CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 2, Episode 6 - Trick or Trick - full transcript

This is one day in the year I
don't mind working an overlap shift.

- Yeah, I know, you dig Halloween.
- I love it.

Ghosts, hobgoblins, things
that go bump in the night.

I'm surprised you didn't
wear a costume to work.

I did and so did you.

I was due on the set
in exactly three minutes.

That's why I was speeding.

Don't you realize you
could have killed somebody?

I'm sorry.

It was a pretty
stupid thing to do.

Can I see your
driver's license, please?



Yeah, sure.

- Those cats gonna be in a movie?
- Oh, yeah.

It's one of those horror jobs.

They're the killers.
Or they were.

Would you mind if
I try to catch him?

I promise I won't
try to run away.

Yeah, go ahead.

Here, kitty, kitty. Kitty,
here, kitty. Here, kitty.

You know how many of
those things ran in front of me?

You're not
superstitious, are you?

Come on, Jon. You
know me better than that.

I started out with 13 and
I end up with only one.

- You started out with how many?
- Thirteen.

Why?



No reason.

Just asking.

I've just got time to grab
a shave before briefing.

If you're late, I'll make
the usual apologies.

Happy Halloween.

And a happy Halloween to you.

You see what I just did?

Yeah, well, it's a good
thing you're not superstitious.

Good afternoon, men.

Hi, Grossie. What's in
the bag? Your lunch?

Nope. Guess again.

Apple for the teacher?

Even better.

Voilà.

You'll note the resemblance,
of course, to our fearless leader.

Grossie, if the sergeant notes
that, you're gonna be in trouble.

Ah!

- What did you do?
- I nicked myself.

With an electric
razor? That's not easy.

So far today he's ran with 13
black cats, walked under a ladder...

and now this.

Superstitious nonsense.

On the contrary, as a student
of the occult, I find it fascinating.

You would.

Well, Ponch isn't superstitious,
so, what difference does it make?

Right. What difference
does it make?

Well, I'm glad you
feel that way, Ponch...

because if I were
you, I'd be worried.

Briefing in two minutes.

I'll be there.

Tonight, in addition to
your normal freeway beats...

you'll be responsible for patrolling
the adjacent surface streets as well.

Now, quite frankly, I'd rather see you get
the witches and the goblins home safely...

than write a fistful of cites.

What about the hobgoblin, sarge?

Well, I'm glad you
asked that, Baricza...

because tonight I am treating
the hobgoblin as a separate item.

Which brings me to
the point I wish to make.

The radio is to be used
for official business only.

Now, I will explain for the
benefit of any new men present.

Sergeant?

- Cahill?
- Policepersons.

I'll explain for the benefit of
any new policepersons present.

We have a joker in our midst.

On Halloween, he or
she thinks it's funny...

to broadcast certain
original material.

Now, I don't happen to care
for my very own hobgoblin...

so this year, I plan to
do something about it.

Which is my way of telling
the hobgoblin to think twice...

before he or she takes the air.

Okay, that's it.

Wait a minute. Check signals.

- Whose is this thing?
- I made it, sarge. For you.

You call this a jack-o'-lantern?
Where's the candle?

You can't have a jack-o'-lantern
without a candle inside it.

Get one.

- You got a candle?
- No, you?

- No.
- I do.

In my locker.

Now, listen, what
are you doing with...?

Never mind. I don't
even wanna know.

Well? What do you think?

It's not bad, hon.

It gets better. Watch.

Wow.

You look like death warmed over.
Nobody will ever recognize you.

That's the idea, isn't it?

All right, let's see
the whole thing now.

I wish I'd have never
let you talk me into this.

Honey, when I married you,
I said for better or for worse.

Now, we need that money.

You want those goons
to break your other arm?

Now, look, we're
lucky. It's Halloween.

Nobody will think twice
about someone in a costume.

Come on, Eddie.

Tomorrow you can pay those
sharks off and we can start fresh.

Look on the bright side.

You are a good lady.

I know.

Get your time for the
hobgoblin broadcast.

It's fun, it's free, it's easy.

Baricza. Cahill-person.

Ponch.

There you go, Jon.

Pretty organized there, Grossie.

Simple plan, well organized.
That's the key to my success.

Yeah, well, good luck tonight.

And good luck to you, my friend.

Step right up and get
your hobgoblin times.

So I get to play
hobgoblin at 11:30 tonight.

Oh, I'm early.

I'm at 6:15.

Trick or treat, officer.

You got me, son.

Well, what's it gonna
be? Trick or treat?

Uh, you're about
three blocks too early.

See me later, okay?

No treat, then it's
gotta be a trick.

Now, that wasn't very nice, son.

Not even on Halloween.

- Gonna arrest me?
- Oh, I don't know.

What do you think, partner?
Should we put the handcuffs on him?

Come on, Tommy. Let's go.

The old water-pistol-
filled-with-perfume trick.

Hey, Ponch...

- would you do me a favor?
- Yeah.

Ride downwind.

All I wanna know is, why me?

I live right, I'm
kind to old ladies.

Well, you hassle black
cats, walk under ladders...

and you cut yourself shaving.

- Did I tell you about the mirror?
- No, what about it?

Don't ask.

Hey, do we have to take the
entire lawn? I'm getting nervous.

He emptied my entire
pool, didn't he? Fair is fair.

Yeah. By next year, if you're smart, you're
gonna sell your house and leave town.

That could be, but this was too
good an opportunity to pass up.

I've seen a lot of sod being put
down, but never any being taken up.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

That ought to take care
of last year and then some.

Remind me, man, never
to play a joke on you.

Uh-oh. There's two cops
coming up behind us.

- You think they're after us?
- Who else?

So stop. It was only a
joke, we'll explain it to them.

Might have been a joke
to us, but not to them.

Don't do it. You're
gonna get us killed.

This baby's got
power. I can lose them.

- That's enough. Stop this thing.
- Not on your life, buddy.

Hey, you're crazy, Reed. We're in
a truck and they're on motorcycles.

They haven't caught us yet.

Keep the faith, pal.

Just a Halloween prank,
fellas. No crime intended.

Prank, huh? Fifty miles an
hour through a residential area?

You guys got some
sense of humor.

My friend here panicked, officer.
I assure you, it was just a prank.

Last year, the guy that owns
that house drained my pool.

It was a year ago
tonight, Halloween.

Now, you can't blame a
guy for trying to get even.

I can't, huh?

Let's see what your friend says.

This ought to do it
until midnight, huh?

Yeah, I should think so.

If you get hungry, speak up.

You the one who threatened
to put my son in jail?

The kid who squirted
me with perfume.

Yeah, my son, Tommy
Stone. He's run away.

Julie here told me
what happened.

He said he didn't wanna
wear handcuffs or go to jail.

Hey, look, I'm sorry, but
I was just joking with him.

Fat lot of good that does now.

Well, look, have you
reported him missing?

Just now.

Well, every officer in the area
will be looking. He'll be found.

The very idea, telling a little kid that
you're gonna put handcuffs on him.

What's the matter
with you two anyway?

Now, wait a minute, mister.

On Halloween there's a lot of kids
that should be escorted by an adult.

If you would have been there, this might
not have happened. And it was a joke.

Yeah, you know, like
perfume in a water gun.

Yeah, well, it may have been a
joke to you two, but not to my son.

Now he's run away and
you're the cause of it.

Hey, kids, you got a minute?

Listen, you kids happen
to know Tommy Stone?

Yes, sir. We all know him.

Have you seen him in
the last 15 minutes or so?

We haven't seen him
at all today. Have we?

- Mm-mm.
- If you see him, tell him to go home...

because his mom and dad
are really worried about him.

Oh, yeah. Speaking about adults, you
kids should have brought one along tonight.

Come on over here.

- There you go, son.
- What are you, some kind of wise guy?

- Huh?
- They brought an adult along.

Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

- I didn't realize...
- It's okay.

No hard feelings.
Trick or treat.

A treat, for everybody.

Listen, if you kids see Tommy
Stone, be sure and tell him to go home.

Be Careful Watch out,
the hobgoblin's near

To warn you of sergeants
Who approach from the rear

Who's that?

Oh, that's the highway
patrol's very own hobgoblin.

- Got your own ghost?
- You guys for real?

He's just pretending.
That's a policeman.

- All right. Time to go, kids.
- Goodbye.

- Bye.
- All right.

You heard that broadcast?

- Wasn't us, sarge.
- I know.

I had you under
surveillance from the corner.

You found that missing kid yet?

He's too young to have gone
very far. We figure he's hiding.

Oh, and by the way, Poncherello,
that aftershave you're using?

Change it.

You know, my luck
must be changing.

Yeah? What makes you think so?

Well, it was my time to
play hobgoblin, but I forgot.

I wonder who's
filling in for me.

Who else? Grossie.

Remind me to speak
to him about his poetry.

Um. Hey, Paula,
we've got company.

I've almost got it. Another sec.

You haven't got another second.

Hello, officers. Nice evening.

Oh, nuts.

Hello, ladies. Having fun?

I can explain. You see,
we're on this scavenger hunt...

- and we have a list of things and...
- And, well, on the list is a street sign.

Yeah, well, that
sign is city property.

Come on, jump down.

Straight into the
arms of the law.

Now, that wasn't bad, was it?

- No, no, it wasn't. Thank you.
- My pleasure.

We were going to
return the sign tomorrow.

You believe me, don't you?

As a matter of fact, yeah, I do.

Well, not only that. The sign is still in
place, so there's no real harm done, is there?

Well, see, it's not that simple.

There's still intent.

- Right, partner?
- Oh, yes. Definitely.

Look, if you promise to
forget the scavenger hunt...

or at least this part of it...

I suppose we can
overlook intent.

Oh, yeah, well, maybe
just this once, I suppose.

Tell you what, fellas. How would
you like to come to a party later tonight?

See why this is
my favorite holiday?

Whew! Looks even
more spooky tonight.

Yeah, I remember well...

on Halloween, haunted
houses seemed twice as spooky.

How come they don't
tear the old place down?

I don't know. Neighborhood
wouldn't be the same.

Well, I'll tell you, partner,
this is one great place...

not to be on Halloween.

You can't tag back. - Who said?

You're it. You're it now.

- You're it.
- No, you're it.

Now, you sure you want
me to wait that far away?

We've gone over this
time and time again.

All anyone is gonna remember seeing
is a ghost running down the street.

Here's your change.

Thank you.

Good evening.

- Have you found what you're looking for?
- It depends, darling.

On what?

On whether or not you believe
I've got Mace in this thing.

Now, if you don't,
just say the word...

and I guarantee you'll
end up flat on the floor.

I believe you, I believe you.

Look, just don't hurt me, okay?

- I've got a...
- I know, you got a wife and kids.

I know all about them.

Put the money in the sack.

Every man who's ever been
held up has a wife and kids.

It's common knowledge
among us crooks.

Now, just follow me.

Right this way.

That's right. Now...

come right over here. That's it.

You stand right
here, turn around...

and stay put.

Happy Halloween.

Did you see that?

Yeah, fastest ghost in the West.

Help, police!

Wait, wait!

I've just been
robbed by a ghost!

Down there.

Boy.

- Boy, oh, boy.
- There you go.

- You all right? You hurt?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

Did you see it?

The most beautiful
thing I ever saw.

A pink elephant
in a white nightie.

When eavesdropping sergeants

Are around and about

Your alert hobgoblin
says over and out.

Grossie better watch it.

Getraer's gonna
be closing in on him.

If Grossie is half as smart
as our pink elephant in p.j.'s...

Getraer hasn't got a chance.

What are...? What are you do...?
Are you all right? What are you...?

Where were you two minutes
ago? We could have used you.

- What's the trouble? WOMAN:
This woman pulled up in her car...

jumped out, grabbed a bag of
candy from the kids and tore off.

- Did you see what kind of car it was?
- Oh, a small car.

But what difference does it
make? She must be miles away.

Well, maybe and maybe not, but
we'll keep our eyes open, all right?

- Who lost their candy?
- I did. She stole it from me.

Come here, skeleton.

Come here.

Dig on in, grab a couple of
handfuls. It's candy. Good stuff.

All right.

- Come on, kids.
- Go ahead, kids. Take some.

That's really nice
of you. Thank you.

We have enough?

One thousand and
twenty-two dollars.

Hey, we did it.
We actually did it.

Honey, I love you.

After you pay
those goons 1000...

we'll have $22 left over.

I've seen that look
before. I don't like it.

Look, you're off the hook...

nobody's gonna break
any of your bones...

but we still do
need eating money.

Who don't we make sure
we have some insurance?

Some extra cash.

Susan, we've got away
with it so far. It can't last.

Sure, it can. One more
time, for our future.

We'll take enough for a couple
of weeks until you get a job.

One more, please?

All right. This is the
last one. You promise?

Promise.

The hobgoblin's warning

To patrolmen out there:

Remember the schedule,
This just isn't fair.

Forgot, it's my
turn to broadcast.

Everybody must be busy
tonight except Grossman.

Well, we better have a look.

We've checked every place
else out in the neighborhood.

If Tommy Stone is holed
up in this place, I'll say this:

The kid has more guts than
I had when I was his age.

Yeah, well, think about it.

I mean, if it were
Halloween, which it is...

and you were a little kid
who didn't wanna be found...

where would you go and hide?

If I were a kid, I wouldn't
be caught dead in here.

Well, at least it wasn't black.

What happened?

Just put my foot
through the floor up there.

Tommy?

What a mess.

You gonna arrest me?

No.

No, Tommy, no. We're
gonna take you home.

- Officer?
- Yeah?

Will you be mad if I
tell you something?

No, of course not. What?

You smell funny.

Think they came
back and took it?

That's exactly what I think.

Well, in that case, I say
they had a lot of moxie.

In that case, we
could skip the party...

because I don't wanna spend the
whole night cataloguing stolen goods.

Now, wait a minute.

They're innocent
until proven guilty.

I say we give them the
benefit of the doubt...

- and go to the party.
- You talked me into it.

Your hobgoblin's peeved

As he fades out of sight

Because his pals let him
down On this Halloween night.

You know, it sounds to me like Grossie's
a little upset. What do you think?

You gotta hand it to him,
though, he got away with it again.

Hey, Ponch.

Can't wait to hear
what this is all about.

Hey, Ponch.

Well, I knew it had to be
some time. Come in, gentlemen.

Look, we're gonna get right to
the point. What's this all about?

Well, it's not some overdeveloped sweet
tooth, if that's what you're thinking.

Well, there goes my theory.

I lost something...

and the thing I lost is
in some kid's candy bag.

A kid dressed like a skeleton?

Yesterday at a lovely luncheon, my fiancé
gave me this beautiful engagement ring.

It was loose.

When you've waited
26 years for a diamond...

when you get one, you wear it.

- I'm beginning to get the picture.
- He will be so upset.

He wanted to take it back to
the jeweler and I said no way.

Once it is on the finger,
it's never coming off.

And you thought you lost the ring
while giving candy out, is that it?

The last time I
remember seeing it...

was just before some kid dressed
in a skeleton suit came to my door.

You scared a lot
of kids tonight, lady.

You should have
called the police for help.

There's no time,
gentlemen, no time.

He is due here at any
minute. We're going to a party.

Or we were.

Before you passed out candy,
you had to reach in here, didn't you?

Oh, my Lord, I
never thought of that.

- What do you say we have a look?
- Oh, could I? Would you mind?

Just... Just let me do it.

Please, oh, please let it be
here. Please let it be here.

- One last chance, please. Somewhere.
- Let me help you.

It's got to be here, please
be there somewhere.

Anywhere.

- Is this it?
- Oh!

Oh, you... You blessed man.

Oh, thank you.

Look, if I was you, I'd get that
sized first thing in the morning.

Aren't you going to arrest me?

Well, look, we haven't had
any formal complaints as of yet...

but maybe you better
keep your fingers crossed.

If you're
superstitious, that is.

Personally, I'm not.

To all units, a 2-1 1 just
occurred at the market...

corner of Whitsett
and Capistrano.

Suspect is female, dressed in
white and wearing ghost makeup.

Last seen running south
on Capistrano from Whitsett.

Units responding, identif y.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4 turning
north on Capistrano from Haynes.

10-4, 7 Mary 3 and 4.

- I told you we were pushing our luck.
- Never mind. Move this thing.

Come on. Catch this one.

Catch this down low there.

- Come out with your hands up.
- I can't.

I think I got two broken arms.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Okay, get out.

Put your hands up.

If it hadn't been for those dumb
kids, we'd have still been honking.

Yeah, lady. Happy Halloween.

Hi there, come on in.

Karen and I thought you
guys weren't gonna show.

This is my favorite night,
and the night is still young.

You guys are late.

Some people you may
know are already here.

Come on, let's join the party.

If you guys hadn't
gotten here...

we would have lost
the scavenger hunt.

Incidentally, about that sign, you
know, we felt that the intent was...

I told you they'd
think we took it.

Somebody else took it.

But we'll never tell.

How did you do in the scavenger hunt?
- We won.

Every team was supposed
to bring in one police officer...

but our team has two.

Can I buy you guys a drink?

- Ladies?
- Sure.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Drink up, don't be shy.
- Thank you.

For you. Jon.

- Oh, thank you.
- There you go.

Listen, did you catch
the hobgoblin, sarge?

Uh... Yes. Could I have
your attention, please?

With the kind permission
of the hostesses...

I would like to propose a
toast to the members of my shift.

Hear, hear.

Um...

To Sindy Cahill

Whom it would seem

Neglected to broadcast at 8:15.

And to good Jon Baker

Who plain forgot

Which makes his
life a happier lot.

And poor Frank Poncherello

Who missed his turn

And left poor Grossman
To make me burn.

And to Artie Grossman

Who planned the ball

Then goofed in a
fashion That cost him all.

As he wrote out the times
on a pad at the station

on the page beneath

he left an impression.

So help me, friends,
in a glass of wine

As I toast the demise
Of a friend of mine.

The highway patrol's very
own Halloween Hobgoblin.

Happy Halloween.