Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - NutriBoom - full transcript
Jake and Charles get suckered into a pyramid scheme.
- Pigeon's still here?
- Yeah.
No matter what we do,
he just won't leave.
The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.
- No, I'm definitely not.
- When you should
be thinking like a bird.
- _
- This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon.
On my mark, I will turn on this fan,
gently startling our bird due east,
into the file box canyon, where he will
encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together,
forcing Private Pigeon
into the ceiling there
and out of the ceiling there,
where he will be greeted by scary Rosa
holding a scary picture of an owl.
Now he's playing our game.
He'll veer left, into an
upside down garbage can
propped up by a hockey stick
and connected to a string
that Gina is holding.
She pulls it, he is trapped,
and Terry releases him outside.
- Terry hates birds.
- Okay, little friend.
Let's get you home to mama.
- [chopping]
- [screams]
Oh, God. It flew right into the fan!
It's everywhere!
There's pigeon everywhere!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Boyle.
- Hey, Jake.
- Wait, what?
- Hey, Jake.
Ahh! Bill, what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed to meet only
once a year for the Halloween Heist.
I'm here to deliver
your quarterly NutriBoom shipment.
It comes with both
the amino acid reducer
and extra amino acid,
so you get the perfect balance.
What? No. I only signed up
as a one-time payment bribe.
I'm not selling NutriBoom.
It's clearly a pyramid scheme.
First off, it's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through
medical marketing entity.
And secondly, you signed the contract.
"Permission to charge my card quarterly
for the next 85 years."
This is written in white
ink on white paper.
They do it that way
so you can't read it.
Well, I did read it
and I'm canceling the contract.
Canceling? If it was that easy
to get out,
would I be here scamming
my closest friends?
We're your closest friends?
What... whatever,
I'm not accepting the shipment.
Jake, piece of advice: just give up.
It's the Boyle way.
It's why our family crest
- is a white flag.
- That reminds me, Charles,
- your shipment's downstairs.
- Great.
- I'll help you bring it up.
- Charles, no.
We're gonna go down to that
office and fight this thing.
I need that money for my honeymoon.
Oh, my God.
The honeymoon is on the line?
- And your money.
- Eh.
Okay, great. Whatever gets you onboard.
- Let's go.
- For the honeymoon
- and no other reason.
- All right.
Sergeant Santiago,
commander of the Nine-Nine's
uniformed officers,
- reporting for duty.
- Hey!
My first order as Sergeant,
tell me I look dope.
- You look dope.
- You won't be abusing
your power like this with the
officers downstairs, will you?
No! No, of course not.
I'm just excited for my first day.
Yes, I remember my first day
as a sergeant.
- I bet.
- My Uncle Geoffrey
was struck by a subway and maimed.
- Oh.
- But the work aspect
was quite exciting.
Are you ready for your first briefing?
Yes, I am fully prepared.
I just wanna establish myself
as a leader right away.
Just be confident, deliberate and firm.
You'll know you have their respect
when you can take a moment...
and still keep their attention.
- Amazing.
- That was captivating as hell.
My recommendation would be
you start with
a small, attainable goal...
something you can accomplish quickly,
perfectly and publicly.
The best way to lead is to
always achieve all your goals.
Cool. That's not a ton of pressure.
Well, it was meant to be. Pressure's
an important part of success.
Just remember, you represent
all Latina policewomen right now.
Thanks.
- ♪
♪
- _
Hello. Welcome to NutriServices.
I'm Angela. How can I heal you today?
Hi, Angela. Creepy greeting.
So not a big deal, there was just
a little bit of a mix-up and we
need to cancel our NutriContracts.
Absolutely. It happens all the time.
All you need to do is sign a few things.
Ah. See, Charles,
that is why you never give up.
- I'll also need $10,000.
- What's that? I'm sorry.
It's payment for the last shipment.
Plus the cancellation fee,
plus the restocking fee
plus something we call
a coward's charge.
And that comes to $10,000.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'll write you a check.
Is gratuity included?
Charles, no.
- Angela...
- Yes? How can I
- heal you today?
- Please stop saying that.
Look, you seem like a perfectly pleasant
robot person, but there's no way
we're giving you any more money.
Ohh. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
For the no payment option,
you just need to sign here.
"Enrollment in NutriCore"?
It's our charity organization.
"Pay off your contracts in labor hours
under the teachings of founder
Docter David Stovelman."
"Docter" is spelled with an E?
- It's the British spelling.
- That can't be right.
All right, look. I didn't
wanna have to do this,
but we're in the NYPD.
And if you don't cooperate,
we'll have no choice
but to file a report
against the company.
You signed a contract,
and that is binding.
No one gets special treatment, Officer.
- Not even Jay.
- Who?
Jay Chandrasekhar,
their celebrity spokesman.
Oh, no way.
The guy from "Super Troopers"?
Yep. He was also in "Beerfest."
Now I have to get back to work,
but allow me to introduce you
to our complaint specialist.
This is Phil. He's been
assigned to intimidate you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
Charles, stop thanking her.
♪ ♪
Hello, squad. I am Sergeant Amy Santiago
and I'm your new commanding officer.
I have big plans for us,
but it's always best
to start with something small
and do it perfectly.
So...
Sergeant, I know what
we should start with.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Officer...
- Jennings. Gary Jennings.
Officer Jennings, I already have a plan.
Okay, well, you just paused,
so I thought
you were looking for suggestions,
- which I have a lot of.
- Nope.
Not why I paused.
Anyway, our first order
of business will be
updating the filing system, so...
- We should use barcodes.
- No, no, no, no.
No need to jump in.
I already have a system in mind.
Okay, well you just keep stopping,
- so I thought...
- Ah... to pour water.
- Because I'm thirsty.
- Got it. Great.
Now, let's get into
the details of this with...
Oh, my God! What, Gary?
You're spilling water everywhere.
Yes, I am.
Because our first order of business
is cleaning this floor.
Charles! Charles, come here.
I figured out how to get our money back.
I knew you'd save our honeymoon.
- My honeymoon.
- Whatever.
Yeah, all right, so NutriBoom
is a massive financial scam, right?
If we can prove that, we could
take down the whole company.
Oh, I don't know. Are you
sure you wanna take them on?
They're pretty scary.
I mean, no one's seen
the CEO's wife in years.
People think she's been murdered.
That's just a rumor.
All right, here's the plan:
we infiltrate their headquarters
and get their financial records.
But how do we get in, you ask?
By attending today's meeting
of President's Club
Admiral Level NutriMasters
- at the NutriTower Life Base.
- I don't know,
they know we're cops,
we can't just walk in.
Correct. We can't walk right in,
but we know someone who's a high-level
NutriBoom distributor who can.
And he look exactly like you.
- Hey, guys.
- I don't know.
You really think it'll work?
Charles, it has to.
- It's for our honeymoon.
- [gasps]
You said "our."
Okay, the meeting
at NutriBoom HQ starts in two hours.
Charles, you're going as Bill
and I'm going as one
of your NutriCruits.
Bill, did you bring
those things I asked for?
Yep, all of my belongings
that you'll need
are in this suitcase.
[vibrating]
Why is it vibrating?
Is your cell phone in here?
- No.
- [laughs] I'm sure it's not a sex toy.
All right, these people
really know Bill,
so you're gonna have to become him.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but Bill, tell us all about yourself.
Let's start with
my whole family history.
I was abandoned
at a playground as an infant.
And here I am.
Oh. That was the whole thing.
Well, sad. But easier than remembering
a bunch of names.
Okay, tell us more.
Now, here's a list of all
the nicknames I go by.
Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew,
Big Dave, Super Thick...
Just write them all down for us.
And that's why the number
of belly buttons I have is...
- Two.
- One.
- Zero.
- Both: Ahh.
Both: Hello.
- Both: Hello.
- Hello.
That's it. Okay, now
let's work on your wink.
Almost. Now think,
only you and I know
our naughty little secret.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, I think Boyle's ready.
That's a no-go, Amigo.
If you really wanna pass as me,
you're gonna need to learn my patented
neck massage technique.
I think I've learned enough.
Yeah, I don't really see that coming up.
Thanks for your help, Bill.
So how did your
first briefing go, Sergeant?
Did you give the squad a simple goal?
Mm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.
Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.
- Mm.
- I assume it's been a success?
Oh... [scoffs] Yes. It's been...
all types of successes.
Rousing, resounding...
smashing.
Oh, it's good to hear.
Remember, failure...
is for failures.
Good thing I'm not a failure.
[laughs]
Guys, I lied. My briefing
was a total failure.
But you told Captain Holt it went great
in such a normal way.
I'm a terrible manager.
I've got this super eager
know-it-all on my squad
who keeps derailing
me with all his ideas
and I can't get anything done.
Aww, you got an Amy. [laughter]
- Oh, she's got an Amy.
- It's pretty normal.
Yeah, she got one of her, right?
Like a pet. Takes one to know one,
- I guess.
- No, he is not an Amy.
I am nothing like Gary.
Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy
- are the exact same name.
- Let me ask you this:
did he already send you
nine follow-up emails
- about the briefing?
- No.
- It was 30.
- You got an Amy.
Guys, I think I would know
if my Gary was an Amy.
[scoffs]
- Hey, Gary. What you reading?
- The new issue
of "Stationary Monthly."
Yeah, I have an Amy.
_
Bill. Is that you?
Yes, it's me, Bill. Hello.
- You seem different.
- Nope.
I'm still the same old Bill Hummertrout
who grew up in Bean Station, Tennessee
and shaves his armpits.
Anyway, meet the new recruit
I signed up.
New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!
Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry.
And I can't wait to get inside
and unlock my NutriFuture.
- Let me... let me in! Let me in!
- [laughs]
I love your energy. Boom, boom!
I love your energy. Boom, boom!
Okay, get up there.
Man, everybody here is so creepy.
Yeah. Is that Hitchcock and Scully?
- Boom, boom, Bill!
- Boom, boom!
Yeah, that tracks.
All right, let's get a move on.
The longer I stay here,
the more horrified I get.
I know. Have you seen all these posters
of David Stovelman's wife, Debby?
"I'm happy healthy and alive."
- Oh, Debbie dead.
- Debbie real dead.
All right, Bill said that the offices
are behind that roped-off area.
[sighs] We're gonna need a distraction.
Well, if I know cults,
this meeting will start
with an insanely over-the-top
nonsense video.
- Huh.
- Hello, Admirals.
Please turn your eyes to the monitors
for a special hello
from NutriBoom elite,
Jay Chandrasekhar.
Boom, boom, everybody!
All: Boom, boom, Jay!
- And there's our distraction.
- When I first met
Docter David Stovelman,
I had no idea my amino acids
could be so high
or so low.
Ugh, guys.
Gary is killing my productivity.
Terry, how did you used to deal
with having an Amy?
I didn't have to do anything.
You've always been great.
Cut the crap, Terry. I'm drowning.
Fine. When you got
too difficult to deal with,
I'd pull rank.
- Did that work?
- No. Not even once.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Well, you could always
just wait for Gary
to find his Jake and then eventually,
over time, they'll each become
10% easier to deal with.
Gary will never find love.
He is unlovable.
- Gina, what do I do?
- No, I don't know
how to deal with an Amy.
But there is this girl Wanda
in my Mommy & Me class.
She's such a pill.
She's so into her baby
and not into the other babies
and it's like,
oh, cool, well, congrats.
Your baby rolled over early.
- Like, who cares?
- I don't have time
- for this, Gina.
- And that is how
you deal with an Amy.
You talk about something
she's not interested in
- until she walks away.
- Ohh, brilliant.
[laughs] Stupid cult.
They labeled their financial
records "financial records."
[laughs] Dummies.
Uh-oh, Jake. We got a NutriBoomer
approaching at 12:00.
The file just started downloading.
- How much time do we have?
- I don't know,
- but he's a polka dotter.
- Polka Dotter...
- what does that mean?
- Of the eight types of walkers?
Polka dotters, drivers, arm swingers,
stompers... you don't know about this?
Nobody does, Charles. You clearly
just read some weird blog post.
It's infotainment.
Secondly, polka dot walkers
take short strides on their toes.
I don't wanna learn
about polka dotters right now.
Just get out there and stall him.
But... gah!
Hello, bud. Boom, boom.
Boom, boom. Bill.
What are you doing back here?
This floor's closed on the weekend.
You know me, just gotta stretch my legs.
I'm really sore from Pilates.
But NutriBoom doesn't allow Pilates.
It's a pseudoscience.
Right, no. Pilates is the name of my
most recent sexual partner.
Boom, boom!
Boom, boom. You seem off, man.
Your voice is different,
you're not sucking on
- your signature lollipop.
- Right.
I guess I just woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.
Since when do you sleep in a bed?
Why are you being so weird?
What are you doing back here?
I know what's going on.
You're fishing for one of
my patented neck massages,
aren't you?
- There's the Bill I know.
- Present and accounted for.
Now turn around and gimme me that neck.
You're not gonna do it from the front?
Well, of course. I mean,
that's how I do it.
[sighs]
Oh, that's the good stuff. Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
♪ ♪
Hey, where's my eye contact?
I got the files.
I told you it would work.
- Wait, what's wrong?
- They formed a line, Jake.
They formed a line.
Ugh... No evidence of wrong
doing in any of these files.
Credit where credit is due,
NutriBoom is good at criminal activity.
Well, they're terrible at making shakes.
Right? The only listed ingredient
is "foreign substance."
And the flavor is called
"Almost Cherry."
And I can't stop drinking it.
This is interesting.
There's a major transaction
- on June 10th.
- My dad's birthday!
You really think that's what I thought
- was interesting about it?
- I don't know.
It's a payment for
100 grand to ScepterCore.
Isn't that one of those
black ops security firms
- that ex-SEALs worked for?
- Yes, it is.
- And on June 10th...
- My dad's birthday.
Are you just trying to get me to
remember your dad's birthday now?
I mean, it wouldn't kill you to call.
We don't have time to talk about this.
Your dad's birthday is the same day
that Debbie Stovelman
went missing last year.
I bet the payment is a paper trail
for the hit Stovelman
took out on his wife.
This just became a murder case.
Maybe, but it's not enough
to open an investigation.
Right, but it is enough
to make Stovelman nervous.
- We just have to get to him.
- Oh, no.
Do I have to go as Bill again?
No, don't worry. He isn't big enough
to earn face time with the founder.
We have to take this
to the highest level.
Both: Jay Chandrasekhar!
Hey, Gina. Thanks for nothin'!
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I said, for nothin'.
Your boring story didn't work.
So my friend Wanda,
she just loves the oceans.
The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian...
Ooh, ooh! What is her take on straits?
Because I love the Bering.
We talked about
bodies of water for hours.
Damn, the Force is strong with this Amy.
Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but you should just do what I used to do
- when I needed to escape you.
- What did you do?
Literally escape you.
Always be on the move.
Never be static. Like a shark.
That way he can't catch your attention.
That's right! That is what we did.
- But you all did that?
- Mm-hmm.
[sighs] Okay, but Rosa, how did you...
Rosa? W-where did she...
Damn, you guys are good.
There he is. How did you know
he'd be at this coffee shop?
"US Weekly." He's pictured
here all the time.
He's coming out. All right, look,
this guy is into NutriBoom pretty deep.
But if we apply enough pressure,
we may get him to crack.
Copy that.
Hi, excuse me.
Mr. Chandrasekhar,
we wanted to talk to you
- about NutriBoom.
- All right!
- Boom, boom, guys.
- Both: Boom, boom!
- We're with the NYPD.
- Oh, my God. Seriously?
You guys have to save me.
- Can you get me out?
- What's that now?
NutriBoom is a scam and a cult.
- They've ruined my life.
- Really?
You look so happy in the videos.
You'd pretend to be happy too
if you knew what they did to me.
- Testicular torture?
- Yeah.
- [inhales] Ohh.
- Look,
we have reason to believe
David Stovelman
murdered his wife, Debbie.
- Yeah, duh!
- All right, Jay.
- Try to remain calm, here.
- Sorry.
- I'm just so scarred.
- Right,
from the nard torture.
Look, we have evidence
that could tie David
to his wife's death,
but we need your help
- to get to him.
- Yeah, I'll do whatever you want.
You have no idea how terrible they are.
Trust me, I do.
They took ten grand from me.
Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Okay, well, no need to compare stakes.
Although I doubt your dog
cost $10,000. [scoffs]
You can't put a price on life.
You're absolutely right. Thank
you so much for your help, sir.
- Sergeant?
- Aah!
I need to tell you something.
Great. Can't wait to hear it.
First, could you pass
that thing over there?
Sure, yes. Oh, what thing? I don't...
Sergeant?
- Sergeant!
- Oh, hey.
Sergeant?
Sergeant?
[sighs] Okay.
Let's finally get these shelves up.
Goes perfect.
Ohh! Oh, no.
Oh, there you are.
I was trying to tell you
not to use that wall.
It has water damage.
Noted.
So Stovelman will pick up Jay
and take him to lunch.
We trail them, and then
when they get comfortable,
ambush 'em with the intel
about his wife.
Wow. I can't believe we're
working a sting operation
- with a celebrity.
- I know.
I feel like we're in "Oceans 11."
You're such a Clooney.
- Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould.
- Wow.
Just skipped right over
Pitt and Damon, huh?
- I've been good!
- Oh, no!
- Those are NutriCore guys.
- They're taking Jay!
It's not a pick up. It's a throw in.
- Where's Jay?
- Hey, Bill.
- Boom, boom!
- No boom, boom.
- I am not Bill.
- Look, we're with the NYPD.
We saw two NutriCore thugs
kidnap Jay and bring him here.
- Now where is he?
- Bill, you're a cop!
- No, I am not Bill!
- If you don't cooperate,
we'll consider you an accessory
to this crime.
I don't know what you mean by crime.
Jay's just voluntarily hanging out with
some nutrition
specialists in the basement.
You can see for yourself
if you'd like, Bill.
I will see for myself,
but I am not Bill.
- Good one, Bill.
- Oh!
Get out of here.
- Jay! Oh, my God.
- Boom, boom, guys!
What? We saw them take you.
Are you okay?
What are you talking about? [laughs]
- Oh, the van thing?
- Yeah, Jay. The van thing.
Those are just my friends
from NutriBoom.
They were worried about
my amino acid levels,
so they rushed me straight here
to give me more or less of them.
Why are you talking like that?
What did they do to you?
- [dog barks]
- Oh, I see.
They gave you back your dog.
No, they found my dog.
He was wandering around a park
for a year.
Come on, man. Pull it together.
These people are evil, remember?
David Stovelman murdered his wife.
You mean me?
- Both: Debbie Stovelman.
- Boom, boom.
She is happy, healthy and alive.
Hey, Captain. Just wanted to say
sorry about the hole in the wall.
I've already called maintenance.
- Okay. Anything else?
- God, you're good.
You saw right through me.
I failed as a manager.
I couldn't deal with this overeager
officer who kept pestering me.
- Ohh, you have an...
- Both: Amy.
Yes, I know. We've been
through it a lot today.
Well, you should've come to me.
I know exactly what it's like to be you.
You used to be an Amy?
No, I never had your level
of insecurity.
I was referring to managing an Amy.
Of course. Well, I'm not sure
there's anything left to try.
No matter what I did,
he just kept interrupting me
with all his own ideas.
- Were they good ideas?
- I don't know.
I didn't listen to them.
Damn.
Did you just solve it that easily?
Yes, I did. You see, managing Amy
is not a chore, it's a pleasure.
- Because an Amy is a tool.
- I'm a tool?
Yes, you're a massive tool.
You're useful and valuable.
Sure, an Amy can be
intimidating sometimes
because they have such strong ideas.
But you should always listen to an Amy
because they will only make you better.
At least, that's my experience.
Thank you, sir.
Jay, would you please excuse us.
I believe there's a brand new motorcycle
with your name on it upstairs.
- You guys are the best.
- [chuckles]
Thanks for bringing my dog back.
He looks almost exactly the same.
- Come on.
- Boom, boom, Jake.
- Boom, boom, Charles.
- Boom, boom, Jay.
What's going on here?
- I thought you were murdered.
- I was never dead.
Then what was that 100k
payment to ScepterCore for?
It was to get you off the grid.
Because the Feds were investigating you.
You can't indict someone
who doesn't exist.
So you're still working for NutriBoom?
Working for? I am NutriBoom.
Look, your annoying little
crusade is wasting my time.
I want you to leave me
and my company alone.
Not gonna happen.
Now we know you're alive
and I bet the Feds would be interested
- in knowing that, too.
- Maybe,
but the fact remains,
I haven't committed any crimes...
that anyone can prove.
So you can try your luck with the Feds.
Or you can get your money back and go on
that expensive honeymoon.
How do you know about my honeymoon?
- I know everything.
- Oh, really?
Because you don't know about
my big ass moral compass.
Damn!
I'm going to the Feds,
and you're going down.
Also, can you tell us
how to get out of here?
This place is a real maze.
Oh, Officer Jennings?
Can I speak to you for a minute?
Of course. Nothing I like more
than one-on-one time with my boss.
Wow, it's like staring in a mirror.
- What?
- Nothing. [clears throat]
Listen, I wanna apologize.
I ignored your ideas
and that was a mistake.
Please, tell me your suggestions
- for the filing system.
- It's actually
five suggestions and 23 sub suggestions.
- And I...
- After the briefing.
Ohh. Copy that. [chuckles]
All right, listen up, squad.
We had increased criminal activity
in the park last night, so we'll be
doubling our patrols there today.
After the meeting,
I will be handing out new...
assignments.
Oh, my God, I did it.
The Feds said our intel could help them
maybe take down Stovelman someday,
- but they didn't sound hopeful.
- Well, I'm glad
- you did the right thing.
- Really?
Even though it means
we now have no money
- for a decent honeymoon?
- It's hard not to
say a really corny thing right now
about how every day's
a honeymoon with you.
Aww. Although, technically,
you did you just say it.
Which is very embarrassing for you.
Jake, don't freak out.
There's a really creepy guy
spying on us.
- [camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's just Phil from NutraBoom.
He'll be intimidating us from now on.
There's an evil corporation
hell-bent on destroying us.
Hi, Phil! Boom, boom!
Say, "Boom, boom," darling.
Boom, boom.
- Yeah.
No matter what we do,
he just won't leave.
The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.
- No, I'm definitely not.
- When you should
be thinking like a bird.
- _
- This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon.
On my mark, I will turn on this fan,
gently startling our bird due east,
into the file box canyon, where he will
encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together,
forcing Private Pigeon
into the ceiling there
and out of the ceiling there,
where he will be greeted by scary Rosa
holding a scary picture of an owl.
Now he's playing our game.
He'll veer left, into an
upside down garbage can
propped up by a hockey stick
and connected to a string
that Gina is holding.
She pulls it, he is trapped,
and Terry releases him outside.
- Terry hates birds.
- Okay, little friend.
Let's get you home to mama.
- [chopping]
- [screams]
Oh, God. It flew right into the fan!
It's everywhere!
There's pigeon everywhere!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Boyle.
- Hey, Jake.
- Wait, what?
- Hey, Jake.
Ahh! Bill, what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed to meet only
once a year for the Halloween Heist.
I'm here to deliver
your quarterly NutriBoom shipment.
It comes with both
the amino acid reducer
and extra amino acid,
so you get the perfect balance.
What? No. I only signed up
as a one-time payment bribe.
I'm not selling NutriBoom.
It's clearly a pyramid scheme.
First off, it's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through
medical marketing entity.
And secondly, you signed the contract.
"Permission to charge my card quarterly
for the next 85 years."
This is written in white
ink on white paper.
They do it that way
so you can't read it.
Well, I did read it
and I'm canceling the contract.
Canceling? If it was that easy
to get out,
would I be here scamming
my closest friends?
We're your closest friends?
What... whatever,
I'm not accepting the shipment.
Jake, piece of advice: just give up.
It's the Boyle way.
It's why our family crest
- is a white flag.
- That reminds me, Charles,
- your shipment's downstairs.
- Great.
- I'll help you bring it up.
- Charles, no.
We're gonna go down to that
office and fight this thing.
I need that money for my honeymoon.
Oh, my God.
The honeymoon is on the line?
- And your money.
- Eh.
Okay, great. Whatever gets you onboard.
- Let's go.
- For the honeymoon
- and no other reason.
- All right.
Sergeant Santiago,
commander of the Nine-Nine's
uniformed officers,
- reporting for duty.
- Hey!
My first order as Sergeant,
tell me I look dope.
- You look dope.
- You won't be abusing
your power like this with the
officers downstairs, will you?
No! No, of course not.
I'm just excited for my first day.
Yes, I remember my first day
as a sergeant.
- I bet.
- My Uncle Geoffrey
was struck by a subway and maimed.
- Oh.
- But the work aspect
was quite exciting.
Are you ready for your first briefing?
Yes, I am fully prepared.
I just wanna establish myself
as a leader right away.
Just be confident, deliberate and firm.
You'll know you have their respect
when you can take a moment...
and still keep their attention.
- Amazing.
- That was captivating as hell.
My recommendation would be
you start with
a small, attainable goal...
something you can accomplish quickly,
perfectly and publicly.
The best way to lead is to
always achieve all your goals.
Cool. That's not a ton of pressure.
Well, it was meant to be. Pressure's
an important part of success.
Just remember, you represent
all Latina policewomen right now.
Thanks.
- ♪
♪
- _
Hello. Welcome to NutriServices.
I'm Angela. How can I heal you today?
Hi, Angela. Creepy greeting.
So not a big deal, there was just
a little bit of a mix-up and we
need to cancel our NutriContracts.
Absolutely. It happens all the time.
All you need to do is sign a few things.
Ah. See, Charles,
that is why you never give up.
- I'll also need $10,000.
- What's that? I'm sorry.
It's payment for the last shipment.
Plus the cancellation fee,
plus the restocking fee
plus something we call
a coward's charge.
And that comes to $10,000.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'll write you a check.
Is gratuity included?
Charles, no.
- Angela...
- Yes? How can I
- heal you today?
- Please stop saying that.
Look, you seem like a perfectly pleasant
robot person, but there's no way
we're giving you any more money.
Ohh. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
For the no payment option,
you just need to sign here.
"Enrollment in NutriCore"?
It's our charity organization.
"Pay off your contracts in labor hours
under the teachings of founder
Docter David Stovelman."
"Docter" is spelled with an E?
- It's the British spelling.
- That can't be right.
All right, look. I didn't
wanna have to do this,
but we're in the NYPD.
And if you don't cooperate,
we'll have no choice
but to file a report
against the company.
You signed a contract,
and that is binding.
No one gets special treatment, Officer.
- Not even Jay.
- Who?
Jay Chandrasekhar,
their celebrity spokesman.
Oh, no way.
The guy from "Super Troopers"?
Yep. He was also in "Beerfest."
Now I have to get back to work,
but allow me to introduce you
to our complaint specialist.
This is Phil. He's been
assigned to intimidate you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
Charles, stop thanking her.
♪ ♪
Hello, squad. I am Sergeant Amy Santiago
and I'm your new commanding officer.
I have big plans for us,
but it's always best
to start with something small
and do it perfectly.
So...
Sergeant, I know what
we should start with.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Officer...
- Jennings. Gary Jennings.
Officer Jennings, I already have a plan.
Okay, well, you just paused,
so I thought
you were looking for suggestions,
- which I have a lot of.
- Nope.
Not why I paused.
Anyway, our first order
of business will be
updating the filing system, so...
- We should use barcodes.
- No, no, no, no.
No need to jump in.
I already have a system in mind.
Okay, well you just keep stopping,
- so I thought...
- Ah... to pour water.
- Because I'm thirsty.
- Got it. Great.
Now, let's get into
the details of this with...
Oh, my God! What, Gary?
You're spilling water everywhere.
Yes, I am.
Because our first order of business
is cleaning this floor.
Charles! Charles, come here.
I figured out how to get our money back.
I knew you'd save our honeymoon.
- My honeymoon.
- Whatever.
Yeah, all right, so NutriBoom
is a massive financial scam, right?
If we can prove that, we could
take down the whole company.
Oh, I don't know. Are you
sure you wanna take them on?
They're pretty scary.
I mean, no one's seen
the CEO's wife in years.
People think she's been murdered.
That's just a rumor.
All right, here's the plan:
we infiltrate their headquarters
and get their financial records.
But how do we get in, you ask?
By attending today's meeting
of President's Club
Admiral Level NutriMasters
- at the NutriTower Life Base.
- I don't know,
they know we're cops,
we can't just walk in.
Correct. We can't walk right in,
but we know someone who's a high-level
NutriBoom distributor who can.
And he look exactly like you.
- Hey, guys.
- I don't know.
You really think it'll work?
Charles, it has to.
- It's for our honeymoon.
- [gasps]
You said "our."
Okay, the meeting
at NutriBoom HQ starts in two hours.
Charles, you're going as Bill
and I'm going as one
of your NutriCruits.
Bill, did you bring
those things I asked for?
Yep, all of my belongings
that you'll need
are in this suitcase.
[vibrating]
Why is it vibrating?
Is your cell phone in here?
- No.
- [laughs] I'm sure it's not a sex toy.
All right, these people
really know Bill,
so you're gonna have to become him.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but Bill, tell us all about yourself.
Let's start with
my whole family history.
I was abandoned
at a playground as an infant.
And here I am.
Oh. That was the whole thing.
Well, sad. But easier than remembering
a bunch of names.
Okay, tell us more.
Now, here's a list of all
the nicknames I go by.
Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew,
Big Dave, Super Thick...
Just write them all down for us.
And that's why the number
of belly buttons I have is...
- Two.
- One.
- Zero.
- Both: Ahh.
Both: Hello.
- Both: Hello.
- Hello.
That's it. Okay, now
let's work on your wink.
Almost. Now think,
only you and I know
our naughty little secret.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, I think Boyle's ready.
That's a no-go, Amigo.
If you really wanna pass as me,
you're gonna need to learn my patented
neck massage technique.
I think I've learned enough.
Yeah, I don't really see that coming up.
Thanks for your help, Bill.
So how did your
first briefing go, Sergeant?
Did you give the squad a simple goal?
Mm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.
Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.
- Mm.
- I assume it's been a success?
Oh... [scoffs] Yes. It's been...
all types of successes.
Rousing, resounding...
smashing.
Oh, it's good to hear.
Remember, failure...
is for failures.
Good thing I'm not a failure.
[laughs]
Guys, I lied. My briefing
was a total failure.
But you told Captain Holt it went great
in such a normal way.
I'm a terrible manager.
I've got this super eager
know-it-all on my squad
who keeps derailing
me with all his ideas
and I can't get anything done.
Aww, you got an Amy. [laughter]
- Oh, she's got an Amy.
- It's pretty normal.
Yeah, she got one of her, right?
Like a pet. Takes one to know one,
- I guess.
- No, he is not an Amy.
I am nothing like Gary.
Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy
- are the exact same name.
- Let me ask you this:
did he already send you
nine follow-up emails
- about the briefing?
- No.
- It was 30.
- You got an Amy.
Guys, I think I would know
if my Gary was an Amy.
[scoffs]
- Hey, Gary. What you reading?
- The new issue
of "Stationary Monthly."
Yeah, I have an Amy.
_
Bill. Is that you?
Yes, it's me, Bill. Hello.
- You seem different.
- Nope.
I'm still the same old Bill Hummertrout
who grew up in Bean Station, Tennessee
and shaves his armpits.
Anyway, meet the new recruit
I signed up.
New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!
Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry.
And I can't wait to get inside
and unlock my NutriFuture.
- Let me... let me in! Let me in!
- [laughs]
I love your energy. Boom, boom!
I love your energy. Boom, boom!
Okay, get up there.
Man, everybody here is so creepy.
Yeah. Is that Hitchcock and Scully?
- Boom, boom, Bill!
- Boom, boom!
Yeah, that tracks.
All right, let's get a move on.
The longer I stay here,
the more horrified I get.
I know. Have you seen all these posters
of David Stovelman's wife, Debby?
"I'm happy healthy and alive."
- Oh, Debbie dead.
- Debbie real dead.
All right, Bill said that the offices
are behind that roped-off area.
[sighs] We're gonna need a distraction.
Well, if I know cults,
this meeting will start
with an insanely over-the-top
nonsense video.
- Huh.
- Hello, Admirals.
Please turn your eyes to the monitors
for a special hello
from NutriBoom elite,
Jay Chandrasekhar.
Boom, boom, everybody!
All: Boom, boom, Jay!
- And there's our distraction.
- When I first met
Docter David Stovelman,
I had no idea my amino acids
could be so high
or so low.
Ugh, guys.
Gary is killing my productivity.
Terry, how did you used to deal
with having an Amy?
I didn't have to do anything.
You've always been great.
Cut the crap, Terry. I'm drowning.
Fine. When you got
too difficult to deal with,
I'd pull rank.
- Did that work?
- No. Not even once.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Well, you could always
just wait for Gary
to find his Jake and then eventually,
over time, they'll each become
10% easier to deal with.
Gary will never find love.
He is unlovable.
- Gina, what do I do?
- No, I don't know
how to deal with an Amy.
But there is this girl Wanda
in my Mommy & Me class.
She's such a pill.
She's so into her baby
and not into the other babies
and it's like,
oh, cool, well, congrats.
Your baby rolled over early.
- Like, who cares?
- I don't have time
- for this, Gina.
- And that is how
you deal with an Amy.
You talk about something
she's not interested in
- until she walks away.
- Ohh, brilliant.
[laughs] Stupid cult.
They labeled their financial
records "financial records."
[laughs] Dummies.
Uh-oh, Jake. We got a NutriBoomer
approaching at 12:00.
The file just started downloading.
- How much time do we have?
- I don't know,
- but he's a polka dotter.
- Polka Dotter...
- what does that mean?
- Of the eight types of walkers?
Polka dotters, drivers, arm swingers,
stompers... you don't know about this?
Nobody does, Charles. You clearly
just read some weird blog post.
It's infotainment.
Secondly, polka dot walkers
take short strides on their toes.
I don't wanna learn
about polka dotters right now.
Just get out there and stall him.
But... gah!
Hello, bud. Boom, boom.
Boom, boom. Bill.
What are you doing back here?
This floor's closed on the weekend.
You know me, just gotta stretch my legs.
I'm really sore from Pilates.
But NutriBoom doesn't allow Pilates.
It's a pseudoscience.
Right, no. Pilates is the name of my
most recent sexual partner.
Boom, boom!
Boom, boom. You seem off, man.
Your voice is different,
you're not sucking on
- your signature lollipop.
- Right.
I guess I just woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.
Since when do you sleep in a bed?
Why are you being so weird?
What are you doing back here?
I know what's going on.
You're fishing for one of
my patented neck massages,
aren't you?
- There's the Bill I know.
- Present and accounted for.
Now turn around and gimme me that neck.
You're not gonna do it from the front?
Well, of course. I mean,
that's how I do it.
[sighs]
Oh, that's the good stuff. Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
♪ ♪
Hey, where's my eye contact?
I got the files.
I told you it would work.
- Wait, what's wrong?
- They formed a line, Jake.
They formed a line.
Ugh... No evidence of wrong
doing in any of these files.
Credit where credit is due,
NutriBoom is good at criminal activity.
Well, they're terrible at making shakes.
Right? The only listed ingredient
is "foreign substance."
And the flavor is called
"Almost Cherry."
And I can't stop drinking it.
This is interesting.
There's a major transaction
- on June 10th.
- My dad's birthday!
You really think that's what I thought
- was interesting about it?
- I don't know.
It's a payment for
100 grand to ScepterCore.
Isn't that one of those
black ops security firms
- that ex-SEALs worked for?
- Yes, it is.
- And on June 10th...
- My dad's birthday.
Are you just trying to get me to
remember your dad's birthday now?
I mean, it wouldn't kill you to call.
We don't have time to talk about this.
Your dad's birthday is the same day
that Debbie Stovelman
went missing last year.
I bet the payment is a paper trail
for the hit Stovelman
took out on his wife.
This just became a murder case.
Maybe, but it's not enough
to open an investigation.
Right, but it is enough
to make Stovelman nervous.
- We just have to get to him.
- Oh, no.
Do I have to go as Bill again?
No, don't worry. He isn't big enough
to earn face time with the founder.
We have to take this
to the highest level.
Both: Jay Chandrasekhar!
Hey, Gina. Thanks for nothin'!
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I said, for nothin'.
Your boring story didn't work.
So my friend Wanda,
she just loves the oceans.
The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian...
Ooh, ooh! What is her take on straits?
Because I love the Bering.
We talked about
bodies of water for hours.
Damn, the Force is strong with this Amy.
Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but you should just do what I used to do
- when I needed to escape you.
- What did you do?
Literally escape you.
Always be on the move.
Never be static. Like a shark.
That way he can't catch your attention.
That's right! That is what we did.
- But you all did that?
- Mm-hmm.
[sighs] Okay, but Rosa, how did you...
Rosa? W-where did she...
Damn, you guys are good.
There he is. How did you know
he'd be at this coffee shop?
"US Weekly." He's pictured
here all the time.
He's coming out. All right, look,
this guy is into NutriBoom pretty deep.
But if we apply enough pressure,
we may get him to crack.
Copy that.
Hi, excuse me.
Mr. Chandrasekhar,
we wanted to talk to you
- about NutriBoom.
- All right!
- Boom, boom, guys.
- Both: Boom, boom!
- We're with the NYPD.
- Oh, my God. Seriously?
You guys have to save me.
- Can you get me out?
- What's that now?
NutriBoom is a scam and a cult.
- They've ruined my life.
- Really?
You look so happy in the videos.
You'd pretend to be happy too
if you knew what they did to me.
- Testicular torture?
- Yeah.
- [inhales] Ohh.
- Look,
we have reason to believe
David Stovelman
murdered his wife, Debbie.
- Yeah, duh!
- All right, Jay.
- Try to remain calm, here.
- Sorry.
- I'm just so scarred.
- Right,
from the nard torture.
Look, we have evidence
that could tie David
to his wife's death,
but we need your help
- to get to him.
- Yeah, I'll do whatever you want.
You have no idea how terrible they are.
Trust me, I do.
They took ten grand from me.
Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Okay, well, no need to compare stakes.
Although I doubt your dog
cost $10,000. [scoffs]
You can't put a price on life.
You're absolutely right. Thank
you so much for your help, sir.
- Sergeant?
- Aah!
I need to tell you something.
Great. Can't wait to hear it.
First, could you pass
that thing over there?
Sure, yes. Oh, what thing? I don't...
Sergeant?
- Sergeant!
- Oh, hey.
Sergeant?
Sergeant?
[sighs] Okay.
Let's finally get these shelves up.
Goes perfect.
Ohh! Oh, no.
Oh, there you are.
I was trying to tell you
not to use that wall.
It has water damage.
Noted.
So Stovelman will pick up Jay
and take him to lunch.
We trail them, and then
when they get comfortable,
ambush 'em with the intel
about his wife.
Wow. I can't believe we're
working a sting operation
- with a celebrity.
- I know.
I feel like we're in "Oceans 11."
You're such a Clooney.
- Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould.
- Wow.
Just skipped right over
Pitt and Damon, huh?
- I've been good!
- Oh, no!
- Those are NutriCore guys.
- They're taking Jay!
It's not a pick up. It's a throw in.
- Where's Jay?
- Hey, Bill.
- Boom, boom!
- No boom, boom.
- I am not Bill.
- Look, we're with the NYPD.
We saw two NutriCore thugs
kidnap Jay and bring him here.
- Now where is he?
- Bill, you're a cop!
- No, I am not Bill!
- If you don't cooperate,
we'll consider you an accessory
to this crime.
I don't know what you mean by crime.
Jay's just voluntarily hanging out with
some nutrition
specialists in the basement.
You can see for yourself
if you'd like, Bill.
I will see for myself,
but I am not Bill.
- Good one, Bill.
- Oh!
Get out of here.
- Jay! Oh, my God.
- Boom, boom, guys!
What? We saw them take you.
Are you okay?
What are you talking about? [laughs]
- Oh, the van thing?
- Yeah, Jay. The van thing.
Those are just my friends
from NutriBoom.
They were worried about
my amino acid levels,
so they rushed me straight here
to give me more or less of them.
Why are you talking like that?
What did they do to you?
- [dog barks]
- Oh, I see.
They gave you back your dog.
No, they found my dog.
He was wandering around a park
for a year.
Come on, man. Pull it together.
These people are evil, remember?
David Stovelman murdered his wife.
You mean me?
- Both: Debbie Stovelman.
- Boom, boom.
She is happy, healthy and alive.
Hey, Captain. Just wanted to say
sorry about the hole in the wall.
I've already called maintenance.
- Okay. Anything else?
- God, you're good.
You saw right through me.
I failed as a manager.
I couldn't deal with this overeager
officer who kept pestering me.
- Ohh, you have an...
- Both: Amy.
Yes, I know. We've been
through it a lot today.
Well, you should've come to me.
I know exactly what it's like to be you.
You used to be an Amy?
No, I never had your level
of insecurity.
I was referring to managing an Amy.
Of course. Well, I'm not sure
there's anything left to try.
No matter what I did,
he just kept interrupting me
with all his own ideas.
- Were they good ideas?
- I don't know.
I didn't listen to them.
Damn.
Did you just solve it that easily?
Yes, I did. You see, managing Amy
is not a chore, it's a pleasure.
- Because an Amy is a tool.
- I'm a tool?
Yes, you're a massive tool.
You're useful and valuable.
Sure, an Amy can be
intimidating sometimes
because they have such strong ideas.
But you should always listen to an Amy
because they will only make you better.
At least, that's my experience.
Thank you, sir.
Jay, would you please excuse us.
I believe there's a brand new motorcycle
with your name on it upstairs.
- You guys are the best.
- [chuckles]
Thanks for bringing my dog back.
He looks almost exactly the same.
- Come on.
- Boom, boom, Jake.
- Boom, boom, Charles.
- Boom, boom, Jay.
What's going on here?
- I thought you were murdered.
- I was never dead.
Then what was that 100k
payment to ScepterCore for?
It was to get you off the grid.
Because the Feds were investigating you.
You can't indict someone
who doesn't exist.
So you're still working for NutriBoom?
Working for? I am NutriBoom.
Look, your annoying little
crusade is wasting my time.
I want you to leave me
and my company alone.
Not gonna happen.
Now we know you're alive
and I bet the Feds would be interested
- in knowing that, too.
- Maybe,
but the fact remains,
I haven't committed any crimes...
that anyone can prove.
So you can try your luck with the Feds.
Or you can get your money back and go on
that expensive honeymoon.
How do you know about my honeymoon?
- I know everything.
- Oh, really?
Because you don't know about
my big ass moral compass.
Damn!
I'm going to the Feds,
and you're going down.
Also, can you tell us
how to get out of here?
This place is a real maze.
Oh, Officer Jennings?
Can I speak to you for a minute?
Of course. Nothing I like more
than one-on-one time with my boss.
Wow, it's like staring in a mirror.
- What?
- Nothing. [clears throat]
Listen, I wanna apologize.
I ignored your ideas
and that was a mistake.
Please, tell me your suggestions
- for the filing system.
- It's actually
five suggestions and 23 sub suggestions.
- And I...
- After the briefing.
Ohh. Copy that. [chuckles]
All right, listen up, squad.
We had increased criminal activity
in the park last night, so we'll be
doubling our patrols there today.
After the meeting,
I will be handing out new...
assignments.
Oh, my God, I did it.
The Feds said our intel could help them
maybe take down Stovelman someday,
- but they didn't sound hopeful.
- Well, I'm glad
- you did the right thing.
- Really?
Even though it means
we now have no money
- for a decent honeymoon?
- It's hard not to
say a really corny thing right now
about how every day's
a honeymoon with you.
Aww. Although, technically,
you did you just say it.
Which is very embarrassing for you.
Jake, don't freak out.
There's a really creepy guy
spying on us.
- [camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's just Phil from NutraBoom.
He'll be intimidating us from now on.
There's an evil corporation
hell-bent on destroying us.
Hi, Phil! Boom, boom!
Say, "Boom, boom," darling.
Boom, boom.