Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Lake House - full transcript
The squad takes Capt. Holt up on an offer for a weekend getaway.
Hey, everybody. I got your
text. What's the big emergency?
We need to talk about
Captain Holt's love life.
(SIGHING IN EXASPERATION)
Come on.
You miss getting dragged into your
co-workers' personal lives. Admit it.
It's true. I have.
What's goin' on?
Captain Holt is in pain and we need to
help him get back together with Kevin.
SANTIAGO:
No, we don't.
Holt is a very private person,
we shouldn't get involved.
Okay, you guys probably
don't know this,
but my parents got divorced when I
was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Yeah, we know.
Oh, my God.
What, do I talk
about it a lot?
I doesn't matter. The point is we can't let
that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
So, we're just dispensing with subtext now?
PERALTA: Yes.
This replaces my family,
was that not clear?
Holt is my dad, you're my mean
older sister and Amy's my mom.
What?
What? What did I say?
You said, "Amy is my mom."
Nobody said anything. We
don't have time for this, Amy.
Now, who's gonna help me
Parent Trap Holt and Kevin?
Seriously? Nobody's on
board with my scheme?
It's because I called it a scheme?
I can say something different.
Nobody's on board
with my stratagem?
No, Jakey.
Look. Holt just needs us
to be there for him,
help him take his mind
off of Kevin.
He's always invitin' us to his
lake house to go birdwatchin',
but we never do it because it's,
you know, birdwatchin'.
But we could finally go.
He would love that.
Wow, stabbed in the back
by my own mom.
What?
Wife! I said wife!
Why do you keep
not hearing me?
Whatever, let's just do
Terry's plan.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, I thought it over
and I gotta hand it
to you guys.
This trip is actually
a really great idea.
JEFFORDS:
This is surprising.
You're usually
a lot more petulant
when we don't go along
with your schemes.
Stratagems, and I've grown up
a lot, Terry.
Uh...
You do know there's no phone
reception at the lake house.
No. (GRUNTS)
How am I gonna catch Pokémon?
Doesn't matter.
It's Community
Event weekend, so.
Hey.
Hey.
How long is the drive
up there?
I wanna time my edibles so it
kicks in right when we arrive.
What?
Nothing.
It's cool. I'm not gonna
tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
All right, you can
tell people.
Good because I'm a narc.
I'm not a cop anymore.
And I have a prescription
for anxiety, so it's legal.
It'll be good
when all the drama starts.
Why do you think there's gonna
be drama? Oh, no, you're right.
Whenever we go on
one of these group trips,
everything's totally normal,
there's never any big conflict.
Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one
of these right now for no reason.
I'm not lookin'.
Welcome to the lake house.
Where's the lake?
I didn't see on the way in.
That's because
there's no lake up here.
But you said
it was a lake house.
No, we call it
the Lake House.
It was once owned
by Kirsopp Lake.
The scholar
of textual criticism
who wrote Dated Greek
Manuscripts to the year 1200.
Yeah, Terry, it's obviously
named after Kirsopp Lake.
No one else was confused
about that.
Hey, I'm gonna take Mac in and
then I'll come back for the stuff.
Okay. Let's see.
Yeah.
Pack 'n Play...
Baby monitor,
white noise machine, sleep sack...
Whoa, that's a lot of gear.
Yeah, it's our first time
away from home with him
and he's such
a terrible sleeper.
Well, at least you're doin' the
smart thing and asking for my help.
That is not what's happening.
Oh, I'm an expert, Amy.
I basically, raised
ten nieces and nephews.
I've done it all. Bottled,
swaddled and coddled.
Let's just say you're definitely
gonna want my nip tips.
Tips that nip a problem
in the bud.
Why don't you just say tips?
Just the tips.
Interesting.
Oh, come on, man.
Oh, hey, Captain Holt?
You have the WiFi network? I
need to FaceTime with Hitchcock.
Oh, there's no internet
at the Lake House.
Then I'm alone.
We're all here.
So, you'll do
the 64-round tournament
Hitchcock and I designed to determine
the best flavor of potato chip?
HOLT:
No, that's sounds like hell.
Now, let me give you
all a tour.
This is the sitting room.
We considered referring to it
as a living room,
but decided against it.
Fascinating.
This is the TV room.
Or it was
until we got rid of the TV.
Now it is also
a sitting room.
Two sitting rooms?
Now, this... This is
why we bought the place.
The master sitting room.
Wow, look at all
this seating.
Jake, can I talk
to you for a second?
What's goin' on?
There is no way you are this
enthusiastic about too many sitting rooms
and lake houses
that aren't lake houses.
I'm just tryin' to be there
for Captain Holt.
I understand that the weekend
is not about me.
No. You're up to somethin'.
I'm up to nothing, Terrence,
and frankly, I resent the implication.
Okay, I'm up to something,
Terrence.
KEVIN: Hello?
I messed with Holt and Kevin's
shared calendar.
You know me so well.
PERALTA: Oh,
Kevin. What a surprise!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Why are you all in my house?
KEVIN:
Raymond?
Kevin?
What are you doin' here?
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Ha! My edibles just kicked in.
(LAUGHING)
What did Kevin say?
Is everything okay?
No. We just had
a knock-down, drag-out fight.
My calendar had
the Lake House as free.
Strange. Mine had it
as "unoccupied."
Well, it seems
we're at an impasse.
I'd call it
more of a deadlock.
He gets in such
good zingers.
He's tired from driving, so he's staying
the night and goin' back in the morning.
Well, that could be good. Maybe
you guys can spend time together.
We've agreed
to keep our distance
and issue a verbal warning any time
one of us is about to enter the room.
Raymond Holt
entering the kitchen.
Jake, this is bad.
HOLT: Raymond Holt
entering the second sitting room.
Just give it a shot.
They're already separated.
It can't get any worse.
It's a really good point.
Thank you, Rosa.
She's high as hell.
Also, really good point.
Damn it, Rosa.
Charles, what about you?
You're my best friend. You
support me in everything I do.
Maybe the fact
that I'm not on board
is a sign that
it's really a bad idea.
No. You've changed somehow.
That's the only explanation.
Guys, come on, I've got a
great plan here. No one wants in?
Absolutely not.
Tell me the plan. I want in.
What? You do?
Yeah.
Terry loves love.
Then why didn't you
back me up in there?
Because Terry
also loves hedging.
Terry loves hedging?
That's new.
No, it's classic Terry.
I always play both sides
to the last possible minute.
Everyone knows that.
That's not fair.
Everyone's so hard on me. I want a
public show of support for my plan.
Can't do it. I don't know what's so
tough for you to understand here.
I love the scheme,
I wanna be a part of it.
I think it's gonna fail and I don't
want people to think I was a part of it.
Fine. I'll take what
I can get. Yes!
Damn it. These blackout curtains
don't keep the light out. (GRUNTS)
You screwed me on this,
Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!
You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping
might not be the light in the room,
it might be the darkness
in your heart.
Excuse me?
Sorry, that was mean.
I was trying to be poetic.
It's important to be mindful of your
energy when you're with an infant.
Trust me,
I'm sort of a natural mother.
Huh, yeah,
natural mother (BEEP).
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(MAC CRYING)
How long have you been there?
Oh, man, I have no idea.
(MAC CRYING)
Hey, were you followed?
No.
I promise, they have no idea
I'm workin' with you.
Terry, have you seen Jake?
Uh, no.
Uh, idiot's probably off workin'
his dumb plan. He's so stupid.
You know, the only reason
Holt and I haven't fired him
is that we're worried
that he'll kill himself.
It seems a little excessive.
I told you.
I don't wanna be tied
to this plan.
I'm out on a ledge for you
and Terry hates ledges.
Wait. So, you love hedges,
but hate ledges?
You're just makin' this
up as you go. No, I'm not.
Name one time you've ever
seen me happy out on the ledge.
I can't think
of an example on the spot.
Because Terry hates ledges.
Come on, tell me the plan.
Fine. Step one was getting
them here together.
Step two,
reignite the passion.
PERALTA:
You'll handle Captain Holt.
Sir, you have somethin'
on your pants.
Hm, I've sat on some sap.
Like a sap.
At least you have a sense
of humor about it.
Not intentionally,
I was upset
and stumbled
into accidental word play.
PERALTA: Meanwhile,
I will take care of Kevin.
Kevin Cozner
entering the kitchen.
Oh, hey, there, Kev.
I was just grabbin' a bite to eat,
can I offer you somethin'?
Well, I shouldn't. But today's
been a fiasco, so, what the hell.
I'll have a snack
of some water.
PERALTA: What Kevin won't know is that
he will drinking from a dribble cup.
Oh, dear.
And you said I was crazy to
buy stock in Spencer's Gifts.
How does you buyin'
one novelty cup
help the company's
stock price?
It boosts confidence
in the marketplace.
You just don't know anything
about business, Terry.
Okay, so
we've ruined their outfits.
So, why would that
"reignite" the passion?
Because it'll force them
to change
into clothes which I will have carefully
placed at the top of their suitcases.
Thus changing them both...
Into a couple of thirst traps.
Kevin Cozner preparing to
descend the master staircase...
Oh, I see you changed into
your (SIGHS) mock turtleneck.
And you into your...
exercise shorts.
I feel dirty.
You feel dirty?
I do and I love it.
Oh, hey, Amy,
startin' round three.
You wanna try New Mexico-style
chile verde?
Ah, my hands are kind of full
here, Scully.
I could toss it to ya.
(MAC FUSSING)
Scully, don't throw chips
at my baby!
(MAC FUSSING)
Gosh. (GRUNTS)
(MAC CRYING)
Shh-Shh.
(SIGHS) I can't believe
what I'm about to do.
Charles, I need your help.
I'm not gonna gloat. I'm just happy
he's getting the care he needs.
(MAC FUSSING)
Okay, you might wanna be a little less
cocky until you actually get him down.
Because, you know, some babies are just
fussy and there's nothing that anyone can...
Oh, my God. Is he asleep?
(WHISPERING)
So, can I be cocky now?
Step three,
a romantic picnic.
The perfect gillnet for
our trout to swim into. Huh?
Sorry, I've been watching
that survivalist show, Alone,
it's really helped
with my metaphors.
You think they'll agree
to have a picnic?
They won't even be
in the same room together.
It's not like we have
an unbaited gillnet, Terry.
What's your plan?
Forage for berries?
(CHUCKLES) You wouldn't last
two days in the Arctic, man.
What are we doin' now? We're
gettin' Kevin and Holt back together.
PERALTA:
Now, for Operation Corncrake.
Hey, Kevin,
I have a question.
Is the corncrake
an important bird?
Yes.
They're among the rarest species
in the Northeastern United States.
A veritable holy grail within
the birdwatching community.
BOTH:
Oh, wow.
I only asked because... I read that
one was spotted in the woods near here.
BOTH: Grab your
binoculars. We're goin' birding.
Yeah, we are.
We're pretty far North
for a corncrake.
Where did you hear
of this sighting?
Oh, on the birdwatching app that
Captain Holt recommended I download.
You know how
he is about birding.
I guess you guys
have that in common, huh?
Hardly, Raymond is an adequate
birdwatcher at best.
He once confused a pileated
woodpecker with a downy woodpecker.
Yeah, pily wooddecker
and a pileated jacker.
(BIRD CALLING)
HOLT: Huh.
It's nowhere.
Maybe, you could flush out the
corncrake by doin' its matting call.
I don't know why a corncrake
would make such a call
three months after
its rooting season,
but I suppose
it can't hurt to try.
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
Hold on. That call.
That's the call a corncrake
makes when it wants to root.
I'll respond.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
This way.
Oh, and do you need
the shades?
No, you don't
'cause you're already asleep.
He forgot the sleep sack.
And Mac doesn't even care.
I can't watch this.
Oh. Oh, no. Oh.
I think I just locked Mac in his room,
what do I do?
Oh, sorry, man. I think the
second edible just kicked in.
This is a little
too much for me.
Also, this is not the vibe
I was lookin' for.
No, no.
Ro, Ro, I need your help.
No, no, no. Adiós amigo.
(GRUNTS)
(SHAKING DOOR HANDLE)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
Oh, you are not a corncrake.
But you heard the call.
Yes, it was... majestic.
Well, look what we caught in our
gillnet, a couple of fresh fatty trout.
That'll last us the next five days,
more if we get the egg sac.
Jake, the picnic.
(BEES BUZZING)
It attracted bees.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, God. They're everywhere.
Ah! Get away! Quick, everyone,
form a wall around me.
KEVIN: Peralta? I'm sorry,
Kevin, it's just I'm very allergic.
If I get stung,
I have a terrible reaction.
Kind of like this?
Ugh, oh my...
No, that's much worse.
I just get a scratchy throat.
Why didn't you cower
behind someone?
All right, we should be good.
I think the swarm is gone.
I think I was only stung once,
how do I look?
Good. Good.
Normal. Very normal.
Stop it. Kevin doesn't
like to be lied to.
You're disgusting to look at.
Thank you, Raymond.
KEVIN: I have an
EpiPen back at the house.
Would you call someone
and have them bring it?
There's no reception.
I'll just run back.
I haven't done cardio in 20
years. How hard can it be?
It's immediately awful!
Here. While we wait,
you can try putting
this chilled bottle of champagne
against your eyes. It might help.
Peralta, why is there
a romantic picnic
sitting in this
remote clearing?
You set this whole thing up,
didn't you? Nuh-uh.
You've manipulated us into
spending time together. Nuh-uh.
Is that your entire defense,
nuh-uh? Uh-huh.
Okay, fine. All right, yes,
but only because I care about you.
And, by the way,
you should really make
your shared calendar
less easy to access.
You got into our calendar?
Yeah, you already knew that.
You said I set the whole thing up.
I was talkin' about the picnic,
what were you talkin' about?
Nuh-uh.
You tricked us into coming to
the Lake House at the same time.
You did
a Das doppelte Lottchen.
What? I don't know
what that is.
Das doppelte Lottchen!
I'm only half.
It's a German novel
about a set of twins
who tried to reunite
the estranged parents.
That's The Parent Trap.
I knew my stratagem
had classy origins.
Peralta,
this is my personal life.
You've crossed a line.
I'm leaving. So am I.
Ah, no, wait, Kevin!
(THUD)
(CLATTERING)
Are here tools in here?
You see a saw anywhere?
I told you to stay away,
Charles. I'm not into your energy.
Amy! Hi!
Hi, Amy.
Hi.
Look, I just wanted to say
thank you for getting Mac to sleep.
I was being really stubborn,
earlier, and I guess... No.
What I'm tryin' to say is...
Can I please have
your nip tips?
You don't want my nip tips.
Those crusty old things.
Oh, God!
I can't be here for this!
Oh, my mouth is so dry.
It's all bad. What's all bad?
I can't tell you, Amy.
What can't you tell me?
It's too real.
I need to leave.
Damn it. I was lookin'
for somewhere to be alone.
I'm sorry. I came out here lookin' for
a signal to call Hitchcock, but no luck.
I can take my chips and go.
Wait, you have chips?
You could stay.
Oh.
So, we got off to a bad
start there with the bees
and Kevin
rollin' down the hill,
and then, of course, the second swarm
of bees. But we're good now, right?
Can you guys hear me?
You keep movin' away
from me for some reason.
(GROANS) Wish a bee would
sting me in both ears, right now
so they'd seal shut as well.
What was that?
I couldn't hear you!
I'll just assume
you said keep going.
Anyways, yeah. I just figured
if I could get you guys together.
I could create
a magical moment.
But of course, we now know
that magic doesn't exist. Sh.
It's a corncrake. (SIGHS) Oh,
I can't believe it.
I finally spot a corncrake
and my eyes are swollen shut.
It's okay, Kevin.
I'll describe it to you.
Okay, have you ever
seen a duck?
Peralta, I got this.
Oh, okay.
The beak color is
Pantone 4685C. Hm.
The wing is Pantone 2322C.
Spotted with 4515C.
Oh.
The tail is Pantone 7525C
with bands of 419C.
(GRUNTS) Oh, my...
Oh, Kevin, the throat,
Pantone 7528C.
Oh, Raymond.
Those are some hot
Pantones.
Okay, barbeque.
Mm-hm.
Sweet Maui onion and the
surprising underdog original.
I think I'm ready
to crown a chip-ion.
Chip-ion. That's good.
Yeah, I came up with it
because I misspoke.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
SANTIAGO: (SIGHS)
Can I join you?
Mac's never been asleep this long
and I don't know what to do with myself.
Charles locked your
kid in the room. What?
You made me say it. If I didn't,
you would have stayed here
and ruined this good thing I got
goin' with Scully and his chips.
SANTIAGO: Wait, Mac
is locked in a room?
Oh, my God!
Charles!
Amy.
I was just doin' a little handy work,
you know, fixin' up the old house.
I know you locked my
son in there. I'm sorry.
I tried everything. Maybe he'll
be happy growin' up in that room.
Oh, shut up, Charles!
I'll get him out. Move.
I'm tellin' you it's
impossible. Not for his mother!
(SCREAMS)
(MAC CRYING)
Wow.
Sorry that took me so long.
I cramped up half way and
then crawled for a little while.
Maybe I should think
about slimming down.
No, it's actually good
you didn't make it back.
Oh, thank you for sayin' that.
Look, I can't change my body,
it defines me.
No, no. We really saw
an corncrake.
Holt had to describe it
to Kevin,
now he's leading him by the hand out
of the woods. The Parent Trap worked.
I can't wait
to tell the squad.
Uh, wait, wait, wait. Let me give Kevin
the EpiPen and we can tell them together.
Okay. Whoa, whoa,
pump the breaks there, Sonic.
What?
Sonic the Hedgehog.
You've been hogging that hedge
while I was out on a ledge.
No, you didn't have to deal with
anyone saying it was a bad idea,
so you don't get
the credit either.
This was 100 percent
all me, Dr. Robotnik.
Who?
Sonic's archnemesis.
You've never played
a video game
or watched a movie, Terry?
Get a life, dude.
They were being so sweet
with each other
and holding hands,
it was amazing.
They're totally back in love.
Peralta, I need to ask you
somethin'. Let me guess.
Will I be the best man at a
last-minute vow-renewal ceremony
that will serve as an emotional
capper to this magical weekend?
No. I need you
to move the car.
Kevin has decided
to leave immediately.
KEVIN: Kevin Cozner
leaving the lake house.
This was 100 percent all Jake.
Oh, Terry.
Amy, will you please pass
the mini crab cakes?
Are you sure
you can be trusted
with something
so small and delicate?
I can tell you're upset,
but you should know
that I was locked in a room for 16 days
as a child, and I turned out just fine.
No, you didn't.
You're a freak.
Oh, okay, I'm stayin'
out of this one.
Shocking. I didn't realize you were
capable of staying out of anything.
SCULLY:
We have an announcement!
We're here to crown the winner of
this year's great tournament of chips.
Rosa?
The chip-ion is...
Smokey bacon chicken.
She's so high.
Yeah.
Sounds pretty good, though.
You guys are duds.
Scully and I are gonna bounce.
Oh, sir, that's a dribble cup.
You're dripping on yourself.
Am I?
Okay. Look, I'm really sorry.
No need to apologize.
Your Das doppelte Lottchen
scheme worked.
You manufactured a perfect
romantic moment,
and I allowed myself to imagine,
as Kevin held my hand,
that he still felt
something for me.
When we came back,
I walked him to his room,
and just as I was working up
the courage to ask him to stay,
he said, "We shouldn't
spend any more time together."
Well, at least now I know
that my marriage is over.
So, uh, thank you, Peralta.
Raymond Holt
leaving the living room.
Hey, crazy,
what a good mood Mac is in.
You mean, given the fact that he
was locked in a prison by Charles?
How long did he sleep?
You mean before he was rescued from
the prison he was locked in by Charles?
I guess.
Three hours.
Whoa. What did Charles do?
You mean, besides... (BOTH)
...locking him in a prison.
Got it. I'll stop asking.
Well, whatever he did,
I'm lovin' his mood. Whatever.
I still can't believe
my scheme didn't work.
And we saw a corncrake
and everything.
I know. What are the odds?
Right?
I have to say, I don't see
what the big deal is all about.
And this is what
they actually look like.
Oh, that's not
an attractive bird.
(CHUCKLES)
I know. It's like a dumb duck.
And this is what
its call sounds like.
(CORNCRAKE SOUND)
Oh, that's horrible.
SANTIAGO:
It sounds like a taser.
No, it's wonderful.
I have to go.
Sir?
What are you doing here,
Peralta?
I wanna prove to you
that you're wrong to think
that Kevin doesn't have
feelings for you anymore.
Okay, what's he doing here?
Ow, uh...
I wanna prove to him that he
was wrong for hedging all day,
but that's our own separate thing,
so you can ignore it.
Sir, listen.
I think Kevin wanted to stay.
The only reason he left is
'cause he didn't know how you felt.
Why would you think that?
He's made no effort whatsoever.
Or has he? Did you know that
Kevin is better at bird calls than you?
Oh, strange or hurtful
non sequitur.
Who made the first
corncrake call?
I believe I did.
Correct.
Kevin and I heard you
and he responded,
but get this, sir,
you made the wrong call.
This is what a rooting
corncrake sounds like.
(CORNCRAKE SOUND)
The call that you made was
for a scarlet warbler, a trash bird.
Okay, so, you made your point.
I'm a trash man
who only knows trash birds.
No, that is not my point.
My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a
corncrake, but he went to it anyway.
Because he was goin'
to you, not the bird.
He still loves you.
Our plan worked.
Our plan?
JEFFORDS: Yeah.
Terry is off the hedge
and on the ledge.
Oh, that means a lot,
comin' from you, Jeffords.
Given how much
you hate ledges.
People don't know about
Terry hating ledges. This is new!
BOYLE:
Hey, Amy.
I, uh, I wanted
to give you this.
I made Mac
a truffle-squash purée.
I'm not tryin' to show you how to do
anything, I'm just tryin' to apologize.
It's okay, Charles.
I actually learned
something from you yesterday.
Mac has trouble sleeping
because I bother him too much.
When he was locked
in that room,
no one could check
on him and...
it was the longest nap
he's ever taken.
So, thank you for the mousse.
I can't believe you actually
took it. Of course, I took it.
You locked my baby
in a room, Charles!
You're gonna be cookin' for
him until he goes to college, okay?
Okay.
Great, thanks.
How's it goin', sir?
You look chipper.
Yes, well, I called Kevin and
told him I still have feelings for him,
and he said he felt the same.
So, we begin
couples counselling next week.
That's great, sir.
I'm so glad.
Looks like Captain Holt
caught a fatty trout
in his gillnet.
You watched Alone.
Every single episode.
Terry has not slept.
Hey, Rosa. You wanna take
a couple of days off,
drive to Buffalo
see the warehouse
were sweet Maui onion chips
are imported to?
Unless you don't wanna
hang out
'cause you're not stoned
anymore.
Actually,
Buffalo sounds kinda cool. Seriously?
That's just not
the weed talkin'?
Oh, no, I'm not high
at all anymore.
Oh, no, I was so high.
Good news.
While you were asleep,
we finally got cell reception.
What's up, cucks?
So, how'd everybody lose
their V card? I'll go first.
Amy was right. Drugs are bad.
text. What's the big emergency?
We need to talk about
Captain Holt's love life.
(SIGHING IN EXASPERATION)
Come on.
You miss getting dragged into your
co-workers' personal lives. Admit it.
It's true. I have.
What's goin' on?
Captain Holt is in pain and we need to
help him get back together with Kevin.
SANTIAGO:
No, we don't.
Holt is a very private person,
we shouldn't get involved.
Okay, you guys probably
don't know this,
but my parents got divorced when I
was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Yeah, we know.
Oh, my God.
What, do I talk
about it a lot?
I doesn't matter. The point is we can't let
that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
So, we're just dispensing with subtext now?
PERALTA: Yes.
This replaces my family,
was that not clear?
Holt is my dad, you're my mean
older sister and Amy's my mom.
What?
What? What did I say?
You said, "Amy is my mom."
Nobody said anything. We
don't have time for this, Amy.
Now, who's gonna help me
Parent Trap Holt and Kevin?
Seriously? Nobody's on
board with my scheme?
It's because I called it a scheme?
I can say something different.
Nobody's on board
with my stratagem?
No, Jakey.
Look. Holt just needs us
to be there for him,
help him take his mind
off of Kevin.
He's always invitin' us to his
lake house to go birdwatchin',
but we never do it because it's,
you know, birdwatchin'.
But we could finally go.
He would love that.
Wow, stabbed in the back
by my own mom.
What?
Wife! I said wife!
Why do you keep
not hearing me?
Whatever, let's just do
Terry's plan.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, I thought it over
and I gotta hand it
to you guys.
This trip is actually
a really great idea.
JEFFORDS:
This is surprising.
You're usually
a lot more petulant
when we don't go along
with your schemes.
Stratagems, and I've grown up
a lot, Terry.
Uh...
You do know there's no phone
reception at the lake house.
No. (GRUNTS)
How am I gonna catch Pokémon?
Doesn't matter.
It's Community
Event weekend, so.
Hey.
Hey.
How long is the drive
up there?
I wanna time my edibles so it
kicks in right when we arrive.
What?
Nothing.
It's cool. I'm not gonna
tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
All right, you can
tell people.
Good because I'm a narc.
I'm not a cop anymore.
And I have a prescription
for anxiety, so it's legal.
It'll be good
when all the drama starts.
Why do you think there's gonna
be drama? Oh, no, you're right.
Whenever we go on
one of these group trips,
everything's totally normal,
there's never any big conflict.
Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one
of these right now for no reason.
I'm not lookin'.
Welcome to the lake house.
Where's the lake?
I didn't see on the way in.
That's because
there's no lake up here.
But you said
it was a lake house.
No, we call it
the Lake House.
It was once owned
by Kirsopp Lake.
The scholar
of textual criticism
who wrote Dated Greek
Manuscripts to the year 1200.
Yeah, Terry, it's obviously
named after Kirsopp Lake.
No one else was confused
about that.
Hey, I'm gonna take Mac in and
then I'll come back for the stuff.
Okay. Let's see.
Yeah.
Pack 'n Play...
Baby monitor,
white noise machine, sleep sack...
Whoa, that's a lot of gear.
Yeah, it's our first time
away from home with him
and he's such
a terrible sleeper.
Well, at least you're doin' the
smart thing and asking for my help.
That is not what's happening.
Oh, I'm an expert, Amy.
I basically, raised
ten nieces and nephews.
I've done it all. Bottled,
swaddled and coddled.
Let's just say you're definitely
gonna want my nip tips.
Tips that nip a problem
in the bud.
Why don't you just say tips?
Just the tips.
Interesting.
Oh, come on, man.
Oh, hey, Captain Holt?
You have the WiFi network? I
need to FaceTime with Hitchcock.
Oh, there's no internet
at the Lake House.
Then I'm alone.
We're all here.
So, you'll do
the 64-round tournament
Hitchcock and I designed to determine
the best flavor of potato chip?
HOLT:
No, that's sounds like hell.
Now, let me give you
all a tour.
This is the sitting room.
We considered referring to it
as a living room,
but decided against it.
Fascinating.
This is the TV room.
Or it was
until we got rid of the TV.
Now it is also
a sitting room.
Two sitting rooms?
Now, this... This is
why we bought the place.
The master sitting room.
Wow, look at all
this seating.
Jake, can I talk
to you for a second?
What's goin' on?
There is no way you are this
enthusiastic about too many sitting rooms
and lake houses
that aren't lake houses.
I'm just tryin' to be there
for Captain Holt.
I understand that the weekend
is not about me.
No. You're up to somethin'.
I'm up to nothing, Terrence,
and frankly, I resent the implication.
Okay, I'm up to something,
Terrence.
KEVIN: Hello?
I messed with Holt and Kevin's
shared calendar.
You know me so well.
PERALTA: Oh,
Kevin. What a surprise!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Why are you all in my house?
KEVIN:
Raymond?
Kevin?
What are you doin' here?
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Ha! My edibles just kicked in.
(LAUGHING)
What did Kevin say?
Is everything okay?
No. We just had
a knock-down, drag-out fight.
My calendar had
the Lake House as free.
Strange. Mine had it
as "unoccupied."
Well, it seems
we're at an impasse.
I'd call it
more of a deadlock.
He gets in such
good zingers.
He's tired from driving, so he's staying
the night and goin' back in the morning.
Well, that could be good. Maybe
you guys can spend time together.
We've agreed
to keep our distance
and issue a verbal warning any time
one of us is about to enter the room.
Raymond Holt
entering the kitchen.
Jake, this is bad.
HOLT: Raymond Holt
entering the second sitting room.
Just give it a shot.
They're already separated.
It can't get any worse.
It's a really good point.
Thank you, Rosa.
She's high as hell.
Also, really good point.
Damn it, Rosa.
Charles, what about you?
You're my best friend. You
support me in everything I do.
Maybe the fact
that I'm not on board
is a sign that
it's really a bad idea.
No. You've changed somehow.
That's the only explanation.
Guys, come on, I've got a
great plan here. No one wants in?
Absolutely not.
Tell me the plan. I want in.
What? You do?
Yeah.
Terry loves love.
Then why didn't you
back me up in there?
Because Terry
also loves hedging.
Terry loves hedging?
That's new.
No, it's classic Terry.
I always play both sides
to the last possible minute.
Everyone knows that.
That's not fair.
Everyone's so hard on me. I want a
public show of support for my plan.
Can't do it. I don't know what's so
tough for you to understand here.
I love the scheme,
I wanna be a part of it.
I think it's gonna fail and I don't
want people to think I was a part of it.
Fine. I'll take what
I can get. Yes!
Damn it. These blackout curtains
don't keep the light out. (GRUNTS)
You screwed me on this,
Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!
You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping
might not be the light in the room,
it might be the darkness
in your heart.
Excuse me?
Sorry, that was mean.
I was trying to be poetic.
It's important to be mindful of your
energy when you're with an infant.
Trust me,
I'm sort of a natural mother.
Huh, yeah,
natural mother (BEEP).
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(MAC CRYING)
How long have you been there?
Oh, man, I have no idea.
(MAC CRYING)
Hey, were you followed?
No.
I promise, they have no idea
I'm workin' with you.
Terry, have you seen Jake?
Uh, no.
Uh, idiot's probably off workin'
his dumb plan. He's so stupid.
You know, the only reason
Holt and I haven't fired him
is that we're worried
that he'll kill himself.
It seems a little excessive.
I told you.
I don't wanna be tied
to this plan.
I'm out on a ledge for you
and Terry hates ledges.
Wait. So, you love hedges,
but hate ledges?
You're just makin' this
up as you go. No, I'm not.
Name one time you've ever
seen me happy out on the ledge.
I can't think
of an example on the spot.
Because Terry hates ledges.
Come on, tell me the plan.
Fine. Step one was getting
them here together.
Step two,
reignite the passion.
PERALTA:
You'll handle Captain Holt.
Sir, you have somethin'
on your pants.
Hm, I've sat on some sap.
Like a sap.
At least you have a sense
of humor about it.
Not intentionally,
I was upset
and stumbled
into accidental word play.
PERALTA: Meanwhile,
I will take care of Kevin.
Kevin Cozner
entering the kitchen.
Oh, hey, there, Kev.
I was just grabbin' a bite to eat,
can I offer you somethin'?
Well, I shouldn't. But today's
been a fiasco, so, what the hell.
I'll have a snack
of some water.
PERALTA: What Kevin won't know is that
he will drinking from a dribble cup.
Oh, dear.
And you said I was crazy to
buy stock in Spencer's Gifts.
How does you buyin'
one novelty cup
help the company's
stock price?
It boosts confidence
in the marketplace.
You just don't know anything
about business, Terry.
Okay, so
we've ruined their outfits.
So, why would that
"reignite" the passion?
Because it'll force them
to change
into clothes which I will have carefully
placed at the top of their suitcases.
Thus changing them both...
Into a couple of thirst traps.
Kevin Cozner preparing to
descend the master staircase...
Oh, I see you changed into
your (SIGHS) mock turtleneck.
And you into your...
exercise shorts.
I feel dirty.
You feel dirty?
I do and I love it.
Oh, hey, Amy,
startin' round three.
You wanna try New Mexico-style
chile verde?
Ah, my hands are kind of full
here, Scully.
I could toss it to ya.
(MAC FUSSING)
Scully, don't throw chips
at my baby!
(MAC FUSSING)
Gosh. (GRUNTS)
(MAC CRYING)
Shh-Shh.
(SIGHS) I can't believe
what I'm about to do.
Charles, I need your help.
I'm not gonna gloat. I'm just happy
he's getting the care he needs.
(MAC FUSSING)
Okay, you might wanna be a little less
cocky until you actually get him down.
Because, you know, some babies are just
fussy and there's nothing that anyone can...
Oh, my God. Is he asleep?
(WHISPERING)
So, can I be cocky now?
Step three,
a romantic picnic.
The perfect gillnet for
our trout to swim into. Huh?
Sorry, I've been watching
that survivalist show, Alone,
it's really helped
with my metaphors.
You think they'll agree
to have a picnic?
They won't even be
in the same room together.
It's not like we have
an unbaited gillnet, Terry.
What's your plan?
Forage for berries?
(CHUCKLES) You wouldn't last
two days in the Arctic, man.
What are we doin' now? We're
gettin' Kevin and Holt back together.
PERALTA:
Now, for Operation Corncrake.
Hey, Kevin,
I have a question.
Is the corncrake
an important bird?
Yes.
They're among the rarest species
in the Northeastern United States.
A veritable holy grail within
the birdwatching community.
BOTH:
Oh, wow.
I only asked because... I read that
one was spotted in the woods near here.
BOTH: Grab your
binoculars. We're goin' birding.
Yeah, we are.
We're pretty far North
for a corncrake.
Where did you hear
of this sighting?
Oh, on the birdwatching app that
Captain Holt recommended I download.
You know how
he is about birding.
I guess you guys
have that in common, huh?
Hardly, Raymond is an adequate
birdwatcher at best.
He once confused a pileated
woodpecker with a downy woodpecker.
Yeah, pily wooddecker
and a pileated jacker.
(BIRD CALLING)
HOLT: Huh.
It's nowhere.
Maybe, you could flush out the
corncrake by doin' its matting call.
I don't know why a corncrake
would make such a call
three months after
its rooting season,
but I suppose
it can't hurt to try.
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
Hold on. That call.
That's the call a corncrake
makes when it wants to root.
I'll respond.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
This way.
Oh, and do you need
the shades?
No, you don't
'cause you're already asleep.
He forgot the sleep sack.
And Mac doesn't even care.
I can't watch this.
Oh. Oh, no. Oh.
I think I just locked Mac in his room,
what do I do?
Oh, sorry, man. I think the
second edible just kicked in.
This is a little
too much for me.
Also, this is not the vibe
I was lookin' for.
No, no.
Ro, Ro, I need your help.
No, no, no. Adiós amigo.
(GRUNTS)
(SHAKING DOOR HANDLE)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
(IMITATING MATING CALL)
Oh, you are not a corncrake.
But you heard the call.
Yes, it was... majestic.
Well, look what we caught in our
gillnet, a couple of fresh fatty trout.
That'll last us the next five days,
more if we get the egg sac.
Jake, the picnic.
(BEES BUZZING)
It attracted bees.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, God. They're everywhere.
Ah! Get away! Quick, everyone,
form a wall around me.
KEVIN: Peralta? I'm sorry,
Kevin, it's just I'm very allergic.
If I get stung,
I have a terrible reaction.
Kind of like this?
Ugh, oh my...
No, that's much worse.
I just get a scratchy throat.
Why didn't you cower
behind someone?
All right, we should be good.
I think the swarm is gone.
I think I was only stung once,
how do I look?
Good. Good.
Normal. Very normal.
Stop it. Kevin doesn't
like to be lied to.
You're disgusting to look at.
Thank you, Raymond.
KEVIN: I have an
EpiPen back at the house.
Would you call someone
and have them bring it?
There's no reception.
I'll just run back.
I haven't done cardio in 20
years. How hard can it be?
It's immediately awful!
Here. While we wait,
you can try putting
this chilled bottle of champagne
against your eyes. It might help.
Peralta, why is there
a romantic picnic
sitting in this
remote clearing?
You set this whole thing up,
didn't you? Nuh-uh.
You've manipulated us into
spending time together. Nuh-uh.
Is that your entire defense,
nuh-uh? Uh-huh.
Okay, fine. All right, yes,
but only because I care about you.
And, by the way,
you should really make
your shared calendar
less easy to access.
You got into our calendar?
Yeah, you already knew that.
You said I set the whole thing up.
I was talkin' about the picnic,
what were you talkin' about?
Nuh-uh.
You tricked us into coming to
the Lake House at the same time.
You did
a Das doppelte Lottchen.
What? I don't know
what that is.
Das doppelte Lottchen!
I'm only half.
It's a German novel
about a set of twins
who tried to reunite
the estranged parents.
That's The Parent Trap.
I knew my stratagem
had classy origins.
Peralta,
this is my personal life.
You've crossed a line.
I'm leaving. So am I.
Ah, no, wait, Kevin!
(THUD)
(CLATTERING)
Are here tools in here?
You see a saw anywhere?
I told you to stay away,
Charles. I'm not into your energy.
Amy! Hi!
Hi, Amy.
Hi.
Look, I just wanted to say
thank you for getting Mac to sleep.
I was being really stubborn,
earlier, and I guess... No.
What I'm tryin' to say is...
Can I please have
your nip tips?
You don't want my nip tips.
Those crusty old things.
Oh, God!
I can't be here for this!
Oh, my mouth is so dry.
It's all bad. What's all bad?
I can't tell you, Amy.
What can't you tell me?
It's too real.
I need to leave.
Damn it. I was lookin'
for somewhere to be alone.
I'm sorry. I came out here lookin' for
a signal to call Hitchcock, but no luck.
I can take my chips and go.
Wait, you have chips?
You could stay.
Oh.
So, we got off to a bad
start there with the bees
and Kevin
rollin' down the hill,
and then, of course, the second swarm
of bees. But we're good now, right?
Can you guys hear me?
You keep movin' away
from me for some reason.
(GROANS) Wish a bee would
sting me in both ears, right now
so they'd seal shut as well.
What was that?
I couldn't hear you!
I'll just assume
you said keep going.
Anyways, yeah. I just figured
if I could get you guys together.
I could create
a magical moment.
But of course, we now know
that magic doesn't exist. Sh.
It's a corncrake. (SIGHS) Oh,
I can't believe it.
I finally spot a corncrake
and my eyes are swollen shut.
It's okay, Kevin.
I'll describe it to you.
Okay, have you ever
seen a duck?
Peralta, I got this.
Oh, okay.
The beak color is
Pantone 4685C. Hm.
The wing is Pantone 2322C.
Spotted with 4515C.
Oh.
The tail is Pantone 7525C
with bands of 419C.
(GRUNTS) Oh, my...
Oh, Kevin, the throat,
Pantone 7528C.
Oh, Raymond.
Those are some hot
Pantones.
Okay, barbeque.
Mm-hm.
Sweet Maui onion and the
surprising underdog original.
I think I'm ready
to crown a chip-ion.
Chip-ion. That's good.
Yeah, I came up with it
because I misspoke.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
SANTIAGO: (SIGHS)
Can I join you?
Mac's never been asleep this long
and I don't know what to do with myself.
Charles locked your
kid in the room. What?
You made me say it. If I didn't,
you would have stayed here
and ruined this good thing I got
goin' with Scully and his chips.
SANTIAGO: Wait, Mac
is locked in a room?
Oh, my God!
Charles!
Amy.
I was just doin' a little handy work,
you know, fixin' up the old house.
I know you locked my
son in there. I'm sorry.
I tried everything. Maybe he'll
be happy growin' up in that room.
Oh, shut up, Charles!
I'll get him out. Move.
I'm tellin' you it's
impossible. Not for his mother!
(SCREAMS)
(MAC CRYING)
Wow.
Sorry that took me so long.
I cramped up half way and
then crawled for a little while.
Maybe I should think
about slimming down.
No, it's actually good
you didn't make it back.
Oh, thank you for sayin' that.
Look, I can't change my body,
it defines me.
No, no. We really saw
an corncrake.
Holt had to describe it
to Kevin,
now he's leading him by the hand out
of the woods. The Parent Trap worked.
I can't wait
to tell the squad.
Uh, wait, wait, wait. Let me give Kevin
the EpiPen and we can tell them together.
Okay. Whoa, whoa,
pump the breaks there, Sonic.
What?
Sonic the Hedgehog.
You've been hogging that hedge
while I was out on a ledge.
No, you didn't have to deal with
anyone saying it was a bad idea,
so you don't get
the credit either.
This was 100 percent
all me, Dr. Robotnik.
Who?
Sonic's archnemesis.
You've never played
a video game
or watched a movie, Terry?
Get a life, dude.
They were being so sweet
with each other
and holding hands,
it was amazing.
They're totally back in love.
Peralta, I need to ask you
somethin'. Let me guess.
Will I be the best man at a
last-minute vow-renewal ceremony
that will serve as an emotional
capper to this magical weekend?
No. I need you
to move the car.
Kevin has decided
to leave immediately.
KEVIN: Kevin Cozner
leaving the lake house.
This was 100 percent all Jake.
Oh, Terry.
Amy, will you please pass
the mini crab cakes?
Are you sure
you can be trusted
with something
so small and delicate?
I can tell you're upset,
but you should know
that I was locked in a room for 16 days
as a child, and I turned out just fine.
No, you didn't.
You're a freak.
Oh, okay, I'm stayin'
out of this one.
Shocking. I didn't realize you were
capable of staying out of anything.
SCULLY:
We have an announcement!
We're here to crown the winner of
this year's great tournament of chips.
Rosa?
The chip-ion is...
Smokey bacon chicken.
She's so high.
Yeah.
Sounds pretty good, though.
You guys are duds.
Scully and I are gonna bounce.
Oh, sir, that's a dribble cup.
You're dripping on yourself.
Am I?
Okay. Look, I'm really sorry.
No need to apologize.
Your Das doppelte Lottchen
scheme worked.
You manufactured a perfect
romantic moment,
and I allowed myself to imagine,
as Kevin held my hand,
that he still felt
something for me.
When we came back,
I walked him to his room,
and just as I was working up
the courage to ask him to stay,
he said, "We shouldn't
spend any more time together."
Well, at least now I know
that my marriage is over.
So, uh, thank you, Peralta.
Raymond Holt
leaving the living room.
Hey, crazy,
what a good mood Mac is in.
You mean, given the fact that he
was locked in a prison by Charles?
How long did he sleep?
You mean before he was rescued from
the prison he was locked in by Charles?
I guess.
Three hours.
Whoa. What did Charles do?
You mean, besides... (BOTH)
...locking him in a prison.
Got it. I'll stop asking.
Well, whatever he did,
I'm lovin' his mood. Whatever.
I still can't believe
my scheme didn't work.
And we saw a corncrake
and everything.
I know. What are the odds?
Right?
I have to say, I don't see
what the big deal is all about.
And this is what
they actually look like.
Oh, that's not
an attractive bird.
(CHUCKLES)
I know. It's like a dumb duck.
And this is what
its call sounds like.
(CORNCRAKE SOUND)
Oh, that's horrible.
SANTIAGO:
It sounds like a taser.
No, it's wonderful.
I have to go.
Sir?
What are you doing here,
Peralta?
I wanna prove to you
that you're wrong to think
that Kevin doesn't have
feelings for you anymore.
Okay, what's he doing here?
Ow, uh...
I wanna prove to him that he
was wrong for hedging all day,
but that's our own separate thing,
so you can ignore it.
Sir, listen.
I think Kevin wanted to stay.
The only reason he left is
'cause he didn't know how you felt.
Why would you think that?
He's made no effort whatsoever.
Or has he? Did you know that
Kevin is better at bird calls than you?
Oh, strange or hurtful
non sequitur.
Who made the first
corncrake call?
I believe I did.
Correct.
Kevin and I heard you
and he responded,
but get this, sir,
you made the wrong call.
This is what a rooting
corncrake sounds like.
(CORNCRAKE SOUND)
The call that you made was
for a scarlet warbler, a trash bird.
Okay, so, you made your point.
I'm a trash man
who only knows trash birds.
No, that is not my point.
My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a
corncrake, but he went to it anyway.
Because he was goin'
to you, not the bird.
He still loves you.
Our plan worked.
Our plan?
JEFFORDS: Yeah.
Terry is off the hedge
and on the ledge.
Oh, that means a lot,
comin' from you, Jeffords.
Given how much
you hate ledges.
People don't know about
Terry hating ledges. This is new!
BOYLE:
Hey, Amy.
I, uh, I wanted
to give you this.
I made Mac
a truffle-squash purée.
I'm not tryin' to show you how to do
anything, I'm just tryin' to apologize.
It's okay, Charles.
I actually learned
something from you yesterday.
Mac has trouble sleeping
because I bother him too much.
When he was locked
in that room,
no one could check
on him and...
it was the longest nap
he's ever taken.
So, thank you for the mousse.
I can't believe you actually
took it. Of course, I took it.
You locked my baby
in a room, Charles!
You're gonna be cookin' for
him until he goes to college, okay?
Okay.
Great, thanks.
How's it goin', sir?
You look chipper.
Yes, well, I called Kevin and
told him I still have feelings for him,
and he said he felt the same.
So, we begin
couples counselling next week.
That's great, sir.
I'm so glad.
Looks like Captain Holt
caught a fatty trout
in his gillnet.
You watched Alone.
Every single episode.
Terry has not slept.
Hey, Rosa. You wanna take
a couple of days off,
drive to Buffalo
see the warehouse
were sweet Maui onion chips
are imported to?
Unless you don't wanna
hang out
'cause you're not stoned
anymore.
Actually,
Buffalo sounds kinda cool. Seriously?
That's just not
the weed talkin'?
Oh, no, I'm not high
at all anymore.
Oh, no, I was so high.
Good news.
While you were asleep,
we finally got cell reception.
What's up, cucks?
So, how'd everybody lose
their V card? I'll go first.
Amy was right. Drugs are bad.