Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - California Son - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

Most recently I gave man birth
to a weighty tome

called "God hates us all,"
which was turned

into a movie called "A crazy
little thing called love."

You started when you cheated on me.

- Cheating isn't just about fucking.
- Are you trying to make me throw up?

Happy endings may get a bad rap,
but they happen.

It is possible one day you
and mom could get back together?

Anything's possible.

Get on with your life and forget about
the woman you didn't want to marry.

Hi, sis. What's up?



The white zone
is for the immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

- Pop!
- Hey, kiddo. on time, as always.

Sorry, I had a late shoot last night.
How was the flight?

Bumpy as fuck,
but the cocktails helped.

So did business class,
thank you very much.

A guy could get used to
that kind of thing.

Not only is it a better meal,
it's a better class of stewardess.

You should have seen the one I had.
Sweet jesus, guide me.

I think they call them
"flight attendants" now.

She had tits out to here, legs for days,
an ass like a 10-year-old boy.

Goddamn. That's pretty.

- What kind of flower is that?
- That's a...

purple flower.



Nobody likes a smartass.

I don't have a fucking clue,
which never seems to stop you

from asking me
every other goddamn time.

Watch your mouth.

It's kind of crazy for me lately.

I don't have time to stop
and smell the flowers

and then look up
their proper names online.

- You find any time to get married?
- No. still living in sin.

- Your poor mother.
- She's dead, pop.

I know. She's probably doing somersaults
in her grave right now.

What do you think?

It's pretty fancy, kid.

Sure you can afford it?

Don't sweat it. I'll be fine.

If you say so.

Okay, so who do I have to fuck
to get a cocktail around here?

So, what are your thoughts on rehab?

Rehab is for quitters.

Come on. Come on!

- I don't know your name.
- You haven't asked.

Let's not stand on ceremony.

Trixie.

That is a terrific name...
if you're a hooker.

What makes you think
I'm not a hooker?

For one, you're far too beautiful.

And secondly,

even if you were
a street-walking cheetah,

I would get you
to give it to me gratis.

- Oh, you think so?
- I have never paid for sex in my life.

I doubt that.

Speak of the she-devil.

We're trying to determine
if she is a professional sex worker.

How nice for you both.

- I need you to come with me.
- And I need to use the restroom.

You do that.
Chicks with small bladders are hot.

- Thanks.
- To be continued.

- So, your sister called.
- Well, I figured she would.

I'm so sorry.

Well, I don't know
what to do with that exactly,

but thank you, I guess.

- Do you want to get out of here?
- Yeah. Where?

- Home.
- Oh, home.

That sounds nice.

But where is that exactly, home?

Your home? My home? our home?

I got you a ticket.

I hope it's fully refundable
'cause I ain't going.

You're not going
to your dad's funeral?

He was a fucking asshole.

You don't mean that.

Don't tell me what I mean.
Don't try to mother me.

Half the time you act like you don't
give a shit. Now you care?

I've always cared.

It's easy to say.

Sir Trix-a-lot.

- Want to get out of here?
- Sure. meter's running.

The meter's running.

- What should we name him?
- I know, let's call him "love."

A crazy little thing called love.

Cut! That was fucking cash!

- Carr, what the fuck?
- "What the fuck" what?

I think my rectum just prolapsed.
What's with the fucking dialogue?

They rewrote it in the trailer.
He thought we could end on the kiss.

- What do you think?
- I think the man is money

and we should listen
to whatever the fuck he says.

If he wants to tuck his magical
movie-star cock

and do the pee-pee dance,
I'd shoot it too.

And I would die to see it.

But you're turning
my movie into a piece of shit.

Your book, my movie.

Don't be a backseat director, Moody.

All due respect, Sir,
but your boy is exhausting.

Tell me about it.
Drove us all batshit growing up.

That was fantastic, guys.

I hate that runty little motherfucker.

I don't know, seemed like a nice enough
guy to me. Very charismatic.

I liked him in that vietnam movie.
He played a good cripple.

When in hell is overcrowded
and the devil himself walks the Earth,

don't you think
he'll be playing cripples

to charm a greater number of them?

- I'm proud of you, kid.
- Why?

Why?
This is the American dream right here.

Your name's gonna be up
on the screen.

- You'll be immortal.
- I've written a couple books, too.

- They'll be around long after I'm gone.
- That's not the same.

- You haven't read them.
- Your mother filled me in.

- Too many words for me.
- A good writer: James Patterson.

I read one of his books on the plane.

Amber, hi. How are you?

Good.

This is Amber. She's in the film.
Amber, this is my old man.

- So nice to meet you.
- The moodiest of the Moodys.

I see the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

- Come see me? I've got some thoughts.
- Okay, 2 mins?

Oh, I've got some thoughts, too...

some thoughts that are making it
just a little bit crowded in my pants.

- What's the story, morning glory?
- Settle down.

I'm a happily non-married man.

I always wanted to do that.
Fuck, that's good. Funny.

Good for you.

Who says America
isn't the land of opportunity?

Another $10 dream come true.

- It's gonna cost you a little more...
- Stop that!

Maybe I should do one off your rib cage.

As you wish.

So, what are you running from?

Please. No one holes up in a hotel room

with a hooker and some blow
without being on the run from something.

Stop joking about the hooker stuff.

You're making me paranoid.

Maybe it's the blow.

- I'm not joking.
- Yes, you are.

- No.
- Oh, come on.

Really? Let me get this straight,
your names is... Trixie.

and you are in fact a whore?

My name is Beatrice. My parents thought
it would be cute to call me "Trixie."

- They still think it's cute?
- They're dead.

Here's a thought. Why don't...

I do you this time,
and then we call it even?

Do what you want, but you're still
gonna get a bill for services rendered.

What about the blow? I paid
for the blow and you partook.

- Doesn't that get me a discount?
- Sorry, sweetie.

What about the sex itself?
Was that...

I mean, how...

I'd be lying if I didn't say there were
moments I thought to myself,

whore isn't such a bad way
to earn a living.

Why don't we just call it
"casual sex between consenting adults"?

Why don't you just pay me,
and I'll be on my way?

Because then I'd miss you.

You can't snort a line of coke
off a woman's ass

and not wonder about her dreams.
It's not gentlemanly.

If you keep me on the clock, I tell you
what I wanted to be when I grew up.

You take diner's club?

I'm not kidding. I don't...

I don't have any cash.

You don't have any cash?

I got the one.

How's the world's
sexiest architect doing?

Grandpa!

Sorry my love. Your mother
happens to be a world-class beauty.

Too good for this mutt
father of yours.

I'm remodeling a place in Venice.

And the client wants it all green.

Painted green?

Who is he? The Jolly Green Giant?

You have no idea
how close you are to the truth.

You should meet this guy.
He's a total dial tone.

Just a...

Give me a break.
You know, He's paying me very well.

Okay? I mean, he's got great taste,

and he's not an earth-hater.
What's not to like?

Maybe the fact that he seems
to have a huge crush on you.

- Please. Give me a break.
- Becca agrees with me. Right, Bec?

He does get a little goofy
around you, mom.

See? He gets goofy around you, mom.

What about all those
actresses on your set?

- Come on, I don't love them.
- I think I met one of those today.

You better be careful, Karen.
This one was sex on a stick.

No, no, I didn't think
she was that attractive.

I thought she was more
of an eyesore.

Are you kidding?
The way she hugged you?

It almost triggered my angina.

Well-played, pop.
Come again soon, please.

What's an angina?

Do I have one of those?

No, sweetie.

You wanna come to the zoo
with us tomorrow, grandpa?

Would that I could, my love,
but I have to go to San Diego

to see an old friend.

Do you want to come with us, dad?

I'm sorry, baby.
I've got to work. I can't.

That's why you're here?

Come on, don't be
such a whiny little bitch, Hank.

Once again, my apologies, miss.

He is sometimes--
a whiny little bitch.

- Rebecca, that's not funny.
- That's really not funny.

That little fuzz coming
from your bottom lip.

Are you gonna be
a trumpet player or something?

Yeah, I'm gonna be
a trumpet player.

- Breathe. count to ten.
- It just pisses me off!

Becca wants to spend time
with the guy, and he's gotta go

run off and visit some old cooze

he was banging on the side
30 years ago.

- What?
- Come on.

- Why do you even care anymore?
- Because it's exactly the type of shit

that put my mother
into an early grave, that's why.

Hank, he's old man.
Give the guy a break.

Whatever wrongs he's committed,
just put them to one side.

You won't change it now.

The guy probably has 3 erections left.
You should let him enjoy them.

That fucker is the horniest man
I've ever met!

He'll be pitching a tent
on his deathbed.

Why are you so pissed at him
for not spending time with his family?

- You never do.
- Do not turn this around on me.

Hank, I know you're busy.
It comes with the territory.

But I have not had a conversation
with you for like 3 months!

You don't give a shit anymore.

Your head so far up your own ass,
and you don't even know it.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

I think you're right.

You say that 'cause
you feel sorry for me.

Okay, here's the plan.

As soon as I finish the movie, we jam
the car and go back to New York.

- How can you be so self-absorbed?
- What?

We came here for you, right?
I had nothing here.

And now that I've started
to make things work for me

and I'm earning a living,
it just means nothing to you.

- You redesign houses for assholes.
- How is that any different

- from redesigning scripts for assholes?
- It's not. that's my point.

We gotta get out of here
before the city destroys us both.

You know, it's really not the city.

Come on, tiny dancer.
Is that the best you got?

- Not the face, he's too cute.?- Thank...

Your pimp hand is strong.

Well-played, son.

That's not funny.

You okay? All right,
what are we talking about here?

Make me an offer,
I'll counter the shit out of it.

We will handle this like the proud,
beautiful black men we are.

- I need something for the valet.
- Both our pimps are here.

- Mine gets 10%. What does yours get?
- 10% of what exactly?

See you later, sweetie.

A veterinarian.

What?

I always wanted to be
a veterinarian when I grew up.

You know, it's never too late.

Good night.

Okay, big boy.

Here we go. You just cry it out.

- It hurts.?- I know it hurts.

You're fucking hurting me.

- I'm sorry.?- You're hurting my ears.

Why are you crying?

I'm sorry about your old man.
He was a good guy.

He wasn't. He used to say
you look like a walking penis.

- Well, that's not very nice.?- It's not.

All right, come on.
We got to get you on a plane.

- Fuck that.?- No, fuck you.

You're going on a plane to JFK tonight.
You're gonna be with your sisters.

You deal with this shit.
You don't run from it.

Don't tell me what to feel.

All my fucking life, people have been
telling me I do things wrong.

I'm always the fucking asshole.
I look around and I see everybody else

is infinitely more fucked up than I am.

I don't know those people.

It could be the blow.

Married or not,

that's a hell of a family
you got there, kiddo.

I like to think so.

- Can I give you a bit of advice?
- Do I have a choice?

I know things are crazy
for you right now...

I've been there, in my own way.

Just don't go so far that you
cannot find your way back.

That's all I'm saying. Keep them close.

Family comes first.

That borders on hysterical,
coming from you and all.

What, I was so bad? Your mother and I
were together till the bitter end.

Bitter, it was.

You're not gonna sit there and pretend
to be noble about this shit.

If you've got something
on your mind, out with it.

You were always fucking someone else.

Your mother and I
had a lot of problems.

We were married young,

and we were not compatible in that way.

- You know what I mean?
- I think I do, and I'd like somebody

to fucking smack me over the head
with a shovel right now. Anyone.

I'm not proud of certain things I do,
but if I had to do it all over again,

- I'm not sure I'd go at it differently.
- Why do you say that?

Because there's not a woman that I've
met that I haven't fallen in love with,

whether it was
for 10 minutes or 10 years.

What would have been better?
A lifetime of denying that?

Your mother was into all that
catholic guilt shit, not me.

Life's too short
to dance with fat chicks.

Let me get this straight. Here,
the lesson is keep the family together

and fuck around on the side if your wife
doesn't wanna blow you anymore.

You watch it. I'm not so old
that I won't kick the shit out of you.

- I remember that shit, too.
- So now I beat you?

The problem is your generation
think raising a hand to a kid

is the same as child abuse.

I don't have it in front of me, but
I think it's the textbook definition.

Always the smartass. It's your life!
Yours to screw up

if you want to.

I was here a year ago.
You were much happier then...

And even happier
the year before that.

You're not going
in the right direction.

I swear to fucking God, Karen,
I am not sleeping with anyone else.

Well, you're certainly
not sleeping with me.

How is that my fault?

Every time I get remotely close to you,
you run halfway across the room.

No, I don't. Anyway,
that didn't used to stop you.

You know what the weirdest thing is?

I wish you were having an affair
because then I'd stop looking for clues.

I would never do that to you.

You say that.

That's just 'cause that's
your fucking romantic ideal,

- but the truth is, you think about it.
- Yes, I think about it. who doesn't?

I never did!

Never did?

Past tense,
that's a little unsettling.

You should live with someone
who everyday reminds you

how fucking lucky you are
to be with them!

- God damn it, that is not how I feel.
- That is how you act.

Well, fuck, Karen! It's life, then.

I guess it's hard sometimes.
You're gonna have to deal with it.

I am trying to deal with it!

That's why I'm talking to you
right now!

Hank, we need to go see someone.

I am not going to a fucking shrink!

I'm a writer!
I don't give that shit away.

- We're better than that.
- We're better than that?

Because it feels to me like
we're fucking dying here!

We are not talking!

We are not fucking!
Nothing is happening!

And?

And I find myself wanting
to talk to other people.

Like Bill?

You fucking talking to Bill?
The Jolly Green Giant?

- I'm kidding, Karen.
- I don't even wanna go down that road.

Have you fucked him?

It's so fucking typical.

You go straight to the fucking.

You don't care if I'm talking to him,
if I tell him things...

Just answer the fucking question!

You didn't answer me.

Yes, I did.

You know me.

The talking and the fucking
go hand in hand.

- I got to get the fuck out of here.
- No. You know what?

- Allow me to do that.
- Come here.

- This isn't gonna work. It's not...
- Stop!

Let me go!

- Is it safe?
- I don't know, honey.

You might wanna...

Grab a helmet. There could be
some shrapnel flying around.

- Are you going to get a divorce?
- I think that's

the good thing about never being
married. It's impossible to divorce.

- You know what I mean.
- I know what you mean,

and I'm doing the best I can!

"To my son, the writer.

"Something I never said
too much: I love you.

"My father never said it much, either."

And I thought I'd be different,
but I guess I'm not.

I tried, but somewhere along the line,
"you slip back into what you know,

"and I'm sorry about that.

"And I'm sorry we haven't talked
in a while because I miss you.

"You're a good kid and a funny kid.

"And you're my only son.

"I said I never read your books,
but I lied.

"I read them all.

"I just didn't know how
to talk about them with you.

"I didn't like the fathers in them.

"I know you writers take liberties,

"but I was afraid that maybe
you didn't take any at all.

"But the thing is boys become men,
and men become husbands and fathers,

"and we do the best we can.

"You're doing the best you can.

"You've done good.

"Your books will be in libraries
long after we're both gone,

"and this is important.

"More important
is how you treat your family.

"I wasn't a perfect husband,
but I loved your mother,

"and I'm glad
we spent our lives together.

"And I'm here if you need me.

"That's all I wanted to say.

"Love, your old man."

"P.S.: I saw a preview
of your movie the other night.

"It looks like a piece of shit,"

"maybe you were right."

The white zone
is for the immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

So, we'll be right behind you.

The moment Becca gets out of school,
we'll get a flight.

I love you.

I...

I didn't say it to hear it back.

Thanks for helping me...

Get my head out of my ass.

It's what I do.

- You know what this is called.
- Yeah, it's Jacaranda tree.