Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Fear and Loathing at the Fundraiser - full transcript

- Father?
- Daughter?

Why is there a naked lady
in your bedroom?

What are you
talking about, revenge?

Don't make it like it wasn't
the least bit satisfying

to fuck the wife of the man
who turned your

"precious little book"
into a big, shitty movie.

Sick of you talking shit
about me in the press.

I thought you came because
you found out I fucked your wife.

Asshole.

Charlie Runkel's office.

Your assistant makes me want to
touch myself in a bad place.



But from now on, if I make a mistake
or I screw something up,

you should feel free to discipline me
in whatever way you see fit.

- Hi. Remember me?
- How could I forget?

- Best blind date of my life, asshole.
- Let me make it up to you.

Can I take you out sometime?

The guy you saw me with
last night is married.

Fucking a married a guy for 5 years?

Call him whatever you want.
He can stay with me.

Once upon a time, I used to love you.

And no matter what, you will
always be a part of my life.

But I'm not in love with you anymore.

Yusef, what's a five-letter word
for "excitable boy"?

Zevon.

Booyah.



That's a smart dog.

So...

- last night.
- What about it?

I don't want to be hyperbolic
or anything,

but I think we took things
to a whole other level.

And why do you feel the need
to relive it the next morning?

That's half the fun.
You know, it's like...

getting to do it all over again.

Except without the after-sex sadness

that comes down upon one.

Hank, I think we need to talk.

Talk, really?

Has anything good ever come
of such a thing ever?

We've been spending
a lot of time in the bedroom,

which is nice, very nice.

But I'm also just coming out of this
horribly dysfunctional relationship

that only existed in the bedroom...

You want me to do you in the shower.

I get it.

You want to go out on the town
with some Hank on your arm.

You want to stroll around
with some of this.

That's totally understandable.
We can do it. We can go out. Anything.

Anything you want to do.
We'll do it. Just name it.

Let's go. Right now.

- Okay, there's this fund-raiser.
- No, can't do that.

That sounds excruciating.
I won't do that.

It's your agency. You must be invited.

And I'm sure it went
right in the circular file.

Come on, it'll be fun.

It's for a good cause.

Well, I'm not much one for causes,
good or otherwise.

I'm not a joiner.

- Apathy kills, Hank.
- I don't care.

Does that feel like apathy to you?

You look...

half, you know, halfway decent.

Thanks.

How's Becca?

- Well, she's a little bummed.
- Well, that's understandable,

- but this thing came up.
- I know, but she's just...

- Dad.
- Beautiful daughter.

- Gee, I don't know where that...
- A bribe?

No, I like to think of it more as
a token of my paternal affection.

Are you serious?

This is awesome!

Just when I thought we'd agreed
not to get her a cell phone.

I thought we decided that, too,
but then I realized she can call me

whenever she's pissed
at you and lurch, so...

... changed my mind.

Do you have a date?

- I do.
- Do you like her?

- She is pretty cool.
- As cool as mom?

Sadly, I have come to find
that that is not possible.

Well, if it's a date
and not just a random hookup,

- I guess I approve.
- Yes!

But I wanna hear
all about her tomorrow.

Absolutely.

Call me.

I can't believe you.

So...

Stop it. The date.

- Are you in love?
- Shut up.

Where are you taking her?
Red Lobster? Denny's?

I wish. I got this fucking fund-raiser
at the agency

I got roped into going to.

Fascist architecture.
Can I ask you a question?

- Go for it.
- What are we doing here?

- Mixing and mingling.
- That's what I thought.

That explains why my sphincter
tightened up a couple notches.

Relax.

There's your agent.

- What the fuck?
- What's the problem?

You know how much I hate
that motherfucker.

Yes, I know how much you hate
that A-list, in-demand motherfucker.

But I've been trying
to sign him for years.

Don't make me
fire your ass all over again.

Hank, if I depended on you and
you alone for my commissions,

Marcy and I would be sharing a TV dinner
under a bare light bulb right now.

OK but don't do it in front of me.

It's like watching you
cheat on me with another man.

You give much better head.
Always have, always will.

I am impressed.

I can't believe you managed
to drag this nonpartisan asshole

- out of the house for this shindig.
- I had to use all of my feminine wiles.

And a butt plug.

Speaking of which... where's Marcy?

Emergency waxing session.

As we speak, she's likely staring into
the business end of Angelina's vagina.

Let's take a time-out while I meditate
on that for a few moments.

You do that.
I see a friend. You come find me.

I'm sorry. did you say something?

I told you, man. You just needed
to meet a nice girl.

- She's not so nice.
- Naughty?

Do I ask you about Marcy's

- sexual proclivities?
- Yes, all the time. It's odd, actually.

So, what are we talking about here?
A little "S&M"? A little light "B&D"?

Slow down, tiger.

Morticia. Call me Hank, please.

- So, do you still need me?
- Did you finish reading the manuscript?

- Did you write your coverage on it yet?
- No, not yet.

Then, I think you just answered
your own question.

- Back to work.
- Yes, sir.

Anything you want to tell me
about there, captain?

Please. I'm a married man.

Anything you want to tell me
about there, captain?

Can we agree not to throw down
while we have our cocks out?

Really? Yours is out?

- Fag.
- I'm done fighting you, Moody.

This from a man who had a six-pack of
whoop-ass opened up on him last week.

I couldn't hurt you if I wanted to.
You're your own worst enemy.

That is a very astute observation
coming from a dumb guy.

Did me a big favor, actually.

Got me out of a horrible
fucking marriage.

You and Sandy splitting the sheets?
Do tell.

That bitch is crazy. Last time I ever
marry a fucking white woman.

I'm with you there.

- Well, how'd she take it?
- Haven't told her.

- Thinking about doing it tonight.
- Here? she's here?

That's right.

There she is.
The former Mrs. Moody.

I was never officially a Moody.

You were moody.
You just weren't a Moody.

You could've made me less moody
if you'd made me into a Moody.

- I'll make you a Moody right now.
- It's too late.

- It's 4 hours to Vegas.
- No, it's too late.

We'll stop in Barstow, in-n-out burgers,
shakes, fries, celebratory coupling,

which I believe is part
of our sordid sexual history.

You know, it's very tempting,
but I'm gonna have to say no.

But thank you. Over.

Could you be
on your best behavior tonight?

Please, please.

Like a child you talk to me.
What do you think I'll do?

- You are a child.
- Stir the punch with my dong?

Quite possibly, yes.

And that's the thing with you, Hank.

One never knows what to expect
from you or your dong.

And how is this not a virtue?

You know, honey,
you do look beautiful tonight.

Well, that's... Thank you.
Thank you.

Stop it! No. You just said
you would behave.

Bill is around the corner.

- Okay, come on. We can be adults.
- It just gets so lonely sometimes.

I need a hug in a moment, the moment
passes, and I'm good. Smell you later.

- You finished yet?
- Putting it together right now.

Bring it to me in my office.

U.T.K. Charlie Runkel's office.

It's your wife.

Hey, baby.

Yeah, it's going well.

How about you?
How is Angelina's cookie?

Really?

Well, that's one of the benefits
of adoption.

You know what?
You're... you're breaking up.

Yeah, you're... You're...
I'm losing you, babe.

Okay, got to go.

Tell me what to do.

What if you don't wanna do
what I tell you to do?

I think you're missing the point.

Thank you.

There you are.

Hank Moody,

please say hello to my colleague
Jonathan Mandel

and his lovely wife, Nikki.

- Hank Moody? The writer?
- I used to be.

Now I'm Hank Moody the blogger,
soon to be Hank Moody the bartender.

Meredith turned me on to your blog.

- Highly entertaining, Hank.
- Well, that's what I do. I entertain.

I'd be interested to see what you write
about this little shindig.

Well, just off the top of my head...

I find interesting to hear these people
ranting and raving about saving

the environment when they'll probably
blow like 10 000 pounds of fuel

on their private jet planes
getting down to Cabo this weekend.

That's right, babs. You heard me.

Tell Oprah I said so.

Put that in your pipe
and smoke it, ladies.

- Meredith, can I get you another drink?
- Will you excuse us?

- Your writing is so good.
- Well, Thank you.

I'm a bit of a scribbler myself,
you know?

Nikki Man... That Nikki Mandel.

You write all that Hollywood, trophy,

- clit-lit stank, don't you?
- That's me.

Masturbation material for the North
of Montana hausfrau.

You had me at masturbation.

- I was hoping so.
- You got me all wet.

The trick is coming up
with good story ideas.

I would imagine.

I'm always on the lookout
for new material...

- if you know what I mean.
- It's hard not to know what you mean,

especially when you're being
so subtle about it.

Doesn't pay to be a wallflower.

You and your husband seem fine.

- What's the deal?
- Looks can be deceiving.

Those two have been playing grab-ass
for years now.

"I see," said the blind man.

Excuse me a moment.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

No, what are you doing?
That's married guy. Come on.

- I didn't know he was gonna be here.
- Come on.

Okay, I knew.

I'm sorry.

I don't care. It's still a lie.

Look, you want to create
a fuss with me?

That's fine. I'm listening.

I'm kid chaos.
I'll create some chaos for you.

How?

How?

I want to be a 40-year-old virgin.

Why?

Because it seems like,
once you get laid,

your life basically turns to shit.

It's not so bad.

You've had the sex?

Sure.

What's it like?

Good.

Bad.

Weird.

Powerful.

I don't know. Look, don't worry about
this stuff. You got plenty of time.

- Watch the hair.
- Sorry.

You Miss your dad, don't you?

I Miss my mom.

For what it's worth,
I know my mom really likes you.

I like her, too.

It's just...

not the same, you know?

Do you like Bill?

Sure. He's nice.

But he's not like Hank.

Seriously, you're really lucky.

Nice.

- Watch it!
- Well, thank you.

Great!

- You could look where you're going.
- And you could be a bit less of a cunt.

- What did you say?
- What did I say? I cunt hear you.

Back it up, lady!

What the hell happened here?

The guy spills his drink on me,
then he called me a cunt.

I didn't say a word!
I bumped into her. My bad.

- You liar! Yes, you did!
- She just freaked out on me.

You should've come and get me.

- I can take care of myself. Thank you.
- Clearly.

Sweetie, this is hardly the time
or the place for a scene.

Can't we all just get along? I'm not
looking to press charges or anything.

- Get off of me.
- He's trying to be decent.

No. He's trying to be a dick.

You want me to have him thrown out?
Just say the word and I will.

I don't. I just want to go.

Now, look, there's a couple
I want you to meet.

Turns out they bought
that house you re-did.

There we go. Turn.

Come on, lean forward.

Yeah, just like that.

Just like that.

Look at you, you dirty,
little animal.

- Like this?
- Yes.

I missed.

Yes, look at that.

- Holy fucknuts!
- Shit!

- What, don't you fucking knock?
- Don't you lock?

Why don't you go grab him
some water or something?

Take it easy there, Diane Arbus.

Don't have a coronary,

'cause I wouldn't know how
to explain that to your wife.

It's all right. Maybe it's time
to punch out there, Bettie Page.

Here.

First things first... You're not gonna
stroke out on me, are you?

Good. You just relax.

It's all good. It was me.

You're lucky it was
me coming in that door, huh?

Look at me, look at me.
Let me see those eyes.

Yeah, you're good, you're good.

- What the fuck?
- What the fuck were you thinking

fucking around with your secretary?

"How much of a big fat clich? can I be"?

She started it, man.

Come on.

I guess I...

- ... got a little carried away.
- You think?

I don't even know what happened, man.
One minute, I am sailing along,

I'm being the guy who would
never, ever cheat on his wife.

The next second, I'm spanking the bare,
naked ass of a 22-year-old girl.

I'm not gonna be judgmental,
because, a/ Who the fuck am I to talk?

and b/ What you just described
sounds incredibly hot.

But you got to get your shit together.

All right? You owe it to Marcy.

I know.
I'm such a fucking asshole, man.

If anybody deserves
to be disciplined, it's me.

It's not an invitation.

If you're having
problems in the boudoir,

it's worth a conversation
with the old lady.

I'm afraid that ship
sailed some time ago.

I don't know, you know,

Marcy, to me, is nothing
if not a dirty, little girl.

I think, with all due respect,

if you talk to her, I think

she'd be into some seriously
freaky shit.

Big boy. You're not crying, are you?

- A little bit.
Jesus Christ.

- May I have another glass of wine?
- Hey!

Time to hang up
your drinking shoes, lady.

You love me, don't you, Hank?

I've certainly grown very fond of you.

- But I think that's...
- Let me guess.

It's a little early for
this particular discussion.

Something like that, yeah.

We'll probably never make it
to this particular discussion.

Why do you say that?

Well, when you've spent
the last five years loving a man

and wondering why
he doesn't love you back...

...you tend to get
a wee bit cynical about things.

You stay right here...

... and you hydrate.

I'll be right back.

What'd you say?

You need a double dose
of Viagra to get wood

and you wear a fanny pack
on the weekends.

- Think you're pretty clever, don't you?
- You wanna fuck around, fine.

Fuck around all you want,
I'm no judge Judy.

But don't string a woman along
for a major chunk

of her childbearing years.
That's not cool.

- Who are you? Don Quixote?
- No, I'm not even Don fucking Knotts.

- I'm a big fan of the lady in question.
- That's incredibly noble,

considering how the lady
in question talks about you.

I was curious,

because despite what you say,
I do care about her,

So, I asked, "Who is he? Is this
someone I need to worry about?"

You know what she said?

"Him? He's nobody, a loser,

"someone to pass the time with
when I'm not in bed with you."

So, maybe you're the one who
needs to be cut loose, pal.

- You're very lucky, my friend.
- And why is that?

'Cause I promised someone
I'd be on my best behavior.

Fucking fucker!

- My God!
- What are you doing?

I'm glad we came.

That was fun.

You're funny.

There you go. You're good, you're good.

- Proud of me?
- Almost never, but,

yeah, I approve.

No, no.
My behavior... me and my dong.

- Well-behaved.
- Right... good.

- Did nothing.
- Congratulations.

You are proud of me.
Did you have a good night?

Yeah, I did.

For a radical environmentalist
such as yourself,

this whole evening must have
given you a clit-boner.

You're disgusting.

See you next Tuesday!

Fuck you!

What is that? What are you doing?

He's just a classy guy.
He called me a cunt.

- This guy called you a cunt?
- I dealt with it. I dealt with it.

It's okay, I just want to...

Excuse me.

Good night.

Good night.

- Hey.
- Hey, mom.

I'm sorry. Go back to sleep.

- Mom?
- Yeah?

Can I ask you something?

Anything, my love.

Do you love Bill?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Do you love dad?

Yes...

because we have you in common.

I mean... I don't love him

in that butterflies-in-the-tummy
way anymore.

I mean...

not in the way that we love
Johnny Depp, definitely not.

Right.

Is dad a bad person?

No, not at all.

He does have a habit

of getting himself and
everyone else around him

into trouble sometimes, but...

Bill is a good person, sweetie.

You know, he's kind, he's smart,

and he really...

He thinks things through.

I love you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

It's been a long time since someone
held my hair back as I puked.

It's been an honor and a privilege.

Care to join me?

Whew, still kind of barfy.
Get some sleep.

Thank you.

It's what I do.

"B" to the "E" to the "C"
to the "C" to the "A."

- Hi, dad.
- What up, G?

I called because I had
a feeling you couldn't sleep.

Right as usual, my beautiful,
precocious daughter.

Remember what you used to do
for me when I couldn't sleep?

Dose you with opiates?.

You'd look at the ocean
and count the mermaids.

I did do that.

I'm a better father than I thought.

Maybe you should try that,
and it will help.

Yeah.

One...

Two...

Three... no, that's a sea lion.

Four...

Five...

Six... no, that's a bum.

Seven...

Eight...

Nine... no, that's Daryl Hannah.

Ten...

Eleven...