Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 16 - Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered - full transcript

Xander:
So what do you think?

It's nice.

But do you think
Cordelia will like it?

I don't know.

Will she know
what one of these is?

Ha ha.

OK, big yuks.

When are you guys gonna
stop making fun of me

for dating Cordelia?

I'm sorry.

But never.



I just think you
could find somebody more...

Better.

Parallel universe,
maybe.

Here the only
other person

I'm interested in
is, um...

Unavailable.

Besides, cordy and I
are really getting along.

We're not fighting as much, and
yesterday we just sat together,

not even speaking.

You know, just, uh, enjoying
comfortable silence.

Man, that was dull.

I'm glad that you guys
are getting along.

Almost really.

And don't stress
over the gift.



Well, this is new
territory for me.

My valentines
are usually met

with heartfelt
restraining orders.

She'll love it.

I wish dating
was like slaying:

You know, simple, direct,
stake to the heart,

no muss, no fuss.

Ohh!

Sorry to say, xand,

but slaying is a tad more
perilous than dating.

Well, you're obviously
not dating Cordelia.

Wait up.

Hey, wait up.

Excuse me.

Where's the fire sale?

Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you.

Why didn't you call me
back last night?

We need to talk about
our outfits for the dance.

I'm gonna wear
red and black,

so you need
to switch.

Red and black? Is that what
Xander likes?

Xander? What does he
have to do with this?

A girl wants to look
good for her geek.

Xander's just...

When are you two
gonna start wearing

cute little
matching outfits?

'Cause I'm planning
to vomit. Let's go.

Papers on my desk.

Anybody tries to leave
without giving me a paper

is looking
at a failing grade.

Ha ha ha.

This time
I'm ready for you.

No "f"
for Xander today.

No. This baby's my ticket
to a sweet d-minus.

Hey, Amy.

Are you guys going to the
Valentine's day dance

at the bronze?

I think it's gonna be
a lot of fun.

Go ahead. You know
you want to say it.

My boyfriend's
in the band.

Cool.

I think you've now
told everybody.

Only in this hemisphere.

What about you?

Oh, Valentine's day

is just a cheap gimmick
to sell cards and chocolate.

Bad breakup, huh?

Believe me when I say
uh-huh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Amy.

I just hate to think of you
solo on Valentine's day.

I'll be fine.

Mom and I are going to have
a pig-out and vid fest.

It's a time-honored
tradition

among the loveless.

Did you guys see that?

See what?

In class.

I think Amy just worked
some magic on Miss Beakman.

You mean
like witchcraft?

You know,
her mom's a witch.

And an amateur psycho.
Amy's the last person

that should be messing
with that stuff.

Maybe I should...

Giles: Buffy. Buffy.

Might I have a word?

Have a sentence, even.

Oh. Good. Well, uh...

Woman: Pack it up
before you leave.

Rupert.

Miss calendar.

I'm glad we ran into
each other, actually.

I was hoping that
we could, uh...

Do you
have a minute?

Um...

Actually, not just now.

Uh, I have a matter
to discuss with... with Buffy.

Right.

Let's go.

Are you OK?

Me?

I-I'll be fine.

Um, I was more concerned
about you, actually.

Since angel, um, uh...

Turned...

I've been reading up
on his earlier activities...

Feeding patterns
and the like.

And?

Around Valentine's day,

he's rather prone
to, uh...

Well, um,
brutal displays of...

He would think of it
as affection, I suppose.

Like what?

No... no need to
go into details.

That bad?

Suffice it to say
I think it would be best

if you stayed
off the streets

for a few nights.

I'll, um...

I'll patrol and keep
an eye on things.

Better safe than sorry.

It's a little late
for both.

Fancy it, pet?

Ahh.

It's beautiful.

Mmm.

Nothing but the best
for my gir...

Happy Valentine's day,
dru.

Oh...

Angel,

it's still warm.

I knew you'd like it.

I found it in a quaint
little shopgirl.

Cute.

Here.

I'll get it.

Done.

I know dru gives you
pity access,

but you have to admit

it's so much easier
when I do things for her.

You would do well
to worry less about dru

and more
about that slayer

you've been
tramping around with.

Dear Buffy.

I'm still trying to decide
the best way

to send my regards.

Spike: Why don't you
rip her lungs out?

It might make
an impression.

Lacks...

Poetry.

It doesn't have to.

What rhymes
with lungs?

Don't worry, spike.

Angel always knows...

What speaks
to a girl's heart.

♪ Feelin' ♪

♪ I've been lost for years ♪

♪ You can never
understand me ♪

♪ Unless you've seen
those tears ♪

♪ But you never
get to sleep ♪

♪ When I'm away ♪

♪ I don't mind... ♪

Oz has his
cool hair today.

I think
I'm a groupie.

♪ Pain. I can't sleep ♪

Oh, hey!

♪ Pain. I can't sleep ♪

♪ Runnin' ♪

Here.

Mom?

Mom?

Buffy, it's me.

Yeah.

You just startled me
a little.

I was just checking
the back door.

Somebody, um,
left these for you.

♪ Pain. I can't sleep ♪

♪ Pain. I can't sleep ♪

♪ Pain. I can't sleep ♪

Hey.

Your clothes...

You look so good.

I let Buffy
dress me.

Well, not physically.

Perfect.

You had to make this
harder, didn't you?

OK. Clearly the fact that
I please you visually

has got us off
on the wrong foot here.

Xander...

Let me finish.

I've been thinking a
lot about us lately...

The why
and the wherefore.

You know,

once, twice,
a kissy here,

a kissy there.

And you can chalk it
all up to hormones.

And maybe that's all
we have here...

Tawdry teen lust.

But maybe not.

Maybe
something in you

sees something
special inside me.

And vice versa.

I mean,
I think I do.

See something.

So...

Xander.

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

I want to break up.

OK.

Not quite the reaction
I was looking for.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just...

Who are we kidding?

Even if parts of us
do see specialness,

we don't fit.

Yeah.

OK.

Do you know
what's a good day

to break up
with somebody?

Any day besides
Valentine's day.

I mean, what, were you running
low on dramatic irony?

I know.

I didn't mean
to do it this way.

Well, you did.

Dude.

Way to get dumped.

Oh, Buffy, my bud,
you will not believe...

Can't talk right now.
Angel.

Do you need help?

It's all right.

Gee, Xander,

maybe you should learn
a second language

so that even more girls
can reject you.

What are you doing?

Amy, good to see you.

You're a witch.

No, I'm not.

That... that was
my mom, remember?

Yeah. I'm thinking
it runs in the family.

I saw you working
that mojo on miss Beakman.

Maybe I should go
tell somebody ab...

That's not even...
That is so mean.

Blackmail is
such an ugly word.

I didn't
say blackmail.

Yeah. But I'm about
to blackmail you,

so I thought I'd
bring it up.

What do you want?

What do I want?

I want some respect
around here.

I want, for once,
to come out ahead.

I want the hellmouth
to be working for me.

You and me, Amy...

We're gonna cast
a little spell.

A love spell?

Yeah. You know,

just the basic
can't eat, can't sleep,

can't breathe anything
but little old moi.

That kind of thing
is the hardest.

I mean, to make
someone love you

for all eternity?

Whoa!

Whoa, back up.

Who said anything
about eternity?

A man can only talk
self-tanning lotion for so long

before his head
explodes.

Then I don't get it.

If you don't want
to be with her forever,

then what's the point?

The point is I want her
to want me desperately

so I can break up
with her

and subject her
to the same hell

she's been
putting me through.

Ooh,

I don't know, Xander.

Intent has to be pure
with love spells.

I intend revenge...

Pure as
the driven snow.

Now,

are you gonna play,

or do we need
to have another chat

about invisible
homework?

I'll need something
of hers.

A personal object.

All right.

Soon what, Giles?

You never held out on me

until the big, bad thing
in the dark

became my ex-honey.

Where did this
come from?

He said it
with flowers.

This isn't the time

to start becoming
Mr. protective guy.

I can't just hang around,

and I can't prepare when I
don't know what's coming.

No, of course,
you're right.

Sit down.

Oh, come on,
don't flatter yourself.

I'm not gonna make
a big scene.

I just want
the necklace back.

What? I thought
it was a gift.

Last night
it was a gift.

Today it's
scrap metal.

Figure I can
melt it down

and sell it for
fillings or something.

You're pathetic.

Come on,
I'm not gonna add

to the Cordelia chase
castoff collection.

It's in my locker.

I can wait.

Here. It's a good thing
we broke up.

Now I don't have to
pretend I like it.

Amy: Diana...

Goddess of love
and the hunt,

I pray to thee.

Let my cries

bind the heart
of Xander's beloved.

May she neither rest

nor sleep

until she submits
to his will only.

Diana,

bring about this love
and bless it.

Blow out the candle now.

What?

Good morning, ladies.

Some kind of weather
we've been having, huh?

What do you want?

You can't be
sniffing around

for more jewelry
to melt,

because all you ever gave me was
that smallmart-looking thing.

Is this love?

'Cause maybe on you it
doesn't look that different.

What are you doing?

Are you going, like,
stalker-boy on me now?

Sorry. My mistake.

Yeah, I should say so.

What is his deal?

Look, here's another.
Here.

Um, "Valentine's day."
Yes, uh...

"Angel nails a puppy to the... "

skip it.

But...

I don't want to know.

I don't have a puppy.
Skip it.

Right, you are.

I'll get another batch.

I have a plan.

We'll use me as bait.

You mean, make angel
come after you?

No, I mean chop me
into little pieces

and stick me on hooks
for fish to nibble at

'cause it would be
more fun than my life.

Yeah.

I heard about you
and cordy.

That's her loss.

Yeah.

Not really
the popular theory.

You know what I'd like?

Why don't you and I do
something together tonight?

Just the two of us.

Really?

Yeah.

We can comfort
each other.

Would lap dancing enter
into that scenario at all?

'Cause I find that
very comforting.

Play your cards right...

OK, uh...

You do know
that I'm Xander, right?

I don't know, I just...

Heard that
you and cordy broke up,

and I guess I was just
surprised how glad I was.

It's funny...

How you can
see someone every day

but not really see them.

You know?

Yeah, it's funny.

And it's just
getting funnier.

Xander,

can I talk to you
for a minute?

Yeah, OK.

Xander.

Yeah.

I don't think the spell
worked out right.

Yeah, it bombed.
No biggie.

We can always
try again.

I am still
pretty new at this.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's OK.

You know what?
It was wrong to meddle

with the forces of darkness.
I see that now.

I think we've all grown.
I gotta go.

We don't have to cast
any spells.

We can just...

Hang out.

Sure.

What?

Well, I liked spending
time with you.

You're so sweet.

You know, it's funny
how you can...

You can see a person
every day and...

Not really see them.

Exactly.

So, anyway, I thought...

Hi, Xander.

What?

You're in Mr. Baird's
history class, right?

I thought maybe we could
study together tonight.

Do you mind?
We were talking.

I really gotta go.

Right now.

Sorry.

I wanted to surprise you.

Good job.

High marks.

Don't be so jumpy.

I've been in
your bed before.

Yeah, but, will, we were
both in footy pajamas.

Xand, I've been thinking.

Will, I think I know

what you've
been thinking.

But this is
all my fault.

I cast a spell, and
it sort of backfired.

How long have we
been friends?

A long, long time.

Too long
to do anything

that might
change that now.

But friendships change
all the time.

People grow apart.

They grow closer.

This is good.

How close
we are now.

I feel
very comfortable

with this amount
of closeness.

In fact, I can even
back up a few paces

and still be happy.

See?

I want you, Xander...

To be my first.

Baseman.

Please tell me
we're talking baseball.

Shh.

We both know it's right.

It's not that I don't
find you sexy.

Is it oz?

Don't worry about him.

He's sweet, but...

He's not you.

Yes, he is.

And you should
go to him.

'Cause he's me.

I... I... I don't
want to use force.

Mmm.

Force is OK.

Th-that's it!

This has gotta stop.

It's time for me
to act like a man.

And hide.

Ha. Very funny.

What did I do now,
wear red and purple together?

You know what you did.

Xander is wounded
because of you.

Are you tripping?

I thought you wanted me
to break up with him.

Only a sick pup would
let Xander get away,

no matter what
her friends said.

What does it take

to make
you people happy?

♪ Hey-hey, yeah ♪

♪ Got the love,
got the love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Got the love,
got the love ♪

♪ Got the love,
got the love ♪

♪ Sugar baby ♪

♪ Got the love,
got the love ♪

♪ Oh, now, babe, you've
been gone such a long time ♪

♪ I've been thinkin' 'bout
what it is we've got ♪

♪ Not all the time
in the world ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ But we got a lot ♪

♪ Now, there's much more
than a ghost of a chance ♪

♪ We can make it right
this time ♪

♪ 'Cause you've got
to stay mine ♪

♪ Yeah, I got the love ♪

♪ Got the love,
got the love ♪

Xander.

What is it?

I-it's me...

Throwing myself
at your mercy.

What? Why?

I made a mess, Giles.

See, I found out
that Amy's into witchcraft,

and I was hurt, I guess,

so I made her put
the love whammy on cordy,

but it backfired.

And now every woman in sunnydale
wants to make me her cuddle monkey,

which may sound swell
on paper, but...

Rupert, we need to talk.

Hey, Xander.

Nice shirt.

Look, Rupert, I know
that you're angry at me,

and I don't
blame you,

but I am not
just gonna go away.

I care far too much
about you to...

Have you been
working out?

Ohh.

I cannot believe that
you were fool enough

to do something
like this.

I'm twice the fool it takes
to do something like this.

Has, uh...

Has Amy tried
to reverse the spell?

I get around Amy,

and all she wants to do
is talk honeymoon plans.

Rupert, maybe I need
to talk to Xander alone.

Do you have any idea
how serious this is?

People under
love spells, Xander,

are deadly.

They lose all capacity
for reason.

And if what
you say is true

and the entire female
population is affected...

Don't leave the library.

I'll find Amy

and see if we can put
a stop to this thing.

No!

Alone at last.

Buff, give me
a heart attack.

Oh, I'm gonna give you
more than that.

Buff...

For the love of god,

don't open
that raincoat.

Come on,

it's a party.

Aren't you gonna
open your present?

It's not that
I don't want to.

Sometimes the remote
impossible possibility

that you might like me was
all that sustained me.

But not now.

Not like this.

This isn't
real to you.

You're only here
because of a spell.

I mean, if I thought
you had one clue

what it would
mean to me...

But you don't.

So I can't.

So you're saying
this is all a game?

A game?

I... no!

You make me
feel this way,

and then
you reject me?

What am I, a toy?

Buffy, please
calm down.

I'll calm down when
you explain yourself.

Get away from him.

He's mine.

Oh, I
don't think so.

Xander, tell her.

What?

I, uh...

He doesn't
have to say.

I know what
his heart wants.

Funny,

I know what
your face wants.

What is this,
you're two-timing me?

Goddess Hecate,
work thy will.

Uh-oh.

Before thee let the
unclean thing crawl!

Buffy!

Oh, my god.

Wh-what just happened?

Buffy.

Where is she?

Giles: Oh, my god.

Why is she here?

Can you focus
for a minute?

You just turned Buffy
into a rat.

Buffy can take care
of herself.

Why don't we go
someplace private?

Can you... I'm not going anywhere

until you
change her back.

You heard him.

So why don't you just undo
your little magic trick

and get lost?

Who made you
queen of the world?

Well, you're
old enough to be.

What can I say?

I guess Xander's just too much
man for the pimple squad.

Goddess Hecate, to you
I pray, with this...

Would you quit
with the Hecate?

OK, what now?

You don't like
my locker combination?

It's just not right.
You never loved him.

You just used him.

You make me sick.

OK, Harmony, if you need
to borrow my Midol,

just ask.

You two, sit.

And be quiet.

We have to catch
the Buffy rat.

Ooh, there.

Good Buffy.

Just...

That kinda hurt.

Kinda?! What
was that for?

I was on the phone
all night,

listening to Willow cry
about you.

Now, I don't know
exactly what happened,

but I was left with a very
strong urge to hit you.

I didn't touch her.
I swear.

Xander,

where's Buffy?

Amy turned her
into a rat.

Oh.

Giles:
I don't see her.

If anything
happens to her, I'll...

Oh, just go home.

Lock yourself away.

You're only going to cause
more problems here.

Now, Amy, Jenny, and I
will, uh...

Try and break the spell.

Oz, if you could aid us
in... in finding,

um... Buffy.

Sure. Absolutely.

Just go.
Get out of my sight.

Buffy.

Cordelia:
What are you doing?

You guys are crazy!

You thought you could
do better, is that it?

No, I...

We'll knock that snotty
attitude right out of you.

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Stop!

Xander,
I love you!

I love you!

You must have
botched the ritual

so that
Cordelia's necklace

actually protected her
from the spell.

That one should be
easily reversible,

but where did you learn
animal transformation?

Why did you
send Xander away?

He needs me.

That's a laugh.

He loves me.

We look into
each other's souls.

No one can love
2 people at once.

What we have is real.

Instead of making me ill, why
doesn't one of you try to help me?

You have no idea
what I'm going through.

I know it's not love.

It's obsession.

Selfish,
banal obsession.

And Xander has put himself
in very great danger.

If you cared at all
about him,

you'd help me save him,

rather than wittering on
about your feelings.

Now, let's get on
with some work.

Now, Jenny...

Great.

I think we...

Lost them.

I should've known
I'd find you with her.

Will...

Come on, you don't
want to hurt me.

Oh, no?

You don't know
how hard this is for me.

I love you so much.

I'd rather see you dead
than with that bitch.

Get away from him!

He's mine!

OK, now I really think
we've lost them.

Damn it, Xander,
what's going on?

Who died
and made you Elvis?

Buffy's house. Let's get inside.
I'll explain there.

Come on!

Xander,
Cordelia, what...

Yeah, hi.

What happened?

Why are you
all scratched up?

Where's Buffy?

She's, um...

Around.

Well, sit down
and tell me about it.

Why don't you run upstairs

and grab some bandages
out of the bathroom?

Let me, uh, get you
something to drink.

You in the mood
for cold or hot?

I, uh...

I think it's more
of a hot night,

don't you?

Whatever.

Ooh, you are so tense.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

Make me yak!

Cordelia,
go back upstairs.

This is between us.

Gross!
I think not.

What are you doing?

Get your hands off me.

And keep
your mom-aged mitts

off my boyfriend.

Former!

Why has everyone
gone insane?

Insane?

Is it so impossible
for you to believe

that other women
find me attractive?

The only way you could
get girls to want you

would be witchcraft.

That is such a...

Well, yeah, OK,
good point.

Aah! Oh, my god!

Xander, honey,
let Joycie in.

Let Joycie in. Upstairs!
Buffy's room.

Sweetheart.

Good. The mob
still hasn't found us.

We should be
safer up here.

Works in theory.

Aah!

Xander!

Where's Buffy?

Cordy, get out of here!

Perfect.

I wanted to do something
special for Buffy...

Actually, to Buffy,

but this is
so much better.

If it's any consolation,

I feel very close
to you right now.

Buffy, how...

Don't fret, kitten.

Mummy's here.

I don't know what
you're up to, dru,

but it doesn't amuse.

If you...

Harm one hair

on this
boy's head...

You've gotta be kidding.

Him?

Just because I finally
found a real man...

I guess I really did
drive you crazy.

Your face is a poem.

Ohh.

Oh, I can read it.

Really?

It doesn't say "spare me"
by any chance?

Shh.

How do you feel
about eternal life?

We couldn't just
start with a coffee?

A movie, maybe?

Julie: There he is!

Get them!

He's mine!

All you had to do
was love me!

No!

Get out of the way.
Move it!

Come on.

Back off.

Stop! No!

I love you!

Ohh!

Ahh! Sorry, dru.

Guess you're
not invited.

It's never gonna
work for us, Xander.

We have to end it.

Aah!

Aah!

Here, Buffy.

Right.

Go on.
You first.

Give me a nail.

If we die in here,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

I mean it.

None of this
would've happened

if you hadn't
broken up with me.

But no, you're so
desperate to be popular.

Me? I'm not the one
who embraced the black arts

just to get
the girls to like me.

Well, congratulations.
It worked.

Would've worked fine, except
your hide's so thick,

not even magic
can penetrate it.

You mean the spell
was for me?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Goddess of creatures
great and small,

I conjure thee
to withdraw.

Hecate, I hereby
license thee to depart.

Buffy?

Aah!

Oh, my god.

Stay behind me.

Um...

Diana, goddess of love,

begone.

Hear no more
thy siren's song.

Get off!

I love you, Xander.

He's mine!

Get off me!

Where am I?

What's going on?

Hi, oz.

Hi.

I seem to be having a
slight case of nudity here.

But you're not a rat...

So call it an upside.

You think maybe you could
get me some clothing?

Yes, I can.
Just, uh...

Don't go anywhere.

Really not an issue.

What...

What did we...

Boy, that was the best
scavenger hunt ever.

Buffy:
Scavenger hunt.

Your mom
seemed to buy it.

So she says.

I think she's
just so wigged

at hitting on
one of my friends

that she's repressing.

She's getting
pretty good at that.

I should probably
start worrying.

Well, I'm back to being
incredibly unpopular.

It's better
than everyone

trying to
axe-murder you, right?

Mostly, but, uh...

Willow won't even
talk to me.

Any particular reason
she should?

How much groveling
we talking here?

Oh, a month, at least.

Xander, come on,
I mean...

This is worse
for her than anyone.

She loved you before you invoked
the great roofie spirit.

The rest of us...

You remember, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I remember
coming on to you,

I remember begging
you to undress me...

And then a sudden
need for cheese.

I also remember
that you didn't.

Need cheese?

Undress me.

It meant a lot to me
what you said.

Come on, Buffy,

I couldn't take advantage
of you like that.

OK, for a minute,
it was touch and go there.

You came through.

There might just be
hope for you yet.

Well, tell that
to Cordelia.

You're on
your own there.

Cody Weinberg called me
at home last night.

Cody Weinberg?

The one with the 350sl?

The very one.

Said he's thinking
of asking me

to the pledge dance
on Thursday.

That's so huge!

There's just 2 other girls
he's gonna ask first,

and if they refuse,
then...

Watch it!

Sorry.

God!

I'm glad your mom stopped
working at the drive-through

long enough
to dress you.

Oh, that reminds me.

Did you see
Jennifer's backpack?

It is so...

Harmony, shut up.

Do you know
what you are, Harmony?

You're a sheep.

I'm not a sheep.

You're a sheep.

All you ever do
is what everyone else does

just so you can say
you did it first.

And here I am, scrambling
for your approval,

when I'm way cooler
than you are

'cause I'm not a sheep.

I do what I want to do,

and I wear
what I want to wear.

And you know what?

I'll date whoever the hell
I want to date.

No matter how lame he is.

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

It's gonna be OK.

Just keep walking.

Oh, god,
what have I done?

They're never gonna
speak to me again.

Oh, sure, they are.

If it helps, whenever
we're around them,

you and I
can fight a lot.

You promise?

You can pretty much
count on it.

Grr! Arrghh!