CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 3, Episode 6 - Counterfeit - full transcript

You already have a date
for tonight, alright?

Yeah, I know.

Blind date I never
should have agreed to.

I may need a backup, though.

- Yeah.
- That's three dollars even.

Look, one thing you
and Heather have in common

Jenny says she's
an excellent dancer

and she's light on her feet.

Yeah. I bet she spends
half the night dancing on mine.

Sure. That's touch dancing, man.

That's the new thing. It's in.



Hey, you better give me
another bill. This one's bogus.

- 'It's fake.'

- Phony. Counterfeit.
- You got to be kidding.

'They've been turning up
in the neighborhood.'

'I got stuck
with a couple myself.'

'Yeah, I got a flier on it
over the weekend.'

Yeah, well, I already cashed
my overtime check

at the market
where I always shop.

You better check
your other bills, Ponch.

Aw...oh, man.

Oh, man.
Look at that, Jon.

Two more!

Hey, you're broke, partner.

You could've killed me,
you maniac!



Well, I-I-I'm sorry. I..

Oh, now, let's hear
some crack

about I'm so small,
you didn't see me.

Well, you got to admit,
it's a pretty big car

for a man your size.

Oh
Well, come here. Look.

"A man my size."

I want you to see this.

But, sir, handling this car,
it's not easy.

Look, my car is specially
rigged for me.

I got a built-up seat,
a cushion, brake, accelerator.

I could drive as well as anyone.

LA 15 7-Mary-3 and 4

like to report a TC on the 210
freeway just east of Arlington.

'10-4, LA 7-Mary-3 and 4.'

How you doing?
Anybody hurt here?

Uh, Mr. Big, he's a--

Officer, I'm an attorney,
and, uh--

Okay, okay. Take it
easy, would you?

Now, are you
the drivers involved?

Yes.

Alright, let's start
with driver's license

and registration, please.

Alright.
Keep it moving. Go on.

Dear God.
Look at all the police.

Police aren't
interested in us, dad.

All they want us to do
is keep on moving.

They're busy
with the accident.

I do hope that
nobody's been killed.

Just watch the officer up ahead

obey his signals
and don't do anything sudden.

- I don't think anyone's hurt.
- Praise the Lord.

Anyhow, we have more
important things to think about.

'Keep it moving, folks.'

Come on. Keep it moving.
Let's go. Let's go.

Come on.

Will you be assessing
the blame in your report?

Don't worry.
He's not going to nail you.

He's got me to pin it on.

Look, we don't pin anything
on anybody, Mr. O'Hara.

We just report
the facts as we find them.

- Excuse me.
- Thank you.

'You want to bet, huh?'

How much do you want to bet?

Hold it down, sir.
Please calm yourself, okay?

Mr. O'Hara, as a practicing
attorney, I've learned that

the police are usually
efficient, thorough and fair.

Huh! Oh, brother.
Huh! What a lie.

Okay. Okay, I see what's coming.

Just like always, the little guy
takes the rap. Huh, okay.

Well..

It's like talking to a wall.

Uh, wait a minute.

If it's my insurance rate
that has to go up

I'm going to get
my money's worth.

Put that down.

Why? I'm only going to
wreck up this car a little more.

You'll make me
pay for it anyhow.

Come on, sir.
This is stupid, you know?

Stupid?

He plows into me
and gets away with it

just because he's tall.
That's what's stupid.

I'm an excellent driver

but I never get
the benefit of the doubt.

Now, look, nobody's
gonna judge this case here

at roadside and nobody's taking
advantage of your size.

Now, put that down.

If you both come
with me, I'll take you

where your cars are being towed.

Listen, uh,
call your insurance men

give them our names, alright?

Okay.

'Thank you, officer.'

'I'm sorry about all of this.'

'It's okay.'

Hey, don't put me in
the back with Mr. Big Shot.

I might go for him.

You know, for a little guy
O'Hara's got

a pretty big temper.

Yeah, but don't worry about it.

Baricza's taking karate lessons.

I think you'll like
this batch, Mr. Delgado.

It's better than
the one we brought last week.

The plates were made from
a new set of photo negatives.

You can handle
these for us, can't you?

The big shipment?

I think your people
in Europe are going to be

really happy with it and
by the time it works its way

back into US banks,
no bloodhound on this earth

will be able to trace it to you.

How come you're in
the counterfeiting business?

I thought religious rackets
paid off pretty good.

Caesar demanded that
so much be rendered unto him

that we couldn't survive.

Caesar?

What he means is the IRS

rescinded our tax-free status.

We haven't closed
the church, of course

because it covers
the printing company.

Okay. You're right about this.

'It is good.'

It's worth 12 cents
on the dollar.

Is that all?

If you can deliver five million
dollars at 20, here, by Friday

that's 600,000 in cash for you.

Friday?

Alright. You got
yourself a deal.

Well, take them to
the Federal Building

secret service
counterfeit division.

Well, they won't give him
good money for 'em, will they?

Nope. Not a chance.

Maybe I ought to
take them back to my market.

After all, they
pawned them off on me.

Oh, Frank,
you can't pass 'em back.

You know
perfectly well.

Why should he get stuck? I mean,
he didn't do anything wrong.

It just isn't fair.

'Well, life isn't fair.'

Now, that's a lesson worth
a lot more than 60 bucks.

'And talking about what's fair'

'why don't you
get back on your beats?'

Give the state a day's work
for its money.

Come on. Get out of here.

Hey, Ponch.
Hey, Jon.

Hey, Ponch, got change for a 20?

You know, Grossie,
you're about as funny as

a blind dog in a butcher shop.

How could you let that happen?

You got to be more observant.

I suppose something like that
couldn't happen to you, huh?

Never. My grandfather
told me many times.

"Things are seldom as they seem

especially when
money's involved."

Okay, next time I go
cash my paycheck

I'll take your
grandfather with me.

Grandpa passed in '66.

'I'll go with you, if you like.'

Want to know where
I'd like you to go?

Tell me later.

Man, after a day like today

even a blind date
wouldn't be that bad.

Jon Baker and..

Ponch.

Whatever.

Want to dance?

Hey!

Sorry about Ponch.
He hates blind dates.

Come on.

Right.

Boy, you sure know how to move.

Hey, I'm just getting warmed up.

Then why did we stop? Come on!

Relax, let's take some time out

and get to know each other.

Okay.

What's your sign?

Sign? Oh, I'm an Aquarius.

Wow! Me, too!

Don't you just love astrology?

Well, to tell the truth,
I'd rather hear about you.

I just told you. I'm Aquarius.

There's got to be
more than that.

I mean, um, what do you like?

Dancing, I know.
Y

Uh-huh.

Great. Um..

Who's your favorite director?

Oh, you know, the ones
who do the funny flicks.

'I just love to laugh.'

Um, then I guess the
energy crisis is upsetting, huh?

Boring!

Right, right. Okay.

Well, what did you
think of Heather?

Well, I made another
date with her

but that was before I realized

she was sort of shallow.

Yeah, well,
she doesn't dance shallow.

Yeah, but that's all
she can do.

She had nothing to say,
no opinions, nothing!

All she can do is dance.

Hey, Baker, Poncherello.

Uh, what did we do wrong and
how'd you find out about it?

There's a Ross Genelli
in my office, federal agent

about those counterfeit
20s you turned in.

Thanks, sarge.

And try not to be too late
for briefing, huh?

I've been to the market where
you picked up the phony bills.

Great. Did you catch the bums?

'No.'

We broke up an operation
in San Francisco

a few weeks ago,
seized the plates

'and the press
but the counterfeiter got away.'

'He used a phony name.'

So now he's in business here.

How can he be? I mean, if you
have his press and plates?

The plates are made
from photo negatives.

We didn't get the negatives.

So my three 20s will
help you find him.

No.

That's two "no's" already.

'They might.'

Now, we think they're floaters

from the San Francisco
operation.

That negative
had a flaw, so he..

'...probably made
a new negative by now.'

- Sure.

By comparison
with the bill he photographed.

Well, great.
Do you have the bill?

- No.
- That's three.

So how do you know that
he's in business here?

We don't.

You said he was.

No. Yousaid he was.

You know something
we don't know?

Well, maybe, if you
tell us what you know.

I'm not at liberty to do that.

'Okay, just tell me..'

...do I get any compensation
for turning in the phonies?

- Oh, sure.
- Alright.

The thanks and appreciation
of the United States government.

Okay, that's about it.

Except there are
too many reports

of people siphoning off
other people's gas

so, uh, keep alert out there.

Okay. That's it.

Oh, gee, sarge.
We missed the whole briefing.

Yeah. I apologize.

Oh, uh...
what did you find out?

Well, they have this
counterfeit finder downtown

who's kind of a supercomputer.

You just feed in the series date

and the faceplate number
and a couple of other things.

What it comes down to
is I'm out my 60 bucks.

Now, you know, Jon,
we never asked that guy

at the Burger Palace about
the phonies he was stuck with.

'Hey, hold it, Sherlock.'

No jurisdiction awards.

The feds are jealous
of their turf.

Just stay off it, clear?

Yeah. Go patrol a highway.

'Hey, Ponch!'

Don't take any wooden nickels.

What are you taking,
funny lessons from Grossman?

Hey, look, Ponch, if you
want to borrow some bread--

I do.

Two pieces with a fat,
juicy hamburger in between.

At this hour in the morning?

If the Burger Palace is open.

Hey, now, wait a minute.
You heard Getraer.

'Hey, partner, he didn't say
we couldn't eat there.'

And if the guy who got
stuck with the funny money

wants to talk about it,
I can't stop him.

What about the first amendment?

That's right and if we
come up with anything

we'll pass it on to Genelli.

That will be $14, sir.

Out of 20. I got to go inside
and make change. Be right back.

Operator,
get me the police and hurry!

Officers, he just passed me
a funny $20 bill! That car!

I guess we took
a wrong turn somewhere.

Yeah. I hate to cancel this one.

Let's run a pattern search.

Just to be sure.

Don't I pay you well?

Don't I pay you better than
you could get anyplace else?

Answer me!

Don't be so harsh on him, Ed.

After all, even Judas couldn't

resist the temptation of silver.

'Our most basic rule.'

We do not spend
this stuff ourselves!

We sell it to men like Delgado

and then we let them
take the risks.

Now, how much did you take?

About 400.

'And then, yesterday
out of the box, 400.'

You passed $800
in our own neighborhood?

Have mercy.

And then you get yourself
chased by the police.

They didn't catch me!

The car was leased
in the name of the church.

That'll bring
the police straight to us.

We'll have to report
that car stolen.

Well, we certainly must try.

We'll need those blueprint
changes by Friday, Bob.

No sweat, Mr. O'Hara.

I'm going over to the Edison
site to check on the progress.

I thought your car was
pretty well wrecked up.

I'm driving my wife's car.

If I get a scratch on it,
she'll kill me.

Good luck.

Messenger service.

Oh, thank you.

Alright. Thank you.

See you later, Karen.

Who do you run for?

Run for?

Yeah. What messenger service?

- I'm not a messenger.
- Well, I saw the envelope--

'Look, you just came out of the
office of O'Hara and Nichols.'

I'm James O'Hara.
I own half the company.

Hey, come on, man. These guys
are high-powered architects.

Well, they take up
the whole floor.

- 'They are big-time.'
- One of the biggest.

So, uh,
who do you run for?

- Hey, sarge.
- Hi, sarge.

Hey, sarge.

Baker, uh, what's, uh..

...w-what's your
native language?

Why?

English.

Poncherello?

Hmm?

Your native language.

English.

You remember
what language I used

when I told you to keep off
the federal agents turf?

Yeah. It was
Swahili, wasn't it?

'Why did you guys go to
the Burger Palace this morning?'

Genelli's been raising
the roof all afternoon

because you guys got there ahead
of him and interfered with--

Sarge...we didn't say one word
to the guy at the Burger Palace.

The minute we got there,
we took off after that Ford.

Yeah, we didn't know
until later that

that had anything
to do with counterfeit.

I'll vouch for that.
I did the follow-up.

Well, I'm not involved.
I was picking up my laundry.

Alright, alright, alright.

That's point number one.

Now, point number two.

- The pursuit--
- We'll nail that guy tomorrow.

And the property
damage incurred

a picket fence,
a swimming pool..

'...a signal post.'

- Now, you can't blame us--
- 'Oh, look, look.'

I know how innocent
you guys are.

You see, but the
insurance companies don't.

'Now, what I want
from each of you..'

...is a form 555,
plus a form 556, plus a form 769

for the fence, for the swimming
pool, for the signal light

and whatever else was wrecked.

So, you see..

...I brought you some coffee.

You figure to be here a while.

- Thank you, sarge.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh, I hear acupuncture's
good for writer's cramp.

Alright.
Goodnight, Bear.

That car you were chasing,
it's on the hot sheet.

The lessee reported it stolen.

- 'Oh, no, you don't, no, no.'

You see, if I told you
that it was a church

the church of the Divine Gospel.

You see, you'd probably
try to beat Genelli there

in the morning and, uh, butt in
on the federal investigation.

So, no. I'm sorry.
My lips are sealed.

Mm.

You know something?

Getraer's a hard man
to figure out.

Things are seldom
what they seem.

That's Grossman's line.

That's Grossman's
grandfather's line.

Get some sleep.

Alright. Form 555, form 556.

And of course, form 769.

Hey, don't you have
a date with Heather tonight?

Tomorrow night and I wish
I could cancel it.

You didn't give her a chance.

She may have more upstairs
than you think.

By the time we finish
with this tonight

and visit that church
in the morning

I may be too tired to care.

Jimmy, I'm your kid brother
but I'm not a kid anymore

and I'm telling you,
you can't look back.

The accident's in the past.
It's over and done with.

You should have seen
that Whitlock.

Big-shot lawyer,
what a smoothie.

Yeah, I know, but what good
does it do to brood about it?

You used to laugh
at jerks like him.

I've heard all the jokes
and wisecracks once too often.

I can't laugh anymore.

'That's not
my big brother talking.'

See, I got enough
maudlin drunks coming in here

and if you turn
into a maudlin drunk..

Well, you're just
going to have to

take your business
someplace else.

- Can't do that.
'

This is the only bar
to customize a stool for me.

'Hey. Hey!'

- 'Bartender.'

Fill this up, huh?

A regular for me and
a short beer for my friend.

Hey, do you remember
WC Fields, huh?

"I'll have a check
for a short beer."

Hey, you know what?

If you had white hair

you'd look like a short beer.

Lady, I don't think
he needs a beer.

Oh. Oh, okay.

How about some milk and cookies?

I think you better
knock it off.

Hey, come on.

Look, we all have
our bad times, huh?

I lost a husband last year.

You don't see me crying, do you?

Nah. Just drink up. Forget it.

Madam, uh...I'm sure your
heart's in the right place.

But you can't
reach that high.

And if you try,
I'm going to have you pinched.

Funny.

'Funny.'

Hey, Jim.
You don't have to go.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Stick around.

Hey, I didn't hurt
your feelings, did I?

No. No, not at all.

I just have to
get back to the circus.

Lion tamer.

Lion tamer. Lion tamer?

Yeah.
One of the best.

Hmm.

You got the address
of that church?

Yeah, right here.
Church of the Divine Gospel.

- Morning, morning.
- Morning.

Oh, Poncherello, Baker..

...when you get to the church..

- Yeah.

You'll find it
closed for renovation.

'No one there.'

How could he have known
where we were going?

Oh, double agents,
hidden cameras, laser beams

secret service has its ways.

- Go around him.
- Hey, nuts to that.

He's supposed
to get out of the way.

Hey, jerk! Move over!

Hey, dum-dum, you think
you own the whole freeway?

Look, he's not a dum-dum.
He's a leprechaun.

'Hey, shorty, does your mother
know you have the car?'

Oh, brother.

- Hey, sailor.

What are you doing, buddy?

Hey, what's happening?

- 'Learn how to drive, buddy.'
- 'Grow up, man.'

'Why don't you
take up the freeway?'

'Hey, big boy!'

'Why don't you
learn how to drive?'

Come on!

Breaker, breaker.
This is Memphis Moe.

Any smokeys listening?

'Two kids playing tag
with another car on I-10'

'in Arlington. Over.'

15 7-Adam. Mary-3 and 4,
what's your 10

'Mary-3 and 4 at 51st
and Jefferson.'

Uh, I got a CB call on
a possible reckless

westbound I-10 at Arlington.

How about an assist?

10-4, 7-Adam.

Hey, my partner!
My partner!

Are you okay?

Alright, folks. Just get back
in your vehicles, please.

Let's clear the freeway.

Come on, folks.
Step on it, please. Go.

Alright, let' break it up over
here. Get back to your vehicles.

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Alright.

Come on. Let's go.

Boy, you guys got here fast.

- Hey.
- Let's check them out, Ponch.

Come on.

Okay, what happened?

He wouldn't
get out of the way.

We were just trying to pass.

Yeah. We didn't
do nothing wrong.

People hurt, cars wrecked!
What do you call nothing?

'Reckless driving
with injuries is a heavy rap.'

While you're
thinking that one over

think of how lucky you are

you didn't
get anyone killed.

'Let's go.'

Alright. Go down in there. Step
down, hands on top of your head.

You, uh, feeling
any better, O'Hara?

I'm gonna get the blame.

This time, I'm really
going to get it.

Not according to the witnesses
and we have several.

What do they know how I felt?

Oh, I see who
the tears are for.

It's not what other
people think.

It's what's inside of
James O'Hara, isn't it?

Officer, I'm a successful man.

Alright, then give yourself
some credit, would you?

And quit blaming yourself
for your size!

Oh, and, uh..

...give us
tall guys a break, would ya?

Come on.

I can't believe the day
is only half gone.

I'm sorry, Heather.

Tonight's not
my night for dancing.

I should have
broken off our date.

We don't have to
dance all the time.

We can talk.

We haven't done much of that.

We haven't done any of that.

Okay. Let's think of something.

I don't want to
bore you, Heather.

Is something wrong?

I know you're tired.

Would you rather take me home?

Okay, look.

You're a beautiful looking lady.

You dance like a dream

but people need
more than one thing in common.

I have a variety of interests

and I enjoy
a good conversation--

And dumb girls are a drag.

Now, I didn't say that.

I know. You're sweet
and I'm really glad.

You know, the other night

when you asked
about the energy crisis?

I almost cut loose. Well,
not on the crisis, per se.

But I mean, the shortage
of fuel is only prodromal.

'The implications are
staggering, right?'

- 'Like biospheric regression.'

It's only one theory
and maybe you don't buy it.

Oh. Oh, that depends.

'I know we can't
return to Camelot'

'but...well, requirements
relate directly to mechanics.'

Like, the horse,
as a source of energy

was a great innovation
to the Scythians.

Or was it the Hittites?

- 'Heather--'
- The Scythians, I guess.

Yeah, whichever ones
domesticated it.

Heather, why didn't
you talk the other night?

Well, I've discovered
that most men shy away

from intellectual trips
with their dates.

They prefer girls
that are cute, simple..

...laugh and dance a lot.

And you played that act on me?

Yes.

You're a policeman.

I guess I had you
stereotyped, Ponch.

You do have a bit
of a macho look.

I don't.

You do.

I do?

If you want to talk
about movies

there's a Bogart film
on TV tonight.

Oh..

Now I know what to do with
that wine I got at home.

Great.

She memorized most
of the dialogue

from all the old Bogart movies.

Yeah, well. Might be
able to use that.

Got to give Grossman credit.

You know, things are not
always what they seem.

Give you credit, too, partner.

Heather is special.

- Different and unique.
- Right.

Like that Ford
that a church leased

and the church is closed.

Trying to get my mind
back on business, huh?

Like The Divine Gospel.

I mean, how many places
have that name?

Only the church.

Not only the church?

I did a little
research last night.

Of course, it wasn't
as interesting as yours, but..

...I found a Divine Gospel
company right near the church.

Yeah, what kind
of company is it?

I know you thought
I'd never ask.

Five million dollars.

Printed, cut
and banded in two days.

That's a record
we can't tell Guinness about.

But we did it.

Yeah. Now let's
deliver it to the man!

No, no, no.
You ride up in front with dad.

I always ride in the back.

Not this time.

Oh, you don't trust me, huh?

Exactly.
Get up in front.

Well, let's go in.

If the guy who
was driving the Ford

is in there, I'll know him.

We can't, Ponch.
Jurisdiction awards.

We're here to back
the secret service.

Besides, Genelli.

He's going to be here
in three or four minutes.

Hey, Jon,
I'm stuck with the 60 bucks.

I want those guys..

That's him,
the guy from the Ford.

Dear lord,
they are on our tail.

Relax, dad.
It's just coincidence.

Your faith sustains me, son.

Oh, my nerves
are not fit for this.

I'm not used
to outright larceny

all my life
I've always just preached up

all the money I want.

The church is gone, dad.
Just keep your mind on driving.

Dear heaven,
he's going to pull us over.

Don't panic, it might just be

we've got a brake light
out or something.

Oh, no, son. The hounds
of hell are on our heels.

We have to make a run for it.

Dad! Don't!

Don't!

'"Trust in me sayeth the lord'

'and ye shall be made safe."'

This is a shopping center.
You'll get us killed!

Fear not.
Life everlasting shall be yours.

Women and children shall have
my special protection

sayeth the Lord.

'Dad! Don't hit it!'

No!

Alright. Get out
of the vehicle.

Get out.

Turn around,
and put your hands on your head.

What is that Divine Gospel?

The gospel is the truth.

Truth is the word

and the divine word, my dear..

...is money.

Okay, step out of here.

Keep your hands up.

Put your hands on your head.

- It was in our jurisdiction.
- Sure it was.

We would have
waited for Genelli.

But then we saw
the speeding van--

Yeah, it was a traffic violation

not the counterfeit,
that was a five million bonus.

- Right.
- Hey.

- Hey, Grossie!

Still can't believe it.

This little old lady was
stopped along the road

hood up, she was
looking at her engine.

And you stopped to help her
and got hit by a truck?

I stopped to help her
and got hit by her.

Oh, no. Please.

In the head with her purse
and in my shin with her foot.

Turns out, that little motherly
thing was driving a stolen car.

Reminds me of something
my grandfather used to say.

Oh, now, Ponch,
don't throw that back at me.

Yeah, the guy's in pain.

Oh, come on, Grossie,
you don't even know

what Ponch was going to say.

Yeah, you only know what
it seemshe's going to say.

Things in life
are, uh, seldom what they seem.

Hey, that's what
my grandfather used to say.