Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Jimmy Jab Games - full transcript

The precinct holds a competition while on stand-by for a motorcade, Holt has another run-in with Deputy Chief Wuntch, Boyle needs to get an incriminating videotape from Hitchcock, and Rosa thinks Peralta still has feelings for Santiago.

Ugh, motorcade duty.

So boring.

I honestly would rather sit around

and listen to you talk about
the right way to make paella.

There's more than one
right way to make paella, Jake.

There are ten right ways.

You got classic Valencian, modern...

No, wait, stop.
I changed my mind.

I've made a horrible mistake.

Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for.

Quick question, can I have your
friend Katie's phone number?



I want to ask her out.

No, I don't mix
personal and professional.

You're never getting her number.

Never like, "we're never gonna
have a black President" never?

'Cause that happened.

A real never.

Like if you ever ask me
about this again,

you're never gonna be able
to eat without a straw.

Yeah, okay, well... you

are on the wrong side
of history, my friend.

Katie, huh?

Wow, I can't believe you're
not still pining for Amy.

I mean, I pine for years.

I still think about Mia, the
nurse that helped my nana pass.



Yes, I know.

You've told me, like, a hundred times

about the time your nana collapsed

and accidentally
pulled Mia's pants down.

Best day of my life.

I don't have feelings for Amy anymore.

So time for me to get out there

and spread my w...

Legs.

Get out there and spread my legs?

Well, e-either way.

No, not either way.
Only wings.

Listen up.

There's been an issue
with the motorcade.

The Serbian President
is delayed in Washington,

and we can't start
locking down intersections

until he takes off.

Apparently he's on an important call

with the Albanian President.

Is that Bujar Nishani
or is it still Bamir Topi?

Oh, Ames, let me check.

Hmm, it just says no one likes you.

There's a three-hour delay,
minimum.

Captain Holt and I will have
to leave for a meeting

at 1 Police Plaza.

You should all stay prepped and ready.

Dismissed.

Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.

Three-hour delay
with no Holt or Terry?

Do you have any idea what this means?

- Makeovers.
- No, Charles.

The Jimmy Jab games!

Yeah!

The first Jimmy Jabs were held in 2008,

when the King of Iraq...

President, Iran.
Armen Jimmy Jab.

Ahmadinejad.
Came to New York,

and were on call
for nine glorious hours

in case there were protests.

On that day, a young
genius named Jake Peralta

used the last piece of his bagel

to create the first Jimmy Jab event.

The monster mouth bagel toss.

Oh.

And the rest was history.

As soon as Holt and Terry leave,

we will commence with Jimmy
Jab seven, circus of fools.

Jimmy Jabs...

Jimmy Jabs.

Jimmy Jabs.
Jimmy Jabs.

Jimmy Jabs!
Jimmy Jabs!

Jimmy Jabs!

Seems like we're ready for our meeting

with deputy chief Wuntch.

Is that how you plan on sitting?

Leaning back like
a matinee-goer?

Madeline will eat you alive.

That's no better.

Hands folded on your lap
like a pervert.

Sir, what are you so nervous about?

There's a new drug in the precinct,

and we need updated
narcotics field kits.

All we're asking for is $1,200.

How could she say no to that?

Sergeant, as long as I'm asking for it,

Madeline Wuntch can say no to anything.

Ugh, may I?

Those are my tissues, Raymond.

If you were planning on sneezing,

you should have brought your own.

Sir, she's a deputy chief.

I'm sure she wants
what's best for the community.

She doesn't care about the community.

She only cares about defeating me.

This is war, sergeant.

The war on Wuntch.

Oh, good.
You've named it.

So Jimmy Jabs, huh?

What do you say we make it
interesting this year?

Aha! We could play
for Katie's number.

No.

Is this why you wanted
to do Jimmy Jabs?

No. Yes.
Why? What gave it away?

You said, "aha"
and snapped your fingers.

Ah.

Oh, you wanna go out
with Rosa's friend Katie?

That's great.
She's cool.

I know, but Rosa has this dumb rule

about not mixing work
with personal stuff.

That's actually not a bad policy.

I once gave my aunt
a jaywalking ticket,

and things really
deteriorated between us.

Hmm.
But Jake and Katie

would be awesome together.
I know, right?

She's single.
I'm single.

She's pretty.
I'm pretty.

So it's settled.

If I win the Jimmy Jabs,
you give me her number.

And if I lose, you don't
have to give it to me.

I already don't have to give it to you.

All right, I'll give you $200,

and I'll never ask you
for another phone number again.

Done.

Hello, Gina.

It's daylight, Boyle.
Why are we talking?

This is an emergency.

I've been filming my fitness routine

with the precinct camera
to help improve my form.

That's where I got these tree trunks.

But I realized that I left the tape

in the camera, and now it's gone.

Who cares?

Who cares?
Who cares?

You probably will.

Oh, Boyle, I love that you're trying

to step up your sex game.

But strength is not your issue.

Stop humming.

And it does not turn me on

when you bend over and back up into me.

Did someone check out
the camera this morning?

Yes, Hitchcock.

And if he sees it,
he will tell everyone.

You need to get that damn tape.

- Okay.
- We're off.

You'll get word when
the Serbian President

- is wheels-up.
- You got it, sarge.

We'll just be here till you get back.

Calmly and respectfully prepping.

All right, they're gone!

Ceremonial bagel.

Flask.

Flame.

♪ Jimmy jaaaaaabs ♪

♪ Jimmy jaaaah-aaaah ♪

♪ Aaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah ♪

♪ Ooooh ♪

Let the games begin.

Welcome to the Jimmy Jabs.

We play for pride.

We play for the phone numbers
of Rosa's friends.

But most importantly, we
play to watch Amy lose.

- Nope. This is my year.
- It's my year too.

Please don't align yourself with me.

Why not?

Neither of you have ever
come close to winning.

You're exactly the same,
just a couple of Santiagos.

But the real prize is
the Winchester 3000,

the only chair in the precinct

with minimal staining,
good lumbar support,

and no broken rolly-wheels.

Over to you, Gina.

Thank you, Jake.

Okay, guys, as usual,

the loser of each event
is eliminated from the games.

The winner gets a bonus
in the final round.

Our first event is...

"The mouthathon."

In front of you is month-old
Chinese food from the fridge.

Go ahead and eat as much
as you can stomach.

On your mark, get set, Wahlberg!

Ugh!

I can't do this to my mouth.

She's the love of my life.

Charles is eliminated.

Ugh, I think this ball of soup is off.

I'm out!

I can do this.

I wanna win so bad.

Oh, great. Here, quick.
Let me take a picture.

Oh, that's so cute.

You've got a little bit of mold
on the tip of your nose.

I tried.
I tried, but he's unbeatable.

You guys know this is free, right?

Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch.

You've aged.

Stay seated.
We can do this out here,

since you've already made
yourselves comfortable.

Sergeant Jeffords,
why don't you just lie down?

I can't sit any straighter than this.

We're here about a new and
very potent form of ecstasy,

which has surfaced in our precinct.

Street name, giggle pig.

Hmm, an embarrassing blight
growing right under your nose.

Not unlike that moustache
you had when we first met.

That moustache
was era-appropriate.

The precinct just needs
updated field kits

to help us combat the problem.

This paperwork is a mess.

A semicolon that should
clearly be a full colon?

Was this prepared
by a recent immigrant?

It's just one typo.

It's gibberish.

Request denied.

Wow.
You were right.

All it took was one mistake.

You think that semicolon was a mistake?

No, it was a juicy piece of bait,

and she unhinged her jaw
and swallowed it whole.

So you wanted her to say no to us?

Rejecting a valid request
for such a petty reason,

that's all the ammunition
I need to go over her head.

I secretly scheduled us
a one-on-one

with Madeline's boss, chief Fisker.

You wanna hear the funniest thing ever?

I also split and infinitive,
and she didn't notice.

Hey, buddy.

Did you check out the department
video camera by any chance?

Yeah, I was gonna take it home

and videotape the top of my head.

I think I might be thinning up there.

Cool, cool.

So I accidentally left a tape
in there, and I want it back.

Why?
What's on it?

Nothing.

I just really need it for no reason.

Well, if you want that tape back,

I gotta get something in return.

Are you blackmailing me?

I don't have any money, Hitchcock.

I'm still paying
my uncle's funeral bills.

I rear-ended the hearse.
It was a mess.

There's one thing I want,
and it's not that big.

I just want you to make me cool
in everyone's eyes.

Not that big?

The Jimmy Jabs has claimed
its first victims.

Boyle, you made no impact.

Also, Detective Scully has
withdrawn due to food poisoning,

which I think we all saw coming.

All right, the second event
is "bulky bulky run run,"

the bomb suit foot race.

Sure hope I don't sprain
my arm during the face,

'cause I'm gonna be
opening up a lot of doors

for Katie on our date.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.

What are you doing, Jake?

Trash talking you, while
simultaneously proving

that I will be
respectful of your friend.

It's a tough line to walk.

Gotta loosen up
my flower-buying fingers.

I'm gonna go nuts on the daisies.

On your mark...

Get set...

Ruffalo!

Go!

I'm doing it, Charles!

I look cool!

Whaaow!

The next event will be
"keep your cover."

Contestants must craft
an undercover persona

and talk to as many
police officers as you can

before being recognized.

Pregnant.
Nice.

Means ya had sex.

Damn right, I did.
And I forgot my birth control.

- Yeah!
- Yah!

I think the belly will draw
attention away from my face.

- Smart. Like one big boob.
- Mm-hmm.

Jake will go first,
then Amy, then Rosa.

On your mark, get set, Paul Gosselaar!

Please let me have the tape.

No dice.

I don't know how to make you cool.

I'm not even that cool myself.

- I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
- You have cool friends.

Like Jake.

I just wanna be part of a conversation

where Jake uses my name
and nobody insults me.

Damn it!
You ask too much.

Ahh.

I blew it.

I only got through two people.

He's kicking so much.
You wanna feel?

No! That's a bad idea!

Oh, my baby!
It's on the side!

Oof. I got to six.

Dumb baby!

People are right...
They ruin everything!

Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I wanna try.

Let me be pregnant.

Whoop!

- Adorable.
- Right?

I can't believe I lost again!

I was so psyched up for this.
What happened?

Well... maybe being
so psyched up is what happened.

Like every time
we're doing police work,

you're always super-smart
and you stay calm

and take your time,

but every time we do
dumb games like this,

you get all frantic
and act like a crazy idiot.

My advice... next time
don't act like a crazy idiot.

Thanks. That's surprisingly
insightful.

Yeah, well, motherhood...

Really opens a man's eyes.

I finally feel as if
I'm part of something

- bigger than myself.
- All right.

- Too much?
- Yeah.

Peralta.
What the hell?

Where were you?
I got eliminated.

'Scuse me, officer.

- Yes, sweetheart.
- Sweetheart?

Seriously, Hank?
Is that how you

talk to women who come in here?

Jimmy Jabs.

I didn't even make it past one person.

You're out?
I'm in the finals?

And all I have to do
to get Katie's number

is beat Amy?
Oh, that's nothing.

Hey! Don't you dare
touch Amy Junior.

That's right.

It's your baby!

Are you sayin' I knocked you up?

- You sure did!
- Jake.

- Hmm?
- Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure thing.
Hold that.

- Sure.
- All right, Jake...

You wanna call off the bet?

Seriously?
You're gonna back out now

just 'cause you're losing?

What is this, a riverboat casino
on the river of no rules?

No. I'm giving you
a chance to call off the bet

because it's clear you don't
actually want Katie's number

because you're still into Amy.

What? That's crazy.
I just spent the whole day

fighting for another girl's number.

Tsk. You spent the whole day
flirting with Amy.

Yeah, we're joking around
because we're friends

now that I've moved on.

Then prove it.

Beat Amy and don't flirt
with her at all.

Fine. Easy.
But you better tell Katie

to clear her schedule out
Thursday for a date,

'cause I am working nights until then,

and the following weekend,
I am out of town.

Let's do this!

Hey, Jake.
Question for ya.

When I beat you, which
victory dance should I do?

This one?

Or this one?

Oh, wow, okay.

Both are examples of victory dances.

No comeback?

After I burned you with those moves?

You must be pretty nervous.

Yep.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Charles.

Who's this with me?

Hitchcock?

Well, we should go now.

Wow!

What a high!

Do you guys feel this way all the time?

I did what you wanted.
Give me the tape.

Oh, no, we're not done yet.

Next, I want you to tell
everyone you think I'm handsome.

Make it seem natural.

You are a monster!

So they're calling
the drug "giggle pig"?

Chief fisker.

Sergeant Jeffords.
Raymond.

Deputy Chief Wuntch.

I didn't realize you'd be attending.

I can tell.

You have more of a fly-catching
gape than usual.

I've examined his proposal.

There's no proof that giggle
pig is a serious problem.

So we're just supposed to wait

until it turns into an epidemic?

You're like The League of Nations in '36...

Just hoping the Abyssinian
crisis resolves itself.

That's the lesson you draw
from the fall of Addis Ababa?

Raymond, you sound so naive.

And you sound just like
Victor Emmanuel III.

I have no idea who's winning.

I am.

Captain Holt, how serious a threat

do you really think giggle pig poses?

- Very serious.
- Or it could be nothing.

Or it could be the new crack.

The new crack?

And you only need $1,200 to fight it?

Well, in an ideal situation,

we would attack the problem
with a lot more fire power,

perhaps even a task force.

That makes sense.
Let's make it happen.

That was amazing!

We got a task force!

More importantly, Wuntch got served.

Oh, my God.

Wuntch sounds like lunch.

Now, this opens up
so many new avenues...

You got your task force.

I'm surprised.

That's funny, after 20 years,
I'd think you'd be

used to me
slam-dunking in your face.

I'm surprised you didn't see
what was going on in there.

I got you riled up,
you oversold giggle pig,

and now you're running
an expensive task force

in a time of budget cuts.

You better make
some big arrests... and quick,

or you'll be the poster boy
for departmental waste.

Slam dunk... returned.

Not if we make those arrests.

3-point dunk.

You guys really don't know
enough about basketball

to be doing this.

Join hands, one and all,

for we have reached the final event

of the Jimmy Jabs...

the obstacle course.

Good luck.
You're gonna need it.

Yes. We all need luck.

Thank you for offering me some.

On your mark, get Seth...

- Rogen!
- Go, Amy!

Contestants must make it past
the barricade hurdles

then use a bean bag gun to get a snack.

Ah!

You will eat the snack in its entirety.

- Ah!
- Mmm!

Come on...
Close, close, close, close!

- Ah!
- Ugh!

Next, head down to the first floor

where you will locate
a pamphlet about bullying.

Then print out a picture of
me using a laptop from 1982

whoever grabs their printout
first is the winner!

Aah!

Surprise twist!

Aah!

What are you doing, Santiago?

Go!

Aah! You're burning my skin!

No broken rolly wheels!

I did it!
I took my time,

I wasn't a crazy idiot, and I won!

I finally ♪ wo-on ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yes! Ye...

What's going on here?

Someone answer him now!

Santiago!

Peralta!

- Boyle?
- Hitchcock is very handsome.

Why, thank you, Boyle.

No one has anything to say?

Captain, what you just saw
was the Jimmy Jab games.

It's a bunch of dumb contests
we play to kill the time.

Nobody even cares who wins.

I won!

It's stupid, but we like it.

Clean this up. Now.

Boyle, I'm ready to take
this to the next stage.

You're gonna pierce
my ear... wait.

What are you doing in my locker?

I can't do this.
I can't make you look cool.

Because you're afraid that Jake
and I are gonna cut you out.

- Well, you're not wrong.
- I'm gonna find that tape.

You think I'd just leave

something that valuable lying around?

- I got it on me.
- Oh!

Gimme that tape!

Ah! Gimme that tape!

Jake! Help me!

- Ugh! Ah!
- Uhh! Ugh!

The Serbian President's plane
is wheels up.

Report to your motorcade
positions immediately.

Let's go!

Hey, you gave it a good try.

Sorry you lost.

No. It's for the best.

I let Amy win.

Close, close, close, close!

- Ah!
- Oh!

You're right.
I'm not over her.

Boyle, get out.
I need to talk to Jake.

Okay. Bye!

I warmed up the seat.

Ugh, he did warm up the seat.

It's like a fire pit.

Look, if you're here for your $200,

can I interest you in a check
that will definitely bounce?

- No. You will pay me in cash.
- Ok.

Look, I thought I was over Amy,

but clearly I'm not, you know?

I'm as frustrated as you are.

I'm not frustrated.

But I am not enjoying this.

It is not like you
to get hung up on a girl.

I don't know what to do.

You call Katie.
That's what you do.

Only way to move on is to move on

whether you think
you're ready to or not.

Gotta get out there, man.

All right.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Are you okay, sir?

I don't want to sound dramatic,

but today has been
sub-optimal.

That doesn't leave this office.

Muntch beat me.

The squad was a disaster.

And in the end, you know
who I'm angriest with?

- Yourself?
- No. Muntch.

I need this task force to succeed,

and there's not a Detective here

who's adult enough to lead it.

Peralta and Santiago were
cowards, Diaz was disrespectful,

and I just saw Hitchcock and
Boyle fighting like children.

Get off...
Get off me!

Hitchcock...
Gimme that tape!

You're squeezing my boobs!

Sir, I know you think
Rosa disrespected you,

but I found her inspiring.

She did what I should have done...

Stand up and tell you the truth.

And what truth is that?

First, everyone else

made this Wuntch-lunch
connection instantly.

Second, Wuntch didn't beat you.

She saddled me with this task force.

You think she's consumed
with pettiness?

You're no better.

Yes, the task force is risky,

but it gives us a chance
to do a lot of good

in the community.

Sir, if you ask me,

you're acting like a real
Victor Emmanuel III.

You used that insult
completely incorrectly.

But...

I suppose I have let
Madeline... distract me

from our purpose.

Which is why I think Rosa
should lead the task force.

There's no B.S. with her.

Agreed.

Thank you, sergeant.

And... I know you were lying
about that Wuntch-lunch thing.

That was mine.

How was the motorcade?
Any assassinations?

No. It was boring.

Mmm. Well, thanks for
getting the tape back.

Oh!

Oh, guys! Oh!

I'll see you tonight at my place?

God, I hate you.
Don't be late.