Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Verities & Balderdash - full transcript

Previously on Californication...
I am right in the middle of a nasty divorce.
Oh, you can play hard to get all you like, Runkle.
But Sue Collini always gets the wienie.
- How's it going, Professor? - In a word? Awesome.
(Stacy) Look, Hank. I know you're not exactly
what anyone would call an education professional.
But my wife went out on a limb for you.
(As Popeye) Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!
- What do you think of Jackie? - You're old enough to be her father.
You find me irresistible.
Has a woman ever punched you in the face?
You know what? You should use me.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- This is where you work? - You want to come inside?
- Would that involve seeing you naked? - Oh, most definitely.
I think not. In the interest of student-teacher relations.
We're being all normal and responsible, and...
What if, in the process, we... just kinda get over each other?
What if...
you tell me about our daughter?
- Who are you texting? - Chelsea.
To tell her you're being a total dick right now.
- (Glass shatters) - I fucking hate you!
Yeah, and I fuckin' hate you too, you little shit.
(♪ Queens of the Stone Age: You Got A Killer Scene There, Man)
♪ Don't wanna love you no more
♪ Don't wanna love you less
♪ I wanna be crushed by your sweet caress
♪ What's the fuckin' difference
♪ We all gonna die... ♪
Oh, no, no, no. You don't have to do that.
Not on my account.
Oh. Well, you see, that is a prime example
of what's wrong with the younger generation today.
You leave nothing to the imagination.
So you've got yourself some boobs.
Some nice, big, round boobs.
Everybody's got 'em.
You know, nothing to get excited about.
You know, just...
(Felicia, echoing) Hank? Hank.
Hank.
- Hank Moody. - Yes, Fräulein.
- Do you have anything you'd care to add? - On the subject of?
On the subject of the subject we were just discussing.
Oh, that subject. Um, let me think.
Not a thing. Nope.
- No. There is something I would like to say. - Excellent. We're all ears.
Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex-positive feminism?
I mean, I know they all say they're down with the pornography
and the shaved pudenda and whatnot,
but do we really think this is the path to liberation?
Ezra Pound. What do you think?
I'm not sure this is the proper forum for such a discussion, Hank.
You asked me. I'm just thinking out loud.
- Spitball. - OK, everyone.
- That'll do. Thanks for coming. - Already?
- My Lord. - Yeah, see you all tonight.
You too, Hank. Correct?
- I'm sorry? - Tonight. My house.
English department fall mixer. Ring any bells?
- Not a one. - Oh, it's just a little get-together
we have at the start of every school year.
Faculty, grad students, some wine, some cheese.
Well, that sounds awesome and I'm stoked,
but alas, I've got plans with the soul-sucking vampire
I call my daughter tonight, so I gotta take a rain check.
Well, no, Chelsea's already asked if Becca can spend the night.
But I think she'll change her plans when she hears what her old man's got on tap.
Besides, wine gives me a headache and cheese makes me fart, a lot.
- You don't want me stinking up the place. - Now, what if I said...
your job depends on it, Hank?
Are you sexually harassing me right now?
Because if you are, I think I'm gonna have to report you.
For giving me a serious boner.
Good to know. See you at seven.
No means no, you know.
This man is ruining my life.
By making it unbearably awesome.
Sweetie, I'm not really sure I understand what the problem is.
He's delusional. He thinks we're going to hang out and bond or something.
OK, hand it over.
Thank you.
You don't understand, woman. I have a plan.
- You do? - Yes.
If we never leave the house, nothing bad can ever happen.
Right, cos, like, your parents never fuck you up.
No, you see, you were supposed to find that last remark charming.
- (Phone chimes) - Hold...
Hello? This thing on?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm here, I just... - (Phone chimes)
Um, my boss is trying to get through.
I'm late for a dinner with him and some clients, so...
Well, don't go. Just blow it off.
Please, will you take care of the Becca thing, please?
- Yes. I will take care of it. - Bye. Bye.
- Becca! - Yes, Father?
Don your best frock. The wine and cheese awaits.
You see that bathroom over yonder?
Once, I took every crooked inch Jackie Gleason had to offer in that stall.
Signed Kristofferson right here in this booth.
Yeah, time there was when I would get wet off a great sign.
Oh, that's right. I'm talking dripping, fucking Ganges wet.
(Clears throat) Speaking of the good old days...
- Hey, yeah. Sue Collini? - Over there, sir.
Hey, Springfield. Get your toned tush over here.
Sorry I'm late.
Some Tarzana housewife paid a grand to spend the day with me.
She wanted to make out, so I did her a solid
and I ate that butterscotch for, like, 45 minutes straight.
- Mm-hm. - Right, Rick.
This is my subordinate and prospective boytoy,
- Charles W Runkle. - Pleasure.
Sue and I used to see each other, you know. Early '80s.
Rick, in what universe is fucking like chinchillas
and blowing coke up each other's asses "seeing each other"?
I'm a big fan of your oeuvre, Rick. All of it. The music, the acting...
I'm flattered. Like I said on the phone,
I mean, I'm not looking for representation.
Oh, bullshit.
Housewives in Tarzana?
Rick, don't tell me that you don't wanna rawdog the top shelf
like you used to in your prime, huh?
All due respect, Sue, life isn't just about the pussy.
It's about finding your passion and never letting go,
- and this man has done just that. - Quit licking his shaft.
He's always been a prime cut of USDA beefcake, and he knows it.
Sure, the ladies love him. September 7, 2002.
The best sex I ever had with my wife.
Rick Springfield at the Universal Amphitheatre.
Was like three solid hours of foreplay, dude.
Everything she wanted to do with him in 1982 but didn't know how,
she did with me repeatedly, and I thank you, sir.
- Fat lot of good that does me. - OK, Runkle, get to the point.
First, we get you some indie cred.
Let's find you your Wrestler, like Mickey Rourke.
Let's see you blow people away with your serious side, huh?
Get an Oscar nom for playing an addict, a cripple, a retard, whatever.
Then you go into every office in town and you hit 'em with your passion project.
That's how you get it done.
Harry Greenberg Agency actually has the mojo to make that happen?
Fuck, no. You supply the mojo.
We take care of everything else.
Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Church.
You're scaring me, Sue.
Does that mean you like that?
Oh...
(Growls)
Ahh.
Finally. God, what took you so long? What up, Hank?
Becca, this is your last chance to change your mind.
- Just do me one favour. - Anything, my churlish love.
- Try not to get too hammered. - Don't put Daddy in a corner.
(Jill) Hank. You don't wanna park there.
Dean hates it when you block the entrance.
- Hm, big date tonight? - Is it that obvious?
That dress could cure cancer!
(Laughs)
I think you should fuck him.
If he agreed to meet you at this sad assembly of two-bit intellectuals,
he clearly digs the shit out of you.
Wow, you have the ability to make a simple cocktail party
into the worst thing that's ever happened to you.
- It's a gift, really. - There you are.
- Did you two come together? - No. We just came in together.
- Oh, I see. - And I get more bars outside. Excuse me.
Did you happen to see where Becca and Chelsea got off to?
They're fine. They went straight to Chelsea's room.
- Oh. - Come in, come in.
- I have so many people I want you to meet. - Oh?
Come on, baby. Celebrate with me.
Don't baby me, jackass. No.
Fuck no. I got a date.
Well, drop the zero and get with the hero.
- I signed a big fish today. - Oh, well, good for you.
Maybe you can move the fuck out now.
Right. Well. Force of habit, I guess.
Every time I sign a client, I just can't help but picture the two of us with a bottle of bubbly.
Well, that was then, Charlie.
And this is now. Got it.
OK, well...
Have a nice date.
Yeah, thanks.
Runkle, you were on fire today. I mean, that was serious Swifty Lazar shit.
I've never been so proud and so wet...
at the same time.
Come on.
Thank you.
How many jobs do you have, lady? You got a paper route too?
Fill this thing up. Scotch preferably.
I'm coming off a lengthy conversation with a man in a sweater vest.
Dean Koons keeps the good stuff locked in his office.
- Which would be where, exactly? - I can't tell you that.
People like you mess with the master's shit, people like me get blamed for it.
- Class warrior, are we? - Just a girl saving for a rainy day.
You know, the truth is I'm a pretty shitty bartender.
But I am a kick-ass stripper.
This bod is the true gift that God gave me.
I agree, but I think you're selling yourself short.
- What, I'm too smart to be a stripper? - Smart has nothing to do with it.
I'm just thinking in practical terms.
Down the road, job opportunities tend to dwindle
for those in the more naked professions, if you understand what I'm saying.
- Mm. - Two empty glasses, Jackie, thank you.
- Mm-hm. - I'm going to offer our
visiting scholar from Amherst some of my '82 Latour.
- Ooh. - Hey. That's not cool, Dean Koons.
Segregating your guests into two classes,
offering your good stuff only to a select few.
Well, when you get your Guggenheim, we can talk about that.
- Oh. - In the meantime, you enjoy that glass
- of very middling Cab. - Asshole.
(Growling)
(Making explosion sounds)
- There you are. - Oh.
- I see you found the toys in the attic. - Uh.
What, are you running a museum here on the side or something?
Oh, it's just his little hobby. Bores the shit out of me, actually.
I'm quite relieved to catch you here alone.
- You don't care about the snooping? - Oh, snoop all you want.
My life's an open book. Sadly.
Besides, Becca must have told you all about us by now.
No, she's not much one for chatting.
Texting, yes. Twitting, tweetering, twatting,
staring sullenly at the old man.
Oh, please. You fathers have it easy.
Most days, I can barely get a civil word out of Chelsea.
At least Becca still talks about you with some sort of twisted affection.
Re-becca? My Becca? That doesn't sound like her.
No, it's true. We had an interesting discussion the other day
about the more scatological elements in your work.
- And she knows a lot about Rabelais. - Yes, I taught her that shit.
I figured, when she told me all about how you got your start in New York
- and how you met her mother. - No shit.
Yeah. I mean, she seems a little confused
about the issue of whether you two are still together or not.
(Sighs) Aren't we all?
Oh, that's a shame.
Gosh, I'd love to fix you up sometime.
I appreciate that, but that's a fool's errand.
- Oh, really? Why is that? - Well, it's my purgatory, really.
Dinner, drinks, whatever. Never really all that interested,
but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway.
Cos it's true. All women are, in one way or another.
You know, there's always something about every damn one of you.
There's a smile, a curve, a secret.
You ladies really are the most amazing creatures.
My life's work.
But then there's the morning after.
The hangover, and the realisation that I'm not quite as available
as I thought I was the night before.
And then she's gone,
and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
Wow. I'm impressed.
You actually dropped the act for a moment and said something real.
Yes, I do that sometimes. But you never know when it's coming.
You gotta stay on your toes. I'm like a boxer that bobs and weaves,
like Muhammad Ali or Joe Frazier or Sugar Ray Leonard.
Basically, I'm just listing boxers you might...
Oops.
I'm...
The party's downstairs, isn't it?
- Wow. - Ow.
I think you might be selling yourself a little short.
With just the tiniest bit of effort,
you could've had someone much younger
and much hotter.
But better luck next time, Teach.
(♪ Chamber music)
What's the matter with you? You look flushed.
Well, my virtue was just assailed.
In a not entirely unpleasant manner, but still.
- Leaving so soon? - Yeah.
Girl can only take so much humiliation in one night.
Oh, the gentleman caller never called, huh?
No, he never called. And he never texted.
And he made an actual plan to meet me here.
And he seemed really into it on the first two dates.
And then, he just never showed. What... Go ahead and explain that to me.
Take a shot, you said you would explain it and, and... Why?
It's, like, so hard to make a phone call?
You seem to forget I'm not the man who stood you up.
Ah, here's where he keeps the good stuff.
Me! We were talking about me here.
OK. I'm gonna say this once and one time only, so listen closely, OK?
Fuck the fireman.
If I recall, that was the same advice you gave me earlier in the evening.
Totally different context.
So that's it. Just fuck him. That's all you got.
I gotta be laid-back about this. I'm not even allowed to be pissed off.
No, you get to be... you get to be pissed off.
But, uh, you know, Maybe if you just relaxed for...
whoa... half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate,
then you might wake up one morning next to one.
Right. Cos it's just that easy.
I didn't say it was easy. But you've got a serious gam up in the matter.
Oh, yeah. How... how so?
Cos you're scary smart and you're crazy beautiful.
You're also incredibly sexual. So there.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm a total nerd.
True that, but you're a sexy nerd.
Some women, they just shut off that part of themselves
and expect Prince Charming to come along
and pry open their dusty old beavers with the jaws of life, or some shit.
Not you. You're a good-timer.
- (Laughs) - Yep.
Mm-hm. And... and you're just saying this, right?
Which... What... what do you mean?
Well, you're saying all this incredibly weird
but incredibly sweet stuff about me and...
- Ah! - But that's what you do, right?
That's what you do in this situation, you're trying to make me feel better.
- Mm. Yeah. Which is bad, why? - It's not necessarily a bad thing.
I just wonder if you mean anything that's coming out of your mouth.
I don't just say shit. I mean, I do talk a lot of shit,
but I generally mean what I say and I say what I mean.
Mm-hm. So you see me as a viable candidate?
- Depends on what you're running for. - Dick! You know what I mean.
Look, if... if my love life weren't as complicated as something that is...
really complicated that I can't think of now,
I'd totally check your teeth and take you for a ride.
God, I hate you!
What? You're a strange bird. Why are you hating on me?
Cos I really thought you were gonna kiss me then.
Oh. That is weird. That is very weird.
- Why? - Cos I was thinking the exact same thing.
- Really? - Well, not exactly.
I was thinking about what it might be like to go down on you for the first time.
- It's kind of the same thing, isn't it? - You're such an asshole.
♪ Boys are boys and girls are joys
♪ To you and me they're more than toys
♪ Gonna find one, she won't be lonely
♪ She'll be mine, mine and mine only
♪ And when you will be all right
♪ Wee-hoo ♪
(Chelsea) Do you feel it yet?
(Becca) Nope. Is that normal?
(Chelsea) Totally.
Mushrooms take a while to hit.
What's the craziest thing you've ever done?
Sexually.
Let's put it this way.
My father would be thrilled by my lack of experience in the area.
What about blow jobs?
I touched one.
Kind of freaked me out how hard it got.
- Hm. - You?
A bunch of times. It's fun.
Weren't you scared?
Sure. At first. But then you realise how much power you have over guys,
and it's kind of exciting.
I'm sure I'd do something wrong.
It's not like you're gonna break it.
I mean, as long as you're careful with your teeth
and remember to incorporate the balls, you can't fuck it up too bad.
Ask any guy, he'll tell you.
- OK. Good to know. - Don't worry.
- We'll get you laid this year. - No rush.
Sometimes I think I'd be happy to stay a virgin forever.
Seems like once you get laid...
Your whole life basically turns to shit.
I've heard that one before. Come on, Becca. You're slipping.
I've done a lot of work to get you out of that gloomy fuckin' head of yours.
Think about it.
If my mother and father hadn't been so quick to fuck each other,
- I wouldn't be here right now. - Hm.
And if I wasn't here right now, I think they'd be a lot happier.
Especially my father.
It's really shitty that he makes you feel that way, Becca.
He doesn't. It's me.
(Laughs)
I just see things.
(Laughing hysterically)
- Is this it? - Yep.
- Oh, wow. - I know, right?
- No, not that. - No?
No. I'm such a slut.
In the best way possible.
You're not, like, gonna lose respect for me now, are you?
- Eight per cent at the most. - (Giggles)
- Hold on. Thought I heard somebody. - (Man singing)
- Shit. No... Ah! - Shit.
Go, go.
(Stacy) ♪ Won't you treat me nice?
♪ Hey, my peach, blow on my dice
♪ Gonna swing on my swing
♪ Ah! Don't you dare treat me nice
♪ Cos I'm a child for you
♪ Baby, I'm wild for you
- ♪ And... ♪ - (Mobile plays disco tune)
- OK, you caught me. - Oh, Jesus!
Watch that stuff. Here, let me take that.
- Gimme that. - No, no! Will you stop it?
- Moody, for Christ's sake. - You were gonna spill it.
Please don't handle me. What are you doing in my private office?
- Came in here to make a phone call. - That was... that was your cell phone?
Yeah. I like me a '70s groove.
What about that ditty you were singing when you came in here?
- May I enquire about that? - That was an obscure classic.
- Was it? Yeah. - Yes.
Is it, uh, some ditty of your own invention, perhaps?
No, it's right out of the great American songbook.
If you had a little more culture, you'd understand.
Something you would have sung a cappella with the Whiff 'N' Poofs?
Gay Men's Health Choir, or something like that?
- Hey, you two. Party's in there. - Ah. Yeah.
- You're not having any of my Lowland malt. - I wouldn't dream of it.
But I would like some privacy to make a phone call.
- No. - No?
- No. - What do you mean, no?
- That's not very polite. - Well, my house, my rules.
What's gotten into him?
- Is there another way in here? - Why do you want more privacy?
- Well, I just... - Listen, Hank.
About earlier, can we just forget what happened?
Oh, well, we needn't ever speak of it again.
But one does not very easily forget the kiss of a beautiful woman.
That's right. I said it. I meant it. And I'm here to represent it.
I gotta run, cos that cheese is working on me.
(Lift bell)
Ah. Mm.
- (Chuckles) - Oh, hi. I was looking for Charlie.
- He's gone home for the day. - Oh. You must be Sue.
Yes. Sue Collini.
Marcy, the ex.
- Ah. - He's told me all about you.
Oh.
OK, well, if you just tell him that I was looking for him,
- I was gonna give him this bottle of... - (Coughing)
(Coughs)
Smoker's cough. Love those More Menthols.
Charlie.
- Charlie Runkle. - Yes.
Are you inside that woman?
- I can explain. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
Marcy. Marcy, it...
- Ahem. It was nice to meet you, Sue. - Marcy, Marcy, don't go. Marcy!
Oh, God, OK.
Let's just keep my ass closer to the ground, please.
- There you go. - OK.
Remind me, never take your advice again.
You're gonna thank me when you're living in the suburbs
with that house with the attached garage of your dreams.
- (Chuckles) - Would you like a smoke?
No, I've broken quite enough rules for one night, thank you.
Speaking of which, uh, probably wasn't cool of me
to take advantage of you in your moment of weakness.
No, it wasn't. But in fairness, uh, all of my moments are moments of weakness now.
Hm!
So, what's the matter with me anyway?
Well, now that I've had an up close and personal view,
I would have to say, nothing.
- Oh, come on, that old chestnut? - Mm?
It's not me, I just haven't found the right guy?
- Oh, my God. - What?
- Shit, he's here. - Him who?
- The fire dude. - The balls on that guy, three hours late.
Then again, you just had another dude inside you ten minutes ago.
- Jill. - Hey, Ross.
- Hey. - You made it.
- Yeah, you must really hate me right now. - She does.
Um, yeah. That... that's not a lie. I, um...
(Clears throat) This is...
Uh, this is Dr Henry Moody. I'm her thesis advisor.
It's nice to meet you. I was beginning to think Jill made you up,
that you were a figment of her imagination.
Well, I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to explain, you know, unless I'm too late.
Maybe I've... maybe I missed my chance.
Well, normally she's a real stickler for verities and balderdash,
but if you were out saving lives, I think an exception can be made
for a real-life fire dude, don't you think?
What were you just saying, you want another fucking drink?
- Yes. - Just now. You were, right?
- I was. I... I need another fucking drink. - Yeah.
And spring for the good stuff. Top shelf. Don't be cheap.
- See you in class, Professor. - Mm-hm.
- (Giggling) - (Becca) There's my dad.
Hey. What have you two been up to?
Late-night swim, midnight tennis match?
We, um, just walked down to campus to get some pizza.
- Pizza? - Yes, pizza.
- Hm. Come closer. - Why?
I want to smell you.
(Sniffing)
You smell like pizza.
Be careful, don't get too close.
I feel a burp coming on.
- You wouldn't. - I would.
And remember, sometimes burps smell worse than farts.
- Is that a threat? - You guys are so gross.
What, there's no bodily functions at the deanery? Just catered affairs?
Hey, Dad, don't pick me up till noon tomorrow, OK?
- OK, sweetie. - (Giggling)
Very cheerful. Very cheerful.
♪ Shadows are falling... ♪
One night, Felix. That's it. All right?
Understood. I just... I can't go back there tonight.
I can't face her. Not after this humiliation.
Remind me again how this humiliation is different from all the others.
I'm gonna need some eggs Benedict tomorrow, blue man.
That I can do. What I cannot do is resist the allure of a powerful woman.
So we're 100 per cent sure she's 100 per cent woman, right?
The balls of steel thing is just metaphorical?
You know what did the trick, Hank?
What sent me over the edge after weeks of resisting?
One tiny little compliment about my agenting.
That's it. That's all it takes to make a man come across.
We are not complicated creatures.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You were sexually harassed tonight.
As was I. No man can withstand that kind of pressure.
Yeah, but do you know where I'd be If I'd been just a tiny bit stronger?
Back in the promised land.
The whole package, man. My own house, my own bed,
my own wife.
Next year, my Hebrew friend.
Next year in Jerusalem.
♪ It's not dark yet
♪ But it's getting there ♪