Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Hostage Situation - full transcript

- Peralta, are you eating

an Italian sub
for breakfast?

- I am, but Amy said
I should eat more veggies,

so I got extra pepperoncinis.

Smart.

- Uh, excuse me.

You need to watch yourself.

- I'm sorry...
cop.

- All right, let's everybody
just stay calm here.

- Or what?

Are you gonna
arrest me for dancing?



- You call that dancing?

This is dancing.

?

- What is happening?

- I'm defusing the situation.

?

- Whoa...
dancing captain.

Must capture image
of a lifetime!

Oh, why is my phone
always dead?

I paid $13 for it.

- Don't worry, Jakey.
I got it.

- Okay.
Oh!

- Oh, my hands
are covered in butter

from making butter.



- I'm on it!

Must record, must record!

Camera on.

All right.
Here we go.

- Dancing over.

Situation defused.

- No!

- Jakey!

- Hey!

Are you guys wearing
one scarf?

- Yep, Charles
forgot his this morning.

It's actually quite romantic.

I think he did it on purpose.

- Uh, let's just say,

I definitely did it on purpose.

Now, twirl me, darling!

- You got it, sweet potato.

- Ah, I can't get away
from you.

- All right,
you guys are adorable.

- Tell me everything
the doctor says

about your uterine climate.

- Oh, and also that.

- Genevieve and I
have big news.

- Is this something other
people would keep private?

- Big time!
We're trying to have a baby!

- Oh, wow!

That is awesome.

But wait, Charles,
I thought you were sterile.

I distinctly remember
you using the phrase--

- Shooting dust.

- Yes, thank you for
not making me say it.

- Yeah, it's true
I lost the ability

to procreate
after the accident.

Drop your weapons!

- Yeah, I still don't know

why you dove in
crotch first.

- Thankfully, my ex-wife,
Eleanor,

made me get a vasectomy
a year before that.

As a precaution,
I froze some sperm--

a lot of sperm.

Guy going in after me
was like,

"Whoa, nice!"

- Wow, he sounds
like a gross dude.

- Yeah.
- Should we go into work?

- Yes.
- Great.

Hey, so do you think maybe

you're rushing into
the whole baby thing?

I mean, you guys have only
been dating three months.

- She's the one, Jake.

I'm done with that
playboy lifestyle--

out till 11:00,
drunk on sangria.

I don't want that anymore.

I just want to be a papa.

- Okay, yeah, so,
hey, this is awesome.

You're gonna have a baby.

- I know!

And you're gonna be
its best friend.

- Ah, well, based on
the age diff,

maybe more of a fun
uncle/mentor.

- Baby's best friend.

- All right, so...
nonnegotiable.

- Here's the deal, Steven.

We already got you
on shoplifting.

Now let's talk about
the 200 cloned credit cards

in your bag.

- I'm not saying anything.

- Look, punk, there are
two ways we can do this--

the easy way
or the hard way.

- Tell him what
the hard way is, boss.

- Well, first, Steven,

we're gonna fill out
form 38E-J1,

stating noncompliance.

We send it to the DA,

but do they process it
right away?

No, because
they're overwhelmed

because Debra's
on maternity leave.

So your court date won't be set
for six or eight weeks,

and even then, you're gonna
have to block off the whole day,

because they don't
give you a specific time.

No, no, it's a window.

- Sir...

Can I talk to you
for a second?

I thought we were gonna
to try to scare him.

- There's nothing scarier
than the realities

of the municipal court system.

Now, come on;
let's get back in there

and tell him about
how bad the website is.

- Look, I'll talk.

- Of course you will.

- But I'll only talk to her.

- You want to talk to Gina?

- Yeah, hi.
Do you sell purple pants?

All right, well,
good day, then.

It's not the turnout
I was hoping for.

Maybe I should've
offered free strudel;

then at least
Scully would've come.

- There's free strudel?

- Where the hell
did you come from?

- I don't get it.

I am shocked that more people

wouldn't want the tutelage
of our precinct's--

nay, our city's
most esteemed sergeant.

- What do you want,
Santiago?

- To learn the majestic art
of self-defense

from our city's--
nay, our country's--

- Come on, man,
out with it!

I want to start class.

- Okay, I'm applying
for a mentorship program

for up-and-coming detectives.

It's called
"Star Achieving Mentors,

Star Achieving Mentees,"
or SAM-SAM for short.

Would you write me
a recommendation?

- Of course I will.

You'd be great.

- Thank you, Sarge.

- All right, everyone.

Pay attention.

Santiago,
I'm gonna come at you,

and you're gonna take me down.

You better impress me
if you want

that recommendation
to be good.

- I'm gonna try, Sarge.

- All right, here we go.

- Oh, no, no!
- My nose!

My nose!
You broke my nose!

- Oh, there's so much blood!

I'm so sorry!

- Get me a towel!

- Okay, all right.

- And that's what you get

for lying about free strudel.

Karma's a bitch.

- Get out of here, Scully!

- Case closed, justice served.

Peralta amazing--
oh, God.

Oh, no, no...

Charles, Charles!

Your ex-wife is here.

- Eleanor?

The destroyer of worlds?

Why?
- Maybe it's nothing bad.

Maybe some of your mail
got sent to her house.

- Oh, God, I hope not.

If that happened,
she would be livid.

- Oh, well, just don't
assume the worst.

That's all I'm saying.

- Then why did you
bring up the mail thing?

- I don't...

- Hello, Chunk.

Heard you want your sperm.

You gonna have to
go through me.

- Oh, no, this is way worse
than the mail thing.

- What mail thing?

- Nothing.
There's no mail thing.

There's no mail thing.
But it's my sperm.

How did you even
find out I wanted it?

- Because the account's
under my name.

Storage facility
called me saying

that you were looking
to make a withdrawal.

So I went ahead
and withdrew it for you.

I have all of your sperm.

- But you don't even
care about it, Eleanor.

I mean, remember?

"Oh, hey, Charles,

"I'll never have
a baby with you

"because I don't love you,

and a child's
not gonna fix that!"

- Oof, when he started
doing the silly voice,

I thought it was gonna be
more fun, but... wasn't.

- Well, I do not want your DNA.

I want something else.

I hit some dumb-ass with my car.

Now he's suing me.

What I want is for you
to use your badge

and your gun to intimidate him
into dropping the case.

- Wow.
That is so very illegal.

He's not doing that.

- I don't care.

You have 48 hours to do so,

or I'm gonna
take your sperm,

and I'm gonna dump it
into the East River.

- Please don't do that.

- And there will never be

the possibility
of a little pie-faced

Charles Boyle, Jr.

- Proud of it; it's me.

She can't do that.
Can she do that?

- Stay calm.

We're gonna talk
to a lawyer

and get
a professional opinion.

- Damn.

I can't believe
you signed this contract.

The sperm is her
legal possession.

It also says that, she--
and I quote--

"Owns your dignity."

You initialed
right next to that.

- Oh, no, Jake,
this is a total disaster!

I'll never be happy
in my life.

Why are you smiling?

- Because this is exactly

what we've trained for.

It's a hostage situation,

and we're gonna
bring your boys home.

- All right, Charles, I know
that you're freaking out

and you think you're never
gonna be a father,

but don't worry;
there's no way

I'm gonna let Eleanor do
anything to your precious...

- Boyle oil?
- Ugh, all right, I'm out.

She can do what she wants.

- No, no, no, no, no.

We'll just call them hostages.

- All right, fine,
let's get to work.

Here's what we know
about Eleanor.

- Oh, my wedding day.

I should've known
it was a mistake

when she said, "I suppose,"
instead of, "I do."

- Yowch, all right.

Eleanor Horstweil.

- 42.
- bank manager.

No priors.
Clean bill of health.

Hercules Thikalonos.

- Don't bring him into it.
We're actually quite close.

- Noted.
You divorced in 2010.

She got the house, both cars,

and 85% of your salary
going forward.

That's a typo, right?

- It is not.
- How did she get so much?

- My lawyer was Hercules.
That's how they met.

- That seems real unethical.

- Again, lay off Hercules.
He's quite a decent man.

- All right, look, we need
some sort of bargaining chip.

Is there anything you got
in the divorce that she wanted?

- Yes--Abigail.

- I'm gonna just assume

Abigail's something
super weird.

- Nope.
She was our hairdresser.

- Ah, okay.

- It was awkward for her

to see both of us,
so she made us choose.

I mean, I couldn't
get rid of her.

She's the only stylist
in New York that can do this.

- Right, and do you think
Eleanor still wants Abigail?

- I mean, you saw
her hair today.

It's all volume, no sheen.

- Okay,
maybe we can use this.

Time to put on
our negotiation faces.

Not too intimidating
but always in control.

How's this?

- Oh, as if you don't know
it's perfect.

- Hey, Sergeant.

How are you?

- Well, my baby cries

at the sight of my face now,
so that's great.

- I mean, she's a baby;

she could be crying
at anything.

- Nope, she pointed
right at my nose

and then threw up.

What do you want, Santiago?

- I was just wondering
if you finished

writing that
recommendation letter.

It's due pretty soon.

- I'm working on it.

It's taking a little while

because it's hard
to concentrate,

what with all the agony.

- Okay, well, thank you
for still doing it.

If it helps, I brought you
some soothing ginger tea.

- Will it repair the place
where my nose came off my skull?

- I don't know,

but it's supposed to have
healing vapors.

So try inhaling it?

- Oh, thank you.

It burns!

- Oh!
- The vapors burn!

I'm sorry! I'll take it back!

- Oh, God, I'm sorry!
I'll get some cold water!

- No, no, don't.

I am petrified of you!

- All right, remember,

this is a negotiation.

We can't let her know
how badly you want this.

- Jake, what if
she destroys the sperm?

- She's not gonna
do that, Charles,

because then
she'd have no leverage.

All right, you know this;
they never shoot the hostage.

- Hey!

Did you threaten that
90-year-old man for me yet?

- What?
The guy you hit was 90?

- Yeah, and you would know that
if you had talked to him,

which obviously you did not,
so good-bye!

- No, no, wait, wait, look.

We can't help you out
until we know that

you actually have
the samples.

We need proof of life.

- I'd be happy to dump

one of the containers
out of the window.

- No, no, no, don't do that,
please!

Don't dumb my sperm on us!

- Hello, ma'am.
Top of the morning to you.

All right, look,
if you let us upstairs...

We'll give you Abigail.

- I'll buzz you in.

- And that is how
it's done.

Like taking candy
from a baby.

- Why would you bring up
babies right now?

- It's a saying.
- Who would do that?

- The question is,
why would someone

want to talk to Gina?

- That's very rude.

- It's obvious
why the guy wants to talk

to a civilian like her;
he's stalling.

- That's also rude.

Maybe he wants to talk
to a normal person

instead of two rude cops.

- Well, whatever his reason,
we have no other choice.

Gina take his statement.

- Yes, thank you!

I'm gonna get this guy
to admit

to crimes he hasn't
even committed.

- No, that would be
a huge problem.

- Copy that.

- We'll get you a file on him
so you can study up.

- That won't be necessary.
I'm gonna go with my gut.

He asked for Gina.

Let's give the people
what they want.

Steven, Steven, Steven...

You mind if I take a seat?

- Go for it.

- Oh, boy.

- Look, I'm not a cop.

I don't really like cops.

Honestly, I think
crime's kind of cool.

- Okay.
- Yeah, you get it.

- Are we still holding out hope
that this might work?

- I am.
Let's give her a shot.

- I feel like you and me
are really bonding.

I'm ready to give you
immunity.

- No, you're not.
That's not happening!

Gina, come out of there.

- Negative.

The guy wanted to talk

to a real person,
not a cop.

That's why he asked for me.

- Actually,
I asked for you

because we went
to high school together.

- What?
- Steven Henderson.

We had a bunch
of classes together.

Steven Henderson--
we made out once on the bus.

I mean--
do you not remember me?

- Uh...

- Eleanor.

- Jake.

- Charles.

- Okay, you just
said your own name, bud.

- It was the only one left.

- Okay, so we have
given you Abigail.

Now it's time for you

to make good
on your side of the deal,

and--I can't believe
I'm saying this--

show us Charles' sperm.

- It's my sperm.

It's in the freezer.

I'll be right back.

- Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

Abigail was our
only bargaining chip.

- Don't worry.
I have a plan.

As soon as she
comes back in here,

I'm gonna grab that cup
right out of her hands

and run like hell.

- You think that'll work?

- I don't just think it will.

I know it might.

- Here it is--cold and sad.
Just like you.

- How do I know that
that's really Charles'?

I'm gonna have to read
the label up close.

If I could just take
a look--

Go, Boyle!

- You really think
I'm that stupid?

It's called a dummy cup,
dummies.

- Damn it.
She's right; it's empty.

- Oh...
- I'm actually kind of relieved.

I did not want to see that.

- You two are messing with
the wrong woman.

And now
you're gonna pay for it.

- Wait, wait!
- Eleanor, Eleanor!

- There are
two real containers.

One is in a safe location,

and this is the other one.

Or rather,
it was the other one.

- No!

- She shot a hostage.

- Charles, what are you doing?

- I'm sorry, but I don't
have a choice, Jake.

I'm gonna go bully
an old priest

so I can get my sperms back.

- He's a priest?

- Yeah, I looked him up.

He's a priest,
a 90-year-old priest.

But don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'm just gonna casually yawn...

Thereby exposing
my gun and badge.

- Listen, you can't do this,
Charles; it's illegal.

- I have to.

You saw what Eleanor did

to millions of my babies.

I heard them scream!

- That was you.

- I am them,
and they are me.

- You could go to prison,
okay?

- You're right.
You're right.

What am I thinking?

Thank you
for looking out for me...

- Yeah.
- Friend.

- No!
What--

oh, Charles,
what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no!
Not the keys, no!

Oh, I should've known.

You're a hugger,
not a shaker.

- It was the most painful thing
I've ever done,

and I've taken three of my
grandparents off life support.

- How are you
always in charge of that?

Wait, Charles,
do not get in that car!

He's getting in the car.
- Sorry.

- Don't you drive away!

He's driving away.

Charles!

- I just got
an email from SAM-SAM.

Rejected?

I've never been rejected
from anything.

- Me neither.

Oops, did you say
rejected or ejected?

I've been rejected a lot.

- I don't understand.

My application was so good.

- You know what?
I've also been ejected.

Flume ride, Topeka, Kansas.

- How did this happen?

- Just forgot
to put on the belt.

- Jeffords.

- Good talk, Ames.

- You wrote me
a bad recommendation.

How could you?

- Excuse me?
- It's the only explanation!

You're mad that
I broke your face

and I burned
your whole body.

Well, grow up!

- Grow up?

I have a Roth IRA!

I eat wheat toast!
You grow up!

You know what?

Here's the letter
that I sent.

- "Amy Santiago is one
of the finest detectives

in my precinct--
nay, the entire NYPD."

- Yeah, I even
used the word "nay."

The idea that you would
question my integrity is so--

Uh-oh, I got to sneeze.
This is gonna hurt!

- Oh, oh, God.

- Oh, Hitchcock, thank God!

- Handcuffed yourself
to a car?

Been there.

- What?
No, Charles did this.

Here, quick,
hand me those keys.

Here we go.

- What will you
give me for them?

- Seriously?
What do you want?

- A dollar for a soda;
mine are all wet.

- Yes, obviously,
I'll give you that!

- Bam!

A soda only costs 75˘,
you fool.

See you later, sucker!

- Didn't even give him
the dollar.

- I know it seems
like I blew it,

but you got to give me
another crack at him.

Now that I'm aware
of our fascinating past,

I have all the ammo
that I need.

- Perhaps you would've
had that ammo

if you had read the file
Diaz offered you.

- No doubt. No doubt.
Gina culpa.

- Okay, you get
one more chance.

- I will not let you down.

Steven, Steven, Steven,
I have one question.

Who on the basketball team
was into me?

I want names.

- What?

- We don't have time
to play games, Steven.

- That's it.
I'm pulling her.

- No, no,
let her keep going.

- Question two...

Who on the lacrosse team
is into me,

and which one them
aged the best?

- ? A whole lot of woman... ?

? A whole lot of... ?

- In 4,000 feet,
stay straight.

- You interrupted
the song for that?

- Hello.

- Father, I understand

you were recently involved

in an automobile accident

with an Eleanor Horstweil.

- Oh, yes, uh,
she came up onto the sidewalk

and fractured my hip.

- You were a pedestrian?

- Are you technically
a pedestrian

if you're sitting
on a bench?

- Sitting on a bench...

Well, okay,
I don't want to tell you

to drop your suit
against her,

but I sure am getting sleepy.

- Excuse me?

- Yawns a-coming.

- I got you.

Hi there.
I'm Jake.

This is my best friend,
Charles.

He's trying to have a baby.
You get it.

Now, come here, you.

- Charles, I know you're mad,

but you have to talk to me.

- It's funny how
getting tased in the back

can break your heart

and also
really hurt your back.

- I'm sorry.

- I really wanted to be a papa,

and you ruined it.

You pop-blocked me.

- I know, but I couldn't
let you break the law.

And I won't let Eleanor
turn you into a bad person.

- What other choice do I have?

- There's always
a choice, Charles

And by the way,
DNA is not the only thing

that makes somebody
into a father.

I mean, not that
it's any of my business,

but I have biological father,
and he's a nightmare.

He never played catch
with me.

He never taught me
how to ride a bike.

I had to learn how to shave
from watching "Home Alone."

- Makes sense; it's like
"Die Hard" for kids.

- Plus, is this how
you really want it to go?

Eleanor controlling your life,
ruining your career?

- So what do I do?

- Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know that
you're gonna be a great dad

with or without your--

- Boyle oil.
- Nope, not gonna say it.

But you will.

There's still time left
on Eleanor's deadline.

I'm gonna unlock this door.

You do what you got to do.

That seems like a bad sign.

- Hey, Santiago,

you know why you didn't
get into SAM-SAM?

- Probably because I used

a modern format
on my cover letter

that put my email above
my home address.

Why take such a risk?

- No, I sent
the recommendation letter

to the wrong place.

I thought you were applying

to be a mentor,
not a mentee.

- You thought I wanted
to be a SAM, not a SAM?

Are you insane?

- Well,
you should be a SAM.

- No, I should be a SAM.

- We got to start saying
something other than SAM

because we are barreling
toward a misunderstanding.

Amy, you are ready
to be teaching others.

I made a call;
you're going to be a mentor.

- Oh, my God...

Sergeant, I'm so sorry

for ever questioning
your integrity.

Thank you so much--

- No, no, no, stand back.

Look, I'm still
very scared of you.

- Good news.
I got Steven to talk.

- Diaz, fantastic.
How did you do it?

Did you finally show him
the municipal court website

and the pulldown menus
you can't click on?

- No, I found something
we bonded over.

- She didn't even
know who I was.

And we were good friends.

- On more than one occasion,
she's called me Gina.

That's her own name.

- No, she didn't.

- We complained about
Gina for an hour,

and then he opened up--
gave me the name

of the guy he works for.

- I have never been so
insulted in my entire life.

I'm not gonna work cases
for you guys anymore.

- We were never
going to ask you to.

You just lost
your best detective.

- Charles, thank God.
What happened?

- I did it.
- Did what?

I'm freaking out over here;
you stormed off.

- Yeah, because
I was inspired by you.

I ran all the way to
Eleanor's house to tell her off.

- What do you want, Chunk?

- To let you know
you can keep my sperm.

I don't need it.

I'm in love
and I'm going to be a dad,

and there's nothing
you could do to stop me.

So good-bye forever.

Oh, and one more thing--

tell Hercules I'll see him
at spin class on Sunday.

Now good-bye!

- How do you guys feel?
- Great.

We were looking at
possible donors on the way over.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Check out this guy.

- I like him; he want to Yale.

Oh, wait, that says
"Yeal University."

Swipe him off.

- This is fun--
oh, that's weird.

That guy kind of looks
like my dad.

Wait a minute.
That is my dad.

You cannot use his sperm.

You cannot use his sperm.

- My son would be your brother!

- Not a doctor, shh.

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