C.O.P.S. (1988–1989): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Case of the Bogus Justice Machines - full transcript
The C.O.P.S. are threatened with being replaced by crime fighting robots called "Instant Justice Machines."
C.O.P.S
Central Organization of Police Specialists
Fighting crime in a future time.
Protecting Empire City from
Big Boss and his gang of crooks.
It's crime fighting time.
The case of the
bogus justice machines.
It was the most dangerous and
diabolical plan the Big Boss ever had.
To replace every policeman in Empire
City with machines under his control.
Here's how the caper came down.
You are under arrest.
You will refrain from struggling
during this investigation.
This won't take long, madam.
(Buzz)
You have been found
guilty of illegal parking.
Sentence, four years in jail.
A patrol wagon will
arrive within ten minutes
to transport
you to the nearest jail.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Now, with enough
of these instant justice
in operation, Empire
City will be mine.
Take us home, Squeeky.
I've just been informed that
the city council has chosen
this precinct as the test
site for instant justice.
Machines can
hand out candy bars,
but they sure can't
give you justice.
Leave your opinions
at the door Mace,
and this goes for all of you.
Instant justice was
approved by the city council.
It's the law.
and our job is to see
that the law is enforced.
Dismissed.
It's crime fightin' time.
Crime, jaywalking.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, five years hard labor.
Crime, littering.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, 15 years hard labor.
[Scream]
Crime, speeding.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, life imprisonment.
Who says crime doesn't pay?
Shut up, you idiot.
See you back at the hideout.
Remember to drive careful.
You wouldn't want to
get a speeding ticket.
It's too heavy for this ride.
10-40, repeat, 10-40.
Officers, Mace and Highway.
I'll take the high road.
You take the low road.
Eat dust, coppers.
I got this one, Highway.
You nail Ms. Demeanor.
Pennies from heaven.
Get off.
You want us to crash?
You're nuts, lady.
Oh.
- Oh.
You're under arrest,
Ms. Demeanor.
You have the right
to remain silent.
I will take over now, officer.
I can handle it.
The new law says
that I must handle it.
Besides, you should
have read her, her rights.
You didn't give me a chance.
Your excuse is not acceptable.
Take off those handcuffs.
Okay, fine.
She's all yours.
Crime fighting is not going to be
the same with these guys around.
What are the charges?
Armed robbery, discharging
a firearm in a public place,
resisting arrest,
reckless driving,
damage to public and
private property, inciting a riot,
and general mayhem.
This Fed court hereby
declares Ms. Demeanor
innocent of all charges.
Are you crazy? She's guilty!
Or my name's not Highway.
Release the prisoner at once.
What about the gold she stole?
Circumstantial evidence.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Do you require transportation?
Why, yes. Thank you.
At least one cop
behaves like a gentleman.
It's got to be a scam.
Instant justice.
What a joke.
You might be right, Mace.
Mainframe pulled some
stats that prove arrest rates
are up on false arrests
and non-serious crimes.
While crooks like Ms. Demeanor
and Berserko commit crimes
and are set free.
I think those instant justice
machines have their wires crossed.
Yeah, and somebody
wants it that way.
Mace, you and Barricade tail Ms.
Demeanor and see what you can come up with.
Barricade.
- Yes, sir.
Keep an eye on Mace. I don't
want him acting out of turn.
Understood, sir.
We've been sitting here all
day, Barricade. Let's pack it up.
Just one more hour. I'm
sure she'll be coming out soon.
That's what you
said four hours ago.
There she is.
Patience is a
virtue, good buddy.
Don't lose her.
You want to drive?
- Don't get too close.
Make up your mind.
Can't be too careful, you know.
True, but remember,
this is only surveillance.
Congratulations, Councilman.
Your instant justice
machines work like a charm.
Ah? Don't thank me. Just pay me.
That's Joe Vargas.
You know, the city councilman
who spearheaded the drive
for the instant justice machines.
Taking a payoff
from Ms. Demeanor.
I say we show him our
own version of instant justice.
We can't just waltz
in there and bust him.
We need more proof.
Do you have a better plan?
Bulletproof told me
to keep an eye on you.
You want to keep
an eye on me, huh?
Then watch me
read them their rights.
Okay. I'm with you.
You'll need me to
keep you out of trouble.
Step aside.
Police officers!
Hold it right there!
Hey, wait. Let me explain.
You can do your
explaining to the judge.
You're under arrest.
Correction, you
are under arrest.
Ugh! Hey!
Crime. Illegal trespassing.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, capture.
Well, you got any bright ideas?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Prisoners are not
permitted to talk.
Let's work this out, cop to cop.
Silence, please.
That's what not talking means.
I know you told me
never to call you, but
this is an emergency.
Oh, big deal.
You caught a
couple of trespassers.
Yeah, but they're cops.
Well, that's your
problem, not mine.
We can't afford to jeopardize
the instant justice operation, see?
You gotta help me.
My suggestion?
Lock 'em up. Yeah.
Where no one will ever find 'em.
You took the words out
of my mouth, big boss.
The big boss?
You were expecting
the tooth fairy?
C.O.P.S, thing of the past.
According to City
Councilman Vargas,
we and all the other flesh and blood
police will soon be on the way out,
thanks to the new
instant justice machines.
Do you think Mace and
Barricade have found anything?
Can't wait for their report.
The fastest way to get
answers is to start at the top.
Bullseye, let's pay
Councilman Vargas a visit.
Can I have a word
with you, officer?
Prisoners are not
permitted to talk.
Are you nuts?
The first rule of
a good negotiator,
create a bond with the enemy.
Silence!
You know, you remind me of a
favorite toy I had when I was a kid.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it was a kind of robot
that could play different games.
That sounds like a
model 1159 Speed-bot.
A primitive toy,
but a lot of fun.
It was my favorite, too.
I can't believe I'm
actually hearing this.
Get us out of here, Bullseye.
You get a chance
to speak to Vargas?
He wasn't there.
It seems Councilman Vargas spends
most of his time at the Vetracon warehouse.
Where to, sir? Vetracon?
- Yes.
You play your
cards right, Vargas,
and I'll make you
a very rich man.
You can count on me, big boss.
You heard him.
Let's make me rich.
Go to whisper mode.
You got it, sir.
Let's see if we can hear
what they're saying down there.
Dual surveillance mics on.
I want those two
cops dealt with tonight.
Two cops?
Must be Mace and Barricade.
And they're in trouble.
Show me a thermo-graph
of the warehouse.
We'll pinpoint their exact
location by their body heat.
Gotta make you feel
superhuman, you know?
X-ray vision?
And if anything happens to
us, think how bad you'll feel.
You're too nice a machine to
have that on your conscience.
We found them.
Put her down on the roof.
All units, this is bulletproof.
Request backup, at Vetracon.
Well, who wants to say it?
It's crime-fighting time!
Security at the bridge.
What are our orders?
Arrest the intruders.
It's over, Vargas.
You're under arrest.
Call off your toys.
You'll never take me
without a fight, cops!
It's not too late.
You still have a choice.
If I let you go, I
won't be deactivated?
I promise.
You seem like an honest cop.
I know you'll keep your promise.
That machine is letting us go.
This is some kind of fluke, right?
There are always non-violent
alternatives to resolve conflict, Mace.
Let's find Vargas.
What the... You are under...
We're outnumbered.
My logic circuits
recommend surrender.
Shut up and let me think.
It's over, Vargas.
Get ready for the slammer.
This is a self-destruct button.
Stay back, I'm warning you.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
I'm... I'm not going to jail.
He's bluffing. Let's jump him.
Back off, Mace.
Let's talk, Vargas.
I want immunity.
I won't go to jail.
Forget it, pal.
You're on a one-way
trip to the slammer.
Quiet, Mace.
Okay.
Maybe we can talk
to the district attorney.
I want a new identity.
A new face. A new name.
You're asking for a lot, Vargas.
I can name names.
Do we have a deal?
I'm not promising you freedom.
Grab him.
Mace!
Vargas, there's no
need to push that button.
Even jail is better than that.
I... I don't know.
All right, you win.
I'm giving myself up.
Smart man, Vargas.
Let's go take a look at
that new paddy wagon
you helped allocate
tax money for.
You see? No violence.
Hey, didn't I keep telling you?
There's always a non-violent
way to resolve a conflict.
Yeah, especially
with your best buddy.
Hey, I think we
really hit it off.
Wanna take in a movie?
Wanna play a game of chess?
A few adjustments and you
might end up on the force after all.
City Councilman Joseph Vargas
was arrested and sentenced to jail.
All of the instant justice machines
were deactivated with one exception.
Cops File 34752,
the case of
"The Bogus Justice Machines."
Case closed.
Central Organization of Police Specialists
Fighting crime in a future time.
Protecting Empire City from
Big Boss and his gang of crooks.
It's crime fighting time.
The case of the
bogus justice machines.
It was the most dangerous and
diabolical plan the Big Boss ever had.
To replace every policeman in Empire
City with machines under his control.
Here's how the caper came down.
You are under arrest.
You will refrain from struggling
during this investigation.
This won't take long, madam.
(Buzz)
You have been found
guilty of illegal parking.
Sentence, four years in jail.
A patrol wagon will
arrive within ten minutes
to transport
you to the nearest jail.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Now, with enough
of these instant justice
in operation, Empire
City will be mine.
Take us home, Squeeky.
I've just been informed that
the city council has chosen
this precinct as the test
site for instant justice.
Machines can
hand out candy bars,
but they sure can't
give you justice.
Leave your opinions
at the door Mace,
and this goes for all of you.
Instant justice was
approved by the city council.
It's the law.
and our job is to see
that the law is enforced.
Dismissed.
It's crime fightin' time.
Crime, jaywalking.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, five years hard labor.
Crime, littering.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, 15 years hard labor.
[Scream]
Crime, speeding.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, life imprisonment.
Who says crime doesn't pay?
Shut up, you idiot.
See you back at the hideout.
Remember to drive careful.
You wouldn't want to
get a speeding ticket.
It's too heavy for this ride.
10-40, repeat, 10-40.
Officers, Mace and Highway.
I'll take the high road.
You take the low road.
Eat dust, coppers.
I got this one, Highway.
You nail Ms. Demeanor.
Pennies from heaven.
Get off.
You want us to crash?
You're nuts, lady.
Oh.
- Oh.
You're under arrest,
Ms. Demeanor.
You have the right
to remain silent.
I will take over now, officer.
I can handle it.
The new law says
that I must handle it.
Besides, you should
have read her, her rights.
You didn't give me a chance.
Your excuse is not acceptable.
Take off those handcuffs.
Okay, fine.
She's all yours.
Crime fighting is not going to be
the same with these guys around.
What are the charges?
Armed robbery, discharging
a firearm in a public place,
resisting arrest,
reckless driving,
damage to public and
private property, inciting a riot,
and general mayhem.
This Fed court hereby
declares Ms. Demeanor
innocent of all charges.
Are you crazy? She's guilty!
Or my name's not Highway.
Release the prisoner at once.
What about the gold she stole?
Circumstantial evidence.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Do you require transportation?
Why, yes. Thank you.
At least one cop
behaves like a gentleman.
It's got to be a scam.
Instant justice.
What a joke.
You might be right, Mace.
Mainframe pulled some
stats that prove arrest rates
are up on false arrests
and non-serious crimes.
While crooks like Ms. Demeanor
and Berserko commit crimes
and are set free.
I think those instant justice
machines have their wires crossed.
Yeah, and somebody
wants it that way.
Mace, you and Barricade tail Ms.
Demeanor and see what you can come up with.
Barricade.
- Yes, sir.
Keep an eye on Mace. I don't
want him acting out of turn.
Understood, sir.
We've been sitting here all
day, Barricade. Let's pack it up.
Just one more hour. I'm
sure she'll be coming out soon.
That's what you
said four hours ago.
There she is.
Patience is a
virtue, good buddy.
Don't lose her.
You want to drive?
- Don't get too close.
Make up your mind.
Can't be too careful, you know.
True, but remember,
this is only surveillance.
Congratulations, Councilman.
Your instant justice
machines work like a charm.
Ah? Don't thank me. Just pay me.
That's Joe Vargas.
You know, the city councilman
who spearheaded the drive
for the instant justice machines.
Taking a payoff
from Ms. Demeanor.
I say we show him our
own version of instant justice.
We can't just waltz
in there and bust him.
We need more proof.
Do you have a better plan?
Bulletproof told me
to keep an eye on you.
You want to keep
an eye on me, huh?
Then watch me
read them their rights.
Okay. I'm with you.
You'll need me to
keep you out of trouble.
Step aside.
Police officers!
Hold it right there!
Hey, wait. Let me explain.
You can do your
explaining to the judge.
You're under arrest.
Correction, you
are under arrest.
Ugh! Hey!
Crime. Illegal trespassing.
Verdict, guilty.
Sentence, capture.
Well, you got any bright ideas?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Prisoners are not
permitted to talk.
Let's work this out, cop to cop.
Silence, please.
That's what not talking means.
I know you told me
never to call you, but
this is an emergency.
Oh, big deal.
You caught a
couple of trespassers.
Yeah, but they're cops.
Well, that's your
problem, not mine.
We can't afford to jeopardize
the instant justice operation, see?
You gotta help me.
My suggestion?
Lock 'em up. Yeah.
Where no one will ever find 'em.
You took the words out
of my mouth, big boss.
The big boss?
You were expecting
the tooth fairy?
C.O.P.S, thing of the past.
According to City
Councilman Vargas,
we and all the other flesh and blood
police will soon be on the way out,
thanks to the new
instant justice machines.
Do you think Mace and
Barricade have found anything?
Can't wait for their report.
The fastest way to get
answers is to start at the top.
Bullseye, let's pay
Councilman Vargas a visit.
Can I have a word
with you, officer?
Prisoners are not
permitted to talk.
Are you nuts?
The first rule of
a good negotiator,
create a bond with the enemy.
Silence!
You know, you remind me of a
favorite toy I had when I was a kid.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it was a kind of robot
that could play different games.
That sounds like a
model 1159 Speed-bot.
A primitive toy,
but a lot of fun.
It was my favorite, too.
I can't believe I'm
actually hearing this.
Get us out of here, Bullseye.
You get a chance
to speak to Vargas?
He wasn't there.
It seems Councilman Vargas spends
most of his time at the Vetracon warehouse.
Where to, sir? Vetracon?
- Yes.
You play your
cards right, Vargas,
and I'll make you
a very rich man.
You can count on me, big boss.
You heard him.
Let's make me rich.
Go to whisper mode.
You got it, sir.
Let's see if we can hear
what they're saying down there.
Dual surveillance mics on.
I want those two
cops dealt with tonight.
Two cops?
Must be Mace and Barricade.
And they're in trouble.
Show me a thermo-graph
of the warehouse.
We'll pinpoint their exact
location by their body heat.
Gotta make you feel
superhuman, you know?
X-ray vision?
And if anything happens to
us, think how bad you'll feel.
You're too nice a machine to
have that on your conscience.
We found them.
Put her down on the roof.
All units, this is bulletproof.
Request backup, at Vetracon.
Well, who wants to say it?
It's crime-fighting time!
Security at the bridge.
What are our orders?
Arrest the intruders.
It's over, Vargas.
You're under arrest.
Call off your toys.
You'll never take me
without a fight, cops!
It's not too late.
You still have a choice.
If I let you go, I
won't be deactivated?
I promise.
You seem like an honest cop.
I know you'll keep your promise.
That machine is letting us go.
This is some kind of fluke, right?
There are always non-violent
alternatives to resolve conflict, Mace.
Let's find Vargas.
What the... You are under...
We're outnumbered.
My logic circuits
recommend surrender.
Shut up and let me think.
It's over, Vargas.
Get ready for the slammer.
This is a self-destruct button.
Stay back, I'm warning you.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
I'm... I'm not going to jail.
He's bluffing. Let's jump him.
Back off, Mace.
Let's talk, Vargas.
I want immunity.
I won't go to jail.
Forget it, pal.
You're on a one-way
trip to the slammer.
Quiet, Mace.
Okay.
Maybe we can talk
to the district attorney.
I want a new identity.
A new face. A new name.
You're asking for a lot, Vargas.
I can name names.
Do we have a deal?
I'm not promising you freedom.
Grab him.
Mace!
Vargas, there's no
need to push that button.
Even jail is better than that.
I... I don't know.
All right, you win.
I'm giving myself up.
Smart man, Vargas.
Let's go take a look at
that new paddy wagon
you helped allocate
tax money for.
You see? No violence.
Hey, didn't I keep telling you?
There's always a non-violent
way to resolve a conflict.
Yeah, especially
with your best buddy.
Hey, I think we
really hit it off.
Wanna take in a movie?
Wanna play a game of chess?
A few adjustments and you
might end up on the force after all.
City Councilman Joseph Vargas
was arrested and sentenced to jail.
All of the instant justice machines
were deactivated with one exception.
Cops File 34752,
the case of
"The Bogus Justice Machines."
Case closed.