Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Girls, Interrupted - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen Todd Carr...

Who took my precious little
novel, wiped his ass,

and transformed it into
this "Crazy little thing called love"

- Holy fucknuts!
- Shit!

What, don't you fucking knock?

You used to be all about the morning sex.
What's going on with you?

- Anybody home?
- Hey, baby!

Good afternoon, Mrs. Runkle.

- What do you want me to do?
- Maybe you want me to...

make you wear a ball gag
in your mouth.

- You have to come get me.
- No, I can't do it. I'm a little busy right now.



Asshole. My teacher is coked out,
he's trying to get me into a threesome.

You wannna go to the movies with us, Dad?

It turns out that was
bald old uncle Charlie,

and he's going through a rough patch.

Uncle Charlie, uh?

- You cried wolf.
- Maybe I just wanted to see you.

You're not in love with me, Hank.

You're in love with the idea of love.

You're running for the hills.

Okay, this is exciting.
I'm ready. I'm all ears.

"Nothing gold can stay."

- "Nature's first green... "
- Stop! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

You had 20 centuries of halfway
decent verse to choose from

and you're going with some minor Frosty?



I like it.

- It's short.
- And?

Bleak.

And?

I saw it in a movie once.

Well, then, it must be good. continue.

Well, basically it's about
how nothing good ever lasts,

How, no matter what you do,
it all just turns to shit in the end...

You know, like you and mom.

Trenchant if profane literary criticism.
It's an interesting take.

I will put that one on your tab,
by the way.

But don't ever think that, honey.
Just because something is bleak doesn't...

- necessarily make it true.
- Hair.

Happy endings may get a bad rap,
but they do happen.

And when they do, they're just
as true as the unhappy ones.

So you're saying it's possible maybe one day
you and mom could get back together?

- Of course. Anything's possible.
- Yes, but is it realistic

Who says we have to be realistic?

Mom.

Not to contradict your dear old mom,
who's both wicked smart and wonderful,

but, no, we don't have to be...
realistic,

that is not when it comes to love.

Oh, Jeez. Is that Yusuf?

Guess that's her.

Got to change
what I'm feeding that dog... or you.

Hello, sunshine.

I'm double-parked,
so I just got to grab her.

Oh I mean to skip the pleasantries.
But can you do me a favor and stop

telling our daughter not to believe
in happy endings?

What's next... no Santa Claus?

You gonna shit all over
the Easter bunny, too?

Oh, you Know, I don't think she figured out
the Santa Claus thing already,

and I do believe in happy endings,

just not when it comes
to the ballad of Hank and Karen.

Bullshit. We practically made out last
week. That's nothing if not progress.

- I hope to get to second base this week.
- Oh, please. that was an accident.

- An accident?
- How your tongue

- slipped into my mouth?
- No, other way around.

and the fact that you're...
you're making these lame excuses up

can only mean one thing...
you're totally into me still.

Oh, really?

Totally.

- Come on, honey.
- Goodbye, sweetie.

Hey. Stay gold, ponyboy.

There is no fucking soy milk!

Will you nut up
and learn to digest dairy?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing a brand-new
gastrointestinal tract wouldn't fix.

Bullshit. Here.

It's not vanilla, but you
can punish me for that later.

I'll dust off the whips and chains.

ah, ah, ah

Very funny.

Seriously. I've been
a very naughty hausfrau.

You almost died from malnutrition.

These jokes are never
gonna get old, are they?

What is a marriage,
if not an opportunity

to mock someone through thick and thin
while simultaneously exploring

your deepest, darkest sexual desires?

Yeah, well, uh, what say one day soon
we lay off mine and start discussing yours?

- Like you could handle that.
- Oh, Oh, do you want to try me?

I want to do it with a girl.

So, uh,

What? this is something you, uh,
feel you might... enjoy?

Yeah, sure. I hear it's nice, you know?

Getting a little work done by someone
who owns her own set of tools.

But I wouldn't want to leave you out.
It seems more...

I don't know, honest that way.

Honest... Right.

Don't you see what this means?

This is a gift from on high.

This is a cosmic
"get out of jail free" card.

The whole thing was her idea.

I'm trying to mentally
masturbate about it,

but an image of you keeps popping.
That's a problem.

No, see, if I do this...
if we do this thing,

then all this guilt I've been
carrying around for weeks...

The massive, crushing guilt...
poof, that is gone.

I am absolved.

I know you Hebrews do things
a little differently,

but last I checked,
a menage а trois

was not a pit stop
on the road to redemption.

This could save the marriage.

So can buying a beach house.

Or you could try adopting
an incredibly good-looking African baby.

- I hear good things about that.
- Speaking of...

You got to be fucking kidding me.
That cocksucker?

That cocksucker has the taste
to want to option your blog

- for a nice chunk of change, so play nice.
- How the fuck you option a blog?

What is there to option?
The title? The font?

Todd! Good to see you, man.

Glad you could make it.

Moody

Carr

I would stand, but that would expose
my nether-regions to attack.

I got no beef with you, Moody.
I'm here on business.

So I'm told
by the Alfredo Corleone of agents.

Although I can't, for the life of me, imagine
what that business might be,

unless it's to discuss custody
of our retarded love child.

Let the man talk, will you?

Todd has a three-picture
deal at Paramount.

He's looking to get his sack back
with some seriously edgy material.

I'm sorry, but my testicles
are not available for time-share.

- I told you, this was a waste of my fucking time.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on, it's just...

Do you know how much shit I had to take
for directing a frothy little rom com?

You think Antoine Fuqua
returns my calls?

But I did it.

I knocked that motherfucker
into the cheap seats.

And I'm glad I did it. Do you know why?

Because it keeps the baby mamas
in juicy couture?

No, hey, I'm not hating.

I'm not judging.
I got a little baby mama all my own.

It's true. He does.
I'm sensing some common ground here.

Do you remember Karen?

Yeah, she was way
too fucking hot for this mope.

Ttrue. She is.

She also happens to be one
fan-fucking-tastic architect.

Is someone looking to pimp out
the McMansion in Baldwin Wills?

I own a Ray fucking Kappe house.

Ray fucking Kappe house

No shit. Guy has a hard-on for
architecture bigger than Brad Pitt's.

- Oh, Color Me Impressed.
- What, a brother can't love modernism?

I like this

I like this.
uh, you know, We're free-associating here.

This is Nice. The lines of communication...
wide open. Excellent.

Do you know why I wanted to
work with you again, Moody?

Because when you're not wallowing
in narcissistic despair,

you're the rarest thing
this town has to offer...

Someone with some goddamn vision.

I thought it was 'cause you liked
the feel of my balls on your knuckles.

Later, Runkle.

Well done, my friend.

I don't know. I feel like we bonded.

Who the fuck is answering
my fucking phones if there's...

Baby, where have you been?
I had a burst of inspiration.

- Come here, you.
- Hello.

So I was talking to Dani here
about our sexual problem.

- Our what?
- She's totally in.

- Excuse me?
- Her, me, you.

We had a little girl-to-girl
chat on the subject,

and she agrees with me
about the toolbox thing.

Oh, shit.

I said "tool."

and "box."

Ok

Uh, Dani, could you give us just a second, please?

I believe my wife forgot to take
her Librium this morning.

No problem, Sir.

So, hold all your calls?

- Yes, Dani, hold all my calls.
- Very good, Sir.

Wife, have you lost
your fucking mind?

This is perfect.
It's exactly what we talked about.

Yeah, talked... as in
hypothetical conversation.

That's my fucking secretary!

So?

So, if it goes badly,
I'll have to fire her.

Shit, if it goes well,
I'd have to fire her.

Either way, I'm out one fucking
secretary and up a giant lawsuit.

I thought you said she was god-awful?

They're all god-awful
until you train them. Then they improve.

What, like dogs?

Come on. You're not
gonna do this for me?

- I helped you out with your fantasy.
- Yeah, badly.

Just pick someone else, that's all.

- Like who?
- Who? I don't know... somebody, anybody.

Someone...someone from the salon or, uh...
What about Karen?

The prim reaper?

She's so tall... and Presbyterian.

- The woman's a goddess. She's gorgeous.
- I don't wanna go where Hank has been.

He probably left booby traps
up there like the Vietcong.

Come on, baby... Please?

I want the little one.
She looks like she knows things.

- Oh, my god.
- You like?

Well, yeah, of course I like.
It's a Ray Kappe house.

Ray fucking Kappe.

That's one of those guys
from architecture school

who got you all juiced up.

I thought maybe you'd like to see one
all up close and personal, right?

hey Hank, can you get back in the car?

We're gonna get tasered
by the Bel-Air patrol.

My lady.

What are you doing?

Just made a little deal
with the caramel-coated devil.

Tasering... you like that?

Is that something you're into now?

Oh, my God.

- It's fucking gorgeous, huh?
- Not a lot of closet space, though.

Hank never really got
architecture as an art form.

Too much compromise involved,
too many practicalities.

Dude would rather hang out all alone
in his ivory tower, right?

Massaging those precious
little words of his.

Like anyone gives a fuck if it's
an "and" instead of "or."

You got me all wrong.
You see, I try to live in an ivory tower,

but a tide of shit is
constantly beating at its walls.

Don't be impressed.
He stole it from Flaubert.

Ehy Carr, if you don't mind my asking,
how much a place like this set you back?

The feeling of real architecture...
You can't put a price tag on that.

- So you do mind.
- Makes your heart soar, lifts your soul.

you know what I mean.

It's just incredible.

- I think it was Ruskin who once said...
- "It was Ruskin..."

Shut up.

"Without architecture,
there would be no remembering."

- I like that. That's nice.
- Yeah, it's cool.

About 4, 5 mill?

- More?
- I'm so sorry.

Can I just say thank you so much?

It's always been a dream of mine
to see inside this house.

- I really appreciate your time.
- It's gonna be even more slick

when I have a pool out here,
a little guest house,

maybe a screening room.
And I want it all to be eco-friendly and shit

Hank says you're some kind
of genius at that.

- No, I mean...
- I was hoping you would take the job.

- What job?
- Did I forget to mention

that Carr here
is looking for an architect?

- I think my work here is done.
- Me?

What do you think?

Oh My God!

Oh. I like that.

Yuo wanna jump my bones now or hold on

for a situation
with a little more back support?

- I did good, didn't I?
- You did!

- Thank you so much. I'm so excited.
- You're welcome.

Will you take me home
so I can celebrate?

I'm up for that.
Let's hit El pollo loco.

- I mean with Becca.
- Her too.

The "crazy chicken"
does not discriminate.

All right, it's a...
Wednesday night, I forgot.

Okay, well, I can celebrate
some other time.

You will not stay home alone
on the night of your big victory.

- No, unacceptable.
- You'd swap nights with me?

Sadly, no, but I will repeat
my original offer

that all three of us
throw down the carbs together...

Man, woman, and child.
You wanted to celebrate, come on!

- Not with you.
- I want to celebrate with you.

- Invite me over.
- No.

Invite me over!
I will cook for you.

- Cook? You?
- Yes.

- I have my one dish.
- Not the "cheese sensation".

Yes, five different kinds
of cheeses,

including cream cheese,
the people's cheese.

Don't knock the haute cuisine
of Long Island.

- It'll be like old times.
- Yeah, but which ones?

The good ones, like

when we lived on Charles Street,
among the gays.

- You hated that place.
- But you loved it.

Just like you love
fucked-up architecture like this

David Hockney, gigantic fucking earrings

and the complete and utter cliche
of driving west on Mulholland at sunset.

You think I don't know
these things, but I do.

I'm in, aren't I?

I'm in.

How do I look?

Good...you look good.

You think she likes nuts?

Maybe we should offer her
some mixed nuts.

I don't know.

What? You think she's allergic?

I don't know...how the fuck should I know
something like that? I don't know.

You work with people, these things
come up in casual conversation.

"None for me, thanks.
I have a nut allergy."

I'm sorry. We don't have
that kind of relationship.

Really, I don't know very much
about this girl.

Other than you think
that she's fucking hot.

How am I supposed to respond to that?

What do you want me to say?
You want me to say, "I love you,

"this is fucking crazy.
let's not do this"?

Ehy, don't yell at me, asswipe!
I am nervous enough as it is!

- Yeah, and isn't that a sign?
- A sign of what?

That we shouldn't go through with this!
I mean, look what we have here.

This is pretty great, right?

How do we know we're gonna
be the same afterwards?

The same?

I thought the same was the problem.

What problem? there's no problem.

Do you want to get that, or should I?

Yeah. I'm gonna be there in like five...

Hello, Mia? Yes.

No, I'm sure you're in trouble.
That just... It sounds...

It sounds pretty tragic, actually.
Quite a story. Very familiar, too.

Oh, that's right. I heard it last week.

ciao

Where did you get that bra?
That is so cute, i love...

Sorry. My bad. Mood killer.

You're not gonna fist me or anything,
are you?

- because I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
- Marce!

- What?
- A little less talk might be nice.

Everybody's a fucking critic.

Put me in, coach.
I'll bring it home for you.

Do you think we should...
I don't know...

Include him somehow?

It's your fantasy.

Hello?

I'm thinking.

I mean, shit, I can sleep
with you any night of the week.

- It's not how this is supposed to be.
- It's a fantasy.

it's not supposed to be at all.

Hey. Thank god you're here.
Okay, sweetie.

- I gotta go.
- Where you going?

Mia's in some fucked-up situation
with her teacher.

She's kind of drunk or drugs,
I don't know.

- I'm gonna come with you.
- Not your problem. Stay with Becca.

You don't know this guy.
It's a sex crime waiting to happen, just hang on

25 minutes at 300, okay?
Throw that in the oven.

- Why are you going?
- Because I have to.

No, you don't. It's just Mia.

- Last I've checked you guys aren't blood-related.
- Right.

- Your mother needs backup.
- No, I don't!

Can you stay with Becca?
She's been waiting for you.

You can't handle this guy alone!

He doesn't look it, but he's dangerous.

I think he's dan... Just let me drive.

I'll drive you there.
We'll go. We'll go together.

Here.

Do with it what you will.

Or maybe...

.... you can dish it ou
but can't take it.

Is this gonna hurt?
'Cause this looks like it might hurt.

That's kind of the point, isn't it?

I mean, he's done
some pretty bad things, this guy.

He deserves to be punished for them.

Things like what?

You know, the usual.

Oh, man. I got to get my camera.

Motherfucker! Cocksucker! Shit! Fuck!

You're attached to the fucking chain!

Just don't move!
Get it off your underwear!

Finally. You guys gotta get this fucking
jailbait out of my house.

Honey, it's me. It's Karen.

Hey, hey, wake up.

You know, this isn't just alcohol.
She's taken something.

Hey, Mia. Wake up!

Hank, you came.

What the fuck's she talking about?

"You came"?

I don't know. She's confused.
keep your eyes open.

Look at me. Keep your eyes open.

Animal, what'd you give her?

You think I set a fucking date-rape drug?

Valium, for Christ's sakes. The girl's
got a goddamn rite aid in her purse.

How many did you take?

What? 5, 4?

45? 4 or 5.

See? Nobody's gonna off themselves
with 4.

It's all an act.

You know how fucking popular
this shit is with the young ladies?

Do you think it's funny?

This is someone's child here,
you asshole!

They trusted you!

You are meant to be her teacher!

You think I wanted Sylvia Plath
to come here

and go all fucking Bell Jar on me?
I'm the one getting manipulated here.

She comes up to me
after fucking debate practice...

Do you want me to smack you?

Oh, shit.

- I bet she feels a lot better now.
- Oh, no, she did not just fucking...

- I see two.
- Two what?

2 pills. Is that a 3rd one there?

Look, I assume that's sushi.
Is that a pill?

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Ah, shit, Moody!

Now I'm gonna fucking hurl.

Fuck!

Who's your primary care guy again?

How should I fucking know?

Jesus Christ, You think these people are ever
gonna get around to sewing me up?

I'm in considerable fucking pain here!

I'm sorry, okay?
I said it a thousand times.

You know I'm bad with mechanical things.

Tell that to my missing nipple.
You took off like 12 layers of skin.

I'm sorry, nipple.

Now that I've maimed you,
where am I gonna rest my head?

That was like my favorite spot.

Some fantasy, uh?

How the fuck did we end up here?

On some level,
I think you wanted to punish me.

- I think you both wanted to punish me.
- For what?

Shit, you know... Everything.
Husband stuff.

Not me, dickwad. Her!

Why the fuck
would she wanna punish you?

She barely knows you.
What the fuck does she care?

I'm her boss, ok?

I make her do
humiliating things all day.

You think she likes that?

What?

You leaned wrong.

I'm sorry.

She's an interesting girl,
though, that one.

Fantastic ass.

How is she?

Even if she's fine,

she's gonna feel like seven different kinds
of shit tomorrow, that's for sure

You gonna tell Bill?

Well, yeah. I mean, I have to, right?

Wouldn't you want to know?
if your 16-year-old daughter

was hanging out with some creepy perv
who's like twice her age?

The situation may not be
exactly as it seems.

You've got to be kidding.

- You're on the side of the perv, right?
- Always.

Somebody's gotta stand up
for the creepy common man.

You know, that should be
a lesson to you, Hank Moody.

To me? A lesson to me? Why?

- Why did you point your finger at me?
- I'm just kidding, it's okay.

You're a great dad.
You have nothing to worry about.

I mean, that's the sexiest
thing about you.

You want to say good night to Becca?

Please.

Go, then.

You know, you did need
my backup tonight.

You might have killed that guy probably
if I wasn't there, you know?

Dad?

Hey.

What are you listening to, there?
A little falling-asleep music?

Little Joni Mitchell,
Blood on the tracks?

Death cab for cutie.

wow, You really know how to hurt a guy.

I know tonight...

kind of got a little ruined.

It's okay. I'm used to it.

Yeah, well, I'll make it up to you,
I swear.

- I know.
- Do you?

Sure. You never mean to let me down.

But you do.

Yeah, I guess I do.

You know, it's all well and good
to talk about happy endings.

But if a person can't deliver,

if he keeps screwing up,

well, eventually, I guess

you kind of just have to say,
"fuck you,"

or words to that effect.

You can keep the change.