Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 23 - Greg and Larry - full transcript

Come on, come on, Captain,
pick up.

Your friend Bob is secretly working
for Jimmy "the Butcher" Figgis.

This is a call you're
gonna want to take.

Bob must've done something
to him.

Or maybe they're talking
about something super boring,

like potatoes or beans.

White rice, brown rice...

those are just some
of the rices I love.

- Mmm.
- Also basmati.

- Mmm.
- Uh, that's all of them now.

I should've known
Agent Whealon was dirty.



There were signs.

He wore a V-neck once.

Bob.

You did nothing?

It's my greatest regret.

Well, at least
he's still alive.

When he comes out of the coma,
we'll get him to talk.

Would you mind
getting us some food?

I can't fathom eating these
candies that Peralta bought us.

Chocolate is the devil's carob.

And carob is Satan's raisin.

I'll go down to the cafeteria,

see if I can't scare up
some untoasted bread.

Yum.



Oh, Raymond.

I forgot my wallet in my...

Bob, you've killed him.

And now I'm going
to have to kill you.

I've never been more shocked.

This is bad.
This is really bad.

Where would Bob have taken Holt?

I don't know, the library?

Or an index card factory?

Is there such a thing
as an accounting museum?

- I...
- Hold on. I got this.

I know the captain's
"find my phone" password.

He's at the hospital.

He's still at the hospital.
You're a genius!

Well, I'd love to take credit,
but the truth is,

life just isn't that hard.

We got to get to the hospital,

and we got to get there fast.

- Then I should drive.
- Why you?

I have nothing to live for,
and I drive like it.

Okay, let's do it.

Jake called.

We need to get back
to New York right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't just leave.

We may need some of those
contacts in the future.

You're gonna go say good-bye,
and you're gonna mean it.

So while I'm happy
the Supreme Court

threw out my conviction,

I'm also really sad
to be leaving all of you.

Bethany, I know
you're an arsonist,

but now it's time to set
the culinary world on fire.

Sheila, you have the voice
of an angel.

Whoever your next
music producer is,

maybe don't stab him.

Jen, you're a Nazi.
We never really clicked.

Stay innocent, ladies.

No, no, no.
What happened?

He flatlined 20 minutes ago.

The two men who were
in this room, where did they go?

I don't know.

Okay, thanks.

Gina said Holt
is still in the building.

But where?

I have to get into their heads.

Whew.

"Bob, what are you doing?"

"I'm breaking the law, Raymond,

"because I'm the worst.

Now walk out of this room
as if nothing is happening."

"You'll never get away
with this, Bob.

"Jake is on his way.

He's a great cop,
and he's going to save me."

"Really?
He seemed so immature."

"Yes, he seems that way,

"but I know the real Jake.

"He's like a son to me.

"And when this is all through,

we're going
on a road trip together."

- Jake.
- Rosa, shh!

I'm working on the case
right now.

That's weird.

There's a smudge on this sign
right over the H.

There's a smudge on this H too.

Oh, my God, why would you
touch a hospital thing

and then put it in your mouth?

It's chocolate.

Great instincts.
Never doubt yourself.

Holt is trying
to send us a message

using the candy bar I gave him.

Just act natural, Raymond.

Eat your candy bar.

I can't.
It's disgusting.

I don't care.

H is for Holt.

He's leading us right to him.

Now all we have to do

is follow the trail
of chocolate.

This...

this is why I became a cop.

Charles, what took so long?

I want to get out of this suit
before we take off.

We're not going anywhere.

The flight is booked,

and there's already
a huge stand-by line.

What?
We have to get on that plane.

Were you stern?

Amy, you know I wasn't.

I've got this.

Holt's in danger,
and that lady's in my way.

Never get between
a teacher's pet and her teacher.

Ooh.

Okay, vest lady.

I don't care what
you have to do...

Oh, you sweet thing,
you're pregnant.

So pregnant.

- What a miracle, right?
- Oh.

Please give me
special treatment.

I ripped her a new one,
and guess what fell out.

Two tickets to New York.

- Ugh.
- First class upgrade.

Ahh.

No chocolate smudges

in this entire parking garage.

Or on floors one through five.

We're officially lost the trail.

Unless...

No, that's not chocolate.

- What is that?
- What?

Don't eat it again!

Wait, getting a text.

- It's Captain Holt.
- Where is he?

What'd he say?

"Inib rue tiid."

Wait, I'm getting another one.

"Ink obrvs whiz."
These are nonsense.

He's been gagged.

How would that come through
in a text, Scully?

Wait a minute.
I know what's going on.

He's secretly trying
to text us from his pocket.

When I die, please
give Kevin my regards.

What shall I tell him?

"Regards."

Scully, these look like
the weird texts you always send.

Touch screen phones don't
respond correctly to my fingers.

It's because I've been
electrocuted so many times.

Hold on, I bet we can
reverse engineer this thing.

Scully, type this
into your phone.

"Inib rue tiid." Two "I"s.

It came out, "Imm on rha rooj."

"I'm on the roof."
He's on the roof!

Oh, God bless you, Scully,
and your weird, dead hands.

You and Hitchcock
are killing it!

- Oh, my God.
- Let's just go.

Freeze! Drop your weapon!

One more step,
and I kill your captain.

Come on, Bob.
What are you doing up here?

Why are you on the roof?

Oh, my God.

You're gonna zip-line
off of this thing

like an American ninja.

That is such a cool escape plan.

Actually, I was gonna
throw Raymond over the side

and make it look like
a bird-watching accident.

Oh, please, do you think
anyone's gonna actually...

It's genius.

There's a red-tailed hawk roost
a block away,

and I've got a pair of micro
binoculars in my pocket,

like a fool.

Okay, well, I stand corrected.

Just drop the gun and surrender.

If you turn on Figgis,

this doesn't have to end
badly for you.

You still have that file with
all the evidence against him?

You mean the one you handed me?

That was a good idea at
the time; we all thought that.

Yes, that file's
in a safe place,

and you're never getting it.

Don't be foolish, Bob.
You're outnumbered.

Outnumbered, my bottom.

Figgis's men are on the way.

Yes, I called for backup.

Captain, down!

Oh-ho, Terry took you down!

Nice timing, Sarge.

How'd you know we were up here?

Captain marked
the Hs in chocolate,

which I instantly connected
to the giant helipad H

we're on right now.

Oh. Cool.

Cool, yes, we also solved that.

Came straight up here
to the roof.

We didn't wander around
even for a second.

We're all smart.

Smart.
This is a good hiding space.

Scully, why are you lying down?

'Cause there was a bed here.

You took your shoes off.

All right, look, a bunch
of sketchy, black SUVs

just pulled up outside.

Either it's Figgis's guys,
or Beyoncé stubbed her toe.

Don't even joke
about that, Jake.

That would be our new
number one priority.

We have to call for backup.

Figgis has people
in the NYPD and the FBI.

So good luck with that.

Wow, betraying the FBI
is one thing,

but sarcasm, Bob?

Wow.

All right, we're on our own.

We got to get Bob
out of this hospital

and to a secure location,

someplace the NYPD
doesn't know about.

Captain, you're a grown-up;
let's just use your lake house.

For the last time, not all
grown-ups have lake houses.

We can go to my apartment.

No one knows where I live.

I thought you had Amy
over there once.

Yeah, it was fun.
I moved the next day.

Rosa's place it is.

Well, they know
what Bob looks like,

but they've never seen us.

They think we're just
a big group of cops.

What if we didn't
look like cops?

♪ I'm from New York,
I'm from New York ♪

♪ I'm from, I'm from New York ♪

- ♪ I'm from New York ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm from ♪

Great, everyone looks fantastic,

and our hats look normal.

Wow, Sarge, you are just
stuffed into those scrubs.

How do you do it?

Exercise and diet.
It's not that hard.

Eh, seems pretty hard to me.

I don't think I'm gonna do that.

This brings back memories.

I loved playing doctor
as a child.

The cancer has spread.

Get your house in order.

So we can sneak out like this,

but what about Bob?

Not to worry.
I've got that covered.

Hitchcock.

And, yes, he is bound
and gagged under there,

but more importantly,
you said, "What about Bob?"

That's the name of a movie.

Holt made a pop culture
reference.

All right, let's go.

Okay, let's go over
our exit strategy

one more time.

Seat 2A is gonna need
help with her bags.

She has twig arms.

So if she blocks us,
I play the pregnancy card.

And remember,
leave our luggage and...

Roll the dice
with lost and found.

I know; I've been studying this
map you drew on the barf bag

for 40 minutes.

Sorry, working is the only thing

keeping me from worrying
about the squad

and completely spiraling.

Hot towels?

For the billionth time, no!

We don't want your boiled rags!

No, thank you.

I don't know if it's
keeping you from spiraling.

Look, why don't we just
take our mind off everything?

We're in first class.
We get free movies.

What? No.

We can't enjoy ourselves

while the squad is in danger.

That's not fair.

Amy, we're trapped here
for three hours.

There's nothing else we can do.

Fine, I'll watch a movie,

but nothing we'll like too much.

- No new releases.
- Of course not.

We'll just put on whatever's
first alphabetically.

"27 Dresses."

His cerebral blood circulation
is infarcted.

Get me an ICP catheter, stat!

Wow, that was amazing, Sarge.

I watch a lot
of "Grey's Anatomy."

That show's
surprisingly accurate.

Yeah, the one episode I watched,

there was a bomb
in the guy's butt.

Oh, that's a good one.

He's crashing!

Push 10 ccs of corticosteroids,

plus prep an ER
for surgical decompression!

Look, I don't know
what any of this means,

but I feel like Sandra Oh.

Doctor, do you need me
to start a line?

Oh, we're good.

You said he's crashing.
Here's a syringe.

Oh, good, I'll use this
to puncture his skin.

Uh-oh, we got company.

Uh, this man has
a bomb in his butt!

We got to go.

Code silver, code silver.

Split up.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just so into the movie,

you know, really worried
about Katherine Heigl

and her dressmaking business.

I'm sorry, dressmaking business?

Her architecture firm?

Her cupcake bakery.

The magazine she edits?

Jane is the executive assistant

to an outdoor
lifestyle entrepreneur.

You're not even watching!

I'm sorry.
I can't focus.

I'm spiraling.

Ugh, I knew it.

If "27 Dresses"
doesn't distract you,

nothing will, nothing will.

So what do we do?

We're gonna embrace the spiral.

We're gonna talk
about these fears.

Things are about to get real.

- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Yes?

We're gonna need
a box of tissues

and some cozy blankets.

- Okay.
- Oh, one more thing.

- Mm-hmm?
- Y'all got sundaes?

Oof!

Nice.
Bedpan to the face.

That's what this is?

Ugh, I put my hands in it.

Figgis' men are everywhere,

and now there's
hospital security

at all the exits.

- How are we gonna escape?
- Relax.

There's a million ways to get
out of a hospital unnoticed.

Name one.

- Dress up like babies.
- What?

Well, you put me on the spot.

Well, you brought it up.

All right, wait, wait, wait.

I've got a real plan.

Hey!

Go right!
Go right!

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

Abandon gurney!
Abandon gurney!

Damn it!

It's not Bob.

Code silver.
Can't let you out.

Look, you have to help me.
I'm an FBI agent.

I am Serena Williams.

I'm sorry.
They both suffer from

grandiose delusional disorder.

GDD.

I've been taken hostage here.

And I'm supposed
to be at Wimbledon.

It's my serve!

No, no, no, I am not crazy.

Yes, he is, deeply.

We need to transfer them both to
a secure psychiatric facility.

Serena here just bit off
a doctor's nose.

It tasted delicious.

Yeah, you can go.

No, no, call the FBI.

No, call Venus!
Call Venus!

Have a seat, Bob.

Wow, Rosa.

This is how you live?

What were you expecting?

I don't know, rock walls,

weapons everywhere,
a waterfall for a door...

I guess I was just
picturing the Batcave.

Why do you need
a vase full of lemons?

The room needed a pop of color.

Who are you?

All right, Bob,

it's time to tell us
where that file is.

And why would I do that?

Because we are your only
chance of getting out of this.

You have tons
of evidence on Figgis,

which means he's probably
gonna kill you.

If you turn on him, we can
get you into witness protection.

You'll get a nice, little house
somewhere in Florida.

I think you'd love Florida, Bob.

I've never actually been there,
but Pitbull's videos

make it seem muy caliente.

I know Figgis, and you're
in far more danger than I.

He's coming for you.

And I guarantee his soldiers
find this place.

Not gonna happen.

I rent it out under
a shell corporation.

Yeah.

My mail goes to a P.O.
box in Queens.

Yeah.

My neighbors think my name
is Emily Goldfinch.

Oh, yeah.

People I work with all think
my name is Rosa Diaz.

- Yeah... wait, what?
- Don't worry about it.

- Okay.
- Enough.

I'm gonna get this punk to talk.

Oh, Bob,

you are S'ed in the B.

I can't lose Holt.

I've barely scratched
the surface

of the amount of approval
I need from him.

Can I have your cherry?

Oh, get in there, girl.

And Jake... I haven't
seen him in weeks,

and it's been so hard.

I love him so much.

Oh, my God.

I've said "I love you"
to him before,

but I've never added "so much."

What if I never get
to say "so much"?

What about me?

What if something
happens to Jake,

and he never gets
to meet my baby?

I don't want to hang out
with some stupid baby

who's never met Jake.

Excuse me.
Two more sundaes.

Oh, we've already
begun our descent,

so we've suspended
our food services.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we still in coach?

Or are we in first class
where the rules don't apply?

Charles, it's okay.

We're about to land.

You got me through the spiral.

Oh, my God, you're right.
We did it.

I am so sorry we yelled at you.

But we will take
those sundaes to go.

And I don't care if you
don't have a lid.

Y'all make a lid.

All right, here we go.

Captain's about to lay into him.

You need to tell me
where the file is.

I'm sorry, Ray.
I'd rather not.

Okay, not the dynamic start
I wanted,

but I'm sure he's just
getting warmed up.

I'd prefer not to ask you again.

You sound desperate.

I'm under your skin.

The only things under my skin

are oil glands, hair bulbs,

nerve fibers, blood vessels,

and a bit of fatty tissue.

You forgot about
Ruffini's corpuscle.

Oh, my God, you're rattled.

Checkmate.

I don't think that was
as vicious a burn as he thinks.

You beat me.
It's over.

I've lost all authority.

Who's next?

All right, Bob.

You want to play hardball?
Good.

Word on the street is,
you like jazz.

I don't just like jazz;

I'm fond of it.

I don't understand
the difference.

Tell me where the file is
right now,

or I will ruin jazz
for you forever.

I'd like to see you try.

Wrong choice, daddy-o.

♪ Skeeba-dee-skop-gop,
boo-ba-roppin jazz ♪

♪ Jazzity-jazz, joozle jazz ♪

♪ Jizz jang jingle jazz ♪

What are you gonna
tell your kids, man?

That their daddy's a crook?

I don't have any kids.

My whole thing was based
on you having kids!

Now all of this
is gonna be hypothetical.

No tools, Diaz.

All right, mister,
here are five stories

about my cousin Lee-Ann
and her alleged Lyme disease.

How's that gonna make me talk?

Not everything's about you, Bob.

I just needed to vent.

God, you're such a Lee-Ann.

All right, listen up, buddy.

You're gonna tell us
where it is.

And also what it is.

We're a little unclear
what we're after.

♪ Zwee-bop, zwee-bob,
Bob and the mob ♪

♪ Mob-mob-mob ♪

♪ Bob-Bob-Bob ♪

No swords.

So she's gonna look up at you,

with hypothetical tears

in her hypothetical eyes,

and ask why all the other
hypothetical daddies

came in for career day.

I can't.
I can't.

So it's like, "Yeah, maybe
you're tired all the time

"because you're sick, Lee-Ann,

or maybe you're depressed
because you live in Reno."

♪ Ta-ta, ta-ta-ta,
ta-ta, dibbity-doo ♪

♪ Cymbal-cymbal-cymbal-cymbal
cymbal-cymbal ♪

What just happened?

Somebody cut the power.

Time's up.
Looks like Figgis found you.

Okay, door's secure.

That's the last of the candles.

Is that multi-wick?

Am I smelling basil
and tangerine?

It's called "Summer's Kiss."

What the hell
is going on with you?

I hate to rub it in, detectives,

but I told you they'd find me.

Sniper!
Everybody down!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Wrong guy! Wrong guy!
- Bob!

Stay away from the windows!

Captain, table!

Oh, my God.
What's going on?

They tried to kill me.

Argh!

We have to get out of here,

and we have to get
out of here now.

It's cool.
I have a panic room.

Yes!
There's the Rosa I know.

"Summer's Kiss" my ass.

But it won't fit all of us.

Well, looks like Bob's
the odd man out.

- Bye, Bob.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to take me with you.
They'll kill me.

Look, I'll talk.

The file is
in a safe deposit box.

The keys are in my car
in the lining of my trunk.

All right, fine.

Take Bob with you
into the panic room.

Rosa and I'll find
another way out.

I'm sure you will, son.

You called me "son."

No take-backs.

How will I know
to open the door?

When you hear me knock
the "Funky Cold Medina."

I don't know what
the "Funky Cold Medina" is.

Even context clues
have failed me.

All right, you'll know it's me.

Why'd you do it, Bob?

Why'd you betray everything
you ever stood for?

I spent 14 years bringing down
a Mexican cartel.

You know what
they gave me for it?

A letter of commendation
with my last name misspelled.

In all fairness, Bob,

who spells "Anderson"
with three Ns?

Regardless, I figured
if they're not gonna give me

any respect, I might as well
get paid.

Was it worth it?

Of course.
I made millions.

I traveled the world.

I've eaten whale.

I always assumed whale
would be too fatty.

Well, I don't have to assume.

I know for a fact it is.

It's disgusting.

I threw up.

That sounds funky.

Must be Jake.

What's going on?

Ha-ha, we fooled you, you fool!

I was gonna do something cooler,

but then I was just like,
"Go with what you feel."

Who are these people?

Oh, well, this is
my best friend, Charles,

and this is my girlfriend, Amy.

She's not really pregnant.

We're taking things slow,
but it's going really good.

- Jake?
- Right.

They arrived about an hour ago.

Sir, I'm gonna need you
to cut the power

for Rosa Diaz in apartment 410.

- 410 is Emily Goldfinch.
- Who?

Curly black hair,
always smiling,

a little chatty for my taste.

I have so many questions,
but there's no time.

Cut the power.

The sniper was Charles...

Bang.

And Rosa.

And while you were cowering
in the panic room,

I went and got this file

to make sure you weren't lying.

Well, what happened in here?

It looks like there was a fight.

Oh, it was me.

I was done with this place
the minute you all

stepped foot in it.

Oops.

Guess you should have taken
our witness protection offer

and gone to Florida, Bob.

We have more
than enough evidence

to take you and Figgis down.

You've been played, Bob.

It was all a ruse.

You don't work with Jake Peralta
for three years

without knowing what
the "Funky Cold Medina" is.

Aw, hell yeah.

I asked the guy,
"Why you so fly?"

He said, "Funky Cold Medina."

Funky Cold Medina.

Zero rehearsal.

I just got off the phone
with the DOJ.

They've arrested
over 75 of Figgis's men.

His operation is decimated.

Did they find Figgis?

Not yet, but they're
confident they will.

And when they do,
Detective Pimento can come home.

Can't wait.

I'm gonna eat his face off.

You guys are so cute.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Even when Bob held
that gun to my head,

I was not afraid,

because I knew you
were on the case.

I respect the hell out of each
and every one of you.

Nine-Nine.
- Nine-Nine.

Love it when everyone
chants that.

Mm.

So Charles and I really
got into it on the plane,

and around sundae number five,
I realized

we should move in together.

You and Charles?

No, you and me.

Oh!

Yes, that makes
so much more sense.

Absolutely, immediately,
let's do that.

I love you so much.

Aw, I love you so much too.

I love this so much.

So I guess Charles was
listening to our conversation.

Yeah.

Ooh, I'm gonna get this.

- Hello?
- Jake Peralta?

This is Jimmy Figgis.

Oh, uh, hey, dog.

You and Ray Holt
took down my operation.

Now I'm gonna kill you both.

Later, dog.

Uh, Captain Holt?

♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪

♪ Nothing but blue skies ♪

♪ Do I see ♪

Morning, Greg.

Morning, Larry.

♪ Bluebirds singing a song ♪

♪ Nothing but bluebirds ♪

♪ All day long ♪