CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 1, Episode 19 - Crash Diet - full transcript

You haven't smiled
since we hit the bricks.

I got a premonition.
I can't shake it.

I think we're in
for a strangeweekend.

Starting with
the afternoon briefing.

When you get a premonition,
it's usually about Getraer.

Well, that's physical evidence.

Getraer's been studying some
printouts from the big computer.

What kind
of computer printout?

I don't know.

But I got a feeling something
strangeis about to happen.

Hey, coach,
can't you speed it up a little?



If we're not there
in ten minutes

we forfeit the game.

We're coming up to our turnoff.

'We'll be there in time.'

Just relax and..

You're not
changing here?

On the freeway?

Sure, why not?

Then we'll be ready to play
when we get there.

Just drive!

No sign of him.

Oh, boy.
The police.

Cover up!
Get under the seats!

You're a little late
with your warnings.



Did he see anything?

He saw everything!

Are you crazy?

There's a motorcycle cop
following us.

Make that two.

You think you can outrun them?
In this?

I just wanna get
to the center!

We made it.

We've got exactly five minutes
to be on the court.

Officer, uh, we have
a very important game.

'It's the quarterfinals.'

'And if we're not
on the court in three minutes--'

It's okay, uh,
I just need the driver.

That's me.

Come on, girls.

You know, that wasn't
very smart driving

especially
with passengers.

I know, uh,
but we were late

and-and the girls were
were suiting up, getting ready.

Getting undressed.

'Oh, yeah, terrific.'

Right, but..

Fellas, I was scared.

This team is kind of a hobby
for me, I'm-I'm really a teacher

at a very conservative
private school.

I mean,
the headlines would ruin me.

You better learn the law.

You were the only one
exposed to public view.

Then then it's not
indecent exposure?

No, sir.
I'm citing you for speeding.

Oh, I like that.

And failure to yield.

Oh, that's good.
That's good.

Uh, volleyball seems to be
pretty popular

at places like this.

It's a good icebreaker.

Everyone's looking up.

But that's social volleyball.

This is league competition.

Oh. Oh, they have leagues?

Oh, yeah.
I volunteered for the laughs.

I never thought
they'd win a game.

Undefeated!

Two more wins and

we're in
the national playoffs.

The nationals
get a lot of coverage.

News coverage, that is.

Listen, you keep your mind
on the road and on your driving.

Understand?

Thanks.

Uh, good luck.

It could catch on.

Popular spectator sport.

Never.
No place for the numbers.

Hey, you know what
we oughta be doing right now?

Yeah, go on out
to the overpass

and see if the dirt-thrower
left any clues.

I knew you were
gonna say that.

I just knew it.

Hey, Getraer looks different

but I don't see
any computer printouts.

Yeah, well, watch
for something off the wall

with some spin on it.

'Alright.'

'Can I have
your attention, please?'

We have three reports
of a man throwing objects

at vehicles on the freeway.

It seems to be localized
in the Topanga area.

'Let's maintain
a high profile out there.'

'Catch him before
he hurts somebody.'

Now.

I've just received
the, uh, computerized follow-up

'and the physician's report'

'of the department's, uh,
quarterly physical.'

The statewide results
of the tests indicate that..

...I'm quoting here.

"We are losing the battle
against an insidious killer

"causative agent
in heart disease

circulatory ailments,
strokes.."

'The list goes on.'

The killer
they're talking about is fat.

'"Between quarterly physicals
the CHP officers examined'

'"gained an accumulation
of weight'

"equal to that
of three fully-dressed

'"motorcycles.'

'"Or 3.3 ounces per hour

'of all the time passed
in that interval."'

The California Highway Patrol,
uh, has been ordered to reduce.

'Pounds per unit
have been computed'

'and quotas
have been assigned.'

'We have ours.'

Between now and your next
quarterly physical

the Central Division
of CHP will lose..

One thousand pounds.

That's it.

Getraer lost weight.
He saw this coming.

Hey, look at Grossman.
I think he's in shock.

'We're talking about more
than just weight loss here.'

This is gonna be a comprehensive
physical-conditioning program.

We'll start with me.

At the last quarterly physical

I weighed 190 pounds,
10 ounces, duty-dressed.

I've lost 11 pounds.

That leaves
989 pounds to go.

This uh, computerized report
here contains suggestions

for individual weight loss.

'I'll give those to you now,
if you'll step up here, please.'

You see how computers
handle human life?

They grind you up
and when they spit you out

you're a number.

Come on, Grossie,
get your number.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh. Lose a thousand pounds.

Numbers on a sheet of paper.
No, individual consideration.

I mean, look at Grossman.

He's really uptight
and worried about it.

Uh, Grossie stays fat through
everything, through his life

through a dozen programs
like this.

Listen,
Grossie survives fat.

Yeah, he finds loopholes.

But this time,
he's up against the computer.

Oh, boy.

You see?

You see, we're actually
on the freeway.

Right.

The freeway.

I never thought I'd make it.

That was the opinion
of the driving school

but we showed them, hmm?

Yeah.

We sure did.

Let's try a faster lane.
What do you say?

Uh, why not?

That's good! That's good.
That's confident.

Now, remember,
we drive the car

we don't aim it.

Right.

No honk.

Very good.
Very good.

Oh, my G..

Hey, look at that.

- Hey, are you okay?
- Oh, we're just fine.

He doesn't
look alright.

Oh, it takes him a few minutes
to come out of it.

He's been this way before.

But this time it was my fault.
You were doing fine.

He was doing fine
until, I startled him.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3.
10-97, 11-82 Westbound

Glendale at Berdoo.
Roll..

What startled you?

As you may have guessed,
brown eyes.

I don't startle easily.

Thank you.

It's important that I inspire
confidence in my students.

I try to retain
an inner kind of calm.

But when you look up
on the freeway

and you see a weirdo dressed
in rags running at you

I mean, it's difficult
not to react.

Well,
it's a normal response.

I'm bursting
with normal responses.

If there's anything else
you need, let me know.

We'll just forget
about this.

Tomorrow, we'll start
at the beginning, okay?

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Alright, Grossman,
on the scale.

Come on.

Alright, Grossman

you've gained 5 pounds.

Alright. Put it down
on the desk, huh?

That's exactly what you weighed
at your last physical.

It's my natural
body weight.

Look, sarge.

I've always been a large person.

Look, I don't wanna look
at your baby pictures.

Here, I am as a kid.

A fat kid.

Hey, that's cute.

The one on the pony.

I don't care
about your childhood, Grossman.

But I'm proving a point, sarge.

See, here I am
in high school

the service,
just before I got married.

Always large.

Eighteen pounds,
Grossman.

That's the medical opinion.

Eighteen pounds?

Do it for your family

'your heart,
the good of the department.'

And do it for me, Grossman.

Look, I know it's tough.

But look how much I lost.

Eleven pounds.

You know, sarge,
we can all lose

more than
the computer figures.

Uh, what do you say,
five pounds each?

It might help Grossman,
you know.

Every pound counts.

I'll put you guys down

for five extra pounds apiece.

That's a very
commendable spirit.

Oh, by the way, sarge

I'm filing another report
on the freeway thrower.

Oh, alright.

We're checking
all the institutions

and the hospitals.

I want you guys to pay
special attention to this

until we put a fix
on this guy, alright?

- Okay, sarge.
- Okay.

Hey, we've had freeway
homesteaders before

but they don't wanna
cause accidents

I mean, they don't even
wanna be seen.

I don't think this guy
wants to hurt anybody.

He'd be throwing rocks.

Well, what's your theory?

He may even wanna be
noticed, for sure.

He may even
wanna be caught.

Okay, that's your theory.
What do you wanna do with it?

Well, Getraer just said give
him special attention, right?

Let's give him some, huh?

Hey, you were
in the Boy Scouts

do you remember
how to read tracks?

Well, I tell you what.

The first rule is that
you don't trample the tracks

you're trying to read.

That's gotta be the spot
where he's been throwing dirt

that he threw
at the student driver's car.

Well,
we're in the right place.

Yep.

He knows it.

Let's go.

Hey! Let me go!

Let me go!
We gotta get out of here!

It's dynamite.
It's gonna blow!

Let me up.

Get me up.

Put me in the cab.
I'll drive it outta here.

Man, you can't even see.

I don't need to.
Put me in the cab!

If that thing blows,
it's gonna take all these cars.

Now, stay here
and keep him back.

Alright.

Now, listen, you calm down
and keep your hands

away from your face,
alright?

Hey, mister, come here.

You-you stay with him,
and keep

his hands away
from his face.

Take him on the shoulder,
right?

- You hurt?
- Just a little scared.

You wanna know about scared?
I'll give you some lessons.

I thought I told you to stay
back through that traffic.

Hey, you know me, impetuous.

That's poor procedure, Ponch.

I mean, risking lives of two men
when one can do the job.

So report me.

So, I'll see you
after dinner, okay?

Oh, listen, you sure
you don't wanna tell me

what this is all about?

Later. I'll pick you up
at about 10:00, okay?

'Come on.'

'Come on,
you can do it.'

'Come on. Come on.'

That's it.

Okay, that's three.

Let's try another one.
Come on.

Alright, come on.
Alright, come on.

Come on, come on,
come on.

- Oh!
- Uh.

Alright.

Look,
I'm uh, counting on you guys.

Five pounds a piece,
remember?

- Sarge?
- Yeah?

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, in my office
but make it brief, will you?

I'm up to here.

- Hey, Ponch.
- Yeah?

Am I any good at my job?

It's the only thing
I ever wanted to do.

Come on, Grossie,
sure, you're good at it.

I guess my performance
doesn't count anymore.

Just my weight.

Hey, lighten up, okay?
We'll get your weight down.

No, I think it's too much
this time.

I think I've been sabotaged
by that computer.

Look,
you ever tried jogging?

- Jogging?
- Yeah.

Getraer does it every morning.
I'll tell you what.

'The four of us will meet
tomorrow morning'

one hour before duty.

I'll help you out, alright?

- Hey, Ponch?
- Yeah?

How about dinner?

Carol has a class tonight.

Assertiveness training.

Well, I got a date for dinner,
then I'm meeting Jon.

Alright, uh,
I'll sit and watch you eat

if you're looking
for company, okay?

Terrific.

Alright.

A man who throws objects
at vehicles, Frank

has to be treated
for what he is, a menace.

All I'm saying is
he's a human menace.

He's gotta be stopped
by a person.

Well, that's what we're
out there for, isn't it?

Fine. If we can get
close to him.

Well, get close to him.

Yeah, Sergeant Getraer.

He did? Alright.

I might come up
with something good.

Save lives,
save the taxpayers some money.

Look, uh,
no brainstorms, huh, Frank?

Uh, yeah, Sergeant Getraer,
returning the captain's call.

But we should get close
to him, right?

Alright, fine, Frank, fine

but would you give me some
breathing room while I talk..

Yeah, uh, captain,
this is Sergeant Getraer.

You sure Jon
will go along with this?

It's not our kind of duty.

He'll go along with it
when I tell him about it.

This kind of duty
the computer can't do.

Anyway, I got it all wired
in with Getraer.

What's your plan?

Wherever this guy is hiding

he's gotta get hungry,
right?

So we're going out
there tonight

so maybe we can, uh,
be there in the morning.

Maybe we can grab him
when he comes around

looking for something
to eat.

- Wanna come along?
- No.

But speaking of food..

...want some salad?

No, thanks.

I don't wanna spoil my supper.

I'll get the check.

Good, I'll get the tip.

Hey, man.

- He's a cop.
- Okay.

- He's trying to help.
- Alright.

'The guy is choking.'

'He's tryin' to save him.'

Okay, okay.

I can breathe now.

I'm alright.
Thank you, man.

That's alright.

Hey, we feel like fools.

Well, that's how
you guys acted.

Uh, the guy is friend of ours.

So you nearly
cost him his life.

I thought your buddy
was beating up on him.

Listen, it's called
the Heimlich Method.

Why don't you guys
learn it, huh?

Hey, Ponch, I can't sleep
in this shoebox.

Ponch?

Hey, Ponch, wake up.

I'm not sleeping.
I'm not sleeping.

I heard every word you said.

You know, I think we're parked
in the wrong place.

I mean,
we've been here for hours.

It don't seem that long.

Yeah, well, it does
if you're awake.

Listen,
this isn't our job anyway.

They're gonna find him
with ground search.

Ground search is expensive, Jon.

He might kill somebody
before the computers

found him dangerous enough
to put the money into it.

Okay, okay.

Listen, can you just stay awake
and uh, help me pass the time?

Okay, partner, sure.

'Ponch.'

I'm awake. I'm awake.

Wait a minute, friend,
alright? Just relax.

Just relax, okay?
We're here to help you.

We can't talk to you
unless we know your name, okay?

'What's your name?'

Leonard.

I'm Ponch, Leonard.

This is my friend, Jon.

You don't come after me.

Okay, okay. Alright.
Relax, alright?

We'll do it your way.
Like friends, right?

My friends

are in the great big lawn.

I was reading the stones,
and I got lost.

Leonard, where do you go when
you're not with your friends?

Leonard.
Well, do you live in a house?

In my room.

And once they locked it on me.

Well, that's too bad, Leonard.

I said stay in the car!

Okay, alright, Leonard.

Leonard, listen to me.

We're here to take you
anywhere you wanna go.

Leonard.

Wait a minute, Ponch.

This is his own turf.

Yeah, forget it.
We don't stand a chance.

I wouldn't jog a yard
this morning

if I hadn't
promised Grossman.

Hey, Baker, you know the stones
Leonard was reading?

- I got a thought that--
- Hey.

- Good--
- Good morning, sarge.

Uh ,never mind
the good morning

you already said that to me
at 4:00 a.m.

when you woke me up.

Hey, we didn't know you were
gonna get sore about it.

I mean, it was your idea.

What do you mean my idea?

Okay, if you wanna give me
the credit.

But you said,
get close to him, remember?

I never ordered any, uh

the moonlight monkey shines
and you know it.

Listen, we found Leonard.

I mean,
that's the important thing.

Important thing
is that you lost him.

'Look, if you guys
wanna play detective games'

'on your time off, I mean,
that's your hang-up.'

But to call me up
in the middle of the night

to you tell me
that you goofed it.

That's too much.

Yeah, but we did get his name.

I mean, you could've called
LAPD yourself.

But why wake me up
and ask me to do it?

Well, this way you get
the credit, sarge.

I don't need the credit.

I need my sleep.

Listen, sarge. You know
the stones Leonard was reading?

Mm-hm.

We think they were
in a cemetery.

And the biggest cemetery
in the area

is near the VA hospital
at Sawtelle.

Yeah, well,
the hospital's been checked.

Yeah, but he might
have friends there, though.

He might even live nearby.

Yeah, well, I suggested
that to the LAPD

at 4:15 this morning.

Morning!

This was a great idea.

Good sleep,
light breakfast, vitamins.

Let's roll.

I'll take it easy
till you guys loosen up.

Come on.

Hey, come on, you guys.
I'm not doing this alone.

Oh, but it's just so much better
this time, if..

There's all kinds
of exercise, you know.

Yeah, if we can't keep up
with Grossman

I guess we're doing
the wrong kind.

Hey, they're comin' over here.

You short a few players,
I hope?

You guys any good?

Well, just for exercise, uh.
But it's only a game, right?

Okay, Carol?

Okay. Heh-heh.

I'm Ponch. This is Jon.

Hi. Did you win
your game at the center?

I knew, we'd seen
you guys before.

Linda, these are
the two highway patrolmen.

Oh, yeah, you guys look so
different out of your uniforms.

Yeah, you too.

Listen,
we were just doing--

Just doing your job.

Yeah, well, we lost the game

and we're out of the league.

And the team
has broken up, so--

Hey, how about one of you guys
each side of the net, okay?

Yeah, great.

Hey, listen,
don't be too hard on 'em, huh?

No. Come on,
don't be so chauvinistic.

Let's make 'em
earn their points, eh?

Okay, there you go.

Oh, I got it.

Come on, set it up.

I got it.

Oh, good girl.

- Get it.
- Yes.

Wait.

Over here.

Over here, over here.

Oh.

Uh, we gotta go, girls.

Oh, are you guys leaving?

- Yeah, uh.
- Duty calls, right?

Hey, If we make the team

we'll be working out here
every morning.

What do you want,
an audience?

Oh, come on

you had to know we were good.

No hard feelings, okay?

Okay,
see you later.

Alright,
see you around.

- Ciao.
- Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

What happened to you guys?

A little volleyball lesson,
sarge.

Yeah, you guys teaching
volleyball now, huh? What next?

Okay, let's hit it.
Old spirit.

- Now let's go.
- Yeah. Come on, come on.

Leonard is a part-time patient

at the VA hospital
at Sawtelle.

See, he lives with his sister
about two blocks away.

I've been treating him
for years.

She reported him missing
three days ago.

Well, we don't usually
handle missing persons.

But all under the circumstances.

I understand.

'He hates cars because his wife'

was killed on the freeway.

He was driving.

He took a head wound in Vietnam,

and had just recovered
when the accident happened.

Once in a while,
he goes around the bend.

Well, does he wanna be found
or does he wanna stay lost?

What he wants...is help.

I think I can bring him in.

Uh, he disappeared just
about right down there.

Alright,
uh, stay out of sight.

Leonard?

Leonard, it's Doc.

'Come on, let's go home,
Leonard.'

Doc!

Oh, Leonard.

Alright.
Alright, Leonard.

I hate the cars.

They killed her.

You know that, doctor. It was
a car that killed my wife.

Everything's gonna be alright,
Leonard. Let's go home.

No. No.

No, no! Wait a minute.

I'm alright.
Go get him. Stop him, please.

I gotta stop the cars.

Don't.

I gotta stop the cars.

- No, no. Leonard.
- My wife!

- Hey, relax.
- Leonard, stop it. Stop it.

Seven-pound
weight loss.

Very good.
We're right on target.

Okay, up on the scales.

Now, you guys know
what to do now, don't you?

Yeah.
Where did you find it?

An X-ray supply house.

- I have to return it.
- Okay.

You may end up wearing it.

Grossman, you're next.
Let's listen up here, huh?

Okay, how do you feel?
Better, huh?

I feel a little weak,
sarge.

Okay, uh,

you lost eight pounds.

Your goal was 18 pounds.

Well, you can't say
I didn't try.

Yeah.

Okay, Baker, uh, Poncherello,
it's up to you guys.

Five extra pounds apiece,
remember.

- Mm-hm.
- Uh-huh.

Well, 175, read it and weep.

Perfect.
I appreciate that.

Okay, Frank, we're down to you.
Up on the scales.

For a guy in great shape,
this wasn't easy.

Uh-huh.

One hundred and eighty pounds,
on the nose.

We did it.
One thousand pounds.

I hope that computer of yours
has a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, well, so do I.

'Just let me, uh,
figure this out one more time.'

'Let's see, 971'

'Grossman's eight is...979.'

'You guys, 10, 989.'

My 11 pounds, 1000 pounds.

Hold it, sarge.
That 11 pounds was last week.

What counts
is today's weight.

That's right, sarge.

Proof is what you guys want,
proof is what you'll get.

Excuse me, Frank,
out of the way.

Uh?

Heh, I don't understand.

Looks like you gained
ten pounds, sarge.

Yeah,
it's uh, up from 179 to 189.

Sergeant, how could you?

I don't understand.