CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 1, Episode 21 - Crack-Up - full transcript

- Hey, forget it, Ponch.
- No way.

If I owe you 20 bucks,
I'll pay you 20 bucks.

I just don't remember the loan.

Why did I need the money?

You were broke.

You're a lot of help.

When did this thought hit you?

First thing this morning,
the minute I woke up.

I think it was a dream.

No, you borrowed the 20 bucks.

'I don't remember when
or for what.'



But it'll come to me, alright.
Just forget it for now.

Man, this grinder is really hot.
Beat you to the station.

There's no way, now,
the last time we tried that

I won the race
and lost my driver's license.

Okay, chicken.
Puck, puck, puck.

'Follow me, if you can.'

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[engine revving]

[sirens wailing]

[wailing continues]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[crashes]



[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

[dramatic music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[female #1 on radio]
'Attention all units,
15, 7-Mary-4'

'advises CHP motor officer down
near Willow and Garvey.'

'Eleven-41 is rolling.'

'Fifteen S-4, central monitor,
do you copy?'

[intense music]

Uh, gentlemen, you'll have
to wait here, please.

[music continues]

Has anybody been
looking for me?

No, man.
Hey, what happened?

I had to ditch the car.

You ditched it?

Man, they'll check
the license plates, and then--

I know that, Ray.
I reported it stolen.

We're cool as long
as we stick together.

I don't get it.

We cover for each other,
we worked at your car

over at your place,
then we both came to work here.

'If we stick to that story,
we're in the clear.'

Yeah, unless they
got my license number.

Well, I don't think
they got close enough

and if they did,
we'll think of something, okay?

Yeah, alright.

Let me ask you a question,
why did you ditch the car?

Those cops, man, they completely
wrecked the front end

'and I don't know what else.'

You know how many extra hours I
worked to get that rod together?

No, I wasn't countin'.

Listen, it's not gonna help
getting mad at the cops.

Rotten cops, man.

They've been messing up my life
ever since I can remember.

I've had it with cops, man.

I'm not taking it anymore.

I'm gettin' even.

[intense music]

- What's the word?
- Uh, we're waiting.

Firebird was reported
stolen this morning.

Yeah, a half hour
after Jon hit it.

Owner's been with a friend
all day. His alibi checks out.

- I'm sure.
- How is he, doc?

About as well
as can be expected today.

Well, how well can we
expect him to be today?

About as well as he is.

Hi, Baker.

Hey, Jon.

Hi.

How do you feel?

I feel fine. I'm okay.
Didn't he tell you?

Did he tell you?

Listen, I only banged up
my ribs, that's all.

You know that old joke,
hurts when you laugh?

Say, Jon, uh,
I'm gonna cut out, buddy.

Just remember,
no need to cover for us.

You're gonna be
alright, pal, okay?

- Yeah, sure.
- 'Hey, Baricza.'

- Yeah?
- Take his helmet.

Sure, sir.

Doc, what exactly
is his condition?

- Perfectly stable.
- What does that mean?

Stable means unchanged.

- Unchanged from what?
- We're not sure.

Hey, come on, doc.
What's this all about?

You said,
I'd be going back on duty.

I said you might be
going back sometime soon.

I've been here three hours.
I mean, I can go home..

[groans]

Alright, alright.
I got it.

Listen, if it's rest,
I can rest at home.

Look, you're better off
here until they're sure

they know what's
wrong with you.

I'm sure..

Listen, don't you guys
think I'd know if I was hurt?

Not necessarily.

Internal injuries
don't always show up right away.

We don't want you
to walk out of here

and then fold up
with a subdural hematoma

'or a ruptured spleen.'

'Kidney or liver damage.'

'That's what
observation's all about.'

We watch the patient
for the symptoms.

Yeah, we don't wanna
get you on your bike

and then have you
pass out, huh?

Listen, I told you guys,
it only hurts when I laugh.

I'm gonna give you
some soundmedical advice.

Try not to laugh.

Yeah.

Uh..

Jon, can you, uh,
give us a description

of the driver
that sandbagged you?

No.

Yeah, well, look, uh,
we better get going.

We'll let you rest..

...in peace, huh?

[Jon]
'Hey, sarge..'

...thanks for coming.

You bet.

Listen, I'll check
back after work.

Now, you take it easy.

Oh, this is ridiculous.
I hate hospitals.

- Jon.
- Jon!

- Doctor!
- Doctor.

- Doctor!
- I can handle it.

[Getraer]
'Doctor!'

What happened?

Tried to get out
of bed and he collapsed.

He got up and passed out cold.

Do you feel nauseous?

No, I..

...was trying to get to
my feet too fast, I got dizzy.

If it turns out
you have a problem

you're not helping things.

In other words,
stay in bed. Right, doc?

Gentlemen, you have precisely
30 seconds to say your goodbyes.

Look, Jon, do yourself
a favor and stay put, huh?

Listen, if you need anything
that doesn't cost

over a buck and a half,
let me know.

Hey, you owe me 20.

Hey, the memory isn't all gone.

That's a good sign, Baker.

Time's up.

Come on, Ponch.

Hey, Ponch?

Yeah?

Listen, you're gonna be
out there without me

so don't do anything..

[chuckles]

...you know.

You mean dumb, right?

Yeah.

Don't worry.

I guess I'll ride alone
for a change.

There's a change, Frank,
uh, but you don't ride alone.

I got a partner?

You do now.

Mount up.

You mean, me and you?

You got it.

Anything we should
discuss, Frank?

Well, no.
Just routine, I guess.

With Jon and me,
it's automatic.

I usually know
what he's thinking.

Well, we'll get used
to each other.

[instrumental music]

[engine cranking]

Uh, so much for
the mental telepathy, huh?

Hollywood Freeway, south,
Vermont on-ramp, huh?

You got it.

[intense music]

You must be in terrible shape.

Your doctor said
I could visit you.

- I'm Wanda Lang.
- I'm Jon Baker.

I caught your entrance
this morning.

If your act is half
that good, you'll be a smash.

Yeah, well, uh,
I'm doing fine.

I'll be okay.

They tell me you're just here
for the, uh, stripper's delight.

The what?

Observation.

Yeah.

Well, counting my husband

that's make three of us.

He's down the hall.
I'm upstairs.

He have an accident too?

Right.

I'm gonna change
the name of the act.

I can see it on the marquee now,
"Speedy Lang and Me."

Wait a minute,
you're in show business?

We were. In Vaudeville,
not that you'd remember.

Do you want me to crank you up?

I beg your pardon?

The bed, you'll be
more comfortable.

It's..

Okay. Thank you.

You know, I'm surprised
you're in here alone.

They worry about empty beds.

It might mean
a health epidemic.

[chuckling]

Are you really worried
about yourself?

No. I just have
a phobia about hospitals.

Don't tell 'em. They'll keep
you here and treat it.

[groans]

I'm sorry. It's my ribs.

I know nothing else is wrong..

Anyway, I thought
nothing else was.

I know, then your
friends came in.

Yeah, and then
the doctor comes in

and starts telling you
about the internal injuries.

- Oh, spleen?
- Yeah.

- Liver?
- Right.

I think he keeps 'em
in bottles.

I just love young people.

They haven't heard my jokes.

[laughing]

I better go before
I say something funny

and crack you up entirely.

Hey, uh, excuse me.

I'm not as worried as I was.

Well, laughter is
the best medicine of all.

Yeah.

After penicillin.

[laughs]

Right.

[laughing]

[sighs]

[intense music]

- Want some lunch?
- Nah.

I just wanna
finish this job.

I'll take the truck,
get us some burgers.

[music continues]

[engine cranking]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[siren wailing]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

[siren wailing]

What's going on? Grossman?

We brought you company.

What happened?
How bad is he?

He got sandbagged
by a tow truck.

Hey, how you feeling, huh?

Ah, feeling alright. Wish you'd
get me out of this place.

Gentlemen. Out, out, out.

Out.

Take it easy,
Grossman, huh?

Hey, Gross.

Grossman!

It's a jungle out there, pal.

Yeah.

It sure is.

I don't know. Two hit-and-runs.
Two officers down.

No witnesses.

It's pretty coincidental,
don't you think?

Well, don't take it
to heart, Frank

but I think I agree with you.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Frank, we both have
a lot on our minds

but the academy gave you
a solution to all problems.

It's called
going by the book.

'It takes
the emotional qualities'

'out of your solutions.'

I remember, sarge.

Well, that's very good.

You see, I go by the book

so all you have to do
is watch me, alright?

[door opens]

I was only kidding
about the empty bed.

Is he hurt, sick or both?

Ah, he's meditating.

Wanda Lang,
this is Artie Grossman.

He's a highway patrolman.

Oh, two of you together.

That reminds me of the time
I had a police escort.

They let me run
between two motorcycles.

[laughing]

How's the soup?

Mm.

What flavor
is it supposed to be?

It's neutral.

[Wanda]
'The chef lost the bone.'

The tastiest thing left
is the tongue depressor.

[laughing]

I got a winner for you
on the third it's Santa Anita.

This horse hates the jockey.

He'll be trying
to get away from him.

[laughs]

You know, there were two hippies
listening to a priest

tell about how he broke
his arm in a bathtub.

And one hippie
says to the other

"What's a bathtub?"

The other hippie says,
"How should I know?

I'm not Catholic."

[Wanda laughing]

- You're not eating.
- Sorry.

Loss of appetite is not abnormal
under the circumstances.

How would you like
a nice rubdown?

Terrific, that'd really help.

Hugo?

A rubdown for
Officer Grossman, please.

Enjoy.

[Wanda laughing]

Get in.

No. No, please,
not the children.

Why? So you can keep 'em away
from me? Nobody takes my kids.

[intense music]

[engine cranking]

Nobody keeps my kids from me.

Nobody!

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[car honking]

LA 15, S-4 and 7-Mary-4

in pursuit of reckless vehicle

eastbound Santa Monica at Bundy.

[female #1 on radio]
'All units stand by'

'15 S-4 and 7-Mary-4
in pursuit'

'eastbound Santa Monica
Freeway from Bundy.'

[car honks]

Please, Daddy.
I'm scared.

[car honks]

Please, daddy.
Please, stop, please.

LA 15, S-4 and 7-Mary-4

'in pursuit of suspect's
station wagon.'

Roll one squad car
for assistance.

[female #1 on radio]
'Is there a car unit
in position'

'to assist S-4 and 7-Mary-4?'

'The suspect's vehicle
is a station wagon.'

I'm gonna get in front of him
and try to slow him down.

Negative, Frank.
He'll stop when he's ready.

He might kill those kids.

[engine revving]

[dramatic music]

What are you doing,
Frank? Speed up.

Come up beside him
so he doesn't turn on me.

Negative, Frank. Speed up.

I need some assistance,
partner. Come up beside him.

[music continues]

I never did anything
like that in my life.

I guess I flipped out.

Step out of the vehicle, please.

Turn around and put
your hands on your head.

[Getraer]
'Kids, you wanna step out?'

God, are you alright?

Okay, you wanna
take care of him, Baricza?

Step over here, Frank.

I gave you an order.

You heard it and ignored it.

Don't give me any garbage
about your receiver cutting out.

You won't obey your superiors

and you refuse
to follow procedure.

I figured that was
procedure, sarge

like a...a hostage situation.

High profile,
encourage a safe surrender.

Using an 800-pound bike
to slow down a 4000-pound car?

You call that procedure?
You call that safe?

Maybe resourceful is better.

Poncherello.

I don't know how many
of these hot-dog stunts

Baker's been
covering up for you

'but I'm telling you
for the last time'

I won't allow it.

You understand that?
Is that clear?

Perfectly, sarge.

You're absolutely right.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Frank.

[instrumental music]

Alright, open your eyes.

You and your partner
were on patrol.

[male #1]
'You sighted
two speeding cars.'

'Can you recall
anything that happened'

'immediately prior to that?'

We were talking..

...about a loan.

Good.

Replay the conversation
in your mind.

'You and your partner talk.'

'You see the two cars racing.'

You accelerate,
speeding after them.

Hi.

Hey, the 20 bucks
that I loaned you?

It was a ten, a five, four ones
and some pocket change.

Now, don't tell me
you don't remember that.

I'd like to try this again
under controlled conditions.

You alright now?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[snaps]

Hi, guys.

How you doing, Grossman?

Did you bring
anything to eat?

See you're feeling better.

Yeah, he loves it here.

He's acting like an intern
ever since he came outta shock.

I was comatose,
not in shock.

Ribs look fine.

I was concerned
about the clavicle

and the upper sternum.

That's where the pain
is localized.

- You don't mind me helping out?
- 'Oh, no.'

It's just unusual
though for a patient

to insist on seeing his x-rays.

Some physicians resent
a second opinion.

Listen, when are you
gonna get me outta here?

Hey, Jon, I'm sorry
the hypnotherapy didn't work.

I was hoping you'd give us
a description of the driver.

I can recall every detail.

Was there anything
you didn't put in your report?

No, just the acid-etched image
of that chain snaking toward me.

If you'd just give us
the license number.

Maybe we should try
hypnosis on you.

It's been tried before.

It doesn't work.

Okay, we'll check
with you later.

- Listen, you need anything?
- Yeah.

How about a uniform and a motor?

- Uh-uh.
- I could use some Fig Newtons.

You sense any hostility
towards Getraer?

Getraer? Why?

He's assumed your
relationship with Ponch.

You must feel some resentment.

Hey, why don't you just shut up?

Redirected hostility.

These attacks are unprovoked..

...and unexplained.

Now, Officer Grossman has
given us an MO to watch for

but that doesn't mean
that the tow truck's

the only thing that
we have to worry about.

There's reason to believe
that the driver's the same one

who used the Firebird
to trap Officer Baker.

[Getraer]
'I don't have to tell you that
we're high visibility targets'

'so, uh, please,
until we nail this guy'

'use extra caution.'

'And check your motors
before you mount.'

'If you see anything that
looks dangerous or suspicious'

'assume that it's dangerous.'

Okay.

[instrumental music]

Did the Langs go home? I haven't
seen Wanda this morning.

Wanda's husband
had a crisis last night.

He's been in surgery
all morning.

Oh, no.

Well, is he gonna make it?

It's touch and go.

She sat with him all night
holding his hand.

You know,
Wanda visits other people and..

...tells jokes and..

...tries to cheer
everybody else up.

Defense mechanism, Jon.

It's a kind of manic
self-deception.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Wanda.

Gee whiz, for a minute
there I thought

you'd suffered a double relapse.

No, nothing like that.

Well, it wouldn't surprise me.
Things are rough all over.

I have this friend who owns
an unpainted furniture store.

Vandals broke in
and painted everything.

[laughs]

This is the first time
I ever worked a wax museum.

Wanda, we know about your
husband. How's he doing?

Thanks, but it's
nothing to cry about.

Come on.

It's okay. He came through.
He's alright.

[sniffles]

What are you crying for, huh?

Well, if you really
wanna know, I'm scared.

Wanda.

Nothing to be scared of, here.

[sniffling]

I know, I know, Jon, oh.

I know, but...he nearly
broke up the act.

We've had so many
years together.

So many great things have
happened, so much fun and..

...all of a sudden..

...the future seemed important.

[Wanda]
'And we're running outta time.'

Seems like we haven't
done anything.

What do you wanna do?

Well, I just wanna
hang on...to him.

First, I wanna get him well

and then I just wanna hang on.

I know him.

[sniffles]

He'll need some reason,
you know what I mean?

Something to look forward to.

Have you ever thought
about going back to work?

Are you kidding? Ha!

My jokes are so old

they've got moss
on the north side.

They're new to me.

Yeah, listen, I could fill
a room full of guys

that never heard 'em before.

Big deal.
A room full of two.

Oh, come on.
We needed you.

[Jon]
'We were down
and you brought us up.'

'Don't you understand
there's places like this'

all over the country
that have people

that can use a laugh.

Huh?

Well, let's see then.

Um, I have this other friend
who's in the garment industry

'and things were so bad,
he decided to commit suicide.'

So, he jumps out the window

and lands on 14 dozen
overcoats that were returned.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Hey, listen.

I got a couple of jobs promised.
I'll need extra parts.

- Could you get 'em for me?
- Got the keys to your heap?

Oh, hey, listen.

Don't hotdog it!

Okay?

[instrumental music]

[intense music]

[engine revving]

[music continues]

[sirens wailing]

[dramatic music]

[tires screeching]

Look out, sarge.

[female #1 on radio]
'15 7-Adam en route
to assist 7-Mary-3.'

After all I said to you

about procedure
and going by the book

that move you made
riding me off

was the most
cockamamie, oddball

shoestring thing to do.

Wrong again, huh?

[chuckles]

How'd you know
he was setting me up?

Sometimes I just
sense these things.

Well, Frank, you picked the
right time to be resourceful.

Sometimes it's the only way.

Exactly. That's why it is
recommended by the book.

'Besides, that's the same way
Jon got dropped.'

[instrumental music]

Okay, Grossie,
keep your spirits up

and, uh, I'll come
and visit you.

Looking forward to it.

Alrighty, Officer Baker,
here we go.

- What's that for?
- You've been released.

- I'm seeing you to the door.
- You got to be kidding me.

I'm gonna be
on a motor in an hour.

No, you won't.
You're off today.

Bow to the system, please.

Or I'll have to send for Hugo.

[Grossman]
'Procedure, Jon.'

The final indignity.

Uh-ha! Sneaking out
on me, weren't you?

Oh, no, I wanted to
see you before I left.

[Wanda laughing]

Well, actually I'm responsible
for your release.

Things are bad out there.

I bought a dog for protection.

Got mugged by a guy
with a bigger dog.

[laughing]

I guess your husband's better?

Well, if you mean better
than nothing, you're close.

Anyway, I plan
on keeping him around.

Well, I'd like
to meet him sometime.

Why not?

When we play at your jail

I'll reserve a number for you.

Wait a minute, you mean
you're going back to work?

Don't blame me.
It was your idea.

Hospitals, jails

any place where
the audience can't escape.

Well, that's wonderful.
You hear that, Grossie?

Break a leg.

- Okay, catch you later.
- See you later, Jon.

You bet.

I think this is where I say,
"Thanks, trooper

for helping a lady through
an emotional traffic jam."

Well, listen, if anyone owes
any thanks around here

it's from me to you.

A curtain line
if I ever heard one.

Okay. I'll see you in jail.

Bye.

Uh..

Bye-bye.

Hey, did you hear the one

about the mother pigeon
that was teaching..

Hey, hey, hey.
Be-be careful.

You're a nervous wreck,
do you know that?

And you're driving me crazy.

- I'm cautious.
- You're paranoid.

And I'm not gonna
put up with it anymore.

They knock off
armored trucks every day.

Don't you read the papers?

This is my last trip
with you. You hear that?

Because I'm, I'm cautious?

The time to be
cautious is outside

when we make the pick up.

That's what
a holdup man would think

he'd figure
we'd be off guard now.

Do you know
what some guys would do

just to get their hands
on these coins?

Will you sit down and shut up?
You're making me jumpy.

- Go on.
- Let me close this thing.

[tires screeching]

Look out!

[crashes]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

C-control 1

this is Unit 9.

We've been hit on the freeway.

It's a mayday.

Are you alright in there?

Hold it, right there.

What's wrong with you?
That's a cop!

He's dressed like a cop.

Now, move out slowly

and keep your hands in sight.

Anyone injured in there?

No one injured.
We're under orders.

We can't come out.

Well, I got my orders too
and you represent

'a distraction
to the motorists.'

I'm calling for a tow truck.

I'll wait outside.

We'll wait here
till we hear from the office.

The radio's out.

Look, if this is a setup,
they'll grab you for a hostage.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Did you ever hear
a a more suspicious guy, huh?

Hey, you'd be
a little hinky too

if you had that much money
to carry around.

Hey, there's a tow truck
coming up behind me.

Looks like you guys
can use one.

What we need
is a psychiatrist.

Those rent-a-cops in there won't
believe this isn't an hold up.

And their radio is out, so they
can't reach the dispatcher.

So, what do we do?

Maybe you look more
like a policeman than we do.

- Why don't you give it a try?
- Okay.

[whistles]

[dramatic music]

Hey, Ponch, come on.
I know that tow truck driver.

[engine cranking]

[music continues]

[sirens wailing]

[music continues]

[wailing continues]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

Get out.

Put your right hand
on your head.

You okay?

I'm getting better
by the minute.

It's all coming back
to you, huh?

I remember the 20 bucks
you owe me for

the two tickets to the Laker
game, you and your girl.

Hmm, rings a bell.

Yeah, I'll see you at payday.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, I've yelled
till I'm hoarse

and those two paranoids
still won't come out.

Well, we thought you'd
at least have it

up on its wheels by now.

I had to send
for a bigger tow truck.

What's going on here?

This mess should've been
cleared up an hour ago.

I'm afraid
this is one situation

that isn't covered
by the book, sarge.

Frank, everything
is covered by the book.

How many times
do I have to tell you that?

Come on, fellas.

You hear me in there?

We heard you.

Go away.

Maybe if you cited chapter
and verse from the book.

[theme music]

[music continues]