Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Old School - full transcript

you only get one shot
at this, peralta.

don't worry.
i know what i'm doing.

i saw the first 15 minutes
of the hurt locker.

hurry!
the stench is too much.

we gotta get
those shoes outta here.

scully ate his pot pie
30 minutes ago,

so we probably got 10 minutes
left on this nap.

12 if he's turkey tired.

all right, come to papa.

[groans]
it's trapped.
abort mission.

i have an idea...



[suspenseful music]

♪

let's send these shoes
to hell.

yeah, just smells
worse than before.

oh...
ugh! abort!

[upbeat music]

♪

whoa! why are you here
before me?

am i asleep?
is this a dream?

i am early because
jimmy brogan is here today.

why do you care so much
about some old reporter?

some old reporter?

is the sky just some
big blue hat

that the world wears?



no. and no one has ever
thought that.

my point exactly.

jimmy brogan
wrote the squad

about badass new york cops
in the '70s.

it's the best book
i've ever read,

and i've read 15 books.

50 books is not a lot.
wait--

you said 15?

the squad
is what made me decide

to become a detective.

and it was my first
book report.

"the detectives wiped
the mobsters' blood

off their boots
and found the scag."

scag is heroin,
and the book says it's so good,

you can never stop doing it!

see me after class,
jacob.

fun side note--
i late lost my virginity

to mrs. stratton's
daughter.

it was...very fast.

nice.

mr. brogan, these are
detectives santiago

and peralta.

mr. brogan, i am a huge fan
of your book.

would you mind
signing my copy?

i'd love to.
it's always nice to meet a fan.

you can just make it out
to "death wish."

that's what everyone
calls me,

'cause i'm always
first through the door.

you go through doors normally,

and everyone calls you
pineapples.

my grandma calls me
pineapples,

those new york cops
from the '70s you wrote about

were my idols--i mean,
gaminsky, cavanaugh, quigg.

those guys
were the real deal.

i once saw gaminsky
choke a hippy to death

with his own ponytail.

illegal.
love that.

mr. brogan
is writing an article

about how brooklyn
detectives have changed

in the 35 years
since the squad.

he'll be observing
the two of you

on your internet
identity theft case.

i hope mr. brogan's presence
doesn't prove to be

a distraction to you,
peralta.

distracted? me?
no, sir.

evil would love that.

but i'm not giving evil
the satisfaction.

not today.

where's the can?
i gotta unload.

"unload."
great choice of words.

it'd be an honor
to show you, sir.

all right.
everyone's here.

today we're gonna work on
our courtroom demeanor.

pass.
this seminar

is not optional, diaz.
you're testifying

in an aggravated assault case
tomorrow.

the d.a. is worried

about how you present yourself
on the stand.

why?
i'm fine on the stand.

look, i'll make this
real simple

so even these dum-dums
can understand.

man did crime.

i'm sorry--can you
make her stop doing

that weird thing
with her face?

crying?

and when this is over,
i'm gonna find you,

and i'm gonna break
those little fingers.

[taps gavel]
ms. diaz.

please stop threatening
the stenographer!

this is an important case.
you need to do well.

fine. i'll take
your dumbass seminar.

that's the spirit!

someone has placed
tiny scanners inside atms

to steal card numbers
and pins

which they sell
on the internet.

oh, good god, why do you
smell like an ashtray?

oh, sorry, mom.

it's the only way i can cope
with the stress of the job.

[groaning]

anyway...
we're running an algorithm

to comb through
the transactions

looking for a pattern
which will lead us

to the perp's ip address.
got it.

"boring mumbo jumbo."

well, you could think
of the algorithm

as a boot
and the ip address

as some poor slob's skull.

[smack]
you know?

who bragged about
sitting around all day

hair bags.

[chuckling]

except for
detective finaldi.

no, he had to sit
around all day.

a mafia thug pried
both his kneecaps off

with a crowbar.

[whispers]
gah...so lucky.

this kind of data-driven
police work

has reduced crime
by over 70%.

i know hair bag work
when i see it.

do me a favor--wake me
when your shift is over.

no way.

that is amazing!

all you need
is for a jury to like you.

if they like you,
they'll trust you.
fine.

how do i get these morons
to like me?

don't call them morons.

good instinct!
okay.

sit up straight, all right?
be aware of your hands, okay?

and don't be afraid
to smile.

and if you need to buy time,
you can always just say,

"to be perfectly candid..."

to be perfectly candid...

i like that.

(terry)
and always make
good eye contact.

but don't stare at people.
yeah.

you gotta blink.
but don't blink too much.

or too fast.
i think the bigger worry
is slow blinks.

don't blink too fast or too
slow or too much or too little.

i know how to blink.

you know how we've been
trading favors back and forth

and it's your turn
to give me one?

none of that is true.
yeah, i know.

please, can i jump onto
a sweet mob-related homicide?

there are no sweet
mob-related homicides

on which to jump.

boom!
there's one at the seven-three.

maybe i should
roll over there, help out.

brogan can tag along,
maybe write some stuff down.

why do you idolize that man
and the time he wrote about?

because the '70s
were amazing.

i mean, everyone had
thick, juicy moustaches

and all the clothes
were orange and flammable.

the '70s were not
a good time for the city

or for the department--

corruption, brutality,
sexism.

diaz and santiago never
would have made detective,

and an openly gay man
like me--

i never would have been
given a command.

there were very few
black detectives.

did i ever tell you what my
first day on the job was like?

[background chatter]

hello. i'm raymond holt.

are you...here
to turn yourself in?

ah, yeah,
that's really messed up.

but the guys that brogan
wrote about--

they were great detectives.
i mean, they were legit.

some of them were just
brogan's drinking buddies.

sir, that is
a brilliant idea.

it wasn't an idea.
it was a scathing indictment

of your personal hero.

eh, six of one.

this is the best!

drinking with jimmy brogan.

so tell me more
about quigg.

could he really light
a matchstick on his face?

one time during a drug bust,

he had one of his fingers
shot off.

he didn't even flinch.
he just picked it up

and used it to flip off
every puerto rican in the place.

and that's my cue.
it's late.

are you kidding?

the old guard
drank till dawn,

ate some coffee grounds,

then started the whole day
all over again.

pfft!
i eat coffee grounds.

sure you do, pineapples.

how about
another round?

are you kidding me?

i wanna hang with you
till one of us dies.

look, i'm tired
of talking.

why don't you tell me
some of your stories?

great. 'cause i got
some stories

that'll make training day
look like super troopers.

eh, it's not--bartender.

two scotches.

no, no,
he meant two bottles.
what?

i mean--yeah!

aaaalll...right!

[laughs]

(perp)
you'll never get me!

you'll never get me!

we already
got you, idiot.

look who's here.

how was your night
of old-school drinking, hmm?

pretty hung over?
shh!

turn off
your mouth siren.

here are the texts
i got from you last night.

"best night ever."

"why scotch burn so good?"

"whaz his name in serpico?"

"who's the friend of yours
with the ping-pong?"

and lastly,

a picture of you
on the subway platform

eating chinese chicken salad
with no shirt on.

[laughs]
well, last night was awesome.

we had an epic night of bonding
that i will never forget.

[slurring]
do it!
i believe in you.

throw it!
i believe in you.

man, i wonder
if brogan's okay.

he's 65 and drank
two bottles of scotch.

he might be dead.
he looks fine to me.

morning, kid!

ooh!
how ya doing?

uh...hey...

so good.
i feel great.

and i definitely don't think
it's burning hot in here.

well, i'm around.

grab me if anything
develops in your case.

[laughs/wheezes]
you got it.

that hurt so bad.
let me know when he's gone

so i can slide
onto the nice, cool floor.

he's gone.
great.

mmm...

oh...my whole body
has dry mouth.

why are we meeting
in the ladies' room?

it's the perfect place
for our second lesson--

courthouse wardrobe.

what's wrong
with the way i dress?

you know, some people might
say that all the black leather

kind of makes you looks like
an evil villain.

not me.

i think you look like
a sexy motorcycle.

boyle, pull it together.

yeah.

we need to
soften up your look.

my wife and charles's mom
donated some clothes.

your wife and boyle's mom
are both blind?

i look like arsenio.

so it's...perfect?

that's actually
my wedding suit.

no.

yes.

no.
no.

that's great.
perfect!

you look beautiful...ly...

appropriate for court.

- ♪ a new sensation

[groaning]
ohh...

scully.

hey, jake.
you've been alive
forever.

how'd you used to cure
hangovers?

oh, i didn't drink.
i was, however,

extremely into cocaine
for most of 1986.

i gotta tell you the truth,
hitchcock--

can i tell you the truth?
you and me, man.

we're gonna be co-captains.

but first i'm taking you
to japan!

i'm already packed!

i had three heart attacks
that year

and declared bankruptcy.

hitchcock turned out
just fine.

my grandpa
was an old-school cop.

this was his hangover cure--
raw egg yolks.

aaahhh!

you look like a corpse
we just pulled out of the river.

wrong. i look like
a cool rock star

who oded in his own pool.
big difference.

i told you not to let
jimmy brogan

so i assume you're not
too hung over to do said work?

pfft. nope. it's like
i never even drank.

what, that?
naw, it's just some...

protein for my guns.

i drink one every morning
before i lift.

so...

gah!

ah ha ha!

so good!

you can barely even tell
it's a chicken embryo.

you should drink it all.

for your guns.

[grunts]

yeah.

[gulping]
agh.

ah, it's just like...

fitness, right?

oh, why did i do this?

according to your text,
you were having

"the beef light
of my loaf."

what? no, no. why did
i use this algorithm?

we're only tracking people
who use the stolen cards.

they might not be the same
as the ones who stole them.

here,
switch seats with me.

oh, wow.
your butt's really warm.

my butt's normal.
your butt's the weird one.

all right, so if we ignore
all these fraudulent purchases

and go back far enough...

here. someone posted
the stolen card numbers online

from this ip address.

not bad!
you found the pattern.

all right, let's aspirin up
and roll out!

ah...ohh!

ohh.....

[beep beep]

i'm glad you could
be here for this.

[beep beep]
mike halbrook.

nypd. open up.

put your head
through the door.

my head?

we got a runner!

stop!
hands in the air!

oh, wow.

hoo! yeah!

good job.
i'm never drinking again.

hey. you know,
i was gonna take him out myself,

but ladies first, so...

relax, kid.

being too hung over
to chase a perp?

that's a classic
old-school move.

you know, you are one of
the last few good cops

fighting against
the rising tide of hair bags.

that's what you're gonna
say in your article?

ah, don't worry,

you're gonna come out
lookin' real good.

especially after
our talk in the bar.

ah...
so many good quotes!

especially about holt.

cops are usually afraid

to go after their
captains like that,

but you, sir,
are old-school.

you know it.

oh, pineapples...

what did you do?

detective diaz, it's always
a pleasure to see you.

this is not good.

the lawyer is that slimeball
grundhaven--rosa hates him!

she's dressed right.
we coached her.

she'll be okay.

would you please state
your name for the record?

to be perfectly candid...

my name is
detective rosa diaz.

well, thank you for
your candor

regarding your own name.

[chuckles]

detective diaz,

would you please
tell the court

exactly how you're
involved in this case?

i caught mr. ladd
physically beating his boss

with a fax machine.
most of his cheek

was caved in.

his head was basically
a blood fountain.

i'm sorry, is this
amusing to you, ms. diaz?

[mouthing]
blinking.

[police radio chatter]

oh, no.

brogan just sent me
the quotes he's gonna run.

i slammed holt
like 50 times.

listen.

"holt would rather
i wear a tie

"holt cares more about
catching clerical errors

"than catching bad guys.

holt is way too
verticulis"?

that's not even a word!
what were you thinking?

we were just hanging out,
being old-school.

he wasn't supposed
to quote me.

i was off the record
the whole time.

oh, no wait.

i'm goin' on the record.

jake peralta...
can dance!

whoo!
whoo!

[singsong]
jimmy brogan!

you need to fix this,
okay?

those quotes
cannot run.

it would be
devastating for holt.

and the department.
i'll fix it.

brogan's a cool guy.
we're friends now.

i'll just talk to him,
awesome dude to awesome dude.

i should brush my teeth
first, though, right?

mm-hmm.
yeah, that's terrible.

ugh!

great advice, dummies.

i look like a psycho
up there!

yes. you have to
pull it together.

that's not helping!
that's what sarge
says to me when i'm nervous.

rosa, i think
you're nervous.

of course i'm nervous!

what did you think
was the problem?

we just assumed you were
a terrifying human being

with a short fuse.

but if the problem
is that you're nervous,

that's where
charles boyle lives, baby.

i can help!
you just need to go

to your happy place.

what's that?
sounds stupid.

oh, everyone's happy place
is different.

for me, i just imagine
i'm slurping up

the world's longest
piece of linguini.

it just keeps going
and going.

every 20 feet of noodle,
there's a sauce change.

i'm in my happy place
right now.

mmm...pesto.

[slurps]
mmm! carbonara!

great!
now i'm starving!

hey, hey, jimmy brogan.

thanks for meeting me.

welcome to
the schvitz, kid.

the most comfortable
place on earth.

it's like crawling back
into your mother.

is that something
people wanna do?

what'd you wanna
talk to me about?

so i read those quotes
you sent me,

and you...
wrote them so good.

the thing is--

but i was pretty drunk
when i said that stuff, so...

any chance
you wouldn't print it?

well, you said you were
going on the record.

i was clearly
not in control.

well, maybe you should learn
to handle your brown.

eew.

look, you know
that i think

you're like the number one
hero of the 20th century.

but kinda feel like
you're being unfair here.

"feel like"?
listen to her,

suzanne somers over here.
talk like a man.

all right,
i will talk like a man.

you got me drunk
and took advantage of me.

oh, come on.
gah!

look, i'm asking you
nicely...

please don't print
the quotes.

and i'm telling you nicely,
i'm printing them.

no, you're not.

what are you gonna
do about it?

[chuckles]

hey, how'd it go
with brogan?
perfect.

and made everything
a billion times worse.

what?

yeah.

so, detective diaz,

you saw my client
struggling with his boss,

but you don't know
who initiated the fight.

to be perfectly candid,

i was pretty sure
it was the defendant.

oh, to be perfectly candid,
"pretty sure" is not definitive.

i think i know
what happened.

well,
to be perfectly candid,

no one cares what you think.

do you actually know
anything,

or are you just guessing?

your client instigated
the fight.

i'm certain.

and i'm happy
to tell you why.

[silently]
yes!

she went to
her happy place.

i know that, boyle.

you punched
jimmy brogan?

what were you thinking?

i was thinking

that i needed to protect
this precinct.

from things that i said
about this precinct

to a reporter while drunk
and insisting he record me.

i shouldn't have done it.
unbelievable.

every time i think you might
make a decent detective,

you go and pull
something like this.

i thought i could
handle my brown.

oh, i'm sorry.
it's gross.

go home!

you got the rest of the day
to put your head on straight.

got halbrook to cop
to every charge.

nice work, santiago.
thank you, sir.

peralta figured out
the pattern, though,

so he should get credit
for the collar.

i sent him home.
he assaulted jimmy brogan.

yeah. but that caveman
kinda had it coming,

don't you think?

oh. he didn't tell you.

tell me what?
never mind.

if jake didn't tell you,
he must have had a reason.

it's not my place.
i'm disappointed in you,
santiago.

i thought
you and i were close.

i know you're
manipulating me...

but i love it,

and i will tell you
anything.

so jake went to the schvitz
to talk to brogan.

what are you gonna
do about it?

[chuckles]

there's nothing
i can do....

except to ask you nicely
as a fan of you,

your work, and the guys
you wrote about...

please don't print
the quotes.

you were gonna get your panties
all in a pretzel!

that's actually not
technically possible.

i'm not wearing underwear.

it is swampy in here.
my butt's like the everglades.

look, i know you're trying to
be legit in a hair bag world,

so i will not print
your quotes.

ah, thank you,
thank you!

that means
the world to me.

and for the record,

i know that holt
is a stickler,

but he's actually
a really good cop.

don't worry about it.
we're friends.

you don't have to stick up
for that homo.

i really wish you
hadn't just said that.

what, homo?

thank you, santiago.
that'll be all.

here she is.

diaz, you did it.

they found him guilty
on all charges.

huh. boyle's advice
worked.

[shrill giggle]

so...

where's your happy place?

i'm in a cabin
in the middle of nowhere.

inside it's just me

and that stupid,
slimy defense attorney.

and i'm beating
the hell out of him.

i break a dining room table
over his head.

then i rip off his arm

and shove it
where the sun don't shine.

then i reach down
his throat

and shake his hand.

yeah. okay.

i'm gonna go ahead and schedule
you for a psych eval.

i owe you one, boyle.

thank-you dinner.
tomorrow night.

gribaldi's.
it's all-you-can-eat linguini.

yes!

oh, my boyfriend's
coming too.

your what friend now?

all right.

let's hear it.

well, it's even worse
than i imagined.

[ahem]
"the new face of the nypd

is perfectly embodied by
brooklyn's own jake peralta..."

that's not so bad.

"who cowers behind
his desk all day

like the true hair bag
that he is."

there it is.

"the old guard would have
eaten a guy like peralta

for breakfast
and unloaded him by lunch."

well, it's very colorful.
and hurtful.

you can ignore
that garbage, santiago.

jimmy brogan wouldn't
know a legit cop

if he punched him
in the face.

well...

guess i'm done
with this.

not good enough.

three, two, one...

[beep beep]

welcome to the party, pal!

god,
you love that movie.

it's die hard.

not a doctor.
shh.