Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 1, Episode 4 - Teacher's Pet - full transcript

May I cut in?

- You all right?
- Oh, thanks to you.

You hurt your hand. Will you still be able to...

Do my solo and kiss you
like you've never been kissed before?

You're drooling.

Xander!

You've got a little...

Their ancestors were here
long before we were.

Their progeny will be here
long after we are gone.

The simple and ubiquitous ant.

Now, if you read the homework, you should
know the two ways that ants communicate.



Miss Summers?

Ways that ants communicate?

With other ants?

From the homework,
ants are communicating...

Touch

and, um...

BO?

Thank God someone finally mentioned that.

That would be touch and smell,
Miss Summers?

Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg
would like to tell you?

All right. Chapters six through eight
by tomorrow, people!

Can I see you for a moment?

I gather you had problems
at your last school.

Well, what teenager doesn't?



Cut school, get in fights,

burn down the gymnasium.

Principal Flutie showed me your record.

Well, that fire, there was
major extenuating circumstances.

- Actually, it's kind of funny.
- I can't wait to see what you'll do here.

Destructo Girl, that's me.

- But I suspect it's gonna be great.
- You mean "great" in a bad way.

You have a first-rate mind and can think
on your feet. Imagine if you actually did the...

The homework thing?

The homework thing.

I understand you probably have
a good excuse for not doing it.

Amazingly enough, I don't care.

I know you can excel in this class
and so I expect no less. Is that clear?

Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry. Be smart.

And please don't listen to the Principal
or anyone else's negative opinion about you.

Let's make him eat that record.

What do you say?

OK.

Thanks.

Chapters six through eight.

Seven, including Cheryl.
But her sister was lookin' to make it eight.

Ooh! Cheryl's sister? The one in college?

Home for the holidays and looking for love.

She's not my type. A girl's really
gotta have something to go with me.

Something like a lobotomy?

Xander, how many times have you scored?

- Well, uh...
- It's just a question.

Are we talking today or the whole week?

Ooh! Duty calls.

Babes!

- What are you doing?
- Work with me.

Blayne questioned my manliness.
I'm giving him a visual.

We'll show him!

- I don't believe it.
- I know. And after all my conquests.

- Who's that?
- That must be Angel... I think.

- Who warned her about all the vampires?
- That's him, I'll bet you.

Well, he's buff. She never said
anything about him being buff.

- You think he's buff?
- He's very attractive. That never came up!

- Well, look who's here.
- Hi.

I'd say it's nice to see you,
but we'd both know that's a big fib.

I won't be long.

No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning
about a catastrophe, then disappear. Right?

- You're cold.
- You can take it.

I mean... you look cold.

Oh, right. Give her yourjacket.

It's a balmy night.
No one needs to trade clothing!

It's a little big on me.

- What happened?
- I didn't pay attention.

- To somebody with a big fork?
- He's coming.

- The fork guy?
- Don't let him corner you.

Don't give him a moment's mercy.

- He'll rip your throat out.
- OK. I'll give you improved marks for that.

Ripping a throat out
is a strong visual. It's not cryptic.

I have to go.

Sweet dreams to you, too.

That's all he said? "Fork guy"?

That's all Cryptic Guy said - "fork guy".

There are too many guys in your life!
I'll see what I can find out.

God, every day here is the same.

Bright, sunny, beautiful.
How ever can we escape this torment?

- Really! Morning.
- Morning.

Guess what I just heard.
No Dr Gregory today.

Ergo, those of us who blew off
our homework aren't so dumb.

- Is he sick?
- They didn't say sick.

Something about... missing.

- He's missing?
- Well, let me think.

The cheerleaders were modelling their new
skirts. I kinda got... Yeah, they said missing.

- Which is bad?
- If something's wrong, yeah.

He's one of the only teachers
that doesn't think Buffy's a felon.

I'm really sorry. I'm sure he'II...

Could you help me?

Uh... yes.

I'm looking for Science 109.

Oh, it's um...

I go there every day.

Oh, God, where is it?

Hi. Blayne Mall.
I'm goin' there right now.

It's not far from the varsity field
where I took all-city.

Oh, thank you, Blayne.

Funny how the earth never opens up
and swallows you when you want it to.

What's wrong?

If Dr Gregory dropped his glasses,
why wouldn't he pick them up?

My name is Natalie French.
I'll be substituting for Dr Gregory.

- Do you know when he's coming back?
- No, I don't, um... Buffy.

- They just tell me where they want me.
- I'll tell you where I want you.

Excuse me, Blayne?

Uh, I was just wondering if you were
gonna pick up where Dr Gregory left off.

Yes. His notes tell me
you were right in the middle of insect life.

The praying mantis is a fascinating creature,
forced to live alone.

Who can tell me why?

Buffy?

The words "bug-ugly" spring to mind.

There is nothing ugly
about these unique creatures.

They live alone because they're cannibals.

Well, it's hardly their fault.
It's the way nature designed them.

Noble, solitary and prolific.

Over 1800 species worldwide.

And in nearly all of them the female is larger
and more aggressive than the male.

Nothing wrong with an aggressive female.

"The California mantis lays her eggs
and then finds a mate to fertilise them."

Once he's played his part,
she covers the eggs in a protective sac

and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger.

Now, if she's done herjob correctly,

in a few months
she'll have several hundred offspring.

You know, we should make
some model egg sacs for the science fair.

Who would like to help me after school?

Good.

Hot Dog Surprise. Be still, my heart.

Call me old-fashioned.
I want no more surprises in my hot dogs.

I wonder what she sees in me.

It's probably the quiet good looks,
coupled with a smoky magnetism.

Miss French. You're too young to understand
what an older woman sees in a younger man.

- Oh, I understand.
- Good.

A younger man is too dumb to wonder
why she can't find a man her own age

and won't notice the surgical improvements.

- What surgical improvements?
- Well, he is young.

And so terribly innocent.

Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't,
laugh at those who can do.

Gotta carb up for my one-on-one
with Miss French. When's yours?

Oh, right. Tomorrow.
You came in second. I came in first.

Guess that's what they call natural selection.

Guess it's what they call a rehearsal.
Rehearsal.

Excuse you!

Medically prescribed lunch. I'll only be here
as long as I can hold my breath.

His head! His head!
Oh, my God! Where's his head?!

Here.

Drink this.

No, thank you.

I've never seen... I mean, I've never
seen anything like... That was new.

Who would want to hurt Dr Gregory?

He didn't have any enemies on the staff
that I'm aware of. He was a civilised man.

I liked him.

So did I.

We're gonna find out who did this.
We'll find them and stop them.

- Count on it.
- What do we know?

Not a lot. He was killed on campus,
I'm guessing the last day we saw him.

- How do you work that out?
- He didn't change his clothing.

This is a question
no one particularly wants to hear.

Where did they put his head?

Good point. I didn't want to hear that.

Angel. He warned me
that something was coming.

Yes. Yes, he did, didn't he?
I wish I knew what he meant.

I've been trying to gather more information
about the Master, our local vampire king.

There was a reference to a vampire who upset
the Master and cut his hand off in penance.

- Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork?
- I don't know.

- So why would he come after a teacher?
- I'm not certain he did.

There was an incident two nights ago

involving a homeless person
in Weatherly Park.

He was practically shredded,
but nothing like Dr Gregory.

- Fork Guy doesn't do heads?
- Not historically.

Dr Gregory's blood wasn't drained.

So there's something else out there
besides Silverware Man?

Oh, this is fun. We're on Monster Island.

We're on a Hellmouth.
It's a centre of mystical convergence.

Guess it's the same thing.

Unpleasant things do gravitate here.

But we don't know there's anything
besides this chap. He's our likely suspect.

- Where was that guy killed? Weatherly Park?
- Buffy, I know you're upset,

but this is no time to go hunting.
Promise me you won't do anything rash.

Cross my heart.

Shouldn't be out here at night, little lady.
It's dangerous.

Hold it! Police!

- I heard it. Spread out!
- Let's go over here. This way.

- You went hunting last night?
- Yes.

- When you assured me you wouldn't?
- Yes, I lied. I'm a bad person. Let's move on.

- Did you see someone with a fork?
- More like ajumbo claw.

Oh.

At least you're not hurt.

I saw something else. Something more
interesting than your average killer vampire.

- Oh?
- Do you know Miss French?

- The teacher that's subbing for Dr Gregory?
- Yes. She's lovely.

In a common,
extremely well-proportioned way.

I'm chasing Claw Guy and
Miss Well-Proportioned is heading home.

Claw Guy sees her
and runs screaming for cover.

- He what? Ran away?
- He was petrified.

Of Miss French?

"I'm an undead monster that can shave with
my hand. How many things am I afraid of?"

Not many,
and not substitute teachers, as a rule.

- So what's her deal?
- It'd be a good idea to keep an eye on her.

Then I'd better get to class.

You were there.
You saw Dr Gregory, didn't you?

You mean yesterday when we found him...

Don't say "dead" or "decapitated".
Stay away from D-words altogether.

- You witnessed it, so this way.
- I'm gonna be late.

Extremely late. You have to see a counsellor.

- Everyone who saw the body must see one.
- I really don't...

We all need help with our feelings or we
bottle them up. Then laxatives are involved.

I believe if we all reach out to one another,
we can beat this thing.

I'm here if you need a hug. Not a real hug,
because there's no touching here.

- We're sensitive to wrong touching.
- But I...

No! You have to talk to a counsellor
and start the healing.

- But, Mr Flutie, I don't...
- Heal!

I don't know what to say.
One minute you're in your normal life,

and then who's in the fridge?

It gets to you, a thing like that.

It was... Let's just say I haven't been able
to eat a thing since yesterday.

I think I lost seven and a half ounces. Way
swifter than that diet that quack put me on.

Oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher
every day so I can lose weight.

But when tragedy strikes, we have to
look on the bright side. You know?

Like how even used Mercedes
still have leather seats.

Keep your eyes straight ahead
on your own test.

I think you meant "pollination"
for number 14.

I'll see you here after school.

Oh, great. A pop quiz.

No, I'm not saying she craned her neck.
We are talking full-on "Exorcist" twist.

Ouch.

How come Blayne, who worked with her
yesterday, isn't here today?

Inquiring minds wanna know.

Any luck?

I've not found a creature yet
that strikes terror in a vampire's heart.

Look under "Things That Can
Turn Their Heads All The Way Around".

- Nothing human can do that.
- No, nothing human.

But there are some insects that can.

Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her.

- What are you going to do?
- My homework.

Where are the books on bugs?

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

I was just grabbing a snack.
Can I fix you something?

No, thanks. I never eat
when I'm making egg sacs.

- If this were real, the bugs would be...
- As big as you.

Yeah. So, where do we start?

Oh, Xander,
I've done something really stupid.

- I hope you can forgive me.
- Forgiveness is my middle name.

Actually, it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it
if you'd guard that secret with your life.

I have a teachers' conference in half an hour
and I left the paint and paper-m?ch? at home.

I don't suppose you'd like to come
to my place tonight to work on it?

Come to, uh... your place?

Seven thirty?

Here's my address.

- I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.

Ooh, yes!

Dig this.

"The praying mantis can rotate its head 180?
while waiting for its next meal to walk by."

Well, come on, guys. Hah!

Well, Miss French is sort of big for a bug.

And she is, by and large, woman-shaped.

OK. Factoid one: only the praying mantis
can rotate its head like that.

Factoid two: a whacked-out vampire
is scared to death of her.

Factoid three:
her fashion sense screams predator.

- It's the shoulder pads!
- Exactly.

Then she's either a shape-shifter
or a perception-distorter.

Half a mo. I had a chum at Oxford. Carlyle.

Advanced degrees
in entomology and mythology.

- Entomo... who?
- Bugs and fairy tales.

I knew that.

If I recall correctly, Carlyle, before
he went mad, claimed there was a beast...

Buffy, 911.

Blayne's mom told the school
he never came home.

- The boy who worked with Miss French?
- Yeah.

If Miss French is responsible for
Xander's supposed to be helping her.

He's got a crush on a giant insect!

OK, I'll warn him. But I need you
to hack on to the Coroner's Office.

- What are we looking for?
- Autopsy on Dr Gregory.

There were these marks on his corpse.
I think they were teeth.

And these cuddlies should
definitely be brushing after every meal.

What were you saying about a beast?

Oh, yeah. I just need to make
one transatlantic telephone call.

The computer invasion Willow's performing
on the Coroner's Office is entirely legal?

- Of course.
- Right.

Wasn't here, didn't see it,
couldn't have stopped you.

Good idea.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So how'd it go with Miss French?

Oh, it's demanding being her
absolute favourite, but I'll muddle through.

- Xander, she's not what she seems.
- I know. She's so much more.

OK, I have to tell you something about her
and I'm gonna need you to really listen, OK?

OK.

- I don't think she's human.
- I see. So if she's not human, she's...

Technically a big bug.

- This sounds weird. I'm aware of that.
- It doesn't. I understand.

- I've met someone and you're jealous.
- What?

There's nothing I can do.
There's a chemical thing between us.

I know. I read about it. It's a pheromone.
It's a chemical attractant insects give off.

She's not an insect! She's a woman, OK?

And, hard as that may be for you to conceive,
an actual woman finds me attractive.

OK, it's no mystery guy handing outjackets.

And while we're on the subject,
what kind of a girly name is Angel?

- What does that have to do...
- Nothing! Itjust bugs me.

Look, I really gotta...

Hi. Come on in.

Should I change? Is this too...

No! No. It's the most beautiful chest...
dress I've ever seen.

Thank you. That's sweet.

Martini?

I'm sorry. Would you like something else?

I just need to relax a little.
I'm kind of nervous around you.

You're probably cool as a cucumber.

I like cucumbers,
like in that Greek salad with yoghurt.

You like Greek food? I'm exempting
schwarma, of course. It's a big meat hive.

Hello!

Cheers.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Have you ever been with a woman before?

You mean like in, uh... the same room?

You know what I mean.

Oh, that. Well, let me think.

Yeah, there was several.

I mean, and... uh, quite a few times.

And then there was, Oh, she was incredibly...

- No. Uh-uh.
- I know.

- I can tell.
- You can?

Oh, I like it.

You might say I need it.

- Oh, well, needs should definitely be met
-Somebody help me!

- as long as it doesn't require ointments or...
- I'm down here!

- Do you hear?
- No.

- It sounds like someone crying.
- I don't hear anything.

Your hands are so hot!

Oh, you hurt your hand.

Buffy.

I love Buffy.

- Wow. So that's a martini, huh?
- Mm-hm.

Do you hear?

Would you like to touch me
with those hands?

Your hands are

really serrated.

Oh, wow, that martini. I...

really think I have to...

Miss French?

Please, call me Natalie.

Madam, I don't know what time it is,
nor do I care!

Unlock his cell and bring him to the phone!
This is a matter of life and death!

Got it. Coroner's report
complete with - yuck - colour pictures.

They are teeth marks, which match perfectly
the one insect that nips off its prey's head.

OK, I don't like this.

That's how they feed. Head first.
And how they mate.

- She bites off the male's head while they're...
- No, no, no! See, Xander's... I like his head.

It's where you find his eyes
and his hair and his adorable smile.

Hey, hey, take it easy, Will.
Xander is not in any immediate danger.

I saw him leave school.
He's probably safe at home right now.

- Blayne!
- Oh, God.

Are you all right?

You gotta get me outta here.
She... she gets you and...

- What? What does she do?
- She... she...

Oh, God. Oh, no.

- Blayne, what does she do?
- She... she...

She takes you out of the cage, ties you up

and she starts movin' and throbbin'
and these eggs come shootin' out of her.

- And then
- What? Then what?

she mates with you.

- She...?
- That's not the worst part.

- That's not?
- You seen her teeth?

While she's, you know, in the middle of...

I saw her do it!

- I don't wanna die like that.
- Blayne. Blayne, chill.

That's good. It's gonna be OK.
We'll get out of this.

You got a plan? What is it?

- Just, uh, let me perfect it.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I understand, Carlyle.

Yes, I'll take every precaution.

Absolutely. It sounds exactly
like the creature you described.

You were right all along, about everything.

No, you weren't right about your mother
coming back as a Pekinese, but...

Try to rest, old man. Yes. Ta-ta.

Bye now.

Dr Ferris Carlyle spent years
transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language.

What he discovered he kept to himself, until
some boys were murdered in the Cotswolds.

Then he went hunting for it.

- "It" being...?
- He calls her a she-mantis.

This type of creature, the kleptes-virgo
or virgin-thief, appears in many cultures.

The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens
who tore the living flesh from...

Giles, while we're young.

Well, basically the she-mantis
assumes the form of a beautiful woman...

- ..and then lures virgins back to her nest.
- Virgins?

Well, Xander's not a...

- I mean, he's probably...
- Gonna die.

OK, OK. So this thing is breeding
and we need to find it and snuff it.

Any tips on the snuffing part?

Carlyle recommends cleaving
all body parts with a sharp blade.

- Slice and dice.
- It'd better be swift. This beast is deadly.

Carlyle faced it and he's still around.

Yes, in a straitjacket,
howling his innards out day and night.

- OK, Admiral, way to inspire the troops.
- Sorry.

Xander's not home. He told his mom he was
going to his teacher's house to do a project.

Try to get her address
off the substitute rolls.

And you need to record bat sonar, and fast.

Bat sonar. Right. What?

Bats eat them. A mantis hears sonar,
its nervous system goes kaplooie.

- Where will I find...
- In the vid library.

There are no books, but it's dark and musty.
You'll feel right at home. Go!

I guess I'll handle the armoury.

Don't do anything to make her mad.

Hey, all right! Now I can get out of my cage!

- Into yours. What'd you do that for?
- A weapon.

I think you're gonna need it.

- Getting the address.
- Great. Giles?

Recording bat sonar is something
akin to having one's teeth drilled.

Let's roll.

According to Miss French's
personnel records, she was born in 1907.

- She's, like, 90 years old.
- And extremely well-preserved.

Oh, God!

He broke the cage.
Take him, not me. Take him!

What now?
We can'tjust kick the door down.

Yeah, that would be wrong!

Hello, dear. I thought I heard...

Are you selling something?
Because I'd like to help you out,

but, you see, I'm on a fixed income.

- I'm looking for Miss French.
- I'm Miss French.

Natalie French,
the substitute biology teacher?

Goodness, that's me!

I taught for over 30 years.

I retired in 1972.

I can't believe it! She used Miss French's
records. She could be anywhere.

No, dear. I'm right here.

What's she doing?

I think it's

eeny, meany, miney

Mo?

I'm comin'. I'm comin'.

- What do we do now?
- Prayer and supplication spring to mind.

She walked past this park
with grocery bags. She lives here.

- I'm gonna bang on doors.
- Wait! We do not have time.

- We have to do something!
- We will.

I won't be long.

Buffy?

- Oh, yeah, here it comes.
- What's happening?

Like your eggs sunny-side up?

Eggs? She's gonna lay some...

"The California mantis lays her eggs
and then finds a mate to fertilise them."

Come on, Buffy!

- You!
- Me.

Come on! Come on! Where is she?

Which house is it?
I know you're afraid of her. I saw you!

Come on, come on.

What? What is it?
This is her, isn't it? This is her house.

This is it! Better than radar!

Buffy!

Kiss me.

- Kiss me.
- Can I say one thing?

Help!

Help!

Uh, hey! Over here! Hello? In the cage!

Let him go!

- Help me!
- Get them out.

Help me! Help me!

Remember Dr Gregory?
You scarfed his head.

He taught me: you do your homework,
you learn stuff.

Like what happens to your nervous system
when you hear this.

"It's important to file..."

- Giles!
- It's the wrong side!

Bat sonar makes your
whole nervous system go to hell.

You can go there with it.

- Well, I'd say it's deceased.
- And dissected.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

Just for the record, you were right.
I'm an idiot, and God bless you.

- And thank you guys, too.
- Yeah, really.

- Pleasure.
- I'm really glad you're OK.

It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.

What?

I mean, here you guys are, doing the right
thing, when a lot of other boys your age...

Flag down on that play. I am not...

See, that's the she-mantis's modus operandi.
She only preys on the pure.

Isn't this a perfect ending
to a wonderful day!

My dad's a lawyer. Anybody repeats this
to anybody is gonna face a lawsuit.

Blayne, shut up!

I don't think it's bad. I think it's really sweet.

It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again.

I heard a rumour there was one less vampire
walking round making a nuisance of himself.

There is. I guess
I should thank you for the tip.

The pleasure's mine.

Of course, it would be easier
if I knew how to get in touch with you.

I'll be around.

Or who you were.

Well, anyway, you can have yourjacket back.

It looks better on you.

Oh, boy.

All midterm papers
will be exactly six pages long.

No more, no less.

One third of your grade
will be dependent on those papers.

No more, no less.

Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn

Urgh! Argh!

ENGLISH