Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Yippie Kayak - full transcript

- Ooh! Come here.
Come here, come here, come here.

You got to see this.

I'm about to give
Captain Holt his gift.

- Oh, did he lift
his "no gift" policy?

- No, he didn't.

But I figured out a way
to buy him something

and trick him
into accepting it.

- You are bad.
- I know, right?

Oh, wait.
You're making fun of me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I don't care.

He would never open a gift,
right?



But what if his gift
didn't look like a gift?

- He would open it?
- Exactly!

I left it in a cardboard box
on his desk.

There's no card,
just the words "Open now,"

which I wrote with my wrong hand

so he wouldn't recognize
my handwriting.

Captain.
- Santiago. Peralta.

- Sir.

So just to recap,

you left an unmarked package
on a police captain's desk

on a random Monday,
with a suspicious message

written on it that looked like

it was scrawled
by a crazy person.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bomb! There's a bomb!



Everyone out!
Let's go, let's go!

This is not a drill!

Let's go!

- Great gift, babe.

♪ ♪

- Ho, ho, ho, Jake.

Special delivery
from Santa's elf.

Merry Christmas.

- Ah.

- Heart Attack soda.
- Holy crap! I love this stuff!

You know, technically,
it's just carbonated fudge.

- I know.
- I thought they banned it.

- Not in Syria.

They use it to induce labor
in goats.

And your real present
arrives tomorrow.

- There's more?
Charles, this is too much.

- Nonsense!

It was just a lot of time
and a lot of money.

- Oh.

Gina!
I screwed up.

I forgot to get
Charles anything.

- Oh, well, I always knew
he would die of sadness.

- I'm such a selfish jerk.

I was just so focused
on Amy's gift

that I completely spaced.

His present to me was
so personal.

All right, think.
What does Charles love?

Gross food, tan pants,
"MasterChef Junior."

Ooh, I could call up
one of those kids

and offer them a free trip
to New York.

- I wouldn't do that.

- Right, 'cause I'm a stranger,

and I shouldn't be luring them
out of state.

Good call.
- Jake, just go to Goodwin's.

They're open late,
and they have everything.

- Right. Smart.
Please come with me.

Please, I need help
picking something out.

Please, Gina?

I'll take a pic of Terry
in the locker room for you.

- No towel, with his foot up
on the bench.

- Towel on, still wet
from the shower.

- I'm in.

- Hey, guys.
What's up?

Nothing.

- Diaz, are we still on
for the Polar Bear Swim tonight?

- It's either that or go
caroling with my family,

so, yeah.

I'd rather walk into
the freezing ocean.

- Wait, what?

You guys are doing
the polar swim?

Why didn't you ask me?

- Oh, we didn't think
you'd be interested.

- Yeah, you're always cold.

You brought a blanket
to a Mets game in mid-July.

- This one thinks
July 18th is mid-July.

You guys think I'm some kind
of wimp, but I'm not.

I am tough, and I'm strong,

and I love to splash around
in chilly water.

- It's not chilly,
it's as cold

as the waters of Cocytus,
the frozen lake of hell.

- I'll see you there.

I can't wait to dunk my junk.

- Okay, gang.
I'm out.

I'll be back on the 27th.

I've got two days
of family time.

Do not attempt to contact me.

I do not want a repeat
of last year

when Scully called me 50 times
on Christmas morning.

- No.
I called you once.

My butt called the other 49.

- Yeah, well, my brother-in-law
Zeke was real judgy

about how much
my phone was buzzing.

- Somebody's got
a lot of business to tend to.

Who are you?
Barbara Corcoran?

- He didn't even make me
one of the good sharks.

I'm clearly Lori.

Nobody call me.

- Gina!

It's our first annual
Boyle-Linetti Christmas.

Are you excited about going
to town on Daddy's nog?

- Christmas is cancelled.
Charles ruined it.

I'm gonna be a little late.

I got to help Jake
do some shopping.

- Oh, last-minute gifts.

Ooh, who didn't make the cut?

Tell me, Jake, who's the poor
sack at the bottom of your list?

- Actually, Amy.

- Amy? Oof! That's bad.
- Mm-hmm.

- Just give her
whatever you got me.

- Really?

But then I wouldn't have
a gift for you.

Would you be cool with that?

- No, that would eviscerate me.

I'll get my coat.

I'm gonna help you
find something for her.

- Oh, that's not necessary.
- Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Jake.

- Also not necessary
to touch my face.

- It's Christmas.
A time for friendship.

- Damn it.
All right.

I guess you'll just
have to distract him

when we get to the store.
- On it.

I'll take him to housewares
and I'll ask him

the difference between a skillet
and a frying pan.

That'll buy you six hours.
- Perfect.

Gina, you just saved Christmas.

- It's what I do.

Every damn year.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Wait! No, no, no, no, no!
Don't lock the door!

I just need to buy one thing.
I'll be so fast,

I won't even pay!

How did that not work?

- Hey, there's still
people in there.

They're not closed.

- First time at a retail store,
Oliver Twist?

They lock the doors,
but if you're still inside,

you get an extra 15 minutes
to finish up.

- Oh, perfect, so we should just
try and sneak in

an entrance through the back.

Boyle, you'll have to stay here.

It's too dangerous.

- No way I let you take
that risk alone.

- Damn it, you are loyal.

Shall we?

♪ ♪

Ohh!

♪ ♪

- Whereas, with the skillet,

the approach to fish skin
is completely different.

- Uh-huh.

- And your spatula technique
is completely intuitive.

- Please, tell me more.
- Okay. I got it.

They're closing.
Let's go.

- Oh, let's take a peep
at that purchase.

- Cologne?
- Uh, it's perfume.

For a lady. Woman.
- It's called "Canyon Stank."

It's got a man riding
a burro on it.

- Oh, does it? I didn't notice.
I just like the way it smelled.

- I wear this cologne, Jake.
I'm a Stank man.

- Um, I don't know,
maybe just subconsciously

I wanted Amy
to smell more like you.

- Okay, little creepy, bud.
Coming on real strong.

- Wow, the tables
have really turned.

- Shut up!
Keep walking!

- Shoot!
The store is being robbed!

Come here.

♪ ♪

All right, just slowly back up.
There's a door behind us.

We just have to get outside
and call the Nine-Nine.

Go.

- Just head for the vault.
We're good.

♪ ♪

- Lock 'em up!
- They're sealing the exits.

- Oh, my God.

It's real life "Die Hard."

I mean, "Oh, no! Crime."

- They've taken
all the security guards.

I left my gun in my locker.
Are you carrying?

- No, mine's at work.

Boyle Christmas charades
can get pretty competitive

and it's best not
to have firearms around.

- We don't need guns.
I have a lighter, okay?

We get some hairspray,
make some flamethrowers.

Let's fry these bitches.
- No one is frying any bitches.

Charles, did you call this
into dispatch?

- Yes, but I can't get in touch
with anyone from the Nine-Nine.

- Right--Amy, Rosa, and Holt are
having the time of their lives

splashing around
in the freezing, filthy ocean.

I'll try Terry.

- Thank you for
this amazing year.

Thank you for the food
in front of us.

And my family, which is
my number one priority.

Much more than... phones.

- Just take the call,
Barbara Corcoran.

- This better be an emergency.

There better be a gun
to your head.

- Charles, Gina, and I
are in a hostage situation.

- Oh, God, I shouldn't have said
the gun thing.

Terry regrets the way
he answered the phone.

- We're at Goodwin's.
There are multiple gunmen.

They've blocked all the exits,

they've taken
the security guards hostage,

and we're looking
for a place to hide.

It's awesome.

- Awesome?
- Awesomely serious.

I am not enjoying this,
no matter how much it is

100% my favorite movie
come to life.

- The important thing
is keep Gina safe.

You have a civilian with you.
I'm on the way.

- Cool. Oh!
Also bring a pic of yourself

in a towel
coming out of the shower.

Can't explain why, okay?
Gotta go, bye.

- There's a serious situation
going down

they need my help with.

- Did one of your detectives
lose his head up his own butt?

- You don't even
have a job, Zeke!

You know what, I'm not supposed
to be bringing this up,

but I'm bringing it up!

I'm sick of hearing
you got things brewing.

You ask me, the only thing
you got brewing is a pot of BS!

Kids, I love you.
Sharon, you are perfect.

Zeke, get a job!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Okay, we should be safe
in here.

This place looks good.

- Good?
It's great!

Santa's chair.

- All right,
ESU's on their way.

Our top priority
is keeping Gina safe.

- Keeping me safe?

I'm gonna help you
take these guys down.

- No, you're not doing
anything like that.

You're not a cop.

- I've watched what you do
for six years.

It's not that difficult.

"NYPD! You're under arrest!"

- That was clearly
an impression of Charles.

But stay here with him
while I do some recon.

- Wait, shouldn't we all
stick together?

- Someone has to asses
the situation, Boyle.

Plus, we're trapped,
on Christmas,

with a bunch of bad guys
who are very likely German.

This is my John McClane moment.

- Okay.
You're gonna need a tank top.

You can have mine.
- No need.

I snagged this on the way here.
- "Baby Grrl"?

- Yeah, they didn't have
the best selection.

I'll probably
just skip the tank.

- Yeah.
- I will return.

- Okay.
Gina.

- You all right?
You look pretty cold.

- I'm not. I'm actually hot.

Hot, and ready to get
this super fun thing over with.

- First, a toast.
- Great. Let's drag this out.

- To the sea.
- To the sea! Hear, hear!

- I wasn't done.

- Chill, Amy, let him finish
his ocean toast.

- Thank you, Rosa.

I'm reminded
of a beloved Christmas Carol

by English poet
Christina Rossetti.

"In the bleak mid-winter,
frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron,
water like a stone."

- Moan, stone, phone.
We get it.

Down the hatch.
Let's get this over with.

Gah!

Weeeeeeeee!

Noooo!

Oh, my God!

- Excuse me, Sergeant Jeffords
with the Nine-Nine.

I've got two detectives
and a civilian in there.

Who's in charge?

- I am, ding-dong.

- The Vulture?
- That's right. It's me.

In the flesh.

Happy Kwanzaa.

- Oh, man.
You can't say that.

♪ ♪

- All right, let's see
what we're dealing with.

I'll call you... Klaus.

♪ ♪

You will be Guenter.

With the little dots
over the U.

♪ ♪

Jurgen.

- Hey, Matt.
Are you in position?

- I'm here.

- Oh, great,
the bad guy's name is Matt.

Hey, sorry that took so long.

Gina, you doing okay?
You scared?

- I'm scared you won't let me
make a flamethrower

and use it to throw flame.

- You're right.
I will not do that.

You're gonna stay here
and keep hiding.

Boyle and I are gonna
handle this.

Here's the situation.
12 terrorists, 1 cop.

Just the way he likes it.

- Who's he?
- Me!

- Why are you calling yourself
"He"?

- Because that's the tagline
from the "Die Hard" poster,

and also
my high school yearbook quote.

- Oh, I knew I recognized it.
Next time, lead with that.

- Right. Sorry.
Also, there aren't 12 of them.

There are seven, and they're not
terrorists, they're robbers.

They brought drilling equipment
to break into the safe.

- Okay, so it's really seven
robbers, two cops, and one Gina.

- Yes. Exactly.
- Yeah.

- Where's Gina?

- Gina?

- There she is.
She went for the hairspray.

She is incorrigible.

- Who are you? Come here.
- No!

- No, no, no, no.
Jake, they're taking Gina.

- Yeah, I know.
We're looking at the same thing.

- What?
They got Gina?

I told you to watch her!
- I know.

I am so sorry, but I promise
you, we will get her back.

- Oh, this is bad.

I got to report this
to the Vulture.

He's in charge.

- Ugh!
The Vulture?

I thought he was on his massage
tour of Southeast Asia.

- He's leaving tomorrow.

That's why he wants this
over quickly.

He wants to storm the building.
- No!

No, no, no.
That is a bad idea.

Look, we still haven't
figured out

where they're holding Gina
and the rest of the hostages.

If you guys come
busting in here,

things could go sideways
real fast.

- That's what I told him,
but then he just

repeated it back to me
in a lady's voice.

- Listen to me, Sarge.

Boyle and I can take these guys
out one by one

and no one will get hurt.

Just ask the Vulture to give me
some more time.

He'll be reasonable.

What am I talking about?
It's the Vulture.

Tell him Tila Tequila's doing
a free show in Central Park.

- Then how come Tila
just posted a selfie

from the Kid Rock show
in Daytona, bro?

Yeah, I follow her.
You know what?

I know what's going on here.

Jake wants to go solo, and he's
trying to steal my thunder.

- He's inside and he has eyes
on the situation.

- Look, I'm in command here.
Look around you.

I control all of this.

You see that guy behind you?
That sniper?

He'll shoot whoever
I tell him to.

Even you.

- No, I won't.
- Fine.

Then, uh, he'll sit
on any rooftop I tell him to.

Hey, go sit on
that rooftop, guy.

- Look, just give Jake
a chance.

If he fails, then you can
storm the building.

- I'll give him a chance
to sit on his little white butt

and wait for me
to come rescue him.

You tell him
that I'm Liam Neeson

and he's my hot,
dumb daughter.

- All right, we're outnumbered
and unarmed.

If we're gonna get Gina back,
we need weapons.

This place sells
hammers, wrenches--

- Do they sell plants?

Because some of that
potting soil is very toxic

if ingested in large quantities.

- So you want to feed
the bad guys a lot of soil?

- Force-feed 'em.

- Okay, that's a good option

that I will definitely consider.

Now, let's go out there
and gear our asses up.

Quietly.

- ♪ Slam, da duh duh,
da duh duh ♪

♪ Make noise, b-boys ♪

- ♪ I'm the nitty, nasty,
gritty smashing ♪

♪ Never slow gassing ♪
- ♪ Fool ♪

- ♪ Strictly swift blast
of the raspy-rasp fashion ♪

♪ Hit between the eyes,
I plan to vandalize ♪

♪ I supply the static,
I run with the bad guys ♪

♪ The villains, crooks,
highlighters and the fighters ♪

♪ See the big black picture
if you look inside of ♪

♪ ♪

- Ho ho ho?

- ♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪

- ♪ Da duh duh,
Let the boys be boys ♪

♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪

♪ Da duh duh,
Make noise, b-boys ♪

♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪

- ♪ Da duh duh,
Let the boys be boys ♪

♪ Slam, da duh duh,
da duh duh ♪

- Hey, Matt.

- Oof!

- That'll teach you to have
a dumb, normal name.

All right, where are you
holding the hostages?

- Oh, bet you'd
like to know, eh?

- Canadian?
No!

You're so clearly
supposed to be German.

- Are any of you German?
- Mm-mm.

- Russian?
- Mm-mm.

- North Korean?
- Mm-mm.

- Greek?

- I don't trust the way
the Greeks dance.

- No one does.

- You there?

- Oh.

Uh, yeah, I was oot,
but now I'm back, eh?

- Meet me in
the service corridor.

We've got a situation
with the hostages.

- Okey dokey,
sorry to hear aboot that.

Service corridor.

- That was great, Jake.
- Thanks.

- Peralta just texted.
He knows where the hostages are.

He wants 15 more minutes.

- And I want
my lesbian neighbors

to be way hotter than they are,

but we can't always get
what we want, right?

I'm ordering that raid.
Hey!

Give that back to me.
Are you serious?

I will end your career.

You'll be out there
working as a model

because, well, you know,
you're shredded,

and I respect that.

Give me that walkie talkie,
now.

- Those are my people in there!

You are not gonna give
that order!

- Stand down.
- No.

- Stand down
or I'm gonna make you.

Hey, you turds,
get off the roofs and help me!

Get off your roofs!

- I can't do it.
I'm a wimp, just like you said.

- I didn't say that,
and I don't care if you go in.

- Be honest. You're judging me.
- I'm really not.

- I am, a bit.

No lies on Christmas.

Diaz, shall we?

- What?
Oh!

Oh.
Guys!

Captain? Rosa?
Oh, please hear me from land!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh!

- Ahh!
Welcome to the frozen--

- Shut your dumb poem mouth!

I'm so sorry.
No, I'm not!

We have a crisis. We have to go.
Let's go.

Cold, cold, cold, cold,
cold, cold, cold.

♪ ♪

- How are we gonna get past them
without a gunfight?

- I'll tell you how
John McClane would do it.

The vents.

- Ah, blast the AC,
they get chilly,

they leave to find sweaters.

- No, we're gonna
climb through them.

- Even better.
Classic use of vents.

- Yeah.

- I think we're good.

I don't think
we're good anymore.

- Who's there?
Dave, is that you?

- What are we gonna do?
They know we're here.

- No, they know I'm here.

Quick, hide.
Go, go, go, go.

Hey, hosers.
It's me, Dave, eh?

Didn't work.

- Jake.
Jake! Jake!

- Ah!
- Are you okay?

- Oh, my head hurts.

Probably from being conked
on it.

How are you?
- I'm tied up. I'm scared.

This guy hasn't stopped farting
for the last hour.

- I keep telling you,
it's not me.

- Ramon, do you really want
your last words to be a lie?

- Those aren't gonna be your
last words, Ramon, all right?

We're all gonna be fine.

They're gonna drill
into the safe,

take the money, and then go.

- They don't need to drill
into the safe.

They had my ID.
They already have all the cash.

- What?

Then why'd they bring
all that heavy-duty equipment?

- So you're a cop.

- Ah.
- I hate cops.

They gave me this.
- Nice!

Finally, a good bad guy.
This dude gets it.

- Now I'm gonna kill you.

- Okay, you took it
a little too far.

Maybe scale it back a skosh.

- All set down here.

- Okay, start loading out.

I just have one piece
of business to take care of.

- You know, killing a man
is not as easy as it sounds.

- I've killed ten men.

- And that's such a nice,
round number.

Wouldn't you agree?
I mean, imagine.

"I've killed 11 people."
It just sounds so cumbersome.

- - Ooh!

- Yippie kayak, other buckets!

- Boyle!
You did it!

And you completely botched
the catchphrase.

- I'm pretty sure it was right.
- No, but you did great.

Ahh.

- All right.

- Look, we have to stop
the other robbers.

They're escaping with the merch.

- How?

Terry's got the place
surrounded.

- The drill.
It's not for the safe.

They're using it
to tunnel out of here.

And those farts
Gina kept smelling?

- Uh-huh. They were Ramon.
- No, it was sewage.

- And Ramon.

- We have to tell Terry they're
escaping through the sewers.

- What's a brother got to do
to get a wet wipe?

- Don't say that.

♪ ♪

- Merry Christmas.
- Ho ho ho.

- I'm starving.

- "I'm starving"?
We had a thing going!

- Jake!
Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

- Wow, you were really worried
about me?

- Mm-hmm, also your face
is so warm,

and I think I have hypothermia.

- Sergeant, we need to talk.

- I'm not in trouble for what
I did to the Vulture, am I?

You think people will believe
he threw himself in the garbage?

- No.

But this was
a high-pressure situation,

and you rose to the occasion.

You may have
saved lives tonight.

- The squad is my family,

and I'll always protect
my family.

Except for Zeke.

That deadbeat giant
can fend for himself.

- There's a Lieutenant's exam
coming up,

and I think you should take it.

It's the next step
to becoming a Captain.

- I didn't do anything.
It was all Jake and Charles.

- Mm, spoken like
a true Captain.

Also, you are in trouble.

You're suspended one week.

But you've got a bright future.

But I'll need
your badge and gun.

- Hey, buddy.

I couldn't find the cologne
you wanted to give Amy,

but I did get
a Canyon Stank gift set.

It's all three stanks,
plus the body spray.

- Oh, wow. Thanks, Charles.
- Yeah.

- Look, I didn't forget
Amy's gift.

I forgot yours.

The Canyon Stank was for you.

- What?
Why didn't you just tell me?

Oh, because it would have
crushed my heart

and ruined our friendship.

Good call.

- Look, it sucks,
and I was selfish.

I should have gotten you
something better.

- You did.

You surrendered yourself
to keep me safe.

Not only that, you sacrificed
your John McClane moment.

It should have been you saying,
"Yippie kayak, other buckets!"

- Ah, I know you have
the moral high ground right now,

but it still makes me so angry.

- Eh.

- Anyways,
Merry Christmas, buddy.

- You too, buddy.

- Gina!

♪ ♪

- Hey, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Hey!

Hey! Oh!

- - Whoa!

- It works!
The flamethrower works!

Yeah!
- No, Gina, no!

Gina, no!

- Somebody take her down!

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

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