Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Better Luck Next Year! - full transcript

Previously on Bunheads...

Joffrey's School of Ballet
will be coming here

to hold auditions next week

for their summer scholarship program.

I was thinking I was gonna try out.

Well, it certainly can't hurt.

God, Boo, why don't you
just give them a lap dance?

- I could kill Sascha.
- She's so awful.

She's having a bad day.

You have no idea what
it's like to be me, boo.

Don't psychoanalyze me,
feel sorry for me



or defend me.
I'm fine.

Michelle:
This is your home, Fanny.

You are going to live here,

and I'm going to move
into the guesthouse.

It is not possible that all
of this stuff is mine.

It's a physical impossibility.

I'm pretty sure it's all yours.

A-ha!
"Pretty sure."

- That's not absolutely sure...
- I'm pretty absolutely sure.

- It's all on the manifest.
- Whoa there, partner.

- Where you going with that?
- He's just taking it inside.

What? No. I don't have enough
inside for all of this to go in.

I mean how many
more boxes are there?

These are all the boxes.



What's left is just furniture.

Furniture?
Oh my God.

That stupid landlord.

You want a little backstory?

To tell you the truth,
I really don't--

See, I had to leave
Vegas in a hurry.

I wasn't running from
the law or anything.

I just bolted really quickly

and left all my stuff
in my apartment,

so I made a deal with the
landlord to ship it.

Only he threw in stuff that
isn't even mine for sure.

I mean this? Does this look
like something I would own?

Me? Actually,
this is mine.

I have a crazy aunt who
has a thing for Mexico.

But the bulk of this
stuff-- no way!

Comin' through.
Watch your backs.

Oh my God.
Oh my God.

The buffet?
Are you joking?

- It's on the manifest.
- But this is one of the old pieces

of crap furniture that was
in the place when I took it.

I never even touched it
after that first day

when I opened this drawer,
and there was this

thing in it.
( Small gasp )

The thing's
still there. Wow.

- I'm not taking this!
- We have to leave it.

- It's on the--
- It's on the manifest.

- I know.
- ( Clock bell tolls )

Oh.

Well. Hello there, grandpa.

Nice to see you.

I need these
dirt patches filled in.

I know there's not
enough sun to ain it.

But just to get me
through the auditions.

And I want to plant flowers
along the base of the studio

and all around the back.

Color!
Think color.

What's going on here?

- I'm being robbed in reverse.
- What?

Things are being brought to
me that I do not own or want.

Do not say what
you're about to say.

Follow me.

Follow me!

Oh, me? Okay.

Every barre is loose,
so tighten them.

Now the audio.

The left speaker on the stereo

is still staticky even after
you fixed it the last time,

so please look at it again.

The new mirror is over there.

Please put that up first,

so that I know
that it's perfect.

And get all that
stuff out of there.

- Did you hear me?
- Hear what?

Get all of that stuff
in the driveway

- out of there.
- Sorry, you're cues today

on who you're talking to
are a little vague.

Now, the thing about
the stuff--

is that it's all
going bye-bye.

- Yes, but--
- No buts.

I'm trying to deal with it, Fanny.
It's just more

than I thought there
was going to be.

I mean I didn't want any of that
furniture shipped. It's junk!

- Was it on the manifest?
- ( Angrily ) Yes.

( Whines )
But it's not even mine.

I mean I took this place in
Vegas partially furnished

because at the time
I was coming off

of a partially
unhappy relationship

with this guy
that I lived with--

more unhappy than partial.

And I thought, "great!
Less stuff to buy."

But, oh my God, the stuff
in this apartment--

I mean the grandfather clock
actually has a cutout in the back,

like clemenza used it
to stash a gun for Michael

to shoot the police chief with.

Wait.

Who killed a police chief?

Michael in
"the godfather."

Oh my God.

How long did I tune you out

that you went
all the way there?

So I'm just saying
all of that stuff

- will be gone--
- Immediately.

- If not immediately--
- Then immediately.

So if there's any extra
storage nooks or crannies

that I could temporarily
put some of this stuff in,

- that would be--
- No.

There are no nooks,
there are no crannies--

not with
the joffrey people coming.

I don't want them
accidently opening a door

and the end table
from "blue velvet"

lands on their heads.

( Whining )
But it's so much stuff.

Make it disappear.
Like David Copperfield.

That's a Vegas reference.

You know how David Copperfield

makes stuff disappear?

Actually, I don't.

David Copperfield is
a very professional magician

who honors the value of keeping the
mystery of the magical arts alive.

I'm feeling very fatalistic
about all this.

- Is there any more?
- Not much more.

Do me a solid and make
like David Copperfield.

- The magician?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

( Sighs ) I didn't think so.

( Theme music playing )

( Gasps ) Garlic hummus

with the super
crunchy pita chips.

We should get that.

- Nope.
- Just the pita chips?

Put the bag down, mom.

Thanks.

- Here.
- They look so crunchy.

Let's go find some radishes.

That sounds fun.

I do like my fancy
shopping bag.

We are so global bringing our chemist
totes like this.

I only had to bug you
for a year to get you to do it.

It was the picture
of that seagull choking

on that plastic bag
that did it.

Made me cry.

And now this makes me happy.

Like that seagull
choked for a reason.

- Look how colorful!
- ( Sighs ) Boo!

Ah, this stuff's beautiful.

- Boring!
- We'll get 2 bundles of the radishes.

We already have
turnips, celery.

I'm just trying to be good.

The joffrey auditions
are in one week.

Now is crunch time.

Get it?
Cruntime.

( Chuckles )
A thing as having

too much of a good thing.

Let's get something fun.

I did.
I got edamame.

( Sarcastically )
Hooray for edamame!

( Gasps ) Look!

The homemade peanut butter cups

from the hippie place
in topanga canyon.

It's a miracle they have these.

They're usually all off
on their naked retreat

- this time of year.
- No.

- Come on.
- No.

- Get them for me then.
- I'm not stopping you.

It's more fun when
we eat stuff together.

- Mom.
- I just--

I worry a little bit.
I mean this joffrey audition

- seems so important.
- It is so important.

You were so disappointed
last year

when you didn't
get in, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

You cried all week long,

I got you that
cake to cheer you up

and we ate the whole thing,
every bit of it.

That was a good cake.

( Exhales ) So good.

But this year's different.
I'm better.

I'm a better dancer,
I'm in better shape--

You are in perfect shape.

You are perfect.

I'm ready.
I know I'm ready.

Okay, but if it
doesn't work out--

It will, you'll see.

Okay. Just checking.

Kettle corn!

Ah, keep moving.
Keep moving

popcorn's a whole grain.

The Southern lady
on the food channel

- said so.
- ( Gasps ) Ooh, kale.

( Sighs )

( Country music playing )

( Spits )

Hot.
Is that hot?

Ooh, that's hot.

( Hissing )

Uh-oh, spadoodle-ohs.

- ( Clangs )
- Oh! Uh!

- ( Hissing louder )
- Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Help!
Help! Anybody!

Anybody? Anyone who knows
anything about gas?

- ( Thuds )
- Ow!

Ah!

It's like a storage
facility in here.

- Fanny?
- Why are your doors open?

- Why are you here?
- And why is your window open?

- Is everything okay?
- Aren't you freezing?

- It's freezing in here.
- That's what I just said.

- Are the windows open?
- And the door.

I left the door open?

We have got to get out of this

mobius strip of conversation

- or I'll scream.
- Oh, get used to it.

- I'm slow to awaken.
- We don't sleep together.

Why should I get used to it?

- Bright!
- Well, I have to see.

Everything was open
'cause the place

filled up with gas
from the stove.

I had to air it out or die.

We got it off eventually.

We?
Who's we?

Me and your guy.

- What guy?
- Oh, the guy with the beard.

He was outside and asked
if I needed help.

So he helped.

I don't have a guy.

Then who the hell was that?

I don't know.
Maybe a stalker

or Charlie manson's kid brher.

I thought he was your guy.

Boy, the beard made
him seem so kind,

like Lincoln.

This place is a mess.

It's 'cause I have
too much stuff,

and too little place.

When joffrey is here
it cannot be this way.

I'll be a laughingstock.

I have no kitchen.
I've just discovered that.

The fridge is hot,
the stove is busted

and I can't open three
of the cupboard doors.

This hasn't been
a working kitchen for years.

Well, can I borrow
your kitchen?

Why not? I mean,
technically it's yours.

No. It's yours.
I'd just be borrowing it.

Be my guest. Just
don't come too early.

- Or I'll wake you up?
- Yes.

That would be rude.

Did you pack this?

No, my dirty little
landlord did.

Well he has no respect
for possessions.

But he alphabetized my cds.

That's weird, right?

That sounds weird.

I wouldn't wear any of this
underwear until you wash it.

Do you have hangers?

In the armoire.

You're very peppy Miller.

I don't sleep much.

But sleep is sublime!

Oh, I sleep, but I only
need two or three hours.

And the middle of the night

is the perfect time
to get things done,

- when all the noises of the day have dissipated.
- Fanny, don't do that.

- I don't mind.
- No. I don't mean you don't have to do that.

I mean, don't do that.

But if you don't unpack,
all your stuff

will smell like box.

Do you hang sweaters
or fold them?

Fold.

This reminds me of when
I first left home

to study dance out of town.

I was only 16.

My God. Can you imagine?
16 and out of the house.

The week before I left,
my mother gave me this book,

"how a young lady
should do things."

It was this ancient
little tiny leathery thing.

Sounds like my Vegas landlord.

I read it cover to cover. A lot
of it was corny and out-of-date.

I mean there was a chapter on how
to look ladylike in a rumble seat.

But it was charming too.

I learned housekeeping,
etiquette,

the best packing rules.

You have three tiaras.

Mm-hmm.

Why would anyone need
one cheap party store tiara,

- let alone three?
- It is so too much the middle of the night

to be sussing something
like this out.

This one still has
a price tag on it.

Good.
I can return it.

I will say it's nice to
have someone to talk to.

It's so quiet around here

- in the middle of the night.
- Mmm.

Someone to talk to.

( Music stops )

( Music continues )

There's room at the barre.

I'm good.

See the dancing show
last night?

Yup.

I don't know who
half the people are--

A bunch of
washed-up alcoholics.

Mm-hmm.

And we saw Michelle
in her underwear.

( Flatly ) Wow.

Sorry to bother you.

Simple sandwiches--
nice variety

and small.

These are for ballerinas
and their moms.

No dagwoods.

You're grimacing.
Why are you grimacing?

- You know what weird?
- What?

I get hungover after
nights I don't drink.

- That is weird. - I mean I got Jon Bonham
banging around up there.

I haven't had a drink
since Thursday.

Maybe it's a sugar thing.

Did you eat too much sugar?

I don't eat sugar.

Wait.

I did drink last night.

- Good grief.
- And I had a candy bar.

- So it was a combo.
- Could I get both of you

to focus please?

- Sorry, Fanny.
- Yeah, I'm cool. Let's do this.

So on the sandwiches-- keep
the crusts, lose the crusts?

- Lose them. It's classier,
- Wait wait wait. I'm not cutting the crusts

off of anything, not again.
I cut my finger last time.

So have someone else
cut off the crusts.

Crusts are the best part.

Why would you
cut off the crusts?

I like crusts too.

Rico, if you're not willing
to do what I need you to do,

I will take my business
elsewhere.

I'm cool with that.

Fine!
Keep the crusts.

Now, the salads. I need you
to dress them lightly.

Last year it was as if
you waterboarded them.

( Laughs )

What's so funny?

"Waterboarded the salads," man.

- That's sick.
- "Don't waterboard the salads."

- Got it, Fanny.
- Good.

Now. On to
the welcome refreshments.

Those weren't
the welcome refreshments?

Yeah. I thought
those were

the welcome refreshments.

No, guys. Those were
the afternoon snacks.

Aren't you listening?

- I'm trying.
- How much are these people gonna eat?

Rico! How are you ever
gonna make it as a caterer

with that sort of attitude?

I'm not trying to
make it as a caterer.

I'm just gonna make
you some sandwiches.

( Sighs ) Oh drag!

- We're still open.
- Aw, I'm dealing with Fanny here.

Nina, we're catering
that thing again.

- You're not a caterer.
- I told her I'm not a caterer.

- He's not a caterer.
- ( Mouths )

We're just trying to bank
some extra scratch,

so we don't have to stay
open seven days a week.

We're open seven days a week?

Who made that decision?

I don't know.
One of us at some point.

- ( Softly ) It's stupid.
- I know!

( Cellphone ringing )

Of course!
Lisa from the Joffrey.

Now what?

Hello?

Yes, hello, Lisa.
What's up?

I see.

Okay, uh--

Well, I can be back at the
house in, oh, 10 minutes.

I'll read it
and I'll call you back.

Thanks for the heads up.

Yeah. Bye now.

I have to go home.

Bad news?
What'd she say?

She didn't. She just
said they're sending

a fax.

And that's a bad thing?

- ( Door opens )
- I guess that's a bad thing.

Hey! Try to find
out how hungry

they all think
they're gonna be!

( Door closes )
Fanny: Five days!

- Five days notice?
- Five days.

Five days. What am I
supposed to do in five days?

- I don't know. It's horrible.
- ( Door opens )

It's horrible and insulting,

because this was on purpose.

- Hey, Fanny, can I--
- Shh-shh-shh-shh!

Okay?
What's happening?

( Emphatically ) Joffrey sent

- a fax.
- Wow.

There's still fax machines?

Fanny, I know that this
isn't the best time,

but it's kind
of important. Sorry.

- What?
- Is my toilet on a timer?

- What?
- Well it only seems to work

at certain times of the day.

Like right now
it's 11:30,

and it conked out again.

It did the same thing yesterday

at the exact
same time-- 11:30.

This is the worst
possible moment

to be talking about
your toilet.

Well, there's never
really a good time

to discuss a toilet,
in my experience.

What's wrong, Fanny?

The Joffrey has sent a fax.

The fax being their bomb-dropping
vehicle of choice.

- What's it say?
- They're cancelling the auditions.

Oh-- oh my God!
Those poor girls.

They've been
preparing for weeks.

Are they just doing away
with the summer program?

No, they're still
holding the auditions,

but they're holding
them somewhere else.

Oh wow--
Short notice! Why?

Read for yourself.

"Dear Fanny, once again,
it's been a pleasure working

with you on the 2012 Joffrey
summer program auditions

for Southern California, and we
hope this letter finds you well.

We were wondering
if you could provide an update on the state

of the wood floor
in the dance studio.

It's our last piece
of outstanding business.

In advance, we thank you."
Et cetera, et cetera.

I'm confused.
What's the problem?

- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?

- They just lopped my head off...
- "Game of thrones."

- ...with no warning.
- Ned-Starked her.

I'm re-reading. I see nothing
about a head, a guillotine,

an evil boy king
with mommy issues.

I'm behind here.

They've cancelled on me.

It says nothing
about cancellation!

Well, you don't speak Joffrey.

That's what it says!

I disagree. Truly,
be the tiebreaker here.

Oh, no. I'm no good
at breaking ties.

I'm good at being
in the majority

after the majority
has already voted,

so I can see which way
things are gonna go.

That's... my thing.

12 years I've hosted
these auditions,

only to be jettisoned
like a used tire.

Did I deserve this?

- No!
- I don't know. I mean no.

Of course not.

Hey, do you do curtains?

( Door shuts )

( Acoustic guitar
music playing )

All right, let's see.

French, German, Asian language,

Chinese, Spanish.
Where's English?

English.

( Acoustic guitar music playing )
All right.

Come on.

( Sighs )

( Sighs )

You're better than this.

There is no English!
There is no English!

( Groans )

- ( Sighs )
- ( Clatters )

Fanny: I hate that you're giving
me the runaround like this.

Because I'm getting
the runaround.

That's why I'm complaining
about getting the runaround.

Now, sweetie, saying you don't
mean to be giving me the runaround

doesn't mean
it's not happening.

You sound young.
How young are you?

19?

And you're Lisa's assistant?

You're not Lisa's assistant.

Then who are you?

I'm talking to an intern.

Why didn't you tell me
you were an intern?

No, identifying yourself
is part of your job,

along with sharpening pencils
and fetching frappuccinos.

Now have someone who's at
least two notches above you

and born in the last century,
call me back quickly.

Please. Goodbye.

- Sounds tense.
- What do you need?

I just wanted to sneak
in and grab the toolbox.

I'm having a little
curtain rod trouble.

It's where it always is.

Oh. By the way,
I think I figured out

why Sylvia Plath
killed herself.

She was trying
to hang a curtain rod.

She probably tried to hang
herself on the curtain rod,

but it broke,
so it was on to plan B.

So, really bad call?

It's over. Joffrey's
moving the auditions.

You're kidding?
Where?

- Ojai.
- Ohio? Really?

Not Ohio--
Ojai.

It's that slum
30 miles north of here.

You can all go. We've
done enough for today.

But we never even started.

Go!

It's the kidnapping
capital of California.

- What is?
- Ojai.

They mistreat animals too.

Oh, that Kelly Breen.
That evil Kelly Breen.

- Joffrey lady?
- Owns the dance studio in Ojai.

She's been lobbying
for this every year,

and she finally got her way.

She almost got it last year,
but then that flood hit them

and all those people died,
and so she lost out.

Close call.

It was a close call.

So wait? Ojai.

You know, now that
I think about it,

I've heard really good
things about that place.

Impossible. It's dirty and
all the people are high

on mushrooms and wear sandals.

No, on TV. I saw this
whole thing about it

on "Samantha brown."

Oh, she was walking
around this great spa.

Getting seaweed wraps, playing
golf on this gorgeous course.

And at pink hour, they served
a giant platter of shrimp.

I don't know who
this Samantha brown is,

but she sounds like an idiot.

No no no,
she's this ex-actress

and now she has
this travel show

and she gets to go
to fun places.

Well, she's obviously
a very good actress

if she made you believe
she liked Ojai,

because Ojai is a pit!

No, she doesn't act
on her show,

it's just her
walking around places.

I don't want to talk
about this woman anymore.

Or Ojai.

I think I'm missing
something here.

The girls still get
to audition, right?

Ojai's not that far.

Of course they can audition.

I won't be there,
but they can be.

They why? Why is it so important
that they're held here?

It's so much work.

You really don't
get it, do you?

But I do.

All right, the floor
is a little funky.

There's loose boards,
it needs a sanding,

and they want it fixed.
So if you want

the auditions here
so damn much,

fix the damn floors.

Oh.

Fix it!

Why didn't I think of that?

Fix the floor.

Pay the money to get someone

to come in and fix the floor.

- Yes.
- Okay!

Well, I'll just go
out back to the barn

and get my goose
that lays the golden eggs

and I'll squeeze one of those
little suckers out of her--

One should do it.
Or wait,

how about this?

I'll wait for the magical
rainbow that will lead me

to where the sprightly elf

has hidden the pot of gold.

And I'll grab those gold coins

and whatever
other treasure he has--

maybe a crown
or some ingots--

and then I'll have
the money to fix the floor.

I'm picking up
a wee bit of snark here,

so I'm going to take my toolbox

and leave you to spiral
down the rabbit hole

you've jumped into.
Send a postcard!

Great. Perfect.

Your timing is perfect!

- Geez.
- My point shoes are broken.

Broken.
There's no way

I'm getting through
the Joffrey auditions.

So buy another pair.

Buy another pair.
That's genius.

A really genius idea.
Thanks for that.

- I just meant--
- It doesn't matter.

( Sighs ) Just ask your mom.

My mom just bought me
these two months ago.

There's no way
she's going to spring

for a brand-new
pair now.

Just for the auditions?

Especially since she thinks

there's no way I'm getting in.

- That's not true.
- It's completely true!

She thinks I'm a loser,
and that I'm totally

gonna crap out along with
everybody else in this place.

- She didn't say that.
- She didn't have to.

- The cake did.
- What cake?

The cake in the fridge
with the frosting that says,

"better luck next year!"

With a stupid exclamation
point at the end.

She probably buys them in bulk.

Look, your mom is just--

Don't say anything
about my mom.

Wow, truly. These
curtains-- they're great.

I'm happy with them.

I mean we didn't even
discuss color or style,

but it's as if we did.

They're exactly what I want.

- I know.
- But how do you know?

How do you know what I want?

I've always been able
to tell exactly

what everybody wants,
except for me.

Well, they're perfect.

Really. Unfortunately,
hanging them's

- out of the question.
- Why?

Ah, I had a little disagreement
with the tension rods.

Big emphasis on the
word "tension."

I don't if Al Qaeda has
heard of these things,

but mailing one to every
household in America

would bring us to our knees.

What are those?

- Curtain rods.
- Wow, they're perfect.

You really do know
everything about everyone

except yourself.

Anything you need me
to help you out with,

or if you need me to be nurse
Jackie with the tools,

passing them up to you,
I'm at the ready.

Could you get me a pen
so I can mark for a screw?

Absolutely. Pen pen
pen pen pen pen

pen pen pen pen pen pen.

I do not have a pen.

They all got lost in the great
Vegas furniture onslaught

of 2012.

- I'll make do.
- Yeah.

So how's that Fanny doing?

You unlucky enough to get
in her path lately?

- I haven't seen her.
- Well, I have,

and my ears are still ringing.

She lost her mind
in the studio.

- It was crazy.
- She's definitely on edge these days.

I know, but I'm
wondering if she hasn't

lost perspective on all this.

Can you pass me
the Phillips head.

Uh, sure.

I mean she's hosted them
for so many years.

She's done it.
It's time to relax.

Do you know which one
the Phillips head is?

Uh, yeah.
It's the--

- No.
- Just bring me what you find.

Plus the money.
I mean, she pays

for all these improvements
on the property,

so she's actually losing
money on the thing.

Flathead.
Phillips head.

- Who's Phillip?
- I don't know.

And hey,

bottom line--
it's about the girls.

This is for them.

Can I just say something
about all of this?

- Yes. Please.
- You know Fanny's story, right?

The gist of it.

Fanny started dancing at four.

She was en pointe at age 9,

won her first dance
competition at age 10.

She was invited to dance at Ballet
de Russe de Monte Carlo at age 16.

Fanny was
a professional at an age

where you and I were
mastering the curling iron

and writing fan letters
to Jason priestly.

- He was handsome.
- He still is.

- Yeah.
- Fanny could have gone

anywhere she wanted to go,

then she fell in love.

Got pregnant.

She was gonna go back,
but she never did.

She gave it up, so...

This studio, these girls,

her teaching, her business,

her reputation--

this is all she has.

Yeah.

I guess so.

( Sighs deeply ) I took a big
chunk of my blue paint out

when I was trying to put
the tension rod up,

so I'll need to get
some to match.

You are good.

- ( Crickets chirping )
- ( Shower running )

Mom.

( Water stops )

( Door closes )

Hi. I'm Michelle Simms.

( Piano music playing )

♪ Me and my baby

♪ my baby and me

♪ we're 'bout as happy
as babies can be ♪

♪ what if I find that

♪ I'm caught in a storm?

♪ I don't care,
if baby's there ♪

♪ then baby's bound
to keep me warm ♪

♪ we're sticking together

♪ and ain't we got fun?

♪ So much together

♪ they count us as one

♪ tell old man worry

♪ to go climb a tree

♪ 'cause I got my baby

♪ my sweet little baby

♪ look at my baby and me.

- ( Music stops )
- ( Panting )

( Papers shuffling )

You want me to do it again?

No.

( Gasps )

( Acoustic guitar
music playing )

- Man: Good to see you.
- Woman: Yeah, you too.

We'll do it again.

( Bells chiming )

Ah. Hey,
I love that.

You have one
of those welcome bells.

Very Mayberry.

Can we help you?

Yes. Hi, my name
is Michelle.

- Bob.
- Don.

Bob and don.
Nice to meet you.

So I am new in town.

I moved here about
a month ago or so.

And I'm at the
flowers place on Forster.

- Do you know it?
- Sure. Fanny's place.

Right.
Fanny's place.

And so now
I'm there with Fanny,

and she has that dance studio.

And there's an event coming up

for which we need
your expertise.

My niece takes classes there.

- Katrina.
- Nice.

Don't know her. But there's
a connection here.

That's good.
So the event

is the prestigious Joffrey
summer program auditions,

and we need help
with our dance floor.

We're got some loose boards,

it needs a sanding, buffing.

And according to your website,

you offer those services.

We're at your disposal.

Yeah, we can get a couple
guys out there in an hour.

- When do you need 'em?
- Now. Yesterday.

This is great.
Thank you.

We'll just come out and
assess everything first.

And then we just
need 50% up front,

- and we can get started.
- Ah, there's the rub.

We don't have
the 50% right now.

Ah well. That could
be a problem.

But you know what? Why don't
you give me a ballpark figure

of what the cost is?

And maybe we do have the 50%.

Well, let's see.

Uh, we replace even just
a few of the boards,

the sanding, the whole thing,

that's about 700
square feet or so.

I'd say eight.

And doing the finish--

the coats and all--
it'll be at least

- $2200.
- Or more.

Yeah, we don't have the 50%.

We might have 10% of the 50%.

- Would that make this happen?
- I can't do it.

I gotta get my guys paid.

And the balance
is due on completion.

So you should kinda
have 100% of it now.

Right. Fair enough. Fair enough.

Oh hey! I didn't think
of this before.

Do you guys do layaway?

- Uh...
- See, when I was a kid,

there was this store
called contempo casuals,

and you could put a really cute
outfit on layaway in June,

for say, three months.
And as long as

you didn't get fat
by September,

you'd have a really
cute outfit.

When do you pay for the outfit?

When you pick it up
in September.

- It's a fall outfit.
- I'm not sure how

that corresponds to us
to fixing that floor.

Yeah, 'cause when
we fix it and are done,

it's the same as you
paying for the dress.

You pay when you get the thing.

That's one way
of looking at it.

The other way
of looking at it is...

It's fun!

Sorry.

Okay.

I took a shot.
Thanks for your time.

- Bob, right?
- Yup.

Bob--
short for Robert?

It's a nice, solid name.

I like this vest too.

Says workin' man.

Strong workin' man.

Knows his Phillips heads.

You need something else?

Yes. Bob,

you are looking at
a damsel in distress.

She is desperately
in need of a knight

to come
and rescue her--

white horse optional.

Be my knight, Bob.

I'm sorry.
We can't extend credit.

Nothing personal.

Yeah, yeah.
I get it.

Don, right?

Short for Donald.

Donick, actually.

Even better.

No vest for you, huh?

- We can't help you.
- Okay.

So...

No one wants to do me
or your floors.

- What are you talking about?
- Is there a libido issue in this area?

Has something in the water

killed off all the testosterone

in the town of paradise?
Or have I very suddenly lost

- all my skills to seduce?
- Who are you trying to seduce?

- The hardware store guys.
- Bob and don?

- Yes.
- Fat Bob and Skinny Don?

Bob had a tummy, yes.

- Bob and don?!
- Bob and don, yes!

- For sex?
- No! To do our floors.

I strutted my stuff a little bit
to get them to do it on layaway

like contempo casuals,
and they turned their backs.

Will I ever be able to
go in that store again?

I'd give it some time.

This is
a weird-ass chair.

Why are you suddenly involving
yourself with my floors?

Because I've made it
my mission.

And when I make
something my mission,

I don't rest until
it's mission accomplished.

I'm going to get
those floors fixed.

I'm going to get
the auditions back.

- It's too late.
- It's not too late.

Fix the floors, show Joffrey the
Ojai stats on animal abuse,

and mushroom consumption.
We'll get 'em back!

- I still don't understand why--
- I did some research.

I found an Internet cafe,
went online, found a town--

a bigger town north of here

with multiple resources
for fixing a dance floor.

Friendly-looking guys
featured in the ads.

Can't tell how horny they are,

but I'll find out
when I get there!

- What town?
- Oh, it's a weird name,

like a joke name--
almost a dirty name.

Oxnard.

Now get in the car.
We're driving to Oxnard.

I've spent my whole life
avoiding Oxnard.

- So you know it?
- Of course I know it.

Well, we are both Oxnard-bound
and I am willing to flirt

with multiple Oxnardians, because
Joffrey's not going to Ojai!

Times a wastin.'

- this is ridiculous.
- I'm on a mission.

What are these?

My lame dad got them for me.

They're totally wrong,
and I just thought

maybe you'd want them.

Oh my God.
They're brand-new.

I never wore them.

- They're my size.
- Yeah, he's an idiot.

He bought them way too big.

Three sizes too big?

Yeah, that's the thing,
right? I mean, what?

He's walking down
an aisle of dancewear

and he has a stroke
or something?

But your dad buys
everything for you.

- Why would he sudden--
- Look, throw them out,

set 'em on fire, whatever.

I just don't need 'em, okay?

- Almost there.
- Good.

Best view of Oxnard is
in the rearview mirror.

Ah, you should tweet that.

I don't do that.

Me neither.

I do.

You tweet?

That's surprising to me.

Yeah, it's a good way
to keep in touch with family.

You know, keep 'em posted
on your comings and goings.

Right.

I usually think of it

as just something
celebrities do.

- ( Man chuckles )
- Makes sense though.

Okay. This is it.

Wow, nice space.

There's the wood you ordered,

all stacked up.

There's a bathroom upstairs.

I'll bring some soda
and snacks out for you.

I'll get started right now.

This is weird.

- Why? He's qualified.
- We don't even know his name.

- Floyd. It's Floyd.
- Last name?

He said it at one point--
Prelutsky or something like that.

Okay. We're fine vetters.

They should put us
in charge of finding

vice-presidential
candidates.

We don't need to know
his last name.

He was just so available.

I don't like that.

Oh, is that how you
judge things like this?

If people are willing to do
what you want them to do,

- then you don't want them?
- No.

It's just he was
our fourth choice.

What is it with floor guys?

They don't like you,
that's for sure.

I think it's
the California coast.

For some reason, I'm
not hot in California.

Especially Oxnard.
Ugh. Oxnard.

Told you.

So how much is Floyd getting?

Nothing. We talked and he's
gonna let me pay him later.

Did you seduce him,
Mrs. Robinson?

- To do a degree.
- Coo coo ca choo.

It's not like that.

What is Floyd expecting?

To fix the floors,
sleep on our cot

and leave in the morning--
nothing else.

Okay. Got it.

Sleep with a baseball bat.

Young lady, when you
get to be my age,

you know how to lead a man on,
get him to do what you want,

give him nothing and send him
crying back to his wife.

Okay. Just...
Be safe.

As long as he does the floors.

And not you.

Good morning, Lisa.

Fanny!

Lisa from the Joffrey.

- Ah, nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

The floors look wonderful.

I was going
to fax you about it.

- Thank you.
- A couple of days ago,

I had to fax the studio in Ojai

with the news
we weren't coming.

They faxed back that
they were disappointed.

That's too bad.

Well, time to get started.

Looks like we have
a good group here.

Bye.

She said bye. Surprised
she didn't fax it.

I never doubted they'd
want to be here.

Oh, right.
Yeah, not for a moment.

Lisa: Gather around,
everybody, please.

Gather around.

Good morning, everyone.
Welcome to the 2012

Joffrey summer
program auditions.

We're going to get
started in just a minute.

Listen for
your numbers, please.

And good luck.

( Guitar music playing )
( Woman vocalizing )

Lisa: All right, this is
to confirm the people

in my first group.

Number 23, warden.

Number 18, Connely.

Number 26, Waggeman.

Number 16, Jordan.

Number 62--

All right, front row seats.

Ooh, first group's going in.

You got boo and Sasha
in that one. Exciting.

( Gasps ) Here's
something else exciting.

Excellent.

You know...

I forgot to ask
you about Floyd.

- What about him?
- He did okay on the floor.

- Obviously.
- He fix anything else?

There's nothing else
that needed fixing.

Waxed everything
that needed... waxing?

- He seemed to.
- Next morning he...

- Got off okay?
- He got off just fine.

- ( Chuckles )
- What?

- You said "got off."
- Pour the wine.

( Sighs ) It's a big
day for boo, huh?

And all of them.

This is such
a wonderful experience--

just to dance and be seen.

It doesn't matter what happens.

It only matters
that they're here.

I'll drink to that.

Boo, what happened?

I got cut.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not.

- Rayray, get the box.
- Roger!

- Really? The box?
- What box?

- Get over here.
- What are you doing?

Shh. You're
going back in.

She can't just go back in.

Yeah, Fanny.
I was cut.

You were not cut.

No one cuts one
of my girls that fast.

- Rayray: Got it!
- Hurry.

Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it?

Ah, here it is.

Now don't fight me.

- Ow!
- Ah, sorry.

Is this really happening?

This was made
for a much smaller head.

It was for swan Hilda
in my 1996 "Coppelia."

Girl had a head
the size of a peanut.

Now you're Trina
from Simi Valley

if anyone asks.

So get in there, and show
them what what Trina’s got.

Trina, Simi Valley--
Got it!

- But how do you figure?
- More, please.

- But she--
- More, please.

Holy hell, what's with us?

That was crazy, what you just did
with boo there. I'm just saying.

It's not crazy. It's the point
of being in a competition.

- To compete.
- But they had just seen her.

- They did not see her.
- They saw her.

- And they cut her.
- They did not see her.

- Boo?
- Well?

- Trina got cut.
- Oh honey, I'm sorry.

- But you gave it a good--
- Rayray, give me your legwarmers.

- Rayray: Coming!
- Michelle: You've got to be kidding me.

Get that thing off your head.

This is astonishing!

Ooh pretty dirty.

If anyone asks,
say you live on a farm.

Legwarmers.

- Put 'em on.
- It's like being backstage

at "the Carol Burnett show."

Quick.
Get it into a bun.

- Me?
- Yes. Hurry!

Uh, well maybe something
other than a bun.

- Like what?
- Let's do a ponytail.

Joffrey doesn't like ponytails.

How did I get pulled into this?

- Just do a bun!
- But a ponytail

will make her really stand out.

I went to an audition once.

Everyone was in a bun,
but I was in a ponytail.

And people were like, "who's
the girl in the ponytail?"

- Got me the job!
- Let's do a ponytail!

Fine. Do it.

- Your name is Selma.
- What's my last name?

- Alabama?
- Just tell them Selma.

Run run!

Crazy times five.

You don't know
how auditions work.

Yes, I do. You dance
for Gary Janetti,

he looks up,
says "no," you're done.

- Who?
- Never mind.

You really don't
get it, do you?

- I guess not.
- Boo is not being seen.

- Come again?
- Well, look at all the girls

that she's gone
in with--

stick insects with tiny legs

and tiny butts.

And when boo comes in,

beautiful as she is,
all they see is

how she doesn't look
like the other girls,

so they cut her.

But eventually,
if she keeps going in--

and I don't care
how many times it takes--

she will get into
a group with someone

who has bigger legs
and a bigger butt,

and then she will be seen.

You're mad.

But making sense.
Maybe I'm mad?

- Guess what?
- What?

- Selma got cut.
- ( Sighs ) Darn.

- Find the plastic nose.
- No Fanny, it's fine.

They thought I was dynamic
and had great form.

Well, they thought
Trina had great form,

and Selma was dynamic.

They only one they
didn't like was me.

Yay?

They also said that I should

definitely try again next year,

'cause the underdog slot
was already used up.

Aww.

You done good, kiddo.

Thanks.

I fouetted in a wig.

Boo, can I get
my legwarmers back?

Now she has been seen.

( Dancers chattering )

Sasha?

How'd it go?

Okay, I guess.

I bet you were great.

So, you wanna come over
for some failure cake?

Yeah.

But I kind of have to stay
and fill out some forms.

Oh.

I'll wait.

( Door opens )

( Door closes )

Hi, I'm Michelle Simms.

( Piano music playing )

♪ Me and my baby

♪ my baby and me

♪ we're 'bout as happy

♪ as babies can be

♪ what if a find that

♪ I'm caught in a storm?

♪ I don't care,
if baby's there ♪

♪ then baby's bound
to keep me warm ♪

♪ we're sticking together

♪ and ain't we got fun?

♪ So much together

♪ they count us as one

♪ tell old man worry

♪ to go climb a tree

♪ 'cause I got my baby

♪ my sweet little baby

♪ look at my baby

♪ and me!

- ( Music stops )
- ( Panting )

Hello?

Is that all right?

( Gasps )

( Acoustic guitar
music playing )

( Woman vocalizing )

( Crickets chirping )