Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Money for Nothing - full transcript
The girls are jealous of Boo's relationship with an older co-worker.
Previously on "Bunheads:"
Michelle, Prince Charming
here for you again.
What?
Oh, come on!
He's sweet and harmless.
Every time he comes to town he brings
you things and buys you dinner.
Marry me.
Well. this is it.
Our home.
- Oh, I could stay here forever.
- That's the plan.
Who's this?
Mom!
Yes, Mom!
Hubbell was in a car accident last night.
- Madame Fanny's Hubbell?
- Yep.
- Bad?
- Yep.
- And...?
- He's...
- What? He's what?
- You know.
- I don't know.
- Oh my God, he's dead?
- Paperwork?
- Just some signatures.
- Signature for what?
- For the will transfer.
I thought he told you.
He called me on the way back from Vegas.
- He left everything to you.
- Fanny: Homeless?
- You're not homeless.
- Talk about the fact that I'm jobless?
- You're not jobless!
- Fanny: As of today, you own the ballet school.
No, you own the school.
I just own the building
and the land the school
is sitting on.
Are you leaving?
I don't know.
This is
your home, Fanny.
You are gonna live here
and I'm going to move
into the guest house.
- ( Birds chirping )
- ( Distant barking )
( Shakily exhales )
( Whispers ) Oh my.
( Cellphone dials )
( Whispers ) There's
something in my bed.
What? Speak up.
I can't hear you.
( Softly ) There's
something in my bed.
Oh. Well, just give him
some cab fare
- and change the locks.
- It's not a man.
- It's a thing.
- A thing?
- A nature thing.
- Like a Tsunami?
No, like a pointy,
furry, long-tailed thing
- with little hand-claws.
- Like a rat?
- Oh my God, is it a rat?
- I don't know what it is.
- I'm asking you if it's a rat.
- I hate rats.
- Just get out of bed.
- I can't. I can't move.
- Michelle.
- I'm paralyzed with rat fear.
- Just take a picture.
- For posterity?!
Take a picture of the thing
with your cellphone
and send it to me
so I can see what it is
- and end this conversation.
- Oh. O-o-o-- okay, that's a good idea.
- Should I say "cheese"?
- Now you're making jokes?
Sorry, I toured with
David Brenner for a year.
- ( Softly ) Okay.
- ( Beeps )
- ( Camera shutter clicks )
- Ugh.
( Beeps )
Okay, I just
sent it to you.
( Beeps )
- It's not a rat.
- Oh good.
- It's a possum...
- Oh.
...which is basically
a really big rat.
Okay, have you ever worked
at a crisis hotline before?
- 'Cause you got mad people skills.
- It won't hurt you.
They only attack
if they're in heat.
Or is that bears?
I don't know.
I'm not Jack Hanna.
Grab a frying pan
and bang it on the head.
Okay, first of all,
I don't cook.
And second of all, I'm not
banging it on its head,
'cause if I do and his giant
rat friends get wind of it,
they'll start circulating giant rat
wanted posters with my face on 'em,
and I could wake up one morning
and find myself surrounded
by a giant rat posse.
Come save me.
- I'm hanging up now.
- To come save me?
Yes, I'll be right there.
( Beeps )
She's not coming
to save me.
- ( Hissing )
- Ah! Ah.
( Theme music playing )
Bunheads 1x05 - Money for Nothing
Original air date July 16, 2012
- Fanny: Fallon Meats, 724.
- Truly: 724.
Box 1.
Fritzy's Cleaners, 162.
- 162.
- It moved and I fled.
- Box 2.
- Do you have any peanut butter?
Handyman, 88.14.
- We need a cheaper handyman
- I was thinking
if I put some peanut butter
on some crackers
and then stick it
just outside the front door,
I could coax him out and have
a place to live again.
- Stationary store...
- You don't have any peanut butter.
- ...99.75.
- ...or crackers.
- No, wait-- 76.
- or food.
No. 75.
I'm sorry.
Is that a five or a six?
- It's a three.
- Oh. 99.73.
You think a possum
would like powdered yeast?
- What are you doing in my kitchen?
- I told you.
- Ooh, nuts. Do they like nuts?
- Who?
- Michelle has a visitor in her bedroom.
- Already?
It's a possum.
He's in my bed.
Oh. Oh, that's horrifying.
It is horrifying.
You know, truly,
I can't go back in there
until he's gone.
Maybe I could bunk with you tonight?
What do you say?
We could practice
kissing our pillows,
pull a "fast times at Richmond High"
with some carrot sticks.
I never know what
you're talking about.
- Neither does she.
- Hey, what's going on?
- It's paying season.
- What's paying season?
Twice a year, Truly and I
go through my bills,
add up what's owed,
sort out who gets what,
balance the books,
write the checks
- and settle all my business accounts.
- I'm sorry. Clarify:
You only pay
your bills twice a year?
That's the way
we do it in paradise.
Everyone has a paying season,
don't they, Truly?
Uh-huh. Mine is when
the bills come in,
but Fanny's system
works great too.
I divide all my bills
into four hatboxes.
Box #1 is for people who have
to get paid, like electric.
You only pay your
electric bill twice a year?
Well, I've known
Fred forever.
Box #2 is for people
who should get paid.
They've earned it,
they've waited,
so they get first shot
after people in box #1,
- the ones that have to get paid.
- Huh.
Now box #3 is for people
who might get paid.
Maybe they were too aggressive in their
billing practices or rude to deal with.
Whatever the reason,
they need to wait
until the other accounts
are settled,
and then if there's anything left
over, we'll see what we can do.
Now this last box--
we're not sure what's in here.
There are a lot of things
that might be receipts
or they might be trash,
but we're keeping them
in case we get audited.
Every day in your house is like
a Kristen Wiig film festival.
Go away now.
We're busy.
Okay fine,
but I'm taking the nuts.
These nuts.
You two can stay where you are.
Two-tops shall
remain two-tops.
Four-tops shall remain
four-tops.
No two at a four,
no four at a two--
mainly 'cause
there aren't enough chairs.
- Did you get that joke?
- Got it.
Good. Now most places tell their
employees they must wash their hands
every time they use
the bathroom. Not me.
I'm more of an every-20-minutes
guy myself. See this?
- Ouch.
- Yup, chapped raw. Bleed at night.
And that's not from plowing
fields, my friend.
- You know what that's from?
- Frequent hand washing.
Frequent hand washing.
Exactly.
Now I can't vouch for the guys
back there in the kitchen,
but up here I promise you can
eat right off our hands.
- Or with them.
- I'll handle the jokes for now.
- Sorry.
- Listen, wipe that table, will you?
I don't wipe tables now
that I'm a senior manager.
Now each table is named after
a college I want to go to.
The bigger the table, the more
I want to go to that college.
Amherst.
This is Berkeley.
You see that table
over there? Table six?
Seats eight. Harvard.
I really want
to go to Harvard.
Groups of three,
my section.
Be right with you guys.
Groups of two, your section;
Unless it looks like
they're on their first date,
then that's gonna
be my section.
Any group of kids that look
like they're coming in
to share a plate of fries--
your section.
Anyone with yoga pants--
your section.
Any women coming in
with shopping bags
and look like they're settling
in for the afternoon
to have some drinks,
complain about their husbands--
- your section.
- You're learning.
Now part of your job--
the dumpster jump.
I'm sorry. What?
If the trash is up
too high,
the top won't close and the
garbage truck won't pick it up,
so someone has to go inside
and squash the trash,
which is best accomplished
by a repetitive jumping motion.
- Up and down.
- You want me to get in the dumpster?
No, I don't want you to.
It's just part of the job.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
- Could you--
- What if I'm not here?
What if I'm off at Harvard?
What then?
Right.
( Grunts )
( Shrieks )
Good. Now jump.
Yeah. No,
give it some oomph.
More oomph. Come on.
You're a dancer, right?
Just give it some height.
Yeah, there you go.
Ah.
So do you have
a boyfriend?
- Ooh, so cute. Aids?
- Whales.
- Nice.
- Yeah, "Save the whales."
It's my cause, my thing.
It defines me.
So you're showing your
support for the environment
by wearing synthetic rubber
bands made from petroleum--
a valuable natural resource
that you're wasting--
- to make a statement?
- Well, they're pink.
- What's that smell?
- I know, all of a sudden it totally stinks.
- Are there horses on the property?
- No, it's not that.
- Did the septic tank back up?
- No, it's more of a smell
- like when my mom makes chili.
- Oh, you're right.
- It smells like a Super Bowl party.
- But an old Super Bowl party
from like the first Super Bowl and it's all
covered in burnt microwave popcorn.
I took
four showers, okay?
- It won't come out.
- Oh my God, it's you?
Yes, it's me. It's me.
The smell is me.
- But what happened?
- I got a job at the Oyster Bar.
People have to work.
The economy is bad.
- Watch the news.
- ( Girls cough )
I'll go change downwind.
- ( Sprays )
- ( Girls gag )
- Oh God.
- ( Coughs )
- Hey.
- God!
- What's going on in there?
- I--
Wait...
Sorry, manners.
Sal Russano, proprietor of
the local dancewear store--
- "Sal's Dancy Pants." Nice to meet you.
- Nice to--
I'm aware that Fanny's
paying season starts today,
and I just wanna know
what box I'm in...
- Oh.
- ...Because for the last three years I've been
in the might-get-paid box.
As it turns out, I never got paid.
Well, to be fair, you were
in the might-get-paid box.
I'm just saying if I get put into
the might-get-paid box again,
- I have to be paid.
- Then you'll be in the have-to-get-paid box.
Look, I don't care
how the system works.
I want my money.
I have expenses.
And I swear to God
if I don't get paid this year,
something's gonna happen.
You hear me? You tell Fanny
if I wind up in the wrong box,
I'm gonna come down there
and I'm gonna rip the toe shoes
right off those little girls.
- Wow.
- Mid-jete, they're coming off.
Okay, will do.
I'll tell her right after I call 911.
- You're a dancer.
- What?
- You look like a dancer from the back.
- Uh, yeah, I am.
I can always tell by the tush.
Dancers have a very specific tush,
and different kinds of dancers
have different kinds of tushes.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, tap dancer's tush is always higher,
'cause they keep jumping
up and down all the time.
Ballet dancers have
a nice centered tush.
Fosse's got
a very contoured tush--
a lot of side indentation.
But you-- you have
a sort of multi-tush.
I see some ballet,
a little tap,
maybe some modern.
That's a good trained tush.
- Thank you.
- What are you gonna do with that tush?
- Rent it out for functions?
- You live here now.
- Yes.
- No dance companies here.
- I know.
- No Broadway, no Regional.
We had "stomp" here once, but
that's a very specific thing.
Ever dance
with a trash-can cover?
- No.
- Well, then unless that tush can type,
- you should be dancing.
- I never said I wasn't.
You're not gonna have
that tush forever.
Can we talk about
my knees for a while?
Oh, and I sense some frustration
with this topic of conversation.
- Do ya?
- I'm done.
But just remember--
a tush is
a terrible thing to waste.
Come by the store.
First time, 50% off.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Remember to tel Fanny.
- Mid-jete,
shoes ripped off.
Got it.
Fanny, there's an ass-man
in your bushes
who wants to know
what box he's in.
Could that sound
any dirtier?
( Wind gusts )
I found your phone bill.
I can't reach it.
Is it important?
It's all important.
They're bills.
I told you we should start
putting this all on a computer.
Oh, so now this is my fault?
Who opened the door?
It's hot and you won't
put on the air conditioning!
( Wind gusts )
Oh! Oh, grab 'em!
Oh! Oh, for God's sake.
Half of march is
behind the TV.
I'm starting to wonder how you
ever made a profit at Sparkles.
( Angrily ) I have a
computer at Sparkles.
Calm down, I'll help.
Just remind me
what goes in which hatbox
and we'll have this system up
and not working in no time.
- What time is it?
- Please say time for your meds.
I have to go.
I have a class to teach.
- What?
- Yov can't just leave.
- Truly can handle this.
- The place is a wreck.
She's fine.
You're fine.
- See? She's fine.
- She's not fine!
- Look at her eyes. She's the girl who hides
- ( Door opens )
- the chicken under her bed in "Girl, Interrupted."
- ( Door closes )
There's too many.
There's too many!
Oh, to stay, to go?
To stay, to go-- gotta go.
Yo, flowers,
these are your finances.
You need to start
taking things seriously.
Since when do you have
such business acumen?
Since some guy named Sal
threatened to rip the toe shoes
off your students
if he doesn't get paid.
Sal's not gonna do that.
Sal's niece is in my class.
- Sal's a pussycat.
- Well, pussycat's mad.
In fact,
half this town is mad.
Gilda at the mini-mart
won't sell me a slushee
till she finds out if she's
a must, a might or a maybe.
- Just pay people, Fanny.
- It'll all get sorted out.
- Fanny, how much do you owe?
- That's what I'm figuring out.
- How much in your account?
- Before or after?
- Before or after what?
- Before or after I pay some of the people I owe.
- Or all the people you owe.
- That's not gonna happen.
- That's why I have hat boxes.
- Okay, that's it.
I'm going to go in there right now and
I'm going to find an accountant--
a real one with a desk and a
degree who you can't make cry.
Oh, Truly cries
over cloud cover.
- You have to ignore her.
- Go teach, Fanny.
- I got this.
- I'm not going to an accountant.
I'm not giving up
my hatboxes.
So the parents say it's cool
you guys come over Saturday night.
- I'm there.
- Ginny?
Sounds great.
Just let me check with my mom.
Ginny...
We all know
that's not your mom.
- Yes, it is. - There's a red heart
emoticon next to "hiya."
Seriously? You have to check
everything with Josh?
- Not everything.
- Everything. Every single damn thing.
Well, Saturday is
a big day for us, okay?
We have to do chores, pick up
potting soil for my mom's shed,
get stamps, take Grandma
to the button store.
- You are 100.
- Boo, your table.
Okay, we're good.
We'll do our CSIs on Sunday.
You guys have been together
since, what, third grade?
Second--
Miss Marsh's class.
First day he sat next to me
and by lunch that was it.
- We were soulmates.
- In second grade?
So what if I found my soulmate
in the second grade?
It's romantic.
And convenient.
Very practical.
One less thing for me to worry about.
- It's so weird.
- You like Josh.
I do like Josh.
It's still weird.
Yeah, who sticks with a decision
they made in the second grade?
I can't even stick with
decisions I made yesterday.
- Isn't that my shirt?
- You gave it to me.
- I want it back. See?
- ( Bell dings )
- All right, let's hear it.
- Hear what?
Yes, the jeans have pleats and I'm
wearing a button the size of my head.
- We're just here to be supportive.
- Yeah, and as pleats go,
they're not
that pleaty.
- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously, Boo,
it's not that big a deal.
You look fine.
Plus the whole place smells
like rancid onions, anyway,
- so you totally blend in.
- Uh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Now that that's behind us,
let's talk.
This little job of yours--
- what's in it for us?
- Meaning?
We are young women with no
monetary stability at the moment
and yet are so so hungry.
Alyssa Milano cries
when she sees us.
I can probably
sneak you guys some fries.
- Onion rings?
- Jeff counts the rings in the back.
- What about the mozzarella sticks?
- Possibility.
- What about the clams?
- ( Whispers ) You so do not want the clams.
How's this? Fries, breadsticks and
hide some chicken strips in there.
Ginny: No chicken for me.
We're vegetarians now.
- "We"?
- Yes, me and Josh-- we're vegetarians.
- Since when?
- Since Josh's cholesterol went up.
Wait, Josh has
high cholesterol?
- He's 15.
- It's not high high,
but it ticked up slightly and he
does have a family history of it.
My mistake.
You're 200.
Oh my God.
( Melanie gasps )
Whoa!
No way. Boo, when did Godot
get back from Costa Rica?
- Yesterday.
- And you didn't tell us?
I didn't know
I was supposed to.
Melanie: Oh, he's even cuter
than last year, isn't he?
Way cuter.
Ginny, look.
- No thanks.
- Oh, come on.
Just 'cause you have a boyfriend,
you can't even look at a cute guy?
That has nothing to do with it.
I don't think he's that cute.
You are the worst liar
in the world.
Melanie: Must be nice to having
your parents own a restaurant
so you can just come
and go whenever you want.
- For God's sake, Ginny.
- What?
I mean, what's there
to look at, anyway?
He's probably just standing
there with his shirt off.
- Is his shirt off?
- Yeah.
His shirt is off.
That's a God. He's a God.
Nobody tell Josh
I just saw God.
But I thought you
and Josh were soulmates.
I met him in the second grade.
How the hell am I supposed
to know if Josh is my soulmate,
for Christmas's sake?
Girls, I hate to interrupt this
installment of Occupy Oyster Bar,
but, Boo...
( Snaps fingers )
- What's he snapping about?
- You don't want to know.
Although the Bookkeeping
is unconventional,
there's enough raw data to allow me
to analyze the capital allowances.
Now if I could just find
the B2C debits or the B3Cs.
Hey. You made me come here.
Sorry, I'm back.
Continue with the--
okay, now as for the all-important
capital expenditures,
I've broken it into two parts.
We can't ignore
the significance of these
expenditures on the net losses.
( Crunching )
- Very classy.
- Don't you agree?
- I'm sorry.
- Am I talking too fast for you?
No, not at all.
If anything I wish he'd talk faster.
I mean, I'm just so bored.
Aren't you bored?
I haven't understood a word he
said since, "hi, my name is Bob."
Eric.
My name is Eric.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Let's just cut
to the chase.
( Sighs )
I've gone through everything
and your problem isn't just this
ludicrous organizational system.
- Your problem is income.
- Meaning?
You need some.
I mean, have you two sat down
and thought about how
all this is going to work?
Okay, let's start
with Michelle.
Wait, how did
I get into trouble?
Your husband
left you property,
two cars-- one that
works-- two small C.D.s,
a bank account that
if you manage very very wisely
will keep everything
going for a while,
but not forever.
You need some income.
The ballet school
helps, right?
Eric: It would if they
had any students.
Whoa, what are
you talking about?
That place is lousy with students.
Her classes are packed.
Sorry... paying students,
and according to these records,
most of the students do not pay.
They don't?
Is he right about this, Fanny?
I guess so. I'm assuming you
got us a decent accountant.
I'm sorry.
Why don't they all pay?
Well, there are
scholarships.
- How many scholarships?
- I don't know exactly.
- How many kids in the school?
- 75.
- And how many students pay?
- Nine.
- Nine?!
- Nine.
- Nine? Nine?
- You sound like a German.
- Nine?
- Are we done here?
- Nine?
- Come on.
- Nine!
- Say auf wiedersehen
- to the nice accountant man.
- Nine?
Nine?
- Fanny.
- ( Snaps fingers )
Fanny!
- Fanny.
- Ow! Ow!
I'm sorry,
but the whole way home
you were listening to--
really?
- I'm gonna make some tea.
- You weren't listening to anything.
- There's no music on this.
- I haven't had a chance to fill it yet.
The entire car ride you sat
there listening to nothing
like you're 15
and no one asked you to prom.
I wasn't in the mood
for a lecture.
We need
to talk about this.
And I'm still
not in the mood.
Look, as far as I can tell,
the Woo twins are
the only family
regularly paying for lessons.
I'm an artist, okay?
I don't think about money.
I'm here to create art
and to create other artists.
Any child who wants to dance
should be able to dance, period.
I respect that, I do, but given
the fact that hardly anyone pays,
they're technically
not dancers, they're squatters.
Squatters who dance--
sound very Pina Bausch.
You must like her--
she's German too.
You're in the business of teaching
and should be paid for it.
That's kind of how the whole
capitalist thing works.
Well, how about
a girl like Sarah?
Sarah's father lost
his job last month.
If Sarah stops
going to classes,
- she moves straight to crack.
- Really? Crack?
There's nothing between
toe shoes and crack?
- Not even a Grateful Dead album?
- It's my business.
I know, but it's our
place, our home,
and we need
to be able to pay for it.
The dance studio simply
can't survive like it is.
Hubbell's not around
to save the day any more.
For either of us.
So we need to start
thinking outside the box.
( Kettle whistling ) How about we add
some more classes? What about tap?
I don't know.
It's so loud when they tap around.
- It's tap.
- No tap.
Okay, fine. Then how about
some non-dance classes,
like zumba
or toddler classes?
People love to spend
money on toddlers.
Or dogs. You could teach one
of those dancing dog classes,
like on "Letterman" where people
ballroom dance with their Dalmatians?
I just lost the mature
person's upper hand, didn't I?
- Big time.
- Okay, fine. No dogs. But the other idea--
the one about
the more classes--
that should
be a start, right?
Sure, I'll just add
some baby classes...
- Good.
- ...And some tap classes
and some zumba classes
and some jazzercise
and dancing with the oldies.
And I'll do all of this
because I have so much
spare time and energy
after teaching
30 classes a week.
Unless you were thinking
of helping out.
- Me?
- You could teach.
Me? Teach?
No no no no no.
- Why not?
- No no no no. I don't teach.
Oh, I see.
So your plan was to drag me
to the accountant
to show me how much
money we don't have
and then do absolutely
nothing about it.
You want me to do
something about it?
I will. I'll get
your students to pay.
- What?
- You don't want to ask them, I will.
I can be the bad cop.
You don't believe me?
Ask Tia Zeleno.
Tia and I were working together
on the Celine Dion show
and she owed me $50.
Every week she said she didn't have it.
She had all these excuses
as to why she couldn't get it.
She sprained an ankle, rent,
kidney, blah blah blah.
I wound up having to steal
her shoes and key her car,
but that was
a whole boyfriend thing.
Anyhow guess who got
her 50 bucks back?
And boom!
That's how it's done!
So what do you think?
I think you'd be
a very good teacher.
Sorry, I can't hear you
over the music.
- Michelle--
- Ooh, it's a good song.
(Whispers) - Do you see him?
(Normal voice) - No, do you?
- Shh, not so loud.
- Sorry.
- ( Whispers ) I'm sorry.
- Sit.
Act casual.
So how do I look?
- Good. How do I look?
- Good.
- Not as good as me, but good.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Will you two please stop acting so obvious?
What happened
to having a boyfriend?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I am just here
to hang out with you guys.
- In that?
- What?
Oh this? I'm seeing Josh later.
This is for Josh.
This is all for Josh.
Except for he only gets
to touch 20% of it.
- Pshaw.
- Man: Hey, ladies.
It's him, 3:00.
Oh, he's taller and
better-looking than yesterday.
- Bastard!
- I'm just happy he's finally wearing a shirt.
So what's the plan?
Yeah, what are we going to do
besides sit here and stare at him?
Which, by the way, is exactly what that
table over there is already doing.
Welcome
to the Oyster Bar.
Here are your French fries that
you ordered before coming in.
Now I'm going to tell you
about today's specials.
Boo, you don't need
to do that.
Would you like me to start
with the appetizers first?
- Not really.
- We can't even afford the free fries.
My manager's watching, so I am
going to act like you are all
super interested in hearing every
one of today's delicious specials.
'Kay?
Today we have shrimp parmesan,
eggplant diablo, clams casino
and blackened mahi mahi.
How about some waters
to go with the fries?
- Mmm.
- And more ketchup.
Coming right up!
- You done?
- I'm good. Thanks, bro.
Okay, we can take
a break from staring.
So what? We're gonna sit here,
not staring until he comes over?
'Cause then I'm not sure
what's gonna bring him over.
At least if we do stare,
there's a chance
he'll come over to tell us
not to be so creepy.
I'm just having one of those
days that feels like a lifetime.
Ever have one of those lifetime days filled
with crazy people who don't make any sense?
- Uh--
- Well--
Now I don't want to badmouth
anyone-- like Fanny--
but some people are so crazy--
like Fanny--
that they can't even see that they need to
take responsibility for their actions--
like Fanny Fanny Fanny
Fanny Fanny, you know?
- Why are you hanging out with us?
- 'Cause you have fries.
And Fanny makes me want fries--
no, need fries.
Believe me, you would be
willing to hang out with kids
15 years younger than you
if you had my life lately.
- 20 years younger.
- Let's say 17 and split the difference.
Mm, these are so good.
Why are you guys all dressed
for a quinceanera?
- We're not.
- And you smell like oranges.
We have fruit in our bags.
We're dancers, we eat fruit.
Oh, come on, you can tell me,
I just shared.
Wait, what are
you looking--
Oh hey, what do you need?
Aha.
Hello, moondoggy!
Would you stop being so obvious?!
Turn around!
Okay.
Who is he?
- His name is Godot.
- So you're all "Waiting for Godot"?
You're so lucky
you have fries.
- He's Rico and Nina's son.
- He's back in town.
He's been gone for months
traveling the world to surf.
- And he's gorgeous.
- ( Sniffs )
- Oh hi, Boo.
- How did you know it was me?
- Uh, you know, you have a distinctive... walk.
- Smell.
- No offense.
- I thought I blended in here!
So what's your angle
with this guy?
- What are your moves?
- We don't really have any.
Oh, so you need me to help?
Cool.
Okay, first thing to know
about guys like that
is keep your sentences short.
Don't mention Tolstoy or math,
it will just make you sad. Oh, and it really
helps if you have a car and an income,
- 'cause that guy's got nothin'.
- Thanks.
And he never will. No money, no car,
no thoughts of money or a car.
Trust me, if there's a second set of
shorts at home, you've hit the jackpot.
- Got it.
- Good. Oh, and he won't start showering till he's 30.
Or he's been skunked.
Don't know why. It's a thing.
Young pretty guys like that will
do anything to get out of bathing.
- Johnny Depp moved to France.
- Could you please just go?
Oh right yeah,
I'm cramping your style.
Here, I'm gonna--
I'm just gonna--
All right, surf's up!
Rock on!
- Wear sunscreen.
- Leave!
( Laughs )
This is stupid.
I feel stupid.
You're right.
We should just go.
- We can't go.
- Well then, what are we gonna do?
'Cause I don't want
to just keep sitting here.
I bet I can get him
to give me a drink.
- You can not.
- Just watch.
( Sighs )
Whoops.
Can't take me anywhere.
What do I want?
Such a good
selection here.
The place
across the street,
they only have half as many
bottles as this place does,
maybe even fewer bottles at
that other bar I've been to
where they have
almost no bottles
on the bottle shelf.
You, however,
have a lot of bottles.
Yep.
So do you like
bartending?
Do you want something
from the bar?
Sure,
I'll have a, uh, a...
A Temple Grandin.
A what?
Just a cup of cherries,
please.
- Good?
- Thanks.
- Those are cherries.
- I know, right?
He's a lot of work.
( Yelps )
Ew.
- ( Groans )
- What are you doing?
- Dumpster jumping.
- For, like, a contest?
No.
It's part of my job.
- What job?
- My job.
So you're like the trash-compactor
girl or something?
Waitress.
Are there customers
in there?
No, just trash.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I'm just trying to
grasp the whole
concept here.
Why are you doing that?
- Well, Jeff said--
- ( Mimics buzzer )
I'm sorry.
Jeff made you do that?
- Douche.
- No, no douche.
- Douchebag. Out.
- But--
- get out of the trash, senorita.
- But Jeff's the senior manager.
There is
no senior manager
or junior manager
or manager.
The parents aren't
really into labels. Out.
Relax, I'll handle Jeff-- tell him
Harvard burned down and watch him cry.
- He'd cry really hard.
- Yeah. You know about table six, right?
- Ooh yes.
- Oh yeah.
Ooh.
Thanks.
- Gnarly.
- Oh yeah.
- There's a lot of sauces in there.
- Here, wear this, it's clean.
Really?
Thanks.
Oh my God!
Have you been here all day?
- Yes ma'am.
- Working?
In the kitchen?
The same kitchen I work in?
- Why?
- 'Cause my shirt smells like hoarders,
but this-- this--
smells like a coconut
snickerdoodle.
Spend a year surfing
crystal waves,
hiking up insane mountains
above the Caribbean,
watching dazzling
Costa Rican sunsets--
that will change your smell.
- Completely.
- Wow.
Well, I should get
back to work,
- but thanks for the shirt.
- It's all just fabric to me.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wear dark green tights
with the Daisy,
light green with the tulip.
No trading!
They try that every year
and it never works.
- Kids.
- You said it.
That's a weeping willow,
not a peeping willow, Darla.
Back down where it was.
Make sure all your friends and
family buy their tickets soon.
The spring flower festival
is very popular
and this year we have that flower
that only blooms once a year
and smells terrible,
tickets are going fast.
If you need alterations,
take your costumes
to Sparkles.
Truly is doing
fittings every afternoon
from 4:00 to 6:00.
Now we'll need extra
rehearsal time this week,
so all adagio classes
will be running late.
Extra-long classes for the same
price as regular classes?
Wow, what a bargain!
I'll say one thing about Balanchine,
he never gave you a break.
Charged eight bucks for a sandwich too.
If you have your costumes and
your instructions, you can go.
Excuse me a sec.
That's my cue.
Okay hello, people, hello hello hello.
A moment please!
Plenty of time later to discuss how adorable
little Timmy's gonna be as a petunia.
And he is. But right now I have something
else that needs to be discussed.
- What are you doing?
- Bad cop.
- What?
- Chiklis.
Hear ye,
hear ye, hear ye...
- Fanny: Michelle.
- How's everybody doing tonight?
Aren't those flower costumes great?
A hand for Fanny.
Does this woman do
a hell of a job or what?
She is da bomb at making sure
your kids don't bomb, am I right?
- Please stop.
- Okay, so as everyone knows,
the first of the month
is next week.
And you all know what happens
on the first of the month?
Well, in most parts of the
world, payment is due.
That's right.
Now I know in the past
Paradise Dance Academy's policy
on paying has been a little lax,
but times,
they are a changin'.
So starting now, everyone
needs to pay for lessons.
Costumes like these
don't grow on trees.
Even the tree costumes do not grow on trees.
We are running a business.
You bring your kids here to learn.
You want them to dance?
You want fame?
Well, fame costs.
And right here's where
you start paying.
In money! I know you thought
I was going to say "sweat,"
but we don't need sweat, we need money!
You hear me?
The gravy train is over.
The bus of freeloading has
reached its destination.
It's time to get off
and open a purse!
Nothing, and I mean
nothing in life is free!
Yes, of course
it's all still free.
What I meant was is, uh,
I'm heavily medicated
and... yes, Fanny was just
as surprised as anybody.
Anyway, so I'm really sorry
that I made little Lucy cry
and I hope you'll consider bringing her
back so she can rehearse for next weekend.
Yes, my doctors
are discussing
a dosage increase
as we speak.
- ( Phone ringing )
- Can you hold on a sec?
Paradise Dance Academy.
Thank you so much
for getting back to me, Katie.
Ms. Williams, of course.
I just wanted to apologize
for going into your purse
and grabbing your wallet like that.
It was more for dramatic effect
than anything else.
You understand.
Had I any idea that you had
that arrangement with Fanny...
Four mortgages?
Wow, that's a lot of mortgage.
Okay, can we count
on seeing Pam Saturday?
20 feet away from you
and your family.
I do understand.
Thank you.
( Phones ringing )
Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Woo.
Yes, I know it seems like
you're the only family
paying full price for lessons,
but that's just because Fanny
loves your girls the best.
Yup yup, okay,
that'll work.
See you Saturday.
Well, the good news is
I managed to get back the bees,
a tulip and one weeping willow.
The bad news-- the Woo twins
get half off for two months
and we have to buy
their gas for a year.
How proud Chiklis
must be right now.
- I'm so sorry.
- Six months of rehearsing for this show
and I have half a flower
garden to deal with.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, Fanny.
But the snapdragons won't even call me back
and the pussy willow's mom
is a snot!
You better figure something out, because if
we don't have enough people for that show,
- you'll be wearing this.
- I'm trying.
- What's plan "B"?
- I'll keep making calls
- until I have everyone back.
- And then what?
- And then I'll have everyone back.
- Then we're back to square one.
Actually, square -1
since the Woo twins
- are now half off.
- I don't know what you want me to do.
- I want you to say you'll teach.
- No.
I can add more classes,
we can grow the business.
- I don't teach.
- You've never tried.
- I don't teach.
- Then what do you do since leaving Vegas,
except sleep with possums and fill the
recycle bin with trashy magazines?
- I have calls to make.
- I've seen you with those kids, you're good.
There are a lot
of good teachers.
That dance you had them
do for me?
You put that together in hours.
And that night you showed up with Hubbell--
- that dance audition-- you're a natural.
- So what?
They like you.
They connect with you.
I don't want them to get too connected.
I may not stay here forever.
- Then teach temporarily.
- I don't do anything half-assed.
- Currently you don't do anything at all.
- Enough, Fanny.
- Try, just try!
- No!
Now I'm sorry that
I screwed up your show
but I don't teach! You teach!
That's you! Not me!
- Tell Boo to hurry up. We're already late.
- You're not coming in?
I don't feel the need to smell
like burnt garbage at the moment.
- You're not even going to turn off the car?
- No. Why?
It's weird.
It's like we're robbing the place.
- Boo could've been in the car by now.
- Fine.
- Don't abandon us here.
- I'll weigh my decision carefully.
Oh, there she is.
Godot: Bettina!
- Who's Bettina?
- That's Boo.
You're kidding.
I thought her name was Boo.
- Boo is short for Bettina.
- Oh.
How is Boo short
for Bettina?
When did those two
become friends?
Look how close to him
she is-- inches.
- So lucky.
- Sasha: Yes.
Standing inches from a
bartender is incredibly lucky.
There's no other situation in the entire
world where you could possibly do that.
Except for every happy hour in the world.
She just peaked.
- This is like a drive-in movie.
- A really bad one.
Yeah, a really good
bad drive-in movie.
Give it a listen,
let me know what you think.
But I'm betting a blown mind
is coming your way.
- Sounds dangerous.
- People say he's the father of surf music.
Dude practically invented
the reverb sound
- on the strings of his Stratocaster.
- Awesome.
- I'll give it listen the minute I get home.
- I want a full report tomorrow.
Aye aye, Captain.
Hey!
Ready?
So what was
that all about?
- What?
- You and Godot?
- Looked cozy.
- Like all that was missing was a slow jam.
Please.
He's a friend.
- A friendly friend?
- We were just talking.
Yeah? What happened after you used
up the 10 words in his vocabulary?
We were talking about music.
He gave me this CD
- to listen to. See?
- Cool.
A CD?
That's current.
Hey...
How come you don't smell?
Ever since
he gave me his shirt,
it's like I totally
don't smell any more.
It's like I have
this smell force field.
- He gave you his shirt?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- What?
- Nothing.
Nice tartar sauce
on your pants.
- ( Soft rock music playing )
- ( Vocalizing )
Welcome welcome, everyone.
And now to kick off
the flower show,
the advanced class
of the Paradise Dance Academy
will perform their
"Tribute to Spring."
an original ballet
that tells the story
of nature's struggle against
the forces of industrialism.
It's entitled
"Paper or Plastic."
I hope you enjoy it.
- So you got them all back.
- All but two.
I had to pay those two concession
chicks five bucks to stand there.
- "Paper or Plastic"?
- Mm-hmm.
( Music playing )
Fanny: See, it starts with nature,
free and happy.
Then the forces
of evil enter.
Michelle: The supermarket cashier?
That's right.
A force ignorant
of the evil she's doing,
blinded by money
and corruption.
A supermarket cashier
blinded by money?
What supermarket
do you shop in?
Then comes the moment the
fatal question is asked...
Paper
or plastic?
( Laughing )
This is nuts.
A vicious battle ensues.
The hero enters.
- The canvas tote!
- The canvas tote!
I always forget
that canvas tote.
Its motives are pure,
but it's just one force
against an army
of nonrenewable
resources.
The battle ends.
The die is cast.
The cashier looks around
at the utter destruction
she's wrought...
And goes on break.
I'm sorry,
so nature dies?
Yep.
So it's a happy ending?
You're diabolical.
- It is one of my best.
- That was awesome!
It was.
And it was fun--
putting it together,
working with the kids.
You know, just because you
teach, doesn't mean it's over.
Fanny, that was amazing.
Your best yet.
- Thank you, Sal. - I know.
When the ecosystem broke down.
- so did I.
- I'm glad.
Screw Martha Graham!
Screw her.
Honey, go get a pretzel.
Oh, and I want to thank you
ladies for the shout out.
Really big of you.
So that makes us square until next
paying season, right, Sal?
Absolutely.
- You're an ice skater, right?
- Don't look at my tush.
You've got a little bit
of an Oksana Baiul going on.
It's creepy, Sal.
It's creepy.
Does he realize that he
still hasn't gotten paid?
Nope.
And he never will.
Michelle, Prince Charming
here for you again.
What?
Oh, come on!
He's sweet and harmless.
Every time he comes to town he brings
you things and buys you dinner.
Marry me.
Well. this is it.
Our home.
- Oh, I could stay here forever.
- That's the plan.
Who's this?
Mom!
Yes, Mom!
Hubbell was in a car accident last night.
- Madame Fanny's Hubbell?
- Yep.
- Bad?
- Yep.
- And...?
- He's...
- What? He's what?
- You know.
- I don't know.
- Oh my God, he's dead?
- Paperwork?
- Just some signatures.
- Signature for what?
- For the will transfer.
I thought he told you.
He called me on the way back from Vegas.
- He left everything to you.
- Fanny: Homeless?
- You're not homeless.
- Talk about the fact that I'm jobless?
- You're not jobless!
- Fanny: As of today, you own the ballet school.
No, you own the school.
I just own the building
and the land the school
is sitting on.
Are you leaving?
I don't know.
This is
your home, Fanny.
You are gonna live here
and I'm going to move
into the guest house.
- ( Birds chirping )
- ( Distant barking )
( Shakily exhales )
( Whispers ) Oh my.
( Cellphone dials )
( Whispers ) There's
something in my bed.
What? Speak up.
I can't hear you.
( Softly ) There's
something in my bed.
Oh. Well, just give him
some cab fare
- and change the locks.
- It's not a man.
- It's a thing.
- A thing?
- A nature thing.
- Like a Tsunami?
No, like a pointy,
furry, long-tailed thing
- with little hand-claws.
- Like a rat?
- Oh my God, is it a rat?
- I don't know what it is.
- I'm asking you if it's a rat.
- I hate rats.
- Just get out of bed.
- I can't. I can't move.
- Michelle.
- I'm paralyzed with rat fear.
- Just take a picture.
- For posterity?!
Take a picture of the thing
with your cellphone
and send it to me
so I can see what it is
- and end this conversation.
- Oh. O-o-o-- okay, that's a good idea.
- Should I say "cheese"?
- Now you're making jokes?
Sorry, I toured with
David Brenner for a year.
- ( Softly ) Okay.
- ( Beeps )
- ( Camera shutter clicks )
- Ugh.
( Beeps )
Okay, I just
sent it to you.
( Beeps )
- It's not a rat.
- Oh good.
- It's a possum...
- Oh.
...which is basically
a really big rat.
Okay, have you ever worked
at a crisis hotline before?
- 'Cause you got mad people skills.
- It won't hurt you.
They only attack
if they're in heat.
Or is that bears?
I don't know.
I'm not Jack Hanna.
Grab a frying pan
and bang it on the head.
Okay, first of all,
I don't cook.
And second of all, I'm not
banging it on its head,
'cause if I do and his giant
rat friends get wind of it,
they'll start circulating giant rat
wanted posters with my face on 'em,
and I could wake up one morning
and find myself surrounded
by a giant rat posse.
Come save me.
- I'm hanging up now.
- To come save me?
Yes, I'll be right there.
( Beeps )
She's not coming
to save me.
- ( Hissing )
- Ah! Ah.
( Theme music playing )
Bunheads 1x05 - Money for Nothing
Original air date July 16, 2012
- Fanny: Fallon Meats, 724.
- Truly: 724.
Box 1.
Fritzy's Cleaners, 162.
- 162.
- It moved and I fled.
- Box 2.
- Do you have any peanut butter?
Handyman, 88.14.
- We need a cheaper handyman
- I was thinking
if I put some peanut butter
on some crackers
and then stick it
just outside the front door,
I could coax him out and have
a place to live again.
- Stationary store...
- You don't have any peanut butter.
- ...99.75.
- ...or crackers.
- No, wait-- 76.
- or food.
No. 75.
I'm sorry.
Is that a five or a six?
- It's a three.
- Oh. 99.73.
You think a possum
would like powdered yeast?
- What are you doing in my kitchen?
- I told you.
- Ooh, nuts. Do they like nuts?
- Who?
- Michelle has a visitor in her bedroom.
- Already?
It's a possum.
He's in my bed.
Oh. Oh, that's horrifying.
It is horrifying.
You know, truly,
I can't go back in there
until he's gone.
Maybe I could bunk with you tonight?
What do you say?
We could practice
kissing our pillows,
pull a "fast times at Richmond High"
with some carrot sticks.
I never know what
you're talking about.
- Neither does she.
- Hey, what's going on?
- It's paying season.
- What's paying season?
Twice a year, Truly and I
go through my bills,
add up what's owed,
sort out who gets what,
balance the books,
write the checks
- and settle all my business accounts.
- I'm sorry. Clarify:
You only pay
your bills twice a year?
That's the way
we do it in paradise.
Everyone has a paying season,
don't they, Truly?
Uh-huh. Mine is when
the bills come in,
but Fanny's system
works great too.
I divide all my bills
into four hatboxes.
Box #1 is for people who have
to get paid, like electric.
You only pay your
electric bill twice a year?
Well, I've known
Fred forever.
Box #2 is for people
who should get paid.
They've earned it,
they've waited,
so they get first shot
after people in box #1,
- the ones that have to get paid.
- Huh.
Now box #3 is for people
who might get paid.
Maybe they were too aggressive in their
billing practices or rude to deal with.
Whatever the reason,
they need to wait
until the other accounts
are settled,
and then if there's anything left
over, we'll see what we can do.
Now this last box--
we're not sure what's in here.
There are a lot of things
that might be receipts
or they might be trash,
but we're keeping them
in case we get audited.
Every day in your house is like
a Kristen Wiig film festival.
Go away now.
We're busy.
Okay fine,
but I'm taking the nuts.
These nuts.
You two can stay where you are.
Two-tops shall
remain two-tops.
Four-tops shall remain
four-tops.
No two at a four,
no four at a two--
mainly 'cause
there aren't enough chairs.
- Did you get that joke?
- Got it.
Good. Now most places tell their
employees they must wash their hands
every time they use
the bathroom. Not me.
I'm more of an every-20-minutes
guy myself. See this?
- Ouch.
- Yup, chapped raw. Bleed at night.
And that's not from plowing
fields, my friend.
- You know what that's from?
- Frequent hand washing.
Frequent hand washing.
Exactly.
Now I can't vouch for the guys
back there in the kitchen,
but up here I promise you can
eat right off our hands.
- Or with them.
- I'll handle the jokes for now.
- Sorry.
- Listen, wipe that table, will you?
I don't wipe tables now
that I'm a senior manager.
Now each table is named after
a college I want to go to.
The bigger the table, the more
I want to go to that college.
Amherst.
This is Berkeley.
You see that table
over there? Table six?
Seats eight. Harvard.
I really want
to go to Harvard.
Groups of three,
my section.
Be right with you guys.
Groups of two, your section;
Unless it looks like
they're on their first date,
then that's gonna
be my section.
Any group of kids that look
like they're coming in
to share a plate of fries--
your section.
Anyone with yoga pants--
your section.
Any women coming in
with shopping bags
and look like they're settling
in for the afternoon
to have some drinks,
complain about their husbands--
- your section.
- You're learning.
Now part of your job--
the dumpster jump.
I'm sorry. What?
If the trash is up
too high,
the top won't close and the
garbage truck won't pick it up,
so someone has to go inside
and squash the trash,
which is best accomplished
by a repetitive jumping motion.
- Up and down.
- You want me to get in the dumpster?
No, I don't want you to.
It's just part of the job.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
- Could you--
- What if I'm not here?
What if I'm off at Harvard?
What then?
Right.
( Grunts )
( Shrieks )
Good. Now jump.
Yeah. No,
give it some oomph.
More oomph. Come on.
You're a dancer, right?
Just give it some height.
Yeah, there you go.
Ah.
So do you have
a boyfriend?
- Ooh, so cute. Aids?
- Whales.
- Nice.
- Yeah, "Save the whales."
It's my cause, my thing.
It defines me.
So you're showing your
support for the environment
by wearing synthetic rubber
bands made from petroleum--
a valuable natural resource
that you're wasting--
- to make a statement?
- Well, they're pink.
- What's that smell?
- I know, all of a sudden it totally stinks.
- Are there horses on the property?
- No, it's not that.
- Did the septic tank back up?
- No, it's more of a smell
- like when my mom makes chili.
- Oh, you're right.
- It smells like a Super Bowl party.
- But an old Super Bowl party
from like the first Super Bowl and it's all
covered in burnt microwave popcorn.
I took
four showers, okay?
- It won't come out.
- Oh my God, it's you?
Yes, it's me. It's me.
The smell is me.
- But what happened?
- I got a job at the Oyster Bar.
People have to work.
The economy is bad.
- Watch the news.
- ( Girls cough )
I'll go change downwind.
- ( Sprays )
- ( Girls gag )
- Oh God.
- ( Coughs )
- Hey.
- God!
- What's going on in there?
- I--
Wait...
Sorry, manners.
Sal Russano, proprietor of
the local dancewear store--
- "Sal's Dancy Pants." Nice to meet you.
- Nice to--
I'm aware that Fanny's
paying season starts today,
and I just wanna know
what box I'm in...
- Oh.
- ...Because for the last three years I've been
in the might-get-paid box.
As it turns out, I never got paid.
Well, to be fair, you were
in the might-get-paid box.
I'm just saying if I get put into
the might-get-paid box again,
- I have to be paid.
- Then you'll be in the have-to-get-paid box.
Look, I don't care
how the system works.
I want my money.
I have expenses.
And I swear to God
if I don't get paid this year,
something's gonna happen.
You hear me? You tell Fanny
if I wind up in the wrong box,
I'm gonna come down there
and I'm gonna rip the toe shoes
right off those little girls.
- Wow.
- Mid-jete, they're coming off.
Okay, will do.
I'll tell her right after I call 911.
- You're a dancer.
- What?
- You look like a dancer from the back.
- Uh, yeah, I am.
I can always tell by the tush.
Dancers have a very specific tush,
and different kinds of dancers
have different kinds of tushes.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, tap dancer's tush is always higher,
'cause they keep jumping
up and down all the time.
Ballet dancers have
a nice centered tush.
Fosse's got
a very contoured tush--
a lot of side indentation.
But you-- you have
a sort of multi-tush.
I see some ballet,
a little tap,
maybe some modern.
That's a good trained tush.
- Thank you.
- What are you gonna do with that tush?
- Rent it out for functions?
- You live here now.
- Yes.
- No dance companies here.
- I know.
- No Broadway, no Regional.
We had "stomp" here once, but
that's a very specific thing.
Ever dance
with a trash-can cover?
- No.
- Well, then unless that tush can type,
- you should be dancing.
- I never said I wasn't.
You're not gonna have
that tush forever.
Can we talk about
my knees for a while?
Oh, and I sense some frustration
with this topic of conversation.
- Do ya?
- I'm done.
But just remember--
a tush is
a terrible thing to waste.
Come by the store.
First time, 50% off.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Remember to tel Fanny.
- Mid-jete,
shoes ripped off.
Got it.
Fanny, there's an ass-man
in your bushes
who wants to know
what box he's in.
Could that sound
any dirtier?
( Wind gusts )
I found your phone bill.
I can't reach it.
Is it important?
It's all important.
They're bills.
I told you we should start
putting this all on a computer.
Oh, so now this is my fault?
Who opened the door?
It's hot and you won't
put on the air conditioning!
( Wind gusts )
Oh! Oh, grab 'em!
Oh! Oh, for God's sake.
Half of march is
behind the TV.
I'm starting to wonder how you
ever made a profit at Sparkles.
( Angrily ) I have a
computer at Sparkles.
Calm down, I'll help.
Just remind me
what goes in which hatbox
and we'll have this system up
and not working in no time.
- What time is it?
- Please say time for your meds.
I have to go.
I have a class to teach.
- What?
- Yov can't just leave.
- Truly can handle this.
- The place is a wreck.
She's fine.
You're fine.
- See? She's fine.
- She's not fine!
- Look at her eyes. She's the girl who hides
- ( Door opens )
- the chicken under her bed in "Girl, Interrupted."
- ( Door closes )
There's too many.
There's too many!
Oh, to stay, to go?
To stay, to go-- gotta go.
Yo, flowers,
these are your finances.
You need to start
taking things seriously.
Since when do you have
such business acumen?
Since some guy named Sal
threatened to rip the toe shoes
off your students
if he doesn't get paid.
Sal's not gonna do that.
Sal's niece is in my class.
- Sal's a pussycat.
- Well, pussycat's mad.
In fact,
half this town is mad.
Gilda at the mini-mart
won't sell me a slushee
till she finds out if she's
a must, a might or a maybe.
- Just pay people, Fanny.
- It'll all get sorted out.
- Fanny, how much do you owe?
- That's what I'm figuring out.
- How much in your account?
- Before or after?
- Before or after what?
- Before or after I pay some of the people I owe.
- Or all the people you owe.
- That's not gonna happen.
- That's why I have hat boxes.
- Okay, that's it.
I'm going to go in there right now and
I'm going to find an accountant--
a real one with a desk and a
degree who you can't make cry.
Oh, Truly cries
over cloud cover.
- You have to ignore her.
- Go teach, Fanny.
- I got this.
- I'm not going to an accountant.
I'm not giving up
my hatboxes.
So the parents say it's cool
you guys come over Saturday night.
- I'm there.
- Ginny?
Sounds great.
Just let me check with my mom.
Ginny...
We all know
that's not your mom.
- Yes, it is. - There's a red heart
emoticon next to "hiya."
Seriously? You have to check
everything with Josh?
- Not everything.
- Everything. Every single damn thing.
Well, Saturday is
a big day for us, okay?
We have to do chores, pick up
potting soil for my mom's shed,
get stamps, take Grandma
to the button store.
- You are 100.
- Boo, your table.
Okay, we're good.
We'll do our CSIs on Sunday.
You guys have been together
since, what, third grade?
Second--
Miss Marsh's class.
First day he sat next to me
and by lunch that was it.
- We were soulmates.
- In second grade?
So what if I found my soulmate
in the second grade?
It's romantic.
And convenient.
Very practical.
One less thing for me to worry about.
- It's so weird.
- You like Josh.
I do like Josh.
It's still weird.
Yeah, who sticks with a decision
they made in the second grade?
I can't even stick with
decisions I made yesterday.
- Isn't that my shirt?
- You gave it to me.
- I want it back. See?
- ( Bell dings )
- All right, let's hear it.
- Hear what?
Yes, the jeans have pleats and I'm
wearing a button the size of my head.
- We're just here to be supportive.
- Yeah, and as pleats go,
they're not
that pleaty.
- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously, Boo,
it's not that big a deal.
You look fine.
Plus the whole place smells
like rancid onions, anyway,
- so you totally blend in.
- Uh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Now that that's behind us,
let's talk.
This little job of yours--
- what's in it for us?
- Meaning?
We are young women with no
monetary stability at the moment
and yet are so so hungry.
Alyssa Milano cries
when she sees us.
I can probably
sneak you guys some fries.
- Onion rings?
- Jeff counts the rings in the back.
- What about the mozzarella sticks?
- Possibility.
- What about the clams?
- ( Whispers ) You so do not want the clams.
How's this? Fries, breadsticks and
hide some chicken strips in there.
Ginny: No chicken for me.
We're vegetarians now.
- "We"?
- Yes, me and Josh-- we're vegetarians.
- Since when?
- Since Josh's cholesterol went up.
Wait, Josh has
high cholesterol?
- He's 15.
- It's not high high,
but it ticked up slightly and he
does have a family history of it.
My mistake.
You're 200.
Oh my God.
( Melanie gasps )
Whoa!
No way. Boo, when did Godot
get back from Costa Rica?
- Yesterday.
- And you didn't tell us?
I didn't know
I was supposed to.
Melanie: Oh, he's even cuter
than last year, isn't he?
Way cuter.
Ginny, look.
- No thanks.
- Oh, come on.
Just 'cause you have a boyfriend,
you can't even look at a cute guy?
That has nothing to do with it.
I don't think he's that cute.
You are the worst liar
in the world.
Melanie: Must be nice to having
your parents own a restaurant
so you can just come
and go whenever you want.
- For God's sake, Ginny.
- What?
I mean, what's there
to look at, anyway?
He's probably just standing
there with his shirt off.
- Is his shirt off?
- Yeah.
His shirt is off.
That's a God. He's a God.
Nobody tell Josh
I just saw God.
But I thought you
and Josh were soulmates.
I met him in the second grade.
How the hell am I supposed
to know if Josh is my soulmate,
for Christmas's sake?
Girls, I hate to interrupt this
installment of Occupy Oyster Bar,
but, Boo...
( Snaps fingers )
- What's he snapping about?
- You don't want to know.
Although the Bookkeeping
is unconventional,
there's enough raw data to allow me
to analyze the capital allowances.
Now if I could just find
the B2C debits or the B3Cs.
Hey. You made me come here.
Sorry, I'm back.
Continue with the--
okay, now as for the all-important
capital expenditures,
I've broken it into two parts.
We can't ignore
the significance of these
expenditures on the net losses.
( Crunching )
- Very classy.
- Don't you agree?
- I'm sorry.
- Am I talking too fast for you?
No, not at all.
If anything I wish he'd talk faster.
I mean, I'm just so bored.
Aren't you bored?
I haven't understood a word he
said since, "hi, my name is Bob."
Eric.
My name is Eric.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Let's just cut
to the chase.
( Sighs )
I've gone through everything
and your problem isn't just this
ludicrous organizational system.
- Your problem is income.
- Meaning?
You need some.
I mean, have you two sat down
and thought about how
all this is going to work?
Okay, let's start
with Michelle.
Wait, how did
I get into trouble?
Your husband
left you property,
two cars-- one that
works-- two small C.D.s,
a bank account that
if you manage very very wisely
will keep everything
going for a while,
but not forever.
You need some income.
The ballet school
helps, right?
Eric: It would if they
had any students.
Whoa, what are
you talking about?
That place is lousy with students.
Her classes are packed.
Sorry... paying students,
and according to these records,
most of the students do not pay.
They don't?
Is he right about this, Fanny?
I guess so. I'm assuming you
got us a decent accountant.
I'm sorry.
Why don't they all pay?
Well, there are
scholarships.
- How many scholarships?
- I don't know exactly.
- How many kids in the school?
- 75.
- And how many students pay?
- Nine.
- Nine?!
- Nine.
- Nine? Nine?
- You sound like a German.
- Nine?
- Are we done here?
- Nine?
- Come on.
- Nine!
- Say auf wiedersehen
- to the nice accountant man.
- Nine?
Nine?
- Fanny.
- ( Snaps fingers )
Fanny!
- Fanny.
- Ow! Ow!
I'm sorry,
but the whole way home
you were listening to--
really?
- I'm gonna make some tea.
- You weren't listening to anything.
- There's no music on this.
- I haven't had a chance to fill it yet.
The entire car ride you sat
there listening to nothing
like you're 15
and no one asked you to prom.
I wasn't in the mood
for a lecture.
We need
to talk about this.
And I'm still
not in the mood.
Look, as far as I can tell,
the Woo twins are
the only family
regularly paying for lessons.
I'm an artist, okay?
I don't think about money.
I'm here to create art
and to create other artists.
Any child who wants to dance
should be able to dance, period.
I respect that, I do, but given
the fact that hardly anyone pays,
they're technically
not dancers, they're squatters.
Squatters who dance--
sound very Pina Bausch.
You must like her--
she's German too.
You're in the business of teaching
and should be paid for it.
That's kind of how the whole
capitalist thing works.
Well, how about
a girl like Sarah?
Sarah's father lost
his job last month.
If Sarah stops
going to classes,
- she moves straight to crack.
- Really? Crack?
There's nothing between
toe shoes and crack?
- Not even a Grateful Dead album?
- It's my business.
I know, but it's our
place, our home,
and we need
to be able to pay for it.
The dance studio simply
can't survive like it is.
Hubbell's not around
to save the day any more.
For either of us.
So we need to start
thinking outside the box.
( Kettle whistling ) How about we add
some more classes? What about tap?
I don't know.
It's so loud when they tap around.
- It's tap.
- No tap.
Okay, fine. Then how about
some non-dance classes,
like zumba
or toddler classes?
People love to spend
money on toddlers.
Or dogs. You could teach one
of those dancing dog classes,
like on "Letterman" where people
ballroom dance with their Dalmatians?
I just lost the mature
person's upper hand, didn't I?
- Big time.
- Okay, fine. No dogs. But the other idea--
the one about
the more classes--
that should
be a start, right?
Sure, I'll just add
some baby classes...
- Good.
- ...And some tap classes
and some zumba classes
and some jazzercise
and dancing with the oldies.
And I'll do all of this
because I have so much
spare time and energy
after teaching
30 classes a week.
Unless you were thinking
of helping out.
- Me?
- You could teach.
Me? Teach?
No no no no no.
- Why not?
- No no no no. I don't teach.
Oh, I see.
So your plan was to drag me
to the accountant
to show me how much
money we don't have
and then do absolutely
nothing about it.
You want me to do
something about it?
I will. I'll get
your students to pay.
- What?
- You don't want to ask them, I will.
I can be the bad cop.
You don't believe me?
Ask Tia Zeleno.
Tia and I were working together
on the Celine Dion show
and she owed me $50.
Every week she said she didn't have it.
She had all these excuses
as to why she couldn't get it.
She sprained an ankle, rent,
kidney, blah blah blah.
I wound up having to steal
her shoes and key her car,
but that was
a whole boyfriend thing.
Anyhow guess who got
her 50 bucks back?
And boom!
That's how it's done!
So what do you think?
I think you'd be
a very good teacher.
Sorry, I can't hear you
over the music.
- Michelle--
- Ooh, it's a good song.
(Whispers) - Do you see him?
(Normal voice) - No, do you?
- Shh, not so loud.
- Sorry.
- ( Whispers ) I'm sorry.
- Sit.
Act casual.
So how do I look?
- Good. How do I look?
- Good.
- Not as good as me, but good.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Will you two please stop acting so obvious?
What happened
to having a boyfriend?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I am just here
to hang out with you guys.
- In that?
- What?
Oh this? I'm seeing Josh later.
This is for Josh.
This is all for Josh.
Except for he only gets
to touch 20% of it.
- Pshaw.
- Man: Hey, ladies.
It's him, 3:00.
Oh, he's taller and
better-looking than yesterday.
- Bastard!
- I'm just happy he's finally wearing a shirt.
So what's the plan?
Yeah, what are we going to do
besides sit here and stare at him?
Which, by the way, is exactly what that
table over there is already doing.
Welcome
to the Oyster Bar.
Here are your French fries that
you ordered before coming in.
Now I'm going to tell you
about today's specials.
Boo, you don't need
to do that.
Would you like me to start
with the appetizers first?
- Not really.
- We can't even afford the free fries.
My manager's watching, so I am
going to act like you are all
super interested in hearing every
one of today's delicious specials.
'Kay?
Today we have shrimp parmesan,
eggplant diablo, clams casino
and blackened mahi mahi.
How about some waters
to go with the fries?
- Mmm.
- And more ketchup.
Coming right up!
- You done?
- I'm good. Thanks, bro.
Okay, we can take
a break from staring.
So what? We're gonna sit here,
not staring until he comes over?
'Cause then I'm not sure
what's gonna bring him over.
At least if we do stare,
there's a chance
he'll come over to tell us
not to be so creepy.
I'm just having one of those
days that feels like a lifetime.
Ever have one of those lifetime days filled
with crazy people who don't make any sense?
- Uh--
- Well--
Now I don't want to badmouth
anyone-- like Fanny--
but some people are so crazy--
like Fanny--
that they can't even see that they need to
take responsibility for their actions--
like Fanny Fanny Fanny
Fanny Fanny, you know?
- Why are you hanging out with us?
- 'Cause you have fries.
And Fanny makes me want fries--
no, need fries.
Believe me, you would be
willing to hang out with kids
15 years younger than you
if you had my life lately.
- 20 years younger.
- Let's say 17 and split the difference.
Mm, these are so good.
Why are you guys all dressed
for a quinceanera?
- We're not.
- And you smell like oranges.
We have fruit in our bags.
We're dancers, we eat fruit.
Oh, come on, you can tell me,
I just shared.
Wait, what are
you looking--
Oh hey, what do you need?
Aha.
Hello, moondoggy!
Would you stop being so obvious?!
Turn around!
Okay.
Who is he?
- His name is Godot.
- So you're all "Waiting for Godot"?
You're so lucky
you have fries.
- He's Rico and Nina's son.
- He's back in town.
He's been gone for months
traveling the world to surf.
- And he's gorgeous.
- ( Sniffs )
- Oh hi, Boo.
- How did you know it was me?
- Uh, you know, you have a distinctive... walk.
- Smell.
- No offense.
- I thought I blended in here!
So what's your angle
with this guy?
- What are your moves?
- We don't really have any.
Oh, so you need me to help?
Cool.
Okay, first thing to know
about guys like that
is keep your sentences short.
Don't mention Tolstoy or math,
it will just make you sad. Oh, and it really
helps if you have a car and an income,
- 'cause that guy's got nothin'.
- Thanks.
And he never will. No money, no car,
no thoughts of money or a car.
Trust me, if there's a second set of
shorts at home, you've hit the jackpot.
- Got it.
- Good. Oh, and he won't start showering till he's 30.
Or he's been skunked.
Don't know why. It's a thing.
Young pretty guys like that will
do anything to get out of bathing.
- Johnny Depp moved to France.
- Could you please just go?
Oh right yeah,
I'm cramping your style.
Here, I'm gonna--
I'm just gonna--
All right, surf's up!
Rock on!
- Wear sunscreen.
- Leave!
( Laughs )
This is stupid.
I feel stupid.
You're right.
We should just go.
- We can't go.
- Well then, what are we gonna do?
'Cause I don't want
to just keep sitting here.
I bet I can get him
to give me a drink.
- You can not.
- Just watch.
( Sighs )
Whoops.
Can't take me anywhere.
What do I want?
Such a good
selection here.
The place
across the street,
they only have half as many
bottles as this place does,
maybe even fewer bottles at
that other bar I've been to
where they have
almost no bottles
on the bottle shelf.
You, however,
have a lot of bottles.
Yep.
So do you like
bartending?
Do you want something
from the bar?
Sure,
I'll have a, uh, a...
A Temple Grandin.
A what?
Just a cup of cherries,
please.
- Good?
- Thanks.
- Those are cherries.
- I know, right?
He's a lot of work.
( Yelps )
Ew.
- ( Groans )
- What are you doing?
- Dumpster jumping.
- For, like, a contest?
No.
It's part of my job.
- What job?
- My job.
So you're like the trash-compactor
girl or something?
Waitress.
Are there customers
in there?
No, just trash.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I'm just trying to
grasp the whole
concept here.
Why are you doing that?
- Well, Jeff said--
- ( Mimics buzzer )
I'm sorry.
Jeff made you do that?
- Douche.
- No, no douche.
- Douchebag. Out.
- But--
- get out of the trash, senorita.
- But Jeff's the senior manager.
There is
no senior manager
or junior manager
or manager.
The parents aren't
really into labels. Out.
Relax, I'll handle Jeff-- tell him
Harvard burned down and watch him cry.
- He'd cry really hard.
- Yeah. You know about table six, right?
- Ooh yes.
- Oh yeah.
Ooh.
Thanks.
- Gnarly.
- Oh yeah.
- There's a lot of sauces in there.
- Here, wear this, it's clean.
Really?
Thanks.
Oh my God!
Have you been here all day?
- Yes ma'am.
- Working?
In the kitchen?
The same kitchen I work in?
- Why?
- 'Cause my shirt smells like hoarders,
but this-- this--
smells like a coconut
snickerdoodle.
Spend a year surfing
crystal waves,
hiking up insane mountains
above the Caribbean,
watching dazzling
Costa Rican sunsets--
that will change your smell.
- Completely.
- Wow.
Well, I should get
back to work,
- but thanks for the shirt.
- It's all just fabric to me.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wear dark green tights
with the Daisy,
light green with the tulip.
No trading!
They try that every year
and it never works.
- Kids.
- You said it.
That's a weeping willow,
not a peeping willow, Darla.
Back down where it was.
Make sure all your friends and
family buy their tickets soon.
The spring flower festival
is very popular
and this year we have that flower
that only blooms once a year
and smells terrible,
tickets are going fast.
If you need alterations,
take your costumes
to Sparkles.
Truly is doing
fittings every afternoon
from 4:00 to 6:00.
Now we'll need extra
rehearsal time this week,
so all adagio classes
will be running late.
Extra-long classes for the same
price as regular classes?
Wow, what a bargain!
I'll say one thing about Balanchine,
he never gave you a break.
Charged eight bucks for a sandwich too.
If you have your costumes and
your instructions, you can go.
Excuse me a sec.
That's my cue.
Okay hello, people, hello hello hello.
A moment please!
Plenty of time later to discuss how adorable
little Timmy's gonna be as a petunia.
And he is. But right now I have something
else that needs to be discussed.
- What are you doing?
- Bad cop.
- What?
- Chiklis.
Hear ye,
hear ye, hear ye...
- Fanny: Michelle.
- How's everybody doing tonight?
Aren't those flower costumes great?
A hand for Fanny.
Does this woman do
a hell of a job or what?
She is da bomb at making sure
your kids don't bomb, am I right?
- Please stop.
- Okay, so as everyone knows,
the first of the month
is next week.
And you all know what happens
on the first of the month?
Well, in most parts of the
world, payment is due.
That's right.
Now I know in the past
Paradise Dance Academy's policy
on paying has been a little lax,
but times,
they are a changin'.
So starting now, everyone
needs to pay for lessons.
Costumes like these
don't grow on trees.
Even the tree costumes do not grow on trees.
We are running a business.
You bring your kids here to learn.
You want them to dance?
You want fame?
Well, fame costs.
And right here's where
you start paying.
In money! I know you thought
I was going to say "sweat,"
but we don't need sweat, we need money!
You hear me?
The gravy train is over.
The bus of freeloading has
reached its destination.
It's time to get off
and open a purse!
Nothing, and I mean
nothing in life is free!
Yes, of course
it's all still free.
What I meant was is, uh,
I'm heavily medicated
and... yes, Fanny was just
as surprised as anybody.
Anyway, so I'm really sorry
that I made little Lucy cry
and I hope you'll consider bringing her
back so she can rehearse for next weekend.
Yes, my doctors
are discussing
a dosage increase
as we speak.
- ( Phone ringing )
- Can you hold on a sec?
Paradise Dance Academy.
Thank you so much
for getting back to me, Katie.
Ms. Williams, of course.
I just wanted to apologize
for going into your purse
and grabbing your wallet like that.
It was more for dramatic effect
than anything else.
You understand.
Had I any idea that you had
that arrangement with Fanny...
Four mortgages?
Wow, that's a lot of mortgage.
Okay, can we count
on seeing Pam Saturday?
20 feet away from you
and your family.
I do understand.
Thank you.
( Phones ringing )
Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Woo.
Yes, I know it seems like
you're the only family
paying full price for lessons,
but that's just because Fanny
loves your girls the best.
Yup yup, okay,
that'll work.
See you Saturday.
Well, the good news is
I managed to get back the bees,
a tulip and one weeping willow.
The bad news-- the Woo twins
get half off for two months
and we have to buy
their gas for a year.
How proud Chiklis
must be right now.
- I'm so sorry.
- Six months of rehearsing for this show
and I have half a flower
garden to deal with.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, Fanny.
But the snapdragons won't even call me back
and the pussy willow's mom
is a snot!
You better figure something out, because if
we don't have enough people for that show,
- you'll be wearing this.
- I'm trying.
- What's plan "B"?
- I'll keep making calls
- until I have everyone back.
- And then what?
- And then I'll have everyone back.
- Then we're back to square one.
Actually, square -1
since the Woo twins
- are now half off.
- I don't know what you want me to do.
- I want you to say you'll teach.
- No.
I can add more classes,
we can grow the business.
- I don't teach.
- You've never tried.
- I don't teach.
- Then what do you do since leaving Vegas,
except sleep with possums and fill the
recycle bin with trashy magazines?
- I have calls to make.
- I've seen you with those kids, you're good.
There are a lot
of good teachers.
That dance you had them
do for me?
You put that together in hours.
And that night you showed up with Hubbell--
- that dance audition-- you're a natural.
- So what?
They like you.
They connect with you.
I don't want them to get too connected.
I may not stay here forever.
- Then teach temporarily.
- I don't do anything half-assed.
- Currently you don't do anything at all.
- Enough, Fanny.
- Try, just try!
- No!
Now I'm sorry that
I screwed up your show
but I don't teach! You teach!
That's you! Not me!
- Tell Boo to hurry up. We're already late.
- You're not coming in?
I don't feel the need to smell
like burnt garbage at the moment.
- You're not even going to turn off the car?
- No. Why?
It's weird.
It's like we're robbing the place.
- Boo could've been in the car by now.
- Fine.
- Don't abandon us here.
- I'll weigh my decision carefully.
Oh, there she is.
Godot: Bettina!
- Who's Bettina?
- That's Boo.
You're kidding.
I thought her name was Boo.
- Boo is short for Bettina.
- Oh.
How is Boo short
for Bettina?
When did those two
become friends?
Look how close to him
she is-- inches.
- So lucky.
- Sasha: Yes.
Standing inches from a
bartender is incredibly lucky.
There's no other situation in the entire
world where you could possibly do that.
Except for every happy hour in the world.
She just peaked.
- This is like a drive-in movie.
- A really bad one.
Yeah, a really good
bad drive-in movie.
Give it a listen,
let me know what you think.
But I'm betting a blown mind
is coming your way.
- Sounds dangerous.
- People say he's the father of surf music.
Dude practically invented
the reverb sound
- on the strings of his Stratocaster.
- Awesome.
- I'll give it listen the minute I get home.
- I want a full report tomorrow.
Aye aye, Captain.
Hey!
Ready?
So what was
that all about?
- What?
- You and Godot?
- Looked cozy.
- Like all that was missing was a slow jam.
Please.
He's a friend.
- A friendly friend?
- We were just talking.
Yeah? What happened after you used
up the 10 words in his vocabulary?
We were talking about music.
He gave me this CD
- to listen to. See?
- Cool.
A CD?
That's current.
Hey...
How come you don't smell?
Ever since
he gave me his shirt,
it's like I totally
don't smell any more.
It's like I have
this smell force field.
- He gave you his shirt?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- What?
- Nothing.
Nice tartar sauce
on your pants.
- ( Soft rock music playing )
- ( Vocalizing )
Welcome welcome, everyone.
And now to kick off
the flower show,
the advanced class
of the Paradise Dance Academy
will perform their
"Tribute to Spring."
an original ballet
that tells the story
of nature's struggle against
the forces of industrialism.
It's entitled
"Paper or Plastic."
I hope you enjoy it.
- So you got them all back.
- All but two.
I had to pay those two concession
chicks five bucks to stand there.
- "Paper or Plastic"?
- Mm-hmm.
( Music playing )
Fanny: See, it starts with nature,
free and happy.
Then the forces
of evil enter.
Michelle: The supermarket cashier?
That's right.
A force ignorant
of the evil she's doing,
blinded by money
and corruption.
A supermarket cashier
blinded by money?
What supermarket
do you shop in?
Then comes the moment the
fatal question is asked...
Paper
or plastic?
( Laughing )
This is nuts.
A vicious battle ensues.
The hero enters.
- The canvas tote!
- The canvas tote!
I always forget
that canvas tote.
Its motives are pure,
but it's just one force
against an army
of nonrenewable
resources.
The battle ends.
The die is cast.
The cashier looks around
at the utter destruction
she's wrought...
And goes on break.
I'm sorry,
so nature dies?
Yep.
So it's a happy ending?
You're diabolical.
- It is one of my best.
- That was awesome!
It was.
And it was fun--
putting it together,
working with the kids.
You know, just because you
teach, doesn't mean it's over.
Fanny, that was amazing.
Your best yet.
- Thank you, Sal. - I know.
When the ecosystem broke down.
- so did I.
- I'm glad.
Screw Martha Graham!
Screw her.
Honey, go get a pretzel.
Oh, and I want to thank you
ladies for the shout out.
Really big of you.
So that makes us square until next
paying season, right, Sal?
Absolutely.
- You're an ice skater, right?
- Don't look at my tush.
You've got a little bit
of an Oksana Baiul going on.
It's creepy, Sal.
It's creepy.
Does he realize that he
still hasn't gotten paid?
Nope.
And he never will.