Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Sal's Pizza - full transcript

oh, this is amazing.

this is so amazing.

everything about this
is amazing.

what are you talking about?

a virus got on the server

and sent all of us an email

with everyone's
search histories.

check this out.

sergeant jeffords
searched the internet

for "undiscovered muscle."

i was working out
and saw a muscle in my shoulder



i'd never seen before.

i thought it might've
been a scientific discovery.

listen to this.
scully searched for

"how much fudge
is in a calorie?"

i never found the answer,
but it was a good question.

boyle looked up,
"how to make desk yogurt."

yes, i did, and i am thrilled
with the results.

although the jar
is really hot.

that's gross.
and amy searched for

"daniel craig hands"
plus "close up."

ugh.

you should talk.

you searched for
"cheapest date possible."

and i wear that search
like badge of honor.



so, ready for dinner?

here we go.
[grunts]

would you like
something sweet?

or maybe savory?

apple pie--
and i'm stuck.

i'm stuck!

[upbeat music]

♪

peralta.

hey, sal.
to what do i owe the honor?

oh, my god.

yeah, we'll be right there.

boyle...

(jake)
no!

i can't believe sal's
is gone.

this place
is an institution.

it's the best pizza
in the neighborhood.

well, eighth-best.

but yeah, a tragedy.

i mean, any food-related crime
is a tragedy.

[siren blares]

oh, no.
heads up, fire marshal.

oh, boone.
what's that nimrod doing here?

hey, peralta.

hey, boone.

what are you doing here,
you nimrod?

uh, there was a fire.

big question is,
what are you doing here?

what, did somebody call in
a missing doughnut?

uh, actually
someone reported

they couldn't find
your head.

but we found it.
it was up your butt.

(jake)
you're a fireman,
you should know

how to treat that burn.

joke's on you,
'cause this is a fire,

which means it is
fire department jurisdiction.

so why don't you back off

and let new york's bravest
handle it?

you know they only
call you that because

"new york's best
at spraying stuff with water"

is too wordy.

ha, well, it's too bad

we all can't be as awesome

as new york's finest,

which by the way,
sounds like my mom

describing her dishware,
which--and she's dead,

so let's tread lightly
on the response.

that's not fair.
yeah.

well, look, we heard
this might be arson,

so we wanted
to check it out.

no, i'm not letting you
onto my crime scene.

okay?

all right, fine.
you know what?

you're not invited
to our next murder.

good solve on
the herman avenue burglaries.

finish up the paperwork
as soon as possible.

your wish is my command.

no, that was
actually a command.

so my command
is your command.

well, then i guess you still
have all three of your wishes.

you're not a genie.
i know that.

okay.
we're leaving.

what was the name
of the clerk we questioned

about the second burglary?

where do farts go?

i was reading
scully's searches.

hey,
why'd you do a search

for "magic-themed
singles night"?

my last four dates
were really boring,

so i thought
i'd mix things up.

oh, wow.
[laughs]

[poof]

ta-da!

oh, no.

what about you?

why were you looking
for real estate

in ropesburg, new jersey?

ropesburg p.d.
offered me a job

as their new police captain.

i turned it down.

oh!

you...captain.
[chuckles]

oh...that's super...

super cool.

if we're gonna figure out
what happened at sal's,

we've gotta
get past those firemen.

we need access.
how 'bout this?

we light a bunch of fires
throughout brooklyn,

and when the firemen
go to "fight the fires,"

we walk right into sal's,
the crime scene's ours.

why do we want to start a turf
war with the fire department?

i feel very uncomfortable
saying this to you,

but it doesn't seem
like it's worth it--

unless you think it is.
i do.

like i said,
sal's is an institution,

and it's the best pizza
in the neighborhood.

i'm sorry, jake, sal's
is only the eighth-best.

i put out a weekly brooklyn
pizza-ranking email blast.

sal's has
the fourth-best texture,

ninth-best crust,
twelfth-best cheese,

and honestly, they're only
seventh in mouth-feel.

"mouth-feel"?
what is that?

the inside of your cheeks
are very sensitive.

it's like the inside
of your thighs,

except with a tongue.

ugh, god.

look, no, sal's
has the secret sauce recipe

that puts all the other
pizza places to shame.

but more importantly,
fire marshal boone

is incapable of conducting
a crime investigation.

all fire marshals
are doofuses,

but boone is king doofus
of doofus island.

gasoline?

i'm pretty sure
that's water.

only one way to tell.

there were more ways
to tell.

and he's their leader.

captain, here's the mope
who hacked our computer system.

his mother turned him in.
his name is corey park.

my name is savant.

his web handle is "savant."

his people name
is corey park.

why'd you target us with
your computer virus, corey?

i don't know, i was bored,
and it was easy

to break into
your weak-ass system.

it was like taking candy
from a baby.

why are you giving candy
to a baby in the first place?

don't give candy to a baby!
they can't brush their teeth!

yes, sergeant, it is unwise
to give babies candy.

if it's so easy
for this gentlemen

to break into our system,
we may need to hire

a new i.t. director.

why don't you and gina
get together on that?

i doubt i'll need gina's help.

i'm sure she's busy anyway.

use gina.
she's my assistant,

and she has something
to offer.

trust me.

man, don't be hacking
into my stuff.

(charles)
uh-oh, jake, firemen.

what are you two doing here?

you're a detective,
you detect it out.

good one, bro.

i know, bro.
yeah, bro.

wow, it's like watching
meet the press.

boone reconsidered.

he wants you
to take a look at the files.

well, that's unexpected,
but...

all right, fine, i'll--

[laughs]
it's not a file, bro.

it's a doughnut,
because you're cops.

you sure?

[laughs]

all right, i don't care

if it's not our jurisdiction,

we're solving this.

would you like me
to, uh,

file that for you, jake?

just ask for the doughnut,
scully?

can i have the doughnut,
please?

yes.

thanks.

[sighs]

it's good to see you, sal.

i'm so sorry
about the fire.

i can't believe it's gone,
jakey, all of it.

the pizza oven.

the first dollar bill
i ever made.

[tearing up]
the 7-up fridge.

hey, it's gonna be all right.
you'll rebuild.

the fire department's
been asking a lot of questions.

oh, fire department questions.
let me guess.

"uh, what part of my face
do i put food in?"

"how do you count to one?"

"what's air?"
[laughs]

they think i torched
my own place.

you know i wouldn't do
something like that, right?

yeah, of course.

but can you think of anybody

who might've done it?

i could think
of ten pizzerias

that want me
out of the game.

that jerk mario
comes to mind.

we share a delivery radius.

(charles)
mario is number ten
overall in brooklyn,

and rising fast.

he might've wanted
to move up the ladder.

of one foodie weirdo's

personal pizza email blast?

yeah.

okay, we'll start with him,

then we'll move on to the rest
of your competition,

see if anything suspicious
turns up.

it'll be
the perfect opportunity

to update my rankings.

can we stop at home
for a pizza bib?

no, charles,
we gotta go fast.

right, right,
i'll just use my work bib.

no, no bib.

we're gonna solve this
for you, sal.

sit tight.

the guy who did the safe

in the second apartment,
what was his name?

cone.

"c" as in "captain."
"o" as in "overlooked."

what?
nothing.

she said "c" as in "captain,"
"o" as in "over--"

yeah, i know
how to spell cone.

okay.

so, ropesburg p.d.

you know someone there?
nope.

so you were looking
for a new job?

nope.
weird.

they just offered you captain
without considering anyone else?

like scully...

because he's got
so many years on the force.

hey, guys,
i think i put my gun

in one of these boxes,
and i don't know which.

you have a problem with me
that you want to talk about?

me? no, i am just
filing evidence, sir.

found my gun.
it was in my holster.

my holster's on my butt.

good solve, scully.

mario, this pie needs work.

good consistency
on the crust,

but the cheese-to-sauce ratio
is a travesty.

[spits]

do you have to spit?

in a word, yes.

amateurs go tasting,
they fill up,

and they lose their palate
by the third slice.

i take this very seriously.

so, mario...

let me tell you
what i think happened.

your credit card transactions
are down by 1/3

in the last six months.

meanwhile, over at sal's,

it was a bunch of smiling faces

and happy stomachs.

one night, you snapped.

a little gasoline--fah!
a little match.

and poof! no more sal's.
how right am i?

the night of the fire,
i was at my father's funeral.

oh...
my condolences.

[spits]

ugh.

(charles)
gino...

this pizza is much better
than last time.

you've always
ranked dead last

in structural integrity
and sauce.

but way more importantly,
i did a little research,

and it turns out you did
six months in prison for a b&e.

i did.
the night of the fire,

i was at the prison
giving a motivational speech

on how parolees
can turn their lives around.

well, it's good to hear
that the system works,

and you are welcome.

have a good one.

this is a dead end.

we've gotta check out
that crime scene.

can't.
firemen locked it down.

grab your spit bucket, boyle.

those hose monkeys
can't stop us.

ah, you must be simon walker.

have a seat.

it says here
you were an i.t. specialist

with the board of ed
for two years.

well, i know my way around
a computer, that's for sure.

query: what's your
favorite jay-z song?

i'm sorry?

favorite jay-z song?

[chuckles]
she's kidding.

hmm. no, i'm not.
what is it?

i don't know.

i'm sorry about her.
okay.

what's your experience
with cyber-security?

uh, well, i added
encryption software--

but seriously, what's
your favorite jay-z song?

i don't know! big pimpin'?
it's big pimpin'!

mm, wrong answer, friend.

and that's, um,
how i got involved in,

you know, systems analysis.

i'm sorry.
i'm really nervous.

there's no need
to be nervous.

yeah, we're all just calm,
cool, collected--

wahh!
[screams]

[laughs]
oops.

was that a little sudden?

what would you say is your
biggest weakness as an employee?

um...

i'm sorry,
what was the question again?

he said, "what's
your biggest weakness

[muffled]
as an employee?"

that's just gross.

i'm sorry,
i just have

a skootch of gingivitis.

so i'm trying
to treat that as best i can.

sorry.
you seem disgusted.

here's an itemized list

of everything taken
from the garden apartment.

tv, computer...

"ster-b-eo"?

uh-oh, spelling error.

that's not very captain-y.

oh, my god, enough.

i just think that you meant
"stereo," not "ster-b-eo."

did you mean "ster-b-eo,"
captain?

that's it.
get in my car, now.

and if you say another word,

i promise you,
you will regret it.

aye aye, cap--
ow, okay.

fine, i regret it.
ah--i'll go. i'm going.

these firemen
are not moving.

we gotta distract 'em.

tell 'em
your little boy's cat

got stuck up in a tree.

ooh, undercover work.
i love it.

i need more back story.

first off, can it be
my daughter's cat?

okay, but if you get made
because of that, it's on you.

fine.
let's talk about the cat.

short-hair, long-hair?
tabby?

short-hair, calico.

the son is adopted.
your wife is in a coma.

oh, that's brutal.
i like it.

hey, guys?
guys, i really need your help.

my little boy,
brian, my angel,

i bought him
a short-haired calico

after my wife fell into a coma--
motorcycle crash.

and now the cat's
stuck in a tree.

(charles)
he's a cute kid.

kinda looks like you.
handsome guy.

handsome little guy.

oh, hey.
just got locked out, so--

he doesn't care.

[grunts]

brian was adopted,
so he has abandonment issues.

just struck out
at tee-ball last week.

everyone called him
"cryin' brian."

(boone)
hello, peralta.

aah!

you looking for something?

what is the deal with you

and this second-rate
pizza joint?

this place
is a brooklyn institution,

and i'm here
because you think sal did it

and you're wrong!

he did do it!

sal was in financial trouble,

he has no alibi,

and in cases of arson,
the owner always did it.

what's going on, sir?

what's going on
is that peralta

has screwed with me
for the last time,

and now he's gonna pay.

oh, you know what, boone?
any time you want to--

[grunts]

well, that escalated fast.

[grunting]

(charles)
they're getting nervous, jake!
they're getting nervous!

[both grunting]

get off him, boone!
you big marshmallow!

hey, break it up!
now!

hey, hey, hey!
don't tell my guys what to do!

don't tell me what
to tell people what to do!

well, make me not do it,
tough guy.

uh-oh.

[all grunting]

hey, break it up!

i apologize, marshal boone,

for detective peralta's
actions,

something i find myself
doing quite frequently.

in my defense,
i was the only one

saying we
should stop hitting.

stop hitting them!

kicking them will hurt more!

okay, i'm a reasonable man,
so i'm just gonna say this.

fire peralta immediately.

he started a fight.

he overstepped
his jurisdiction.

and he's obsessed
with this pizza place.

what i'm obsessed with
is how you're bungling

this investigation.

they should
write a song about it

called welcome to the bungle.

seriously, why are you

dragging sal's pizza
through the mud?

that place is special.

why's it special?

because it's the best pizza
in the neighborhood!

well...

according to charles's
email blast,

it's actually number eight.

captain reads my blast.

of course,
it's the only one

that measures mouth-feel.

what, are you kidding
right now?

this isn't about pizza.

what's it actually about?

when i was a kid,
i was shortstop

on my little league team.

oh, my god.

it's the truth.
it's not a brag.

my dad was the coach,
and after every game,

he would take the team
to sal's.

halfway through our last season,
he left me and my mom,

and the worst part about it
was that i couldn't

go with him
to sal's anymore.

well, that's certainly not

what i expected this
to be about.

[crying]
sorr--i'm sorry.

i'm sorry
that happened to you.

i mean,
what kind of dad just--

just leaves his son
like that?

look, you're--
you're a cop and--

and i'm a firefighter,
but underneath all of it,

we're just two boys
whose dads abandoned them.

and you and i, we're gonna
solve this thing, together.

okay?
okay.

okay.
yeah.

but first,
let's hug like men.

oh, boy.
this is happening.

[crying]

captain, get in here.

there, there.

there, there.
there.

i'm coming in.

[groans]
oh, boyle.

(amy)
what's going on?

did you drive me out here
to kill me?

i thought about it,

but then i put
that thought on hold.

i wanted to show you
ropesburg.

this is ropesburg?

you wanted this offer
so badly,

i thought i'd give you
a chance at the job.

miss diaz!
are you here to reconsider?

we've bought
the deputies bullets,

like you suggested.

hi, sergeant.

no, i'm still not interested.

at all.

but this
is detective santiago.

she's one of
our top detectives,

and she really wants the job.

i--[chuckles]
yes.

can i ask what happened
to the last captain?

he quit to start
a carpet cleaning business,

because that was better
than being captain here

because this is the most
boring place on earth.

[chuckles]
she doesn't mean that.

it's okay.
it's true.

gotta be known
for something.

[chuckles nervously]

so of all the candidates

that you interviewed today,

who do you think
i should hire?

well, the interviews
got a little off-track.

but i'd go with simon walker.

computer science degree,
worked for the board of ed

for ten years.

that guy?
no way.

he yelled at me
when i asked him

the same question about jay-z
three times in a row.

why does that matter?

because whoever
takes this i.t. job

is gonna have
to deal with hitchcock

asking how to log in
to his email

every single day
forever.

how do you think
professor short fuse

is gonna handle that?

fine, what about this guy?

mm, no.
he was scared of everything.

do you remember rosa's reaction
last time the printer jammed?

i'll pay for that.

fine, what was with
the flossing?

mm, a precinct is a pretty
gross place, ter-bear.

there's blood, wounds,
scully's feet.

you need a strong stomach,

and that lady
did not have one.

plus, we already have
the perfect candidate already:

savant.

that punk who hacked us?

precisely.

captain,
turn your greatest weakness

into your greatest strength,

like paris hilton
re: her sex tape.

get to the point.

savant tore our walls down,

but he can build them
back up,

taller and thicker
than ever.

but how can we be sure
he won't turn on us?

his mom ratted him out,

so i bet he'd love
a steady paycheck

to get out of
that snitch's house.

[laughs]
if i had a mic right now,

i'd drop it.

there we have it.

and here's the file
you wanted.

well, it's hard to believe
i'm gonna say this,

because i've spent most
of my adult life hating you

and everything
you stand for, but...

thanks.

i'm not gonna lie,
my therapist

is gonna be
very proud of me.

that's weird.

any reason you can think of
one of your guys

would've
forced this cabinet open

while they
were putting the fire out?

no, no.
i can't.

looks like it was jimmied open
with a crowbar.

oh, my god.
i know who did it.

come on, i'll explain it
on the way down.

wait, wait, wait.

i can't believe
i'm offering this to a cop,

but...

do you want
to take the pole down?

oh, my god, yes.

whee!

let justice be served.

did you get it?
uh-huh.
my turn?

nope. no time.

we know you burned down
sal's, gino.

you hated him because his pizza
was better than yours.

that's not true.

gino's pizza's
always been the tastiest.

wrong.

according to boyle's
email blast,

it was downright lousy before.

that's what made it
so suspicious

when he suddenly loved it.

[distorted]
much better than last time.

[spits]

the crust was charred,

the cheese was stringy
and flavorless,

but the sauce.

oh, marone, the sauce.

continue.

and that was your mistake.

you didn't
just burn sal's down,

you also stole
his secret sauce recipe.

here's a picture

of the cabinet in which
said recipe was held.

busted open with a crowbar.

look familiar?

also, your so-called
motivational speech

down at the prison
ended at 5:00 p.m.,

leaving you plenty of time
to get back to sal's

and burn it to the ground.

so i guess there's only
one thing left to say.

(both)
gino bianucci,
you're under arrest--

[clears throat]
excuse me. no.
do you mind?

this is my collar...
i think i can handle this.

if i'm not wrong.

yeah, but i actually
did all the work.

see, i knew you would--
you know what? fine.

go ahead, i don't care.

gino bianucci, you're
under arrest for arson. yes!

said it first.
real mature.

very mature.

off we go.

so what'd you think
of ropesburg?

it's, uh...quaint.

it's whack,
and you know it.

their number-one crime
is tricycle theft.

there's a bakery
attached to the precinct.

come on, santiago.

you never would've
taken that job,

so why'd you even care
that they offered it to me?

i can't help it.
i'm competitive.

i have seven brothers,
and i was the only girl.

i always had to fight
for a place at the table.

well, you're not the only girl
at the table anymore.

we work in a police force
full of dudes.

we gotta have
each other's backs, okay?

you saying you have my back?

yeah, i got your back.

don't smile.
i'm still mad at you.

i thought we were
having a moment.

moment's over.
shut up.

(hitchcock)
hey, sarge.

he made my computer smarter.

all i have to do
is put my thumb on that thing,

and it opens up
all my electric mails.

[laughs]
you seem real smart, man.

oh, and look,
and you play with toys.

savant, you're part
of the nine-nine now.

we look after each other.

hey, ball,

if savant
was to do anything

to harm this precinct,
would i destroy him?

answer uncertain.
try again.

peralta, fire marshal boone
just called.

he told me you should
check your drawer?

oh, look at that.

i've been booned.

well, the joke's on him,

because i was out
of shaving cream.

i see we are once again at war
with the fire department.

you are not to retaliate.

oh, i wouldn't dream
of it, sir.

in fact, i'm gonna send over
a little peace offering:

some of sal's famous sauce.

now, boyle!

[alarm blares]

fire! fire! fire!

pleasure working
with you, boone.

run, charles!

[alarm blares]

[laughter]

come on--whoa!

get that guy!

fremulon.

not a doctor. shh.