Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Coral Palms, Part 1 - full transcript

Are you ready for this one?

Dottie's daughter Anne is getting divorced.

Hate to say "I told you so,"
but I told you so.

You know, we should fix her up
with Bernice's son.

What's his name? The doctor.

Oh, Vince.

And he's not a doctor.
He's a pharmacist.

Although that might
appeal to Anne.

Paw-paw-paw.

Greg, you are such a crack-up.

Forget Anne...
who should we fix him up with, huh?



Oh, now, Stella, you know
I'm still getting over

the tragic loss of my wife.

She was such a strong,
female woman

with nice, heavy breasts.

Who's that?

Oh, that's my neighbor.
Hey, Larry.

Oh, hey...

Greb.

- Greg.
- Ah, that was it.

I'm not sure why I have
so much trouble remembering...

probably 'cause our relationship
is so casual.

Morning, ladies.

Hi.

Uh, do a lap without me.



I need to talk to Larry
about an issue

with our shared fence.

Larry, I need to talk to you
about an issue

with our shared fence.

Yes, I also need to discuss

this shared fence
issue with you.

Okay, they're out of earshot.

Why are you up so early?

No reason... just excited
to face a new day.

Oh, because ever since
we've been down here,

you've been a little depressed.

Have I?

No, no, no,
don't eat the burrito.

Oh, I'm disgusting.

Okay, fine, I may have had
a teensy bit of trouble

adjusting when we first got here

for, like, six teensy,
little months,

but I took your advice,
and I got a job.

- Doing what?
- I sell ATVs now, eh?

Well, the truth is, these little
babies sell themselves.

They're super fun,

and they're a lot safer
than you might think...

if you're standing next to one.

If you're driving it, it's
actually much more dangerous

than you could possibly imagine.

Well, a job is good.

I know being stuck down here
in Florida isn't ideal,

but we need to make
the best of it.

In fact, I'm applying for
a promotion at my new job.

Ah, very "noice."

And if all goes well,
tonight you might be neighbors

with Greg Stickney,
Assistant Manager.

Very double "noice."

Well, I'm off to work.

Might want to stand back.

You're kind of in
the blast zone here.

Don't want to forget the strap.

Safety first.

That's what I always...
ooh, okay!

Whoa!

You deserve this promotion.

Now go in there and get it.

Give 'em hell, Greg.

Good morning, Carly, Tanny.

Looks like you're keeping
the machines running smoothly.

Whatever.

Carly will be the first to go.

Excuse me, sir,
there's something

I'd like to talk to you about.

Uh, one second. I'm busy.

Oh, at the buzzer!

Suck it, Chase,

you dirty, little hippy.

Uh, yes, well, um,

as you know, I've been here
for four months,

and I think
I'm a model employee.

Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

You had the idea to install
sinks in the bathrooms.

I love that.

Yes, what I'm getting at is,

I'd like to be
assistant manager.

You serious?

Oh, I just never expected you
to be interested in management.

I mean, you don't seem
like the type of person

who's really interested
in leadership roles.

Really?

Anyone who knows me would say

the opposite.

I'm very hard-working.

Yeah, when you're not
totally blazed.

I assure you that's not me.

Okay, tell that to
the Count Blunt-ula

T-shirt that you were
rocking last week.

It was the only thing
in lost and found.

A child and his father
threw up on me.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Management!

Full of surprises, Greg.

Hello?

Go to location one now.

Marshal Haas.

Greg.

Larry.

I can't hear you.
Can you hear me?

I cannot hear you.

What did you say?
We can't hear you.

I can't hear you; I think
my engine's too loud.

It's your engine.

Turn off your engine.

I don't know how
to turn off the engine.

We should talk in your car.

Let's all talk in my car.

Let's talk in the marshal's car.

I think we should talk in her...

Okay.

Let's go over the normal
checklist stuff.

Have you had any contact with
anyone from your previous life?

No.

Has anyone questioned
your current identity

either in person or online?

- No.
- Pop quiz.

Greg, where did you
go to college?

Ohio State,
where I majored in...

communications.

Perfect.

Larry,
what's your favorite movie?

- Uh, "Die Hard."
- Wrong.

Jake's favorite movie
is "Die Hard."

I asked you for Larry's
favorite movie.

Two people can have
the same favorite movie.

They can, but they don't.

Larry's favorite movie
is "Failure to Launch."

Say it.

Say, "My favorite movie
is 'Failure to Launch.'"

My favorite movie
is "Failure to Launch."

I wish I could believe you.

Moving on, three weeks ago
an informant told the FBI

where to find Jimmy
"The Butcher" Figgis.

Acting on that lead,
50 federal agents and I

raided a warehouse in Paramus.

It was awesome.

So you got him... it's over.
We can go home?

No, sorry.

Figgis wasn't there.

The raid was awesome.

Caught up with a lot of dudes
I don't normally get to see.

Do you know what
happened to Figgis?

No, but what we do know

is that Figgis was never there.

Our Intel was wrong
from minute one.

Is there any way we could help
with the investigation?

No, absolutely not.

Your involvement would endanger
your lives and this case.

I'm sorry, but it looks like
Larry and Greg

will be in Florida indefinitely.

Pop quiz, Larry:
who's the female lead

in "Failure to Launch"?

- Kate Hudson?
- Sarah Jessica Parker, man!

God, it's like you want to die.

So we're in Florida
indefinitely.

You okay?

I squirt-anly am.

Poor choice of words,
but the sentiment remains.

What? You were right.

It's the job.
It keeps me focused.

Well, good, I'm glad to hear it.

Yep.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I got to drive this
Bee-otch back to work.

- What?
- Oh, sorry.

This is the Ikura
Bee-otch 5,000.

Brand-new model.

Just came in.

I was gonna go for the 10,000,

but that Bee-otch
is way too fancy.

See you soon.

Hey, babe.

Okay, Jimmy Figgis.

Where the hell are you?

Oh, Larry.

So I marched in there
and I told him

I wanted that assistant
manager position.

I wish my son had your backbone.

Then he could finally
divorce Emily.

What does he see in her anyway?

Probably her breasts,

which are heavier than average.

I don't mean to be crude,
ladies,

but that's just how
the straight mind works.

- Oh, hey, Larry.
- Ah, hello, Groot.

- Greg.
- Right.

Is there an issue
with our shared fence

that we must discuss?

Nope, our shared fence is fine.

Just off to work.

Is there something going on
at the ATV lot?

Yes, uh, having a sale on...

big, old springs.

- Shocks.
- Right.

I knew that; I was just
dumbing it down for you.

At any rate, I am off.

Honk, honk.

I don't know where the horn is.

Gahh! What the...

ATVs?

The only thing you're selling

is a huge pile of bunk.

How did you get here so fast?
You were walking.

I was power-walking.

Roll heel, ball, toe...

roll heel, ball, toe.

I was already suspicious about
your new positive attitude

towards Florida, a state
you once described as

"America's stinky butt."

But then, after we met
the marshal,

you said something very strange.

It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?

No, something much stranger.

You were right.

I knew then that you
were up to something,

so I followed you here.

I guessed the combination
on the first try:

69-69.

June 9, 1969, the day
my parents got married.

- No, it isn't.
- My mom's birthday.

- No.
- The moon landing.

- Nope.
- Fine, you're right.

It's a completely random number.

Look, the feds are useless.

They're never gonna
catch Figgis,

so I'm working the case.

I want to get home and see Amy.

Don't you want to see Kevin?

Of course I do.

But we were told not
to get involved.

Why can't you just
follow orders?

Because I hate
this stupid place,

and I've got to get out.

This town's claim to fame
is that its mayors keep dying,

and no one knows why.

That's insane.

You're selfish,
and you're putting

my life at risk.

So no, you're not getting
those files back.

I suggest you accept
the reality of the situation

and make the best of it.

Snap out of it,

and get a job.

Okay. Interesting idea.

I wonder who's hiring.

Hey, everyone, just
want to introduce you

to our new assistant manager,

Larry Sherbet.

Son of a bitch.

Larry, you want
to say a few words?

Absolutely. Thanks.

Hey, everybody.

Uh, couple things about
my management style.

Number one: don't nobody ask me
about what's in my cup,

we ain't gonna have no problems.

Uh, two, I believe in
the power of nicknames.

Smile Face, Señorita Swag,

Kahuna!

Oh, yeah.

And you, my friend,

we will call Mr. Fart.

Seems rather unprofessional.

He called you "Mr." Fart,
Mr. Fart.

Thanks, Kahuna.

Guys, can I get real with you
for one sec?

I used to work
for a real stickler...

the type of guy
that just got off

on telling me what to do.

One time, he invaded my private
space and stole my stuff.

Why would he do that?

Perhaps he had a good reason.

Wrong, Mr. Fart.
He was a jerk and he sucked.

But he was the one
who motivated me

to get off my ass
and get this job,

so in a way, we really
have him to thank

for all this happening.

Give it up.

How great is this guy, Greg?

Wait, that's Greg?

- Yeah.
- The stoner?

Yeah, look at him.
He's such a Rasta.

Aw, total Rasta.

How did you even get this job?

You have zero experience.

I guess you lied on your resume.

Greg,
you stoney macaroni...

Of course
I lied on my resume.

Our entire lives are a lie.

I straight up said
I was that guy who

landed the plane on the Hudson.

Taking my job
just to spite me...

that's low, even for you.

Oh, but it's not spite.

It's blackmail.

I'm gonna be your boss,

and I'm gonna make
your life miserable,

unless you give me back
my Figgis file.

Oh, never gonna happen.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Hope you like kids' birthdays.

Hey, everyone, someone just
volunteered to be DJ B-Day.

Here at the Fun Zone,
we live by one rule:

when it's your birthday,
you're always cool.

Parents and kids
are all the same.

Watch...

as I do a dance...

to your name.

D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.

D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.

Again.

Figure out what's
living in there yet?

Well, uh, judging
by the empty beer cars,

the fur, the pornography,
and the claw marks,

I'd say a homeless man
and a raccoon.

The exact nature
of their relationship

is still revealing itself.

I'm gonna assume sexual.

You ready to give me
those files yet?

No.

Well, then, I guess it's time
for your next task.

You're gonna need to change.

Into what?

Oh, Mr. Fart.

You look perfect.

So a silly costume...
is that all you got?

Hardly.

Every time a go-kart drives by,

I want you to scream...

and this is very important...

"Me so corny!"

You can ruin my job, Larry,

but that's not all I've got
here in Florida.

I've got a life.

I've got friends.

You sure about that?

Honestly, Estelle, it almost
sounds like you should

stop eating beef altogether.

I know.
That's what I keep saying.

Oh, go to hell, Larry!

That's my walking group!

Off to get my file?

No, you will never get the f...

Greg!

Are you okay?

Yes, but we got bigger problems.

This is gonna
break the Internet.

No, no, ma'am, please, you can
not put that on the Inter...

oh!

I was hoping that would happen.

Yes! Yes!

I don't think your wrist is
supposed to move like that.

No, it's been like this since I broke
it playing football in high school.

Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

If that woman posts
her camera phone video

that she took with
a camera phone camera

to the Internet, Figgis could
figure out where we are.

This is your fault.

Or maybe it's your fault
for stealing my files.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

We have to get that video.

Can we please just press
"pause" on this fight

and work together?

Yes, on one condition:

you stay the hell away
from my walking group.

The walking group
meant nothing to me.

That's even worse.

Okay, fine, I'll stop.

What did this lady look like?

White, female, 5'3",

T-shirt that read,
"Orgasm Donor."

We need more.

We need access to
the security tapes.

Okay, we got teenagers stealing
a stuffed gorilla,

old lady siphoning gas
out of a go-kart,

junkie ripping copper wires
out of the wall...

God, this place is messed up.

Ah!

There you are.

What did you find?

Not much.

Camera was behind her.

But look at her calf.

It's a tattoo of Jesus

punching bin Laden in the nuts.

Hmm.

Maybe a local tattoo artist

will recognize it.

It can't be that common.

That's the most common
tattoo we give.

So these photos tell us nothing?

Actually, you know what?

That's a high school
graduation ring.

Dan Marino High, class of 2003.

Marino High, home
of the Dolphins, I suspect.

Nope, Pet Detectives.

Town was really into Marino's
cameo in "Ace Ventura."

Ah, it stands to reason.

Classic film,
one of my childhood favorites.

And it only gets overtly
transphobic at the very end,

so a win.

Anyway, thank you very much.

You've been very helpful.

But... you guys getting ink,
or what?

No, I already have a tattoo.

What? Where? Why? How? When?

I will never talk
about it again.

Okay, now all we have to do
is go to Dan Marino High

and get all the personal info
on the class of 2003

and then show each other
our tattoos.

We're not cops anymore.

How are we gonna get access
to those files?

Easy: I walk in there
dressed as an exterminator

saying I'm from
1-2-3 Pest Removal.

Secretary's like,
"Never heard of you."

Then I'm like, "Listen, lassie,

it's best you let me speak
with your cipal."

I hear it.
I'm gonna drop the accent.

She takes me to see
the principal...

you walk in behind me

and download the file.

The only question is,
where are we gonna find

an exterminator's outfit?

We're gonna need khaki pants
and a khaki shirt.

To my casual wear closet.

Hey, there, I'm the exterminator

here for the...

Yes, you're here for the snakes.

Oh, right.

The snakes, yes.

That is why I'm here.

- This way.
- Okay.

I found our suspect.

Her name is Jordan Karfton,

and she lives on Shula Lane.

How did the snake removal go?

Eeeee!

It was good. It was good.

Ms. Karfton,
you don't know us, but...

Uh, yeah, I do.

I got you on video looking
like a couple of dumbasses.

I like to think I handled it

with some amount of grace.

Nope, you looked dumber
than my kid Jaden,

and his eyes are perma-crossed.

You want to see? Hey, Jaden!

No, that's not necessary.

Have you posted
that video to the Internet?

Not yet.

Ran out of data on my phone

because of all the porn
I watched.

We don't know each other.

You could've just said you
were out of data.

I'm uploading the video tomorrow

at my cousin's wedding.

Dog track has free Wi-Fi.

Would you ever consider
not uploading it

and deleting it instead?

If our boss sees that video,

we could be fired.

I don't care about you.

A great viral video like that

could fetch me ten grand.

And do you know what type
of tanning bed I could get

for that kind of money?

A mid-range one.

Not necessary.
Your tan is great as-is.

You look like...

an evenly-stained deck.

All right, dude.
Keep it in your pants.

Like, I get why
you're into this,

and I could see something
going on with us later,

but right now, I need the cash.

Wait, what if we gave you
the $10,000?

Make it 15, you got a deal.

Fine.

Meet us tonight at
the Fun Zone... 8:00.

I will.

Wear something cute.

We don't have
that kind of money.

Don't worry.

I still have a few
tricks up my sleeve.

The only thing
I need you to do is...

I'm not gonna
show you my tattoo.

Come on, just give me a hint.

Is it an antique boat?

Is it a musket?
Is it me on a dragon?

Sir, is it me on a dragon?

Boom. $15,000 cash.

Wow. How'd you get it?

Oh, you didn't.

You just stuck a few 20s

around a bunch
of corn dog coupons.

Smart, right?

What if she decides to count it?

Oh, I'm not too
worried about that.

She doesn't strike me
as a big counter.

Oh, well, that's
quite an assumption.

So... so this is your big plan.

Oh, we need to call this off.

No, this is our best shot.

And right now,
it's our only shot.

Where's my money, bitch?

Charming.
I see you brought friends.

Oh, yeah, for backup.

Well, here is your money.

It's all there if you
want to count it.

Hey, I graduated high school.

I don't have to prove to you
I can count.

Of course not.

Of course not.

Here's the phone.
You can delete the video.

- Thank you... pictures...
- Hey, Billy, check it out.

I'ma stick $1,000
out of my zipper.

Hey, what the hell?

This isn't real money.

Hey, give me my phone.

You're gonna have
to catch me first.

Argh!

You really
thought that would work?

This video is going viral.

And you...

this can still happen anytime.

You know where I live.

You okay?

Yeah.

- A little sore, but...
- Good.

Then I can excoriate you freely.

You half-assed living
in Florida,

and you half-assed
getting the phone back.

You've probably blown our cover,

which means the marshals
will have to move us.

And when they do,
I'm gonna demand

they send us to
different cities,

because I don't want you
anywhere near me.

I swapped the phones.

What?

I got the video.

Sorry.

I won't bother you anymore.

Bye, Greg.

Lastly, hole 13
on the mini golf course

is missing, so tell
all the players

to just repeat hole 12.

All right, dismissed.

Damn, Greg, you are killing it

as assistant manager.

I mean, having the idea
to have people come in

at 9:00 a.m....that has
really helped business.

Yes, that is when the sign
says we're open.

Yeah.
Look, there's one other thing.

Now that you're management,
I need you to promise me

that you're gonna
lay off the drugs.

Just a little... I don't want
to kill your whole

stoney vibe or anything.

- I'll try.
- Thank you.

You keep this up,

and I genuinely believe
that you could be night manager

in, like, two to three years.

Yes.

Two or three years.

Here.

In Florida.

Well, it's an all-terrain
vehicle,

so yeah, you can do doughnuts

in your living room.

Hi, I hear you're
the man to talk to

about the XTR-XP 49789WJ8-09
Xtreme four-wheel drive Z-Cat.

Sir, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

I think you might
be more comfortable

speaking with one of
our other associates.

No, no, I need to talk
to this particular associate

and apologize for saying he

half-assed his ATV
sales technique.

Well, that's very nice,
but I've moved on,

and I'm with customers,

so thanks.

These machines are death traps.

If you purchase one,

you will be maimed.

You won't be maimed.

Most of the injuries
are internal.

You know what?

I'm gonna speak with this
gentleman for one moment.

I'm so sorry.
Give me a second.

Sir, can I speak with you
over here?

What is this all about?

I've been staying away from you;
I got a job.

I'm trying to make the best
of it, just like you said.

Well, don't bother.
Making the best of it sucks.

I want to go home.

This town is a crap circus.

What has gotten into you?

You clearly got the promotion
like you wanted.

Congratulations, by the way.

The blue looks great on you.

The day we spent
acting like cops

and getting that video back

was the only time
I've felt alive

since we've been down here.

So what are you saying?

Can I take this
for a test drive?

Yeah, sure.

The ignition is here.

I've ridden ATVs before...

antiquing in the Berkshires.

Oh, my files.

My beautiful files.

I've looked over
what you've got.

Given your resources,
very impressive, but...

I know.

It'll take me months
to find Figgis,

but we'll find him faster
if we work together.

What if we don't find Figgis?

What if Figgis finds us?

But I thought you
deleted the file.

I was going to,

but this camera phone camera

is not the same kind
of camera phone camera

as I have, so I couldn't
figure out how.

But I'm glad I didn't.

I say we post this video

and use it to lure
Figgis down here,

making ourselves into bait.

And once Figgis is here,
we take him down,

climb out of America's steaming
orifice, and go home.

I like the way you're
thinking, Greg.

It's Holt.

Captain Raymond Holt.

Now come and get us, Figgis.