oh, no, Hank.
Hank, what did I do?
I don't know, but we're about to find out.
Bend over, big boy, and drop your drawers.
And I hope that's the last time I ever say that to you.
Jesus Christ, say it ain't so, Hank.
(Laughs) Oh, it is so.
It is definitely so.
Why would you let me do that, Hank?
Why would you let me get a tramp stamp? Why would you do that to me?
Look on the bright side. It's a beautiful tattoo.
- The artist definitely outdid his self. - Jesus Christ!
It's a goddamn butterfly, isn't it, Hank?
Now I remember. It's all coming back to me.
I'm such a fucking idiot!
OK, come on. Let's go. We're going to the removal place right now.
Let's go. Hey...
(Hank hoots, laughs)
(Charlie) Come on, let's go!
- Good morning. - Morning.
- How was your night? - You know, it was great. It was really good.
Great.
- Yours? - Mine was interesting.
Definitely had its moments.
I didn't fuck anyone, if that's what you're wondering.
Uh, no, I wasn't, actually.
Mm, bullshit.
How's Marcy?
- Uh, she'll live. You know... - Well, that's good.
And you? How are you?
I'm trying.
That's all anybody can ask, huh?
Right.
Hey, check this out.
- Hank, don't... - No, no, no. No.
(Groans)
Huh?
(Sighs)
- Am I supposed to be impressed? - That's the idea, yeah.
Hmm.
"Hmm"?
I scar myself for you, I stigmatise myself for you,
and that's all I get as a response is "hmm"?
Hmm?
♪ Can you see the light... ♪
(Sighs)
♪ Can you hear the hum of our song... ♪
Are you hungry?
♪ I hope they get it right... ♪
Would you like some breakfast?
♪ I hope we dance tonight... ♪
I would love some breakfast.
♪ Before we get it wrong
♪ Now I see you
♪ Till kingdom come
♪ You're the one I want to see me
♪ For all the stupid shit I've done
♪ Soil and six feet under
♪ Killed just like we were
♪ Before you knew you'd know me
♪ You know me ♪