Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Land of Rape and Honey - full transcript

- no one wants
to publish your book.

- this is a big fuckin' bummer.

I could really use an influx
of "cashish" right about now.

- runkle,
quit beating your meat.

- hank moody, sue collini.

- becca's dad, right?
- yikes.

- chelsea's mom?

- hey, speak of the she-devils.

- can i go over to chelsea's?

- actually, stay for dinner.
hank moody...

I'd like to introduce you
to richard bates, the writer.



He's going to be
teaching here this year.

- big fan.
drink with me.

- ten years' sobriety
down the drain.

- fuck me.
- i can't afford

To keep paying rent
and mortgage

At the same time, okay?

I'll just--i'll move back in.
- this can't be right.

- it's within his right.

- oh! yes!

- you're the dean
of this fine institute

Of fancy book learning?
- correct.

- who wants to see me talk
and do the pee-pee dance?

[laughter]

- let's get your clothes.



- what about bates?

Is he gonna be able
to do his thing?

- from rehab?
i doubt it.

You wouldn't happen to know

Of any other
bad boy novelists

Looking for a teaching gig,
would you?

[rock music]

? ?

- [whistles]

[muttering gibberish]

- mm!

- yes, marcy.

- how are things at work,
teach?

- excellent question,
cougar smurf.

Aside from the fact that
i generally loathe young people,

It's a pretty cush gig.

- and we're keeping our hands
off the young nubiles, are we?

- please.

Teenage girls
are greatly overrated.

Present company excepted,
of course.

- of course.

- are you okay over there?

Are you stroking out
or something?

- oh, whatever do you mean?

- you're grinning
like a mongoloid.

- no, i think
i'm just feeling grateful.

This seems like old times,
don't it?

- here we go.

- truth be told,

I remember the food
being a hell of a lot better.

What about this steak?

Tastes like prison ass.

- becca. miss.

You're not eating.
what's wrong with you?

- nothing. i'm on a diet.

- what?

- hey, you are a beautiful,
young, white woman.

Remember that.

- you do not need
to be on a diet.

- dad, i could easily
lose ten pounds.

- [gasps]
your mother would kill me

If you develop
an eating disorder.

- i like me a big girl.

Yeah, before marcy here,

Most of my girlfriends
were somewhat zaftig.

- yeah, i remember that.

Your apartment was like
half off at lane bryant.

- that's right,
that's right.

Big and getable.
that's the way i liked 'em.

And then old half-pint here
came along and...

- oh, god. please cut
the sweet talk, will you?

- [kisses]
- we're not together.

We're living together.
there is a huge difference.

- hey, hey. i've made
my intentions known.

Love will find a way.

[doorbell rings]

No, no, no, no.
sit.

Sit, relax, eat, enjoy.

Mwah. i will get it.

I'm sorry, my nubian brother.

We're right in the middle
of dinner.

We're not interested
this evening. ta.

- not interested in what,
exactly?

- whatever it is
you're selling, brother.

Let me guess.
magazine subscriptions?

- i'm here for marcy.

- marcy? my wife?

- i'm here to pick up marcy.
for our date.

- hi.

Thank you.

- see you around,
my nubian brother.

[upbeat music]

? ?

- "the shy, talented vampire

"looked up to his
centuries-old mentor.

"even in the twilight
of his eternal youth,

"the old man was wicked-smart
and roguishly handsome,

"a glint of the devil flickering
in his beautiful, undead eyes.

"the young vampire knew
there was much to be learned

"from his blood-sucking mentor--

"how to live, how to feed,
how to fuck.

"but the boy was hungry.

"ravenous, actually.

"soon he would have to feed,

"and feed he would.

"the moronic frat boys that
mocked him on a daily basis

Were good for something
at least."

- [clears throat]

[coughs]

- i--i'm just texting
with my daughter.

It's the only time she actually
acknowledges my existence.

Okay, so what about
balt's story?

I heard something about
vampires and frat boys and cum,

So i'm half-chubbed.

How about the rest
of you spoiled, rich kids?

Someone?

Anyone?

Bueller? bueller?

Bueller.
what say ye, jackie?

- he's my roommate.

He'll get mad at me.

- maybe, but ultimately
he'll thank you

For having the balls
to say something of substance.

- okay.

Well, i've told him
a thousand times

He needs to drop
the vampire bullshit.

It's stupid.

You're not a fucking
creature of the night, balt.

- says you, slut.

- see?
what'd i tell you?

- anything else?

- well, uh, there was an
awful lot of talk about fucking,

But no actual sex.

That kind of bummed me out.

- well, it is possible
that longing for something

Is better than
actually having it.

I've heard it said
that satisfaction

Is the death of desire.

- interesting.
do you need a tampon?

I think i have an extra
in my purse.

- ow. whoa.
look at the time already.

Wow.

- actually,
there's 15 minutes left.

- which is why
i will leave you with this.

I can't teach you how to write,

And anybody who says they can
is full of shit.

The only thing i can do

Is write about the shit
that excites me,

The shit that gets me hard.

So, balt, if you want
to write about vampires

Drinking each other's blood
and cum and whatnot,

By all means, go for it.

Write the shit out of it.

Don't be niggardly
with your emotions.

Just run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes, okay?

Now get the fuck out of here.

Go read a book or something.

Preferably one of mine.

- you know, i try not
to think about it too much,

But i could have been t.a.-ing
for richard bates right now,

And that would have been
a real education for me.

I was doing my thesis on him.

Yeah, and then you had to go
and knock him off the wagon.

- but look how
it worked out for you.

You get to learn at the feet
of a master...bator.

- oh, ho. clearly.

Oh, hi, felicia.

- hi.

How's it going, professor?

- in a word? awesome.

- ooh.

Interesting curriculum.

- ah, look at that.
i sound like a fuckin' retard.

- no. don't be so hard
on yourself.

But you might want to erase it

Before word spreads
through these hallowed halls.

Academics can be vicious.

- at least i'm not
tucking my dong in class.

Not with my pants off, anyway.

- have you taken the sexual
harassment seminar, yet?

- yeah, i had jill
take it for me online.

What? what?

- [sighs]
- it's like traffic school.

- uh, david curran wants to know

Why you gave him a "c".

- okay, i'll bite.

Why'd i give him a "c"?

- you know, as your t.a.,

I'm happy to read
the students' material

And suggest a grade,

But, you know, you're supposed
to read it also.

- what do you think of jackie?

- you think she's hot,
don't you?

- i haven't thought about it.

But now that i have,
yeah, she's smoking.

- you're old enough
to be her father.

- well, sure, i could be,
but i'm not.

And i have no interest
in making sweet love to her

Aside from the general interest
that all men have

In making sweet love
to all women.

- you know, i don't think
you can be your t.a. anymore.

- i understand.
- you do?

- you find me irresistible.

- [chuckles]
that's close.

I find you irritating.

- careful.
that's how it starts.

The mother
of my problem child

Would say
the exact same thing.

Seriously. watch it.

- has a woman ever
punched you in the face?

- you know what?
you should use me.

- really?
- mm-hmm.

- mm-hmm.
i should use you.

I'm--i'm frightened.

- as consultant in your search
for worthy companionship.

- i, hank moody,
and a prime example

Of how the male noggin works.

You know, say you're out
on a date with some dick,

He does something
you can't quite decipher,

You call me up,

I'll tell you what it meant.

- thanks, dick.
that's a great idea.

I'm gonna think about it
while i'm peeing.

- tinkle, tinkle.

[knock at door]

- professor moody,

Uh, can i have a word?

- i suppose so,
but i was thinking

Of ducking out
and catching a movie.

But i guess not.

Office hours and whatnot.

Come in. have a seat.

Call me hank.

- thank you, hank.

- i changed my mind.

Call me professor moody.

I'm just fucking with you.

Not really.

What do you want?

- look, i need to know...

If i'm a writer.

- mm.

Jesus christ, kid.

Who am i to tell you that?

- well, you're my teacher.

I respect you, and i think
you're an awesome writer.

- thank you.
- i've read all your books.

Cover to cover.

I love your picture
on the back, by the way.

It's very handsome.

- thank...you.

- you're the mentor, you know?
in my story?

The young vampire
has a crush on the old one.

It's you. it's a metaphor.

- i'm the old vampire.
fantastic.

- come on, hank--
professor moody.

Brutal truth.

I can take it.

- brutal truth, huh?

- mm-hmm. absolutely.

- your story was bad.

It was terrible, in fact.

it was like that lame
twilight bullshit.

I have no patience
for that crap.

It's not writing.
it's like bound toilet paper.

Now i'm not saying
you won't get better

If you keep writing,
because you will.

No question.

But i am saying
that if you can do anything else

With your life right now,

Anything at all,

I think maybe
you should do that.

'cause the world doesn't need
anymore lame vampire fiction.

You know what i'm saying?

You with me, amigo?

- i think so.

- brutal truth, right?

- uh, right.

- teaching's not so hard.

I feel bad.
he was clearly crushing on me.

Maybe i led him on.

- hmm? how so?

- i don't know.
maybe i was sending out signals.

Fuck. maybe i'm gay.

- hank, please.

We're all gay.

- what the? what the?

- i'm serious.

- yeah, i know,
and it scares me.

- all right,
let me put it this way.

If you and i were trapped
together on a desert island--

- i don't like
where this is going already.

- it would only be
a matter of time

Before i was putting it
in your pooper.

- hey, i may be easy,

But i am not sleazy.

Besides, i don't really
see myself as a bottom.

- fine.
you put it in my pooper.

- my fist, maybe.

- whatever floats your boat.

My point being,
we're just animals.

- perhaps, but this animal

Prefers the warm,
cozy confines

Of the female vagina.

- but faced with a severe
vaginal drought,

Men will be men.

Boys will do boys.

- you've given this a fair
amount of thought, haven't you?

- it's like when
you were a kid, okay?

You know what i'm saying?

- no, i do not.

- we've all got a gay experience
or two in our back pockets.

- oh, okay. all right.

Now--now i see
where you're going.

Okay. what's yours?

- oh, oh, no, no, no.
you first.

- no way.
bald before beauty.

- all right.
you know? fine. okay.

So when i was growing up,

My best friend
was mike metz.

- uh-huh. mike metz.

- okay, sometimes
we would undress,

We'd lay down on the bed,

And just, you know,
touch each other's bodies.

It wasn't gay.
- sure.

- it wasn't even sexual.
- mm-hmm.

- it was, you know,
very loving, act--

It was just an expression
of our friendship.

- mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- that's all.

- well, that's interesting,
because you and i are friends,

And yet you've never asked me

To get undressed
and touch your body.

- so what's yours, big boy?

You tricked me, didn't you?

You miserable fucking bastard.

You keep that one
close to your vest, okay?

- of course.
of course.

- oh, jesus.

You're gonna rape me,
aren't you?

- oh, you bet your sweet ass,
rich white lady.

- i'm not rich!

- bullshit!
you own salon.

Don't lie to me.

- oh, my god.

Put that thing away.

That big, thick,
purple thing!

- that's right.
you better recognize.

This here's a one-eyed,
one-horned,

Flying, purple,
white-woman eater.

- oh!

- and i'm gonna split you
like wet pine.

- oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
- [grunts]

- no means no, you know?
- charlie!

- this the surprise
you were talking about?

- what the fuck are you doing?

- what does it look like
i'm doing?

I'm saving you.
- saving me? i'm fine!

- no, you're not fine.

You're being raped.

- i am not!

- you were too.

- we're playing a game.

- a game?

What kind of game?

Some kind of sick, twisted,
plantation-days kind of thing?

- hey.

Watch it, motherfucker.

- it was a fantasy, charlie.

- a fantasy?

- a rape fantasy.

- a rape fanta--?

That is just sick, marcy.

- sick?

I'm sick?

After all the twisted,
depraved shit

I've seen you do?

Don't you dare
judge me, motherfucker.

- oh, god.

I think i'm gonna puke.

- good!

- dean koons wants to see you.

- [coughs]
hit?

- i'm good.

- hey, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- for what?

- i heard
you wanted to see me,

Which could only mean
you wanted to congratulate me

For the kickass job
i've been doing,

So i just wanted to say
you're welcome.

It's been my pleasure.

- this is no time
to be glib, hank.

- how can you be sure?

- i'll handle this, stacy.

There's been an incident.

- okay, well, look.

"niggardly"
is not a racial slur.

And in fact, one might say
that y'all have been niggardly

when it comes to financial
compensation pour moi.

I'm just saying.

- are you done handling this?

Because we are dealing

With an idiot man-child here.

- "oh, me love her too much.

"me pet her too hard.

She no wake up."

[groaning]

- a student of yours tried
to commit suicide last night.

- shitness. wow. who?

- chris smith.

- chris smith?

Chris smith.

Ah, he's not one of mine.
thank god.

- no, his friends
call him balt.

- balt?
fuck, i know that dude.

- did he seem
despondent at all?

- more importantly,
his roommate said

He had just returned
from a meeting with you.

- he did stop by...
my office-es.

- well, what was discussed?

- life...love...
vampires and shit.

- we're not
attacking you, hank.

We're just trying to work out
what happened.

- feels like you're attacking.

- it's pretty clear
what happened.

- stop being
so condescending, stacy.

- look, why don't you just

Tender your resignation
right now.

Spare us the trouble
of an investigation.

- you want to handle this,
stacy?

Fine. go right ahead.

Just leave me out of it.

- someone's sleeping
on the couch tonight.

Good jelly beans.

- look, hank,

I know you're not exactly

What anyone would call
an education professional.

Or a professional of any kind,
for that matter.

But my wife went out
on a limb for you.

She loves becca.

She thought it would be nice
if her father

Was gainfully employed.

- [imitates popeye]
ah gah gah gah gah gah!

- that being said--
- gah gah gah!

- that's an antique.

If i find out
that you said or did anything

To push that poor kid
over the edge,

I'm gonna make it my life's work

To make sure
you never step foot

On this campus again.

Do you understand me?

Do i have your ear, hank?

- you have
beautiful, blue eyes.

- are you high?

- i gotta run.
talk to you later.

- [sighs]

- all work and no ass-play
makes chuck a dull boy.

- just trying
to earn my keep, sue.

- what do you say the two of us
knock off early, huh?

Slip out of this
business casual,

Nude-up in my "jacooze",

See what kind of sodomy laws
we can break?

- sounds like the height
of decadence, sue.

But i should probably
get through this slush pile.

Who knows? i might even
find something good.

- who knows?

You might find something better

In my punani.

- yeah.

Warren beatty's
lost rolex, maybe.

- [laughs]

Oh, you are a dirty dog.

I like your style, runkle.

- hey, can i ask you
a question, sue?

- the answer's yes.

I would love a face-ride.

- seriously,

Do women ever fantasize

About...being raped?

- are you trying to get me wet?

- i don't think so.
- yes, charlie.

Women fantasize about rape.

- really?
- mm-hmm.

And my own features
a handsome stranger.

think jack, circa
the postman always rings twice,

Sneaking into my bedroom
and taking me in my sleep.

He pulls down my panties.

He enters slowly.

Slips right in.

Oh, jack.
the pussy never lies.

Remember that, runkle.

I kick, i scream,
but it's too late.

I mean,
the juices are flowing.

The train
has left the station.

We are headed for a big,
fat, rocky orgasm.

Oh, sweet jesus, guide me.

Are you trying to tell me
something, runkle?

Are you thinking
about some role playing?

Because you name the game,

I'll play the part.

And i'm good at it.

I used to run lines
with margot kidder.

Before she went apeshit.

Try me sometime.

- [clears throat]

- wow. look who's here.

What's up, asshole?

- that's no way to address
your teacher, young lady.

- is that what you are?
a teacher?

I was thinking more like
a destroyer of hopes and dreams.

- is he gonna be okay?

- maybe if you put

Your fuckin' cigarette out.

He's fine.

He got depressed

And he drank all the cold
medicine he could find.

He's such a fuckin' queen.

- you came.

- 'course i did, buddy.

How you doing?

- i hate myself,
and i want to fucking die.

- oh, been there.

- i doubt it.

What could you possibly know

About being
a fucked-up gay kid?

- we're all...gay.

In--in some form or another.

We've all had a gay experience
in our past or two.

- you too?

- oh, hells yeah.

- tell me about it.

- well, when i was a--
when i was a kid,

Barely a teenager,

My best friend and i,
mike metz,

Yeah, we would, uh,
we'd get undressed....

- d-don't stop.

- right.
and, um, you know,

We would--we would
lay in bed together...

Naked, um,

Touching each other's...

Naked bodies.

You know, just--
and--and it wasn't, like,

Uh, sexual or gay,

But just more of a...

More of an expression
of our profound friendship.

- see, i don't know.

It sounds
pretty fucking gay to me.

- it does sound gay.

You know what?

I'm sorry if i bummed you out.

But you got to cut me
some slack here.

I'm pretty new
to this teaching thing.

I don't know
what the fuck i'm doing.

You know what i dug
about your story?

There was one line i loved.

Um, "the twilight
of his eternal youth."

Really dug that.
stuck in my head.

- i polished that one
for a while, actually.

- mm. polish it.

- well, shit.
i gotta get to work.

You think you could
stay with him for a little bit?

- oh, no, i have, uh--

I got to--
i got to run too, so...

Yeah, i can.

- no. you know what
you can do for me?

- what?

- give her a ride.

She took the bus
all the way here.

God knows
she's too hot for that.

I wouldn't want her
getting raped on my account.

- that would be
most unfortunate.

- come with me.
my rape-proof chariot awaits.

Later, pale skin.

I hope you feel better.

Keep scribbling.

- no kiss goodnight?
- oh.

- bye, honey.

[sensuous music]

? ?

- huh?! charlie!

What the fuck are you doing?

- what does it look like
i'm doing?

I'm raping you.

- get off me,
you fucking asshole!

- do you love it?

- no! stop it now!

- because i love it.

This is so not consensual.

[punch]
- oh! ow! ow.

Ow. ow.

Ow.

Fuck.

- what are you thinking?

- guess i thought it was
something you might enjoy.

You know, and maybe
in the middle you'd be like,

"god, i really do love
this schmuck."

- you thought that
in the middle of raping me

I'd realize how much
i love you?!

- something like that.

Yeah. but it sounded
a lot better the way i said it.

And, just to be fair,
you know,

it was a rape fantasy.

- for you, maybe.

- okay.

Well, i'm sorry
for the misunderstanding.

My bad.

Sorry. these are yours.

[sighs]

[rock music]

? ?

- this is where you work?

- yup.

- but you just work
the front desk

Or you're the cashier
or something like that, right?

- something like that.

- interesting.

- you want to come inside?

Maybe wet your whistle?

- would that involve
seeing you naked?

- oh, most definitely.

- then, no offense,
but i think not.

In the interest of
student-teacher relations.

- wow. look at you
with the moral rectitude.

I'm impressed.

- i know. me too.

- thanks for the ride, prof.

- any time.

Well, you know,
not--not any time.

I don't think this is the best
habit to get into.

- you were right, you know?

He's a shitty writer.

Someone had to tell him.

You know,
parents tell their kids

They can be anything
they want when they grow up.

But it's not true.

Not for everyone.

Sometimes that can fuck you up

A lot more than
someone telling you

You can't do a goddamn thing.

Besides, you can't really
teach writing, can you?

- you're a smart kid.
you know that?

- damn straight.

All right, i got to go shake
my money-makers.

- okay.
- have a good night.

- you have a good night too.

I hope you get, uh,
lots of singles...i guess.

Or fives, or...
- all right.

- benjamins? i don't know.

- bye.
- bye.

Hey, where are you going,
short stuff?

- out.
- out, you say?

Out where?

- just out.

- just out?

I'm not familiar
with that area.

- the promenade.
i'm meeting chelsea.

- oh, not so fast.
how you gonna get there?

- i don't know.
i'll walk or take the bus.

- did you even think to ask?

- i didn't think you'd care.

- well, sorry, honey.
looks like i do.

- okay, good to know.

So can i go?
- no.

Why don't you stay in
with me tonight?

You know, we'll--
we'll watch a movie.

Pop some corn.

The promenade
will always be there.

Unfortunately.

- yeah,
sounds like a good time,

But i think i'd rather go out.

- well, i--i think i'd rather
have you stay home.

How 'bout that?

- got it. loud and clear.
so can i go?

- asked and answered, becca.
- why?

- because i said so.
- because you said so?

- because i said so.
- jesus.

- who are you texting?
- chelsea.

To tell her you're being
a total dick right now.

- what is going on with you?

When did you become
such a little snot?

That is not funny, becca.

- it's funny to me.

[glass shatters]

- i fucking hate you!

- yeah,
and i fuckin' hate you too,

You little shit.

[door slams]