Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Chocolate Milk - full transcript

(Terry)
Okay, great.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks, doctor.

Have a good one.

Hey there, sarge.

Not to pry but I couldn't
help but overhear...

You're going to the doctor?
Everything okay?

I'm getting a vasectomy.

My ears are burning.
Did someone say "vasectomy?"

I got snipped.
No big deal.

Just numbs you out from
trunk to skunk for a year.

It's not supposed to.



"Trunk to skunk"?

Hold it up.

You're gonna let some quack doctor

just knife around down there?

You are blessed with a great power.

And you should never snip its wings.

You should let it soar.

Thanks guys, that's enough.
I don't need anymore input.

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Look, you guys,

if the sergeant wants
to chop off his penis,

that is his choice.

That's not what a vasectomy is.

If you guys don't get back to work,



I'm gonna start firing detectives.

And blanks!

Sorry.
I just never think of jokes.

Anybody else?
This is your last chance.

Oh, God.
No need to be so testes.

Guess you won't be
manning the "tip line."

Sergeant, is this gonna go
on your "sperm-anent record"?

Now playing:

"Scrotal recall"!

♪ ♪

Hey sarge, great news.

I just got assigned
such a dope stabbing.

Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.

But here's the dope part:
The guy survived

and he owns
a chocolate milk restaurant.

- Seriously?
- I know, right?

Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend

my mouth and I can get behind.

Wanna hop on the case with me?

We're a killer team.

Jeffords and Peralta.

Jake and Terry.

Chocolate and milk.

I mean, I'm the chocolate

and you're the milk 'cause
you're so full of protein!

Don't be mad!
Just do the case!

Okay, but I have my vasectomy today.

So I need to be back in a few hours

to catch my ride to the doctor's.

My neighbor's driving me

because my wife's out of town
with the girls.

Why don't I drive you?

I don't know.

I guess I didn't really think
of you as that kind of friend.

Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.

I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler,
I'm Rachel, I'm...

Who's the dinosaur guy?

Ross, bro!
Ross!

Sorry, I forgot you were
such a ross-head.

So look, we'll work this thing together

and afterwards,
I will be your friend chariot

to the penis-removal
of the century.

The new NYPD commissioner is planning

a complete reorganization of the force.

But first, he'll be sending
a deputy chief

to every precinct to conduct
a top to bottom evaluation.

What? When?
Are we gonna be graded?

Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?

Scale of one-to-five.

That's how many
letter grades there are.

Feels like they're just
being weird using numbers

instead of letters.

Yeah, they're being weird right now.

Boyle.
Diaz.

I want the evidence room
organized beyond reproach.

Santiago, when I greet
the deputy chief,

I want you there by my side
to make a good impression.

No offense, but you are
something of a teacher's pet.

None taken!
People love their pets.

Good news is
our evaluation will be done

by deputy chief Brandt.

We have a good rapport.
He was once my captain.

So he's kind of like
our grand-captain.

That is amazingly funny.

Well, I was closing up
around 11:00.

I heard the door open.

I just figured it was
some "milkers."

That's what we call our regulars.

Do ya?

Anyway, next thing I know,
the guy stabs me in the back

like... like right here!

Like some kind of psycho wuss!

Can you think of anyone
who might wanna harm you?

[Blows raspberries]
Yeah.

I mean, you don't get
into this line of business

to make friends.

Really? I would think
making chocolate milk

is a great way to make friends.

I don't have proof,
but the guy who did this

to me is my business partner,
Gregory Phillips.

He's still pissed at me
because I banned him

from my 'straunt.

He was supposed to be
my silent partner,

but he wasn't silent.

He was trying to control everything.

Here, try this.

All right, here we go.
Finally!

(Terry)
All right.

Oh! Ugh!
It's so bitter!

What's wrong with this chocolate milk?

Dark milk isn't chocolate milk.

[Gasps]

This is teat-to-mouth
raw cow's milk.

The bitterness of the chocolate

brings out the sourness in the milk.

That's the worst part
of both of those things!

Uh, time for my appointment, Jake.

Yup, got it.

All right, we'll look into this
and get back to you.

Okay, sarge.

Hate to be "that kind of a friend,"

but let's go chop off that penis.

Where were you?
This is chaos.

Gina's been filing evidence
by "perp hotness."

I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news.

My sister was gonna go with me
to an engagement party

but she had to cancel.

So go alone.
Maybe you'll meet some new bag.

It's my ex-wife Eleanor's
engagement party.

I can't go alone.

I'm worried it might seem
a little pathetic.

Yeah, if only you could've
gone with your sister.

Dude, why are you going

to your ex-wife's
engagement party at all?

She and her fiance, Hercules,
are also my landlords.

I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.

I live in their basement.

Hey!

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- No.

- You could go with me.
- Can't.

- I have a date tomorrow night.
- Okay.

I will figure something out.

I know!

Maybe if I pay my neighbor, Joann,

she'll ditch her wife for the night!

Captain, I don't know
if this is too much

but I got deputy chief Brandt
this little basket of pears.

They look ripe and crispy.

(Madeline Wuntch)
Hello, Raymond.

Captain Wuntch.
Good to see you.

But if you're here,
who's guarding Hades?

It's deputy chief Wuntch now.

Unsurprisingly,
I've been promoted above you.

And now I'm here to evaluate you.

(Holt)
What happened to Brandt?

He retired and moved to Charleston

to be closer to his grandchildren.

So much for dying at your desk
with a little dignity.

Interesting.

I will attempt to cooperate with you.

Under these new circumstances.

Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.

I gave it my best shot.
Let's begin.

Hey, hey!

How'd it go?

Is his voice
all high-pitched now?

What?
No, of course not.

Of course not.

Jake!

The doctors made me into a superhero!

I am so strong!

[Gasps]
And they made me black!

He's on a lot of medication.

We weren't able to do the procedure.

Your friend is so large...

That you needed a bigger saw
to get through his dingus?

No, his body is so physically massive

that we didn't have
enough anesthesia on hand.

He needs a much larger dose.

Psst... psst...
Jake.

Sometimes I can't tell
my twin baby girls apart,

so I call them both
"boo-boo."

[Both laughing]

Wow.
So he has no filter whatsoever?

None.

I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.

Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?

He needs to smoke some weed.

Yes!

Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!

Okay, in ya go.
You're okay.

Whoo! Cool!

Dude, your head is so small!

Like a...

No, no, it's so small!

All right.

Where do you keep your brains?

[Terry roaring]

Good.

All right, got your PJS on,
read you a story,

checked under the bed for monsters.

Check again!

And now it's sleepy-time,
so here we go...

Wait, wait, wait...

You gotta promise me you won't let them

give me the operation.

I wanna have more kids.
I don't want the vasectomy.

Promise me, tiny head!
Promise me!

All right, I promise!
I promise.

Good!

Because I'm not done
with my testicles yet.

Okay.

I'm gonna let them sing!

[Vocalizing operatically]

Uh-oh,
walk of shame!

Same clothes as yesterday.

I slept at the sarge's.

It was horrible.

Come... here...
Phone!

All right, let's get going
and interview that suspect.

I have my make-up vasectomy
this afternoon so...

I'm sorry,
your what-what vasectomy?

Last night, you told me
you didn't want that.

Then you fell on top of me

and changed the shape
of my skeleton forever.

No, I definitely want one.

That was the drugs talking.
I was high as a kite.

- Did I do this and call you "tiny head?"
- Yes.

Some things are coming back to me now.

Oh, that's great.

[Terry laughs]
Tiny head.

Jake, I am so scared
that man is about to make

a huge mistake,
re: His vas deferens.

I know, he made me promise
to not let him get that surgery.

And it wasn't just the drugs.
He doesn't want this.

As his friend, it's my job to stop him.

[Back cracks, groans in pain]

Sorry, Terry turned my spine
into a loose stack of pebbles.

And since my arrival,
violent crime has gone down

by 17.3%,
as you can see here.

Two-toned graphs?

You think you can distract me
from the precinct's problems

with a flashy presentation?

Same old Ray Holt.

All sizzle, no steak.

I'm off to do
some spot-checks.

Oh, my God.
She's totally gonna flunk us.

I haven't gotten an "F"

since I failed recess in second grade.

"Teachers need a break too,
Amy."

We were doomed the minute
she slithered into the precinct.

It's funny.
When we first met,

we had some good times.

Looks like we both want that stapler.

Seems that way based on what happened.

[Both laughing]

So when did it all go south?

1989. I was up
for a big promotion,

which would've fast-tracked
my career.

Wuntch offered to write
a letter on my behalf

but instead, she torpedoed me
because of something

that happened the night before
she was to turn it in.

Madeline.

Would you care for a drink?

I'd love one.

I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.

I've had a couple
to build up the nerve.

I think we both know
what I'm about to say.

Raymond...

I don't think we need to say anything.

I'm gay.

That's what I was going to tell you.

Well, then.

She sabotaged my career
because I refused to bed her.

He thinks I stabbed him?
That's crazy.

He said you were furious
at him because he banned you

from the restaurant
and called your business plans

"terrible."

The text reads:

"Your ideas are dumb-dumb
batter in a stupid pancake,

you steaming pile
of human fences."

I assume that was
auto-corrected from "feces."

Look, partners fight.
He's difficult to work with,

but I would never try and kill him.

Where were you on monday
around 10:00 pm?

Me and my business school
buddies get together

every monday and have a couple beers.

Also, there's a... uh...
Pilates studio

with a huge window across the street

so it's a pretty sweet view.

I guess that's not as bad
as stabbing someone?

I left around 10:00,

I took the subway home,
got off at York street,

around my house, puked on
a statue, went to bed.

Classy. All right, well, we've
taken up enough of your time

enjoy the rest of your day
and go back to your life

as "a pile
of human fences."

Okay, let's see if
any of DRK MLK's neighbors

saw the pilates perv or anyone else

fleeing the scene of the crime.

Copy that.

We'll do some cop stuff,
have a heart-to-heart

about your vasectomy,
cancel your vasectomy,

grab some drinks, laugh about the time

you almost got a vasectomy.

Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man.

Maybe you should focus
on your own body.

When's the last time you had a carrot?

Well, it's my least favorite
type of cake, so rarely.

If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.

Hey!
Cut it out, cake boy.

You're making health
insurance more expensive

for everyone else!

Yeah? Well, you know what
else drives up premiums?

Unwanted genital removal!

[Door opens]

[Sighs in relief]
Thank you for coming.

I wasn't sure if you'd get my message.

Charles, it was kind of hard to miss.

Oh, God!

Hey, I didn't know what to do.

You said we weren't
allowed to talk at work

now that we're knocking boots.

Ew, gross.

Listen,
my ex-wife's throwing

an engagement party this weekend

and I was wondering
if you wanted to go...

As friends.

No, Charles, just because
we have secret, shameful sex

does not mean we are friends.

Forget friends.
Let's go as "bone bros."

Ugh!

I didn't strike you when
you said "knocking boots,"

but "bone bros"?
I cannot abide.

Have you seen this man around DRK MLK.

Oh, I don't go there.

They don't allow babies in there.

What is wrong with them?

All I drank when I was a baby
was chocolate milk.

Well, thank you for your time.

And thank you, adorable little baby,

who's probably giving my partner

some mixed feelings right about now.

"Don't get the operation, sarge!

Instead, make a tiny muscular
friend for me to play with!"

That's enough.

I'm with you.
That's enough, baby.

Mind your own business.

I haven't heard of DRK MLK

and I've never seen this man before.

This is your lead?
Why are we here?

Well, according to the Internet,

Dr. Mindel is the best
couples counselor

in the Park slope area, who
accepts same day walk-ins.

Couples counseling?

Sorry for wasting your time.

Wait, please don't leave.

This cost me so much money.
[Door closes]

I am so sorry.

He's walking out.

Just like your father did.

Wait a minute,
I didn't tell you about that.

Didn't have to.

You are good!

Sarge, wait up!
Come on, don't be mad!

Look, I'm only trying to protect you

from your very stupid self.

That is enough, Jake!

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

And the things you said
when you were whacked-out

were real.

You made me promise.
And as your friend...

I told you, Jake.

We're not that kind of friends.

Not what kind of friends?

"Friend" friends.

You and I are work friends.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I'm going to the doctor's office.

Not good enough.

Prepare to be physically
overpowered by a "friend" friend.

Argh!

Cancel the appointment!
I've got you!

You can't move.

Concede defeat, sir.

You have been conquered.

(Madeline)
Spot-checks are done.

Needless to say,
I thoroughly underwhelmed.

Huh.
From your expression,

I would've guessed
constipated or chilly.

Excuse me, captain, I don't want to say

that I saved the day,
but I will because I did.

So...

The letter of recommendation
she wrote for you 25 years ago.

Where'd you get this?

I just went down to one police plaza

and applied some
of my signature Amy charm.

And then when you wouldn't stop,
they just gave it to you?

More or less.

The point is,
the letter's very positive.

You thought she wrote
mean stuff about you

because of the...
Night before.

But she didn't.
It was all a misunderstanding.

(Madeline)
Wait a minute...

You thought I cost you that
promotion because you're gay?

That's what you've been mad
about all these years?

It's... one reason.

I don't care that
you rejected my advances.

Your sexual identity is the one thing

I actually respect about you.

Then what are you mad about?

I'm mad because you tried
to get me thrown off the force.

Yeah, because you shot me.

I shot you because you were
in the wrong position.

You weren't following orders.

What about the time you
destroyed my personnel file

while I was undercover?

What if there had been a mole?

You were trying to make me disappear.

You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter!

You embarrassed yourself
in front of Derek Jeter.

(Charles)
Hey, Rosa!

Better file me under "E"
for "edgy."

- What?
- Cornrows!

Why?

My ex-wife and her fiance
go to Jamaica all the time.

The theme of their party is:
"Jamaican me marry you."

So good!

So...

I still don't have a date.

Unless this sweet maize-head
has changed your mind.

I think we both know it hasn't.

We do.
[Clears throat]

Fair enough.

[Exhales deeply]

Why do you look so terrible?

I tried to stop sarge
from getting his tubes tied.

But he somehow managed to
sneak off to the hospital.

Zip that lip!
He's doing it?

He wouldn't listen to me.
He said I was a "work friend."

Ah, that chills me.
And it reminds me of a story.

I had this sweater,
and it was a work sweater

because it only seemed work apropes,

but then one time,
I wore it out to dinner

and I was like, "oh, dang!

This sweater is cute
everywhere."

I get it.
I'm the sweater.

No.

And I have to show the sarge
I can be a good friend

to him outside of work too.

No!

Thank you, Gina.

I'm gonna stop him.

Jake, I have no idea
what you're talking about,

but good luck!

Well, good-bye, Raymond.

Anything you'd like to say to me

before I complete my evaluation?

Something in the form of groveling?

Never.
Fail me if you must.

You're just gonna let her fail us?

I'm sorry about your
precious grade, Santiago,

but this isn't about you.

Don't "this isn't about you" me!

I'm "this isn't
about you"-ing you!

That grade is the only thing
standing between me

and a future where you're
not my captain anymore.

Wuntch failed the nine-oh
and their captain was fired.

I attempted to cajole her
but she rebuffed me.

I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.

Well, you better become one
because I need you in command.

This precinct needs you in command.

Cajole up, captain.

Sarge, hey!

What the hell
are you doing here, tiny head?

You better not be trying to talk
me out of my surgery again.

Look, I'm not trying to
talk you out of anything.

I'm just here to give you a ride home

and to prove to you once and for all

that I'm more than just a work friend.

Thank you, microscope head.

Hey, a little bit of good news!

I figured out the case!

Remember Gregory said he got off

at the York street station
the night of the stabbing?

Well, I took the subway here

and it's closed for construction.

Hmm...

So what you're saying is...

I stabbed him.

I did it.

You know what?
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

See you on the other side.

Jake, you were right!

I don't want the surger, tiny head!

NYPD!

Put down the scalpel and step away

from my work friend's
weiner-tubes!

Looking good, Boyle!

Ugh, that's not a good sign.

Hey, mon.

Rosa...
You changed your mind!

I blew off my date, and instead,

I'm going to spend a hellish evening

in a Jamaican torture chamber with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Here's what's about to happen.

We're gonna go to this terrible party,

I'm gonna laugh at all your jokes,

gonna talk about your medal of valor,

and I'm gonna make you look
like a Jamaican God of rhythm.

Sebastian from the little mermaid.

Also, tomorrow, I'm gonna help
you find a new apartment.

You can't live in your
ex-wife's basement anymore.

Wow!
Respect, mon.

I'm gonna read you my toast in the car.

You're giving a toast?

More like we're giving a toast.

[Groans]

(Jake)
There we go.

Jake, I have to tell you something.

Oh, boy.

I am a little conflicted
about having a vasectomy.

Really?

Is that why you threw
an EKG machine at the doctor?

I'm sorry I thought of you
as a work friend.

You're here, man.
You're a friend friend.

You made Terry get real
with himself and his genitals.

Your tiny head has
a big heart inside it.

I know that's scientifically
wrong, but thanks, sarge.

I'm gonna talk to my wife
when she comes home.

You're a huggy good friend.

No! Not again.

Santiago, we received our grade.

Oh, my God.
Is this good-bye?

There's still so much
I have to say to you.

2.7.
Mediocre.

But enough for you to stick around.

How did you get her to change her mind?

I had to compromise
everything I stand for.

You are now, and always have been,

the superior police officer.

And?

The Derek Jeter thing was my fault.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

No, you were right.

This is the best job I've ever had

and it would be foolish to
give it up over a petty feud.

Here, this is for you.

It's a grade for your
performance these past few days.

A letter grade, so as
to not be "weird" about it.

Oh, my God.
You really shouldn't have.

An "A."

Thank you.

Just curious,
does your system have pluses

in it, or is, like, "A" the highest?

How'd the interrogation go?

Gregory confessed to the stabbing.

Nice work.

I just talked to my wife.

We're waiting on the operation,
everything's cool.

Did you tell her
we slept together twice?

Thanks for taking care of me.
I got you a present.

Do you know what a present is, Terry?

I care about my friends.

Now eat your carrots, or I'll
rip your tiny head off.

No! No! No!

Come here.

[Gags]

I hate being friends with you!