Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Puzzle Master - full transcript

Santiago,
your test results

from the sergeant's exam
have arrived.

Ooh, everybody
make room.

Amy needs adequate space
to do her signature dork dance.

I don't know if there's
going to be a dork dance.

I mean, look how small that
envelope is.

That's not a big,
good news envelope.

That's a little,
bad news envelope.

What? That's nuts.
Sarge, tell her envelope size

- doesn't matter.
- If I'm being honest,

- I got a much bigger envelope.
- Oh, God.



Unhelpful, Terry.
Very unhelpful.

- Mine was bigger, too.
- Okay.

I just won't ever open it.

That way, I'll never get
rejected.

- Fine, I'll open it.
- No!

Oh, whoa!

Do it harder.

I opened it.

- You passed.
- Oh, my God.

I'm going to be a sergeant.

You're going to be a
sergeant!

Yes!

♪ Oh, ho, ho, no,
it's happening. ♪

Whoo!



- Yeah!
- That's my future wife!

So...

*BROOKLYN Nine-Nine*
Season 05 Episode 15
Episode Title : "The Puzzle Master"

Amy Santiago,
put down that melon,

for you are about
to feast your eyes

on one of the most delicious cases
in the NYPD.

I don't like the personality
I've chosen here.

I do.
You sound like Caesar Flickerman

welcoming new "Hunger Games"
tributes to the Quarter Quell.

- What's going on, Jake?
- In one week,

you will officially become
a sergeant.

Which means this case
will be the last one

we ever work together as detectives,
so it has to be perfect.

I present to you
a serial arson case.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the fires seem to be

connected to the Saturday
crossword puzzle.

- Mama like.
- Two different buildings,

two consecutive Saturdays,

and a puzzle left
at each crime scene,

and a note was sent
to the puzzle's author,

- Mr. Melvin Stermley.
- Melvin Stermley?

He's the best in the game!

He made a puzzle once
where all the answers

were just the word "puzzle"
in different languages.

- In Estonian, it was moistatus.
- Yeah, well, your moistatus

is about to be hecka moist...

don't call HR,
we are getting married...

because Melvin Stermley
is coming in

- to help us with the case!
- Sha-wing!

Hey, I was going through your
calendar for some reason.

- It's your job.
- Right.

Anyhoobs, I wanted to remind
you about the commissioner

candidate meet and greet,
and your presentation

to the selection committee.

Being that
I am your campaign manager...

- You are not.
- I did a little sleuthing

on your rivals.
You want me to spill the beans?

Why would you ever
intentionally spill beans?

They're one of nature's most
densely packed protein sources,

and they remain
unsullied by flavor.

Okay, forget it,
I'll just mosey on out.

Fine, fine,
tell me everything.

All right, have a seat.
It's Gina time.

Say hello
to your compe-tish.

Bryan McCann, John Kelly,
and John Kelly.

Yes, that's right,
there are two John Kellys.

How are these not
the same man?

You should see their wives.
Or should I say, wife.

Good God, do you know what
their speeches are about?

I do.

"Staying the course."

"Maintaining the course,"
and

"Blazing a path
to a new future."

I'm kidding,
it's "Remaining on the course."

Unbelievable,
none of these men

have any interest in
advancing the NYPD.

That's right,
because they're dinosaurs.

But do you know
what kills dinosaurs?

- Asteroids?
- No.

You-steroids.

You are going to kill
these dinosaurs.

Hey, hey dum-dum.
What are you thinking?

Introducing Amy to her
celebrity crush?

- Are you insane?
- Relax, Charles.

It's not a crush, it's her
nerdy crossword puzzling hero.

I mean, the guy's
got to be a massive dork.

His name is Melvin Stermley,
for God's sake.

Jake, he's here.
Come meet Melvin.

Hey, you can call me Vin.

But, where is nerd?

Whoa, is this
a new detective car?

It sure is,
I put in the paperwork

18 months ago, and got lucky.
They fast tracked it!

Say hello to the Nine-Nine's
brand new, fully loaded,

sweet-as-hell crime-crusher
on wheels!

Holy crap, it has a heads-up display
with built-in license plate reader.

Who cares.
It's got two burrito holders.

- Those are cup holders, Scully.
- Oh yeah?

Then what am I supposed
to use my thighs for, genius?

Wait, who are you assigning
this car to, Sarge?

Um, I was actually thinking
I'd get this one.

- Seriously?
- You suck.

Whoa,
the heater in my detective car

hasn't worked in two years.
I don't have enough body fat

to keep warm,
Terry's sick of shivering.

Okay, just seems a little selfish

to keep it for yourself
when your detectives,

who you took an oath to protect,

are stuck driving
their crappy old cars.

- Mine's the oldest.
- I've never felt so abandoned.

And I was actually abandoned.
They found me in a swamp.

Fine.
We'll do a drawing for it.

But until then,
no one touches it.

Oops, too late.

I left a ranch handprint
on the windshield.

Okay, so here are your puzzles

from the days
the arsonist set the fire.

This is really good, Amy,
thanks.

Hey, so Vin, just curious.
Would you say you have

the typical physique
of a puzzle maker, or?

Well, each puzzle only pays
a couple hundred bucks,

so I mostly make
my money modeling.

- Primarily swimwear.
- Yeah, I hear that.

I could do that too, but I
make pretty good money here,

so I don't really need to.

Anyways,
let's talk about the case.

So here's the letter that
the arsonist sent to Vin.

"Your clues I discombobulate
to teach you to conjugate,

the fool who fails to validate
will watch as I conflagrate."

It seems like he's using my
crossword to tell me something.

Oh, maybe we should look
at anagrams of the answers.

That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"

Oh, what?

He re-arranged the letters
of "Amy Santiago."

He anagrammed me! Vin,
do Jake Peralta.

- I doubt that's even possible.
- Eat a jerk, pal.

What, no one's ever said
that phrase.

I really think this anagram
approach makes a lot of sense.

Seriously? Let's do it.

I'll take even clues,
you take odds.

Great, and I will take
everyone's coffee order.

- That's equally helpful.
- I don't drink coffee.

- But I'd love a kombucha.
- Great, I'll just...

walk to the kombucha store.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, of course.

You can't wear a coat over a tank,

- You're not Ryan Gosling.
- Feeling jealous, buddy?

No, not at all.
I mean, I am a little surprised

that somebody named Melvin
is so bodacious,

but I feel that jealousy
is an ugly emotion.

- That you are feeling.
- And I'm just glad

that Amy is spending
some time with her hero.

- Who is super hot.
- Charles, let it go.

- And smart.
- I'm serious, stop.

And hilarious.

Eat a jerk, pal!

So, how's it going in here?

Vin, I see
you're still coatless.

- I run hot, like a wolf.
- Oh, I see.

I wonder if the word "conjugate"

in the arsonist's letter means
we should

- focus on the verb answers.
- Cool, I love verbs.

Second favorite
part of speech.

- After prepositions.
- After prepositions.

Yeah, words are cool.

But maybe
we should switch gears a bit,

and get back to some good
old-fashioned police work.

- What are you thinking?
- Well, whoever's setting

these fires is clearly trying
to humiliate Vin.

You know,
make a puzzle he can't solve.

So maybe we should focus
on people that don't like you.

Jake has a point about motive.

Maybe another puzzler
wants to take you down.

Well, if you're
looking for a puzzle head,

I'm hosting a crossword night
at the Turnkey Bar tonight.

Oh, I've always wanted
to go there.

That place is a total
puzz-hang.

Ah, gross, all right,
so we'll go undercover,

chat some people up, and see
if we can't find our arsonist.

- Good idea.
- Oh, Amy likes my plan.

Great, so Vin, why don't we
just get this coat back on you,

and I'll help you
get out of the door, here.

And we'll see you tonight,
okay, bye!

- The best.
- Right?

Yeah!

Wow, the competition
looks even older in person.

What do you think these
dinosaurs are talking about?

Where to find "Matlock" reruns?

Be professional, Gina.

Like the homecare nurses

who will tuck them into bed
tonight.

- Oh, hello, John.
- Raymond.

I just want to say
what an honor it is

to be up for the same job
as a man

with your...
experience.

Thank you.

I paused suggestively
before I said "experience,"

so he would know
it wasn't really a compliment.

Who are you talking to?
I invented the pause.

- Raymond Holt,
- I'm Captain Olivia Crawford.

I'm the new candidate
for commissioner.

- Oh?
- Excuse me?

Yeah, I replaced
the other candidate.

He retired to spend more time
with his grandchildren.

Anyway, I just wanted to say
what a privilege it is

to be up for the same job
as a man with your... tenure.

- Oh, damn, she paused, dude.
- In error, I am certain.

Olivia, I may be older than you,

but I am not some dinosaur

intent on maintaining the status quo.

For example, I would add
a social media officer

- to every precinct.
- Interesting.

I plan on eliminating
precincts all together.

What, no precincts?
That's not how we do things.

That's exactly what
both John Kellys said.

Oh no, she's the asteroid.

And I don't want to say
you're a dinosaur, but...

You're a dinosaur.

Wow,
a whole crowd full of puzzlers.

Gotta be honest,
I'm a little disappointed

no one's wearing a green suit
covered in question marks.

That guy has crossword puzzle pants.

- Does that scratch your itch?
- Very much so, thanks.

All right, we should probably
start talking to people in line.

Pardon me there, fellow puzzler.

What do you think of
Melvin Stermley?

Uh, you mean
my future husband?

Oh, so you like his puzzles?

And his face, body, and brain...
and body.

Honestly,
Vin makes all other men

seem really stupid and ugly.

Okay, well,
thank you for your

very candid and hurtful
input.

You must solve
one of Vin's puzzles to enter.

Rearrange the letters of
this phrase

to reveal a place in the world.

"Meet a brainier stud, a."

Oh, come on, there's no place
with that many letters in it.

I mean, most places
are, like, four letters.

- You know, park, mall, dump...
- United Arab Emirates!

You may enter.

Uh, you must each answer a puzzle.

Oh... great.

Unscramble the letters
in this phrase

to reveal the name of a film
based on a classic novel.

- Okay.
- "Sad anus loser, I go in"

You know, I feel like these puzzles
are actually very pointed.

Forget it, I got this.

Uh, A, R, uh...

Puzzle solved.

Who's the anus loser now?

It's still me.

Okay, one of us is
about to get access

to the best detective car ever,
and everyone else

will go back to driving junk cars

for the rest of
your junk lives.

Damn, Sarge,
that took a dark turn.

I want seat warmers.
I want them bad.

I need this car too.

I'm sick of riding my
Vespa to work every day.

Well, being on the seat
behind you is no picnic either.

All right, here it goes.

What?

Oh, my God, it says "Terry." I won!

♪ Terry got a car, Terry got a car ♪

No way. You cheated.

What? I didn't cheat.

I bet every slip in there says
Terry.

He filled it full of fake people.

- Who the hell is Norm?
- That's Scully's first name.

- It is?
- Stop being sore losers.

I won fair and square.

No, you won
unfair and un-square,

- and I'm going to prove it.
- And if we can't,

- we'll plant it.
- No.

Charles, I need your help.

What's the best way
to dry out a pant leg that's

- been soaked in toilet water?
- Wait 28 minutes.

Trust me, that's how long it
takes for toilet pants to dry.

Well, I can't just be
standing around

for half an hour while
Amy chats it up with Vin.

Ah, so it's not toilet water.
You're drenched in jealousy.

I told you before, jealousy is an
ugly emotion that I don't feel.

Besides, Amy picked
my plan to come here.

Why would I be jealous of Vin?

Because of his body, and
face, and brain... and body.

Why does everybody say
"body" twice?

Oh, hang on a second.

- Somebody's coming.
- Vin is on fire tonight.

- He's phenomenal.
- No wonder the Saturday

crossword replaced
Sam with him.

- Sam must be pissed.
- I heard the only place

that buys his puzzles now
is "Parade" magazine.

The hardest clue
he had in his last one

was a five-letter word for a game

- popular in nursing homes.
- Bingo.

I figured out who the arsonist is.

It's this guy named Sam.
He's a puzzle maker.

- And Vin took his job.
- Sam Jepson?

Oh, he's not the arsonist.

He's been out of town for weeks.

And he's
one of my closest friends.

He let me stay on his couch
when Anna Kournikova and I broke up.

Well, I mean,
she never won a major, so.

All right, fine, if I'm so
wrong, what did you guys find?

Both fires were located

at the intersection of
numbered streets.

If you match those
intersections with the same

intersections of the
numbered clues in the puzzles,

you get the letters "MA".

We think the arsonist
is spelling his name.

We can build a puzzle around that,
and catch him setting his next fire.

But we have a suspect
with a crystal clear motive.

I think we need to solve this
like cops, not puzzlers.

I hear you, Jake.
But people who make crosswords

love hiding their names
in their puzzles.

It's our version
of a self portrait.

All right, you know what?

Amy, it's your last case, you decide.

Should we go with
Vin's wacky little plan,

or should we go with
Sam Jepson,

my exceptionally solid lead?

I see where you're coming from,
Jake, but this is Vin's world,

and I think we should
go with his strategy.

- Sound good?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, sounds great.
- Okay, great.

- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.

Oh, no, ugly emotion.

Okay, so we think the
arsonist is using the fires

to spell out his name.

The most common
third letter

in names that start with "MA"
are L for Malcolm,

X for Max, R for Mark,
and T for Matthew.

Or his name is Sam,
and he's spelling it backwards.

Uh-huh.

Let's just stick with the LXRT plan.

- Copy that.
- Vin designed today's puzzle

using only
one of each of those letters.

Isn't that the craziest
thing you've ever seen?

I don't know, I mean,
remember that time

we investigated the
disappearance of Mrs. Jackson,

and it turned out her
parrot ate her, bones and all?

- That was pretty crazy.
- That was crazy.

Yeah.

So tonight, we'll stake
out the intersections

that correspond to where
the L, X, R, and T are

in Vin's puzzle, and hopefully
catch the arsonist in the act.

I'll take the MAT corner,
you take the MAR corner,

and we'll have patrolman
take the MAL and MAX.

- Cool?
- Yep, very cool.

Okay, great, I'll get
the surveillance equipment.

Shame.

Shame, shame, shame.

I can't believe
you're doing Vin's plan.

Will you relax?
I'm only doing it

because someone else
is going to do my plan.

- Who? Oh.
- You.

While I'm busy watching
nothing happen on my stupid corner,

you're going to stake
out Sam's apartment.

Then when he sets a fire,
Vin is going to look like a dummy.

That's right,
use the jealousy, Jake.

It will give you
unimaginable power.

Yes, yes, I can feel it
coursing through my veins.

- Oh, my hand cramped.
- Oh.

Oh, it's stuck in a claw.

- It's a claw now.
- Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing?

You're snacking?
This is from the guy

who told me that
eating finger foods

was the one true sign of
depression?

Then watch me chew,
Gina.

I'm a creature of the past.
I'm a dinosaur.

No, you are not, you're
the best man for the job.

And I think you know what
you have to do to get it.

Believe in myself
and give a great presentation?

Not even close.

That's the head of the committee
over there, gorging on crab cakes.

Just go up to him and
sabotage Olivia.

Um...

- I don't think I can do that.
- Well, you can't really be

the best commissioner
the NYPD has ever had

if you're not
the commissioner.

Right. You're right,
I want this.

And I will do good things
for the city.

Yes, you will.
Now, get over there,

and crap all over
Olivia's ideas.

- Patrick, nice to see you.
- Hello, Raymond.

- Shall we small-talk?
- Mm.

I've been thinking recently
about how vital

the existence of precincts
is to the NYPD.

Oh, you spoke to Crawford.

She's very forward thinking,
isn't she?

I suppose you could call it
that.

I mean, I wouldn't, but...

Ray, you don't need
to worry about her.

Between you and me, we had to
nominate a girl for PR reasons.

There's no way the NYPD

is ready for a female commissioner.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Grab a crab cake before we start.

Real crab, big chunks.

Okay, no one saw Sarge

do anything suspicious
on the day of the drawing.

- We got nothing.
- Speak for yourself, sister.

We found a smoking gun.

Play it, Hitchcock.

- Voila.
- Bah-boom.

- What, I don't see anything.
- Focus on the butt.

- The butt don't lie.
- He squeezed his cheeks

- before he opened the slip.
- He knew his name was on it.

It was a pre-emptive
celebration clench.

I don't know, we need better
proof than a butt clench

- to take down Terry.
- I did it, okay?

I cheated. I wanted that car,
and I took it.

And it's killing me.
I couldn't sleep all night.

I just kept hearing the blinker.

You-cheat, you-cheat,
you-cheat.

Here are the keys. Take the damn car.

Terry doesn't deserve it.

And that is why
I became a cop.

Hey, Charles, nothing's
happening on my MAR corner.

- Any movement at Sam's place?
- No, I did, however, see

a cool-looking dude in a ponytail
on a Razor scooter.

I have to admit,
I like the look.

Is it possible I'm wrong,
and Sam is out of town?

Vin's plan is actually
kind of smart.

- Jake, I have eyes on Sam.
- Yes, suck it, Vin.

My judgment is clear,
and I am a genius.

Charles, I'll be right there.

But enough about
the crab cakes.

Our first presentation tonight

will be from the 99th precinct's

Captain Raymond Holt. - Raymond?

Let me begin with a hilarious joke.

I'm surprised I was on the
short list for commissioner.

After all, I am six feet tall.

Actually, what I have to say
tonight is no laughing matter.

I was just told by a member
of the selection committee

that they have no intention

of ever choosing
a woman to run the NYPD.

I suppose I should have been relieved,

because Captain Crawford
is a damn qualified candidate.

But as someone who has
been denied opportunity

because of who I am,

I cannot stand by and watch
it happen to someone else.

So, I will be reserving my presentation

for a selection committee
that will judge

all of the candidates fairly.

And let's be honest.

The crab cakes were only so-so.

Thank you.

All right, talk to me,
what's happening?

- What's Sammy up to?
- Well, he just sat down

- on the plaza.
- Okay, he's opening up

his backpack and pulling out
what appears to be a thermos.

Possibly containing some sort
of accelerant-like gasoline.

- Yup.
- No, he's eating it

with a spoon.
It's soup, he's eating soup.

Well, maybe he's fueling up
for a night of starting fires.

He just pulled out a lighter!

Nope, it's not a lighter.
It's a bumblebee PEZ dispenser.

- Hmm.
- Ooh, he's making a phone call.

Quick, get the parabolic mic.

Mom, I did something bad.

Yeah, you set some fires.

I proposed to Gretchen,
and she said no.

- So you set some fires.
- So, I left Myrtle Beach.

Two weeks ago,
and then you set some fires.

No, I got back home today.

Yeah, all my fish were dead.

Okay, so Sam didn't do it.

I should probably
get back to my corner.

Just for the record,

just because
I was wrong about Sam,

does not mean
that Vin was right.

Well, this is disappointing.

I can't believe you left your post.

What, the plan wasn't yours,

so you didn't think
it was worth following?

Well, because of your
juvenile behavior,

one of our city's finest...

abandoned lard factories
is now burned to the ground.

My gut told me that
Sam Jepson was setting the fires.

Although I now realize
his actual life

is much sadder than that
of a serial arsonist.

But we agreed to do Vin's plan.

So what?
Vin is not a cop.

Why do you keep siding
with him instead of me?

Oh, let me guess,
because he was right,

and the building was on fire,
and he's perfect?

Wait,
are you jealous of Vin?

Jake?

All right, I didn't want
to say anything

because it's a gross emotion,
but yes, I am a little bit

jealous of the super smart
supermodel.

This was our last case together.

And you and him have been joined
at the hip.

Or in his case,
that super sexy V muscle

that I don't understand
how to tone.

He told me,
it's a lot of bicycle crunches.

Crunches on a bicycle?

That's crazy,
you would just fall right off.

Babe, you have no reason
to be jealous of him.

I just...

I don't want you
to wake up one day

and with that you were with
someone as smart as you are.

I am with someone
as smart as I am.

You.

You're a brilliant detective.

I love the way
you think.

That's why I want to marry you.

Marry me.

Marry.
Oh, my God, look.

The arsonist spelled MAR,
but they were going to spell

M-A-R-R-Y!
Or...

Conjugate.
Conjugate means marry!

Yes, and who wants
to marry Vin?

- The lady from the bar!
- The lady from the bar!

Hey, puzzle chick,
unscramble this.

You're going to "ailj."

All right, Sarge. The car is yours.

What? Why?

- I don't deserve that car.
- I don't know about that.

I went back and watched the tapes
to figure out how you did it.

Right before the drawing,

you got a peanut butter cup
out of the freezer.

The thing is, you don't
eat sugar past 4:00 p.m.

Could have been a cheat day.

Oh, it was definitely
a cheat day.

You froze
your slip of paper,

so that
when you pulled the name,

all you had to do was
find the cold one.

So.

You thought the way
I cheated

was so cool,
you gave me the car?

Yeah, but also while
I was watching those tapes,

I noticed all the nice crap
you do for people.

You got Gina a cushion
for her chair.

You let Charles show you
130 pictures

of Nikolaj
brushing his teeth.

You Heimlich'd Scully twice.

- On the same peanut.
- I also solved a murder.

Yeah, we all solve murders,
but you,

you let Hitchcock borrow
a pair of your socks,

because his somehow
disintegrated.

Anyway, I'm sorry I guilted you
in the first place.

- You deserve that car.
- Thanks, Diaz.

How did you get Hitchcock
and Scully to agree to this?

I washed their car and
told them it was a new one.

They're napping in it right now.

Smart!

- Hello, Captain Holt.
- Ah, Captain Crawford.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Captain Crawford is here
to see you.

Thank you, Gina.

So, it would seem that
we have become frenemies.

- Do you know what that means?
- Are you trying to imply

that I'm too old to
understand a portmanteau?

I am not, but I am
too dignified to use one.

Friend-enemy.

I just wanted to thank you,
for your brave speech.

The mayor's office has replaced

the selection committee
with a less biased one, so.

Feel free to start calling
me commissioner now.

The only time I plan on calling you

- is to hear you concede.
- It's going to be hard to hear anything

once I've crushed you
into a fine powder.

A fine powder that will
choke you until you die.

May the better candidate win.

She will.

Captain Crawford left.

So, we brought her in this morning,

and she confessed
immediately.

Hi, Vin, I love you!
Did you see my fires?

Turned out,
she was writing something.

Specifically, "marry me,
or else I will kill you.

Yours forever, Helen Gorbelson."

- Wow, that's so many fires.
- So many fires.

Thank you for catching her.
With a brilliant puzzling mind

like yours on the case,
it was only a matter of time.

Actually, Jake solved it.

He's kind of a genius
with this stuff.

Oh, thank you, then.

Couldn't have done it
without your help.

So I guess that's that.

I should probably run
if I'm going to make it

to the Javits Center by four.

They're making a mold of me for
the upcoming Bodies Exhibit.

As they should,
your body is great.

- And that's okay.
- Thanks, man.

You should join me
for a puzzle night sometime.

- Oh.
- No!

Jake is taken.
He already has a friend.

Hang out offer declined.

Now let's strut your
centerfold ass out of here.