Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Crime Scene - full transcript

[COOL MUSIC]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[SIGHS]
Hey. Sorry I'm late.

The coffee guy was...
Assaulting your head?

What is going on up there?
Is it bad?

Before I answer that question,

do you currently have
a knife on you?

Yeah, several.
Then I love it.

It really... is hair.
It's bad, Rosa.

You look like Edna
from "The Incredibles."

I'm sorry, don't stab me.

My girlfriend Jocelyn's
been practicing



a bunch of different hairstyles
on me.

She's in cosmetology school.

Is she... passing?
Honestly, I don't know.

Well, let's get into
this murder.

I'm hoping it's a dope one.

Mamma Mia.
That's a bloody pizza pie.

[GROANS]
No, it's okay.

I can say that.
I'm half Italian.

That's not the problem
I had with it.

Detectives. The vacuum
was running when we got here.

Smeared blood
across the entire apartment.

Is this dope enough for you?

I mean,
it's a bloody robot, Rosa.

It's clearly a good start,
but it's gonna take



more than that
to be certified as dope.

Who's the Vic?
Name is Andrew Adams.

Kind of a boring name.
Not dope.

He's an investigative reporter.

Dope.
What was he investigating?

Chicken farming.

Sharp turn away from dopeness,

but who found the body?

His boss called the cops
when he didn't show up to work,

so he was found
by Officer Darrell.

Officer Darrell? You are
seriously undoping this.

You got anything else
for me? Jen?

The apartment was locked
from the inside.

Mysterious. Dope.

And the alarm system
was still armed.

Dope, dope, dope, dope.
So hard to solve.

Any surveillance cameras?
Oh, yeah.

Tons of 'em. We checked 'em.
It's too easy.

But no one was seen
going in or out.

So whoever did this was a ghost.

Yes! A ghost!

Oh! I officially declare
this case... dope!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo! I love the first
walkthrough of a crime scene.

It's kind of like arriving
at summer camp,

except the lake is full of blood

and your bunk mate is dead.

I think I might be bad
at metaphors.

So after Adams comes home
from work,

the only person
who even approaches

his doorway
is this delivery guy?

Yeah, but he never enters
the apartment.

Hey, Rosa. Check it out.
Triple digies!

There's so much evidence,
we hit triple digies.

Cool.
Cool indeed.

But you know what's not cool?

Our Vic ordered his dinner
from House of Lettuce.

There's no way this guy knew
he was gonna die.

No one would want lettuce
as their last meal.

For example, my last meal...

is gon'st to be Sour Straws.

You just keep those
in your pocket?

We face death every day.

I gotta be prepared to go out
on my own terms.

I can't even think about eating.

Smells like the brim
of Scully's hat in here.

That's the heat wave.
It sped up body decomp.

I guess you could say
this mystery

is straight outta decomp...

...ton.

No. Who are you?

I'm Franco McCoy.

I'm running CSI and forensics.

You two must be detectives.

I can tell because you look
pretty buttoned up.

We're both wearing
leather jackets.

And I won this hoodie
for eating a big pizza.

Just do me a favor.

Don't turn into a star humper
around me or my squad,

because they make TV shows
about us sometimes.

What? They make shows
about us all the time.

Name one.
"Law and Order."

Never heard of it.
"NYPD Blue."

Nope.
"Miami Vice."

Nah.
"Hill Street Blues."

Pass.
"The Wire."

Sounds dumb.
"Rizzoli & Isles."

Okay. That's a good one.

All right, if the heat
is causing the smell,

why don't we just turn on
the air conditioning...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That kind of air flow

is gonna kick up
all kinds of dust particles.

That AC stays off,
which means the odor in here?

Only gonna get worse.
Pro tip: Plug your noses.

Had this little bad boy
custom-made 3-D printed

to fit these sweet nosters.

Are you trying
to abbreviate "nostrils"?

In CSI, we don't try.

[NASALLY]
We do, son.

Okay. Well, it's been
sort of okay meeting you.

We're gonna turn our backs
and ignore you now.

Hey, Jake.
You know what it's time for?

I sure do.

BOTH: Jake and Rosa's
first impressions.

Cast-off pattern on the far wall

suggests upward
knife slices. Jake?

Wounds on the vic's back means

he didn't see
the killer coming. Rosa?

Laptop, wallet, keys
all in plain sight.

No sign of forced entry.

Doesn't connote
a robbery. Jake?

But it does connote
that our killer

was waiting for Adams
in the apartment.

Did I just use the word
"connote" correctly?

You did.
Great.

Will you text that to Amy?

I don't want to say what using
good vocabulary gets me.

Okay.
Sexual intercourse.

Gross.
What? We're adults.

I'm his mother!
Let me in!

Rock-paper-scissors

for who has to talk
to the vic's mom.

Deal.

It's a game of chance.
How do you always win?

You always pick paper.

That is not true.
Here, go again.

One more time.

All right, one more time.

One more time.
One more time.

One more time.

All right, one more time.

One more time.

God, this reverse psychology
is a bust!

Ma'am? I'm Detective Peralta.

This is Detective Diaz.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please tell me whatever you can.

Nobody will tell me anything.

I really wish that I could,

but we're just starting
our investigation.

Now, is there anyone
you can think of

that would want to hurt
your son?

No! Everybody loved Andrew.

I don't know why this happened!

Please, you have to find
who did this.

We're doing everything we can.

Promise me
you'll find who did this.

Ma'am, we can't promise...
Promise me!

Andrew was my whole world.

I'm a single mom.

I promise you.
Wow.

You really are an idiot.

Um, exsqueeze me?

Did you really just promise

a victim's family member
we would solve a crime?

Oh, come on.
I was just consoling her.

No. It was a full-on promise,
and it wasn't just her.

[RADIO STATIC CRACKLES]
Yes, Betty.

I promise I will find
your friend's son's killer.

Yes, you can put
your husband on.

I'll promise him too.

Okay, well, what's his number
at work, then?

Do you have a pen?
[STATIC CRACKLES]

You broke the number one rule

of dealing with
a victim's family member.

What were you thinking?
I don't know.

She reminded me of my mom, okay?

A single mother
crying in the hallway?

Those are some of my best
childhood memories.

Jake.
What, is that bad?

Dude, you never make a promise,

because if we don't solve this,

you've given her false hope,
and that is way worse.

Normally, I would totally
agree with you,

but we're going to solve
this case.

We have so much evidence.
We hit triple digies!

We'll interview his friends
and neighbors and coworkers.

Come on.
We got this!

We're Jake and Rosa!
And also Franco.

You're not a part
of this, Franco.

Your loss.

[COOL MUSIC]

My goodness.

Did Mother Gothel finally
let you out of the tower

to see the lanterns that fly
for your birthday?

What?
It was a "Tangled" burn.

Charles and I watched it
for bros night.

Cool. No, Jocelyn's learning

how to weave in hair extensions.

She wanted me to look nice

'cause I'm meeting
her parents tonight.

Wow. Moving fast.
Meetin' each other's parents.

Yeah. Well, I'm meeting hers.

I still haven't talked
to my mom since coming out,

so... it's kind of a bummer.

I don't really want to talk
about this.

Can we find a segue?

What? You can't just say
"let's find a segue."

I just did.
Okay.

I talked to the neighbors.

Our Vic had a party
three nights before the murder.

I talked to everyone
on the guest list.

They all have alibis,
so I got nothing.

How did your interviews go?

Not great. I talked
to his coworkers,

friends, and family.

No one had a motive.
Everyone loved him.

The dumb jerk. RIP.

Did you promise any of them
that you'd find the killer?

[LAUGHS] Yes, his aunt.

She also reminded me of my mom.

Her name was Karen!

Jake!
Look, it's gonna be fine.

This apartment is full
of forensic evidence.

There is no way that CSI
hasn't found something.

I have never been more
confident in my entire...

[GASPS] I can taste the smell.

Ugh. You shouldn't be able
to taste smells.

That's the heat
cookin' the blood rot

right out of the floorboards.

Set scent to simmer.

Serve over rice.

Well... I hated that.

Just so you know, Franco,

we're not responding positively
to you as a person.

Yeah. Maybe just give us
an update on the labs.

Copy that. The victim
was stabbed 30 times.

Coroner puts time of death
between 6:00 p.m.

and 7:30 p.m. Sunday night.

Okay, and how many
DNA matches did you find?

None.
What about hair?

Zero.
Fingerprints?

Zilcharoni. I have
no matches of anything

on any criminal databases
whatsoever.

Still feeling good
about your promise, Jake?

Still feeling good
about that haircut, Cousin It?

Franco, how did you guys
not find anything?

You had 15 people in here.

[LAUGHS] First of all,

you sound so ignorant right now.

I had 14 guys here.

Like I'd ever get approval
for 15 guys.

That's insane.

Second of all, don't worry,
Detective Kitty Cat.

I got one droplet of milk
nestled at the top

of CSI's teat, so pucker up.

Just talk normal.

We tested the blood.

This splatter here
belongs to the victim,

this to a second individual,

and that to a third.

Oh, hells, yes.

We might have some perp blood
in here.

This is huge!

Rosa, we are gonna solve
this case.

What're you doing?
Texting my mom.

I mean, the vic's mom.

I know that it's bad
that I said "my mom."

It's bad
that you're texting her.

I know!

Ah. Good morning, Rosa.

I see you're still going out
with Edward Scissorhands.

You seem particularly chipper
this morning.

Indeed I am,
because I finally tracked down

the guy who delivered our Vic
his final meal

and, in so doing,
maybe saw the other two guys

who bled all over
this apartment.

We don't know there were
three people in this apartment.

Peralta. Diaz.
Special delivery.

Delivery guy.

Wow, Franco,
you're really getting lazy.

You're lazy.
Even lazier.

Hello, sir. We'd like to ask
you a couple of questions.

Okay, look, I ate
a couple fries out of the bag,

but everybody does that.

That's not why you're here.
Oh, snap.

Is this about weed?

Should it be?
No?

You delivered food to the guy
in this apartment at 6:40 p.m.

on Sunday, and within the hour,
he was murdered.

What? How?
That's horrible!

Don't worry.

We're definitely gonna catch
the guy who did it, I promise.

Stop promising people.
Not.

Did you see anything suspicious?

No. But I didn't go inside.

The guy came to the door.
I just gave him the food.

And did you see or hear
anyone else in the apartment?

No, just that one guy.

He ordered, uh, three
beetroot zucchini wraps.

Three.
Three disgusting wraps.

Three disgusting bloodstains.
I knew it.

There were three people
in there.

Will you be willing
to go inside and let us know

if anything looks different
to you?

Yeah. Sure, that's fine.
I don't care.

[SCREAMS] Why would you
show this to me?

Oh, I'm too high to see this.
There's blood on the fish!

On the fish!

[SIGHS] I always forget
how weirdly numb

to horrific things we are.

Do you think it affects
our souls

and the relationships
we build with others?

Oh, for sure.
Oh.

You must have seen something.

You delivered the food at 6:40,

and sometime before 7:30,
Adams was stabbed to death.

Stop saying "stabbed"!

What I saw in there
forever changed me.

My heart is still pounding.

Wait.

Adams was wearing
a smart watch, right?

Those things track
your heart rate.

If we look at his phone,
we can see

the exact moment that his heart
stopped beating.

Here we go. Activities app.

And... boom.

His heart rate dropped to zero
at exactly 6:03.

The food wasn't even ordered
until 6:16, which means...

BOTH: The killer ordered
the food!

Oh, God.
Did I talk to a murderer?

Jake, this guy saw the perp.

We have to get him in front
of a sketch artist.

Oh, yeah.
I'm feeling it now, Rosa.

At this time tomorrow,
we're gonna know

exactly what our killer
looks like.

We have no idea
what our killer looks like.

Well, that's not totally true.

We now know that the killer
might look like

Seth Myers, Winona Ryder,
or Bilbo Baggins.

The delivery guy
kept starting over.

Apparently, he's always high.
I'm sorry, man.

Our big break
turned into nothing.

Detectives.
Ah! Captain.

Did you come down here
to take a look

at the two best detectives

you've ever worked with
in action?

The two best detectives
I've ever worked with

are Montez and Dillman.

Oh. You never
mentioned them before.

They were excellent.

I'm here because Major Crimes
wants this case.

I was hoping to tell them
you have some leads.

I overheard you mention
a Bill Bo-Baggins.

Should we bring him in?

Well, as much as I would
love to meet him,

he is not a suspect.

Okay, so who is?
At this time?

No one.

But... we are currently
investigating no leads.

So you have nothing.
Not nothing.

Jake made a new best friend.
The vic's mom.

He promised her
he'd solve the case.

That's a rookie mistake.
Okay.

Fine. So maybe I'm not
Montana and Dilbert.

Montez and Dillman!

And they would've remembered
your name after one mention.

Because we're memorable,
and they're not.

Turned it around.

Nope.
All right, look, Captain.

Rosa and I are gonna solve
this case.

The answer is in this room.
We just have to focus

and let the room speak to us,
isn't that right, room?

When you talk to the room,

I lose even more confidence
in you.

Why? Oh, wait, I see it.
All right.

Can you please just buy us
some more time anyway?

Sir, I feel like
we've earned this.

Fine. Work fast.
You got it.

Okay. Let's look at the scene
like we're seeing it

for the first time
with fresh eyes.

Vic was face down.

Cast-off splatter suggests
upward knife slices.

No signs of forced entry.

Laptop, wallet, keys
were all there.

BOTH: Doesn't connote
a robbery.

Wait a minute.
Have we said this already?

Are we just having the exact
same conversation?

Yep.
Cool. Moving on.

Windows and doors locked
from the inside.

Nobody in or out.

Think, think, think... oh!

The upstairs neighbor
and his best friend

drilled through the ceiling,
murdered Adams,

bleed all over the apartment,
then climbed back up

and sealed the hole behind them!

Negative, we would have found
construction debris

and microscopic paint fibers.

The only thing
that needs patching...

is that theory.

Okay. New idea.

We're gonna get inside
the mind of the killer.

We eat the veggie wraps.

Here we go.

Oh, this sick bastard.

Oh, man.
This is one twisted mother.

Oh, the beets are raw.

This guy is demented, Rosa!

Okay. All we have to do
is figure out

what kind of person can walk
by cameras without being seen.

Someone camouflaged as a wall.
Unlikely.

Harry Potter
and his invisibility cloak.

Not a real person.
Babadook.

Doesn't exist.

What about a Looper situation?

It's not a Looper situation.

It could totally be
a Looper situation!

It's not a Looper situation.

This is my least favorite hair!

Oh, my God, Rosa, come here.

Look at the blood spatter.

Do you see what I see?
Uh, blood.

In the exact shape
of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Pec, pec, delt, delt.
Big Samoan tattoo.

Rosa. I think I just made
a connection.

The number three is everywhere.

Three people.
Three types of blood.

And guess what the tax was
on the veggie wraps?

Three dollars.

And 19¢, but if you ignore
the 19, then it's three!

Okay. You've lost your mind.
What? Who told you that?

Was it room?

No. It's the fact
that you think

the room has a voice and also
you're working in your boxers!

To beat the heat, Rosa!
To beat the heat!

If we can't turn on the AC,

that's not crazy,
it's just smart.

Jake. I gave the case
to Major Crimes.

What? You can't do that.
I promised Luan!

Yeah, and now
you can't let it go.

The scene's yours, guys.

I'm sorry, Jake.
It's over.

Okay, Rosa, fine!
I'll leave.

Come on, room!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You left your pants.
I don't care!

Hey, Jake.
Ah!

Hello, Rosa,
my coworker and friend.

Look, I know you're mad at me,

but I only gave away that case
to help you.

You were acting like a lunatic.

Don't even worry about it.
You were totally right.

I was in way too deep,
and honestly,

I feel so free
not having to work

that case anymore, so thank you.

Cool, you're welcome.
What's up with all the ketchup?

Thank you for asking, Rosa.

It's for my hot dog.

Anyways, this has been
a great chat,

but I better get back
to my hot dog.

Oh, wow.
Ah! Hey!

Rosa, guess what?

There was no hot dog.

Who's the lunatic now?

Still you, Jake.
Yeah, right!

There's nothing crazy
about this, sister.

It's the crime scene:
Stove, kitchen island,

blood, and of course, the body.

[WHISPERING] Hi, Rosa.

I'm the body.

Shh. Stay in character!

Roger that.
Let's get that blood on you.

You gave away my case,
but guess what?

I spent two months
in that apartment.

I can recreate it in my sleep.

Have you slept?
No.

What the hell is going on
in here?

Jake's gone insane
because he promised

the victim's mom
he'd solve her son's murder.

Seriously?

You never promise
a victim's relative anything.

Oh, please.
Classic Terry.

Mr. Emotionless.
Sgt. Cold Heart.

The man who bleeds ice.

I don't think that rings true.

No?
Clean it up and get out.

You've lost your mind.

What? That's not true!

Charles, tell him.

Well, actually,
he does have a point.

Really?
Oh, man, wow.

I guess it really does take
your closest friends

to make you realize
that you have crap friends

that are idiots
and are dumb and idiots!

I'm solving this.

Hey, we heard
there's a hot dog in here.

No. Jake lied for no reason.

That son of a bitch!

[COOL MUSIC]

Oh, hey, babe.
[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS] Ugh!
It's me, Jake!

I'm just working!
What is wrong with you?

What are you doing?
Why do you have a knife?

Why am I covered
in red Post-its?

That's blood.
You're the corpse.

[SCREAMS] Jake, who is that?

Franco McCoy. CSI.

He's helping me with the case.

For the record,
I think it's weird

that I'm here too.

Both of you, get out!

Yeah, sounds good.

Sorry to wake you.

Sweet dreams.

Come on.

Okay, so, no one went in,
no one came out.

The lab confirmed
that the surveillance footage

wasn't tampered with.

So what happened in there,
Olive Rosa?

I don't know.
Ah! You can talk.

Oh. Rosa.

[LAUGHS]
It's just you.

I thought I was really going
crazy for a second there.

It was just person Rosa.

You look like crap.

You look like a freshman
at an all-women's college.

I don't think you're in
a position

to be offering criticism
right now.

More than fair.

I'm worried about you, man.

Yeah. I can't figure it out.

Then you gotta let it go.
I can't do that either.

Look, I know you want
to help this woman,

but there are other cases.

There are other people
that need your help,

and right now,
you're not helping anyone.

You gotta tell her it's over.

I don't know if I can do that.

Then I'll go with you.

I forced you to be there
when I came out to my parents.

I owe you.

All right.

We've exhausted every lead,

We have checked every alibi,

and we have followed
every last piece of forensics,

so I guess what I'm trying
to say is...

I can't find your son's killer.

I understand.

Thank you for trying
as hard as you did.

I really hoped you'd find him.

Well, don't lose hope,
because Major Crimes

is on the case as we speak,
and they're very...

Oh, they already contacted me.

Because it's been so long
without any new leads,

they've labeled it a cold case.

They said I shouldn't
hold out hope.

I'm sorry.

It's not you.

I just can't stop
feeling guilty.

Andrew and I were not
on the best of terms.

We had this huge fight,

and we hadn't spoken
in almost a year.

I just wish I could've made it
right when I had the chance.

I'm very sorry to hear that,
but I'm sure...

We're gonna find
your son's killer.

What?

Jake and I are jumping back
on the case.

We'll make sure your son
gets the justice he deserves.

I promise.

Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rosa?

[CRYING] She just reminds me
of my mom.

Oh, boy.

So, we gonna talk about
what happened back there?

I haven't seen someone cry
that much

since Charles heard they were
remaking "First Wives Club."

It sort of bothers me
that my mom

hasn't talked to me
since I came out.

Why don't you just give her
a call?

Because I shouldn't have to.

It's her issue, not mine.

I mean, I'm glad I came out
to her, it's just,

it's taking her way longer
to come around

than I thought it would.

It sucks.

That's weird.
The police tape's already gone.

Oh, yeah, Major Crimes
released the scene yesterday.

But I'm sure
they haven't had time

to clean up the evidence...

Oh, man, they emptied
the place out.

Nothing left in here.

I can't believe
this is how it ends.

Yeah. Is it weird
that I miss the smell?

[DISTANT RUSTLING]

Wait a minute, do you hear that?

I've spent 600 hours
in this room,

and I have never heard
that sound.

It's because
the air conditioning's

never been turned on.

It's coming from that vent.

[COOL MUSIC]

I don't see anything.

Wait, there's a bend.

Oh, my God.

There's food and water in here!

Rosa. We never saw the killer
leave this apartment

because he never left.

But he couldn't have survived
in there for months.

That's insane.

He wasn't back there for months.

He just waited for the body
to be discovered

and then snuck out
sometime after that.

But this place was crawling
with cops.

Which is exactly what he wanted.

He snuck out dressed like a cop.

Even if he had a uniform,

somebody would've
recognized him.

Not if his face was covered.
By a Hazmat suit.

The CSI guys!

Franco said he had 14 techs,
but didn't you count 15?

I did count 15!
My math was right!

Suck it, Mrs. Skanga!

She was my Algebra II teacher.

She threw a protractor
at my head.

She sucks.
She sucked!

Actually, she was very sweet.
She believed in me.

Oh.
Yeah.

Here's the security footage.

It's rated G for Gonna Get Got.

Less is more, Franco.
Play the tape.

Okay, so there's us arriving.

Oh, man, is that how I walk?

Yes.
Should I change how I walk?

Yes.
All right. Wait. Go back.

Jake, we don't have time
to fix your walk.

It's gonna take a lot of work,
and we're very busy.

No. Look.
Look at this guy.

All the other techs are wearing
booties, but he's not.

Follow that guy.

Where's the footage from
the bodega across the street?

We have that?
That is so crazy.

We are under surveillance
at all times.

I'm sure it's fine and it won't
backfire and ruin society.

Zoom in on his face.

That man's not CSI.

No, Franco.

But he is about to say...

CS-Bye.

Yeah-ow!

Respect, Jake.
Respect.

Okay, Rosa.

You know what it's time for.
I do.

BOTH: Jake and Rosa's
final impressions.

Your client's a hit man.

He snuck into the apartment

during a party
several nights earlier,

hid in the vent for three days,

then emerged
and murdered Adams. Jake?

He then spilled bags of blood

that he stole from a blood bank
all over the floor

and turned on
the victim's vacuum cleaner

to make the crime scene
as messy as possible. Rosa?

The messy scene meant
there'd be extra crime techs,

allowing your client
to sneak out in a Hazmat suit,

which records show
he bought online.

Two weeks before the crime
was committed.

My only question is,

who was behind all this?

I was hired by a chicken farmer.

Okay. Dopeness taking
a late hit here,

but we still got you.

See you at the sentencing,
peace, and we're out.

He's pleading guilty.

Oh, thank God.

But why did he kill Andrew?

Was he doing something bad?

Not at all.

He was about to
publish an exposé

on a large-scale poultry farm

whose owner was bribing
an FDA regulator.

He put a hit out on your son.

Well, is anybody
going after him?

If they're not, then I will.
I promise you.

Come here.
Oh.

[MOUTHS WORDS] Why are
you promising her?

[MOUTHS WORDS] I can't
help myself!

Good-bye, detectives.

Take care.

I gotta say, we would not
have solved that case

if you hadn't gotten involved
emotionally.

Think we'd be better cops
if we did that all the time?

Absolutely not, never again.

Yeah, it was a total nightmare.

You want to get
a celebratory drink?

I would, but I'm actually
meeting somebody.

Is it Jocelyn?
Do I get to meet Jocelyn?

Oh, God, is she gonna try
and cut my hair?

No. It's my mom.

I waited too long
for her to come around

and call me, so I called her.

That is so great.

Oh, no.
Is she meeting you here?

Am I about to get caught
in the middle

of all your weird awkwardness
again?

Hello, Jake.
Ah! Hello, Mrs. Diaz!

America's favorite mother!

[CLEARS THROAT]

So?

So.

So...

Rosa's bi.

Yes, Jake, I remember.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool...

You don't have to stay, man.
Great. Thanks.

It's really good to see you,
Rosalita.

It's good to see you too.

What did you do to your hair?
Mom!

No, no, no,
it's very cute, mija.

[GROANS]

Not a doctor.
Shh.

Fremulon.