Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - LOL - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

You could have made me less moody
if you'd made me into a Moody.

I'll make you a Moody right now.

(Bill) Get on with your life

and forget about the woman
you didn't want to marry.

- Back to work.
- Yes, sir.

Anything you want to tell me
about there, captain?

Please. I'm a married man.

Hey, baby.

- My name is Hank.
- I know.

Ow!



This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is
Hank.

- Y-you two know each other?
- No.

- I am 16, you know.
- So I've been told.

- My daughter's an angel.
- Oh, you poor bastard.

I have a creative-writing course,
and I need to turn something in today.

You must have
some piece-of-shit short story

you never published
around here somewhere.

- Remember me?
- How could I forget?

I think we took things
to a whole other level.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- That's married guy. Come on.
- I didn't know he was gonna be here.

- Let her go.
- What are you talking about?

Fucker!

Oh! Oh, my God!



I'm glad you came.

♪ Doing the right thing ♪

I'm back, and you're black, which is cool.

I'm a big fan of black Jesus.

High five. Don't leave me hanging.
There you go.

(♪ Organ plays Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor)

- Can I help you, my son?
- Oh, hey, padre.

No, no, I was just trying
to check in with JZ up there.

Anything I can help you with?

Sure you don't have a grab-ass
appointment with an altar boy?

There's plenty of time for that.

Whoa.

You, uh...
You checking out my package?

You don't want to suck my cock, do you?

Do you want me to suck your cock?

Do you want me to want you
to suck my cock?

Do you want to tell me why you're here?

It's about a girl. She's beautiful.

She's smart and funny,
up for all kinds of intercourse.

- But she's not Karen.
- I didn't say that.

Karen doesn't love you, Hank.

She loves me.

With a gay priest!

Oh, fuck me.

Has anyone ever told you
you have a lot of bad dreams?

Oh, what's wrong with black Jesus

and a gay priest just looking for a
little oral to get him through his night?

(Giggles) LOL.

- What was that?
- Hm?

What'd you just say just now?

- What?
- LOL.

- Laugh Out Loud?
- Yep.

That's a part of your lexicon?

Really? LOL?

Shouldn't it be part of yours, too?

You are writing
for cyberspace, you know.

Oh, and there goes my boner.
Wave bye-bye.

What is your issue with LOL?

I don't have an issue,

Unless you count the fact
that every time you say it,

you're contributing to the death
of the English language.

So, let me get this straight.

You're gonna let the fact
that I just said LOL

get in the way of me giving you
the best BJ of your life?

Not when you put it that way.

Yeah, I'm not the biggest fan
of the term BJ either.

(Dog barking)

(Marcy) Baby, don't make me beg.

We haven't had sex since my last period.

You know how fucking horny I get.

You can have the ass if you want.

You can keep it.

Last time we tried anal
during the light of day...

not pretty, remember?

You used to be all about
the morning sex.

What's going on with you?

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.

It's just... I'm really
stressed out right now, OK?

It's work stuff, really.

I know. Pretend I'm paralysed.

What? God!

Come on. This will be fun.
You need to shoot some glue.

I'll just lay here. Do what you got to do.

L-I'll be your vessel.

Whoa! What the fuck
are you doing back there?

What? You don't like that?

No, I just...

You can't just go send probes
into unexplored territory

without any advance warning.

You know what I'm saying?

I was just trying to spice
things up a little bit.

Why? You don't think
things have been hot enough?

It was just a finger up the ass.

I could use the littler one.

I've got to get to work, OK?
I'm gonna be late.

Love you.

- (Knocking on door)
- Fuck off!

(Knocking on door)

B to the I to the double L.

What's up, my nig nog?

- I need to talk to you.
- Well, you should have called.

I wouldn't have answered,
but you could've left a message,

Which I would have quickly erased.

Uh, yeah, this isn't something
I would choose to discuss over the phone.

- This is about Mia.
- Oh.

You're aware she's in high school, correct?

Really? Uh, no.

I mean, I-I was thinking
she was older than that...

uh, college, grad school maybe,
uh, something like that.

Quit fucking around, Hank. This is serious.

Oh, shit, Bill. I'm sorry, man.

I'm really sorry, and I... you know,
this is just a fucked-up situation.

And it should have never happened,
but nobody's to blame, really.

I'm glad, in a way, that you're here,

you know, so we can get on
the same page, all right, man?

Y-your turn.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.
What are... what are you talking...

- It depends. What are you talking about?
- Are you stoned or drunk?

What am I talking about?
What am I talking about?

I don't know, half the fuckin' time,
what I'm talkin' about.

- I got to ask you a favour, Hank.
- Oh. Fuck. Well, a favour. Wow.

OK, this should be entertaining.

L-I was supposed to be the guest
speaker at Mia's school today,

- but I have to go out of town.
- Uh-huh.

And this concerns me
how exactly, Wilhelmina?

Well, I was hoping that
you might consider stepping in for me.

It's a creative-writing class,
and I was gonna talk about publishing.

You can talk about writing or not writing
or whatever works.

Yeah.

And what's in it for me?

- What do you want?
- Call off the wedding.

- Anything else?
- Hm.

Mm, that's a nice jacket.

(Bell)

You a smoker? There you go.

(Hank) All right, so, at the end of day,

if you can do anything else...
telemarketing,

pharmaceutical sales,
or ditch digging, Major League umpire...

I would suggest that you do that,
because being a writer blows.

It's like having homework every
day for the rest of your life.

- (Laughter)
- Any more questions?

Yikes. Yeah?

- Are you single?
- Of course I am. Who would have me?

- I would.
- (Laughter)

- (Bell)
- OK, girls, let's thank Hank

- for coming in on such short notice.
- (Applause)

Cigarette break, everybody.
All right, bye-bye.

Bye.

Dude, you're a fucking rock star.

Please. It's an all-girls school.

Anything with a half a cock and one ball
is gonna get a rise out of these kids.

Tell me about it. Best job I've ever had.

They're very young.

Oh, say that again... slower this time.

- God.
- My... my fleshy TA didn't hear you.

Stop. Laugh it up, funny man,
but you could go to jail for that shit.

You're acting like it's
a fucking Mommy And Me class.

These girls are right
on the cusp of their womaninity.

What else is out there for guys like us?

- Guys like us?
- I wrote a novel. Three of them, actually.

Oh, yeah?

They never came out of the drawer,
but I fucking wrote them.

I wrote the shit out of them.
So, what do I do?

Write screenplays like
the rest of the fucking herd?

Or do I fight the good fight and promote
an appreciation of great writing?

And just fuck the ones who are bored
and stupid enough to spread 'em for you?

Speaking of which,
Mia is a seriously good writer.

Yeah?

She's written a couple good short stories,
but nothing since.

But they're good.

Who knows? Maybe I'm grading
on a curve cos she gives me wood.

Not so much with
the character development.

And the prose was a little stiff.
She was trying too hard, really.

Van fuckin' Halen.

Mm. Is there another mode of egress?

Aah!

(Coughs)

- Busted.
- Oh, God, you don't understand.

- I could've been there for hours.
- Huh. Poor Hank Moody.

What's the deal with you and Mr Chipwich?

- Meaning what exactly?
- You know what I mean.

- Does he have carnal knowledge?
- Yeah, that.

- Not yet.
- Just be careful.

Says the much older man
who actually did sleep with me.

That was an accident.

Right, there you were,
just minding your own business,

walking down Abbot Kinney,
when your dick fell in me.

- Oopsie.
- What is this? Open-mike night?

Look, just be careful of him
and those of his ilk.

Hank Moody, as I live and breathe,
are you looking out for me?

Why wouldn't I? Aside from the fact that
you're mad as a hatter, you're a good kid.

(Sighs) Well, seeing as I can't seem
to get you back in the sack,

I guess I'll just have to settle for him.

I have a feeling he won't
play as hard to get.

- Out of the car.
- Mm!

- Have a nice day at school, dear.
- Bye, Hankarella.

How do I look?

Oh, sweetie, you look great.
But you know what?

It's a guitar lesson.
It's not a fashion show.

Mother, rock, fashion...
it's all one world.

- OK, Avril.
- He is cute.

- He is? I hadn't noticed.
- I look like a geek.

- (Doorbell)
- Oh!

It's OK. I'll get it.

- Well, hello, Dave.
- Ladies.

- Your shirt.
- What? You're not a fan, are you?

That would make me so sad.

- I think it's cool.
- Well, it's just, you know...

- Becca.
- Yeah.

Right. Sorry about that.

- I wasn't thinking.
- That's OK.

She's my youngest student
and my most promising.

Oh, she is? Well, that's great.

I probably have some smelly, old
thing in my car somewhere.

Or you could just turn it inside out.

You know, you could
use the bathroom on...

or not.

Um...

- Hey... Dave.
- Hey, sweetie.

- Better?
- Much.

I liked it better off, but that's just me.

(Laughs) How you doing?

- Good.
- You been practising?

(Henry) I'm here with Hank Moody,

author of celebrated underground novels

like South Of Heaven,
Seasons In The Abyss,

and most famously,
God Hates Us All.

How are you, Hank?

I'm a little under the weather,
but it's good to be here.

Some folks have compared
the wait for your new novel

to the decade-plus wait
for the new Guns N' Roses album.

Which one do you think will see
the light of day first?

Well, I certainly hope that
I beat Guns N' Roses to the punch,

because I want to get
on Oprah's book club.

I want that sticker from the book club.

I want to get on that show,
and I want to ask her...

about that scene in Beloved
where she squats and pees.

How many takes did she do?
Was she method?

In all seriousness,
your blog for Hell-A magazine

is prompting a lot of
underground water-cooler talk.

- It's great.
- Thank you, but it's really...

It's more like pissing out
of my ass than anything else.

You know, it's just...
things bother me, and I vent.

- I write it down.
- What's your latest obsession?

Just the fact that people seem
to be getting dumber and dumber.

I mean, we have
all this amazing technology,

and yet computers have turned

into basically four-figure wank machines.

The internet was supposed
to set us free, democratise us,

but all it's really given us is
Howard Dean's aborted candidacy

and 24-hour-a-day access to kiddy porn.

People... they don't write any more.
They blog.

Instead of talking, they text...

no punctuation, no grammar,
LOL this and LMFAO that.

It just seems to me that
it's just a bunch of stupid people

pseudo-communicating with a bunch
of other stupid people in a protolanguage

that resembles more what cavemen used
to speak than the King's English.

Yet, you're part of the problem.

You're out there blogging
with the best of them.

Hence my self-loathing, you know.

(Dave) Bar chords are tough. I know.

But once you master them, all the
secrets of the rock-and-roll universe

will be revealed... trust me, OK?

OK.

Uh, hold on a second.
I have something for you.

- Wait right here, OK?
- You got it.

Hey, how'd it go?

I'm sure you already know this,

but you have a really sweet kid there.

Oh, you know, you're preaching to the
choir. But thanks. It never gets old.

She's really into it, too,
which is really cool to see.

- Mm-hm.
- Makes my job a pleasure.

Well, she comes by it honestly.

Her dad is really into music,
and, uh, I was in a band once.

I'd love to hear the stories sometime.

(Chuckles)

- (Phone)
- Excuse me.

Hello? Hey, sweetie. How are you?

How was the flight? Uh-huh.

And the hotel... is it OK?

Hey, yeah, h-hold on one second.

- Where'd he go?
- Breathe, honey. It's OK. He's just outside.

I got to go. Um, Becca's just
finishing her guitar lesson.

(Mia)... music do you like?

(Dave) I am a sucker for Radiohead.

Got any exciting plans this weekend?

- I've got to rehearse with the band.
- What do you guys sound like?

It's like Radiohead. We
got a killer bassist.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- All those things.
- All those things.

What's this?

I made it for you... some songs I like.

I thought you might like them, too.

Whoa. A mix tape... CD.

No one's made me one of these
in a long time.

Thank you, sweetie.
I will treasure it always.

- Same time next week?
- Yep.

Adiós.

(Hank) Look, I don't want
to take sides here,

but I want to say,
for the record, categorically,

never, never stick a finger
up a grown man's ass without warning.

- Don't do it.
- Hi.

- Thank you.
- Write that down.

- You know what? I've been with other guys.
- Sure...

And sometimes a little ass play
is not only welcome...

- It's got its place.
But it's appreciated.

I understand, but you got to be
gentle with the brown eye.

Mr Brown Eye's a sensitive man.

Hey, hey, hey, sorry I'm late.

Found a redhead
wandering the parking lot.

- Brought her in for you.
- Sorry I'm late. Stuck in traffic.

Listening to the radio...
very entertaining.

LOL.

So, have you been telling her
what an airhead your new girlfriend is?

Uh, no, I was just about to.

I heard the interview, Hank.

Nothing like being the object
of scorn and derision on public radio.

Well, that's the point, right?

Because it's public radio.
Who's listening? So...

So, is this why
his relationships don't last?

Because the girls can't live up
to some ridiculous fucking gold standard?

What did you do today?
Did you get your hair done?

If you spent less time focusing
on other people's flaws,

you might notice that you've got
a couple of your own.

Speaking of flaws,
Dodger game, Friday night?

- I didn't say that I didn't.
- Great. You want to hear some?

- It seems like you want to tell me.
- Yeah, I do.

You drink too much, write too little,

and the only exercise you get
is in the bedroom.

You love women, but you hate yourself,

so that any woman who actually
really does like you

is ultimately deemed a fool.

And seeing as that woman
could pretty much be anyone,

this one is saying goodbye.

H-hold on just one second.

I seem to have hurt you,
and I apologise for that.

But that's not what this is about.

This is about something else.
You want to tell me what it's about?

BRB, Hank.

I will go and make sure
she doesn't kill herself this time.

And by the way, getting all aggro
about a little stinky pinky

is definitely a symptom
of a much bigger problem.

(Hank) Oh, Jeez.

I don't know what she's talking about.

Bitches.

Intruder.

- What are you doing here?
- I just pooped myself!

That was very cool...

what you did today,
talking at Mia's school.

Oh, yeah, can we please agree right now
to never send Becca there?

- OK.
- How's my girl?

I'm good. I've got a lot of work on,
but, yeah...

I was talking about Becca,
but I like where your head's at.

That's embarrassing. I just slipped
into a past life for a second.

I still get my mail there.

I love your feet.

She's got a crush on her guitar teacher.

Oh, well, that's great.

At least it's not the captain
of the fucking football team.

Is he crushworthy?

Does he bring out your inner rocker slut?

You know, he is pretty fuckin' hot, yeah.

- Should I be worried?
- Isn't that Bill's problem?

Yeah, I don't know if Bill worries enough.

Whatever.

Hey, you think I might, uh...

take Becca out
for some ice cream or something?

(Chuckles)

You could, but, you know,
you just missed her.

- She's snoozing. Sorry.
- Oh, shit.

Can I ask you something?

If you must.

In this, uh... past life of ours,
was I mean to you?

Did I ever...
did I make you feel stupid?

You weren't mean, no.

But you can be pretty hard
on people, Hank.

I wish it was different.

And so do I.

But it's not.

How is that girl
from the fund-raiser?

She is pissed at me.

- She's not.
- Yeah.

(Chuckles) She'll get over it.

- Hank?
- Yeah?

Is that Bill's jacket?

Oh, that's a long story.

I got to go. Good night, foot.

♪ All alone

♪ On the floor

♪ Next to your twin-bed
box spring and mattress

♪ The door

♪ Is ajar

♪ From afar you can hear
bands practising ♪

(Horn honks)

♪ And when you dream

♪ You dream of a day

♪ When you find something
you could love

♪ Half as much as you love ♪

♪ All your little round mirrors

♪ See yourself reflected in one

♪ There's a hole in the middle

♪ You can't seem to fill ♪

Hey.

You know, it's not fair to say BRB
and then never actually BRB?

But apology accepted.

- Come here.
- (Scoffs)

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- I, uh, needed my black skirt.
- Oh, that's understandable.

It's probably hard to be taken
seriously in a courtroom

when you're bottomless.

Though I would take you seriously.

I, uh, also wanted to give you this.

Oh, shit.

So, you're gonna blow this whole thing

over my issues with
the language of cyberspace?

What's this whole thing
you're talking about?

We drink, we fuck, we watch
old movies in your apartment, Hank.

Sounds fuckin' awesome.

You're just pissed
cos I beat you to the punch.

You were looking for any excuse to bail.

So says you.
But I guess we'll never find out.

I guess not.

He left his wife.

Oh.

OK.

That's what this was about. Fuck.

In a way, I have you to thank.

- You really did rattle his cage.
- Yeah.

Glad to be of service, milady.

(Inhales deeply)

I just... (Chuckles)

I just feel so used.

Shut up.
We were using each other, Hank.

OK.

I love how you're taking
the moral high ground here.

You know, I'm sure that
if I canvassed the West Side,

I would find more than a few girls
who feel used and abused by you.

Y-you seem to think that I have
this narrow perception of you?

But it's you with the narrow
perception of me.

I love women. I have all their albums.

Shit!

You know, I think I'd just feel
better about this thing

if I didn't think
you were re-entering

this hopelessly
dysfunctional relationship

with an aggressively mediocre white guy.

I've spent time with the man.
Time stood still.

(Chuckling) Oh.

This from someone
who's still hopelessly in love

with his ex... whatever.

Well, at least she's cool.

OK, what are you... four?

(Chuckles)

Perhaps.

I don't know.

We just missed it, Hank.

In another lifetime, we would
have been a scorching couple.

- Yeah.
- But in this one, we...

Missed it. Missed it.

All right.

Well, congratulations.

And best of luck
in all your future endeavours.

And try not to forget
all the times I brought you to fruition...

33, to be exact.

And when married guy
goes back to his wife,

which he will,

I hope that you come try to find me.

I hope that you know where to look.

Face down in a puddle of your own sick?

- Still not writing?
- LOL.

- (Laughs)
- LO fuckin' L.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(Hank) You're quiet.
(Becca) I like quiet.

Yeah, me too...

As long as you're OK.

My heart hurts.

Oh, God, baby. Mine, too.

Is it boy trouble?

Me too. Well, girl trouble.

- You want to talk about it?
- No.

I just want to know
when it stops hurting.

Well, here's the deal,
and you're not gonna want to hear this,

so it's gonna sound like
piss-poor parenting,

But if you're lucky, never.

Oh, what could ail thee,
knight at arms

Alone and palely loitering?

The sedge has withered from the lake

And no birds sing

Keats, La Belle Dame Sans Merci?

Is that the best you can do, Dad?

How about something
from this century?

How about... you got Dylan's
Blood On The Tracks?

You ever listen to that?
Classic heartbreak album.

I can gift it to you on your iPod.

- ♪ If you see her, say hello ♪
- Dad.

- ♪ She might be in Tangier ♪
- Dad.

♪ She left here last early spring

♪ Is living there, I hear ♪

(Bob Dylan) ♪ Say for me that I'm all right

♪ Though things get kind of slow

♪ She might think that I've forgotten her

♪ Don't tell her it isn't so ♪