Bäst i test (2017–2022): Season 1, Episode 1 - Kalle Wahlström-Zackari gästar - full transcript
Bäst i test (English: Best in Test) is a Swedish comedy programme based on the British show Taskmaster (2015). It has been broadcast on SVT since spring 2017. The show features four fixed panellists per series, along with one guest per episode, who all compete in odd competitions, judged by Barbro 'Babben' Larsson and assisted by David Sundin.
Welcome to Bäst i Test! A show
that takes nonsense seriously.
We have gathered a bunch of people-
-to perform simple tasks.
They have done that with mixed
results. Here are the contestants:
-Bianca "The Lightning" Kronlöf!
[actress and comedian]
-Directly from the gym showers:
Kodjo Akolor! [TV-radio personality]
-Directly from a power dog walk:
Pia Johansson! [actor and lecturer]
-And the man who dedicates himself to fitness:
Claes Malmberg. [actor and comedian]
-These are our four regular taskers.
-Also, each episode has a special guest.
He's a man who thinks "sweatiquette" is important.
-Here he comes: Kalle Zackari Wahlström!
[actor, hosted ’Sweat & Etiquette’]
-Hello!
-He thinks flattery will
win this for him. Wrong!
-Here, sometimes of assistance,
we have David Sundin.
- Is your desk smaller?
- No, I'm probably bigger.
-I know how it feels.
-Hi, everyone, welcome.
You have been subjected
to task after task.
Now you will be scored by me.
How does it feel?
It was a great experience.
-Being in the real world
and the studio,-
-not only with them but with you ...
-You didn't say that before!
-You trash talked Babben before!
-You say you lack competitive
instinct, is that true?
-Yes. I have a 7-year-older brother.
-I've gotten used to always
being the best at being worst.
-Here is your total opposite.
-Kalle, you seem to go "all in".
- Have you ever gone too far?
- I've felt shame now and then.
Maybe I went into this too hard.
As if I was possessed by
the competition devil.
-That crossed our minds.
-If you can help me with that, perhaps after...
-Let's get started with the first task.
What's the task?
-You were instructed to bring
your most unusual item.
-Babben will rate your unusual items.
They will make up the prize pool.
-The winner has to
take the items home.
-Has to?
-Well, then, what are the items?
-We shall see.
-Kalle’s most unusual item
is an exercise tool:
-His biggest kettlebell,
which weighs an impressive 203 pounds.
-Bianca Kronlöf adds a tooth to the pool.
As it's hers, it's quite unusual.
-Yuk!
-Pia Johansson has chosen
a yarn divider. Lovely, Pia!
-This one Kodjo made in Arts and Crafts, to honor
Babben, or just for laughs. A unique mirror.
-Claes brought TV presenter Lasse Kronér's
big toenail. Unusual? Yes. Fresh? No.
-That's so gross!
-No, not at all.
-I don't understand why you have it.
-It's a coincidence.
-Many people may know Lasse-
-as a nice television presenter,
and even as a singer.
-But he is also an author. He has written
the book "101 Tasty Sandwiches".
At Christmas you eat rice porridge, and he who
finds an almond in the porridge will get married...
-So he made sandwiches in the
same spirit and he said:
-"The one who finds something in the sandwich
will be getting married." And I did.
-Then I did not want to get rid of ...
-It's a long story. Much longer than this long story.
-So Pia may be getting married if she wins?
-No thank you.
-You should bring something unusual.
You probably have hundreds of kettlebells?
Yes, but none as big. I found it funny
that people would carry it around.
-As a practical joke.
-Hilarious... That’s really funny.
-I found them online for £23.49.
-Without shipping, which in fairness is
pretty pricey. You get one point.
-Is that good or bad?
-Not good.
-Then we have your yarn divider.
You get two points for it.
Thanks to that, I have knitted this,-
-so I'll put it in the pool.
-Wow!
-What a beautiful cardigan.
-You did not knit that yourself!
-It took 348 days to do.
-I've made these pants myself...
-Is there anything else to add to the pool?
-Claes, your item was disgusting,
but nails grow out.
-In principle, you can harvest Lasse Kronér
every third month. 3 points to you.
-Bianca, basicly the same applies to you.
You'll likely have 30 more teeth.
-You think it's mildew.
But it's an adult tooth!
-4 to Bianca.
5 points: Kodjo - a unique item.
-Stop it!
-Thanks for that.
-And we've begun - What happens now?
-We have finished the first task.
-Do we want to continue with the second task?
-You are so thoughtful.
-We are heading to the Bäst i Test house,
where we perform most tasks.
-It’s our arena. That's where we'll
see how it all plays out.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Am I supposed to start a clock?
-No. Read.
“Pop the bubble wrap bubbles.
Most wins."
- "You have 5 minutes to plan"...
-..."and 100 seconds to pop.”
-"Your time begins now." Shit!
Wait, 100 seconds ...
-Important to know is that you
have 5 minutes to plan-
-and then the 100 seconds begin,
when you can perform your grandiose plan.
-It would seem Claes has a reasonable chance?
-Yes.
-He could take the lead.
-Let's have a look at it.
-Can you try first?
-You cannot pop anything ...
-If this works, it'll be damn good.
-I'll see if can I find something
out there. Just check it out...
-You can't try THAT much.
I may start taking time.
-First after 5 minutes.
-If you're going, we're going.
-I'm cheating... fuck!
I haven’t begun!
-It was actually a good idea.
-To put your knee down?
-There's something here ... I want to roll
something over it. It has to be heavy, though.
-Like that...
-Totally worthless.
-And we're off! 100 seconds...
-Im not gonna give a.. I've won so much in my days...
-...from now!
-How much time is left?
-30 seconds have passed.
-Fuck, I'll get tinnitus from this!
-10 seconds left.
-Time is up! Stop the show!
-Get off it,
without popping any more.
-So in conclusion, you used all 5 minutes
to carefully plan and try out different methods-
-but in the end you hoped that
your body weight would do the job.
-I'm in shock.
-I want say I'm sorry to my children,
my family, my extended family-
-Gothenburg, Sweden, Europe, the EU-
-and also parts of the United States.
I apologize for this faux pas.
-You needn't, that was quite effective, right?
How many bubbles did he break?
-Claes popped at total of 669 bubbles.
-But that's not saying anything!
You could think of it as 6.6
bubbles per second. Pretty impressive.
So it’s not certain
that I will be last?
- It's probably quite ...
- You think the point of this is to come last?
-This day is... You picked me first
to show how good the others are?
-Do you think someone else popped more?
-I actually hope so!
-But at the same time, when I see myself,
what an impressive commitment from me!
-And I suspect none of the others
can beat my commitment!
-Let's watch Bianca, Pia and
Kodjo perform the task.
-Two minutes.
-Shit!
-You may start earlier...
-Now! I popped a lot!
-No, it did not work at all!
-There's no business
like show business ...
-Die, you fucker! Die!
-God, this is hard work!
-20 seconds left.
-La-la ... la-di-da!
-Two, one, stop.
-God, phew!
-Is there any task where you simply
just sit down and think?
-Well... Bianca, tell me about the table.
-My plan was to turn the table over,
and then everything would be completely flat.
-I did this - then a single bubble
popped. "No! 100 seconds!"
-Right now I appear quite intelligent.
-Here's the result.
Bianca popped 1,289 bubbles.
-Pia: 1,929 bubbles.
-And Kodjo: 2,460 bubbles!
-There is no video of you
counting popped bubbles?
-They were counted carefully.
-Who did it?
-A trainee ... who coincidentally has
chosen to end his internship now.
-The numbers are correct. What's the score?
-We have not seen Kalle yet.
-If you want to start earlier, that's fine.
Can I take this and go?
-You'll also have to run, David.
-Oh well.
-I can go at any time.
-I know where this is heading.
I need something, so I can
light it from a distance.
You're gonna light THAT on fire?
Your 100 seconds starts now!
How about that?!
Incredibly effective.
-Fantastic!
-Impressive!
Firefighters all over Sweden left
us this message: Do not try this at home.
He melted the bubbles;
he did not pop them.
-The task was to get rid of the bubbles.
-With dignity, I heard.
You should be able to look
your children in the eyes.
If I have to lose, it will be to
something like this. Ingenious!
With humbleness I say: "Thank you, Kalle.
Next time we do this, I'll do that."
-Let's see what this did to the score...
-Wait, how many did I pop?
I can show you exactly
how many bubbles you popped.
Here's what the bubble wrap looks like now.
I conclude that it was ALL the bubbles.
I think we'll put it in the pool;
it's really an unusual object.
You really impress early on. Like alpine
ski racer Ingemar Stenmark on "Superstars".
-A bit humiliating for the rest of you.
You get curious about who you are, where you're from...
...and it's really fitting that we have arrived
at the segment “The Middle of the Program”,-
-where we get to know our guest a bit better.
Unfortunately, David is in charge of it.
Thank you, thanks!
-Let's see, we'll get to know you better.
-How fun.
-How's it hanging?
-Good...
"Good" ... Okay, then we're off!
-You also enjoy... I hear you have a family.
-Yes.
-You also enjoy... You provide them with
warmth as well, so to speak? -Yes.
Oh really? And you do that by...
So... how DO you make it warm at home?
With firewood, okay...
-You love wood.
-Love the wood - Searching for the wood.
This coincidentally leads us to the next
segment of our show: "Wood you know?"
"WOOD YOU KNOW?"
-Fun, thank you!
-Read the task.
All you need to know is in
a letter. Below, you'll find a letter.
Get it out. Oh, you might have
been able to grab it with your hand but...
Now we get to see this side of you.
True, we were supposed get to know the guest...
Should I read it out? "Task 031"... [area code
for Gothenburg] - How nice for you, Claes.
"Wood you know what David has in his pocket?"
You get 15 seconds to palpate the pocket "-
- "and ask three yes or no questions each.
You may not reach down into"...
... "or rip out the pocket."
"After that, you'll write down your guess.
Your time begins when David tells you.“
"Palpate" is to feel outside
what is hidden inside.
I have an item in my right pocket.
You must feel from the outside, do not
reach down into, or turn me upside down.
You each get 15 seconds to ask questions.
When we hear a sound, I move on.
Do not ask: "Is it a ...?"
If the answer is yes, all of you would get full points.
Are you ready? Your time starts now.
Is it an everyday item?
-No.
Is it anything an authority uses?
-No.
Is it something illegal?
-No.
That's a...
-Do you use it at home? -Yes.
-A kitchen item? -Yes.
-Would everyone know what it is?
-No.
You come off as somewhat desperate.
-Do you use it with fruit? -No.
-Baking? -No.
-Could it hurt you?
-Yes, be careful.
-Do you use it on onions?
-No.
-Is it over now?
-Have I started? Oh!
Is it used in the kitchen?
We have already asked that.
-Is it something to do with firewood? -No.
-Birth control? -No.
Thanks. Now you have to write your guess down.
-You just wanted someone to touch you.
-No, no, no, the competition always comes first.
Touching me was merely a bonus.
-Palpate, a posh word for groping?
-Well, yes.
-How should this be rated?
-You do the rating.
-Give me a clue.
Maybe like this...
3 points to the one who
guesses correct - or the closest.
2 points to anyone who has a good guess.
May be totally wrong, but good.
-The others gets 1 point each.
-How generous...
Now we’re curious. Write.
-Then...
-Wait!
Three, two, one ...
Let's turn the signs up.
Claes wrote "timekeeper".
Pia wrote "äggdelare" [egg slicer].
Not to be confused with äggledare [oviduct]…
"Cigar cutter".
-A sausage ...
-It says "sausage cutter"!
-Which, of course, everyone has at home ...
-And a "divider"?
-That divides things.
-Divides...?
-Divides people.
I'll show you the object.
It's an egg opener, an egg...
-...divider!
-Pia! Impressive!
-Perhaps you shouldn't celebrate in advance.
-I can show joy, can’t I?
-Am I entitled to be happy?
-Yes. - She was right after all.
-Get your finger down!
-I'll throw it in the prize pool.
Pia gets 3 points.
After that, Kodjo gets 2 points,
because it was very creative.
I've always wanted to have one of those.
-It's not a real thing!
-It was creative. All others: 1 point.
Oh man, this program...
The prize pool is really
worth fighting for...
After all, we have Lasse Kronér's toenail.
If you find that incomprehensible,
it will be more of the same in the next task.
-A firefighter.
-Hello.
-[In Icelandic] Hello.
-Sorry, what?
-How funny, hi, I'm Bianca.
-Trausti.
-Is it for me? From you?
- "Find out the information below" ...
-..."from an Icelandic fireman."
-Let me be the first to say: Welcome to Sweden.
-And let's hope there are no fires in Iceland.
-Do you speak Swedish?
-But that was a "no" in Swedish...
- "You have 5 minutes."
- "Your time starts now."
"What is your social security number?"
- Do you speak English? No? Okay.
SCREEMS LIKE A NEWBORN
You needed to get information from
a man who only speaks Icelandic.
Do any of you speak Icelandic?
- It's alright, Kodjo.
He understands Swedish. How long
did it take to discover that?
-Don't remember. It was so stressful.
-We spoke mainly the language of love.
As you should. - You should also understand some
Icelandic; the languages are closely related.
Yes, it's easy. Let's have a look at how
it went for Claes, Kalle and Bianca.
-What’s your birthday?
-[in Icelandic] The 27th.
-What?!
-[in Icelandic] 27.
-What?!
One more time.
Say it damn slowly.
-[in Icelandic] Twenty-seven
-"Titties"? Sounds like seventeen.
Little baby ... Oh, oh ...
One more time. Seven - the seventh!
But what about "titties" then?
-What does your father do for a living?
-[In Icelandic] He used to own a computer store.
-What's that?
What?
- "Töllvebod"?
-One more time, extremely slowly.
-[In Icelandic] Computer.
-[In Icelandic] A computer has a screen.
One that you can write on.
-Writes on a computer? In a magazine?
-[In Icelandic] Computer. -Author?
-Is this some internet thing you should know about?
-[In Icelandic] No, you could buy computers there.
-What is it? Do I have to know the answer?
-[In Icelandic] He sells computers.
-He sells typewriters?
-[In Icelandic] Almost.
-Computers? Yes!
- What's Your favorite dish?
Say something Swedish.
-[In Icelandic] Sausages.
-Yes, sausages! Just sausages?
-[In Icelandic] No a sausage with extra everything.
-Mashed potatoes?
-[In Icelandic] No, with extra everything.
-With a bun? -[In Icelandic] Almost, with
extra everything. And a bun. That too, everything...
-[In Icelandic] A sausage with all the toppings!
-I'll just write down sausage s.
-What do you do on a day off in Reykjavik?
-[In Icelandic] I'll head downtown.
-Hanging at home?
-[In Icelandic] No, I'll bring the kids.
-You bring the junkies?
-[In Icelandic] Time's up.
-It went really well for us!
-Thanks so much.
-Funny thing about Icelandic is you really don't
understand it better if you ask them to talk slowly.
-But, why didn't you just ask him to write down
when he was born? Were you all just mentally blocked?
Yes!
-I started drawing a baby...
-There's something wrong in my head.
-Did you have any Icelanders to call?
-Yes.
-We had very little time. And he was really good
looking, so you just drowned in his beautiful eyes.
-Then I got confused. -Yes, we kind of noticed;
you thought there was a theme to it all?
-Pia, for some reason, believed all the
answers had something to do with water.
-What's your greatest asset?
-[In Icelandic] Probably my muscles.
-"Vöddnevatturs"?
-You are good at sucking water?
-[In Icelandic] No, they are on me. Muscles.
-You are handsome under water?
-Daddy, what did he do for a living?
-[In Icelandic] He worked in a computer store.
-He poured water into the toilet?
-[In Icelandic] No
-He flushed the toilet?
-Can you show me how to "tölva"?
-[In Icelandic] Eh, no.
-What are you afraid of?
-[In Icelandic] I don't really like spiders.
-[In Icelandic] It's a small animal that
crawls around on floors and walls.
-So... Like sewage flowing up?
-Where would you most like to travel?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-The Black Sea?
-[In Icelandic] No, it's a country.
-The Black Sea, the Black Country?
-[In Icelandic] Time's up.
-I can't ask you anything else?
-[In Icelandic] No.
-Would you like my phone number?
-[In Icelandic] Yes.
-What's with the water?
-He reminded me of my dad, who was a scuba diver.
-I saw something manly, beautiful, fatherly in him.
-Did you get the phone number?
-Yes, we've moved in together.
-I live in Reykjavik in the fall.
-Actually, we have our firefighter in the audience.
-Trausti, wave!
-Then we have one contestant left.
-What do you think, David?
Kodjo used his time a little...
-Let's just watch it.
-Yes, okay.
-What's your favourite dish?
-[In Icelandic] Sausages with extra everything.
-Sure, whatever that is, it's probablby tasty.
-Where would you want to travel?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-South Africa? "Svartvetland"?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-"Svartfjättlaland"...
-Let's skip that one... Favourite movie?
-[In Icelandic] "Fight Club".
-What is it about?
-[In Icelandic] It's like a club... where they fight.
-Yes...
-Okay ... So the movie is called ...
-[In Icelandic] Fight Club.
-I know! That's why I was ashamed.
-Sometimes you have to give up.
Some things cannot be understood.
-Yes, but...
-How would you score this?
-As many points as correct answers.
-We can see that Claes got 1 point.
-What?
-We really connected, I found out everything!
-Pia, Kalle and Kodjo all got
3 points, and Bianca 4 points.
-What did you have?
-It was communication.
-Kodjo did not ask a single question!
Were we supposed to laugh for 5 minutes?
-I understand it is bothersome.
I would also be provoked.
-He received three correct answers.
-Where are we?
-In a TV studio at Gärdet [part of Stockholm].
-We are at the next task.
-Yes.
-Oh...
-What is this?
-Oh!
-Oh...
-Where is the envelope?
Well...
Oh fuck, how could I miss it!
I was afraid of the pilates ball.
Oh...
- "Empty the bathtub of all water."
- "Fastest time wins."
- "Do not remove the plug," ...
-... "roll, move, or in any way harm the bathtub."
-Time starts ... now!
-It was quite self-explanatory.
-The water should not drain down out
of the bathtub, but up out of it... somehow.
-In this one, I think your
self-esteem grew a bit, Kodjo.
-Now we will look at
Kodjo, Bianca and Pia.
-I'll get really wet.
-Are you a genius?
-Yes, according to some.
-Can you help?
-No, I don’t feel like it.
-More.
-There you go!
-Yes!
-So. Did I win?
-Good work.
-You're a man of few words.
-It seems like you lost all
the tools at the beginning.
-I "peaked" during the
walk to the shed.
-In what sense?
-In energy and dedication. But then...
-You appeared to already have given up.
-When I realized I was crazy.
-It's never a good feeling.
-I'm used to it.
-You just give or throw away your clothes
all the time. -That was my last shirt.
-I went all in...
-You knitted a new one.
-That's how it is with me. -Thank you for
treating us to old-fashioned sudden nudity.
-We had to pixelate it a bit.
-You can always knit a new one...
...should you win back your yarn divider.
-What's the time among the three?
-Only seconds separated them.
-But we have two left.
-Finally some essential contestants.
-We’ll watch the two athletes:
Claes and Kalle.
-Your time starts now.
-I had a weird idea,
but I'll drop it soon.
-This takes too much time!
I'll look for something else
Fuck!
-Should it be completely dry?
-Well, the water should be... out of there.
-This is really fun!
-No one could have gotten everything.
-There's a pint of water left.
-Like that! Now it is...
-No, some's still left.
-I've got nothing else! Wait...
-There we have it!
-I always want to learn new things.
What was the plan with the ball?
-This is not how I remember it went.
-It feels like you were
going to suck up the water.
-I had planned that the ball
would suck out the water.
-At least I thought. That I thought
wrong is another matter.
-It’s worth a hand for that!
-Thanks.
-David, tell me about the results.
-No, don't bother.
-We know how it went. You don’t need
to extend the humiliation.
-Places 1 to 4 were very even.
Only 27 seconds separates them.
Then there's a... small gap...
Best time - 1:52, Kalle!
-Wow! - Thanks for a good game...
-6:45 for Claes.
-6:45?
-Almost 7 minutes. Same task.
-The same bathtub.
-Now you understand how much more tired I am.
-There are bathtub sprints and
bathtub marathons. I did the marathon.
-Yes.
-You did 100 meters in a marathon time.
-Exactly.
-We are glad that you survived.
-Can we summarize the scores?
-Absolutely. With these points,
we have Kodjo in first place.
Second place: Bianca and Kalle.
Close behind is Pia at 14 points.
-Then a small gap. Half of 14 is 7.
There we have Claes.
-Good!
-There's a lot left, Claes.
-Let's move on.
-Next task: poor coverage.
-Hope we'll eat something.
-Oh no, we're both in relationships.
-A bedroom farce...
-I'll open.
-Auntie will need these on. Ready?
-"Make this bed to hotel standard
while holding hands at all times."
"The task is complete when
both of you are on the bed."
-"Fastest team wins. Your time
starts now." We have to hold hands.
-We have divided the taskers
into two teams.
-The experienced: Claes and Pia. And the
less experienced: Kodjo and Bianca.
-The winners get 3 points.
- Kalle, you will guess which team wins.
-You get 3 points or 0 points.
-Which team will do this fastest?
-The less experienced.
-You put your 3 points on them.
-Is that your answer?
-Now when I've seen how it's been so far...
-He's so right.
-Then we'll see how it goes.
-We make your side first.
-Okay.
-"Love you; don’t let go of my hand."
-The duvet is difficult enough
without holding hands.
-Where's the opening?
-Here.
-Fuck, I'm so stressed.
-It’s been 2 minutes.
-You have all the time in the world...
by the look of things. -What the hell!
-You bet on the right horse...
-Like this.
-You can do this here.
Now! Now, we'll just stuff that shit.
-That's going to be a bit in the corner.
-There.
-Some symmetry, maybe.
-How’s it going for you?
-Aside from the mud...
...which is not hotel standard.
-Oh how nice!
-Goodnight darling.
-Good work.
-I rule this as approved.
-Brilliant.
-See ya!
-Hotel standard?
-Wouldn't like to stay at that hotel.
-Both teams’ beds looked more like they
belonged in a teenager’s room. -I apologize.
-I was a bit generous.
-We frown upon that.
-And the results?
-3 points to Kodjo and Bianca...
...and Kalle called it.
3 points there, too.
Bring out the popcorn;
time for some movies.
-"Yo, whatup, homie?!"
-Well...
There it is.
"Task 666." Satan...
"Produce a horror movie trailer using
dairy products. You have one hour."
-"Best movie wins."
-"Your time begins now."
-Yogurt, milk, sour milk, cream,
mozzarella, cheese, cottage cheese.
-I'm a lonely girl in a big house.
I have that going for me.
-We have five trailers to judge.
-I don’t wish to score these points
myself, without calling an expert.
-Welcome, movie critic Göran Everdahl!
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Have you seen a lot of horror movies?
-Loads!
It’s wonderful to get paid
to watch movies.
I had to force myself to watch horror
flicks. But I'm hardheaded by numbers.
-What does a good horror trailer contain?
-In this case: dairy products.
-Correct.
-Grated cheese and the like.
Preferably blood or yogurt ...
-Who do we start with?
-Bianca said something about a lonely girl.
We'll start with that.
-You are alone in an old house.
-Hello!
-You only recently laid off dairy products ...
-I've given up dairy!
-You get a sacrificial nightgown.
-Not the sacrificial nightgown...
-No...
-...and look a bit awful.
-I look a bit awful ...
-...but also, a bit cute.
-For some reason you run out
into the woods and vomit over a camera.
"Perish by lactose"!
-Tha t was amazing!
-Awesome!
-Do you have a brief comment, Göran?
-I only object to the title.
-It's not nasty enough.
-The trailer in itself is super -
lots of horror effects and dairy products.
-I tried to get all on board.
-I love the horror movie logic:
-Milk pours over you. From where?
It doesn't matter; it's a horror movie.
-Who's next in line?
-Kodjo.
"They found their dream home.”
-It's so beautiful!
-Nothing can go wrong.
"But underneath the perfect surface..."
"..evil lurks.”
-What was that?
-I'll go and take a look, while being naked.
-Sour milk!
-Milk!
-Boom!
"No one is safe.”
-[In French] Good day,
my name is Créme Fraîche.
"No one can be trusted.”
-Can you drop off Mozzarella at the day care?
-Oui, chéri.
"Not even..."
Hello?
"...your best friend!"
-It's-a me-a, Cottage-a Cheese-a
"Cottage Cheese Hour!!!”
-It felt a little Czech ’70s.
-What did you think?
-Your artistic choice, that we can see
your hands... It feels kinda "Fingerbobs" to me.
-Nothing wrong with that, but maybe it doesn't
work in a horror... but the title is the best.
"Cottage Cheese Hour". Three exclamation marks.
No doubt about it, it’s really the cottage cheese hour!
-What's next?
-Let's watch Pia's trailer.
PIA PRESENTS
-There are places...
where nothing that hurts can happen.
WITH PIA JOHANSSON
-There are dairy products
you think are good for you...
-...but ...are you sure?
"The sour milk-ing". (The Feeling)
-Yes...
-Was it scary enough?
-I like that it has a story.
-It is from a state to another.
I like it. It delivers.
-Good. Who do we see next?
-Time for Kalle’s trailer.
-What do you think; is there a café au lait witch?
-I don’t know.
-We're lost.
-I'm not sure we're really lost.
-Oh no! Café au lait witch! Ahh!
-It's my fault we're here,
freezing and chased.
-It reminds me of an existing movie.
-“Blair Witch Project.”
-I have one big objection:
Cafe au lait is not a dairy product.
-Oh no...
-It's my big objection.
-There's some mozzarella, grated cheese in it...
-It is still called "Café au lait Witch".
-It will work abroad.
-We've saved the... we've saved ONE film
for last, demon director Claes Malmberg's.
"PSY-COW"
That's not the first time
you played a mad cow.
-No, the role in itself didn't give me a hard time.
I guess you could call it an attempt, at least.
-What kind of horns was that?
-Horns?! They were two bananas.
-A bicycle helmet with
two bananas stuck onto it.
-I will add it to the prize pool.
Nice stuff.
-Please do.
-The table is starting to look really good.
-What did you like about the trailer?
-I liked it.
-It’s not lacking in originality. Never seen a
bleu cheese being attacked by a man in a cow suit!
-All in all, impressive to finish this in one hour.
Hitchcock took a week to do the "Psycho" scene.
-With roughly the same result.
-Yes.
If you are going to score grades 1-5,
what is your assessment then?
-Kalle: 5th place. It lacks dairy
products. I follow the rule book.
-In 4th place: Kodjo.
-What?! Didn’t you watch Claes’ movie?
- For once not.
The hands were too distracting.
-In 3rd place: Claes.
-It's a step in the right direction.
-Thanks, Göran. I am pleased with that.
-In 2nd place: Pia.
-Thanks!
For the "Rosemary's Baby" contribution.
And Bianca: 1st place!
-Your trailer with Kodjo's title
would have been perfect.
-Thank you for coming here,
Göran Everdahl!
-This must have done
something to the standings.
-With these points added, we do in fact
have a front runner: Bianca, at 23 points.
-Then Kodjo with 21 points,
Kalle 19, Pia at 18...
...and here he comes!
10 points: Claes.
-Double digits!
-Let's move on.
-Time to play “Beard.”
-Claes, can you read this
while our attendees come in?
-I can try,
but I have no glasses.
-You do it!
-"You see 15 bearded men.
Memorize their names."
-"Then each of you will name
3 randomly selected men."
-"You have 15 seconds, and each
correct name is worth 2 points."
-"You can get 0-6 points."
-What's the task?
-The men will introduce themselves.
You need to remember what all 15 are called.
-I ask 3 to step forward. You name them.
If you succeed, you get 6 points.
-Ready?
-Yes!
Number 1: Jonas.
Number 2: Dragan.
-Number 3: Lars-Åke.
-Hi, Lars-Åke.
Number 4: John.
Number 5: Cristian.
Number 6: Jack.
Number 7: Robin.
Number 8: Andreas.
Number 9: Tomi.
-Number 10: Abdallah.
-I'm completely out of my mind!
Number 11: Joel.
Number 12: Jimmy.
Number 13: Fredrik.
Number 14: Marcus.
-And number 15: Carl-Johan.
-Holy shit. It’s not possible.
-I don’t remember anyone.
-Shut the fuck up, and start asking me their names!
-We start with Bianca. May I ask
numbers 5, 10 and 15 to step forward?
-What the fuck...?
-What are these 3 called? Number 5 first.
-Shit, they're not standing next to each other!
-I only remember...
-Come on, this is just too easy!
-I can name them all!
-Now, I need an answer.
-Marcus...
-...Johan and Carl-Johan!
-Any correct answers?
-There will be points.
-You can go back.
-Now it's Kodjo's turn.
-I'm asking 4, 9 and 14 to come forward.
-Kodjo, what's their names?
-Cristian, Tomi ...and Jesus.
-Christian, Tomi and Jesus.
-Was that right?
-Back to your places.
It's time for Kalle.
-Can numbers 3, 8 and 13 please step forward?
-No!
-I thought, "I don’t remember the 8th."
I can’t do any of these.
-What are their names?
-These ones I actually know.
-I also, actually.
-How can everyone know them?!
Jonas, Lars-Åke and...
-...Ronaldo.
-Jonas, Lars-Åke, Ronaldo?
-Was it right?
-No, but there was Lars-Åke.
-Then you can go back.
-0 points for Kalle.
-Then it's Pia's turn to memorize beards.
-2, 7 and 12 to the mark.
-Those were mine! Shit...
You said I should take three.
-These are the three I took.
-Fucking bad luck.
-Pia, what are these people called?
Left to right.
-Something beginning with A ...
Ali, Robin and Sten-Åke.
-Was that right? Go back.
-One point.
-Can I point out something?
I've been waiting for a really long time.
-I have forgotten what they are called.
-Well, you stood closest and had the best view.
-Yes, I saw them first, that's true.
-Then it's Claes’ turn.
-Numbers 1, 6 and 11.
-What are these three people called?
The first one was first, you should remember him.
-Because he was first.
-No logic behind that, but I'm saying Marcus.
-Then I say... I think it's really embarrassing
not to be able to remember their names.
-That's how well-mannered I am,
so I want to apologize.
-The 11th is Joel.
-That's it! - Was that right?
-Points to Claes as well.
-Then all of you have had your turn.
-Yes, that's how you play “Beard".
-I thank our bearded men.
May your gearboxes never run out of oil.
-This what a somewhat shaggy final round.
Now I think we have a result.
-If we look from the bottom up...
There we have Claes.
-Then we have Kalle on 19 points,
Pia 20, Kodjo 23 ...
...but Bianca wins with 25 points!
Come here, Bianca.
-Treat yourself.
-What have we learned today?
Well, if you don't have horns, bananas will do...
and palpate is just a posh word for groping.
-Bianca had trouble with the bubbles, but
bubbled her way to the top to take home the victory.
-Thank you for watching
and come back. Goodbye!
Adapted from original
English subtitles by moskillius
that takes nonsense seriously.
We have gathered a bunch of people-
-to perform simple tasks.
They have done that with mixed
results. Here are the contestants:
-Bianca "The Lightning" Kronlöf!
[actress and comedian]
-Directly from the gym showers:
Kodjo Akolor! [TV-radio personality]
-Directly from a power dog walk:
Pia Johansson! [actor and lecturer]
-And the man who dedicates himself to fitness:
Claes Malmberg. [actor and comedian]
-These are our four regular taskers.
-Also, each episode has a special guest.
He's a man who thinks "sweatiquette" is important.
-Here he comes: Kalle Zackari Wahlström!
[actor, hosted ’Sweat & Etiquette’]
-Hello!
-He thinks flattery will
win this for him. Wrong!
-Here, sometimes of assistance,
we have David Sundin.
- Is your desk smaller?
- No, I'm probably bigger.
-I know how it feels.
-Hi, everyone, welcome.
You have been subjected
to task after task.
Now you will be scored by me.
How does it feel?
It was a great experience.
-Being in the real world
and the studio,-
-not only with them but with you ...
-You didn't say that before!
-You trash talked Babben before!
-You say you lack competitive
instinct, is that true?
-Yes. I have a 7-year-older brother.
-I've gotten used to always
being the best at being worst.
-Here is your total opposite.
-Kalle, you seem to go "all in".
- Have you ever gone too far?
- I've felt shame now and then.
Maybe I went into this too hard.
As if I was possessed by
the competition devil.
-That crossed our minds.
-If you can help me with that, perhaps after...
-Let's get started with the first task.
What's the task?
-You were instructed to bring
your most unusual item.
-Babben will rate your unusual items.
They will make up the prize pool.
-The winner has to
take the items home.
-Has to?
-Well, then, what are the items?
-We shall see.
-Kalle’s most unusual item
is an exercise tool:
-His biggest kettlebell,
which weighs an impressive 203 pounds.
-Bianca Kronlöf adds a tooth to the pool.
As it's hers, it's quite unusual.
-Yuk!
-Pia Johansson has chosen
a yarn divider. Lovely, Pia!
-This one Kodjo made in Arts and Crafts, to honor
Babben, or just for laughs. A unique mirror.
-Claes brought TV presenter Lasse Kronér's
big toenail. Unusual? Yes. Fresh? No.
-That's so gross!
-No, not at all.
-I don't understand why you have it.
-It's a coincidence.
-Many people may know Lasse-
-as a nice television presenter,
and even as a singer.
-But he is also an author. He has written
the book "101 Tasty Sandwiches".
At Christmas you eat rice porridge, and he who
finds an almond in the porridge will get married...
-So he made sandwiches in the
same spirit and he said:
-"The one who finds something in the sandwich
will be getting married." And I did.
-Then I did not want to get rid of ...
-It's a long story. Much longer than this long story.
-So Pia may be getting married if she wins?
-No thank you.
-You should bring something unusual.
You probably have hundreds of kettlebells?
Yes, but none as big. I found it funny
that people would carry it around.
-As a practical joke.
-Hilarious... That’s really funny.
-I found them online for £23.49.
-Without shipping, which in fairness is
pretty pricey. You get one point.
-Is that good or bad?
-Not good.
-Then we have your yarn divider.
You get two points for it.
Thanks to that, I have knitted this,-
-so I'll put it in the pool.
-Wow!
-What a beautiful cardigan.
-You did not knit that yourself!
-It took 348 days to do.
-I've made these pants myself...
-Is there anything else to add to the pool?
-Claes, your item was disgusting,
but nails grow out.
-In principle, you can harvest Lasse Kronér
every third month. 3 points to you.
-Bianca, basicly the same applies to you.
You'll likely have 30 more teeth.
-You think it's mildew.
But it's an adult tooth!
-4 to Bianca.
5 points: Kodjo - a unique item.
-Stop it!
-Thanks for that.
-And we've begun - What happens now?
-We have finished the first task.
-Do we want to continue with the second task?
-You are so thoughtful.
-We are heading to the Bäst i Test house,
where we perform most tasks.
-It’s our arena. That's where we'll
see how it all plays out.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Am I supposed to start a clock?
-No. Read.
“Pop the bubble wrap bubbles.
Most wins."
- "You have 5 minutes to plan"...
-..."and 100 seconds to pop.”
-"Your time begins now." Shit!
Wait, 100 seconds ...
-Important to know is that you
have 5 minutes to plan-
-and then the 100 seconds begin,
when you can perform your grandiose plan.
-It would seem Claes has a reasonable chance?
-Yes.
-He could take the lead.
-Let's have a look at it.
-Can you try first?
-You cannot pop anything ...
-If this works, it'll be damn good.
-I'll see if can I find something
out there. Just check it out...
-You can't try THAT much.
I may start taking time.
-First after 5 minutes.
-If you're going, we're going.
-I'm cheating... fuck!
I haven’t begun!
-It was actually a good idea.
-To put your knee down?
-There's something here ... I want to roll
something over it. It has to be heavy, though.
-Like that...
-Totally worthless.
-And we're off! 100 seconds...
-Im not gonna give a.. I've won so much in my days...
-...from now!
-How much time is left?
-30 seconds have passed.
-Fuck, I'll get tinnitus from this!
-10 seconds left.
-Time is up! Stop the show!
-Get off it,
without popping any more.
-So in conclusion, you used all 5 minutes
to carefully plan and try out different methods-
-but in the end you hoped that
your body weight would do the job.
-I'm in shock.
-I want say I'm sorry to my children,
my family, my extended family-
-Gothenburg, Sweden, Europe, the EU-
-and also parts of the United States.
I apologize for this faux pas.
-You needn't, that was quite effective, right?
How many bubbles did he break?
-Claes popped at total of 669 bubbles.
-But that's not saying anything!
You could think of it as 6.6
bubbles per second. Pretty impressive.
So it’s not certain
that I will be last?
- It's probably quite ...
- You think the point of this is to come last?
-This day is... You picked me first
to show how good the others are?
-Do you think someone else popped more?
-I actually hope so!
-But at the same time, when I see myself,
what an impressive commitment from me!
-And I suspect none of the others
can beat my commitment!
-Let's watch Bianca, Pia and
Kodjo perform the task.
-Two minutes.
-Shit!
-You may start earlier...
-Now! I popped a lot!
-No, it did not work at all!
-There's no business
like show business ...
-Die, you fucker! Die!
-God, this is hard work!
-20 seconds left.
-La-la ... la-di-da!
-Two, one, stop.
-God, phew!
-Is there any task where you simply
just sit down and think?
-Well... Bianca, tell me about the table.
-My plan was to turn the table over,
and then everything would be completely flat.
-I did this - then a single bubble
popped. "No! 100 seconds!"
-Right now I appear quite intelligent.
-Here's the result.
Bianca popped 1,289 bubbles.
-Pia: 1,929 bubbles.
-And Kodjo: 2,460 bubbles!
-There is no video of you
counting popped bubbles?
-They were counted carefully.
-Who did it?
-A trainee ... who coincidentally has
chosen to end his internship now.
-The numbers are correct. What's the score?
-We have not seen Kalle yet.
-If you want to start earlier, that's fine.
Can I take this and go?
-You'll also have to run, David.
-Oh well.
-I can go at any time.
-I know where this is heading.
I need something, so I can
light it from a distance.
You're gonna light THAT on fire?
Your 100 seconds starts now!
How about that?!
Incredibly effective.
-Fantastic!
-Impressive!
Firefighters all over Sweden left
us this message: Do not try this at home.
He melted the bubbles;
he did not pop them.
-The task was to get rid of the bubbles.
-With dignity, I heard.
You should be able to look
your children in the eyes.
If I have to lose, it will be to
something like this. Ingenious!
With humbleness I say: "Thank you, Kalle.
Next time we do this, I'll do that."
-Let's see what this did to the score...
-Wait, how many did I pop?
I can show you exactly
how many bubbles you popped.
Here's what the bubble wrap looks like now.
I conclude that it was ALL the bubbles.
I think we'll put it in the pool;
it's really an unusual object.
You really impress early on. Like alpine
ski racer Ingemar Stenmark on "Superstars".
-A bit humiliating for the rest of you.
You get curious about who you are, where you're from...
...and it's really fitting that we have arrived
at the segment “The Middle of the Program”,-
-where we get to know our guest a bit better.
Unfortunately, David is in charge of it.
Thank you, thanks!
-Let's see, we'll get to know you better.
-How fun.
-How's it hanging?
-Good...
"Good" ... Okay, then we're off!
-You also enjoy... I hear you have a family.
-Yes.
-You also enjoy... You provide them with
warmth as well, so to speak? -Yes.
Oh really? And you do that by...
So... how DO you make it warm at home?
With firewood, okay...
-You love wood.
-Love the wood - Searching for the wood.
This coincidentally leads us to the next
segment of our show: "Wood you know?"
"WOOD YOU KNOW?"
-Fun, thank you!
-Read the task.
All you need to know is in
a letter. Below, you'll find a letter.
Get it out. Oh, you might have
been able to grab it with your hand but...
Now we get to see this side of you.
True, we were supposed get to know the guest...
Should I read it out? "Task 031"... [area code
for Gothenburg] - How nice for you, Claes.
"Wood you know what David has in his pocket?"
You get 15 seconds to palpate the pocket "-
- "and ask three yes or no questions each.
You may not reach down into"...
... "or rip out the pocket."
"After that, you'll write down your guess.
Your time begins when David tells you.“
"Palpate" is to feel outside
what is hidden inside.
I have an item in my right pocket.
You must feel from the outside, do not
reach down into, or turn me upside down.
You each get 15 seconds to ask questions.
When we hear a sound, I move on.
Do not ask: "Is it a ...?"
If the answer is yes, all of you would get full points.
Are you ready? Your time starts now.
Is it an everyday item?
-No.
Is it anything an authority uses?
-No.
Is it something illegal?
-No.
That's a...
-Do you use it at home? -Yes.
-A kitchen item? -Yes.
-Would everyone know what it is?
-No.
You come off as somewhat desperate.
-Do you use it with fruit? -No.
-Baking? -No.
-Could it hurt you?
-Yes, be careful.
-Do you use it on onions?
-No.
-Is it over now?
-Have I started? Oh!
Is it used in the kitchen?
We have already asked that.
-Is it something to do with firewood? -No.
-Birth control? -No.
Thanks. Now you have to write your guess down.
-You just wanted someone to touch you.
-No, no, no, the competition always comes first.
Touching me was merely a bonus.
-Palpate, a posh word for groping?
-Well, yes.
-How should this be rated?
-You do the rating.
-Give me a clue.
Maybe like this...
3 points to the one who
guesses correct - or the closest.
2 points to anyone who has a good guess.
May be totally wrong, but good.
-The others gets 1 point each.
-How generous...
Now we’re curious. Write.
-Then...
-Wait!
Three, two, one ...
Let's turn the signs up.
Claes wrote "timekeeper".
Pia wrote "äggdelare" [egg slicer].
Not to be confused with äggledare [oviduct]…
"Cigar cutter".
-A sausage ...
-It says "sausage cutter"!
-Which, of course, everyone has at home ...
-And a "divider"?
-That divides things.
-Divides...?
-Divides people.
I'll show you the object.
It's an egg opener, an egg...
-...divider!
-Pia! Impressive!
-Perhaps you shouldn't celebrate in advance.
-I can show joy, can’t I?
-Am I entitled to be happy?
-Yes. - She was right after all.
-Get your finger down!
-I'll throw it in the prize pool.
Pia gets 3 points.
After that, Kodjo gets 2 points,
because it was very creative.
I've always wanted to have one of those.
-It's not a real thing!
-It was creative. All others: 1 point.
Oh man, this program...
The prize pool is really
worth fighting for...
After all, we have Lasse Kronér's toenail.
If you find that incomprehensible,
it will be more of the same in the next task.
-A firefighter.
-Hello.
-[In Icelandic] Hello.
-Sorry, what?
-How funny, hi, I'm Bianca.
-Trausti.
-Is it for me? From you?
- "Find out the information below" ...
-..."from an Icelandic fireman."
-Let me be the first to say: Welcome to Sweden.
-And let's hope there are no fires in Iceland.
-Do you speak Swedish?
-But that was a "no" in Swedish...
- "You have 5 minutes."
- "Your time starts now."
"What is your social security number?"
- Do you speak English? No? Okay.
SCREEMS LIKE A NEWBORN
You needed to get information from
a man who only speaks Icelandic.
Do any of you speak Icelandic?
- It's alright, Kodjo.
He understands Swedish. How long
did it take to discover that?
-Don't remember. It was so stressful.
-We spoke mainly the language of love.
As you should. - You should also understand some
Icelandic; the languages are closely related.
Yes, it's easy. Let's have a look at how
it went for Claes, Kalle and Bianca.
-What’s your birthday?
-[in Icelandic] The 27th.
-What?!
-[in Icelandic] 27.
-What?!
One more time.
Say it damn slowly.
-[in Icelandic] Twenty-seven
-"Titties"? Sounds like seventeen.
Little baby ... Oh, oh ...
One more time. Seven - the seventh!
But what about "titties" then?
-What does your father do for a living?
-[In Icelandic] He used to own a computer store.
-What's that?
What?
- "Töllvebod"?
-One more time, extremely slowly.
-[In Icelandic] Computer.
-[In Icelandic] A computer has a screen.
One that you can write on.
-Writes on a computer? In a magazine?
-[In Icelandic] Computer. -Author?
-Is this some internet thing you should know about?
-[In Icelandic] No, you could buy computers there.
-What is it? Do I have to know the answer?
-[In Icelandic] He sells computers.
-He sells typewriters?
-[In Icelandic] Almost.
-Computers? Yes!
- What's Your favorite dish?
Say something Swedish.
-[In Icelandic] Sausages.
-Yes, sausages! Just sausages?
-[In Icelandic] No a sausage with extra everything.
-Mashed potatoes?
-[In Icelandic] No, with extra everything.
-With a bun? -[In Icelandic] Almost, with
extra everything. And a bun. That too, everything...
-[In Icelandic] A sausage with all the toppings!
-I'll just write down sausage s.
-What do you do on a day off in Reykjavik?
-[In Icelandic] I'll head downtown.
-Hanging at home?
-[In Icelandic] No, I'll bring the kids.
-You bring the junkies?
-[In Icelandic] Time's up.
-It went really well for us!
-Thanks so much.
-Funny thing about Icelandic is you really don't
understand it better if you ask them to talk slowly.
-But, why didn't you just ask him to write down
when he was born? Were you all just mentally blocked?
Yes!
-I started drawing a baby...
-There's something wrong in my head.
-Did you have any Icelanders to call?
-Yes.
-We had very little time. And he was really good
looking, so you just drowned in his beautiful eyes.
-Then I got confused. -Yes, we kind of noticed;
you thought there was a theme to it all?
-Pia, for some reason, believed all the
answers had something to do with water.
-What's your greatest asset?
-[In Icelandic] Probably my muscles.
-"Vöddnevatturs"?
-You are good at sucking water?
-[In Icelandic] No, they are on me. Muscles.
-You are handsome under water?
-Daddy, what did he do for a living?
-[In Icelandic] He worked in a computer store.
-He poured water into the toilet?
-[In Icelandic] No
-He flushed the toilet?
-Can you show me how to "tölva"?
-[In Icelandic] Eh, no.
-What are you afraid of?
-[In Icelandic] I don't really like spiders.
-[In Icelandic] It's a small animal that
crawls around on floors and walls.
-So... Like sewage flowing up?
-Where would you most like to travel?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-The Black Sea?
-[In Icelandic] No, it's a country.
-The Black Sea, the Black Country?
-[In Icelandic] Time's up.
-I can't ask you anything else?
-[In Icelandic] No.
-Would you like my phone number?
-[In Icelandic] Yes.
-What's with the water?
-He reminded me of my dad, who was a scuba diver.
-I saw something manly, beautiful, fatherly in him.
-Did you get the phone number?
-Yes, we've moved in together.
-I live in Reykjavik in the fall.
-Actually, we have our firefighter in the audience.
-Trausti, wave!
-Then we have one contestant left.
-What do you think, David?
Kodjo used his time a little...
-Let's just watch it.
-Yes, okay.
-What's your favourite dish?
-[In Icelandic] Sausages with extra everything.
-Sure, whatever that is, it's probablby tasty.
-Where would you want to travel?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-South Africa? "Svartvetland"?
-[In Icelandic] Montenegro.
-"Svartfjättlaland"...
-Let's skip that one... Favourite movie?
-[In Icelandic] "Fight Club".
-What is it about?
-[In Icelandic] It's like a club... where they fight.
-Yes...
-Okay ... So the movie is called ...
-[In Icelandic] Fight Club.
-I know! That's why I was ashamed.
-Sometimes you have to give up.
Some things cannot be understood.
-Yes, but...
-How would you score this?
-As many points as correct answers.
-We can see that Claes got 1 point.
-What?
-We really connected, I found out everything!
-Pia, Kalle and Kodjo all got
3 points, and Bianca 4 points.
-What did you have?
-It was communication.
-Kodjo did not ask a single question!
Were we supposed to laugh for 5 minutes?
-I understand it is bothersome.
I would also be provoked.
-He received three correct answers.
-Where are we?
-In a TV studio at Gärdet [part of Stockholm].
-We are at the next task.
-Yes.
-Oh...
-What is this?
-Oh!
-Oh...
-Where is the envelope?
Well...
Oh fuck, how could I miss it!
I was afraid of the pilates ball.
Oh...
- "Empty the bathtub of all water."
- "Fastest time wins."
- "Do not remove the plug," ...
-... "roll, move, or in any way harm the bathtub."
-Time starts ... now!
-It was quite self-explanatory.
-The water should not drain down out
of the bathtub, but up out of it... somehow.
-In this one, I think your
self-esteem grew a bit, Kodjo.
-Now we will look at
Kodjo, Bianca and Pia.
-I'll get really wet.
-Are you a genius?
-Yes, according to some.
-Can you help?
-No, I don’t feel like it.
-More.
-There you go!
-Yes!
-So. Did I win?
-Good work.
-You're a man of few words.
-It seems like you lost all
the tools at the beginning.
-I "peaked" during the
walk to the shed.
-In what sense?
-In energy and dedication. But then...
-You appeared to already have given up.
-When I realized I was crazy.
-It's never a good feeling.
-I'm used to it.
-You just give or throw away your clothes
all the time. -That was my last shirt.
-I went all in...
-You knitted a new one.
-That's how it is with me. -Thank you for
treating us to old-fashioned sudden nudity.
-We had to pixelate it a bit.
-You can always knit a new one...
...should you win back your yarn divider.
-What's the time among the three?
-Only seconds separated them.
-But we have two left.
-Finally some essential contestants.
-We’ll watch the two athletes:
Claes and Kalle.
-Your time starts now.
-I had a weird idea,
but I'll drop it soon.
-This takes too much time!
I'll look for something else
Fuck!
-Should it be completely dry?
-Well, the water should be... out of there.
-This is really fun!
-No one could have gotten everything.
-There's a pint of water left.
-Like that! Now it is...
-No, some's still left.
-I've got nothing else! Wait...
-There we have it!
-I always want to learn new things.
What was the plan with the ball?
-This is not how I remember it went.
-It feels like you were
going to suck up the water.
-I had planned that the ball
would suck out the water.
-At least I thought. That I thought
wrong is another matter.
-It’s worth a hand for that!
-Thanks.
-David, tell me about the results.
-No, don't bother.
-We know how it went. You don’t need
to extend the humiliation.
-Places 1 to 4 were very even.
Only 27 seconds separates them.
Then there's a... small gap...
Best time - 1:52, Kalle!
-Wow! - Thanks for a good game...
-6:45 for Claes.
-6:45?
-Almost 7 minutes. Same task.
-The same bathtub.
-Now you understand how much more tired I am.
-There are bathtub sprints and
bathtub marathons. I did the marathon.
-Yes.
-You did 100 meters in a marathon time.
-Exactly.
-We are glad that you survived.
-Can we summarize the scores?
-Absolutely. With these points,
we have Kodjo in first place.
Second place: Bianca and Kalle.
Close behind is Pia at 14 points.
-Then a small gap. Half of 14 is 7.
There we have Claes.
-Good!
-There's a lot left, Claes.
-Let's move on.
-Next task: poor coverage.
-Hope we'll eat something.
-Oh no, we're both in relationships.
-A bedroom farce...
-I'll open.
-Auntie will need these on. Ready?
-"Make this bed to hotel standard
while holding hands at all times."
"The task is complete when
both of you are on the bed."
-"Fastest team wins. Your time
starts now." We have to hold hands.
-We have divided the taskers
into two teams.
-The experienced: Claes and Pia. And the
less experienced: Kodjo and Bianca.
-The winners get 3 points.
- Kalle, you will guess which team wins.
-You get 3 points or 0 points.
-Which team will do this fastest?
-The less experienced.
-You put your 3 points on them.
-Is that your answer?
-Now when I've seen how it's been so far...
-He's so right.
-Then we'll see how it goes.
-We make your side first.
-Okay.
-"Love you; don’t let go of my hand."
-The duvet is difficult enough
without holding hands.
-Where's the opening?
-Here.
-Fuck, I'm so stressed.
-It’s been 2 minutes.
-You have all the time in the world...
by the look of things. -What the hell!
-You bet on the right horse...
-Like this.
-You can do this here.
Now! Now, we'll just stuff that shit.
-That's going to be a bit in the corner.
-There.
-Some symmetry, maybe.
-How’s it going for you?
-Aside from the mud...
...which is not hotel standard.
-Oh how nice!
-Goodnight darling.
-Good work.
-I rule this as approved.
-Brilliant.
-See ya!
-Hotel standard?
-Wouldn't like to stay at that hotel.
-Both teams’ beds looked more like they
belonged in a teenager’s room. -I apologize.
-I was a bit generous.
-We frown upon that.
-And the results?
-3 points to Kodjo and Bianca...
...and Kalle called it.
3 points there, too.
Bring out the popcorn;
time for some movies.
-"Yo, whatup, homie?!"
-Well...
There it is.
"Task 666." Satan...
"Produce a horror movie trailer using
dairy products. You have one hour."
-"Best movie wins."
-"Your time begins now."
-Yogurt, milk, sour milk, cream,
mozzarella, cheese, cottage cheese.
-I'm a lonely girl in a big house.
I have that going for me.
-We have five trailers to judge.
-I don’t wish to score these points
myself, without calling an expert.
-Welcome, movie critic Göran Everdahl!
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Have you seen a lot of horror movies?
-Loads!
It’s wonderful to get paid
to watch movies.
I had to force myself to watch horror
flicks. But I'm hardheaded by numbers.
-What does a good horror trailer contain?
-In this case: dairy products.
-Correct.
-Grated cheese and the like.
Preferably blood or yogurt ...
-Who do we start with?
-Bianca said something about a lonely girl.
We'll start with that.
-You are alone in an old house.
-Hello!
-You only recently laid off dairy products ...
-I've given up dairy!
-You get a sacrificial nightgown.
-Not the sacrificial nightgown...
-No...
-...and look a bit awful.
-I look a bit awful ...
-...but also, a bit cute.
-For some reason you run out
into the woods and vomit over a camera.
"Perish by lactose"!
-Tha t was amazing!
-Awesome!
-Do you have a brief comment, Göran?
-I only object to the title.
-It's not nasty enough.
-The trailer in itself is super -
lots of horror effects and dairy products.
-I tried to get all on board.
-I love the horror movie logic:
-Milk pours over you. From where?
It doesn't matter; it's a horror movie.
-Who's next in line?
-Kodjo.
"They found their dream home.”
-It's so beautiful!
-Nothing can go wrong.
"But underneath the perfect surface..."
"..evil lurks.”
-What was that?
-I'll go and take a look, while being naked.
-Sour milk!
-Milk!
-Boom!
"No one is safe.”
-[In French] Good day,
my name is Créme Fraîche.
"No one can be trusted.”
-Can you drop off Mozzarella at the day care?
-Oui, chéri.
"Not even..."
Hello?
"...your best friend!"
-It's-a me-a, Cottage-a Cheese-a
"Cottage Cheese Hour!!!”
-It felt a little Czech ’70s.
-What did you think?
-Your artistic choice, that we can see
your hands... It feels kinda "Fingerbobs" to me.
-Nothing wrong with that, but maybe it doesn't
work in a horror... but the title is the best.
"Cottage Cheese Hour". Three exclamation marks.
No doubt about it, it’s really the cottage cheese hour!
-What's next?
-Let's watch Pia's trailer.
PIA PRESENTS
-There are places...
where nothing that hurts can happen.
WITH PIA JOHANSSON
-There are dairy products
you think are good for you...
-...but ...are you sure?
"The sour milk-ing". (The Feeling)
-Yes...
-Was it scary enough?
-I like that it has a story.
-It is from a state to another.
I like it. It delivers.
-Good. Who do we see next?
-Time for Kalle’s trailer.
-What do you think; is there a café au lait witch?
-I don’t know.
-We're lost.
-I'm not sure we're really lost.
-Oh no! Café au lait witch! Ahh!
-It's my fault we're here,
freezing and chased.
-It reminds me of an existing movie.
-“Blair Witch Project.”
-I have one big objection:
Cafe au lait is not a dairy product.
-Oh no...
-It's my big objection.
-There's some mozzarella, grated cheese in it...
-It is still called "Café au lait Witch".
-It will work abroad.
-We've saved the... we've saved ONE film
for last, demon director Claes Malmberg's.
"PSY-COW"
That's not the first time
you played a mad cow.
-No, the role in itself didn't give me a hard time.
I guess you could call it an attempt, at least.
-What kind of horns was that?
-Horns?! They were two bananas.
-A bicycle helmet with
two bananas stuck onto it.
-I will add it to the prize pool.
Nice stuff.
-Please do.
-The table is starting to look really good.
-What did you like about the trailer?
-I liked it.
-It’s not lacking in originality. Never seen a
bleu cheese being attacked by a man in a cow suit!
-All in all, impressive to finish this in one hour.
Hitchcock took a week to do the "Psycho" scene.
-With roughly the same result.
-Yes.
If you are going to score grades 1-5,
what is your assessment then?
-Kalle: 5th place. It lacks dairy
products. I follow the rule book.
-In 4th place: Kodjo.
-What?! Didn’t you watch Claes’ movie?
- For once not.
The hands were too distracting.
-In 3rd place: Claes.
-It's a step in the right direction.
-Thanks, Göran. I am pleased with that.
-In 2nd place: Pia.
-Thanks!
For the "Rosemary's Baby" contribution.
And Bianca: 1st place!
-Your trailer with Kodjo's title
would have been perfect.
-Thank you for coming here,
Göran Everdahl!
-This must have done
something to the standings.
-With these points added, we do in fact
have a front runner: Bianca, at 23 points.
-Then Kodjo with 21 points,
Kalle 19, Pia at 18...
...and here he comes!
10 points: Claes.
-Double digits!
-Let's move on.
-Time to play “Beard.”
-Claes, can you read this
while our attendees come in?
-I can try,
but I have no glasses.
-You do it!
-"You see 15 bearded men.
Memorize their names."
-"Then each of you will name
3 randomly selected men."
-"You have 15 seconds, and each
correct name is worth 2 points."
-"You can get 0-6 points."
-What's the task?
-The men will introduce themselves.
You need to remember what all 15 are called.
-I ask 3 to step forward. You name them.
If you succeed, you get 6 points.
-Ready?
-Yes!
Number 1: Jonas.
Number 2: Dragan.
-Number 3: Lars-Åke.
-Hi, Lars-Åke.
Number 4: John.
Number 5: Cristian.
Number 6: Jack.
Number 7: Robin.
Number 8: Andreas.
Number 9: Tomi.
-Number 10: Abdallah.
-I'm completely out of my mind!
Number 11: Joel.
Number 12: Jimmy.
Number 13: Fredrik.
Number 14: Marcus.
-And number 15: Carl-Johan.
-Holy shit. It’s not possible.
-I don’t remember anyone.
-Shut the fuck up, and start asking me their names!
-We start with Bianca. May I ask
numbers 5, 10 and 15 to step forward?
-What the fuck...?
-What are these 3 called? Number 5 first.
-Shit, they're not standing next to each other!
-I only remember...
-Come on, this is just too easy!
-I can name them all!
-Now, I need an answer.
-Marcus...
-...Johan and Carl-Johan!
-Any correct answers?
-There will be points.
-You can go back.
-Now it's Kodjo's turn.
-I'm asking 4, 9 and 14 to come forward.
-Kodjo, what's their names?
-Cristian, Tomi ...and Jesus.
-Christian, Tomi and Jesus.
-Was that right?
-Back to your places.
It's time for Kalle.
-Can numbers 3, 8 and 13 please step forward?
-No!
-I thought, "I don’t remember the 8th."
I can’t do any of these.
-What are their names?
-These ones I actually know.
-I also, actually.
-How can everyone know them?!
Jonas, Lars-Åke and...
-...Ronaldo.
-Jonas, Lars-Åke, Ronaldo?
-Was it right?
-No, but there was Lars-Åke.
-Then you can go back.
-0 points for Kalle.
-Then it's Pia's turn to memorize beards.
-2, 7 and 12 to the mark.
-Those were mine! Shit...
You said I should take three.
-These are the three I took.
-Fucking bad luck.
-Pia, what are these people called?
Left to right.
-Something beginning with A ...
Ali, Robin and Sten-Åke.
-Was that right? Go back.
-One point.
-Can I point out something?
I've been waiting for a really long time.
-I have forgotten what they are called.
-Well, you stood closest and had the best view.
-Yes, I saw them first, that's true.
-Then it's Claes’ turn.
-Numbers 1, 6 and 11.
-What are these three people called?
The first one was first, you should remember him.
-Because he was first.
-No logic behind that, but I'm saying Marcus.
-Then I say... I think it's really embarrassing
not to be able to remember their names.
-That's how well-mannered I am,
so I want to apologize.
-The 11th is Joel.
-That's it! - Was that right?
-Points to Claes as well.
-Then all of you have had your turn.
-Yes, that's how you play “Beard".
-I thank our bearded men.
May your gearboxes never run out of oil.
-This what a somewhat shaggy final round.
Now I think we have a result.
-If we look from the bottom up...
There we have Claes.
-Then we have Kalle on 19 points,
Pia 20, Kodjo 23 ...
...but Bianca wins with 25 points!
Come here, Bianca.
-Treat yourself.
-What have we learned today?
Well, if you don't have horns, bananas will do...
and palpate is just a posh word for groping.
-Bianca had trouble with the bubbles, but
bubbled her way to the top to take home the victory.
-Thank you for watching
and come back. Goodbye!
Adapted from original
English subtitles by moskillius