Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Monster in the Closet - full transcript
The Nine-Nine throws a wedding for Pimento and Rosa.
Come in here!
Hey, papa's here.
Papa, I'm so scared.
There's a monster in my closet.
Oh, buddy.
Shh.
It's okay, I'm here.
Monster's aren't real,
my little Pierogi.
But I saw it.
It was big and hairy.
You just had a nightmare, buddy.
No, it was real!
I'm sure it felt that way.
But I am gonna open this closet,
and I'm gonna show you
that there's nothing in there.
Don't do that, papa!
See? Nothing... whoo!
Ah, hey, Chuck.
It's Pimento.
And now Nikolaj says
he's too frightened
to ever sleep again,
so that's just superduper.
I don't understand
what he's so scared about.
If I was there to kill him,
he never would've heard me.
A thing you told him
several times.
God, Nikolaj is having
such a rich childhood.
Can we back up?
What were you doing
in Boyle's closet
in the first place?
Well, I still had a key
from when I was crashing there
last year, and I wanted
to shower and anoint my body
with essential oils
before I saw Rosa.
Duh.
Well, she's gonna be
so psyched that you're back.
Where have you been
all this time?
Figgis has been locked up
for a month.
I was in prison in Uzbekistan.
It's actually not as bad
as it sounds.
I deserve this!
Why were you in jail?
Ah, I got shot down smuggling
ammo to a rebel group,
flying an old Soviet prop plane.
They tortured us.
Made me eat
my co-pilot's tongue.
Oof, now I've
got a taste for it.
The important thing is
you're safe and sound
and back in Brooklyn.
Thank you, captain.
Ooh, you smell good!
Wowza.
And end of hug.
Okay.
I'll see about
getting you reinstated
to the NYPD immediately.
I think this deserves
another hug.
Me too.
Nope.
One was sufficient.
Cool.
Pimento, you son of a bitch!
You're the son of a bitch!
Oh, we'll see
who's a son of a bitch.
Oh, yes, we will.
Aww.
It's so sweet.
And violent.
Yeah, this is awkward.
I'm sure they'll stop soon.
And it's escalating.
Let's go.
I left my phone
in the briefing room.
It's been 20 minutes.
You think they're still...
They're not doing anything.
Kissing just turned into talk.
It's like, why even work here?
Listen up!
We have an announcement to make.
When I was in that Uzbek prison,
choking on my own blood
because my face
was being beaten in,
I realized, life is funny!
That's what you realized?
Mm-hmm.
And it's short.
We're picking up
where we left off
when Adrian went into hiding.
We're getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
That's real quick.
Thank you, sarge.
And we want it to be beautiful,
and lush, and romantic,
just like a Nancy Meyers movie.
She's our favorite director.
Aw.
I love "you've got mail."
That's Nora Ephron, you idiot.
I know.
Wait, hold up.
Planning a wedding like that
in 14 hours would be
the greatest organizational
challenge in history.
How are you gonna do it?
I was kinda hoping you would.
I thought I was supposed
to get you guys
the wedding present!
Of course I will!
That's my girl.
All right.
Listen up, people.
The next 14 hours
are gonna be hell,
but in the end
you will have the satisfaction
of knowing that you've finally
done something worthwhile
with your lives.
I kinda think
the police work we do...
Eh-eh-eh!
I don't have time to stroke
your damn ego, sergeant.
Let's make a wedding!
Hey, Jake.
I need a wedding favor.
Of course.
Anything.
Except killing someone,
or maiming someone,
or breaking the law in any way,
or nudity.
Also I don't like waking up
super early in the morning...
You know what, why don't
you just tell me what you want?
Cool, I need to go
to Neustadter, New York.
I gotta pick up a pair
of Ruby earrings I pawned
before I went into hiding.
Neustadter's like
six hours away.
I'm not so sure we can
get there and back in time.
Jake, there's no wedding
without the earrings.
My grandmother wore them
on her wedding day,
and said they blessed her union.
Do you want this union
to be blessed, Jake?
Or do you want this union
to be friggin' unblessed?
Blessed, totally blessed.
I'll do it, it's fine.
But I should warn you,
my car is a piece of junk
and it's always breaking down.
Ah, come on!
The universe isn't gonna
let anything bad happen
to two best friends...
Unless we're in a fiery crash,
and our bodies are burned
beyond recognition.
Ooh, Gina's got jelly beans!
Pimento, no.
Bad.
Sorry, Gina.
That was amazing.
He actually listens to you.
Hey, you should come
with us on this trip.
You know, in case
he starts acting...
Bat crap loony tunes.
Yes.
You can use your powers
to keep him in check.
Yeah, people fear me.
Mm.
The only reason
I'm not your boss right now
is 'cause I'd hate
to do that to Holt.
He needs this.
And also you're not a cop.
Well, you're not the basis
of a character on "empire,"
Jake, but I don't throw that
in your face every damn day.
So you will come with us?
Yeah, I'll be there.
You da man!
Bye, girl!
See ya in the car, girl.
Okay.
First, the good news.
I've generated a detailed
timeline broken down
into 30-second increments
to keep us on track.
We're already 16.5 increments
behind schedule.
Oh, man.
Terry feels overwhelmed.
Good!
Use it!
Neil Armstrong was overwhelmed
when he walked on the moon,
but you know what he did?
He walked on the moon!
Charles, you're in charge
of food.
I've been planning
a nuptial menu
since the day I met Genevieve.
Warning, it will be delicious
and highly erotic.
Your menu is not gonna involve
animal genitalia, is it?
No, I was gonna make...
Not that.
Terry,
you're on hair and makeup.
I've seen your
little girls' pigtails,
so I know you can do it.
They actually prefer
my hair work to their mommy's.
I love their little heads.
Terry, what's going on, man?
It's just a matter of time
before I'm doing their hair
at their weddings.
It goes so fast.
They're still babies!
Pull it together, Jeffords!
Scully and Hitchcock,
you're in charge of seating.
Smart move, Amy.
I've been called
the Leonardo da Vinci
of sitting on my ass.
Great.
And, captain,
you can help me decorate.
I'm at your disposal,
just tell me what to do.
I'm here to implement
your vision.
Well, we just wanna
keep it classy.
Got it.
Balloon arch.
What?
Say no more, it's done.
I'm off to the nearest
balloon store.
Okay, Rosa.
You go to the office,
have a couple bellinis,
and just relax.
What's a Bellini?
Peach juice and champagne.
Peach juice and champagne?
What am I, six?
Come on, just try it.
It's what Nancy Meyers
would drink.
Fine.
For Nancy.
So, big day.
How you feeling, buddy?
Good, giddy.
I've never felt giddy before.
Didn't realize how close
it was to hungry.
You know, it's possible
you're just hungry.
When's the last time you ate?
Uh, three days ago?
Ah.
You excited for being married?
Yeah!
I love Rosa.
I can't wait to just jam
my tongue in her earholes,
and eat the hair off her head.
Hoo! I'm giddy.
Aw, that's cute.
All right, we're looking
for 381 Smith street.
It should be up here.
Hopefully they still have
your earrings.
You sure we're looking for 381?
'Cause 381's looking
a little crispy.
Oh, no.
It burned down.
How did this happen?
Uh, it's okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We'll think of something,
all right?
Nope!
This is a sign
from the universe.
I can't marry Rosa.
Guys, the wedding's off.
This is a disaster.
Come on.
I mean, they're just earrings,
right?
We can get another pair,
or we could make some new ones.
All we need is, like,
a blacksmith.
Or a smelter... a smelt man.
That can't be right.
The point is
you can still married.
No, Jake.
You don't understand.
The universe is
sending me a sign.
And when the universe talks,
I listen!
Well, I personally don't even
really believe in signs, so...
What?
Then you deserve to die.
Ah...
The sign was real.
If I ignore it
and marry Rosa anyway,
I'm basically asking the
universe to stomp on my balls.
Okay, good point.
Hey, Gina,
I could use your help here.
You wanna maybe
weigh in on this one?
Yeah, sure.
You're right.
The marriage is cursed.
What? No!
You weighed in wrong.
I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen.
And I'm not taking your side
against the universe's.
It's hundred of years old.
What if there was something
in the universe that could prove
to you that you
should still get married?
What would that be?
Finding his grandma's earrings.
Or we could cut Rosa's ears off,
and then it's like
the earrings
don't even make sense.
Thank you!
Someone's trying to help.
Okay, so the earrings.
Maybe somebody bought them
before the place burned down,
right?
We could track 'em down.
And lookee here.
I just got the owner's name.
That's good, right?
Okay, maybe there is
a little bit of hope.
You're damn right there is.
Suck it, universe!
Are you crazy?
Why would you even say that?
Come on, man!
How are the chairs coming, guys?
Shh.
We're working!
This one's good.
Okay.
So we'll go with that one?
No, I said it was good.
I didn't say it was right.
Wow, you're taking this
really seriously.
Amy, will you taste this batter?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
I think it's a little off.
You know what's off?
Your mouth!
Why Jake lets your stupid tongue
anywhere near him,
I'll never know.
Nope, I forgot the sugar.
That's on me.
Whoa, you really made
the balloon arch.
Made? No.
I birthed her.
There's no form more graceful
than the arch,
no object more whimsical
than the balloon.
Yes, you and I think that,
but...
What will Rosa think?
Good point.
Rosa would want a much,
much bigger balloon arch.
Back to the balloon store.
Uh, Amy?
We've got a problem.
What?
Rosa's drunk.
Rosa?
No. How?
Bellinis rule!
Nancy Meyers, you've done it
again, you saucy bitch.
For the last time,
I don't have your earrings.
They didn't survive the fire.
Aw, no, this is really bad.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean, maybe the universe
allowed something else
to survive, you know?
Like a rabbit's foot.
I don't think you understand
how pawn shops work.
I don't think you understand
how they work.
Yours burned down!
I'm so sorry
you lost everything.
I'm just really worked up.
No, please don't!
Okay, so...
I know that seemed like
a little bit of a dead end.
She's got the earrings.
She does?
She stole all the merch,
and then burned down the store.
She was wearing a necklace
that I also pawned there.
Oh, snap!
Signs on signs on signs!
Are you sure
it's the same necklace?
Uh, yeah, Jake.
I once punched it
through a guy's throat,
so I'm pretty sure
I remember it.
I stand corrected.
All right,
I'm gonna call the local police
and get a warrant.
Oh, don't bother.
Let's just kick down the door,
and take back what's mine.
No! No, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
He's right.
Just use the lattice.
The upstairs window's open.
No!
Nice!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to make
this wedding happen.
What are you doing?
Trying to keep us out of prison.
You know what, forget it.
I'll just deal with him myself...
Nope, he's already on the roof.
Aha! Yeah, dog!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Rosa, what happened?
Sorry.
I didn't know you could drunk
off champers.
I mean, it's half bubbles.
Don't worry, Amy.
I got this.
I'm a master at sobering up.
Are you sure?
Uh, you don't go
to the renaissance faire
every weekend in your 20s
without learning
how to handle your mead.
Great.
Thanks, Charles.
Mm-hmm.
Charles,
I'm getting married today.
Yes, you are.
And I'm gonna make sure
you are sober
when that happens.
Now I just need cayenne pepper
and some horse milk.
Marriage is the best.
Hey, how come you and Genevieve
aren't married?
Huh?
Uh...
You know, it's complicated.
No, it's not.
It's easy.
Bring her down here.
We'll all get married!
Yeah, right.
She doesn't want that.
Whoa, that sounds...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Uh-uh, no, no.
Everything's great with us.
I mean, if it was up to me,
we'd get hitched,
but she had
a really bad divorce, so...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Does that upset you?
I'm good!
Yeah, I'm good!
I'm so sad.
I love her so much.
I wanna marry her butt so bad.
To Genevieve's butt!
To Genevieve's butt!
Look at all this crap.
See, I told you.
They took all their merchandise,
and burned their store.
This is a bad idea.
We should leave now.
What? No.
All we're gonna do
is find the earrings,
and then light this place
on fire for revenge.
Check it out!
Rainstick.
Keeping it.
No, you're not.
That is a crime.
Untrue.
Once you steal something,
none of your stuff
belongs to you.
I've heard that too.
No, you haven't.
No one has.
Put that down.
Okay.
Gina!
Be a quieter robber!
But you told me to put it down.
Hi, we met earlier.
You're breaking into my house?
Or are you breaking into
our house?
Yeah.
Dino! Robbers! Dino!
Aha!
I found the earrings!
Dino! Get up here!
Yeah, Dino!
Get in here!
So you can watch me
light your house on fire!
Whoa! Okay, everybody,
just keep it cool.
Everybody be chilly chill chill.
I am gonna slice your face off!
Not chill, Dino.
Let me in there,
you sons of bitches!
Wait, wait!
The trellis won't hold all three
of us at the same time.
Smart.
Whoo!
Ooh!
That was awesome!
I love being a police officer!
That was the opposite
of being a police officer.
We just robbed somebody.
Who robbed us!
The universe is back on track,
baby!
We got grandma's earrings back!
And the rainstick!
Which you will be returning.
Uh, sure I will.
How are we doing on traffic?
Green all the way.
All right, looks like
we're actually gonna make it
in time for this wedding.
Thank you, universe.
Thank you for blessing
this marriage.
Okay, I know
what you're thinking,
but this is not a sign.
I just have to pump the gas
twice, and turn it back on.
This happens all the time.
Do you know where your dad hides his pot?
Yep. Damn it.
The universe doesn't want me
to marry Rosa.
Look, it's gonna be fine.
We'll get the car fixed
and make it back in time.
Gina, when's the tow truck
getting here?
No idea, I'm talking
to my spiritual advisor.
He says we have
an engine problem.
Yeah, I know, that's why
I said call a tow truck!
So you meant my spiritual
advisor is right?
Guys! This is my fault.
I should've just given up
when fate burned down
the pawn shop, okay?
Stupid Adrian.
Stupid Adrian!
Idiot! Read the signs!
Enough!
I'm so sick
of this garbage, all right?
The two of you need to stop
looking for signs everywhere...
Oh, my god, a sign.
Whoo! He can fly!
Prop planes!
You can fly, you can fly!
I'm a vessel for the universe.
Wow.
The chairs look amazing.
I can't believe you two aren't
my biggest problem today.
We're not?
Who is?
My arch.
Isn't she beautiful?
I got eye-rolled to,
not about!
While Pimento stares at Rosa,
we'll all be staring at...
Her.
Yes, we will.
She's truly breathtaking.
There's a double meaning
to that.
The breath that it takes
to inflate all those balloons.
Of course I used the hand pump,
but the bon mot still works.
Oh, no! What's happening?
Someone tell me
what's happening.
I got some more bad news.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
That thing's huge.
Didn't Rosa want things
to be classy?
I mean, she's getting married,
not finishing a marathon.
So says the hair guy.
Stay in your Lane, bucko.
Right, Santiago?
The arch sucks!
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to say anything
because you're my boss
and you were so excited,
but the truth is every time
I look at it I wanna die
and take you with me.
Well, I wish
you'd said something
before I spent
all day making it.
Of course, you didn't want to...
"Burst my bubble."
Pun intended.
And then...
You did.
Forget the arch!
Charles didn't sober up Rosa.
She got him drunk!
Oh, no.
How drunk is he?
Remember the night
they cancelled "bunheads"?
We're ruined.
It's fine.
I'll handle it.
You got your hands full.
Yeah.
This is just 18 shots
of Espresso.
It got me through the first
three months of having twins,
but I imagine it'll
sober you up too.
Aww, he's taking care of you.
Such a good father.
Ugh, I miss my father.
I used to be daddy's little
girl, but we never talk anymore.
You don't?
That's what happens.
You grow up,
your bond with your dad goes...
No, it doesn't always happen.
All right, not to special
daddies who put the time in.
You know, read them stories,
do their little pigtails.
Really, sarge?
Who do you think
used to do my pigtails?
Why can't they
stay babies forever?
Berlini!
Bellini!
Bellini!
Okay, this is very scary,
but it's okay,
because you're a trained pilot.
No, I'm not.
I'm self-taught.
What?
Oh, yeah.
You can learn anything online.
Ooh, you should see me
do origami.
Oh, do you know
how to do a frog?
Oh, no!
Can you do a swan?
No.
Can you do a crane?
What's a crane?
Okay, he does not know
how to fly a plane.
All right, food is ready,
decorations are set,
guests should start arriving
any moment,
and the chairs
are still perfection.
She said they're perfection.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
It was you.
You made this happen.
All right!
Let's show Rosa what we got.
Wait.
Where is Rosa?
Narc.
And that's why
you shouldn't drink.
Being drunk sounds terrible.
Hello, Amy,
I didn't see you there.
How did the wedding go?
Terry!
What the hell, man?
You said you were gonna
sober them up.
It was her fault.
My girls are never gonna grow up
and lose their virginity.
I lost my v-card to the woman
that refilled Nana's
oxygen tanks.
Her hands were so strong
from turning the nozzles.
This is a room of nightmares.
You're the nightmare.
You made me kill
my balloon baby.
Look at me.
So drunk, I'm alliterating
like a beatnik.
Okay, everybody outside now!
Just know that you brought this
on yourselves.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Can't we just go to sleep
for a winker?
We're way past winkers.
Scully, Hitchcock,
bring the frost.
No!
Nice job, you two.
We are nailing it today!
Hey!
We're back.
Pimento's got the earrings,
guests are arriving...
What the hell are you doing?
Sobering these clowns up.
All right,
everyone go get dressed.
You would not believe
the day I've had.
You and me both, sister.
Rosa got drunk,
and then every time
I sent someone in to help her,
she got them drunk too!
It's like she was trying
to tank this thing.
Yeah, well, Pimento called off
the wedding three times
because of the universe.
If I didn't know them
any better, I'd think they
don't even wanna get married.
They don't wanna get married!
You two have no idea what you've
gotten yourselves into do you?
No, right?
Right?
It's their decision,
even if it's a bad one.
They could always get divorced.
People love getting divorced!
My parents got divorced,
and all it did was scar our
family for years and years.
We have to say something.
Yeah.
I suppose I can see
how a balloon arch
might've been a little too much.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
No, you're supposed to say,
"this wedding looks
like garbage."
This wedding looks like garbage.
No, no.
As long as the bride's happy.
Hey there, everyone.
Great wedding so far, right?
Uh, next up,
we're gonna take a quick break,
which happens at every wedding,
but in the meantime,
how about a little
entertainment?
Boyle?
You got your devil sticks?
Always.
Hey, Adrian.
Yeah.
We gotta talk.
Really? Right now?
I'm working on my vows.
Hey!
What rhymes with juicy heinie?
Nothing.
Nothing rhymes with that.
I would cut that line.
But that's all I have.
Forget it.
The thing I wanna say is,
maybe the universe wasn't
telling you stuff today.
Maybe you were telling
yourself something.
Telling myself what?
Yeah, tell himself what?
What are you doing here?
I'm a part of this journey.
Don't you dare
try to cut me out.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks, Amy.
I'm super nervous.
Kinda wish I was still drunk.
Yeah.
About that...
I think we should talk.
Why?
Are you packing a Bellini?
Look, I spent the whole day
denying the fact
that there were signs,
but I was wrong.
They were actually there.
So far, duh.
The fact that you kept
cancelling your own wedding...
That was the real sign.
Whoa!
You took the situation,
and you flippity-flopped it.
I don't think it was
an accident that you got drunk,
or that you got
everyone else drunk.
What? You think I'm trying
to sabotage my own wedding?
I don't know.
Were you?
Maybe I was.
I don't know, something
just doesn't feel right.
Oh, man, I gotta talk to Adrian.
I was my own sign
the whole time?
Wow, that's a real
M. Night Shyamalan twist the...
Oh!
"Signs"!
Wait, do you think
he's behind all of this?
I do not.
I should go talk to Rosa.
Thanks, Jake.
Jake, you done good, kid.
Glad I took you along
for the ride.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
All right,
give it up for Charles.
Yeah!
No, give it up
for the devil sticks.
They're the real heroes here.
No, they are not.
No one thinks that.
All right, I'm not sure
how much time we have,
but anybody know a joke?
Oh, I do!
Two Jews walk into a...
No! Sit down!
No, definitely not.
Oh!
All right,
we have an announcement to make.
We're not getting married.
Aww!
You can shove those "awws"
up your butts.
Yeah, or I'll come out there,
and I'll do it for ya!
What an interesting event.
I just feel like
we were rushing things.
We love each other,
but we haven't even really
spent that much time together.
We've never even been
on a real date,
so we're gonna start there.
Shut up!
Thank you for the presents.
We're keeping them.
All of them.
Yeah, if you got a problem
with it, come talk to us
in the parking lot.
Also, in just 14 hours
Amy put together
the most amazing
non-wedding wedding in history.
Better than
"sleepless in Seattle."
Nope.
That is also Nora Ephron.
Kill yourself.
Don't take it personally.
Anyway, we can't let all this
go to waste.
Everybody, clear these chairs
out of here, and let's get
this party started.
No, not the chairs!
Don't touch the chairs,
you monsters!
Yeah?
Oh, I just wanted to thank you
for all your help yesterday.
I didn't do much.
It was nothing.
Good day.
What's going on?
I'm just very busy.
Get back to work.
Wait.
What do you have in there?
A balloon arch.
Oh, my god, captain.
She is magnificent.
:16:06,250
How did the wedding go?
Terry!
What the hell, man?
You said you were gonna
sober them up.
It was her fault.
My girls are never gonna grow up
and lose their virginity.
I lost my v-card to the woman
that refilled Nana's
oxygen tanks.
Her hands were so strong
from turning the nozzles.
This is a room of nightmares.
You're the nightmare.
You made me kill
my balloon baby.
Look at me.
So drunk, I'm alliterating
like a beatnik.
Okay, everybody outside now!
Just know that you brought this
on yourselves.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Can't we just go to sleep
for a winker?
We're way past winkers.
Scully, Hitchcock,
bring the frost.
No!
Nice job, you two.
We are nailing it today!
Hey!
We're back.
Pimento's got the earrings,
guests are arriving...
What the hell are you doing?
Sobering these clowns up.
All right,
everyone go get dressed.
You would not believe
the day I've had.
You and me both, sister.
Rosa got drunk,
and then every time
I sent someone in to help her,
she got them drunk too!
It's like she was trying
to tank this thing.
Yeah, well, Pimento called off
the wedding three times
because of the universe.
If I didn't know them
any better, I'd think they
don't even wanna get married.
They don't wanna get married!
You two have no idea what you've
gotten yourselves into do you?
No, right?
Right?
It's their decision,
even if it's a bad one.
They could always get divorced.
People love getting divorced!
My parents got divorced,
and all it did was scar our
family for years and years.
We have to say something.
Yeah.
I suppose I can see
how a balloon arch
might've been a little too much.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
No, you're supposed to say,
"this wedding looks
like garbage."
This wedding looks like garbage.
No, no.
As long as the bride's happy.
Hey there, everyone.
Great wedding so far, right?
Uh, next up,
we're gonna take a quick break,
which happens at every wedding,
but in the meantime,
how about a little
entertainment?
Boyle?
You got your devil sticks?
Always.
Hey, Adrian.
Yeah.
We gotta talk.
Really? Right now?
I'm working on my vows.
Hey!
What rhymes with juicy heinie?
Nothing.
Nothing rhymes with that.
I would cut that line.
But that's all I have.
Forget it.
The thing I wanna say is,
maybe the universe wasn't
telling you stuff today.
Maybe you were telling
yourself something.
Telling myself what?
Yeah, tell himself what?
What are you doing here?
I'm a part of this journey.
Don't you dare
try to cut me out.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks, Amy.
I'm super nervous.
555
00:18:34,310
Hey, papa's here.
Papa, I'm so scared.
There's a monster in my closet.
Oh, buddy.
Shh.
It's okay, I'm here.
Monster's aren't real,
my little Pierogi.
But I saw it.
It was big and hairy.
You just had a nightmare, buddy.
No, it was real!
I'm sure it felt that way.
But I am gonna open this closet,
and I'm gonna show you
that there's nothing in there.
Don't do that, papa!
See? Nothing... whoo!
Ah, hey, Chuck.
It's Pimento.
And now Nikolaj says
he's too frightened
to ever sleep again,
so that's just superduper.
I don't understand
what he's so scared about.
If I was there to kill him,
he never would've heard me.
A thing you told him
several times.
God, Nikolaj is having
such a rich childhood.
Can we back up?
What were you doing
in Boyle's closet
in the first place?
Well, I still had a key
from when I was crashing there
last year, and I wanted
to shower and anoint my body
with essential oils
before I saw Rosa.
Duh.
Well, she's gonna be
so psyched that you're back.
Where have you been
all this time?
Figgis has been locked up
for a month.
I was in prison in Uzbekistan.
It's actually not as bad
as it sounds.
I deserve this!
Why were you in jail?
Ah, I got shot down smuggling
ammo to a rebel group,
flying an old Soviet prop plane.
They tortured us.
Made me eat
my co-pilot's tongue.
Oof, now I've
got a taste for it.
The important thing is
you're safe and sound
and back in Brooklyn.
Thank you, captain.
Ooh, you smell good!
Wowza.
And end of hug.
Okay.
I'll see about
getting you reinstated
to the NYPD immediately.
I think this deserves
another hug.
Me too.
Nope.
One was sufficient.
Cool.
Pimento, you son of a bitch!
You're the son of a bitch!
Oh, we'll see
who's a son of a bitch.
Oh, yes, we will.
Aww.
It's so sweet.
And violent.
Yeah, this is awkward.
I'm sure they'll stop soon.
And it's escalating.
Let's go.
I left my phone
in the briefing room.
It's been 20 minutes.
You think they're still...
They're not doing anything.
Kissing just turned into talk.
It's like, why even work here?
Listen up!
We have an announcement to make.
When I was in that Uzbek prison,
choking on my own blood
because my face
was being beaten in,
I realized, life is funny!
That's what you realized?
Mm-hmm.
And it's short.
We're picking up
where we left off
when Adrian went into hiding.
We're getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
That's real quick.
Thank you, sarge.
And we want it to be beautiful,
and lush, and romantic,
just like a Nancy Meyers movie.
She's our favorite director.
Aw.
I love "you've got mail."
That's Nora Ephron, you idiot.
I know.
Wait, hold up.
Planning a wedding like that
in 14 hours would be
the greatest organizational
challenge in history.
How are you gonna do it?
I was kinda hoping you would.
I thought I was supposed
to get you guys
the wedding present!
Of course I will!
That's my girl.
All right.
Listen up, people.
The next 14 hours
are gonna be hell,
but in the end
you will have the satisfaction
of knowing that you've finally
done something worthwhile
with your lives.
I kinda think
the police work we do...
Eh-eh-eh!
I don't have time to stroke
your damn ego, sergeant.
Let's make a wedding!
Hey, Jake.
I need a wedding favor.
Of course.
Anything.
Except killing someone,
or maiming someone,
or breaking the law in any way,
or nudity.
Also I don't like waking up
super early in the morning...
You know what, why don't
you just tell me what you want?
Cool, I need to go
to Neustadter, New York.
I gotta pick up a pair
of Ruby earrings I pawned
before I went into hiding.
Neustadter's like
six hours away.
I'm not so sure we can
get there and back in time.
Jake, there's no wedding
without the earrings.
My grandmother wore them
on her wedding day,
and said they blessed her union.
Do you want this union
to be blessed, Jake?
Or do you want this union
to be friggin' unblessed?
Blessed, totally blessed.
I'll do it, it's fine.
But I should warn you,
my car is a piece of junk
and it's always breaking down.
Ah, come on!
The universe isn't gonna
let anything bad happen
to two best friends...
Unless we're in a fiery crash,
and our bodies are burned
beyond recognition.
Ooh, Gina's got jelly beans!
Pimento, no.
Bad.
Sorry, Gina.
That was amazing.
He actually listens to you.
Hey, you should come
with us on this trip.
You know, in case
he starts acting...
Bat crap loony tunes.
Yes.
You can use your powers
to keep him in check.
Yeah, people fear me.
Mm.
The only reason
I'm not your boss right now
is 'cause I'd hate
to do that to Holt.
He needs this.
And also you're not a cop.
Well, you're not the basis
of a character on "empire,"
Jake, but I don't throw that
in your face every damn day.
So you will come with us?
Yeah, I'll be there.
You da man!
Bye, girl!
See ya in the car, girl.
Okay.
First, the good news.
I've generated a detailed
timeline broken down
into 30-second increments
to keep us on track.
We're already 16.5 increments
behind schedule.
Oh, man.
Terry feels overwhelmed.
Good!
Use it!
Neil Armstrong was overwhelmed
when he walked on the moon,
but you know what he did?
He walked on the moon!
Charles, you're in charge
of food.
I've been planning
a nuptial menu
since the day I met Genevieve.
Warning, it will be delicious
and highly erotic.
Your menu is not gonna involve
animal genitalia, is it?
No, I was gonna make...
Not that.
Terry,
you're on hair and makeup.
I've seen your
little girls' pigtails,
so I know you can do it.
They actually prefer
my hair work to their mommy's.
I love their little heads.
Terry, what's going on, man?
It's just a matter of time
before I'm doing their hair
at their weddings.
It goes so fast.
They're still babies!
Pull it together, Jeffords!
Scully and Hitchcock,
you're in charge of seating.
Smart move, Amy.
I've been called
the Leonardo da Vinci
of sitting on my ass.
Great.
And, captain,
you can help me decorate.
I'm at your disposal,
just tell me what to do.
I'm here to implement
your vision.
Well, we just wanna
keep it classy.
Got it.
Balloon arch.
What?
Say no more, it's done.
I'm off to the nearest
balloon store.
Okay, Rosa.
You go to the office,
have a couple bellinis,
and just relax.
What's a Bellini?
Peach juice and champagne.
Peach juice and champagne?
What am I, six?
Come on, just try it.
It's what Nancy Meyers
would drink.
Fine.
For Nancy.
So, big day.
How you feeling, buddy?
Good, giddy.
I've never felt giddy before.
Didn't realize how close
it was to hungry.
You know, it's possible
you're just hungry.
When's the last time you ate?
Uh, three days ago?
Ah.
You excited for being married?
Yeah!
I love Rosa.
I can't wait to just jam
my tongue in her earholes,
and eat the hair off her head.
Hoo! I'm giddy.
Aw, that's cute.
All right, we're looking
for 381 Smith street.
It should be up here.
Hopefully they still have
your earrings.
You sure we're looking for 381?
'Cause 381's looking
a little crispy.
Oh, no.
It burned down.
How did this happen?
Uh, it's okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We'll think of something,
all right?
Nope!
This is a sign
from the universe.
I can't marry Rosa.
Guys, the wedding's off.
This is a disaster.
Come on.
I mean, they're just earrings,
right?
We can get another pair,
or we could make some new ones.
All we need is, like,
a blacksmith.
Or a smelter... a smelt man.
That can't be right.
The point is
you can still married.
No, Jake.
You don't understand.
The universe is
sending me a sign.
And when the universe talks,
I listen!
Well, I personally don't even
really believe in signs, so...
What?
Then you deserve to die.
Ah...
The sign was real.
If I ignore it
and marry Rosa anyway,
I'm basically asking the
universe to stomp on my balls.
Okay, good point.
Hey, Gina,
I could use your help here.
You wanna maybe
weigh in on this one?
Yeah, sure.
You're right.
The marriage is cursed.
What? No!
You weighed in wrong.
I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen.
And I'm not taking your side
against the universe's.
It's hundred of years old.
What if there was something
in the universe that could prove
to you that you
should still get married?
What would that be?
Finding his grandma's earrings.
Or we could cut Rosa's ears off,
and then it's like
the earrings
don't even make sense.
Thank you!
Someone's trying to help.
Okay, so the earrings.
Maybe somebody bought them
before the place burned down,
right?
We could track 'em down.
And lookee here.
I just got the owner's name.
That's good, right?
Okay, maybe there is
a little bit of hope.
You're damn right there is.
Suck it, universe!
Are you crazy?
Why would you even say that?
Come on, man!
How are the chairs coming, guys?
Shh.
We're working!
This one's good.
Okay.
So we'll go with that one?
No, I said it was good.
I didn't say it was right.
Wow, you're taking this
really seriously.
Amy, will you taste this batter?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
I think it's a little off.
You know what's off?
Your mouth!
Why Jake lets your stupid tongue
anywhere near him,
I'll never know.
Nope, I forgot the sugar.
That's on me.
Whoa, you really made
the balloon arch.
Made? No.
I birthed her.
There's no form more graceful
than the arch,
no object more whimsical
than the balloon.
Yes, you and I think that,
but...
What will Rosa think?
Good point.
Rosa would want a much,
much bigger balloon arch.
Back to the balloon store.
Uh, Amy?
We've got a problem.
What?
Rosa's drunk.
Rosa?
No. How?
Bellinis rule!
Nancy Meyers, you've done it
again, you saucy bitch.
For the last time,
I don't have your earrings.
They didn't survive the fire.
Aw, no, this is really bad.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean, maybe the universe
allowed something else
to survive, you know?
Like a rabbit's foot.
I don't think you understand
how pawn shops work.
I don't think you understand
how they work.
Yours burned down!
I'm so sorry
you lost everything.
I'm just really worked up.
No, please don't!
Okay, so...
I know that seemed like
a little bit of a dead end.
She's got the earrings.
She does?
She stole all the merch,
and then burned down the store.
She was wearing a necklace
that I also pawned there.
Oh, snap!
Signs on signs on signs!
Are you sure
it's the same necklace?
Uh, yeah, Jake.
I once punched it
through a guy's throat,
so I'm pretty sure
I remember it.
I stand corrected.
All right,
I'm gonna call the local police
and get a warrant.
Oh, don't bother.
Let's just kick down the door,
and take back what's mine.
No! No, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
He's right.
Just use the lattice.
The upstairs window's open.
No!
Nice!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to make
this wedding happen.
What are you doing?
Trying to keep us out of prison.
You know what, forget it.
I'll just deal with him myself...
Nope, he's already on the roof.
Aha! Yeah, dog!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Rosa, what happened?
Sorry.
I didn't know you could drunk
off champers.
I mean, it's half bubbles.
Don't worry, Amy.
I got this.
I'm a master at sobering up.
Are you sure?
Uh, you don't go
to the renaissance faire
every weekend in your 20s
without learning
how to handle your mead.
Great.
Thanks, Charles.
Mm-hmm.
Charles,
I'm getting married today.
Yes, you are.
And I'm gonna make sure
you are sober
when that happens.
Now I just need cayenne pepper
and some horse milk.
Marriage is the best.
Hey, how come you and Genevieve
aren't married?
Huh?
Uh...
You know, it's complicated.
No, it's not.
It's easy.
Bring her down here.
We'll all get married!
Yeah, right.
She doesn't want that.
Whoa, that sounds...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Uh-uh, no, no.
Everything's great with us.
I mean, if it was up to me,
we'd get hitched,
but she had
a really bad divorce, so...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Does that upset you?
I'm good!
Yeah, I'm good!
I'm so sad.
I love her so much.
I wanna marry her butt so bad.
To Genevieve's butt!
To Genevieve's butt!
Look at all this crap.
See, I told you.
They took all their merchandise,
and burned their store.
This is a bad idea.
We should leave now.
What? No.
All we're gonna do
is find the earrings,
and then light this place
on fire for revenge.
Check it out!
Rainstick.
Keeping it.
No, you're not.
That is a crime.
Untrue.
Once you steal something,
none of your stuff
belongs to you.
I've heard that too.
No, you haven't.
No one has.
Put that down.
Okay.
Gina!
Be a quieter robber!
But you told me to put it down.
Hi, we met earlier.
You're breaking into my house?
Or are you breaking into
our house?
Yeah.
Dino! Robbers! Dino!
Aha!
I found the earrings!
Dino! Get up here!
Yeah, Dino!
Get in here!
So you can watch me
light your house on fire!
Whoa! Okay, everybody,
just keep it cool.
Everybody be chilly chill chill.
I am gonna slice your face off!
Not chill, Dino.
Let me in there,
you sons of bitches!
Wait, wait!
The trellis won't hold all three
of us at the same time.
Smart.
Whoo!
Ooh!
That was awesome!
I love being a police officer!
That was the opposite
of being a police officer.
We just robbed somebody.
Who robbed us!
The universe is back on track,
baby!
We got grandma's earrings back!
And the rainstick!
Which you will be returning.
Uh, sure I will.
How are we doing on traffic?
Green all the way.
All right, looks like
we're actually gonna make it
in time for this wedding.
Thank you, universe.
Thank you for blessing
this marriage.
Okay, I know
what you're thinking,
but this is not a sign.
I just have to pump the gas
twice, and turn it back on.
This happens all the time.
Do you know where your dad hides his pot?
Yep. Damn it.
The universe doesn't want me
to marry Rosa.
Look, it's gonna be fine.
We'll get the car fixed
and make it back in time.
Gina, when's the tow truck
getting here?
No idea, I'm talking
to my spiritual advisor.
He says we have
an engine problem.
Yeah, I know, that's why
I said call a tow truck!
So you meant my spiritual
advisor is right?
Guys! This is my fault.
I should've just given up
when fate burned down
the pawn shop, okay?
Stupid Adrian.
Stupid Adrian!
Idiot! Read the signs!
Enough!
I'm so sick
of this garbage, all right?
The two of you need to stop
looking for signs everywhere...
Oh, my god, a sign.
Whoo! He can fly!
Prop planes!
You can fly, you can fly!
I'm a vessel for the universe.
Wow.
The chairs look amazing.
I can't believe you two aren't
my biggest problem today.
We're not?
Who is?
My arch.
Isn't she beautiful?
I got eye-rolled to,
not about!
While Pimento stares at Rosa,
we'll all be staring at...
Her.
Yes, we will.
She's truly breathtaking.
There's a double meaning
to that.
The breath that it takes
to inflate all those balloons.
Of course I used the hand pump,
but the bon mot still works.
Oh, no! What's happening?
Someone tell me
what's happening.
I got some more bad news.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
That thing's huge.
Didn't Rosa want things
to be classy?
I mean, she's getting married,
not finishing a marathon.
So says the hair guy.
Stay in your Lane, bucko.
Right, Santiago?
The arch sucks!
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to say anything
because you're my boss
and you were so excited,
but the truth is every time
I look at it I wanna die
and take you with me.
Well, I wish
you'd said something
before I spent
all day making it.
Of course, you didn't want to...
"Burst my bubble."
Pun intended.
And then...
You did.
Forget the arch!
Charles didn't sober up Rosa.
She got him drunk!
Oh, no.
How drunk is he?
Remember the night
they cancelled "bunheads"?
We're ruined.
It's fine.
I'll handle it.
You got your hands full.
Yeah.
This is just 18 shots
of Espresso.
It got me through the first
three months of having twins,
but I imagine it'll
sober you up too.
Aww, he's taking care of you.
Such a good father.
Ugh, I miss my father.
I used to be daddy's little
girl, but we never talk anymore.
You don't?
That's what happens.
You grow up,
your bond with your dad goes...
No, it doesn't always happen.
All right, not to special
daddies who put the time in.
You know, read them stories,
do their little pigtails.
Really, sarge?
Who do you think
used to do my pigtails?
Why can't they
stay babies forever?
Berlini!
Bellini!
Bellini!
Okay, this is very scary,
but it's okay,
because you're a trained pilot.
No, I'm not.
I'm self-taught.
What?
Oh, yeah.
You can learn anything online.
Ooh, you should see me
do origami.
Oh, do you know
how to do a frog?
Oh, no!
Can you do a swan?
No.
Can you do a crane?
What's a crane?
Okay, he does not know
how to fly a plane.
All right, food is ready,
decorations are set,
guests should start arriving
any moment,
and the chairs
are still perfection.
She said they're perfection.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
It was you.
You made this happen.
All right!
Let's show Rosa what we got.
Wait.
Where is Rosa?
Narc.
And that's why
you shouldn't drink.
Being drunk sounds terrible.
Hello, Amy,
I didn't see you there.
How did the wedding go?
Terry!
What the hell, man?
You said you were gonna
sober them up.
It was her fault.
My girls are never gonna grow up
and lose their virginity.
I lost my v-card to the woman
that refilled Nana's
oxygen tanks.
Her hands were so strong
from turning the nozzles.
This is a room of nightmares.
You're the nightmare.
You made me kill
my balloon baby.
Look at me.
So drunk, I'm alliterating
like a beatnik.
Okay, everybody outside now!
Just know that you brought this
on yourselves.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Can't we just go to sleep
for a winker?
We're way past winkers.
Scully, Hitchcock,
bring the frost.
No!
Nice job, you two.
We are nailing it today!
Hey!
We're back.
Pimento's got the earrings,
guests are arriving...
What the hell are you doing?
Sobering these clowns up.
All right,
everyone go get dressed.
You would not believe
the day I've had.
You and me both, sister.
Rosa got drunk,
and then every time
I sent someone in to help her,
she got them drunk too!
It's like she was trying
to tank this thing.
Yeah, well, Pimento called off
the wedding three times
because of the universe.
If I didn't know them
any better, I'd think they
don't even wanna get married.
They don't wanna get married!
You two have no idea what you've
gotten yourselves into do you?
No, right?
Right?
It's their decision,
even if it's a bad one.
They could always get divorced.
People love getting divorced!
My parents got divorced,
and all it did was scar our
family for years and years.
We have to say something.
Yeah.
I suppose I can see
how a balloon arch
might've been a little too much.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
No, you're supposed to say,
"this wedding looks
like garbage."
This wedding looks like garbage.
No, no.
As long as the bride's happy.
Hey there, everyone.
Great wedding so far, right?
Uh, next up,
we're gonna take a quick break,
which happens at every wedding,
but in the meantime,
how about a little
entertainment?
Boyle?
You got your devil sticks?
Always.
Hey, Adrian.
Yeah.
We gotta talk.
Really? Right now?
I'm working on my vows.
Hey!
What rhymes with juicy heinie?
Nothing.
Nothing rhymes with that.
I would cut that line.
But that's all I have.
Forget it.
The thing I wanna say is,
maybe the universe wasn't
telling you stuff today.
Maybe you were telling
yourself something.
Telling myself what?
Yeah, tell himself what?
What are you doing here?
I'm a part of this journey.
Don't you dare
try to cut me out.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks, Amy.
I'm super nervous.
Kinda wish I was still drunk.
Yeah.
About that...
I think we should talk.
Why?
Are you packing a Bellini?
Look, I spent the whole day
denying the fact
that there were signs,
but I was wrong.
They were actually there.
So far, duh.
The fact that you kept
cancelling your own wedding...
That was the real sign.
Whoa!
You took the situation,
and you flippity-flopped it.
I don't think it was
an accident that you got drunk,
or that you got
everyone else drunk.
What? You think I'm trying
to sabotage my own wedding?
I don't know.
Were you?
Maybe I was.
I don't know, something
just doesn't feel right.
Oh, man, I gotta talk to Adrian.
I was my own sign
the whole time?
Wow, that's a real
M. Night Shyamalan twist the...
Oh!
"Signs"!
Wait, do you think
he's behind all of this?
I do not.
I should go talk to Rosa.
Thanks, Jake.
Jake, you done good, kid.
Glad I took you along
for the ride.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
All right,
give it up for Charles.
Yeah!
No, give it up
for the devil sticks.
They're the real heroes here.
No, they are not.
No one thinks that.
All right, I'm not sure
how much time we have,
but anybody know a joke?
Oh, I do!
Two Jews walk into a...
No! Sit down!
No, definitely not.
Oh!
All right,
we have an announcement to make.
We're not getting married.
Aww!
You can shove those "awws"
up your butts.
Yeah, or I'll come out there,
and I'll do it for ya!
What an interesting event.
I just feel like
we were rushing things.
We love each other,
but we haven't even really
spent that much time together.
We've never even been
on a real date,
so we're gonna start there.
Shut up!
Thank you for the presents.
We're keeping them.
All of them.
Yeah, if you got a problem
with it, come talk to us
in the parking lot.
Also, in just 14 hours
Amy put together
the most amazing
non-wedding wedding in history.
Better than
"sleepless in Seattle."
Nope.
That is also Nora Ephron.
Kill yourself.
Don't take it personally.
Anyway, we can't let all this
go to waste.
Everybody, clear these chairs
out of here, and let's get
this party started.
No, not the chairs!
Don't touch the chairs,
you monsters!
Yeah?
Oh, I just wanted to thank you
for all your help yesterday.
I didn't do much.
It was nothing.
Good day.
What's going on?
I'm just very busy.
Get back to work.
Wait.
What do you have in there?
A balloon arch.
Oh, my god, captain.
She is magnificent.
:16:06,250
How did the wedding go?
Terry!
What the hell, man?
You said you were gonna
sober them up.
It was her fault.
My girls are never gonna grow up
and lose their virginity.
I lost my v-card to the woman
that refilled Nana's
oxygen tanks.
Her hands were so strong
from turning the nozzles.
This is a room of nightmares.
You're the nightmare.
You made me kill
my balloon baby.
Look at me.
So drunk, I'm alliterating
like a beatnik.
Okay, everybody outside now!
Just know that you brought this
on yourselves.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Can't we just go to sleep
for a winker?
We're way past winkers.
Scully, Hitchcock,
bring the frost.
No!
Nice job, you two.
We are nailing it today!
Hey!
We're back.
Pimento's got the earrings,
guests are arriving...
What the hell are you doing?
Sobering these clowns up.
All right,
everyone go get dressed.
You would not believe
the day I've had.
You and me both, sister.
Rosa got drunk,
and then every time
I sent someone in to help her,
she got them drunk too!
It's like she was trying
to tank this thing.
Yeah, well, Pimento called off
the wedding three times
because of the universe.
If I didn't know them
any better, I'd think they
don't even wanna get married.
They don't wanna get married!
You two have no idea what you've
gotten yourselves into do you?
No, right?
Right?
It's their decision,
even if it's a bad one.
They could always get divorced.
People love getting divorced!
My parents got divorced,
and all it did was scar our
family for years and years.
We have to say something.
Yeah.
I suppose I can see
how a balloon arch
might've been a little too much.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
No, you're supposed to say,
"this wedding looks
like garbage."
This wedding looks like garbage.
No, no.
As long as the bride's happy.
Hey there, everyone.
Great wedding so far, right?
Uh, next up,
we're gonna take a quick break,
which happens at every wedding,
but in the meantime,
how about a little
entertainment?
Boyle?
You got your devil sticks?
Always.
Hey, Adrian.
Yeah.
We gotta talk.
Really? Right now?
I'm working on my vows.
Hey!
What rhymes with juicy heinie?
Nothing.
Nothing rhymes with that.
I would cut that line.
But that's all I have.
Forget it.
The thing I wanna say is,
maybe the universe wasn't
telling you stuff today.
Maybe you were telling
yourself something.
Telling myself what?
Yeah, tell himself what?
What are you doing here?
I'm a part of this journey.
Don't you dare
try to cut me out.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks, Amy.
I'm super nervous.
555
00:18:34,310