Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Episode #6.3 - full transcript
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Attention, squad.
Put your hands together
for the long-anticipated reunion of...
The DDC!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
Put a J with a G...
You get DD...
BOTH: C!
Uh, the gas face.
What the hell is the DDC?
I don't know, but I love it!
The DDC is the Dope...
- Denim...
- Crew.
Our 20-year high school reunion
is tonight, and the party
is '90s-themed,
so we're dressing the way
we did back then,
AKA hella fresh.
Can't wait to see everyone
we graduated with
and lie to them about
what I've been up to
for my own amusement.
It's gonna be Fib City,
population: Gina Clooney.
But Jake, how can you be excited
to return to your high school,
the scene of... Tattlegate?
What's Tattlegate? Why haven't
I heard anything about it?
It was junior year
and Jake was riding high...
Charles, no one wants
to hear this story...
from you.
It was junior year,
and Jake was riding high.
Sophomore year was rough,
but now I was back
with a hot new look:
an earring and long hair.
Which was my look,
and he just copied it.
And it worked! I was finally cool,
and becoming friends
with the most popular kid
in school: Brandon Bliss.
- Dope name; sounds hot.
- He was hot, Rosa.
For the record, he could barely read.
He didn't have to read, Gina.
He lost his virginity
when he was 12 years old.
Which is horrifying.
But it wasn't back then!
Back then, it was... everything.
He asked me to ditch class
one day with him
and his buddies, steal a school van,
and go get drunk at his parents' cabin,
but the day before
we were supposed to go,
someone ratted Brandon out,
and he got suspended!
He thought I was the one who told,
and from that day forward,
everyone called me "The Tattler."
Tattler. It's a sexy nickname.
It was not a sexy nickname!
It was a scarlet letter,
and it ruined my senior year,
but luckily, I'm over all that now.
Not me. I'm gonna go
to this reunion tonight
and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
Horrifying, but that won't
be necessary, Charles,
for my awesome life will do
the butthole-kicking this eve.
I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart,
incredible wife.
Tonight's gonna be awesome.
- Right, Gina?
- Damn straight!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
[upbeat music]
♪
[light dance music playing]
Wow, this place hasn't changed
one bit in 20 years.
It's a real indictment
of the public school system.
Jake! Tina!
No way! Mikey J!
Amy, this is Mike Joseph,
AKA the lead funk bassist
from my legendary ska band,
Skalvester Skallone. We had one song.
♪ Oh ♪
ALL: ♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪
♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪
- Whoa!
- Hey, man.
We were so bad. I can't believe
we thought we were gonna make it.
So what have you been up to, man?
Well, I'm still trying to
get the music thing started.
Oh, cool, cool, cool. Never give up.
Anyway, how are you, Gina?
What have you been up to?
Nothing crazy. Yeah, just writing
- those "Thor" movies.
- Seriously?
Oh, my God. Tell me everything.
Legally, I can't get into it too much,
but just know that the next one
will have a lot more full frontal.
Well, if you need some ska
for your soundtrack...
Oh!
This is them. This is Marvel.
They probably want to talk about "Thor
4: More Thor." I gotta take this.
- Okay?
- All right.
So how you doing, Jake?
I know the end of high school
was a little... rough.
Oh, uh...
Jake's killing it now. He's a detective.
Irie, mon! Irie, irie!
Very nice.
God, you must have some crazy stories.
Oh, I don't know. I mean,
is successfully negotiating
a high-tension hostage situation
in a bank crazy?
Yes!
Oh, well, then, I guess I do have
some crazy stories, mon!
[laughter]
Gosh, it's so cool how we
all still dress the same.
♪
[on radio] Is it so much to ask?
You know what I'm saying?
Why is everyone gathered
around the radio?
Ooh, are they testing the
emergency broadcasting system?
What? No.
We're listening to a contest.
This is 93.7,
The Jamhouse, with...
ALL: JC and the Horndog!
[woman moaning on radio]
[derisively] FM radio...
Yeah, the hosts are beyond disgusting,
but they do a fun game where
they play a mystery sound
and callers guess what it is
for a cash prize.
Shh, they're about to play
the new sound!
[crinkling]
It's a crinkle. I solved it.
Yes, but you have to know what object
is making the crinkle.
But that's impossible.
It could be anything.
Yes, sir. That's the game.
It's a bag of potato chips.
Don't be an idiot!
It's a bag of corn chips.
Well, this is a total waste of time.
Sure, but you can still have fun,
- even if you're wasting time.
- That's absurd.
Productivity is what makes things fun.
That's why humans go to work.
It is?
Hey. So you know
how Alicia and I broke up
because she moved to London,
then we tried to make it work,
but the distance was too much
and we broke up again?
No. The last thing you told me
about yourself was that you were bi.
Well, a lot has happened since then.
Anyway, I'm dating two other people.
So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.
Oh, gross. Charles, this is why
I don't tell you anything.
- I take it back.
- Okay.
Well, it's early stages,
but they both tagged me
in a bunch of photos online,
and they found out about each other.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, I know.
I shouldn't 'gram so much,
but my brunch friends say
it's the only way to promote
my handmade jewelry line.
Brunch? What?
- Homemade... who...
- Charles, focus.
Anyway, they're both annoyed,
and now I have to choose one of them,
and I cannot make up my mind.
It's insane. I never have trouble
making decisions.
Ugh. Choose the daughter.
I always know exactly what to do,
but for the first time
in my life, I am stumped.
Rosa, you've come to the right man.
Boyles are genetically
indecisive beings.
So I chose the worst
possible person to help me?
No. We've developed
a foolproof system to
help us make choices.
It used to take me so long
to decide what to wear
that I'd never change my clothes.
Now look what I have on.
Is this different than what
you were wearing yesterday?
Barely.
Wow, your life sounds amazing.
I'm really happy it worked out for you,
you know, especially with
the whole Tattler thing.
[forced laughter] What?
The Tattler? Wow.
I haven't heard that in a long time.
Who even was the Tattler?
You. That's why I'm bringing it up.
Oh, right, I remember now that I
was misidentified as the Tattler.
That's so funny.
But I wasn't the Tattler,
so I'm pretty sure you got this wrong.
No, no, no, I think I go... Hey, Eric.
Didn't people call Jake the Tattler?
Oh, yeah!
[laughs]
Oh, good, more people
are getting involved.
After my initial design,
they said it couldn't be done.
They said it was too tall, too flashy...
building codes, bureaucracy.
Cut to the Freedom Tower
as you see it today.
Wow.
Thank you. Yeah, I agree.
Look, nobody cares about that stuff.
We're all adults now.
You're a cop.
I work at a coffin factory.
I'm not sitting around,
thinking about how you tattled.
Yes, we all have jobs
and work on coffins.
I didn't tattle, but whatevs. We
don't have to keep talking about it.
ALL, SUCCESSIVELY: Great.
But you were the Tattler, right?
Brandon Bliss was my friend!
Why would I tattle on my friend?
The nickname was inaccurate,
is all I'm saying.
Anyways, as you can tell,
I am totally over it.
Ah, man, it's the Tattler.
I didn't tattle!
[general silence]
So...
I think I might not be over it.
Ugh, this is so unfair.
Everyone remembers me as the Tattler,
but somehow, no one remembers
that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson
crapped himself during PE.
Look at him out there,
dancing on the dance floor
like he's lived a doo doo-free life.
Jake, this isn't so bad.
History is full of great tattlers.
Martin Luther King tattled on racists.
That's a pretty undercutting way
of describing his accomplishments.
I was trying to help. It felt bad.
It's not even the nickname
that bothers me.
It's that I'm being wrongfully accused.
I didn't tattle.
I mean, if it was the truth,
go ahead and call me
the Tattler all day long.
- Hey, Tattler.
- Not cool, Jason!
Let's just go home.
No! We're not going anywhere.
You were wrongfully accused. We're cops.
Let's just find the real Tattler
and prove your innocence.
Yes! I love it!
Why learn to grow when
you can fix the past?
This is exactly why
I don't need therapy.
Not sure that's the lesson
I want you to take away from this.
Too late! We're gonna prove
I wasn't the Tattler.
Therapy is a scam. Let's do this.
[upbeat music]
No.
The sound was more of a "khh."
Ooh, how goes the crinkle hunt?
I see you're not just wasting time.
You're also wasting tin.
It was only one piece.
Okay, it was a ton of tin.
Pretty sure it's a guy
eating a sandwich.
I'll prove it to you.
I'm not buying you any
more sandwiches, Scully.
- I'm doing this for us!
- Guys, we can't fight.
That's what the Horndog wants.
We're getting close. We just need
to keep testing more things.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Have you tried a piece of paper?
Is that your crinkle?
Ooh, maybe... oh.
Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
All right, sir.
I think you've made your point.
My point? Oh, I'm just trying
to have fun by wasting time.
Oh, maybe it's this
crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
[low crinkling sound]
Terry heard a crinkle.
Holt heard a crinkle, too.
So suddenly, it's not a waste of time?
Not a waste of time if we win!
What are you waiting for, Jeffords?
Call the Horndog!
So then I said to Steve,
"What if we drop the '-lications,'
just call them 'apps'?"
That's incredible.
- Do you miss him?
- Oh, every day, Laura.
- Every day.
- You should talk to Quentin Chase.
He's a big-time
Silicon Valley investor now,
and he was just telling me all about it.
Quentin, come here.
You have got to talk to Gina.
She basically invented apps.
They were going
to be called "lications."
You really bungled that.
What you been working on?
Currently, I have been working
on an app called Toddler.
It's like Tinder, but for toddlers.
Tinder for toddlers.
I like it. How are you gonna spell that?
How many D's?
- Five.
- [sharply inhales]
All right, we should start
by talking to Brandon Bliss
and find out who told him
you were the Tattler.
Unfortunately, Bliss is not here.
Probably in the VIP section
at a Fatboy Slim concert.
Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?
The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames.
All right, I don't know
who told Brandon,
but I heard it was someone
on the football team.
Okay, well, we need
more information than that,
so take me back to the day.
Spare no details.
Okay, I saw Brandon
after second period,
and everything seemed tight.
- _
- ♪ Hey now, you're an all-star ♪
♪ Get your game on go play ♪
But then, when I saw him
after third period...
- _
- something had clearly changed.
♪ Get paid ♪
[slowing] ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
After that, there was
little color left in the world
for young Jake.
My earring, less gold,
my JNCO jeans less purple.
Are you sure you were becoming cool?
Yeah. Why?
I know how to solve this.
We just have to find out
which football player
had third period with Brandon Bliss.
We need his class schedule.
Yeah, but where are we gonna find that?
In the coolest room in the school.
[upbeat music]
Good lord!
You coulda just picked the lock.
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm just so amped up about Admin.
Okay, this is the Boyle
decision-making manual.
One of these sections will help you
with choosing your partner.
Here we go. What do you prefer,
eyes or butt, brains or body?
- Brains.
- Uh...
Sorry, no, that's for deciding lunch.
- Horrifying.
- Oh, I found the romance section.
Now, first, I will need the names
of the two people
you're choosing between.
I will not be telling you
any information about them.
No problem. We can work with that.
I will just call them by their initials.
- No.
- I will call them
- "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
- Whatever.
Okay, now, for this to work right,
you need to answer these
questions without thinking.
- Who makes you laugh more?
- Quinoa.
- Who has softer lips?
- Couscous.
A new Cirque du Soleil's in town.
You have the two best seats
in the house.
- Who are you bringing?
- Is this a reward or a punishment?
- You decide.
- Quinoa.
Great. Next question:
You die and become a ghost.
The rules of the afterlife
are that of the movie "Casper."
Whose house would you rather haunt?
How many more
of these questions are there?
- 309.
- [exasperated sigh]
- Okay, I've got something.
- Oh.
That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
I just want a quick peek
at your attendance record.
Zero absences.
Oh, mama...
Printing this for later.
Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
[printer whirring]
Okay, here's Brandon's info.
Third period, first semester...
Any of these people
on the football team?
Scott Alford, Taylor Black...
wow, Tom Brady?
Different Tom Brady. He was in theater.
Although he was the MVP of that
year's production of "Fiddler."
- Hm.
- Wait a minute.
Danny Matthews. That's the guy.
He was on the football team.
That's the bastard who set me up.
Yeah, and look at this.
You did so much community service.
Me like-y.
Guys, you know how I thought
it would be so much fun
to lie to everyone tonight?
Yeah. Did it finally catch up with you?
No, the opposite. Someone wants to buy
a company I made up on the spot.
The elevator pitch had him drooling.
As a mother, I'm always struggling
to find quality playdates.
Most two-year-olds
are boring, lame duds.
All of my daughter's friends suck.
Well, with Todddddler's
proprietary algorithm,
you will be matched with top tots,
and those boring duds...
they'll stay where they belong:
the hell away from you and your family.
I'm not really sure how to close this.
Maybe you guys could pretend to be heirs
to a canned-goods fortune
who want to buy my company!
Gina, we don't have time
for your thing right now.
Oh, smart. Big-time him.
That's the perfect idea.
I won't forget you when I'm rich.
Thanks so much, Jake and Jake's wife.
She knows your name. Oh, look!
It's Danny Matthews!
But he'll never talk
with all these people around.
Not a problem.
Just be in the science lab
in ten minutes. I'll get him alone.
What are you gonna do?
Let's just say I'm not above
using my feminine wiles.
[harshly] Danny Matthews,
I'm with the school.
You need to follow me right now.
- Is everything...
- I said now, mister.
I'm one caller away.
I can't believe we figured it out.
And I can't believe
it took you this long.
Yogurt is literally your one thing.
- Okay, okay.
- Well, I'm just saying.
If the sound were eating damp rice,
I would've gotten it immediately.
Guys, they're taking another guess.
All right, Brenda from Yonkers.
It's time for you to name that sound.
Hi. Quick shout-out
to the nurses at United Pediatric.
This money'll do those kids
a lot of good.
Cry me a river. Brenda from Yonkers.
We've all had budget cuts.
Just take your guess.
Is it Styrofoam?
- Wrong!
- [buzzer sounds]
Oh, I can't believe
she guessed Styrofoam.
What a dumb nurse.
Next caller, you're on with the Horndog.
It's me!
The sound is a yogurt
being opened.
- That is...
- [drumroll]
- Wrong!
- [buzzer sounds]
What? No!
You b-b-b-blew it!
Damn you, Horndog.
Okay, I have tabulated your responses,
and the results are definitive.
- Amazing.
- It's a dead tie.
This is dumb. I'm just gonna end it
- with both of them.
- Rosa, stop.
There is one more method.
Ancient Boyles believed
that suspending yourself
by your feet forces your blood
to the decision center of your brain.
We call this method
the "Upside-Down Coward."
You want me to hang
from the ceiling like a bat?
The bat is nature's
most decisive animal.
The creature
that flails around frantically?
Those are all micro-decisions.
Now, let's get you strapped up.
[jazz music]
How do you feel?
Nauseous.
Good. It's working.
- Q?
- Yeah.
Get off the phone.
Now, I'm not sure
how serious you were about funding,
but I should tell you
there's 103 other bidders.
Oof, I am not a fan
of getting into bidding wars.
Then don't make an offer,
'cause I want babies on my app,
but not in my boardroom.
Oh, damn, Gina.
Did you just "oh, damn" yourself?
Someone had to.
Okay.
Let's talk numbers.
Mr. Peralta, I believe
you know Danny Matthews.
Jake. Hey, what's going on, man?
The answer to that question
goes back to a brisk day in 1997,
a day you told a lie.
But the lying stops right now!
[gasps] Oh, no!
You broke some poor kid's
science project!
We have to fix it.
Kind of in the middle of something.
Oh, you know what?
Krebs cycle. I got this.
Great. So, Danny,
true or false?
You were on the football team.
- True?
- And true or false:
you had third period with Brandon Bliss.
Mm, I honestly don't remember...
It was true! We checked the records,
and I have one more question.
Ooh, Jake, can you get me
that oxygen on the floor?
- Little red guy.
- What?
Sorry. You know what? Yeah, I'll get it.
Why did you tell Brandon Bliss
that I was the Tattler?
Because you were.
I saw you talking to principal.
I remember it, clear as day.
Look, you couldn't have seen me,
because I wasn't there. I didn't tattle.
Man, it was you, okay?
You had your long hair
and your little earring,
and the denim jacket you are
literally wearing right now.
Oh, no.
It wasn't me,
but it was the DDC.
[laughter] Gina.
Jake, guess who just sold her app idea.
Don't trust her.
Everything she's told you is a lie.
She made up the company
and everything else.
She's a liar.
Jake, whatever strategy this is
is not necessary.
I already closed the deal.
I know you were the Tattler.
♪
Amy, I'm ready to go.
Yep, totally.
I'm almost done with this project,
but I don't need to finish it,
because what matters
is that you are going through something,
and as your wife,
and love of your life...
Are you vamping so you can finish that?
I only have two molecules left.
- Come on, man.
- Jake, we need to talk.
Yeah, you guys do need to talk.
That sounds excellent.
Friendship, so much history...
I'm just gonna get this out of your way.
Oh, man.
What the hell, Gina?
You ruined my entire senior year.
How could you do that to me?
Jake, I was only trying to help.
You were hanging out with those guys
and getting close,
and they weren't good people.
Do you know why Brandon
wasn't at the reunion tonight?
I don't know.
Probably 'cause he was shooting
a beer commercial where the whole plot
was that everyone wanted
to sleep with him.
No, 'cause he's on parole.
He's not allowed to leave
the state of Delaware.
Oh, okay, so that's obviously a bummer,
but I wasn't gonna end up like him.
You were starting to. You wanted
to steal a van with him,
and I told you not to, and
you weren't listening to me.
I mean, what would've happened
if you got caught?
I don't know.
You would never have become a cop.
Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop.
I'm your origin story, dude.
You can't be mad at me.
I feel like I'm still pretty mad.
Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.
Yeah, but they weren't
best friends before the bite,
and it still doesn't explain
how you let everyone think
I was the Tattler for 20 years.
Well, I didn't want
to lose our friendship.
I was being weak.
I'm sorry.
[sighs] Okay.
And if it makes you feel any better,
that app thing completely
blew up in my face.
I mean, my night sucked.
Okay, I can see from your expression
that your night was worse,
and I should've left it at "sorry."
So did you hear?
Someone guessed the sound.
It was a bag of chips.
Wow. So the lesson here
is to listen to Hitchcock
and Scully more?
- No, that can't be possible.
- Yeah, I don't think
- we earned that today.
- Agreed.
Sorry for dragging you
into that dumb game.
You were right. It was a waste of time.
No, it wasn't.
Even though it was pointless,
I did enjoy myself.
I can't wait to go home and tell Kevin
you can have fun
without being productive.
Hey, guys, they're about
to play the new mystery sound.
I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.
And I've got no one in my life.
Scully, play that damn noise.
Quentin, can I talk to you for a minute?
Are you here to give me a long speech
about how you still deserve my money?
No.
I am.
Very cool entrance.
Thank you. Listen.
Gina Linetti is not a perfect person.
Mm, I'm hoping this gets more supportive
as it goes along.
But what she lacks in perfection,
she makes up for
with an utter and total belief
that she is perfect.
Ooh, you said "but," and then you said
- something worse.
- She is fiercely loyal.
She will do the right thing for you
even when you can't see it for yourself,
and she's saved my ass countless times.
And it's been 12. I counted.
She came up with an idea on the spot
that you were interested in.
Imagine what she could do
with time and resources.
Do the world a favor.
Invest in Gina Linetti.
[light bass guitar music]
Hard pass.
- BOTH: What?
- But my great speech.
Yeah, the speech was great,
but I've also been lying
the whole night.
I'm not a tech mogul.
I came here to mess with people.
- How dare you?
- Speaking of which,
did either one of you drive?
'Cause I could use a ride.
- No, Quentin.
- Oh, Quentin.
[tranquil music]
Okay.
Now open your eyes,
and the person you are meant to be with
should appear before you.
[both scream]
Sorry. I was just watching.
Get out of here, Hitchcock!
- Ugh.
- This isn't working.
I'm no closer to making a decision.
I'm jumping down.
Well, you can't just jump down.
- My goodness!
- It's over.
I'm gonna put 'em both in a group text
- and say "peace out."
- Uh, no!
There's still more options.
We haven't even done roleplay yet.
- What?
- [cell phone chimes]
Ugh.
I took too long getting back to Quinoa
and they got mad and ended it.
And that's how it's done.
- What are you talking about?
- The process worked.
Boyles don't make decisions.
We delay our decisions
until the universe makes them for us.
That way, we never make a wrong choice.
That is very sad,
but also, I guess it worked.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do feel pretty good.
Couscous is dope. She's funny.
Couscous is a she! I knew it!
- Did you?
- No, and I still don't know.
There's equal chance you called
them "she" to throw me off.
You get me, Boyle.
So I think I figured out
an awesome and dramatic way
to reveal that I was the Tattler.
It'll be a dance. There'll be costumes.
Gina, it's fine. I don't care anymore.
- It's all in the past.
- Oh, thank God.
That is such a relief,
'cause I didn't want people
thinking I was a tattler.
[sighs] Where's Amy?
She is in the library, writing
a book report on "Jane Eyre,"
and she told me "not to wait up."
- Oy.
- Yeah.
[both laugh]
Thanks for trying to help with Quentin.
It's funny. Even though it wasn't real,
it was so fun, imagining
running my own company.
So why don't your pursue it?
I can't raise my kid and create an app
and work at the Nine-Nine.
It's too much.
Well, then prepare for me
to murder your parents
right in front of your face.
- Rude.
- No.
It's Batman's origin story,
like the radioactive
spider thing you did with me.
I don't read comic books.
You helped me become who I am,
so now I'm gonna return the favor.
[warm music]
Gina...
I think your talents might
be wasted at the Nine-Nine.
I love you, but it might
be time for you to move on.
Um, are you firing me?
What? No. I don't think
I could even do that.
Good, because I quit.
You know, tonight I realized
that my talents
are being wasted at the Nine-Nine.
Okay, that's kind of exactly
what I just said.
Jake, let me finish. This is serious.
It's time for me to move on.
For real, though, it is.
Really?
♪
- Okay.
- [laughs]
Proud of you.
Thank you.
I'm proud of me, too.
[laughs]
Guys!
Vice principal caught me in the library.
Let's roll!
Attention, squad.
Put your hands together
for the long-anticipated reunion of...
The DDC!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
Put a J with a G...
You get DD...
BOTH: C!
Uh, the gas face.
What the hell is the DDC?
I don't know, but I love it!
The DDC is the Dope...
- Denim...
- Crew.
Our 20-year high school reunion
is tonight, and the party
is '90s-themed,
so we're dressing the way
we did back then,
AKA hella fresh.
Can't wait to see everyone
we graduated with
and lie to them about
what I've been up to
for my own amusement.
It's gonna be Fib City,
population: Gina Clooney.
But Jake, how can you be excited
to return to your high school,
the scene of... Tattlegate?
What's Tattlegate? Why haven't
I heard anything about it?
It was junior year
and Jake was riding high...
Charles, no one wants
to hear this story...
from you.
It was junior year,
and Jake was riding high.
Sophomore year was rough,
but now I was back
with a hot new look:
an earring and long hair.
Which was my look,
and he just copied it.
And it worked! I was finally cool,
and becoming friends
with the most popular kid
in school: Brandon Bliss.
- Dope name; sounds hot.
- He was hot, Rosa.
For the record, he could barely read.
He didn't have to read, Gina.
He lost his virginity
when he was 12 years old.
Which is horrifying.
But it wasn't back then!
Back then, it was... everything.
He asked me to ditch class
one day with him
and his buddies, steal a school van,
and go get drunk at his parents' cabin,
but the day before
we were supposed to go,
someone ratted Brandon out,
and he got suspended!
He thought I was the one who told,
and from that day forward,
everyone called me "The Tattler."
Tattler. It's a sexy nickname.
It was not a sexy nickname!
It was a scarlet letter,
and it ruined my senior year,
but luckily, I'm over all that now.
Not me. I'm gonna go
to this reunion tonight
and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
Horrifying, but that won't
be necessary, Charles,
for my awesome life will do
the butthole-kicking this eve.
I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart,
incredible wife.
Tonight's gonna be awesome.
- Right, Gina?
- Damn straight!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
- DD...
- C!
[upbeat music]
♪
[light dance music playing]
Wow, this place hasn't changed
one bit in 20 years.
It's a real indictment
of the public school system.
Jake! Tina!
No way! Mikey J!
Amy, this is Mike Joseph,
AKA the lead funk bassist
from my legendary ska band,
Skalvester Skallone. We had one song.
♪ Oh ♪
ALL: ♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪
♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪
- Whoa!
- Hey, man.
We were so bad. I can't believe
we thought we were gonna make it.
So what have you been up to, man?
Well, I'm still trying to
get the music thing started.
Oh, cool, cool, cool. Never give up.
Anyway, how are you, Gina?
What have you been up to?
Nothing crazy. Yeah, just writing
- those "Thor" movies.
- Seriously?
Oh, my God. Tell me everything.
Legally, I can't get into it too much,
but just know that the next one
will have a lot more full frontal.
Well, if you need some ska
for your soundtrack...
Oh!
This is them. This is Marvel.
They probably want to talk about "Thor
4: More Thor." I gotta take this.
- Okay?
- All right.
So how you doing, Jake?
I know the end of high school
was a little... rough.
Oh, uh...
Jake's killing it now. He's a detective.
Irie, mon! Irie, irie!
Very nice.
God, you must have some crazy stories.
Oh, I don't know. I mean,
is successfully negotiating
a high-tension hostage situation
in a bank crazy?
Yes!
Oh, well, then, I guess I do have
some crazy stories, mon!
[laughter]
Gosh, it's so cool how we
all still dress the same.
♪
[on radio] Is it so much to ask?
You know what I'm saying?
Why is everyone gathered
around the radio?
Ooh, are they testing the
emergency broadcasting system?
What? No.
We're listening to a contest.
This is 93.7,
The Jamhouse, with...
ALL: JC and the Horndog!
[woman moaning on radio]
[derisively] FM radio...
Yeah, the hosts are beyond disgusting,
but they do a fun game where
they play a mystery sound
and callers guess what it is
for a cash prize.
Shh, they're about to play
the new sound!
[crinkling]
It's a crinkle. I solved it.
Yes, but you have to know what object
is making the crinkle.
But that's impossible.
It could be anything.
Yes, sir. That's the game.
It's a bag of potato chips.
Don't be an idiot!
It's a bag of corn chips.
Well, this is a total waste of time.
Sure, but you can still have fun,
- even if you're wasting time.
- That's absurd.
Productivity is what makes things fun.
That's why humans go to work.
It is?
Hey. So you know
how Alicia and I broke up
because she moved to London,
then we tried to make it work,
but the distance was too much
and we broke up again?
No. The last thing you told me
about yourself was that you were bi.
Well, a lot has happened since then.
Anyway, I'm dating two other people.
So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.
Oh, gross. Charles, this is why
I don't tell you anything.
- I take it back.
- Okay.
Well, it's early stages,
but they both tagged me
in a bunch of photos online,
and they found out about each other.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, I know.
I shouldn't 'gram so much,
but my brunch friends say
it's the only way to promote
my handmade jewelry line.
Brunch? What?
- Homemade... who...
- Charles, focus.
Anyway, they're both annoyed,
and now I have to choose one of them,
and I cannot make up my mind.
It's insane. I never have trouble
making decisions.
Ugh. Choose the daughter.
I always know exactly what to do,
but for the first time
in my life, I am stumped.
Rosa, you've come to the right man.
Boyles are genetically
indecisive beings.
So I chose the worst
possible person to help me?
No. We've developed
a foolproof system to
help us make choices.
It used to take me so long
to decide what to wear
that I'd never change my clothes.
Now look what I have on.
Is this different than what
you were wearing yesterday?
Barely.
Wow, your life sounds amazing.
I'm really happy it worked out for you,
you know, especially with
the whole Tattler thing.
[forced laughter] What?
The Tattler? Wow.
I haven't heard that in a long time.
Who even was the Tattler?
You. That's why I'm bringing it up.
Oh, right, I remember now that I
was misidentified as the Tattler.
That's so funny.
But I wasn't the Tattler,
so I'm pretty sure you got this wrong.
No, no, no, I think I go... Hey, Eric.
Didn't people call Jake the Tattler?
Oh, yeah!
[laughs]
Oh, good, more people
are getting involved.
After my initial design,
they said it couldn't be done.
They said it was too tall, too flashy...
building codes, bureaucracy.
Cut to the Freedom Tower
as you see it today.
Wow.
Thank you. Yeah, I agree.
Look, nobody cares about that stuff.
We're all adults now.
You're a cop.
I work at a coffin factory.
I'm not sitting around,
thinking about how you tattled.
Yes, we all have jobs
and work on coffins.
I didn't tattle, but whatevs. We
don't have to keep talking about it.
ALL, SUCCESSIVELY: Great.
But you were the Tattler, right?
Brandon Bliss was my friend!
Why would I tattle on my friend?
The nickname was inaccurate,
is all I'm saying.
Anyways, as you can tell,
I am totally over it.
Ah, man, it's the Tattler.
I didn't tattle!
[general silence]
So...
I think I might not be over it.
Ugh, this is so unfair.
Everyone remembers me as the Tattler,
but somehow, no one remembers
that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson
crapped himself during PE.
Look at him out there,
dancing on the dance floor
like he's lived a doo doo-free life.
Jake, this isn't so bad.
History is full of great tattlers.
Martin Luther King tattled on racists.
That's a pretty undercutting way
of describing his accomplishments.
I was trying to help. It felt bad.
It's not even the nickname
that bothers me.
It's that I'm being wrongfully accused.
I didn't tattle.
I mean, if it was the truth,
go ahead and call me
the Tattler all day long.
- Hey, Tattler.
- Not cool, Jason!
Let's just go home.
No! We're not going anywhere.
You were wrongfully accused. We're cops.
Let's just find the real Tattler
and prove your innocence.
Yes! I love it!
Why learn to grow when
you can fix the past?
This is exactly why
I don't need therapy.
Not sure that's the lesson
I want you to take away from this.
Too late! We're gonna prove
I wasn't the Tattler.
Therapy is a scam. Let's do this.
[upbeat music]
No.
The sound was more of a "khh."
Ooh, how goes the crinkle hunt?
I see you're not just wasting time.
You're also wasting tin.
It was only one piece.
Okay, it was a ton of tin.
Pretty sure it's a guy
eating a sandwich.
I'll prove it to you.
I'm not buying you any
more sandwiches, Scully.
- I'm doing this for us!
- Guys, we can't fight.
That's what the Horndog wants.
We're getting close. We just need
to keep testing more things.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Have you tried a piece of paper?
Is that your crinkle?
Ooh, maybe... oh.
Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
All right, sir.
I think you've made your point.
My point? Oh, I'm just trying
to have fun by wasting time.
Oh, maybe it's this
crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
[low crinkling sound]
Terry heard a crinkle.
Holt heard a crinkle, too.
So suddenly, it's not a waste of time?
Not a waste of time if we win!
What are you waiting for, Jeffords?
Call the Horndog!
So then I said to Steve,
"What if we drop the '-lications,'
just call them 'apps'?"
That's incredible.
- Do you miss him?
- Oh, every day, Laura.
- Every day.
- You should talk to Quentin Chase.
He's a big-time
Silicon Valley investor now,
and he was just telling me all about it.
Quentin, come here.
You have got to talk to Gina.
She basically invented apps.
They were going
to be called "lications."
You really bungled that.
What you been working on?
Currently, I have been working
on an app called Toddler.
It's like Tinder, but for toddlers.
Tinder for toddlers.
I like it. How are you gonna spell that?
How many D's?
- Five.
- [sharply inhales]
All right, we should start
by talking to Brandon Bliss
and find out who told him
you were the Tattler.
Unfortunately, Bliss is not here.
Probably in the VIP section
at a Fatboy Slim concert.
Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?
The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames.
All right, I don't know
who told Brandon,
but I heard it was someone
on the football team.
Okay, well, we need
more information than that,
so take me back to the day.
Spare no details.
Okay, I saw Brandon
after second period,
and everything seemed tight.
- _
- ♪ Hey now, you're an all-star ♪
♪ Get your game on go play ♪
But then, when I saw him
after third period...
- _
- something had clearly changed.
♪ Get paid ♪
[slowing] ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
After that, there was
little color left in the world
for young Jake.
My earring, less gold,
my JNCO jeans less purple.
Are you sure you were becoming cool?
Yeah. Why?
I know how to solve this.
We just have to find out
which football player
had third period with Brandon Bliss.
We need his class schedule.
Yeah, but where are we gonna find that?
In the coolest room in the school.
[upbeat music]
Good lord!
You coulda just picked the lock.
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm just so amped up about Admin.
Okay, this is the Boyle
decision-making manual.
One of these sections will help you
with choosing your partner.
Here we go. What do you prefer,
eyes or butt, brains or body?
- Brains.
- Uh...
Sorry, no, that's for deciding lunch.
- Horrifying.
- Oh, I found the romance section.
Now, first, I will need the names
of the two people
you're choosing between.
I will not be telling you
any information about them.
No problem. We can work with that.
I will just call them by their initials.
- No.
- I will call them
- "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
- Whatever.
Okay, now, for this to work right,
you need to answer these
questions without thinking.
- Who makes you laugh more?
- Quinoa.
- Who has softer lips?
- Couscous.
A new Cirque du Soleil's in town.
You have the two best seats
in the house.
- Who are you bringing?
- Is this a reward or a punishment?
- You decide.
- Quinoa.
Great. Next question:
You die and become a ghost.
The rules of the afterlife
are that of the movie "Casper."
Whose house would you rather haunt?
How many more
of these questions are there?
- 309.
- [exasperated sigh]
- Okay, I've got something.
- Oh.
That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
I just want a quick peek
at your attendance record.
Zero absences.
Oh, mama...
Printing this for later.
Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
[printer whirring]
Okay, here's Brandon's info.
Third period, first semester...
Any of these people
on the football team?
Scott Alford, Taylor Black...
wow, Tom Brady?
Different Tom Brady. He was in theater.
Although he was the MVP of that
year's production of "Fiddler."
- Hm.
- Wait a minute.
Danny Matthews. That's the guy.
He was on the football team.
That's the bastard who set me up.
Yeah, and look at this.
You did so much community service.
Me like-y.
Guys, you know how I thought
it would be so much fun
to lie to everyone tonight?
Yeah. Did it finally catch up with you?
No, the opposite. Someone wants to buy
a company I made up on the spot.
The elevator pitch had him drooling.
As a mother, I'm always struggling
to find quality playdates.
Most two-year-olds
are boring, lame duds.
All of my daughter's friends suck.
Well, with Todddddler's
proprietary algorithm,
you will be matched with top tots,
and those boring duds...
they'll stay where they belong:
the hell away from you and your family.
I'm not really sure how to close this.
Maybe you guys could pretend to be heirs
to a canned-goods fortune
who want to buy my company!
Gina, we don't have time
for your thing right now.
Oh, smart. Big-time him.
That's the perfect idea.
I won't forget you when I'm rich.
Thanks so much, Jake and Jake's wife.
She knows your name. Oh, look!
It's Danny Matthews!
But he'll never talk
with all these people around.
Not a problem.
Just be in the science lab
in ten minutes. I'll get him alone.
What are you gonna do?
Let's just say I'm not above
using my feminine wiles.
[harshly] Danny Matthews,
I'm with the school.
You need to follow me right now.
- Is everything...
- I said now, mister.
I'm one caller away.
I can't believe we figured it out.
And I can't believe
it took you this long.
Yogurt is literally your one thing.
- Okay, okay.
- Well, I'm just saying.
If the sound were eating damp rice,
I would've gotten it immediately.
Guys, they're taking another guess.
All right, Brenda from Yonkers.
It's time for you to name that sound.
Hi. Quick shout-out
to the nurses at United Pediatric.
This money'll do those kids
a lot of good.
Cry me a river. Brenda from Yonkers.
We've all had budget cuts.
Just take your guess.
Is it Styrofoam?
- Wrong!
- [buzzer sounds]
Oh, I can't believe
she guessed Styrofoam.
What a dumb nurse.
Next caller, you're on with the Horndog.
It's me!
The sound is a yogurt
being opened.
- That is...
- [drumroll]
- Wrong!
- [buzzer sounds]
What? No!
You b-b-b-blew it!
Damn you, Horndog.
Okay, I have tabulated your responses,
and the results are definitive.
- Amazing.
- It's a dead tie.
This is dumb. I'm just gonna end it
- with both of them.
- Rosa, stop.
There is one more method.
Ancient Boyles believed
that suspending yourself
by your feet forces your blood
to the decision center of your brain.
We call this method
the "Upside-Down Coward."
You want me to hang
from the ceiling like a bat?
The bat is nature's
most decisive animal.
The creature
that flails around frantically?
Those are all micro-decisions.
Now, let's get you strapped up.
[jazz music]
How do you feel?
Nauseous.
Good. It's working.
- Q?
- Yeah.
Get off the phone.
Now, I'm not sure
how serious you were about funding,
but I should tell you
there's 103 other bidders.
Oof, I am not a fan
of getting into bidding wars.
Then don't make an offer,
'cause I want babies on my app,
but not in my boardroom.
Oh, damn, Gina.
Did you just "oh, damn" yourself?
Someone had to.
Okay.
Let's talk numbers.
Mr. Peralta, I believe
you know Danny Matthews.
Jake. Hey, what's going on, man?
The answer to that question
goes back to a brisk day in 1997,
a day you told a lie.
But the lying stops right now!
[gasps] Oh, no!
You broke some poor kid's
science project!
We have to fix it.
Kind of in the middle of something.
Oh, you know what?
Krebs cycle. I got this.
Great. So, Danny,
true or false?
You were on the football team.
- True?
- And true or false:
you had third period with Brandon Bliss.
Mm, I honestly don't remember...
It was true! We checked the records,
and I have one more question.
Ooh, Jake, can you get me
that oxygen on the floor?
- Little red guy.
- What?
Sorry. You know what? Yeah, I'll get it.
Why did you tell Brandon Bliss
that I was the Tattler?
Because you were.
I saw you talking to principal.
I remember it, clear as day.
Look, you couldn't have seen me,
because I wasn't there. I didn't tattle.
Man, it was you, okay?
You had your long hair
and your little earring,
and the denim jacket you are
literally wearing right now.
Oh, no.
It wasn't me,
but it was the DDC.
[laughter] Gina.
Jake, guess who just sold her app idea.
Don't trust her.
Everything she's told you is a lie.
She made up the company
and everything else.
She's a liar.
Jake, whatever strategy this is
is not necessary.
I already closed the deal.
I know you were the Tattler.
♪
Amy, I'm ready to go.
Yep, totally.
I'm almost done with this project,
but I don't need to finish it,
because what matters
is that you are going through something,
and as your wife,
and love of your life...
Are you vamping so you can finish that?
I only have two molecules left.
- Come on, man.
- Jake, we need to talk.
Yeah, you guys do need to talk.
That sounds excellent.
Friendship, so much history...
I'm just gonna get this out of your way.
Oh, man.
What the hell, Gina?
You ruined my entire senior year.
How could you do that to me?
Jake, I was only trying to help.
You were hanging out with those guys
and getting close,
and they weren't good people.
Do you know why Brandon
wasn't at the reunion tonight?
I don't know.
Probably 'cause he was shooting
a beer commercial where the whole plot
was that everyone wanted
to sleep with him.
No, 'cause he's on parole.
He's not allowed to leave
the state of Delaware.
Oh, okay, so that's obviously a bummer,
but I wasn't gonna end up like him.
You were starting to. You wanted
to steal a van with him,
and I told you not to, and
you weren't listening to me.
I mean, what would've happened
if you got caught?
I don't know.
You would never have become a cop.
Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop.
I'm your origin story, dude.
You can't be mad at me.
I feel like I'm still pretty mad.
Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.
Yeah, but they weren't
best friends before the bite,
and it still doesn't explain
how you let everyone think
I was the Tattler for 20 years.
Well, I didn't want
to lose our friendship.
I was being weak.
I'm sorry.
[sighs] Okay.
And if it makes you feel any better,
that app thing completely
blew up in my face.
I mean, my night sucked.
Okay, I can see from your expression
that your night was worse,
and I should've left it at "sorry."
So did you hear?
Someone guessed the sound.
It was a bag of chips.
Wow. So the lesson here
is to listen to Hitchcock
and Scully more?
- No, that can't be possible.
- Yeah, I don't think
- we earned that today.
- Agreed.
Sorry for dragging you
into that dumb game.
You were right. It was a waste of time.
No, it wasn't.
Even though it was pointless,
I did enjoy myself.
I can't wait to go home and tell Kevin
you can have fun
without being productive.
Hey, guys, they're about
to play the new mystery sound.
I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.
And I've got no one in my life.
Scully, play that damn noise.
Quentin, can I talk to you for a minute?
Are you here to give me a long speech
about how you still deserve my money?
No.
I am.
Very cool entrance.
Thank you. Listen.
Gina Linetti is not a perfect person.
Mm, I'm hoping this gets more supportive
as it goes along.
But what she lacks in perfection,
she makes up for
with an utter and total belief
that she is perfect.
Ooh, you said "but," and then you said
- something worse.
- She is fiercely loyal.
She will do the right thing for you
even when you can't see it for yourself,
and she's saved my ass countless times.
And it's been 12. I counted.
She came up with an idea on the spot
that you were interested in.
Imagine what she could do
with time and resources.
Do the world a favor.
Invest in Gina Linetti.
[light bass guitar music]
Hard pass.
- BOTH: What?
- But my great speech.
Yeah, the speech was great,
but I've also been lying
the whole night.
I'm not a tech mogul.
I came here to mess with people.
- How dare you?
- Speaking of which,
did either one of you drive?
'Cause I could use a ride.
- No, Quentin.
- Oh, Quentin.
[tranquil music]
Okay.
Now open your eyes,
and the person you are meant to be with
should appear before you.
[both scream]
Sorry. I was just watching.
Get out of here, Hitchcock!
- Ugh.
- This isn't working.
I'm no closer to making a decision.
I'm jumping down.
Well, you can't just jump down.
- My goodness!
- It's over.
I'm gonna put 'em both in a group text
- and say "peace out."
- Uh, no!
There's still more options.
We haven't even done roleplay yet.
- What?
- [cell phone chimes]
Ugh.
I took too long getting back to Quinoa
and they got mad and ended it.
And that's how it's done.
- What are you talking about?
- The process worked.
Boyles don't make decisions.
We delay our decisions
until the universe makes them for us.
That way, we never make a wrong choice.
That is very sad,
but also, I guess it worked.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do feel pretty good.
Couscous is dope. She's funny.
Couscous is a she! I knew it!
- Did you?
- No, and I still don't know.
There's equal chance you called
them "she" to throw me off.
You get me, Boyle.
So I think I figured out
an awesome and dramatic way
to reveal that I was the Tattler.
It'll be a dance. There'll be costumes.
Gina, it's fine. I don't care anymore.
- It's all in the past.
- Oh, thank God.
That is such a relief,
'cause I didn't want people
thinking I was a tattler.
[sighs] Where's Amy?
She is in the library, writing
a book report on "Jane Eyre,"
and she told me "not to wait up."
- Oy.
- Yeah.
[both laugh]
Thanks for trying to help with Quentin.
It's funny. Even though it wasn't real,
it was so fun, imagining
running my own company.
So why don't your pursue it?
I can't raise my kid and create an app
and work at the Nine-Nine.
It's too much.
Well, then prepare for me
to murder your parents
right in front of your face.
- Rude.
- No.
It's Batman's origin story,
like the radioactive
spider thing you did with me.
I don't read comic books.
You helped me become who I am,
so now I'm gonna return the favor.
[warm music]
Gina...
I think your talents might
be wasted at the Nine-Nine.
I love you, but it might
be time for you to move on.
Um, are you firing me?
What? No. I don't think
I could even do that.
Good, because I quit.
You know, tonight I realized
that my talents
are being wasted at the Nine-Nine.
Okay, that's kind of exactly
what I just said.
Jake, let me finish. This is serious.
It's time for me to move on.
For real, though, it is.
Really?
♪
- Okay.
- [laughs]
Proud of you.
Thank you.
I'm proud of me, too.
[laughs]
Guys!
Vice principal caught me in the library.
Let's roll!