Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Mr. Santiago - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered here today

to answer and age-old question.

Right, what's Amy's deal?
She single?

No, we're dating.
Come on.

The question is:

Who here does
the best impression

of Captain Raymond Holt?

You'll be judged on voice,

body language,
and overall lack of flair.

Everyone will perform
the same scenario:

Captain Holt
eating a marshmallow



for the very first time.

Let the Holt-off begin!

What is this glutinous
monstrosity before me?

The sugar in this
is quite sweet.

Ooh, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!

That's your Holt impression?

I can hear him doing that.

Looks like a sticky pillow.

I don't care for it.
Classical music.

[laughter]

What's going on here?
What are you doing?

Captain, hey, nothing,
just eating some marshmallows.

Care for one?

Marshed-mallow.



Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
[laughing]

I knew it!

♪ ♪

That concludes our briefing.

And now, on a personal note,

I have some thoughts
about Beyoncé's "Lemonade"

- I'd like to share.
- Oh, my God, sir,

as much as I want
to hear those thoughts,

and it is so, so much,
I think we should

probably let Amy speak.

Oh, Santiago,
the floor is yours.

Thank you.
Okay, here's everyone's

itineraries for Thanksgiving
at my place.

I know a lot of your families
are out of town,

and you just want to relax,
but I think we'll all enjoy

ourselves more if we
rigidly stick to the schedule.

Whoa, did you assign us
individual bathroom break times?

Keep asking questions
about it, Sarge,

and your slot is
after Scully's.

All right, Santiago, damn.

It's your toilet.

Sorry, it's just that

my dad is coming into town,
and he can be a little uptight.

Uh-oh, Santiago's
calling someone uptight.

That can't be good.

He's not crazy.
He's just the kind of guy

who arranges the money
in his wallet

according to serial number.

Yeah.
That kind of guy.

Boyle, are you set
on the turkey?

This year's bird will be
as moist as...

- Nope.
- As juicy as...

- Nope.
- As wet as you can...

Boyle, just say
it'll be good, man.

It'll be good, man.

Well, I gotta go
start getting ready.

Don't be late
or I'll slit your throats.

[laughs]

You don't have to fake laugh.
We know you mean it.

Good.

So, meeting Amy's dad
for the first time, huh?

- You nervous?
- Yeah, a little.

- I was talking to Jake.
- No, Sarge, I am not nervous.

I'm confident that I'll make
a great first impression

on Mr. Victor Santiago.

Why'd you do it
with a British accent?

I felt like
doing the Cuban accent

would be a little dicey for me.

- Very good call.
- Yeah.

My advice:
don't be overconfident.

The first time
I met Kevin's parents,

I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange"

opus 106 when it is,
obviously, opus 104.

They haven't spoken to me since.

Really?
Just for that?

Yes... also because
they're huge homophobes

who think that I made Kevin gay
with my magic genitalia.

That's super sad,
but I do like hearing you say

the word "genitalia."

Well, I am ready for this.

I pulled a full Amy and
researched the crap out of him.

Made this sweet binder.

Just a couple of factoids
about Victor:

He's an ex-cop, 65 years old,

married for 36 years, Cuban,
his favorite food...

Flavor First beefy dog food.

Wait, no, sorry.

That's his dog's favorite food.

His favorite food is...

corn.

Makes more sense.
Dog food's not in the name.

I know everything about him,
therefore I know exactly

the type of person I need to be
in order for him to think

- I'm good enough for Amy.
- No, Jake, you're fine.

Just flash him
your baby browns,

he'll love it.
Just be yourself.

Be myself?
Charles, I have one day

to win over Amy's dad.
How long did it take

before you guys
started liking me?

- Couple weeks.
- Six months.

- Jury's still out.
- See, Charles?

"Be myself," what kind of
garbage advice is that?

I hope you're not telling
Nikolaj that crap.

- [correcting]
- Nikolaj.

Ugh.

[classical music playing]

Okay, we're running
out of time.

What do you guys like better:
classic bishop hat fold

or crown fold?
Now, the crown is more showy,

but the bishop hat
has a certain dignity.

I'll kill myself
if it's not the crown fold.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Sometimes you have to pretend
to care about napkins

to stop hearing about napkins.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Had to get my ax sharpened.

Why do you have an ax?
Also, nice ax.

Thank you.
It's for the turkey,

so I can chop its head off
when it gets here.

- Chop its head off?
- I ordered a live turkey.

It's being delivered.
Because you know what they say:

The yummiest turkey is the one
that just died in your hands.

Charles, you can't
kill an animal in here.

That's horrible.
It's disgusting.

We won't let you do it,
right, Amy?

It's getting late.
Don't make a mess.

Relax.
It's not the first turkey

I've killed
in a friend's bathtub.

It isn't?

And now back to the Lexington
Thanksgiving Day Dog Show.

Oh, look at her.
Sloping, clean-cut,

forequarters, cocksure gait.

She's majestic,

and she knows it.

- Pimento's here.
- Ah, Adrian.

So you made it.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Is it?

Something wrong?

Feel no pressure
to talk about it.

Brass says
I can't rejoin the force.

Some crap about you can't
just disappear from your job

for seven months,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, well, that's unfortunate.

I know how much
being a cop meant to you.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I guess I could be a teacher.

"Sorry, Travis, the answer's

"obviously Istanbul.
What did you say to me?

"No, maybe you're wasting
your life.

"Sorry, Principal Ramos,
I didn't see you there.

"Wait, Travis is your son?
Hah, well, I guess you're

"just gonna have to fire me.
Fired? Me? How dare you, sir.

We will settle..."
See, it just wouldn't work.

Hmm.
You know, I had a friend

that had to retire
from the force.

He became
a private investigator.

Ooh, PI, huh?

- Mm.
- I like that.

[laughs]
"Hello, Mr. Branville,

"I found out where
your wife's been going tonight.

"Have a seat,
you're not gonna like this.

"She's cheating on you.

"What do you mean
you knew that already?

"You killed her?

"And are framing me
for the murder?

"I just left my prints
all over the crime scene.

Oh, you are an evil ge..."

This... this I could
get on board for.

- Hmm.
- Only problem is,

PI license is like, two grand.

I could lend you the money.

Think of it as an investment

from someone
who believes in you.

Wow, thanks, Captain.
That means every...

Whoa, hang on, you carry
a check book with you?

'Course, you never know when
you're gonna need groceries.

So cool.

- [beeping]
- Where are you?

Picking up Amy's dad
at the airport.

Ooh, that's a strong move.

Have you successfully
changed everything

about yourself as planned?

Oh, yeah, you wouldn't
recognize me.

I'm wearing a sweater,
I bought new shoes,

I put something on my face
called "moisturizer."

- It's amazing.
- Did you clean your car?

I did, but it didn't
really take,

so I just rented a new one,
but here's the best part:

I printed out a sign
especially for him using

his favorite font, Garamond.

Who has a favorite font?

The Santiagos do.
All of them.

Oh, here he comes.
Gotta go, bye.

Hey, Mr. Santiago.

I am Jake Peralta,
Amy's boyfriend.

Jake,
nice to finally meet you.

- You too.
- Ah, look at that.

You're a Garamond man, huh?

Of course, what other font
would I use, Cambria?

[laughter]

Amy said you were a crack up,
but I had no idea.

- Oh, it's working.
- What?

Excuse me?
Shall we?

- Let me get your bag.
- Sure.

The two hunks have arrived.

Hi.

So glad to have you here, Dad.

Happy to be here, tiger.

- How was your flight?
- Oh, good, good, you know,

- I did "The Times" crossword.
- Oh, great puzzle to do, right?

- Oh, my God, 17 down?
- Oh, I know,

- what about 16 across?
- What about 34 across?

Oh, what about 45 down?

Both: What about 20 across?

[laughter]

- I also did it.
- Yeah.

So Jake and I had a great
conversation on the way here.

You didn't tell me he was so
interested in mutual funds.

Uh...

Yeah, ugh,
Amy is so bored of hearing me

talk about allocation,
asset mix, attribution analysis.

These are just terms
I throw around all the time.

In alphabetical order.

Well, that's just
how my brain works.

I mean, how would you list
financial terms,

in random order?
What are you, crazy?

He's got a point.
I like this guy.

[laughs]
Yeah.

Oh!
Captain Holt.

This is my dad.

Captain,
heard a lot about you.

And I you.

Do you mind passing me
those crab puffs?

Oh, certainly.
There you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That was everything.

Yeah, pretty big night:

the three most important men
in your life under one roof.

Well, Will Shorts isn't here.

Oh.
Burn on Holt... probably.

That's the one
you were talking about.

The Cairn Terrier
is intelligent and inquisitive

with a bold personality.

[chuckles]
"A bold personality."

We know what that's code for:

you're the bitch.

Pimento is back.
How's the dog show going?

Well,
it's not without its drama.

Whoever groomed the Irish Setter
might want to think about

blowing his brains out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
how's that Wire Fox Terrier?

- Still in the lead?
- In the lead?

- I doubt she even wins her group.
- What?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
don't say that!

What?
She's not gonna win?

Ooh, I bet the check you gave me
on the Wire Fox Terrier to win.

Why would you do that?

That money was to help you
get a PI license.

Yeah, but I wanted to
pay you back fast.

You made it sound like
the terrier was a sure thing.

You said she was majestic.

They're all majestic.

This is a nationally-televised
dog show.

This is the big time.

Listen, mister,
I didn't give you that money

so you could throw it away.
I want it back.

We're gonna
pay your bookie a visit.

- What?
- And so help me God,

you better hope I don't miss
the "in memoriam."

If it's dead dogs
you wanna see,

I know where to get my hands on
dozens of them.

All right, choo-choo!

Here comes the veggie train,
leaving the station.

Next stop, a healthy body.

Terry has kids.
Just carrots for me.

I don't eat celery,
hate the stuff.

Oh, that's funny.
Me too.

Really?
Get out of town.

Even though everybody says...

both: They're basically
the same thing.

[chuckling]

I'm gonna go get a refill.
Do you want something?

Oh, uh, you know,
if they have it,

maybe, like, a dry Riesling?

- Excellent choice.
- Thank you.

They definitely have it.
I brought it.

Wow, you are really
pulling this off.

I know, all this research
is actually gonna work.

Should I prepare for things
all the time?

- Yeah.
- Nah, that's crazy.

Look, I can't believe
you memorized

that whole, huge binder.

Oh, I didn't.
I brought it with me

and hid it out on the stoop.

So do you have
a favorite watchmaker?

I do, but I actually have to
run to the bathroom real quick.

[seedy music]

Watches...

Gotcha.

I guess if I had to pick
one watch,

it would be NOMOS Glashutte.

It's a German company
based in Saxony.

Speaking of which,
I think I just dropped

a bit of a Glashutte
in the baño.

Steer clear.

The only downside is,
I've told him I have to pee

so much he thinks I have a UTI.

I wonder if he's ever had a UTI.

You know what,
I'm gonna sneak outside

and get the 411 on the UTI.
BRB.

He loves abbreviations.

♪ ♪

Hey, Jake.
You looking for this?

What?
Oh, no.

Boyle, your turkey's here.

All right, let's do this.

Pretty cool, huh?

I feel like Dexter.
I think.

I never actually saw the show.

Billboard gave me nightmares.

Charles, are you crazy?

No, I don't want to watch
a living animal die

and then consume its flesh.

How is this different
than eating a turkey

that's been killed in a factory?

Because I don't
have to see that.

It's called
living in denial, you moron.

Gina, I know it seems cruel,
but it's a swift death.

One painless chop
removes the head.

I mean, that doesn't
sound so bad.

And then its decapitated
corpse only flops around

for, like, half an hour.

You know what?
You won't be able to

go through with this if
I give this little guy a name.

He's now Nikolaj.

[gasps]
That's my son's name.

Go ahead,
cut Nikolaj's throat.

Sorry, Gina,
but we need a turkey,

and you're
the only one complaining.

I don't like it either.
It's not a fair fight.

Give the bird a gun,
then see what happens.

Sarge, this must
bother you too.

Yeah, but eating
a big drumstick on Thanksgiving

makes Terry feel like a king.

Sorry,
but it's five against two.

Wait, you assume Hitchcock
and I want to eat that turkey?

- Yeah...?
- Thank you.

Charles,
do what you need to do.

Copy that.

Uh-uh, no, hold up.

- Rosa, get the bird.
- On it.

I'll stand here and sacrifice
my life to Charles's bloodlust.

I'm not gonna kill you, Gina.

Huh, then you already lost.

No, where are you going?

Hey, you can run,
but you can't hide.

The apartment will run red
with the blood of Nikolaj.

Please stop calling him that.

So, uh, what are you
doing out here?

Sneaking a cigarette.
I just can't quit.

But you knew that, didn't you?
Page 136.

What is that strange book
you're holding?

I've never seen it before.

"Jake Peralta's Guide to
Tricking Amy's Dad."

What?
Who put that there?

Why did I use a title page?

Relax, Jake, it's okay.
Actually, I'm quite impressed.

- You are?
- Yeah, you did a ton

of research here.
You made a binder.

This is real Santiago stuff.

Yeah, I-I guess it is.
I even used tabs.

- The good ones.
- Yes.

There are good and bad types
of tabs.

- That's something we all know.
- I can't believe

you did all this.
You've got my family tree,

all of my case files,
lot of photos.

Yes, and might I add,

your ponytail in the 90s
puts Amy's to shame.

They used to call me
"The Lion."

Wow, cool nickname.

They call me "The Barracuda."

Well, I call me that.
I'm hoping it catches on.

I was wondering
what you thought about

one of my cases...

First Essex Bank Heist.

Yes, I read that one.

They got robbed the day before
their grand opening.

I never solved that one.

That bothered me for 20 years.

But I see that you wrote
a note here that says,

"Contractor did it,
so obvious."

Oh, what?

Well, you know us millennials,

we're always exaggerating.

But what I think
happened there is,

is that I was reading that file,
and I noticed

that the contractor,
Russo, was the, um...

- Obvious?
- Obvious suspect, but only

in the sense that he was
the only one who could've

possibly done it 'cause
he had the blueprint.

I talked to Russo.
He had an alibi.

Of course, of course.

But, you know, the name of the
company was "Russo and Sons,"

so... I figure probably, maybe,
definitely the sons did it.

Maybe. Probably.
For sure.

Sons?
Oh, my God, the sons.

I think you might be
on to something.

- Really?
- I don't know

how I missed that.

I bet they still live
here in New York.

We should go
talk to them right now.

I mean, if that would be okay.

"Okay," are you kidding me?

I would love to work
a case with you.

That's amazing.

Looks like The Lion is
gonna roar again.

And the Barracuda is gonna...

What?

[fluttering]

Anyway, you get it, let's go.

[knocking]

Your bookie lives
in a college dorm?

He's a freshman.
They don't let them

live off-campus first year.
Doi.

Hey, Adrian, come on in.
Happy Thanksgiving, man.

Can it, Alan.

Listen, I need the money back,

and I need it back now.

Aw, geez, I'm sorry.

I can't do that.
I placed the bet online.

It's not like I can cancel it.

You just placed the bet
online?

Yeah.
He could've done it himself.

It's really easy.

I kept telling him there's
no need for bookies anymore.

No, no, no, I don't mess
with computers, okay?

Ever since I died of dysentery
on the Oregon Trail, I was like,

no thank you.
I'm done with this.

Okay, look, the money's
already in the Caribbean.

There's nothing I can do.

Looks like we're going

to the Caribbean.

[imitates guitar riff]

You do know we're not
going to the Caribbean, right?

I didn't know that.
That is a bummer.

[grunts]
Come on, guys.

It's getting late.
Open the door.

Not until you promise
to let this little turkey

live out the rest
of his life with Rosa.

What?
Why can't it live with you?

I'm an ideas man.

All right, that's it.
You've left me no choice.

[exciting music]

There we go.

Thanks.

Now give us the bird.

Gladly.
Whoop, whoop...

Not that bird.

Don't take another step.

This ends now.

I am so sorry, girl.

Great party, but uh-uh.

All right, here it is.

Be free, noble bird.

Be free, fly away.
Fly to freedom.

Gina, turkeys can't fly.

- ["Jaws" theme]
- [gasps]

Why is he looking at me
like that?

[chattering]

Nobody make any sudden moves.

Yeah, and those talons
are super sharp, huh?

That thing's
a freaking dinosaur.

[all screaming]

[dramatic music]

[thud]
[turkey squawks]

So, where were you
the day the bank was robbed?

I don't understand, Dad.
What's going on?

- Well, honey, this man...
- The Barracuda.

Wants to talk to me
about something that happened

20 years ago,
and as I said to that man...

The Lion.
[hisses]

20 years ago,
I was in Pittsburgh

at a softball tournament.

Oh, Pittsburgh, interesting.

Home of the Bengals.

Home of the Steelers.

No, this is
the home of the stealers.

I set you up perfectly for that.

While you were busy
establishing an alibi,

your sons were back in Brooklyn
robbing the bank.

But we were at
the softball tournament too.

Oh, convenient you say that
now when you have no proof.

Didn't you guys
bring back a trophy?

A trophy's not really proof.

We also have a framed
photograph of the team,

a videotape of the whole event,
39 eye-witnesses,

a newspaper article about it,

and security footage
from the gas stations

we stopped at on the way
to and from Pittsburgh.

Okay, I gotta say,
it seems a little weird

you're so prepared
for these questions.

No, it's not.

My brother and I had to gather
all that information

20 years ago
when we got accused of

the exact same stuff by him.

Say what now?

Captain, you seem upset.

Are you mad at me
about something?

Yes, obviously.
I gave you $2,000,

and you threw it away.

Ugh, I knew that was it.
Stupid, Adrian, stupid!

- And it's not just the money.
- I know... you believed in me.

And I took that belief,
and I just dumped all over it.

Wait, Adrian,
an SMS text alert.

Just pulled my pants down
and squatted all...

Adrian, be quiet.

The beagle's been eliminated.

Our dog is in the top three!

[wheezing]

Put the dog show on, at once.

The game's on.

Put on the dog show, Hank!

It's in overtime.

So what was that?
You set me up?

You already knew
they had an alibi.

Of course I did.
I guess

I guess you must have
missed that fact

when you were putting together

your sloppy, lazy,
garbage binder.

What?
I thought you loved my binder.

You said
I used all the good tabs.

Those tabs weren't
even cascading.

Okay.
Oh, I see.

I think I know
what's happening here.

You're upset because Amy and I
have seen each other's butts.

- What?
- Oh, God, it wasn't that.

Please forget I said anything
about your daughter's butt.

You know why
I don't like you, Jake?

'Cause of my binder,
apparently.

No.

Because of my binder.

What, you think I wouldn't
do my own research,

find out everything I could

about whoever my daughter
is dating?

Okay, fine, but it's not like
you found anything bad about me.

I mean, look at this
credit score: 100.

- Out of 850.
- Oh, no, really?

This binder tells the story
of a sloppy, disorganized,

irresponsible individual

who's not allowed within
500 feet of Taylor Swift.

That was a misunderstanding.

You're not good enough
for my Amy.

I don't want my only daughter
dating a screw-up.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't want

my only girlfriend daughtering
a jerk-dad.

Burn on you.

- [phone buzzing]
- It's Amy.

Can I answer it?
Am I good enough

to have a conversation with her?

Honestly, no.

Well, I don't care.
I'm doing it anyway.

Hello, lover.
How's that butt?

What?
Are you with my dad?

I sure am,
and you're on speaker phone.

So feel free to tell me
all about your sexuality

and the intercourse we might
have together, getting it in.

I was just calling
to tell you there's a turkey

loose in the apartment,
but somehow that's not

the weirdest part
of this phone call.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.
Just had a real eye-opening

conversation with your dad.

I wanted his approval,
but he says

I'll never be good enough
for you.

- What the hell?
- I know, right?

- Tell him he's wrong.
- No, I'm upset with you.

That's right,
go get 'em, tiger.

I'm also upset with you.
What is this, 1950?

I can't date someone unless
I have my father's approval?

- Oh, obviously you can...
- You guys act like this is

your decision to make, like,
the woman doesn't even exist

in this equation.
Well, this woman...

- Wait, Amy, shut up.
- Excuse me?

I mean, I'm so sorry,
you were making a totally

valid point about gender
equality, but I just thought

of something really important so
I'm gonna hang up on you, okay?

Love you, bye.

It wasn't Russo or his sons.

Both: It was the daughter!

[dramatic music]
[chattering]

All right,
someone's gotta go out there

and kill that feathery bastard.

Rosa, you're always looking for
an excuse to behead something.

Don't look at me.

Terry wastes all that time
building muscles,

- make him do it.
- Oh, come on, you all know

these are just for show.
Gina's the one who set him free.

How was I supposed to know
there'd be consequences

- for my actions?
- Enough.

I started this.

I'm gonna end it.

[intense music]

♪ ♪

It's turkey time.

[toothbrush buzzing]

♪ ♪

[turkey squawks]

This is it, the final lap.

Bichon Frise dismissed.

We're the top two,
just us and that stupid

freaking schnauzer.

Come on, Wire Fox Terrier.
Come on, baby.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
The judge has made his decision.

Shut up!

Hold my hand, Captain.
Hold my hand.

And Best in Show goes to
the Wire Fox Terrier.

[yelling and exclaiming]

- I'm gonna live forever!
- Whoo!

[tense music]

Charles?
It's been quiet for a while.

Everything okay?

I was gonna chop
the heck out of this bastard,

but then he looked me
in the eye,

and I realized that
nature is beautiful.

He scratched you up
real bad, didn't he?

Yep, he got me good.

[all exclaiming]

It's okay.
Once I started

giving him gouda,
he showed me mercy.

So we're not eating
the turkey then?

Obviously not.

Hello, everyone.

Guess who just solved
a 20-year-old unsolvable case?

Wait, what?

You guys figured out who pulled
the First Essex Bank job?

Yep.
We realized

we never checked
the daughter's alibi.

She wasn't at the softball trip,
she had access to the plans,

and then she just confessed.

That's right.
We arrested a woman today

because we are feminists.

So, does this mean
you like each other now?

- Yep.
- Jury's still out.

- Uh-oh.
- Doesn't matter.

It only matters what Amy thinks,

and apparently she loves you.

I do.

That's the first time
we've ever kissed.

- Yeah!
- [laughs]

- The Wire Fox boys are back!
- Whoo!

Yeah!

[both barking]

I just won 70 grand,

So, Rosa, pack your bags,

we're going to Tampa.

‐ Tight.
Can't wait.

‐ Guys, I'm out of gouda.

[squawks]