C.H.U.E.C.O. (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Chueco llegó - full transcript

♪ Chueco ♪

-JUAN: No, no, no!
-Chueco!

-Cool it.
-Evil animal!

-No! No!
-AMANDA: Chueco!

Let there be peace! Peace!

(narrator)
I guess you're wondering how we got here.

And, also,
why there's an ape at the table.

Let's start at the beginning.

"CHUECO ARRIVED"

12 HOURS EARLIER

Juan!



(yelps)

Is the corner okay? Do you have change?

Juan...

it's clear you can't even make ends meet
with three jobs.

But it's not my fault.

Lorena used to bring in the money.
I'm doing what I can.

Honestly, without her income,
I can only cover... half of the expenses.

A quarter of the expenses.

Amanda...

we'll have to sell this house.

Fine, it's too big anyway.

I'll have to cut back
all the kids' extracurricular activities.

Great, so they'll play. They're kids.

I'll have to fire you.



No, I think there's another solution.
Let's think about it.

The only solution I can think of
is accepting my in-laws' proposal

to take Martin and Vicente to Chihuahua.

-What's that about Vicente and me?
-Hey!

That... that...
you're the joy of this house.

(laughing)

Great! Can you lift my punishment then?

No, you're not that joyful.

I tried.

-Hey, guess what?
-What?

Do you have money for some cleats?

Oh, he wants sweets. Yes, bring me some.

No, no, listen.
Cleats... like football cleats.

-A bit more expensive.
-Yes, a bit more... okay...

You can't afford the mortgage,

but you can buy football shoes?

Well, Lorena was the one who said "no."

She was the strict one.

I'm the good daddy who always says "yes."
Look: Yes, yes, yes...

Repeat after me.

Martin, we have no money.

I can't buy you sneakers.

Do I sound like that?

No, Delfina. You, you, you.

-You're the dad.
-Fine...

-Hi, Del!
-What's up, Dad?

Hey, I need new strings.

-For the guitar.
-Okay... um...

(groans)

-Is this enough?
-Perfect.

(smooches)

You're kind of balder, right?

What? Go. Go, sweetie.

I did good.

Okay.

Go on, rehearse, go on. No, no, no.

Okay, on your feet.

Amanda, I can't pay you what I owe you.

Oh! (chuckles)

Very good.
Firm, straightforward, with conviction.

Total conviction. I'm broke, Amanda.

Look... This is all I have.

One day of work. Good luck.

-You are getting balder.
-Amanda...

Fine... Well, I'm your father
and, as your father,

it's my responsibility to inform you
of what I am going to inform you.

Because you're my children, I mean...

I can have other kids, yes...
I don't have other kids!

I don't. I have three children,
and they're here.

Dad has a responsibility,

which is to inform you.

We're going through a situation,
and I'm the captain.

As your dad
and person in charge of this family,

I must somehow guide... the... the...

-Was that clear?
-Not a word.

I'm your father, so it's my respon...

Responsibility...

Dad, we already know you're broke.

You do?

You could've told me that
before this scene, honey.

We planned all this asking for money
so you'd tell us the truth.

You're all too good for me, seriously.

You deserve something else, not this.

Now I can afford my cleats.

-Martin!
-Martin!

Martin...

(doorbell rings)

Oh, what now?

At this point, I'm going to be bald.

(gasps)

What?

There's a woman in a suit
carrying a briefcase.

What? Who is she?

Oh, yes! There was a call
from the bank earlier.

They wanted to talk to you.

To me? From the bank?
How could you not tell me?

How could you not solve it, Vicente?

I'm eight.

-Come in.
-Good afternoon, Mr. Juan Gustozzi?

-In the flesh.
-A pleasure.

I'm Raquel Franco, lawyer.

A lawyer? Lawyer?

This is unacceptable.

The bank can't send out a lawyer
for a six-month mortgage debt.

-Are you suing me? It's crazy!
-You see, Mr. Gustozzi...

No, you see, Ms. or Mrs.,
I don't know your marital status,

I came to this country 20 years ago.
All my belongings are in your bank.

Just because I have a debt
that's equal to one, two, three yachts...

I'm not with the bank, Mr. Gustozzi.

Who are you with? The insurance company?

Electricity? Gas? Water? My kids' school?

I'm not with any of them.

I'm your uncle's lawyer and trustee.
Giancarlo Gustozzi.

I came to inform you you're the...

...main heir to his fortune.

You're entitled to about...

...nine million dollars.

Let's take a second here.

-No problem, I have time.
-Okay.

-Nine, you mean, six, upside down?
-That's right.

We're talking dollars.

Of course,
this is subject to certain conditions.

I'm in. I'm in, in, no problem.

I mean, I can't believe it.

I'll call Giancarlo to thank him
for this gesture that... that, well...

-No... that won't be possible, right?
-Why not?

I mean, if I'm about to inherit,
it's because Giancarlo...

It's very painful.

Same. He was in the prime of his life.

Well, I wouldn't say prime.
He was 89 years old.

Wow. Well, he looked like a kid.

There was a time, yes.

I need a second, I'm really shocked.

-Let me process this, please. Come in.
-You're torn. Yes.

I love you, Giancarlo. I love you!

-Excuse me.
-Yes.

"Certified Copy of Will."

I'm surprised to be in my uncle's will.

Last time I saw him was in 1983,
when he won the Chemistry Nobel Prize.

No, he got the Physics one in '83.

He was awarded
the Chemistry Nobel Prize in '95.

An extraordinary man, from another planet.

Especially for putting me in his will.

(laughing)

He didn't have any other relatives.

Anyway, I must confess

I'm sure there's no other man
like Giancarlo out there in the world.

Emotions aside,
how will I collect the inheritance?

Cash, apartments, horses? Tell me.

No, this goes like this.
You'll receive monthly payments.

$30,000 per month.

(screams)

Just as long as you accept
and meet the... three conditions.

The conditions are perfect.
No problem. Where do I sign?

Don't you want to learn about them?

How should I say this, Raquel?
For $30,000 a month,

I'd go out naked,

forward rolling around the neighborhood,

dancing to the beat
of the reggaeton song of the hour.

Am I clear?

Sorry, the conditions.

Good. The first one...

says you'll have to look after Chueco,

as if he were a member of your family.

Chueco, check. Go on.

-Fine.
-I mean, who's Chueco?

Chueco's your uncle's pet.

He kept him company for the last 17 years.

-He belongs to the family of...
-No, no need to explain.

I have three pets upstairs,
I can handle one more.

What could he be?
A dog, a cat... (scoffs)

A hamster, a python...
(chuckles)

-It's not a python, right?
-No.

Okay, good. Let's go on.

Fine, the second one
is that you'll receive regular visits

from the director of the Society
for the Protection of Animals to verify

that Chueco is being duly taken care of.

I must take offense. I must take offense.

Chueco will be treated like a king here.

Good.

And the...

And the third one...

is that you have to promise...

you'll keep Chueco's secret.

(whispering) Nobody outside the family
can know about this secret.

-What is it?
-The secret.

What's the secret?

If I knew it, it wouldn't be
a secret anymore, right?

-That's very logical.
-Exactly.

To keep a secret I don't know, easy peasy!

-Where should I sign?
-Yes, over here.

Oh, right.

-Three... three copies.
-So painful, so upsetting.

I'll miss him every day of my... Yes.

I'll love you forever. Yes!

-Copies are signed.
-All right.

-Do I keep the pen?
-No, I'll take it.

-Congratulations, um... Mr. Gustozzi.
-Yes.

You're officially the recipient
of your uncle's fortune, and above all,

Chueco's legal guardian.

I love you, Chueco!

-I'll get him.
-Yes, I'll go with you.

-I can't believe it!
-Me neither!

Guys, change those faces. Come on!
What are you playing?

Getting bank seized.

Oh, enough with that. I have some news.

Do you want to hear it?

-Yes, Dad!
-Yes...

Number one:

We no longer have money problems,
and we're keeping the house. Yes!

What's the other news?

The other news is... Let's breathe in.

We're getting...

...a pet.

(screams)

A pet? Is it a dog?
I want a dog. Is it a Rottweiler?

I prefer... I prefer a cat.

Okay, okay, okay.
Let's see, it's a... it's a... it's a...

-Gustozzi family.
-Yes.

I introduce you to... Chueco.

Okay, okay, okay.

-A monkey?
-(gasps)

Hi, monkey. Hi, monkey.

Technically, he's not a monkey.
He's an ape.

Aw...

Family, he's yours now.

Remember, please,
to keep Chueco's secret, whatever that is,

and to meet the conditions,
or the monthly payments will stop,

and we'll take Chueco.

No, that will never happen.
Raquel, we thank you dearly.

-Okay, a pleasure, Mr. Gustozzi.
-A pleasure. I'll see you out.

-No need. I'll close the door.
-Okay, okay.

I'll train him.
We need a new drummer in my band.

He's sleeping with me.

Hold it, hold it, he's a boy.
He's got to sleep with another boy.

He's a monkey.

He should sleep with another monkey.

Martin, I have training in animal rights.

So it's my right to look after him.

It's clear he prefers me.

Next to him, I'm the most human.

Calm down, everybody. Chueco will rotate.
He'll sleep in different rooms.

One night here, one night there,
one night with Amanda.

Okay, he's not sleeping with Amanda.

I'll fix him the Pan troglodyte's
typical nest of Equatorial Africa.

I'll teach him to play
video games and football.

-I love it, great. Go.
-I'll teach him to play rock music.

VICENTE: Yeah!

(gibbering)

I want you to pay me
all the months you owe me.

Sure, consider it done.

I'm sure that thing loses a lot of hair.

-A 10% salary raise?
-That would help.

And a weekend in Cancún,
all expenses paid,

would clear all my doubts.

Oh, wow.

Doubting is human, so...

Chueco, Chueco, Chueco, Chueco.
(chuckles)

I can't believe it.

Having a monkey is so exotic.
(chuckles)

Oh, Chueco, you came at the right time.

Nine million dollars.

(high pitched chuckle)

Chueco, to you!

Excuse me, are you drinking alone?

Yuck!

No wonder you spit it out.

I'd rather drink car oil
than drink this trash.

(shrieking)

What is it? Are you okay?

Oh, sweet Virgin, he's having a stroke.

I'll call an ambulance!

Did you sign the inheritance papers?

Amanda!

Chueco speaks.

What?

He speaks Spanish
with a Buenos Aires accent.

Good Lord, you're delirious.

Talk to her now, talk to...

Breathe in with me and repeat after me:
"Chimps don't talk."

Chimps don't talk.

Amandita, we can discuss that theory
in greater detail, if you like.

(shouts)

(screams)

(shouts)

What happened?

Beats me, we've been shouting for a while.

Is this a family thing?

(screams)

(all screaming)

(screams)

Chueco, I... am... Juan.

Do you understand me?

(deep voice)
Me, Tarzan.

You, Jane.

Me, understand.

Let's think together.

If I can talk,
then it's obvious I can understand you.

Martin, are you okay?

We have a talking chimpanzee!

Chimpanzees and humans
share 99% of their DNA.

Oh, a talking animal!
We'll finally know how they feel.

-This will make me a millionaire.
-Who taught you to speak?

Bye, zoos, bye, circuses.

Say something funny.

Riddle:
Two hairy animals are riding a bike,

and one of them falls, which one falls?

Which one?

Amanda!

(laughing)

Juan, it's one thing to have
a disgusting beast in the house,

and it's quite another to have a rude one.

I'm very sorry, but it's the monkey or me.

I'm not a monkey.

I'm an ape.

There are very important differences.

Chueco talks.

Chueco talks.

The lawyer said there are three conditions
to keep the inheritance.

The third one was to keep Chueco's secret.

That's the secret!

Nobody can learn Chueco talks
under any circumstance.

Is that clear? Martin.

And, Amanda,
I need you to get this straight,

and you'll receive it with a smile.
Amanda, smile. Thanks.

It's very important that Chueco
stays with us

to keep the inheritance, the house,
and your trip to Cancún.

So make a superhuman effort
and accept his living here.

I need you to stay, please.

-I also need the monkey...
-Ape!

Fine, I need the ape to stay with us.
Is that clear?

Now that we're a bit calmer,

how's it possible that you can talk?

It's a long story.

Could you get me a whiskey, Juan?

(satisfied sigh)

When Uncle Giancarlo found me
in the African jungle,

I was barely two years old.

Giancarlo was on a safari
near my neighborhood.

He adopted me and took me back
to Buenos Aires with him.

He was very good to me,
except when he named me "Chueco."

What's your real name?

(gibberish)

So punk!

(mocking tone)
So punk!

Okay, okay, okay,
don't beat around the bush.

Beat around the bush, Chueco.
(laughs)

There's a comedian in the house.

I'll continue...

Though Giancarlo lived with me,
he felt lonely.

(piano music plays)

Since he had a lot of money,

old Giancarlo set up an amazing lab
with a colleague,

Professor Macarato.

He loved me a lot.

Time went by,
and they experimented on me for ten years.

A guinea pig! Hence, Chueco:

"Chimpanzee Used
for Experiments on Communication."

They tried over and over again

until they hit the jackpot and altered
the I-don't-know-what fox gene.

VICENTE: FOXP2 gene!

FOXP2 gene allows humans to talk,

but not apes.

(laughing)

What are you laughing at?

Nothing, nothing, "pee too."

Pee too!

Okay, stop, stop.

Seriously, my uncle worked a miracle.

Or a nightmare.

The first words I said were...

Bravo, bravo!

I did it! I did it!

You ruined my life, Giancarlo.

With this thing you've done, science man,

the rest of the apes
will never live in peace again.

Everybody will try to recreate
your experiment now.

After listening to my words,
Giancarlo made a solemn promise.

"No ape will ever suffer because of me."

And he started crying.

He destroyed
all the evidence of the experiment,

and we dramatically fled
to his mansion in Tuscany...

so that no one
would ever discover my secret.

Family, promise moment. Hand to heart.

The other side, Martin.

-Okay, forget it, forget it.
-Please.

I swear I'll never ever reveal to anyone
the secret that Chueco can speak.

-I swear!
-Okay.

Chueco, your turn.

I swear never to leave this house.

What? Are you kidding me?

I didn't travel all these kilometers
to be locked up in a house.

No, well, the chimp's right.
We should take him to a zoo.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

I have an endless to-do list.

I'm in the big city.
I'll go to the movies, to see a game.

You like football?

I'm a Boca fan to death.

(cheering)
Go, Bo... go, Bo...

I also want to skydive,
and have a margarita on a Cancún beach.

Well, the beast and I have
something in common: Cancún.

I see you're growing fond of each other,

but, unfortunately,
all those things will be impossible to do.

Now that I remember,

Giancarlo had some other distant cousin
in Buenos Aires

who could really use the money.

If you lend me a phone and a credit card,

I'll get a ticket right now, cool.

Oh, please, I'll lend you my phone.

You give him the card, Juan. Here.

Funny, Amanda, funny.

Inheritance.

Uh... Easy, easy, it's cool.

We're all... good here.

Family, no talking, no blinking or...

Responsibility!

I was going to say "breathing,"
but whatever.

You three upstairs. Del, take Chueco.

Amanda, kitchen. Juan, calm down!

Yes.

-Juan Gustozzi?
-Yes.

I'm Professor Alberto Macarato,

ex-partner and personal friend
of your late Uncle Giancarlo.

Yes... What do you need?

-May I come in?
-No.

-Thanks.
-No, I said "no."

If you're here because of the inheritance,
it's been taken care of.

No, no. I'm here because of a hairy
problem, almost five feet and irritating.

If you're talking about Amanda,
I beg you, please, to be respectful.

I mean the chimp your uncle left you
in exchange for the inheritance.

(chuckles)
An inherited chimp! Please, leave.

-Mr. Gustozzi, may I call you Juan?
-Yes.

Juan, look, see, listen.
I have two PhDs in Psychology.

One degree, two degrees!

I can perfectly tell
when someone is lying.

You present all the signs.

Body rigidity.

Stare.

-Baldness.
-What?

-Dilated pupils.
-No, no, no.

Dry mouth, I guess...

It's Sahara's desert.

Macarato, let's calm down, please.

What are you looking for exactly?

It's not what I need, I don't look
for anything. That doesn't matter.

It's what the entire world needs.

Macarato,
my uncle wanted Chueco to be here.

That's a done deal. Please...

Maybe... this will make you
change your mind.

Nothing changes Juan Gustozzi's mind.

(squeaks)

Twelve... million... dollars?

You can collect it all today.

This is not what my uncle wanted.

Let's see, Juan.

How long do you think till Chueco

speaks in front of someone and ends up,
for instance, on an internet video?

Weeks? Months?
A year maybe, at the most. No more.

-Give me a second.
-Of course. Two.

One day, he launched over her
trumpeting like an elephant.

(kids laughing)

"Can't you mimic a less noisy animal?"
his mother said.

Tarzan was little and said,

"Then it wouldn't be so fun, Mom."

Tarzan started running,
roaring like a leop...

Leopard!

What is it?

Leopards... no... They scare me!
I'm terrified of leopards.

No! Why didn't you tell me
it said "leopard"?

They're my archenemies.
I'm terrified of them.

Like vampires and crosses.

-But leopards are really cool.
-What?

I bet you'd stop thinking that,

if one day, one of them

were to eat your mother for breakfast
in one bite.

Your mother died too?

Ours too.

(squeaks)

-Well? Have you made up your mind?
-I have.

I just called the cops and told them

there's an intruder in my house
accusing me of having a talking chimp.

What?

Goodbye to this check.

You just made
the worst mistake of your life.

You learn from your mistakes.

Please, leave my house right now.

(Macarato laughs)

One day, you'll call me
to take the chimp off your back.

But there'll be no money then, nothing.

Oh, you'll regret it.

(evil laughter)

(evil laughter)

(door slams)

I'm hungry.

(Vicente giggling)

Where are you going, beast?

Animals don't eat at the table.

At Giancarlo's house,

it was the cook
who didn't eat at the table.

FYI, I'm not part of the domestic staff.

-I'm the SEO of this house.
-The what?

(in unison)
Supreme Executive of Organization.

I'd say, the sadistic executive
of oppression.

-(leopard noises play)
-Stop it.

Easy, easy!

Amanda, turn that off.
It's okay, it was just a sound.

If you want war, Amandita, you'll get war.

Bring it on, beast!

Can we take a minute? What's up?

Listen, Chueco. You're very welcome
at this house and this table.

But Amanda's fundamental
to the functioning of this family.

So you'll have to learn to respect her.
Can you do that?

Sure!

-No, no, no!
-Chueco!

-Cool it.
-Evil animal!

-No! No!
-Chueco!

Let there be peace! Peace! Vicente!
Let there be peace! Peace! Peace!

♪ Chueco ♪

Translated by Ianina Antonetti